


Sentinel

by Tovaras



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Bromance, Canonical Character Death, First Love, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Growing up mentally, Love at First Sight, M/M, Male Love, Timelines
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-06-21
Updated: 2017-02-13
Packaged: 2017-11-08 05:17:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 53
Words: 177,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/439568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tovaras/pseuds/Tovaras
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaidan’s life has never been easy. BAaT nearly drove him to madness, life after was a struggle, but now… Now he is ready. For whatever life tosses at him. Or so he thinks.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Start

**Author's Note:**

> This is my take on Kaidan and his past. Most of the information is provided at his dossier at the Mass Effect wiki, but some are mere speculations from my side that I think make sense based on what Kaidan himself tells you during all three games.

Kaidan looked down at the com-pad again, just reading over the requirements needed for him to even consider joining theAlliance.

He had thought about it a lot, or at least from when he was able to think straight again. BAaT did that to its… he hesitated to call them students, but that was the title officially. Bullshit of course, but he was among a handful of survivors who actually knew the truth.

Bottom line, BAaT downright fucked with a person's brain.

He focused at the com-pad again.

Physical test. Passed, with an above average result, which made him proud.

IQ test. Passed with top results, though he had no idea why. He didn't get the reasoning, only the results.

Biotical test. Passed with flying colours, his biotics spiking off the charts. He wasn't surprised when they asked for one. TheAlliancehad his files. All of them.

Drug tests. Cleared. He had been clean for over a year now.

Criminal records. To be discussed.

There were other tests too, small ones. Exams in history, maths, culture, racial tests; all passed. Thank the heavens that his time at rehab had left him with a lot of spare time on his hands to actually study up on this.

Thank the heavens for a father who dropped him a hint that reading this actually would help when Kaidan had said that he was considering joining theAlliance. The work, however, Kaidan had done on his own.

The tapping of a firm finger against the metal counter told Kaidan that the owner of said finger was getting impatient with him just staring at the com-pad. He had to make up his mind now.

With a fluid motion, Kaidan signed his name at the orange-glowing line before pushing it back to the officer behind the counter. Said officer picked it up and read it, muttering under his breath before looking at Kaidan.

"You'll have to talk to the lieutenant about some of your… points here, Alenko."

"I expected as much, sir."

"Ready to defend yourself?"

"I got nothing to hide, sir."

The man grunted again before he checked off the com-pad and dropped it into a small basket on the desk, letting it rest along with others. "It's just a formality," he said, jerking his head towards Kaidan, motioning for the young man to follow him. "To clarify a few things."

"Of course, sir," Kaidan replied, following the officer, duffle bag slung casually over his shoulder. He was prepared; it was nothing he hadn't faced before, except now he was older, smarter and had a clear mind.

The officer opened the door to a well-lit office and showed Kaidan inside, snapping a salute at a brusque-looking man sitting behind a desk. The man just nodded back at the two of them, not once looking up from the com-pads he was holding. "Have a seat, Alenko. Sergeant Robinson, you are dismissed."

Kaidan could see the officer's hand fly up again as he once again saluted before stepping out, leaving Kaidan alone with the lieutenant. He quietly walked over to the chair in front of the lieutenant's desk and sat down, looking straight ahead.

Don't talk unless spoken to.

Answer every question truthfully.

Do not deny anything.

His parents' advice buzzed around in his skull as he quietly waited for the man to finish whatever he was doing. He rested his hands on his thights, clenched them into fists. They were already moist from sweat.

"Kaidan Alenko. Born in twenty-one fifty-one. You will turn twenty-one later this year, no?"

Kaidan nodded. "In September, sir."

"Only child. You have a father who is in theAlliance, stay-home mom inVancouver."

"Yes, sir."

The lieutenant rubbed his chin, looking down at what Kaidan assumed was his dossier. He swallowed heavily, feeling his heart thump in his chest.

"You are a biotic, according to your dossier. And you were a part of the Biotic Acclimation and Temperance Training at Jump Zero."

Here it came.

"Yes, sir."

The lieutenant finally looked up from the com-pad and looked directly at Kaidan, grey eyes trying their very best to burn a hole right through his head. "Alenko… I have read through your file a couple of times now. I know that you were in a rather… delicate situation at that particular camp. That you were part of a tragic accident that happened there and later suffered the consequences of what went on."

"That is correct, sir."

"Is there anything you wish to add?"

"I believe everything of importance is in my dossier, sir," Kaidan replied, looking back at the lieutenant, trying to look confident. "Everything from what happened at camp, my life after that time and my time at rehab. There is nothing else to add that I feel is needed, sir."

"I see." The lieutenant looked at Kaidan's dossier again, which in turn made Kaidan nervous. Exactly what was written there? Was there something he should have known about?

"Do you mind if I ask you a couple of questions?"

Oh boy…

"No, sir."

"For one, you have not applied to join the biotic training here at camp. Why is that?"

Kaidan shifted a little on his seat. "I do not wish to be viewed as 'a biotic', sir. I want to show that I can do more than just lift things with my mind." Also, he didn't want to be looked upon as a freak, he'd had enough of that in his lifetime, but he couldn't say that out loud.

"And it is nothing you wish to consider either?"

"In time, sir. I have thought about it and I may pick up on it after basic training."

The man grunted and nodded. "Mm… Normally, any applicants that show or are registered biotics are required to join basic biotic training, but seeing your… past at BAaT, I am willing to overlook that."

"Thank you, sir."

"Question two. You were given a full physical and during your scans, it showed that you still use the L2 implants and declined the offer to have them replaced with a better upgrade. Why?"

Kaidan took a deep breath of air, weighing his words carefully. "It is partly linked with the answer to your first question, sir. I did not want to join basic biotic training so I felt an upgrade would be a waste, especially if I end up not joining further biotic training in the future.

"Also, I am accustomed to the L2 implants, sir. My doctor says that I will most likely suffer periodic migraines despite replacing them and that replacing them may cause me brain damage." He didn't feel like telling the lieutenant that so far he was spiking higher than a normal L3 when it came to his biotic abilities. Then he would probably be forced to join the program.

"Fair enough, Alenko. Then I have only one more question for you." The man fixed his grey eyes directly on him, his face serious. "It says here you were in rehabilitation to get rid of your problems with Red Sand after BAaT and that you have been clean for a year. How is your stance on Red Sand, Alenko?"

"I won't touch the stuff again for as long as I live, sir," Kaidan replied truthfully. "My life while on it was a living hell, if you can pardon my language, sir. If I can help it, I won't go within ten feet of it unless I have to. And I will never use it again."

The lieutenant nodded before standing up from his chair, eyes never leaving Kaidan. He placed his hands behind his back as he took a relaxed, military stance, jerking his head up to gesture for Kaidan to stand up.

Kaidan took the same stance, looking up at the man. He was much taller than he looked.

"Based on your files, your results and the answers you have given me here, I will happily welcome you into the Alliance Navy's military training, Alenko. And for the record, your results and files alone were enough to get you in, but I just wanted to see what kind of man I was dealing with. Not many enlist out of their own free will at twenty-one, let alone people who have gone through the stuff you've been through."

Kaidan tried not to look too proud of himself. "I want to serve, sir. This time on my terms."

"Good man, Alenko. That's the kind of man we want here." He snapped Kaidan a salute, who returned it automatically, before reaching out his hand to shake the young biotic's.

"Your father would be proud of you, Alenko. Your training starts at oh-six-hundred hours tomorrow. Grab your gear, get ready and prepare. You're in for a hard ride."

Kaidan returned the firm handshake.

"I won't let you down, sir."


	2. Army-life

Kaidan could get used to the rude wake-ups, the morning drills, running in the middle of pouring weather, knee-deep in water. He could get used to the sorry excuse they called food, the latrine duties and the constant yelling from his superior officers.

Hell, he could get used to underwear constantly riding up his ass because of the friction from his pants.

He wasn’t sure if he could get used to the buzz-cut though. His scalp was constantly itching and when he looked at himself in the mirror, all he could see were eyebrows. Huge, dark eyebrows. He wondered if he could ask to have those shaven off as well.

Other than that, life at boot camp wasn’t bad. He’d been here a month already and he found that he was actually enjoying his time here. Sure, it was hard work, but it wasn’t anything he couldn’t handle.  
He was already used to wearing a uniform from his time at BAaT, used to surprise inspections and being worked until his body was crying out in pain.  
The main difference was at BAaT he would go to bed with a migraine that resembled a group with Krogans river-dancing inside his skull, preventing him from falling asleep. Here he was so physically drained that he fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He wasn’t hit every time he was doing something wrong either. He was just yelled at for a couple of minutes before he was forced to redo what he was doing, then repeat it until he had learned the correct way. He was pretty fast with a gun now, able to disassemble it and reassemble it in twenty seconds flat. Probably not a camp record, but he was happy as long as he wasn’t accidentally shooting himself in the foot while doing it.

“’ey, Alenko! Food’s being served! Stop admiring your face and get your butt in gear!”

Kaidan looked over his shoulder as the other guys stepped out of the shower, nodding his head at them. “Yeah, I’ll be right there!” He quickly finished drying himself off with a towel before getting dressed.  
He was starting to feel it in his body too when it came to the various changes. He was stronger, a little bigger in the muscle department. A month wasn’t a long time, but all the hard work was definitely doing something.

He was getting along with the others at camp as well, but he wouldn’t say he was particularly close to any of them. He worked well with them, yes. He was able to co-operate with them, discuss and agree on things, but he was also holding them just a little away from himself. It was mostly habit, a way to protect himself.

He’d already had one person look at him with fear in her eyes. He had experienced the hateful words of being “different”, being a freak. An abomination in a world where “his kind” still was something unfamiliar.  
Here, they were all in the same boat. They were all adults, all training to become soldiers. There were even people like him here, other biotics, but he just couldn’t help it. He didn’t want to take the chance, found that he didn’t dare to take the chance.

After zipping up his fly, Kaidan ran a hand over his skull, feeling the buzz-cut under his fingers. He doubted he would ever get used to it; the rough, stinging feeling of short hair under his fingertips.

And god damn it, it was –itching-!

***

Dinnertime was always a mess. People pushing one another, wanting to get to the unknown substance that was called “food”. 

Kaidan didn’t mind waiting. 

As a biotic, he had a special kind of diet. All he had to do was step up to the lady behind the counter, state his name and number, and he would get a huge portion with protein-rich food that tasted like paper and ass.  
At least it looked edible. On Saturdays they even went through the trouble of making the food look tasty.

It still tasted like ass though.

Still, he didn’t complain about it. It was a huge improvement over the food he had eaten at BAaT that had looked downright toxic. He was pretty sure that food was never supposed to be blue unless it was Jell-O.  
The food was also blessedly free of red sand since nobody at boot camp wanted their students to lift their spoons with their mind. That’s how food fights broke out and finding out who started it was all the more difficult. You could never tell if the spoon levitating by your head was actually your doing after all.

Dinnertime was usually quite uneventful, which Kaidan liked. People were tired, hungry and just wanted to either crash at their rooms for some much needed sleep or write home to their family and loved ones.

This day was different though. 

As he came into the mess, there was a tension in the room that Kaidan couldn’t quite place his finger on. People were talking in a hushed tone, peering at one another, trying, and failing, not to look towards a group of people standing in line to get their food.

Kaidan looked at the group as well and he couldn’t find anything out of the ordinary so he stood in line as well. It was then he noticed that three of the guys in the line were wearing different uniforms. The changes were subtle, barely noticeable since the colour was the same ugly shade of washed-out Marine blue. There was an extra dark stripe down their right sleeves and the bands of the sleeves, the necklines, and the hemlines of their shirts were the same dark colour.

They were from a different camp.

While that in itself was unusual, there was an aura to the guys that was a bit unsettling. He couldn’t see their faces, but there was a tension in their shoulders and jaws, showing great restraint of something.

What it was, Kaidan didn’t even want to guess. All he knew was that these were guys he didn’t want to fuck with even on his best day.

The strangers quietly accepted the food as it was placed on their trays and together they walked to find an empty table as far away from the others as possible.  
Kaidan said his name and number before his own food was served, and he walked over to the group of people he usually sat with.

“Who are they?”

One of the guys, a tall, blond guy named Jack, looked up from his food and towards Kaidan. “You haven’t heard?”

Kaidan shook his head, stabbing a piece of “meat” with his fork. “I haven’t heard anything about new recruits coming.”

“They’re not new recruits. They’re from the boot camp in Old New York, part of some sort of observation program. They came today and are going to be here for a week.”

Michael, a thin, short guy with a cleanly shaved head, snorted, shaking his head as he poked at his food. “First thing they did when they came to the firing range was sneer at everyone. Didn’t say a damn word to us.”

“Maybe they’re just shy,” Jack quipped, grinning while Kaidan shook his head and focused on his food. In all honesty, he didn’t give two hoots about these strangers and he wasn’t feeling particular curious either.  
Jack and Michael continued to banter between themselves, making up different stories as to why three guys from a boot camp in Old New York came all the way to Vancouver just to make observations. 

“Maybe they’re here to steal ideas. I heard our simulation on hand-to-hand combat is the best on earth.”

“Nah, I bet they’re here as punishment. I hear the Old New York boot camp is rather shit so they send people here to drop a hint, yeah? Like, ‘behave and you can come here instead’, if you know what I mean.”

“I wouldn’t call that a punishment, Michael. Bet it’s something else, something bigger. I doubt that they would send ‘em three at a time if it was a punishment. They would send them alone.”

“’ey, Alenko. Why do you think they’re here?”

Kaidan shrugged his shoulder, though he looked up and gave Michael a smirk. “Maybe they’re here to watch you sleep,” he quipped, ignoring the nudge he got from his friend and let his eyes train back to something that had caught his eyes just five seconds earlier.

Or rather, someone.

He didn’t know why, but one of the guys from the Old New York boot camp was watching him with the most intense, blue eyes Kaidan had ever seen in his entire life. But not for long. By the time Kaidan had returned his attention to the group, the guy had returned his own attention to his food.

Kaidan raised his eyebrow before shrugging his shoulders and returned to his food. He’d probably overheard them talking to one another about them.

It wasn’t something he worried much about.

But it would be.


	3. Little Boy Blue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan learns that trusting someone isn't always a bad thing.

After three days, Kaidan was sure that the blue-eyed guy was stalking him. Either that or he was assigned to every god damned place he happened to be at.

He didn’t look at only him, that much Kaidan was sure of. But when Kaidan was looking at him, the stranger seemed to be studying him.   
This made Kaidan nervous. And when he was nervous, he fucked up more easily.

“God damn it, Alenko, where the hell is your head?! You would have been dead out there,” Michael barked, tugging off his helmet so he could give Kaidan a proper glare as they walked out of the simulator, breathing hard.

“I am sorry, okay? It’s just… That guy makes me nervous. He keeps -staring-,” Kaidan barked back, wiping away the sweat on his forehead, helmet already under his arm.

“Get over yourself, he is staring at everyone,” Michael replied, his voice gruff. “That’s what he’s doing, observing. Like, it’s why he’s here.”

“Who the hell is he anyway?” Kaidan asked, looking towards the stranger who was currently standing with his back to them. “Some kind of hot shot?” 

“Don’t know his full name, but I’ve heard the other two call him “John” so I am guessing that’s his name. And yeah, think so,” Michael replied, turning his focus on switching out the thermal clips in his gun. Kaidan joined him by the gun table, slowly picking his rifle apart.  
“All three of them are apparently top students where they’re from. They’re finishing up basic training and are looking for options as to where they want to go and what they want to do. Or so I heard,” Michael continued, cursing as the thermal clip refused to come out from his rifle.

“I call bullshit on that,” Kaidan replied as he finished disassembling his rifle and started cleaning the parts. “We’re at a boot camp just like they are. When we’re done, we’ll leave here just like they will leave ONY. There’s nothing special here.”

The thermal clip in Michael’s rifle shot out from the back of it with a loud pop, hitting Michael’s armoured chest. He just raised an eyebrow and picked it up, looking it over before he started talking again.   
“We still have some better options though than ONY. We got people we can talk to, people that can recommend us so we can get where we want to go. Or rather, where we should go.” He tossed the ruined thermal clip into a container with other faulty parts. “Maybe if they like it here, they will be here for a month or so, finish the training so they can get the right people to recommend them elsewhere.”

“I don’t buy it,” Kaidan replied, hanging the rifle in its place after reassembling it.

“Do you buy anything, Alenko?” Michael quipped back, smirking at Kaidan who offered a smirk back before he moved towards the exit. 

“I buy when I trust the price.”

It was true though. His experiences at Jump Zero had left Kaidan with a rather unhealthy scepticism. He had a hard time trusting something, especially when it involved people and “observing.” Heck, he had a hard enough time with trusting people in general, but that was something he was slowly working his way through.

More than once did he wish that someone would prove his scepticism wrong so he could get some peace of mind. Maybe he would actually learn to trust if he was shown that it was okay to be wrong about something from time to time.   
Especially if he was wrong about something with a good outcome.

But it really didn’t help that he could feel the stranger’s eyes at the back of his neck as he left the room, making the faint remains of hair he had there rise.

***

Leave was always welcome at the camp and just about everyone there went crazy when they were presented with it. Especially when it lasted for three days. 

Some went home for the duration, others went to town for a much-needed release of steam and hormones.  
Others, like Kaidan, stayed behind at camp because now it was quiet there for a change.

His parents had wanted for him to come home, to come with them to the orchard in the BC interior. Kaidan had politely declined, still needing a little time to just… find himself.  
They had understood and his mother had promised to send him a small present as soon as they reached the orchard. Kaidan was willing to bet anything that it was another sweater.

Though there was one more reason as to why he had preferred staying behind besides having a moment to himself.  
It was the only time he could actually have a moment to let himself go in privacy.

Kaidan wasn’t exactly hiding who, or rather what he was, but he never used his biotic abilities in training. He knew what would happen then. He would be reduced to “the shield” or “the one that levitates stuff.”  
Still, he needed to unload some of it from time to time and he tried to do it as discreetly as he possibly could. He didn’t want to risk an overload. He wasn’t even sure if a biotic overload was possible, but it was one of the “warnings” they had given him at Jump Zero. It could just as easily have been something to scare the kids into submission, making them want to use their powers, but Kaidan wasn’t about to take chances.   
Especially since he had fewer migraines after unloading a little, just like he got more of them if he overdid it.   
It was a hair-fine balance and Kaidan was still trying to find it.

He wasn’t the only one that was remaining at the camp though. While the people he usually spent time with had left to see their families, there were still some familiar faces around, and two not-so-familiar ones.

On the fourth day, one of the students from ONY had left, having apparently not found what he was hoping for here in Vancouver.  
To Kaidan’s annoyance, it was not the blue-eyed wonder that had left. And on day six of their one-week stay, said boy was still popping up where Kaidan was, always staring and never saying a word to him. Looking at him with a stare so intense that it was sending shivers down Kaidan’s back.

It made him want to punch the guy in the face.

That or just take a biotic hold of his balls and squeeze until those damn eyes popped out of his skull.   
It was probably just as good that he couldn’t do that yet or he would have.

Inhaling softly, Kaidan took a quick look around himself before he entered the grand simulation hall. While it was no crime or even weird that students came here during off-hours, the hall was ready to be used at any time by anyone that was a part of the camp, Kaidan just wanted to make sure that the “hot shot” from ONY was not following him. 

Once inside though he stopped, staring at the all-too-familiar character in front of him, watching as he prepared a rifle by the gun table.

His rifle.

“Excuse me, what are you doing?”

The blue-eyed guy looked up at Kaidan before finishing the preparations without even looking at the rifle. Then he tossed it towards Kaidan who caught it automatically.

“Suit up.”

Kaidan just raised an eyebrow at the guy. “Huh?”

The guy turned his back to him and walked over to the lockers, pulling out two sets of armour. Then he looked back at Kaidan. “Suit up.”

Kaidan narrowed his eyes some, just looking at the stranger. The guy stared right back, face unreadable, but there was something in his eyes that Kaidan just couldn’t place his finger on. Then he started moving towards him, placing his rifle next to the locker before he started pulling off his shirt.

They didn’t speak a word as they both changed out of their clothes and slipped into the armour. Kaidan noted that his current company had chosen a similar armour as he himself had; something light that was easy to move in.

“What’s your level?”

Kaidan looked at the guy for a moment before he realised just what he was asking. “Depends on what my role is. I have just started level six.”

“Out of ten?”

Kaidan nodded.   
The guy gave a brief nod in return before he walked over to the control panel and started typing. “Which scenario do you hate?”

“What are you doing?” Kaidan stared at the guy, who stared right back, obviously waiting for Kaidan to answer his question. “I don’t know, I… I am not that good on the Firebase,” he ended up saying. The guy nodded and finished setting up what Kaidan guessed was a simulation, walking over to the entrance to it. 

“Let’s go.”

“Wait, what the hell are you doing?” Kaidan was tempted to just aim his rifle at the ONY guy instead, but once again the guy just stared at Kaidan, face unreadable, patiently waiting for Kaidan to move his ass.  
Which Kaidan, in the end, did because he just couldn’t handle that staring. He tugged his helmet on and grabbed his rifle before more or less stomping into the simulation room.

As soon as he was inside, the blue-eyed annoyance closed the door behind them, letting the simulation start up with a brief countdown.

What happened next, Kaidan wasn’t sure of. All he knew was that they were on the Firebase and they were higher than level six.

Simulated bullets started flying around his head and the only thing Kaidan could do was duck for cover, his shield already cracking from the intense pressure. His current partner seemed calm as day though, following Kaidan behind cover, but keeping up pressure with his own rifle.  
Kaidan wasn’t sure if he was to admire him or feel even more annoyed by it, butt the calm inspired him and he tried to gather himself enough to fight back.

Which he wasn’t doing very well, but by God, he was trying. 

The pressure was intense; the enemies kept on coming and bullets seemed to hail down over them from every direction without showing any signs of stopping. It was almost enjoyable. In the end, Kaidan let his mind simply do what he had intended to do in the first place, giving him his outlet.

This John was obviously a better shooter than he was, but he had his own tricks up his sleeves. Soon the enemies were hit by Kaidan’s own biotic shots as he focused on putting out barriers, pushing the enemies back by simply tossing someone at whoever he could or levitating them into the air for his teammate to pick off.  
He used every trick he had learned, picked up from BAaT, instruction movies or simply through trial and error. He was feeling a rather delicious burn go through his body and his brain as the adrenaline and the euphoria from using his abilities rushed through him, making him feel empowered.

He wasn’t sure when the simulation ended or even if they won, but as soon as the simulated environment stopped blinking, Kaidan slumped down onto the floor, laying on his back and just breathed, staring up at the roof.   
His body, especially his brain, was still humming with the intense surge of being powerful, making his fingers and toes tingle from the amount of biotic abilities he had used. It was both wonderful and terrifying.  
He could hear that his partner sat down next to him, breathing hard as well.

“Not bad.”

“W-what the hell was that?”

“Level nine Firebase, three-man simulation. Figured I’d go easy on you since I wasn’t quite sure what your level was.”

Kaidan let out a small snort before that snort turned into a tired chuckle. “… Go easy on me… Uhuh… Thanks.”

“I should have cranked it up to level ten.”

“I am rather glad that you didn’t. That was… more than enough for me.” Kaidan slowly eased the helmet off, letting it lay somewhere near his head while remaining lying on the ground. “Yup… Definitely more than enough.”

“You did well.”

“Thanks, but… That was just sheer panic.”

The stranger chuckled softly and Kaidan felt himself relax some. At least the man wasn’t completely made out of stone.

“John.”

“Hmm?”

“My name. It’s John.”

Kaidan smiled some, closing his eyes as he inhaled deeply. “Kaidan. But we’re a bit late on the whole introductions now, aren’t we?”

“Hmmm. Maybe. I wouldn’t know.” John removed his own helmet and placed it next to him, looking down at his feet. “I am not the most social creature.”

“That’s okay,” Kaidan replied, easing an arm under his head, trying his best to get the “power trip” out of his mind. He hadn’t had an outlet like that in a long, long time. Not since…  
He cut his thoughts before he started going down that trail. “Neither am I,” he finished before he opened his eyes, looking up at John. “So… Care to explain why you tugged me with you like that?”

“You were a part of my test.”

“Your test?” Kaidan pushed himself up onto a sitting position so he could see John better. “Okay, I think you need to run that one from the beginning, because I can’t remember being told I was anyone’s test.”

“You weren’t supposed to know. It would have… ruined things.”

Kaidan just raised his eyebrow, keeping his eyes on John until it was his turn to give out under Kaidan’s intense stare. 

“Let me explain.” John rubbed his fingers against the back of his neck, frowning some as he seemed to struggle with his words.

Kaidan waited patiently. He knew how hard it could be to voice himself, especially when under pressure.

“We were three, from the ONY boot camp,” John finally started. “Recruits with… potential, as we were told. But we had our problems that we needed to fix before we could be given the chance for further, more advanced training.” John glanced over at Kaidan, just looking at him for a second before he looked away again.   
“My problem is co-operation. I… don’t co-operate very well with others. With strangers or people I don’t know very well.” John bit his bottom lip, rolling it gently between his teeth before continuing.  
“I was supposed to… Approach someone and try to co-operate with them. So I spent the last six days trying to find someone that I felt I could co-operate with despite not knowing them.”

“I see.” Kaidan wasn’t quite sure what to make of that story. “So… why me?”

“Would you believe it if I said that it was a coincidence?”

“Not a chance.”

John chuckled softly, letting a small smile appear on his thin, chapped lips. “I don’t know… I just... took a chance. Decided on one group, watched the group work and from that group singled out the one I thought would fit me the best. Not quite in the way they wanted me to do it, but…” He shrugged his shoulders, fingers picking lightly at the barrel of his rifle. “I wasn’t sure how to ask for something like that. I thought it might sound strange, coming from a stranger, but…”   
He glanced over at Kaidan. “You surprised me though. I did not know that you were a biotic.”

Of course. It was always the biotics.   
Kaidan was willing to bet that if he hadn’t used them, John would have called him a shitty soldier.

“Yeah, well… Don’t go spreading it around. It’s a secret.”

John let out a small snort and shook his head, an amused smile playing on his lips. “Yeah, right… Fair enough.”

Silence fell between them again before John finally got up, picking up his helmet as he did so. “I should head back. Thanks for the battle, Kaidan.”

Kaidan nodded his head at John. “Thanks yourself. We made a pretty decent team. Make sure you tell your squad leader that.”

John smiled back at Kaidan, nodding his head at him. “I’ll do that.”

Then he left, leaving Kaidan to his own thoughts. It let him think about what had just happened and what he could learn from this.  
He’d been approached by a stranger, battled with him and had a conversation with him. And they both seemed to have expected little of the other, but somehow were able to give freely in return. Kaidan was still bugged by the fact that he couldn’t wrap his head around this guy and his actions.

Maybe if he was a little more alert, a little more observant, he would have been able to.

Getting up from the floor, Kaidan walked over to the gun table to disassemble and clean his gun before reassembling it again so he could put it away.

He didn’t see John again for the rest of the day.

The very next day, John and his camp mate left the boot camp and went back to Old New York.

Two months later John was just a memory that Kaidan took hold of from time to time to remind himself that trusting someone was not always a bad thing.


	4. Decisions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan makes his father proud.

When Kaidan was made Sergeant and offered a commendation for his services during a routine mission gone wrong, nobody was prouder than Kaidan’s father.

Kaidan was proud too, but he felt that getting a commendation for hacking a door shut so Batarian pirates couldn’t come into a shuttle was a bit idiotic.   
It had been Kaidan’s first mission off-world and while it was a simple one, Kaidan had been excited.

He had worked hard for the chance, pushed himself constantly despite the growing pains from his implants. He had ignored them, pushed himself further, not willing to show that he was weak.   
He could do this. He knew he could. And he had done it all without once using his biotic abilities in a mission or task.

When Kaidan was offered the spot, he had been a simple corporal; promoted mere two months after he had finished boot camp because of his dedication and, as his squad-leader had said, his stubbornness and integrity.   
He had been transferred from the boot camp to the main military base in Vancouver thanks to a letter of recommendation from his staff sergeant. It was hard work and because he was just a corporal he got a lot of the shitty tasks, but he did it without complain. He would be rewarded in the end.  
He had been there for seven months, loving every moment off it, feeling a sense of pride in what he was doing when the offer was made.

Now the work had finally paid off. He was going to get his chance to prove himself for real.

On the mission he had given, he was a part of a four-member squad, not counting the pilot. Amongst the three others, he was the youngest one and the one with the lowest rank, but he was still treated as one off them. They expected as much off him as they did off themselves.

It was just a routine mission, they said.   
Just checking up on a colony that had been given some grief by space-pirates.

It would the first time Kaidan would see that routine usually meant anything but routine.   
It would still take many missions before he learned that routine is never just routine.

The second they had entered the colonies atmosphere, their shuttle had been ambushed by Batarian space-pirates. They seemed to come out of nowhere and while their ships were small, they were fast and they were packing a good punch. By pressing up to the Alliance shuttle they were able to force them down to the ground, but that was all they could do as well.  
When the Batarians started forcing the door open, Kaidan had jumped up and started counter-attacking their attempts until the system short-circuited itself. The three others had forced up gaps in the shuttle and started shooting, the shuttle was rocking from side to side from the pressure made by the Batarian shuttles. 

It was a damn mess.

In the end, it was the colonist that saved their asses, coming with an ambush when they realised that the Batarians were pre-occupied with the Alliance shuttle.   
“Amateurs,” their captain had snorted, and Kaidan guessed that it was true. If they hadn’t been fresh in the game, they probably would have gotten to them.

Now Kaidan was here, getting a commendation for quick thinking and a promotion while his three squad mates were watching and applauding him. He really felt he didn’t deserve it, but heck. He wasn’t about to complain either.  
And hey, he had told them that it really hadn’t been quick thinking that had driven him, but sheer panic and an intense wish of “I do not want those guys in here!” that made him hack that panel.

He gave a humble smile as the medal was pinned to his uniform before giving his Captain a salute, standing straight and proud with his hand almost pressing against his skull. Then he was ushered over to a chair to sit with other proud soldiers that had either received a commendation or a promotion or, in his case, both, listening to their Captain give a speech about the proud soldiers of the Alliance and the work they were doing.  
Nothing Kaidan hadn’t heard before so he kept sneaking glances down at the audience, smiling a little to himself as he watched how his father beamed next to his mother, who was busier drying her eyes with a blue handkerchief. 

His mom and dad…

His dad was what he had always pictured a true alliance soldier and hero to be like, like the ones he used to read about in books when he was a kid. Tall, strong, dark hair and blue, steely eyes. A man you didn’t mess around with.  
His mother was smaller, shorter, with long, light-brown hair and brown, kind eyes. By all means no push-over despite her petite frame.  
“Nobody can be married to an Alliance soldier without learning a few dirty tricks on how to tame them,” she used to tell her friends and Kaidan supposed that was true. His dad was quite tame when around his mother.

People told him he took more after his father in appearance and now that he was older he could see it himself. The same dark hair, the same chin and mouth. The same height and build now that he was finally filling out a bit more.  
The waves in his hair as well as his nose and eyes, those were more like his mother he was told.

The Captain finished his speech, snapping Kaidan out of his small train of thoughts before gesturing to the soldiers who had been promoted that day.   
Kaidan had to get back up from his chair again, salute the Captain one more time before shaking his hand and then he was free to go to be congratulated by his fellow soldiers. At least until his mother got a hold of him, wrapping her arms around him before hugging him with the strength of a Krogan.  
“Oh, Kaidan, I am so proud of you! Look at you! Sergeant Alenko!”

Kaidan smiled some before his father’s arm was around his shoulder, giving him a shake and a squeeze. “Good job, son. Good job. I knew you had it in you. Only twenty-three and an Sergeant already!”  
Kaidan gave his father an awkward smile, rubbing the back of his head. He was finally allowed to grow his hair back out again; he had stopped shaving it the day he had heard he was being promoted again. At least that was one perk he had looked forward to. Now he could stop looking like a face made up by huge eyebrows. 

“It’s not that big a deal, dad.”

“Big a deal? I was twenty-five before I was promoted to Sergeant! This, son, is a huge deal and we will celebrate this!” The smile on the man’s face was threatening to split his face in two and Kaidan knew he would never get away from whatever his dad had planned.

“Oh, Thomas, calm down a little. I am sure Kaidan wouldn’t mind an easy day of rest,” his mother replied, making Thomas snort.

“Nora, come on. This is a big day for our boy and it must be celebrated.”

Kaidan held his hands up. “Actually, dad… I wouldn’t mind taking it easy for at least a day. We can celebrate this week-end; I have a week-long pass that came with the promotion.”

“Week-long?” Thomas raised his eyebrow. “That was generous.”

Kaidan nodded, sticking his hands into his pockets. “Yeah. It’s so they can figure out where to stick me come next week. So I have some home-work to do during my leave, which I… I hoped you could help me a little with, dad.”

That seemed to make Thomas, if possible, even happier. “Ah, yes, of course, of course. Your choice in career. Not one to be taken lightly. Of course I will help you, Kaidan.”

Kaidan just smiled, knowing that his father appreciated that his son had asked him this favour. He hadn’t asked for a lot during his time in the army, wanting to do most things himself, to show that he could, but this… He wanted to give his father this.

It was the least he could do, after everything his parents had given him over the years.

***

“So what have you thought about, Kaidan? Any ideas what so ever about which direction you would like to focus on?”

Kaidan took a small sip from his lager as he leaned against the railing, looking over English Bay. “A few, but it’s hard to choose. I am serious when I am saying I want to make this my career, dad, but… I also have to think about what I like doing as well as what I am good at. And what is needed.”

“If you are going to take all those things into consideration, Kaidan, then you will be thinking for a long, long time,” Thomas replied, standing next to his son, one hand resting on the railing while the other held a cold lager of his own.  
“What’s important is that you take something you feel you can live with. No matter what you choose, there will be days when you will absolutely hate what you are doing, no matter how much you love it right now.”

Kaidan nodded some, shifting his stance some. “Yeah… I suppose you are right on that, dad.”

“Have you thought about-?” Thomas started, breaking of the sentence as he tapped his finger against his own forehead.   
Kaidan looked at him for a moment before shaking his head. “No. Not an option, dad.”

Thomas sighed some. “Kaidan… I am not going to force you to take something you don’t want, but… it’s been seven years since that accident. And you are a good biotic. A very talented one.”

“Dad-“

Thomas lifted his hands. “Just listen to me, okay? I know you are afraid of what you did, but you were only fifteen. You were provoked and you had not been educated properly.”

“Dad, I killed a man,” Kaidan said, his tone a little harder than he intended. “Accidental or not, I killed him.”

“Kaidan, take it easy,” Thomas murmured, placing a hand on Kaidan’s shoulder. “I am sorry. I shouldn’t have brought it up, but you know better than anyone what happens if you bottle things up. And it is time to start thinking about letting things go. And no matter how much you hate your own abilities, they won’t go away.”

“I don’t hate them, dad,” Kaidan sighed, looking down at the bottle in his hands. The chilled glass was gathering dew on the surface thanks to the sun. The drops were running down the smooth surface and onto his hand, creating cold, wet spots.  
“I just… I don’t want to be defined as ‘a biotic’ by the Alliance or anyone else. I’ve made it this far without using my biotics once in combat or during missions, and I want to continue that way.”

“I can understand that, son. Nobody wants to be labelled as anything, no matter if it’s good or bad,” Thomas murmured, giving Kaidan’s shoulder another squeeze before he released him. “All I am saying is that you should not think of it as a liability. It is an asset, something you can use to give yourself an edge.”

“I’ll think about it, dad,” Kaidan murmured, offering his father a small smile.

“That’s all I ask, son. That’s all I ask,” Thomas replied, giving his son a proud smile in return. “Now… What have you been enjoying the most so far? What do you want to do?”

“Well…”


	5. Choices

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan plays detective.

Kaidan never regretted having that discussion with his father that night. Never regretted listening to his father’s advice, arguing back and forward between what Kaidan felt was smart and what felt right.

It had taken most of the night and several Canadian lagers until they reached an answer and by then they were both tipsy, talking loudly outside on the balcony until Kaidan’s mother had threatened to set the dog and the hose on them both.

He had been twenty-three then.

Now he was closing in on twenty-five, feeling just as young and inexperienced as he did back then. He wasn’t as closed off anymore, learning to trust and to work with others, but he still wasn’t the one that barked the loudest. He spoke when spoken too, always gave professional opinions and keeping personal ones to himself.

Nobody ever asked for personal opinions, at least not where he was.

Reliable they called him.   
Reliable and smart.  
At least that’s what it stood on the paper.

This is why they welcomed him with open arms when Kaidan said that he wished to work with computers. Intel and tech to be precise.  
Kaidan had always liked computers, enjoying the challenge of gathering intel, putting things together until it made sense. Noticing small details that just opened up endless information about something that in turn made things make a whole lot of sense.

That and he didn’t have to work with people. At least not all the time.

Sure, computers could crash and information wasn’t always true, but they were easier to fix and correct than people were.  
Sometimes he would bring out the blue-eyed wonder from his time in boot camp, just to remind himself that there were skilled people out there, but many also seemed extremely taken with proving him that for every skilled man, there were at least five idiots standing in line behind them.

Still, Kaidan enjoyed his job. He was able to use his brain for something else than lifting glasses with water or creating shields around himself for protection. He also enjoyed the challenge.

So far he had only worked back on earth, being parts of observation-teams, keeping an eye on squads heading into missions. It was precise work, tense. He had to keep his eyes and ears with him at all times for anything and everything that could be off use. Even more so since he couldn’t be there himself.   
He was envious of that sometimes, but he knew that he was young, inexperienced. He would get his chances soon enough.

***

“Alenko!”

Kaidan just about jumped out of his chair as he snapped to attention, quickly saluting the grey-haired Commander heading his way. “Sir.”

The Commander gave him a nod in return before gesturing for Kaidan to follow him. Kaidan did, hoping he didn’t look too confused as he followed the other man.   
“I’m in need of a good intel-officer, Alenko,” the Commander said as they walked, not even sparing Kaidan another look. “And I heard that you are good. One of the best on this base.”

“I’m flattered, sir.”

“I am not flattering you, Sergeant. I am stating what I’ve heard. What I want for you to do is confirm that information.”

“If I can’t do it, I will learn it, sir,” Kaidan replied, feeling his heart hammering in his chest. He was wondering what the officer wanted and just what he had heard.  
If it was one thing he had learned about himself over the last couple of years was that he hated being unprepared for something so being caught off-guard like this was like a nightmare.

“You better,” the Commander replied, stopping by an open door and gestured for Kaidan to enter. Kaidan did, not looking back to see if the Commander was following him.  
The room was huge, filled with huge computer screens, blinking lights and the sound of quick hands flying over the keyboards, typing. It was making his brain buzz.

“There have been several serious breeches in security discovered during the last week, Alenko,” the Commander’s gruff voice said, making Kaidan flitch ever so slightly when the Commander was suddenly next to him.  
“Classified files have been tapped into, holes in the base has been discovered. We know someone here on base is a mole and we need to catch him now.” The Commander stared at Kaidan, green eyes burning into Kaidan’s own brown ones. “We need every quick thinker and intel-gatherer on this. We cannot afford another breech; several weapons, plans and secrets have already vanished. We have no idea how long this has been going on, we only discovered the breeches one week ago as mentioned.”

“How serious, sir?”

“Serious enough, soldier. We’ve already gathered Lieutenant Nielsen, chief of intel on the “Maiden”, Sergeant Brooks and Lieutenant Ammeson and put them on the case, but there is a lot of vids and intel to go through. We need young, capable hands and they told me you are damn fast. The record-holder of intel-gathering on the M-75-X5 simulator at the hardest level.”

“Yes, sir,” Kaidan said, knowing better than to play modest with a Commander of this calibre.

“Then get to it and show me that you have earned that record,” the Commander said, jerking his head towards the rest of the group.   
Kaidan nodded and quickly took a free seat, starting up the computer. The three others mere nodded before giving him his share of the intel to go through, which was no small amount.

The Commander started to bark out some orders, making Kaidan freeze in his chair until he realised he was talking over the com-system. He was already having a hard time starting; the amount of intel and information was simply overwhelming.   
This was completely new on him. He had done easy missions in the past with almost obvious solutions once you had gathered enough information, but this… He had nothing to go on, no clues and hints. He glanced to his side, watching how the others were working with what he thought was lightning speed. 

Taking a deep breath, Kaidan closed his eyes and simply focused his mind. He could do this. This was what he was doing for a living and he was damn good at it too.

So he simply started.

The others had been kind enough to toss him their findings so he could catch up, but he knew that if he was to get his brain into this, he had to start at a place that suited him. Which was starting from the beginning.   
His fingers slowly tapped over the keyboard at the start as he read over the different breeches in security, searching and finding patterns, connecting the dots; situations, names, areas. He started picking up speed, his eyes flying over the two screens he had at his disposal along with his hands as he sorted through the information. He was slower than the others, but he was thorough. Neat.

He tried not to think, only to do. He found that if he started thinking then he started overanalysing. And that was not a good thing in any situation.  
Kaidan also knew that he was good at gathering information, getting the same sort of surge as when he used his biotics. Using his brain, moving and piecing together information, feeling the adrenaline pump when he felt he was getting closer to an answer.   
It was a rush, a high; almost like when he used red sand at BAaT, but without the downtime and paranoia once the rush was over.

The room was filled with the sound of fingers tapping buttons, the occasional sound as the vids played off records and the Commander barking out orders, both at them and through the com-system.  
Food was served along with coffee and bottled water, but nobody actually ate anything until the sounds from their stomachs sounded over the taps of buttons or when their bladders threatened to burst from the amount of coffee they consumed.

Hours passed as Kaidan and his fellow officers worked, tossing intel and suggestions back and forward as they tried to piece together their findings.   
The amount of lights and sharp beeps were slowly getting to Kaidan, feeling the familiar throbs of pain at the back of his neck as a migraine was slowly crawling its way to the front of his skull. He’d already taken two pills for the head-aches while working; he’d hate to take more so soon.

The information so far as mind-boggling and Kaidan wasn’t all that sure if they had made any ground-breaking discoveries, even if they had made progress.  
After looking through all the time-sheets, the vids and sound-files connected to the time of the different breeches, they had discovered that the same card and codes had been used to get access to the different areas and systems. The card and codes had been reported stolen over a month ago by a lieutenant on the base and had been filed as disabled and deleted to prevent abuse. This was not a grand discovery; everyone at security had already been talked to and cleared, at least in theory.  
According to files, every member of the security teams had been accounted for at the times of the breeches as well.

Kaidan rubbed his forehead as he tried to compare the duty-rosters together at the time of the different breeches, trying to find a pattern. His stomach was grumbling, he was feeling tired and sore, but he was also stubborn and unwilling to leave his post just yet. He felt that he was onto something, that there was something he was supposed to see, but just couldn’t grasp.

“Hey.”

Kaidan looked up, meeting the eyes of a slightly concerned looking Lieutenant Nielsen. “What?”

“You don’t look so good, Alenko. You should take five, go get something to eat. Rest your head for a moment; you’ve been at this since you got her twelve hours ago.”

“It’s been twelve hours already?”

Nielsen smirked. “Time flies when you’re having fun,” he mused before nodding his head towards the door. “Take five. You’re the only one who hasn’t lifted his ass out of the chair since we started. You’re making the rest of us look bad here.”

“I am sorry,” Kaidan murmured, rubbing a hand over his face. “Just got a little caught up.”

“I’m glad to see you that eager, but right now you are balancing on a very thin line between great work and shit work. Get your balance back by eating something.”

“Yeah… Yeah, okay.” Kaidan nodded and moved towards the door, grabbing a bottle of water and two protein bars from the table behind them before leaving the room. He could feel how stiff his legs were from sitting still for so long and it felt good to just move around.

Ripping the paper off one of the bars, Kaidan bit into the white-coloured mass, biting off a chunk and chewing.   
Three years in the military and the bars still tasted like ass. The worse part was that he was getting used to it.

Locating a bench, Kaidan sat down onto it, leaving the bottle resting against his thigh as he continued to munch on the bar, just letting his mind clear up now that he was away from the computers.  
He blew some air upwards, trying to remove some of the hair that was starting to hang down over his forehead, just barely entering his line of vision. Seemed like it was time for another haircut.  
That or start slicking his hair backwards because right now his hair was just a thick mop of slight waves and annoyance.

Still, it was better than being all big, dark eyebrows.

Sighing some, Kaidan popped the rest of the bar into his mouth before sticking the wrappings into his pocket, slowly chewing on the toffee-like mass while trying to clear his mind.

This was nothing like the intel-gathering on the field. The pressure was different, the variables… In the field, Kaidan knew exactly what to look for and where to gather it, even if he was stuck on a base on earth, looking through the eyes of a combat-drone or vid-com. Here… Here he had the complete opposite. He had what he was looking for, but he didn’t know where the hell to connect it.

He had to find the origin, not the result.

With a small groan, Kaidan leaned back against the back of the bench, letting his head drop as far as he could backwards. He stared up at the white roof, trying his hardest not to think about solution, only gathering what he already knew.

A high-ranking officer’s pass and ID was being used, and the owner of the said ID and pass had reported it stolen over a month ago. It was said that the codes and clearance of the cards had been removed and, according to the files, that was accurate.  
The officer who had removed the clearance had been questioned and cleared as well as having an alibi for every time that the card had been used.  
There was no clear footage of the culprit, the one “clear” shot they had only showed the person from behind, but that was all. They had no estimate of the person’s height, proper build or even gender or hair. The culprit had been smart enough to dress in a neutral uniform that hid most features as well as the officer-hat to hide his or her hair.  
The person only struck when there was a camera black-out, which told them that the culprit either had help or was the cause of the black-outs, but they had yet to find the origin of the black-outs. Every it happened, security had been quick to get to the scene, only to find that everything was working fine. No fried circuits, hacked programs or cut wires.  
Only the highest military plans had been downloaded from the computers, five plans in total, though one of every third shipment of weapons to and from earth had been raided while the weapons were still in the cargo-shuttle.

Kaidan frowned, feeling a throb against his left temple. He carefully pressed his fingers against the spot, rubbing it.

It being an inside job… it seemed too obvious to him. Too easy an answer.  
Kaidan was in no way thinking that the Alliance were “too good” for anyone to be corrupted; corruption could happen to anyone anywhere.   
It was the way everything had gone down that left him with a feeling of a brilliantly crafted outside job, possibly with inside help.  
Though while an officers uniform was easy enough to fake, especially if the culprit had somehow managed to get that high-clearance ID and access cards, it was the ID and access cards that was bothering Kaidan.  
Even if a fake card and a fake clearance had been made, using the name of an already exciting officer, especially one that had already reported it as stolen, was downright dumb. It was a miracle in itself that it hadn’t been discovered, which strengthened Kaidan’s feeling on inside help.

How. Just how.

Kaidan let out a grunt of frustration. He could understand that the Alliance didn’t want to involve the police; there were big secrets on the loose, but damn it. He wasn’t a detective. He had no knowledge on how to solve this. His job was to gather intel and information, not solve mysteries.

Unscrewing the bottle with water, Kaidan took a deep gulp from it, some of the water escaping the opening and trickling down his chin and neck. The cool liquid felt good on his skin and for a moment he considered just dumping the contents of the bottle over his head.  
That almost became a reality as his omnitool let out an insistent alarm, alerting him about an incoming message, resulting in him almost choking on the water as it went down his windpipe.  
Coughing hard, Kaidan barely managed to open the message before letting out something that sounded like half a squeak, half a curse.

Another file had been leaked.

Shit.


	6. Revelations

Kaidan couldn’t remember the last time he’d been this frustrated.

The group had been working non-stop since the start, but the strain was beginning to show on them all. Almost a week into their private investigation had left them with a big fat nothing to show for, something the Commander was happy to let them know by yelling at them to “get their fingers out of their asses and get something done”.   
While not directly motivating for none of them, it was their own work that left them with a sense of both misery and failure.

Especially for Kaidan.  
He really didn’t mind the yelling that much, he was well used to that, being a junior officer and all. It seemed to be part of the job-description for higher ranking officers at times.  
No, it was the fact that he just didn’t -get- what the hell he was doing.

He had gathered a lot of intel, looked at everything they had and after a few brain-storms between them he had even located a few things they hadn’t even thought about, but so far they hadn’t found a common link between any of the thefts.   
What was worse was that, and that felt like a personal blow to Kaidan’s ego, there had been one more theft since he started on the investigations along with the other officers.

Kaidan Alenko had never been a quitter and by God, he was not about to start now.   
But that didn’t mean he couldn’t silently bitch and moan about it while working. And by God, he was. If his mother had been near, and could read minds, she would have washed his brain out with soap.

Thirteen hours into his latest ‘shift’ and all Kaidan really wanted to do was to slam his forehead against the keyboard in front of him and let out a groan. With his luck, his forehead would probably find out more than his brain and fingers had so far.  
That and his damn hair kept falling into his eyes, tickling his brow and eyelids, adding just another level of annoyance to everything. He made a mental note at the back of his mind about getting a hair-cut at some point.

“Okay, okay, has anyone checked time-stamp for that last heist,” Lieutenant Ammeson asked, his voice gruff, obviously annoyed and just about eating the cigarette between his lips.  
“About five times,” Brooks replied, the young woman looked as annoyed as Kaidan felt. “And before you ask, no cameras around the area have managed to capture the culprit. They were all offline in that section.”  
“Fuck me. What about the security, have we-“  
“Yes, we have the damn updated lists,” Nielsen replied, the blond-haired man looking ready to bite someone. “And I’ve checked them three times in the last hour. And I am waiting for the damn duty-roster for section B.”  
“What the hell is taking them so damn long,” Kaidan grunted, fingers flying over the keyboard as he sent over some documents to Ammeson. “Here’s the updated list on every person who’s clocked in and out around the time of the theft as well as every soul on duty. And the stolen access-card hasn’t been used at all except to get access on the computers at the time of the thefts.”

Ammeson let out a groan while continuing to work, comparing the timestamps against the people on and off duty in that section. “I don’t understand this. How is the asshole doing it? Getting inside, and then getting the cameras offline, getting the intel and getting out. Who or what the hell are we overlooking?”

Kaidan just let out a grunt, looking over the times of the black-outs in the different areas. He was starting to know the numbers by heart now, having looked at them so many times. They were starting to annoy him now. “Maybe he or she’s mastered the ability to teleport.”

“Don’t get an attitude, Alenko,” Ammeson growled, running his fingers through his own short, dark hair.

“Sorry, sir,” Kaidan replied, biting down hard to prevent himself from making another remark and just went back to focusing on his work. He was about to close down the document and open the list of security personnel when he spotted something he hadn’t noticed earlier. He squinted some as he read over the discovery again, just in case he was misreading something, before a small light-bulb went off in his head. It was a small shot, just a hunch really, but it was more than what they’d had in the last forty-eight hours.

“Lieutenant Ammeson, sir?” he said, looking over at the man. “Do you have the time-charts for the server resets?”

Ammeson raised an eyebrow before nodding at Kaidan, sending over the documents. “Sure, Alenko. But we’ve already looked at those documents and compared them to the black-outs. They happen all the damn time. What are you hoping to find?”

“I don’t know yet,” Kaidan replied, opening the documents before scanning over the different times and personnel on the list. “But with some luck, we might be getting a breakthrough.”  
He quickly put the black-out list up against the list with the server resets, his finger marking out the times when the black-outs happened and comparing them with the resets, then with the names.   
When he got the first matching times, he believed it to be a coincidence, too afraid to hope for a breakthrough.  
When the second matching times clocked in, he felt a small seed of hope appear in his stomach.  
By the time the fifth matching time appeared, he was all but grinning.

“Oh, this guy is good…”

“What? What did you find?” Ammeson quickly got up from his chair and walked over to Kaidan, looking over his shoulder along with Brooks and Nielsen.

“Look at this,” Kaidan said, pointing to the different times. “Every time a black-out happened, it’s been happening with a server update and reset. A scheduled reset. And it’s the same technician that’s been handling the resets, a corporal John Evans.”

“Updates and resets happen all the time,” Nielsen said, frowning some.

“Yes, we never get told about them until the day they are scheduled,” Kaidan said, quickly arranging the times so they were matching better. “And even if our systems get updated, the cameras are not supposed to be affected by it unless it’s the security-system that is updated and if that system is updated, we have the back-up system running. But look here,” he added, pointing to the times. “Here the cameras gets blacked out, they remain blacked out for like a minute, not even that, before they go back online. He has like a full minute before a server reset and update is made, leaving him plenty of time to get the intel before the computers and systems are shut down for the resets. The technician responsible is hiding and covering up the black-outs when resetting the systems! He’s simply been deleting the camera black-outs, and since the servers and system is updated, nobody notices that the intel is missing until much later. He’s the one that’s doing it.”

Ammeson frowned as he looked closer at the numbers. “Fuck me, you’re right. He’s hiding the damn black-outs with the resets. That’s ingenious. No wonder we couldn’t find the damn cause of the black-outs, he’s been deleting the damn information about it.”

“But how could he get the black-outs going, get the intel and then get back to restart and update the system?” Brooks asked, looking at Kaidan.

“He’s not,” Kaidan said, frowning some. “He’s never left his post according to security. But he’s probably been feeding the real culprit the times for when the resets happen.”   
He looked at Ammeson. “He’s a mole. He’s probably been able to get the intel for the cards and got the culprit a uniform as well. The only thing our culprit has to do is wander in during the resets, get to the correct computers and walk back out.”

“That’s so damn simple that I want to beat myself up for not seeing it sooner,” Nielsen growled, actually slapping his hand over his face.

“Sometimes we ignore the simple things because we always want to tackle the hard stuff,” Kaidan said, leaning back against the chair as the numbers glowed towards him. “Sometimes the easiest way really is the best way.”

Ammeson nodded, having already pushed himself away from Kaidan’s chair so he could call up the Commander. “Easy, but yet complicated. Guy’s smart, I’ll give him that.”

“They both are. And hopefully one will lead us to the other,” Kaidan replied, watching as all the numbers and facts started linking together on the screen, unable to hold back the satisfying grin from his face as everything seemed to match.

Neither did the Commander as he too got a chance to see the numbers as they added up half an hour later, giving Kaidan’s shoulder a firm pat and a shake.   
“Well done, son, well done!” he said with a look of smug satisfaction on his face.   
“Sir, they’ve taken in Evans for interrogation,” Ammeson said as he got off the main-com channel, looking towards the Commander. “They said he just about broke down and fessed up the second he was in the interrogation room. They said it was Sergeant Waldrell that was the main guy behind this.”   
The Commander frowned. “Wasn’t he the guy that was fired for accepting bribes?”   
“Yes, sir,” Ammeson confirmed. “The very same guy. They’re searching him as we speak.”

“Good, good, let me know the second they catch the bastard,” the Commander replied, straightening up. He gave the four intel-gatherers a look before giving them a firm nod. “I’m proud off you, men. All off you. You gave it your best and you caught the bastard. It took it’s time, but you didn’t give up. For that, the Alliance salutes you.”  
The four of them grinned at each other before the Commander nodded his head towards the door. “Now get out of here. You’ve been holed up in this damn office long enough. Catch yourself some rest, take the rest of the day off.”

“Yes, sir!” 

Kaidan happily got up from the chair, stretching his body out and even feeling the bones crack back into place from sitting for so damn long. Then he laughed as Nielsen wrapped a strong arm around his shoulder, letting out a cheer. “You did it, you bastard! You nailed him!”

“We nailed him,” Kaidan corrected while Ammeson just slapped him on the back.

“Don’t sell yourself short, Alenko, you were the one that found the link! Damn good job there!”  
“Any one of us would have been able to see it, I just happened to have the intel at the moment,” the biotic protested, but he knew that it was no point in protesting. Besides, it wasn’t like they were mocking him for his achievement, they were genuinely proud off him.

And that was good enough for him.

“Come on, let’s grab a beer tonight! My treat,” Nielsen said, his voice eager, giving Kaidan’s shoulders a squeeze before releasing him.   
“Hell yeah, I’m game! Just need to grab a bite and a shower,” Brooks said, grinning widely after giving Kaidan’s shoulder a pat. “You’re coming too, right?” she asked, looking over at Kaidan.

Kaidan hesitated for a moment before smiling, nodding his head in confirmation. “Yeah… Yeah, I’ll come with.” At least for as long as his head would allow it.

“Great, man! This is in your honour after all,” Nielsen said, winking at Kaidan.

Kaidan just nodded his head at the trio before watching as they left.

To his honour… Kaidan had never had anything made in his honour before and while he still felt that it was an achievement made as a team, it still felt good that they appreciated his work, even if it was his ego that had taken over at the final hours.

Hell, it felt damn good to know that all his hard work was bearing fruits.

Blinking his eyes, Kaidan looked up as some of his hair came dangling over his forehead again, tickling his brow. He blew some air up in an attempt to get it out of his eyes.

Yup… Definitely time to get a haircut. Or at least get the damn fringes out of his eyes.


	7. Dates

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan thinks about dating...

Even when he entered the age of twenty-six, Kaidan had never been one for dates. 

Sure, the companionship of a nice girl or even a nice bloke was welcome, but he knew that he wasn’t ready for anything serious. He had too many unresolved issues for that.   
That and he were focusing on his career, wanting to make something good for himself before he could think in those directions. It had been a while since he’d thought about the books he’d read as a kid, where the hero travelled to space, fought the bad guys and got the girl.

When he was made Staff Sergeant at twenty-five, he was thinking about taking a more serious direction with his work. While the work he did as an intel-officer was enjoyable, rewarding and presented him with a lot of interesting challenges to his mind, it was the computer-screen itself that finally was the deciding factor. With age, he found, his eyes got more sensitive. While still young, the many hours in front of the computer every damn day were killer on his eyes and in turn, killer on his head. After a check-up with his doctor to adjust the amount of pain-meds he needed, he was recommended to finally switch his profession.

Kaidan, in truth, didn’t mind a whole lot. He did want to do something else, something more physical, getting his hands dirty so to speak, and after a lot of consideration, he had decided to opt for more field-work. He wanted to become a Marine.  
With the decision came more hard work and while he still flat out refused to have his implants replaced, he had started to use his biotics a little more. Not much, usually only to protect his squad mates. He still wanted to show that he was more than just a biotic; he doubted that desire would ever change.

All in all, his focus on work left him with little to no interest in actually dating someone.

Still, when colleagues asked him out for lunch or dinner every once in a while, Kaidan usually said yes if he had the time to spare. Half the time he didn’t know he was being asked out for a date, having about the same romantic radars as a desert rock.

That, according to one of his dates, had been half the charm.

The times he did realise that it was a date, it was usually a little awkward.  
Nice, but awkward.

One the very rare occasions when he and his date ended up drunk and ended up sleeping together it was even more awkward, but so far he had managed to not hurt anyone with his denseness when it came to relationships. That and he usually had enough sense not to get so hammered that he started thinking with the wrong head.

At least most of the time.

Soldier or not, he was a man and he did have needs.

He just usually suppressed them.

More importantly, one-night stands were not to his tastes, finding little to no satisfaction in it. His wild years after BAaT had left him with a serious distaste for it when thinking back on all the stupid mistakes that he had done.

He was no longer that messed up kid.  
As he had grown older, he had been able to wrap a tight fist of control around himself, priding himself in being able to be in control most of the time. Maybe as he continued to grow older, become more experienced, his control would become better.  
Both on the field and in his private life.

Despite all his flaws when it came to dealing with people and relationships on a more intimate level, Kaidan still found himself dating a rather pretty young woman named Lisbeth from the security office at his work-base for a period of time. 

Blond, blue-eyed, taller than he was and with a wit as sharp as her combat-reflexes. Beautiful too, but not in a model-sense beautiful. It was a more natural beauty to her that Kaidan found that he liked, the same beauty that Rahna had been blessed with.  
She was funny too, more raunchy than most of the men at the base, and while well-spoken and patient, she had the mouth of a drunken old space-pirate at times.

Despite all of those things, Kaidan still felt completely at a loss every time they went out together, not feeling the vibe with her. At least not the right kind. She was attractive, but he just wasn’t attracted to her.

He thought he was, at the very start, but he slowly found out that there was a difference between being attracted to someone and just wanting to have fun with someone without thinking about work.  
Somehow, and he wasn’t sure when or how it happened, he had started viewing her more as a good friend rather than his girlfriend.

Three months into their relationship, and at least a dozen mental arguments with himself, Kaidan decided to come clean with her before their relationship really took a more serious turn. They were both busy with work and only saw each other once or twice a week. Spending the night together had not been brought up and Kaidan was actually a bit glad for that.

Problem was he wasn’t sure how to best end it without hurting her feelings. He had tried to make up a list in his head to make sure that she understood that it was all him, not her. Hell, he had even practiced in front of a mirror for one hour once he had decided on what to say. At one point he had even considered just writing her an e-mail before he decided that no, he was not that big of a wimp. He was an alliance soldier, damn it; Staff Sergeant and training to become a Marine. If he couldn’t be up front with a woman, then how could he expect to handle the enemy?

When he was sure of himself, he called Lisbeth up and asked her out, making sure to let her know that he needed to talk to her about something important. If she figured out that he was about to end their relationship, Kaidan couldn’t hear it in her voice as she accepted his invitation.  
In a way, that made him even more nervous.

They agreed to meet at a small restaurant outside the Alliance Navy base area; a place Kaidan knew served great Thai-food.  
Lisbeth was already waiting outside when Kaidan came, smiling brightly at him. Her long hair was tied up into a messy bun and Kaidan had to admire just how well she made the blue navy-security slacks look. Even when coming straight from work she looked lovely and yet he couldn’t summon up any sort of desire for her.   
If anything, it made him even more certain that ever that he was doing the right thing.

“Kaidan, just in time, as always. Not a minute too soon or a minute too late,” she said cheerfully, hugging Kaidan close before kissing his cheek. “Come on, I skipped lunch today and I am ready to just order everything on the menu!”

He smiled softly as she walked into the restaurant, already talking about some idiot she’d been forced to put in cuffs because he was trying to get “cute with her”.   
“He really thought that he being some sort of hot-shot in the electronics business was going to make me beg him to go out with him, but he wasn’t so hot when he was bend over my desk and cuffed,” she grinned while sitting down by a free table at the back of the restaurant.

“I don’t know, he could have found it totally hot that he’d met a woman that could dominate him,” Kaidan smirked while handing her a menu.

“He wouldn’t have found me very hot when I made good of my threat to shove a gun-clip up his ass,” Lisbeth replied with a smirk, making Kaidan laugh.   
“There are a lot of weird fetishes out there,” he mused back, smirking at Lisbeth who just attempted to swat Kaidan with her menu.

After deciding on their meals, Kaidan going with a noodle-dish and Lisbeth choosing a beef dish with fried rice and shrimps with French fry on the side for them to share, they just started talking about their day. That was how it usually went, Kaidan realised. They never really talked about them, they just talked. About everything and nothing, and while it was nice and he felt comfortable, it was hardly groundbreaking when it came to developing their relationship. 

When the food came, they started digging in while talking about the new developments in council space, Lisbeth expressing her desire to go there while Kaidan stated that he just wanted to go into space and serve.   
“Well,” Lisbeth said, pointing her fork at him while smirking. “You’ve been working hard lately, Alenko, so you might get that dream come true sooner than you think. You just need to gain a little more weight on you, marine.”

“Hey, I’m big enough,” Kaidan protested.

Lisbeth just grinned at him, sticking a French fry into her mouth. “And yet I can still take you on when we arm-wrestle.”

Kaidan snorted some before he realised that he’d been playing with his noodles for the last five minutes. He didn’t want to put it off anymore; it was gnawing too badly on his brain.   
He inhaled deeply before looking up at Lisbeth. “Lisbeth… I hate to bring this up while we eat and put a killer on the mood, but…”

Lisbeth looked at him for a moment before reaching out and gently touching his hand. The happy glow in her eyes was replaced with worry now. “Kaidan… Is everything alright?” She tried to offer him a smile. “You did say you wanted to talk so…”

“I am sorry,” Kaidan said, swallowing some. “I just… This…” He let out a small sigh before looking down. “… This isn’t working out for me.”

“You were the one that wanted Thai, Kaidan.”

“No, no, I mean us. Our relationship,” Kaidan replied, removing his hand from Lisbeth’s, using it to rub his face before he held it over his mouth, breathing out hard. “I just… I am sorry, but I just… I don’t have the right feelings for you. You are great, Lisbeth, you are, but I am just not feeling it. And it’s…” He let out a bitter laugh.  
“This is like the oldest excuse in the world, heck in the galaxy, but… It really is not you. It is me.” He placed the hand over his forehead, shaking his head some as he tried to get his thoughts straight. “I mean, I am here on a date with a lovely woman and I just… I am enjoying myself, but I am enjoying myself in the wrong way, if that makes any sense. Clearly it is me that is lacking -something- here.”

He gave her an apologetic look and he honestly felt like a douche bag for not being able to like her in a way she deserved, especially since she was taking the time to date him. “I mean… I am not the most open person and I figured I was just being careful. Slow even. So I just wanted to see if I would get better, if my feelings would change, but I just…” He sighed softly. “I… I want to like you. I do like you, but… I think that we should stay as friends, Lisbeth.”

“Oh, thank god.”

Kaidan looked up, staring at Lisbeth as she just grinned back at him. “Eh?”

She just reached out and gently placed her hand over Kaidan’s again, squeezing it. “I feel the same way, Kaidan. I like you, you are great. Amazing. Kind and supportive. Adorable in your own dorky way.”  
When Kaidan raised an eyebrow at her, she just grinned even more. “A good, dorky way. And while I like you, I really do, there is something… lacking between us. The right kind of chemistry. I feel like I am going out with my best friend, not my boyfriend.”

“So… You’re not mad?”

“Why would I be mad, Kaidan? You are being honest with me and that is something I appreciate. And even though you just did make the oldest excuse in the galaxy, I believe you since its coming from you. But I will also add that it’s not you. I think it’s both of us. We… just don’t have those feelings. Shit happens. And hey, you were not the only one who was being slow, I haven’t exactly said anything about it myself, now, have I.”   
She smiled and released Kaidan’s hand with a shrug of her shoulders before looking at him. “But… I would really like for us to remain friends. If you are okay with that. I mean, I understand it if it’ll be awkward for you and-”  
“No, no,” Kaidan interrupted, shaking his head some as he gave her a wide smile. “No, I… I would love to remain as your friend, Lisbeth. I have a great time with you when we’re together.”

Lisbeth gave Kaidan a wide, beautiful smile in return, making him smile even wider back at her. “Really?”

“Really,” he confirmed before letting the wide, happy smile turn more impish. “I need to have someone to carry my bags for me since I apparently am not big enough to be a marine.”

Lisbeth just grinned at Kaidan and flicked a piece of French fry in his direction. “You wish, Alenko. You can carry your own damn bags.”  
Kaidan just chuckled before returning to his food with a new-found appetite, finally able to enjoy his food again as the casual conversation started up again. He found that he enjoyed the conversation between them a heck of a lot more now that he was able to relax and not think about being a good boyfriend. Now he could focus on being a friend instead.

“So, did you hear about that soldier who single-handedly managed to defend his entire squad on Elysium?” she said instead, the straw from her soda halfway inside her mouth and a bit of French fry at the corner of her mouth. “John… John Shu-something.”

“Shepard,” Kaidan said, offering his napkin to her while indicating with his finger where the fry was. “John Shepard. And yeah, I heard. Guy must be a real piece of work, managing to battle Batarians singlehandedly. Those guys aren’t exactly cuddly puppies.”

Lisbeth just laughed. “I am sure that he had some help, but still! I heard he’s real young and really climbing the ladder towards officer. A combat genius, a natural on the battleground. Able to make snap decisions and taking the tough choices. Heard that his work on Elysium earned him an offer to join the N7’s.”

“Sounds like you’re in love already.”

“Well, you don’t want me so I have to set my sights on someone else. Maybe I’ll try someone my own height this time.”

“Ouch.”

Lisbeth just gave Kaidan a downright wicked grin as she continued to eat, rambling on about her work and her day as well as the week-end she was planning with her sister while Kaidan himself just nodded and listened, stealing French-fries from the small bowl and getting his hand swatted for it.

He absolutely loved it.


	8. Soldier-Boy

No matter how many times Kaidan went into space, he was always fascinated every time he did it. There were simply so many things to see, people to talk to.  
And they did talk to a lot of people, alien and human alike.

Kaidan wasn’t fuzzed, the universal translators equipped under his skin, just above his ears, helped in understanding their tongue. It didn’t matter to him who he worked with, he happily co-operated with whoever he was told to work with.  
He liked working with Asaris’, at least those who didn’t mind working with him. Some frowned over the thought of a human biotic since their skills were “created”, not something that was natural to their kind like the Asaris’ abilities were.  
Others were fascinated by him and his abilities as well as the natural strength to his biotics, telling him that he was rivalling many of the best users in the Asari military. He didn’t know how strong the Asari Commandos were, but being compared to the best there was easily understood as a big compliment.

He was still a passive user of biotics, though he was growing more and more used to using them for more practical things. Like adding that extra push during heavy lifting, bringing weapons closer to his squad while under heavy fire without risking being shot while doing so, or just shielding himself and his comrades when their own shields gave out. He was still very much a hesitant user though, refusing to be dependant on his biotics to do his every need. It was an edge, a last resort.   
He didn’t want to be relying on them because there would be times when he couldn’t give that shield or have the capacity to use his biotics to send his squad-mates a gun when their own overheated.

Still, he was used to working with very capable people now; people that held their own ground, skilled in different ways. People who trusted their own skills as much as they trusted their team-mates' skills. People that Kaidan admired and respected in more ways than one because of their dedication to their field and skills.

Kaidan himself still felt more like a wild-card, having yet to find something that was truly tickling his interests as well as satisfying him on a mental as well as physical level. Being a Marine and a foot-soldier was all well and good, but having something extra was always good. Like with his biotics, it would give him that extra edge.

Ever since he stopped his profession as an intel-gatherer, he’d picked up new skills here and there. He’d served for nine years now, steadily climbing the ranks of officer, having been promoted to second lieutenant a few months earlier.

He was called a “jack of all trades” by his squad-mates, knowing a fair amount of most things. He’d taken a year to study field-medicine after he gained enough experience as a Marine, feeling that it was needed after he’d been part of a mission that almost cost the squad their team-leader when he was by a bullet to the abdomen.   
After that Kaidan started studying engineering so he was capable of doing light field-repairs to weapons and machines while under heavy fire, having experienced first hand how much it downright -sucked- when equipment broke down.   
Now he was working on shuttle and ship-flight so he could serve as a co-pilot. Mostly he kept his eyes on the radar and signals, doing very little actual flying, but he had the basic knowledge needed for take-off, landing and flight. He was hardly capable of fast, smooth flying, emergency landing or evasive manoeuvres.

He had seen and worked with many talented people while he worked on his flight-degree, though the one that stood out the most was a young pilot named Jeff Moerau, nicknamed Joker. A rather cheerful man and one of the best, if not the best pilot Kaidan had ever seen. The fact that he suffered brittle-bone disease just made him all the more impressive and Kaidan had to admire the strength and downright stubborn nature Joker showed by winning over his disease. It wasn’t slowing him down in the slightest and while Joker was more than happy to brag about his accomplishments, annoying some people to no end with them, Kaidan knew that he had more than earned that right. 

Joker wasn’t just blowing hot air. He simply was that good and Kaidan was lucky that he was able to train with the pilot, learning as much from watching him as he was from the instructors.  
He also felt inspired by Joker, feeling that if Joker could handle the challenges tossed his way with his disease, then Kaidan could handle his own migraines.

Though it was easy to think it and a lot harder to actually do something about it, especially when it felt like someone had stuffed a rampaging Krogan into his head and it was now bashing its way out.

That was the downside of being a co-pilot, Kaidan figured. A lot of noise and a lot of bright, flashing lights in different colours, blinking all around him. Most of the time it went okay. Maybe as much as ninety percent of the time. But the remaining ten… He could bite himself through it long enough to request for someone to take over and wait until the person actually got there, at least during simulations. Thank god for good, long simulations to check not only reflexes, but also durability.  
It was probably one of many small things that would ensure that Kaidan would never ever be able to be a shuttle-pilot. His sensitivity to light and noise, as well as the itch he seemed to get whenever he remained still for too long.

Not that he minded. He preferred being a Marine, being out there and getting his hands dirty.

Like father like son, he figured. His father was a Marine as well, a soldier. Even when his dad was at home he always seemed to do something, be it minor repairs or upgrades to the house, working on banged up cars or just tending to the garden. Heck, at times it seemed like he did most of the housework as well, which frustrated Kaidan’s mom to no end. “There’s nothing left here for me to do,” she would say, but Kaidan knew that his mother appreciated all the help her husband was giving her around the house.

Still, any training was good training, and Kaidan was enjoying the piloting as much as he was able to.   
That and the chance of working with someone like Joker was great fun. It was, in fact, the first time in a long, long time he was actually smiling and relaxing while training. 

It almost made his face hurt and as far as he was concerned… It was more than worth it.


	9. The Normandy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan is finally introduced to the Normandy

Serving for ten years within the Alliance military, both as an officer, as a marine, but first and foremost as a soldier, has taught Kaidan a lot of things.

Always trust your squad-mates. They know what they are doing.

Never look a gift-horse in the mouth. If it sounds too good to be true, then it probably is.

Don't be a colossal idiot and decline an offer that is obviously a once in a life-time opportunity no matter how lacking you think you are for the job. The Alliance asked you for a reason so don't question them.

Of course, all the things he had learned came with a certain obvious "there is always an exception to the rules", but for the offer that Kaidan now was faced with… Well, Kaidan had found himself to be a lot of things in his thirty-one year of living and ten years of serving, but being dumb enough to decline this..?

Not an option.

Especially when it was Captain Anderson, one of the first and most famous N7 graduate and soldier from the first contact war that personally gave –-him-, Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko, biotic and "Jack-of-all trades" Marine the offer.

If Kaidan had the permission, he would have squealed with delight.

He could still hear the words ringing in his ears as he hurried down the long hallway down towards the Vancouver shuttle hangar where he would be introduced to the biggest project the Alliance had had in a long, long time. 

The evolvement and construction of a state of the art, prototype "deep scout" frigate.

The SSV Normandy.

Kaidan had heard all the rumours, all the whispers about the ship, everything to it being able to fly ten times as faster as the fastest jet out there to it being practically invisible with its new Cyclonic Barrier Technology, which everyone and their mothers knew was still on the early development stages.

It didn't stop the rumours though and Kaidan wouldn't be surprised if the next thing he heard was that the SSV Normandy could transform into a robot while on the ground.

It didn't matter though. Soon he would get to see the wonder with his own eyes and he could feel his inner child jump up and down with excitement.

Being saluted still felt strange to him, even though he had been an officer for quite some time now. It felt downright weird being the one that people listened to when it felt he had so much to learn.   
Still, he saluted the two guards' right back as he passed through the checkpoint. Then he was waved over to the scanner to have his identity verified as well as clearing the sidearm that was hanging from his belt before he was let into a new hallway.  
He walked quickly down the path and was soon met with two more guards. One quick salute and he was let through a new door, into a larger room where two officers were waiting.

Captain David Anderson and Admiral Steven Hackett.

Kaidan swallowed hard. Just being in the presence of these two downright legendary men was enough to make his head spin.

"Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko," Captain Anderson said, stepping towards Kaidan.

"Sir," Kaidan replied, straightening up and snapping his best salute.

Anderson nodded before gesturing towards Admiral Hackett. "I trust you have heard of Admiral Steven Hackett," he said, looking a little amused by his own statement. There wasn't a soul in the Alliance military army that hadn't heard of Admiral Steven Hackett unless the person had been living under a rock for the last thirty or so years.

"Of course, sir," Kaidan said back, once again snapping a salute. "It is an honour."

"At ease. Lieutenant," Hackett replied, giving Kaidan a nod back. "I trust you have been briefed on why you have been called here?"

"Not completely, sir," Kaidan replied honestly. "I was only told that I was to be evaluated to be part of the maiden voyage of the Normandy." He felt his stomach do a happy-dance just from repeating the basic mail even if it was just an evaluation. There were probably many people who were being evaluated.

"Close, but not completely correct," Anderson replied before nodding his head towards the door behind him. "Come with us, Lieutenant."

Kaidan felt his stomach sink, the happy-dance over.   
"Sir." He followed without question though, knowing that everything would be revealed to him in time. He just had to be patient.

Even if it was damn hard. 

"How much have you heard about the Normandy, Lieutenant," Anderson asked as he opened the door, indicating for Kaidan to enter it first, quickly followed by himself and Hackett.

"Only the very basics and a lot of rumours, sir," Kaidan replied, waiting for Anderson and Hackett to take the lead before following.

"You're in for a treat then, Alenko," Anderson replied, lips still tugged into that small, warm, though amused smile as he walked down a longer corridor, passing several windows that showed researchers, engineers and scientists working on charts, models and schematics.   
It was like a different world from the life Kaidan knew on the army-base. The future was created in places such as this.

"The Normandy," Anderson continued, snapping Kaidan out of his fascination, steering him back to the subject at hand. "Is a prototype "deep scout" frigate, first of the eponymous Normandy class, co-developed by the Alliance and the Turian Hierarchy with the sponsorship of the Citadel Council."

"The Citadel Council?" Kaidan raised an eyebrow. "Why would the Citadel sponsor an Alliance project? We don't even have a seat on the Council."   
He was tempted to add a "yet" to the end of the sentence, but Kaidan knew better than to take things for granted. In fact, he often found himself agreeing with the Council's decision that humanity was not ready for such a step up in power. Especially since Ambassador Udina more often than not came across as an angry five-year old stomping his leg onto the ground while screaming "But I want it now!"

"Alliance and Turian," Anderson pointed out. "And the reason why this ship is being developed here is classified as off yet, but everything will be clear to you by the end of the day."

"Yes, sir."

"She is optimized for solo-reconnaissance mission deep within unstable regions," Anderson continued, simply picking up where Kaidan had interrupted him. "She is using state-of-the-art stealth technology powered by an experimental drive core, unlike anything used in the Alliance military before."

"And making Udina and a lot of other high-level military officers positively squirm in their seat from the amount of credits we have spent on this project so far," Hackett added, though he sounded amused.

"Credits that are well worth it," Anderson smirked while Kaidan just looked amazed. 

"That sounds very good, sir, but I am still a little confused as to why I am here," he said before stopping as he almost walked into Anderson as he stopped.

"Just take a moment and look at this," the captain said, smirking some as he pushed a button on the consol in front of him.   
Kaidan looked up, peering through the glass window that separated them from a completely darkened hangar. As Anderson pushed the button, a siren went off before several lights were turned on.

Light gleamed off the white and black metal surface as the Normandy slowly was revealed with each lit spotlight, the body of it shining; almost glowing as the dark room slowly became illuminated.

"Oh wow…"

Anderson smirked, looking towards Kaidan, amused by the staff lieutenants stunned expression. "She's a marvel, isn't she?"

"Yes, sir," Kaidan replied, taking a step closer towards the window so he could take it all in. 

The SSV Normandy was the most impressive ship Kaidan had ever seen in his long, military life. A masterpiece of human and alien technology merged together to create something that he could only call downright perfection.  
He could tell just by looking at the sleek body of the ship that the Normandy was a lot more than just a frigate. She was a wonder, a symbol. Something to inspire both humanity and the other races. A direct proof that humanity could not only work with other races, but merge with them. Teach as much as being taught.

"Alenko, how would you like to serve on such a ship?"

Kaidan doesn't quite believe what he's hearing at first. It's a question, sure, but what kind of question.  
"Sir, it would be an honour above anything I else I've done so far."

A neutral answer with a positive ring to it. It would be an honour, but not a given. It is not an offer, just a question.

Anderson nods before looking at Hackett. He murmured something, though both of them had their eyes on Kaidan. For a moment he's taken back to BAaT; feeling the intense gaze of his teachers. Evaluating him. Judging him even.  
They end their conversation with a small nod before Anderson clears his throat.

"You are a smart man, Alenko, so you have probably already guessed that we're not here for you to just see this ship. But you are also a realistic man, knowing that being here is not something you should take for granted. So I will cut the bullcrap and be straight with you." Anderson gestured to the ship.   
"We are looking for a team with the best people the Alliance Military can offer to fly and run this ship. And you are one of those, Alenko."

Kaidan felt his breath catch in his throat as he slowly turns to look at Anderson, a look of shock on his face.

"Don't look so surprised, Alenko, I've read your files. A good, steady line of promotions, several special commendations. You're smart, you're quick and you're more than a capable soldier. You have showed good integrity, good judgement. Willing to do what is right even if it is a tough call. Trusting your gut. Hell, it's only the L2 implants that you insist on keeping that's kept you out of the N7 program."

Kaidan hoped his ears weren't as red as they felt. They sure felt hot enough. It wasn't everyday that you were praised by Captain David Anderson.  
"I… Thank you, sir."

"Don't thank me, soldier. Thank yourself. It's your doing, not mine."

"I… Yes, sir. Of course, sir."

Anderson's lips tugged into a smile. "You are one of the best, Alenko. And I want you to be part of my crew as we take the Normandy on her maiden voyage. I want you to be my head of Marine details. What do you say to that, son?"

Serving for ten years within the Alliance military, both as an officer, as a marine, but first and foremost as a soldier, has taught Kaidan a lot of things.

Always trust your squad-mates. They know what they are doing.

Never look a gift-horse in the mouth. If it sounds too good to be true, then it probably is.

Don't be a colossal idiot and decline an offer that is obviously a once in a life-time opportunity no matter how lacking you think you are for the job. The Alliance asked you for a reason so don't question them.

Kaidan knew he had to answer within ten seconds or less or he really would be that big of a colossal idiot.

"Sir, it would be an honour, sir."

And Kaidan was not that big of a colossal idiot.


	10. The Hero of Elysium

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan and Shepard meet. At last!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everything from this point will be based on what happened when I played the game; everything from Shepard's backstory, his class and his responses.

Being head of the Marine details meant that there was nothing that Kaidan didn’t know about the things that were going on around the ship except for the things he weren’t supposed to know. He was fine with that, it was the way he preferred things.

He was also surprised over the amount of people he actually knew, but the one that made him grin when he saw him was Joker. He was not surprised that Anderson and Hackett had chosen him to fly the Normandy.

“This dame needs a special hand to fly her and I got the touch,” Joker said, grinning at Kaidan who just chuckled and grinned in return.

The biggest surprise though was when the commander of the ship was announced, making several people gasp. Whispers were already filling the briefing room.

There was not a soul who had not heard about Commander John Shepard, the latest N7 graduate. The hero of Elysium.  
People were talking, creating their own images about the man. They had been doing that for the last seven years now, ever since Shepard had fought on Elysium.

Tall, strong, muscled. Able to stop batarians with one arm, shoot with the other and somehow saving people with a third.  
An aura of command, of respect and strength radiating from him as he held a gun with one hand and a woman in the other.

Larger than life for sure. A god damned hero.

Kaidan had never seen the man himself, but even he had to admit that the romantic, space-loving part of his brain was already envisioning Shepard as one of the guys from the books he used to read as a kid.

When he actually did see him though, Commander John Shepard was everything and nothing like Kaidan had actually pictured.

Strong, yes.  
Muscled, definitely.  
Tall. Not so much. Kaidan suspected that might have an inch or two on him.

Handsome… Now he couldn’t deny that fact, even if he wanted to. Not that he did, he was well aware of his sexuality and was comfortable with it. It was the twenty-second century after all.

Shepard had the standard military buzz-cut, but the slight fuzz that covered his head was dark. He also noted the small scar that cut into Shepard’s hair-line on the left side of his forehead. The eyes were blue and intense; the eyes of a man who had seen a lot.   
Maybe too much given the commanders’ young age. There were tired lines under the blue eyes, but the face was young, free of wrinkles and clean-shaved with just a hint of a five-a’ clock shadow covering the strong jaw.

While not the seven foot Greek god everyone kept picturing, Commander John Shepard was, in every sense of the word, an impressing man with an aura so intense that you couldn’t help but notice him.

While Kaidan didn’t want to judge Shepard by first impression alone, so far his impression was that Shepard was a man that could get things done.  
What did surprise Kaidan though was how humble the man seemed to be. As Anderson guided the commander onto the shop, presenting him to his crew, he took his time to salute and greet every single one of them, but he didn’t say anything else.  
Not because he found himself to be better than them. Kaidan could tell by the way he acted, by the way his hands kept shifting when he wasn’t saluting. 

The hero of Elysium was overwhelmed with the chance that he had been given, just like the rest of them.

Somehow that small fact just made Kaidan respect the man all the more.

When Shepard reached Kaidan, the lieutenant snapped at attention and saluted him. Shepard did the same before offering him his hand to shake. “Shepard,” he merely said and Kaidan answered in turn. 

“Alenko.”

The handshake was firm, short, exactly as Kaidan had thought it would be. The hand was solid, the fingers roughened from years of handling weapons. The hand of a proper soldier.

Shepard gave Kaidan a tired smile, like he had done nothing but salute, shake hands and meet new people. He probably had, since he had only been promoted to Commander a few weeks ago according to the Intel Kaidan had received.  
Kaidan’s own lips tugged into a smile and he was about to open his mouth to say something. Something like “Welcome aboard” or something equally clever, but before he knew it, Shepard was gone, busy with introducing himself to the next person.

Not really surprising and yet… Kaidan was disappointed.  
Then he figured that they would always get a chance to talk later. They would serve together on the same ship after all. 

There would always be time for pleasantries later.

***

The Normandy was flying like a dream, soaring through space with an ease and elegance that would impress even the most stubborn Turian. Not that Kaidan was surprised, considering who was piloting the ship.

Joker seemed to have the time of his life as well, letting his hands dance over the controls, making the ship obey his every wink. Still, there was a look of determination in his eyes, which could have something to do with the Turian guest they had with them: Nihlus Kryik. 

Having a Spectre onboard was exciting (and terrifying) enough, but the council’s most decorated Spectre..? It was enough to make every human onboard a little nervous.

Kaidan was comfortable in his own seat, monitoring the numbers as they ticked over the screen.  
As they passed Jupiter, heading towards the Charon Relay, Kaidan plotted in the links to connect the Charon Relay to the Arcturus Prime Relay before nodding at Joker.

Joker nodded back before making his own adjustments. “The Arcturus Prime Relay is in range. Initiation transmission sequence.”

They soared towards Neptune and Kaidan could see the faint glow from the relay in the distance. His monitored beeped and a small light flashed, indicating that the connection had been made between Charon and Arcturus.   
Joker’s own monitor beeped as well; the Charon Relay had connected with the Normandy. “We are connected. Calculation transit mass and destination.”

The blue planet passed them as Joker took them closer to the Relay, the glow turning brighter, bigger. “The relay is hot. Acquiring approach vector.”

Kaidan took a sharp inhale. He hadn’t been this far past the Sol system before. Heck, his earliest space-exploration was like a toe dipped in a large swimming-pool in comparison. He had only travelled by Mass Relays a handful of times and it had never failed to give him that surge in the pit of his stomach.

“All stations secure for transit.”

Joker’s hands continued to fly over the controls, having steel control over the ship. His usually happy face was pulled into a look of pure concentration. This would be the Normandy’s first flight through a Mass Relay. While there was no doubt that the ship could handle such a trip: heck, it would be a surprise if it couldn’t, there was still that excitement that came with every new ship.

Nihlus remained quiet, arms folded over his chest, watching through the window as the Relay came nearer and nearer.   
When the sound of firm footsteps came towards the bridge, stopping next to him, he took his time to nod at the newcomer. The Commander looked serious, determined, but unable to hide that excited little glow in his eyes, like a child on his first space-trip.

“The board is green. Approach run has begun.” Joker made a small adjustment to their course, bringing the ship up and around towards the side of the Relay as they drew nearer. 

The size of the massive machine was impressive and Kaidan could feel his stomach make a small flip as they turned closer.   
Joker just grinned as he swung the ship closer, sailing up the side of the relay, the glowing mass illuminating the cockpit. “Hitting the relay in three… Two…”

The relay’s element zero core started glowing harder as the relay connected with the ship, “grabbing a hold” of it as they prepared for the jump.   
As Joker said “One”, they made the transit, the ship flung from the Charon Relay and the Sol system.   
In a heart-beat they re-emerged in the Utopia system were Joker immediately went over the Normandy’s systems. “Thrusters… Check. Navigation… Check.” He tapped his hand against the monitor, earning a small chirp back from the system. “Internal emissions sink engaged. All systems online. Drift…just under fifteen-hundred k.”

“Fifteen-hundred is good. Your captain will be pleased,” Nihlus said, speaking up for the first time since he arrived in the cockpit.   
Then he left without another word, making Joker roll his eyes.

“I hate that guy.”

Kaidan chuckled as he looked towards Joker, finishing up his own system’s check, sending and filing the flight-report to be evaluated by Captain Anderson later. “Nihlus gave you a compliment… So you hate him?”

Joker let out a snort and glanced over at Kaidan, giving him a look, complete with a raised eyebrow. “You remember to zip up your jumpsuit on the way out of the bathroom? That’s good. I just jumped us hallway across the galaxy and hit a target the size of a pinhead. So that’s incredible!” He shrugged his shoulder and looked from Kaidan, back to the monitors. “Besides, Spectres are trouble. I don’t like having him onboard. Call me paranoid.”

“You’re paranoid,” Kaidan quipped back as he glanced over at Joker, a small smile visible on his lips. “The council helped fund this project. They have a right to send someone to keep an eye on their investment.”

“Yeah, that is the official story,” Joker replied dryly as he eased down on the Normandy’s thrusters, slowing their speed by a thousand. Not much, but enough to keep the fuel from being wasted. “But only an idiot believes the official story.”

Shepard just smirked and looked over at Joker. “You always expect the worse.”

“Well, bad feelings are an occupational hazard,” Joker replied dryly. “We don’t go anywhere unless there’s a good reason, so what are we doing here?” He looked towards Kaidan as if he expected the head of marine Intel to know something he didn’t, but Kaidan just shrugged his shoulders lightly.

He only had the official, well-known reason that Anderson had briefed them on before they left Earth, but he had his speculations.  
The Council didn’t send their most decorated Spectre just to see if their investments were treated with careful hands. Nor did the Alliance hire top men for routine-missions so there was something going on.

He didn’t get the time to voice his thoughts, not that he would have anyway, as Anderson’s voice came through the comm. “Joker! Status report.”

“Just cleared the mass relay, Captain,” Joker replied, quickly going back to watching the monitors, clicking on the needed systems. “Stealth system engaged. Everything looks solid.”

“Good,” Anderson replied quickly. “Find a comm buoy and link us into the network. I want mission reports relayed back to Alliance brass before we reach Eden Prime.”

“Aye aye, Captain,” Joker replied while Kaidan reached over to link the Normandy to the nearest comm buoy. “Better brace yourself, sir. I think Nihlus is headed your way.”

“He’s already here, Lieutenant” Anderson replied in a bit of a surly tone. Joker just shook his head while Kaidan fought back a snicker that threatened to escape him, focusing fully on his own monitors. “Tell Commander Shepard to meet me in the comm room for a debriefing.” Then the link was switched off with a barely auditable peep before Joker sighed. 

“You get that, Commander?”

“I’m on my way,” Shepard replied, already turning and leaving the cockpit.

“Pff,” Joker snorted, glancing over at Kaidan. “Is it me or does the captain always sound a little pissed off?”

“Only when he’s talking to you, Joker,” Kaidan replied, smirking at Joker who just waved his hand at the staff lieutenant.

This was going to be an interesting mission.


	11. The First Human Spectre

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the happy trio goes to the Citadel, Shepard makes new friends and Kaidan tries his very best to prevent his brain from exploding from the stress.

Eden Prime was everything but a routine-mission. A text-book example of everything that could possible go wrong under a mission of great importance would be a better description.

Not only had poor Jenkins lost his life, but Nihlus as well.   
Killed by no other by Saren Arterius, another Spectre of high level.

Just to add icing on top of the cake, he was accompanied by the Geth. The freaking Geth. Damn machines that hadn’t been seen outside the Perseus Veil in almost three-hundred years.   
To add the cherry on top of the icing, the prothean beacon they had been sent to get had been destroyed thanks to Kaidan’s curiosity and the information stored inside was one out of two things.

Either it was lost forever, its contents only known by Saren.  
Or it was locked inside Commander Shepard’s head, who had saved Kaidan from being pulled by some sort of beam or field, taking the blow for him.

So now they were on their way to the Citadel, the Commander still unconscious and they were accompanied by an Ashley Williams, survivor of the slaughter on Eden Prime.  
At least something good had come out of it.

Kaidan had barely exchanged words with her, but she seemed to be a very capable woman, head-strong and resourceful.   
He had gathered enough of an impression to recommend her to Captain Anderson as a valuable asset to have on the Normandy.

For now he was pacing the med-wing, arms crossed over his chest, tossing worried glances over at the unconscious man. Some staff lieutenant he’d turn out to be so far. Not only had he managed to knock his Commander unconscious by acting like a complete rookie, but his action had left the damn beacon completely destroyed.

“You’re going to walk a hole into the floor if you keep on pacing like that, Alenko,” Chakwas spoke up, busy with monitoring Shepard’s heart and brain waves. “That or give yourself a migraine thanks to the stress. And then you will feel even worse than you already are. I don’t need two patients in the med-bay on the Normandy’s first flight and according to your files, your migraines are a beast to handle.”

“I was acting like a newbie,” Kaidan replied, sighing as he stopped his pacing and instead just stood there. “Too curious for my own damn good.”

“Comes with being an Intel-officer,” Chakwas mused, smirking some as she stood up from her desk. “Give yourself a break, lieutenant, you had no idea that it would do that or that it was even working.”

“I knew it was working, it was glowing when we got there,” Kaidan said weakly, looking over at Shepard. “… I shouldn’t have approached it.”

“You didn’t know what would happen,” Chakwas repeated, patting Kaidan on the back as she passed him on her way towards the small cooling-cabin in the back of the room. “Instead of standing there, how about you dab the Commander’s forehead? He is running a little hot according to the monitors.”

“Can do, ma’am,” Kaidan replied, walking over to the sink and rinsed out a piece of cloth. Walking over to Shepard, he carefully started dabbing his face with the cloth, pressing it against his forehead.   
He took a step back as Shepard inhaled sharply, eyes fluttering as he was slowly waking up.

“Doctor? Doctor Chakwas!” Kaidan called out, taking a step back as the woman walked over to Shepard as the Commander struggled to sit up.

“You had us worried there, Shepard,” she murmured, watching as Shepard sat up and placed a hand over his face, as if trying to gather himself. “How are you feeling?”

“Minor throbbing,” Shepard grunted out, letting his hand wipe over his face before looking up. “Nothing serious. How long was I out?”

Kaidan couldn’t help but be amazed over Shepard’s downright blunt replies, wondering how much was the truth and how much was pure stubbornness.

“About fifteen hours,” Chakwas replied, picking up a small light-pen and shone it into Shepard’s eyes, testing the reactions of his pupils. Shepard let out a small grunt and Kaidan noticed how the Commander’s hand twitched, as if aching to just slap the annoying light away.   
“Something happened down there with the beacon, I think,” she continued, ignoring the twitch, while Kaidan just felt that pang of guilt again.

“It’s my fault,” he said quickly, looking towards Shepard. “I must have triggered some kind of security-field when I approached it.” He swallowed, trying not to look like a kid who’d been caught bullying on the playground. “You had to push me out of the way.”

“You had no way to know what would happen,” Shepard replied and for a moment Kaidan could see just how tired the Commander looked, despite having been out for fifteen hours. Still, Kaidan couldn’t help the small, happy smile that tugged at his lips.   
Unless his eyes played tricks on him, he could have sworn that Shepard returned the small gesture, but it was gone as fast as it had appeared.

“Actually we don’t even know if that’s what set it off,” Chakwas interrupted, stealing Shepard’s attention. “Unfortunately we’ll never get the chance to find out.”

“The beacon exploded, a system overload maybe,” Kaidan explained when a look of confusion appeared on Shepard’s face, stepping up towards Chakwas. He felt that it was rude to talk to the back of Shepard’s head. “And the blast knocked you cold. Williams and I had to carry you back here to the ship.”

“I appreciate it,” Shepard replied and Kaidan could swear that the same, small smile returned to Shepard’s lips for just a second before it was replaced with that same, hard, professional expression. The face of a Commander.

“Physically you are fine,” Chakwas murmured as she continued to study Shepard, making sure that he was waking up alright. “But I detected some unusual brain activity, abnormal beta waves.” She stepped back from Shepard and walked over to her computer, typing something down. “I also noticed an increase in your rapid eye movement, signs typically associated with intense dreaming.”

Shepard hesitated before speaking up, frowning as if he tried to remember something. “I saw… I’m not sure what I saw. Death. Destruction.” He shook his head some. “Nothing’s really clear.”

“Hmm. I better add this to my report. It may-“ Chakwas started before straightening up as the door to the med bay opened and someone entered. “Oh, Captain Anderson.”

Kaidan immediately snapped to attention, mostly out of reflex as the Captain walked over to the trio, giving them all a look-over before his eyes finally landed on Shepard. “How’s our XO holding up, doctor?”

“All readings look normal,” Chakwas replied, nodding towards the Captain. “I’d say the Commander is going to be fine.”

“Glad to hear it,” Anderson replied, a sound of relief clear in his voice before he straightened up. “Shepard, I need to speak with you – in private,” he continued, hesitating before finishing his sentence.

Kaidan merely nodded, snapping a salute at the Captain before excusing himself from the med bay, feeling a wave of relief wash over him. 

Shepard was going to be fine.

***

After Shepard’s awakening, the ball seemed to roll pretty fast as and Kaidan wasn’t sure if he was keeping up with it anymore. Every time he thought he had a grasp of the situation, the ball just took a different turn until someone kicked it completely out of the field.

He had known about the Normandy’s trip to the Council, not at all surprised that they were required to report in with what they had found as well as what had happened. That was, as far as he knew, the plan all along, but even more important now that the mission had taken an unexpected turn.

But when they landed… now that was entirely different story.

The Citadel was a place Kaidan had only dreamt about going to and while it was a dream coming true that they were there now, it was a dream he couldn’t allow himself to enjoy as he and Williams followed Shepard towards the Seat of the Council.

It had taken a few rounds around the firsts floors of the Citadel to find their way towards the Seat, but at least they hadn’t run late.  
Anderson was already there, reporting in what had happened along with ambassador Udina. The report didn’t exactly go as any of them had hoped, Saren shooting down their accusations with ease thanks to his reputation as well as status. The lack of evidence wasn’t helping either, but Anderson set them to work by giving them possible leads to follow where they could get information. Their mission; finding dirt on Saren.

The leads were indeed fruitful as the result was more than what any one of them could have bargained for when they presented them to the Council.

Kaidan had to be honest with himself; he wasn’t that surprised when Shepard had been made the first human Spectre, though he still felt himself swell with pride on Shepard’s behalf, who looked a mix between determined and humbled. He didn’t know Shepard that well yet, save what his dossier had said, but he had a gut-feeling that the choice had been a damn good one.

Shepard was a good man.

He was a little more surprised when Shepard not only had been made Spectre, but made some new, interesting friends.

Garrus, a turian C-sec officer.  
Wrex, a krogan bounty-hunter.  
And Tali, a young quarian on her pilgrimage and also the key that had brought Saren down.   
It was thanks to her they discovered the reason for Saren’s treachery and while they had no idea what the mentioned “conduit” was, there were clues they could follow that would hopefully present them with answers. The voice of a female, identified as the asari Matriarch called Benetzia was their first clue and with the clue came a possible new ally:   
An asari archaeologist named Liara T’soni. Benetzia’s daughter.

It didn’t stop there though.

Kaidans eyebrows were all but disappearing into his hairline when Captain Anderson handed the responsibility of the Normandy to Shepard, making him “captain” of the ship before telling them that he weren’t going to join them. He was needed at the Citadel and he had too much personal stokes with Saren to be a good asset on the battle-ground.

But the mission was clear.   
Stop Saren and the Geth before Saren got his hold “the conduit”.

Now all they had to do was find him.


	12. Captain, My Captain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan bonds a little more with Shepard and Ashley!

In a way, it all seemed so simple. They had three planets to check, three planets where they could possibly find leads on Saren and the “conduit” he was chasing. 

Feros.

Noveria.

And some planet in the Artemis Tau System to find, if she was there still, Professor Liara T’Soni.

Three choices, three urgent missions.   
Like Shepard wasn’t already under a lot of stress with his new-found Spectre-status. 

Kaidan could see that the load was heavy on Shepard’s shoulders since everything had been more or less sprung on him. He was taking it in stride though, showing just how capable he was as he ordered Joker to take off. He just hadn’t decided to where yet. 

It was a tough call, one that Shepard had to think about closely. All Kaidan could do was to offer some support in the only way he knew how.

Rapping his knuckles against the hard metal door, Kaidan waited for the muffled “enter” to reach his ears before palming the electronic lock, opening it. He gave Shepard a small nod with his head before presenting his offering to him; a mug with steaming hot coffee.

“Thought you’d need it, Commander. You haven’t rested much since we left the Citadel.”

Shepard gave Kaidan a tired, but grateful smile as he grasped the mug, taking a big swig from it. He pulled a face, shaking his head while his body let out a small shudder. “Ugh, that’s terrible.”

“Yeah, sadly I cannot guaranty for the taste, sir, but my mother always told me that it’s the thought that counts.”

“If anything it has shocked my body into full alert now so I guess it’s done its job. Thank you, Lieutenant.”

Kaidan nodded his head again before placing his hands behind his back. “Permission to speak freely, sir.”

Shepard gave him a look-over, looking more surprised than anything before nodding. “Permission granted.”

“With all due respect, but… about the missions. I have been giving them some thought,” Kaidan said, choosing his words carefully. The last thing he wanted was to protest on Shepard’s decisions or show him disrespect.   
“We know that both Feros and Noveria experienced Geth-attack, which are good indications that something that is of Saren’s interest is there. Or was there. However, since we have no guarantee that whatever Saren was after is there anymore, of there was anything there at all, but we know that this Liara T’Soni is somewhere in the Atremis Tau system and, being the Matriarchs daughter, she can possibly be in danger. Also, if she does hold helpful information, it might help us find out more about what Saren was looking for at Noveria and Feros.”

Shepard nodded his head slowly as Kaidan spoke, rubbing his fingers over his chin as he looked down at his com-pads. “The thought has struck me as well. There is little we can do to chance the situation on Feros and Noveria and, according to the reports, there is nothing critical happening at Noveria. I am a bit more curious about Feros as communications seemed to stop when the Geth attacked. There might be trouble.” He sighed and pinched the bridge between his eyes. “However, there is the question of Professor T’Soni. There is a bit of a blank hole there as well since, for all we know, she can have been taken by her mother already, either voluntarily or by force.”

“Personally, I find that hole smaller than the hole when it comes to Feros, sir,” Kaidan replied, still keeping himself as professional as possible. “There are “ifs” when it comes to both situation, but locating professor T’Soni if we take into consideration which planets are under interest for archaeologists. With some luck, we can narrow it down to one of the four systems, or better.”

“Can you find that information, Alenko?”

Kaidan nodded. “Shouldn’t take me long, sir.”

“Shepard.”

Kaidan blinked his eyes, looking a bit stunned. “Pardon?”

Shepard chuckled some and let his lips tug into a small, tired smile. “Call me Shepard. Hearing everyone calling me sir or Commander at all times makes me a bit… tired. No offence, I just need a small break from it.”

“Oh…” Kaidan looked a bit dumbfounded, not quite sure how to answer that one. He could understand how Shepard could get tired off his title, especially since his title had grown even bigger in the last twenty-four hours.

In truth, he wasn’t quite sure how to act around the man. After Shepard had woken up, he had approached Kaidan again to chat, wanting to know more about what had happened on Eden Prime as well as what happened after while he was out. Kaidan had been happy to enlighten him, but professional talk had soon shifted into more casual chatter without Kaidan even noticing. Shepard had a way of making Kaidan talk and Kaidan wasn’t all that sure if he liked it. It was fine for the time being since there was nothing personal, not really.  
Either way, it seemed like Shepard was just as updated about him as Kaidan was about Shepard, which was not surprising. What were surprising were the questions Shepard asked him. Nothing personal, but things that were viewed as unimportant in the grand scheme of things. In turn, Kaidan had learned a few things about Shepard as well, like how easy it was to talk to him. He was down to earth and he clearly had his crews’ best interest in mind, taking his time in talking to each and every one of them to make sure that they had settled.

When he’d brought Garrus, Tali and Wrex on board, Ashley and Presley had protested, but it took Shepard less than ten minutes with each of them to make sure that their guests were behaving.  
Kaidan wasn’t that worried; he had never minded aliens. Like he told Shepard when he’d asked, in his eyes, aliens were like any other person; a saint or an asshole. It didn’t matter what package it came in.

“Earth to Alenko. Do you copy?”

“Huh?” Kaidan jerked his head slightly and gave Shepard what he felt was an extremely dorky look. “… I am sorry, Co-... Shepard. I just…”

Shepard gave Kaidan a downright cheeky grin as he leaned back into his chair. “My name so nice that it sends you daydreaming, Lieutenant? I knew you were a romantic, but this bad..?”

Kaidan just hoped his blush wasn’t as bad as he felt as he cracked a small, sheepish smile at Shepard. “Sorry, Shepard, but… Yeah, you know me. Been serving for a long time and old habits die hard.”

“You’re a by-the-book kind of guy, Alenko. Nothing bad about that.”

“Certainly hope not. I think for myself as well, of course, but… Yeah. Doing what is right is very important to me. Integrity.”

“I know, and I appreciate that about you,” Shepard said, his grin turning warmer. “I know that if I come to you, you will give it to me straight. No beating around the bush.”

“I believe in the truth, Shepard,” Kaidan said, rubbing his hand over the back of his neck, fingertips pressing against the scar hidden just underneath the thick hair there. “Beating around the bush, it… I don’t know, I feel it rarely goes well. If you just say it as it is, then the result is usually better, in my experience. Of course, there is a time and a place for everything, exceptions to every rule.”

“Words of experience, Kaidan?”

‘Yes and no,’ Kaidan though, but ended up shrugging with his shoulders instead. While Shepard knew about some of Kaidan’s old experiences, especially his views on his own biotic abilities as well as BaAT, he hadn’t told him everything from during and after Brain-camp.   
That was way too personal, at least from where he was standing right now. And as nice as Shepard was, he was his Commander. His boss. 

Shepard just gave him that crocked smile though before reaching out to pat Kaidan’s arm. “Run those scans so we can start searching for professor T’Soni, will you? If you don’t find anything by the time we hit the Mass Relay, we will be going to the Attican Beta system so we can help the colony on Feros.”

“Yes, Commander.” Out of habit, Kaidan snapped a quick salute at Shepard before turning to leave the cabin, though he felt his cheeks go red as he heard Shepard chuckle and murmur a stop “I wish you’d stop doing that,” under his breath.

Walking over to his dedicated station, Kaidan gave his ever-faulty monitor a small kick, then sighed and crouched down so he could fiddle with the wires enough to get it to work.

“You know, LT, you can ask the Commander for a new monitor. One that actually works.”

Looking up, Kaidan found himself almost face to face with Ashley, who was leaning at his monitor from behind and wearing a cheeky grin.

“A faulty monitor is not exactly first priority,” he mumbled, wondering how Ashley was able to just… Be so relaxed. They hadn’t known each other for that long and while he liked the woman, he just wasn’t able to relax around her. “And it takes me one minute to fix it so it’s no big deal.”

“One minute you have to use every time your monitor goes into standby. Seriously, you should just ask to have it replaced the next time we go to the Citadel. Or heck, any colony that has a decent repair-shop.”

“I can fill in a form later; it’s not important right now. The Commander has enough on his mind without worrying about replacing my monitor. Besides, I can fix it myself.”   
Or normally he would since he knew exactly what was wrong with it, but it seemed like no matter what he did, the monitor was resisting his skills. He was almost considering taking it out for dinner and a show if it would prevent it from acting like a damn primadonna.

“You’re just saying that because you know that the Commander actually will do it.” Ashley smirked some as she glanced over towards Shepard’s cabin. “I like that about him, though. He takes his time to make sure everything and everyone is okay.”

“The Commander is good like that,” Kaidan replied, jamming the wire up into the monitor, watching as the screen flickered for a moment before coming to life. “He knows that our mission will be a straining one. He wants to make sure we are all set and dedicated.”

“Or maybe he does it because he simply gives a damn?”

Kaidan just gave Ashley a look, one eyebrow raised, before he started with his task. “You sound like you’re sweet on him, Chief.”

“He’s a looker, I will give him that. But then again, so are you. Except you never smile, LT,” Ashley teased, punching Kaidan lightly in the shoulder. “You should smile some more, Kaidan. Turn that frown up-side down. Or do you wear it to keep the ladies out of the way?”

“Let’s go for that one, shall we?” Kaidan said, feeling no desire to tell Ashley how socially awkward he was. He was pretty sure she already knew anyway.

“You know, next time we’re at the Citadel, I’m taking you out to Chora’s Den. My treat. You said you liked the dancers there. Maybe that will make you grin.”

“More likely to give me a splitting head-ache, but thank you for having my libido on your mind, Ashley. And really, only an idiot would deny that the Asari dancers are not nice to look at. It’s their job, they know they are lovely.”

“So proper, Kaidan.”

“Making my mother real proud too.”

Ashley merely grinned again before reaching over to pinch Kaidan’s cheek, giving it a good, little tug. “You’re a real cutie-pie, Kaidan. Makes me want to wrap you up and hide you away so nobody can steal you away from us.”

“Can you let go of my cheek, Ashley? It kind of hurts…”

The Gunnery Chief merely chuckled before releasing Kaidan’s cheek, who brought his hand up to it and rubbed it, giving Ashley another look. Ashley merely smiled at him. “I mean it though, LT. Smiling once in a while won’t make your face crack. You might find that you like it.”

“I’ll smile once we’ve stopped Saren.”

“Oh, I am so taking a picture of that or nobody will ever believe me!”

Kaidan just smirked before giving Ashley a small, biotic push, making her stumble. “As you were, Williams,” he said with a small grin, the blue biotics swirling in his eyes before they dispatched, once again turning warm and brown. “I got a job to do.”

Ashley just waved her hand at him as she walked towards the mess-hall. “I’ll bring you back some grub, LT. And no forgetting to eat it.”

“I won’t,” Kaidan called back as his fingers started flying over the monitor. Time to see if he couldn’t make Shepard’s job just a little bit easier.


	13. Scars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Shepard and Kaidan bond. A lot.

All things considered, the mission was going well. Or as well as one could expect since they had little to nothing to go by.   
They hadn’t caught Saren yet and, as Wrex was so lovely putting it, they were more or less sniffing the farts the turian left behind as they reached Therum, then later Feros.   
While Therum had been intense, especially with the rescue of Liara T’Soni, only they had been at risk.   
Feros, however, had been a… interesting challenge. Especially when they discovered the Thorian and the downright possessed colonists, but, thanks to Shepard’s brilliant leadership, nobody had died. He had settled arguments with a finesse Kaidan had never witnessed, used the limited supplies in the most efficient way possible and somehow still found time to do small favours for the people on the planet. Kaidan had no idea how he’d done it, but there it was. No casualties and injuries were at the minimum. By the time they were done, the colony was back online, power supply and water running. They had chosen to kill the Thorian because of its dangerous ability, but the intel and information they had gained in return were valuable. Especially from an Asari trapped by the Thorian, given to it by Saren in return for intel. Intel that the Asari had given Shepard. A Cipher, she had called it, to unlock the mysterious images in Shepard’s head.

Hearing about Shepard’s great accomplishments were one thing, but seeing them for himself… Kaidan could understand, now better than before, why Shepard had been picked out both for the N7 plan and as the human Spectre. 

Still, he could see a frustration growing in the man and while the Commander didn’t voice it, Kaidan was willing to guess what it was.   
It was the knowledge that they had once again been too late. The insecurity of “if I had gone here first, then maybe”. Kaidan knew all about ‘maybe’s and ‘perhaps’es. He also knew that Shepard did what he could with the knowledge he had and quite frankly, it couldn’t have turned out any better. While they might, -might-, have had a shot at catching Saren at Feros, they would have lost Liara to the Geth and mercenaries. As it was now, they had Liara safely with them and they had more intel than before, and honestly… Kaidan would have been surprised if they had managed to catch Saren this quick and still make it back to the latest episode of “Not Without my Vorcha” on GN.

While they hadn’t managed to get much closer to finding out what the “Conduit” was, the rescue of Professor Liara T’Soni was proving to be more valuable than first thought. Not only was she happy to join them, she also turned out to be a Prothean expert and, with Shepard’s permission, was able to use her race’s own natural talents and biotics to mind-melt with the Commander in an attempt to make sense of the images in Shepard’s head.

They didn’t make much sense of it the first time they had done it, but a bit more came to the surface after their trip to Feros. Still, they had more leads to follow and Liara was more than willing to help them.

Liara, as it turned out, was incredibly sweet, young woman and was very willing to teach Kaidan more about biotics from an Asari point of view. While he had been around Asari biotics before, even been complimented by them, they hadn’t attempted to teach him anything new (or old for that matter).  
So when Kaidan had a moment off and Liara wasn’t busy with her own research, they would spend time together, meditating or just talking. After becoming her student, so to speak, Kaidan found that his migraines, while still intensive, were a little less frequent than before. Thanks to some simple techniques he was able to kill them before they blossomed into something he couldn’t handle, and anything that could help him take less pain-medication was a blessing.

He was still reluctant to use his abilities on the field, at least in an offensive way, but he found that it was easier for him to use his abilities in a defensive matter.

There also was that childish side of him that thought that it was a lot of fun, watching the enemy fly off into the air. He just had to tell himself that it was Geth, not people he was sending off.  
Boys would always be boys, he supposed.

As they turned the Normandy towards Noveria, after a quick pit-stop at the Citadel, Kaidan had also gotten the chance to get to know the rest of the crew better as well. While still not the first they came to to crack a joke, unless it was a bet going on to make him smile, they approached him more easily than before after realising that no, he was not hostile. He was simply private.

Personally he called himself awkward, but Liara insisted that -she- was awkward. In comparison, Kaidan was simply a private person. Guarded. Controlled.  
It did sound nicer than socially awkward so he rolled with it.

Despite Shepard’s best-laid plans, he was often called back to the Citadel to gather more intel and, because he was such a nice guy, help other people. This in turn meant downtime for the crew.  
It was nice though, being included in people’s plans, even if he often declined, depending on what they were doing. 

He had joined Ashley, Shepard and Garrus to Chora’s Den and Flux for drinks from time to time. There they had learned many things about one another such as Kaidan’s ability to dance, Shepard’s inability to dance (he still wasn’t welcome to Flux after he hit one lady over the head with his arm), and just how many drinks it took to get Ashley drunk.   
Garrus was either cheating or just unable to get drunk by the looks of it because he was usually the one supporting Ashley back to the ship before coming back for Shepard. It depended if Kaidan was there or not because, as Garrus at least claimed, “coming back for a clingy, singing lush of a man makes me look bad”. Shepard had never been clingy or singing when he and Kaidan had gone back to the Normandy, but he had cracked a lot of jokes and liked to touch Kaidan’s hair.

Tilting his head to the side, Kaidan rubbed his neck with his left hand, attempting to work out the tension that was building there. The bright timer on his console told him that he’d finished his shift and he was only too happy to get out of there, grab a cup of coffee and just breathe for a moment before taking a shower and hopping to bed.  
The ship was silent, only couple of handful of soldiers up and working as they moved towards Noveria. In a few hours, they would be there.

Wandering over to the star-observation room, cup of steaming coffee in his hand, Kaidan looked forward to unwind for a moment. So when he opened the door and saw Shepard there, leaning against the window, he let out a small cough in surprise.

“Commander. I am sorry, I didn’t know you were here.”

Shepard turned his head and gave Kaidan a small, crooked smile. “At ease, Kaidan. You’re off duty, right, so no need to call me Commander? Besides, this room is for everyone, I don’t have dibs.”

“Sorry, it’s habit,” Kaidan replied, giving Shepard a small smile as he walked up to him, looking through the large window. It seemed so peaceful out there. Tranquil. Almost made Kaidan forget that they were chasing a rouge Spectre that had a league of Geth with him, hunting for only God-knew-what.

“Might become a bad one, one day,” Shepard murmured, one arm resting against the window. Kaidan snuck a glance over at him and he could see the tension in his shoulders. The way he was standing, the tightness in the Commander’s jaw.

“Says you,” Kaidan murmured, smirking some as he looked away. “I am surprised you managed to tear yourself away from the console at all.”

“Your fault for lecturing me about cutting corners,” Shepard mused, though there was no ill tone behind the words. “Keeping track of all my loose ends is hard work.”

“At least I am still keeping the deck dry from my little black raincloud,” Kaidan replied, making Shepard chuckle and shake his head.   
The chuckle in turn made Kaidan smile. It was a small sign that the Commander was still hanging in there, still able to be entertained. With the increasing burden on his shoulder, it was a miracle that he hadn’t simply collapsed yet.

“You did well on Feros, Kaidan.”

“Hmm?” Snapping out of his thoughts, Kaidan glanced back at Shepard.

“You did well,” Shepard repeated, smiling some at Kaidan. “On Feros. Both you and Garrus were, but especially you. Garrus already knows he’s good so I won’t feed his ego with more compliments. His head is already getting too big for this ship,” he added, the smile turning more lopsided as it transformed into a grin.   
“But I will feed you because you can take it. You were resourceful. Gave good insight and handled the mind-controlled colonists with integrity.”

Kaidan smiled some and looked down, wondering of the heat in his ears were visible to Shepard. “Thank you. I was just doing my job, Shepard. Following your example.”

“You were able to think for yourself, Kaidan. Do what you knew was right. Acting with-”

“-integrity, huh?” Kaidan finished, giving Shepard a smirk. “You’ve just waited for an excuse to say that in a nice way, haven’t you?”

Shepard chuckled, flashing Kaidan a lopsided grin. “It’s that easy to see through me, huh?”

“Only because we’ve spent time together, Shepard,” Kaidan murmured as he walked over towards the couch, taking a seat. He smiled as he saw that Shepard followed him, sitting down next to him, twisting his body enough so he could lean his arm against the back of the couch and still face Kaidan.  
“Which I do appreciate, by the way. The talks.”

Shepard tilted his head some, letting out a small hum that Kaidan had learned was Shepard’s own sound of agreement.  
“I like talking to you, Kaidan. You’re a bright guy. Smart. You know your things, both off and on the records. You’ve seen enough to know how things are handled. In fact, I am amazed that you’re not higher up in rank.”

“I’m too careful,” Kaidan replied, finishing the last of the black sludge that was supposed to be coffee before playing with the plastic cup. “Thinking things through, very sceptical about breaking rules. You know. Integrity.”

Shepard just smiled at him. “Integrity doesn’t necessarily mean to follow the rules. It means doing what is right. When it comes to the book and when it comes to your own gut.” He leaned in and gave Kaidan’s shoulder a small nudge with his fist. “You are in perfect control of yourself. Maybe you shouldn’t be afraid of loosing control every once in a while.”

“A biotic has to be in control or-“

“You’re not a fifteen year old kid who’s been terrorised and harassed anymore,” Shepard replied, not letting Kaidan finish that sentence. “And I don’t mean that in a condescending way. God knows I am not looking down at you in any way. What I mean is… You have obviously taken what happened at Brain-Camp to heart, Kaidan. You’ve learned from it and you have grown.”

Kaidan let out a small sigh, looking away from Shepard, towards the large window. “It’s… More than just that, Shepard,” he murmured. He bit his lip, thought about it for a moment before glancing back towards Shepard. “… Off the record?”

Shepard nodded, scooting a little closer so he could hear Kaidan’s low voice better. “Talk to me, Kaidan.”

“Remember what I told you about Rahna? Conatix Industries, how they just showed up and grabbed you? About Vyrnnus?”

Shepard nodded, though kept quiet, wanting for Kaidan to do all the talking.  
So he did.

“Well… What I told you was the… Abridged version, so to speak. Removed all the… well. Unpleasant details.” It wasn’t that Kaidan was against the memories. It was part of him after all, he had grown from it. Learned. But it was something special about sharing the memories, especially with someone like Shepard.

Especially with -Shepard- in general.

“Like I told you, Vyrnnus… Was an asshole. Ex-military, tough to the bone. And he hated me for speaking up against him.”

“Go on.”

Kaidan hesitated for a split-second before he continued. “It’s burned into my mind, even after all this time. And it’s kind of… I dunno, I sometimes use it as a reminder of just how dangerous lack of control can be.” 

“I don’t see you snapping very easily. What happened, Kaidan?” The question was genuine. Not out of curiosity, but out of really wanting to know. It made Kaidan happy, but it also confused him. He sighed some. 

“He hurt Rahna. Broke her arm. She reached for a glass of water instead of pulling it biotically. She just wanted a drink without getting a nosebleed, you know? Like an idiot, I stood up. Didn’t know what I was gonna do, just… Something. And Vyrnnus lost it. Beat the crap out of me, and kept shouting that they should have bombed us back to the stone-age.” Kaidan’s lips tugged up into a small, bitter smile as he turned to look at Shepard. “That’s when a knife came up. A military issue Talon, right in my face. I cut loose, full biotic kick right in the teeth, almost as strong as I can manage now. And that’s something when you’re seventeen.”

Shepard frowned some before reaching out, one finger pressing against a very thin, white line marking the left side of Kaidan’s mouth. “Is this from..?”

Kaidan nodded, waiting until Shepard had removed the finger before speaking again. “Yeah. The knife in itself was enough to scare me, but… I remember being more angry than I was afraid. Because I was still set on defending Rahna. So yeah… I kicked him. A full biotic kick from a hyped of and angry teen-ager that was fuelled on fear, anger and Red Sand.”

“You wanted to help a girl you cared for. That’s a noble thing.”

“Maybe my intentions were nobody, but I… I lost control. I killed him, Shepard. Snapped his neck. They probably could have saved him if they’d gotten him to an infirmary quick enough, but they didn’t. Caused a stir when they shipped him home, BaAT training was shut down. Conatix folded a couple of years later.” He let out a small chuckle. “It’s funny… I’m not sure which one of us got the worse of what happened.”

If Shepard was surprised, he didn’t show it. He merely nodded as he continued to watch Kaidan, studying him in silence.  
While it was in his records, Kaidan had never openly acknowledged his experiences with Red Sand. It was a drug after all, no matter if it was legal on some planets. Besides, he hadn’t touched the stuff in years and had no desire to ever do so again.

“Was Rahna alright?”

The question took Kaidan off guard and it made him look away. That… Was the hard part of his memories. While the feelings he had had for the girl was gone… The memories of their last moment still hurt.  
“Rahna, yeah… Yeah, she was fine. We never really… We stopped talking after that.”

“Tell me what happened, Kaidan.”

A small smile graced Kaidan’s lips, but it was a sad one, not reaching his eyes. “Rahna had a gentle heart. She loved everyone. Vyrnnus terrified her, we all protected her from him. Everyone. And everyone loved her. But after what I did to him… She was terrified of me too.”

“That’s harsh.”

“Yeah, maybe. But I can’t blame her, not really. If I’d seen myself, I’d probably be scared of me too. Hell, for a long time, I was. But… That’s ancient history.”

“I’d like to hear it one day. When you want to share it.”

There it was again… That thing Shepard did that made Kaidan wonder where in the world he was.

Battle-field flirting among soldiers was not uncommon. Hell, it was a way to pass time, get a few laughs and a smile, even for someone as awkward as Kaidan felt.   
But Shepard… Yeah, he battle-field flirted with just about everyone, even Wrex. But when he did it with Kaidan, he could swear that it was different somehow. More… Sincere. And his own flirting towards Shepard… It felt more real than just that light teasing.  
And it confused the ever-living hell out of him.

Yes, there he was. Sitting on a couch with Shepard, finger trailing around the rim of his empty mug, Shepard sitting even closer, their arms touching and Shepard giving him this look. Those lips tugged into that downright goofy smile of his, though a softer version of it.

He wasn’t sure, but somewhere on their mission, Kaidan had stopped seeing the hero in Shepard. He was fully aware that the hero was there; it couldn’t, and wasn’t supposed to be forgotten or ignored. But the more time he spent with Shepard, the more he started seeing the man in him. Seeing what made the Commander tick.  
And quite frankly, he liked what he was seeing.

“I’ll trade you,” Shepard suddenly said, his hand shifting a little, just enough so that his thumb was slowly caressing over Kaidan’s arm. “A story for a story.”

Now it was Kaidan’s turn to look interested, the sad look on his face wiped away. “Okay, I’ll bite. Give it to me.”

Shepard smirked some before bending his head some, pointing to the small, clean line that went from the left side of his forehead, into and past his hairline and into the clean-cut hair. “See that scar?”

Kaidan nodded, shifting some so he could look at Shepard more comfortably. “Yup.”

“I got it when I was still with the Reds, back on earth,” Shepard started while Kaidan nodded again. He knew about Shepard’s days on the street, both from private conversations between the two of them and because he had been there when one of Shepard’s old street-gang members had approached them. He had tried to threaten Shepard with spilling the truth about where Shepard came from, something Shepard had taken it in stride. He hadn’t even bashed an eyelid as he dealt with the man, not being the least bit threatened by him. 

Kaidan did admire the way the situation was handled; calmly and with words. Not a punch had been needed.

“It was a… Well. Mission gone wrong. We were trying to break into the hide-out of this other gang that was up to no good. So we could steal their supplies, spread it amongst ourselves, yeah?”  
Shepard smiled some, looking a little embarrassed for a moment. “So we managed to break in and we were standing on their turf, hands down into their supply-boxes, ready to high-tail out of there, when the gang comes back. They weren’t exactly the Blue Suns and the Reds… Well. We were a bunch of street-punks. We had the attitude, but many a times our barks were worse than our bites, but we knew how to fight.”

Kaidan chuckled some, smiling at Shepard as he listened. “I am sorry, I am just trying to picture you as a street-punk,” he mused.

“It’s not hard,” Shepard replied, smirking back at Kaidan. “Just picture me a lot thinner and a lot… Meaner, I guess. The army straightened me out.”  
The smile on the Commander’s lips was a soft one, one of gratitude, and Kaidan could tell that Shepard really did appreciate the opportunities the army had given him. Not every street-urchin got that chance.

“Anyway, so the street-gang came back and were we in their storage room, basically cornered,” Shepard continued, making Kaidan blink his eyes as he realised he had not listened to the first half of Shepard’s sentence, having been too caught up in… Well. Shepard’s lips. He had watched them move, but he hadn’t heard the words. That was… odd. For him. He always listened, that was his thing.  
“So we were running, they were shooting and I was too busy watching my ass so I completely forgot to watch my front. Anyway, long story short, I was following the others and I was going to dive through an empty window, but ended up banging my head against the frame. Cut my head bad enough to give me a concussion and I was bleeding. And since we didn’t have much medigel, it scarred.”

“That’s… Anti-climatic,” Kaidan chuckled, grinning at Shepard. “No heroic battle-scar from the Blitz? Or from a shoot-down?”

“Nope. I was defeated by an open window. I had to be carried back to the Red’s base.”

“That’s… Oh, wow.” Kaidan closed his eyes as he pictured the Commander as a kid being carried away from danger and the image he got made him laugh. He shook his head as he buried his face into his own elbow, leaning against the back of the couch. “That is… Wow.” It was so silly and yet he had no problems actually picturing it.

Only twenty seconds or so passed as Kaidan continued to amuse himself with his mental image, but it felt like so much longer. Especially when he suddenly felt Shepard’s hand touching his arm, knuckles gently stroking up and down over his own bare arm.  
“You should laugh more often, Kaidan,” Shepard murmured and the softness to the voice made Kaidan look up. He looked at the hand touching his, which made Shepard stop the caress. Then he looked up at Shepard himself, watching that gentle expression. 

Warm, gentle and very blue eyes watching him, taking in every little movement that Kaidan did.  
A soft-looking mouth curled up into a warm, gentle smile.  
Battle-worn fingers, fingers that belonged on strong hands that Kaidan knew could cause harm, now caressing his arm slowly.

This wasn’t battle-field flirting anymore.

But exactly what it was..? Kaidan had no idea.  
All he did now was the way his heart was hammering in his chest. The way his ears burned. The way he was completely unable to break eye-contact with Shepard.

“Hey, Commander, Anderson’s on the com! He needs a quick word with you before we actually land on Noveria!”

The way he utterly wanted to beat Ashley into a pulp as she came into the Star Observation Room, ruining whatever had happened before Kaidan had been given a chance to understand it himself.

The fingers and the Commander was gone with a quick “Thank you, Ash, I appreciate it,” Shepard already halfway out the door by the time Kaidan had gathered his wits about him again.  
He did however catch it as Shepard stopped for a moment and sent a glance towards Kaidan, that soft smile still on his lips, accompanied with a nod of his head. Then Shepard was gone, leaving Kaidan feeling more confused than before.

“Yo, LT, you okay?” Ashley asked, dumping down next to Kaidan on the couch, letting her arm fall over the back of the couch. She tilted her head and just studied the biotic.

“Yeah, I’m good,” Kaidan answered after a moment, shaking his head some to clear his mind. “Just… got a lot on my mind, I guess.”

“Sheesh. Do you never relax, Kaidan? You’ve going to go grey-haired before you’re forty at this rate.”

Almost as if he had to check, Kaidan’s hand went for his head, running his fingers through the styled hair before it dropped again. “Yeah, I… I know, Ash, I know. I just… I dunno.”

Ashley smiled some and let her other arm rest over the arm resting on the back of the couch, and then leaned forward to rest her chin on top of it. “… You know, you really are cute when you’re not getting it.”

“What do you mean?”

A chuckle escaped the gunnery chief. “You and the Commander, LT. You’re so sweet on him that it’s not even funny. It’s enough sugar coming from the two of you that it’s giving me cavities.”

Kaidan let out a snort, but he couldn’t stop the sudden burn that flared up on his cheeks, and worse part was that he had no idea why they were burning. He wasn’t sweet on Shepard, he was his Commander for crying loud! His superior officer and a Spectre to boot.

And apparently he had said that out loud because Ashley just started laughing at him.  
“What? What’s so funny?”

“Oh, Kaidan,” Ashley hiccupped, drying away a tear from her right eye as she tried to calm her laughter down. “Sometimes you’re acting like everyone’s dad, watching and taking care of everyone, and in the next you’re like this teenager who’s experiencing his first crush. It’s downright adorable.”  
She flashed the biotic a smile and reached out to place a hand on his arm, squeezing it. “And really, Kaidan… You may not see it yourself and he may not see it, but… It’s there. And for once… Live a little. Forget his title and his rank. Just think about the man, yeah?”

“I do think about the man, Ash. I know he’s human, just like you and me.”

“I know, Kaidan, but you are using his title and rank to shield yourself from a rather serious case of the flutters. And I say forget it. Embrace the flutters, I think you will find them rewarding in the end.”

Kaidan frowned some, shaking his head as he got up from the couch. “Even if that was true, Ash, and I mean –if-, we couldn’t. We’re on a mission and we cannot be afforded to be distracted from it. Not when it’s this important. Battle-field flirting is one thing, that’s okay, but fraternization..? No. No way.”

Ashley sighed and used her foot to kick Kaidan’s ass, making him yelp in surprise before rubbing it. “Really, LT. I am going to find a damn rulebook and I am going to hit you over the head with it one day.”  
Then her expression softened as she just looked at Kaidan, and Kaidan couldn’t help but look away. He was getting a little fed up with being the centre of people’s attention today. “Ash…”

“Kaidan,” she repeated before getting up, placing her hands on his shoulder and leaned up to rest her chin on her hands, head tilting against Kaidan’s. “There’s nothing wrong with falling for someone. And I can totally relate falling for the Commander. He’s quite the guy. And really, I can’t think of anyone who deserves a little more reason to smile than the two of you. Just live a little, LT. Being in the army doesn’t mean you should be dead emotionally.”

“Ash…”  
For a moment he wondered how much Ashley knew about his past. Then he figured she knew as much as anyone else. His past wasn’t a secret and they had shared a few belts on the Citadel, just talking, from time to time.  
At least before Ashley got completely sloshed. 

“Turn the frown upside down, eh? You’re an honest guy. All you have to do is to be a little honest with yourself, okay?”  
Then she left with a kiss to Kaidan’s ear and a pinch to his rear, giving him one of her shit-eating grins before vanishing through the still open door.

Kaidan touched the spot she had kissed, just trying to feel if she had left something behind. Like a secret answer, a way to clear up his head, anything. In reality, he couldn’t even feel the warmth from her lips, the warm kiss having vanished and melted with his own warm skin, merging and becoming a part of him.

Unlike the touch from Shepard’s fingers. He could still feel that, the motion of the roughened fingers brushing over his skin. If he closed his eyes, he could swear that Shepard was there, caressing his arm.

“Be a little honest with myself, huh?” he murmured quietly, turning his head to look through the large window, watching the stars as they passed them. 

That was easier said than done, really.

But… It couldn’t hurt trying.   
Could it?


	14. Cold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan discovers that he should have worn that extra sweater.

It was downright embarrassing.  
Kaidan hadn’t been sick since he was a child, not counting his health after BaAT, and yet here he was, coughing and sneezing, running a fever like a furnace, and all because of their mission at Noveria.

His mom really had been right. He should have put on a sweater underneath his under-suit no matter how uncomfortable he would have been.  
He really was the shame of the people in Vancouver, he should be used to the cold. Resilient to it. He had grown up in the worse snowstorms Vancouver could dish out, shrugging it off like it was a summer-breeze.

He guessed there were some things he just couldn’t protect himself from. The natural “heating system” in his body from his biotics may have kept him warm, but not even his best biotic shield could protect him from the invisible mini-terrorists that were currently creating havoc in his own system.

The biotic was stubborn though and a little snot hadn’t stopped him before. So when his alarm-clock started howling for him to get up, he got up. It went slowly, but he got up. He felt dizzy, but he wasn’t about to just lie down and admit defeat. He was an Alliance soldier, the pride of the fleet!

Getting dressed went as slowly as getting up did and he almost fell over trying to get his boots on, but he managed. He grimaced when he saw the flushed face in the mirror while fixing his hair, hoping it wasn’t as red as he thought it was.

Flushing down a pill for his slowly emerging migraines and one for his fever with some water, and Kaidan saw himself as good to go, walking towards the mess-hall for a cup with coffee. Terrible taste or not, he felt he really needed it that morning so he could jump-start his system. He did have to start his shift after all, there was plenty of intel from Noveria he needed to chew his way through.

That’s when things started getting a bit fuzzier for him.

He could barely remember Ash patting him on the shoulder and saying “looking like shit there, LT,” as well as Garrus commenting on the interesting new shade of pale on his face. “I already was under the impression that your skin-tone was unusual for a human, but you look even paler now. Is it some sort of chemical reacting to something?”

Kaidan had merely blamed it on the slug they called coffee before heading to his work-station.

He could remember turning on his terminal, wincing as the sharp light made his eyes hurt for a moment before they adjusted.   
He could remember that he’d doubled over to try and mask his coughing to the best of his abilities so the people passing him wouldn’t stare too much.  
He could not remember sagging over in his chair, breathing hard as his fever slowly climbed upwards, leaving him exhausted and barely awake to register the voices that suddenly appeared around him along with blurry shapes and shadows entering his vision before everything simply went black.

***

Kaidan wasn’t sure how much time had passed when he woke up again or why his chair was suddenly so very soft.   
He let out a small trembling gasp as he felt something cold and wet against his face, breathing in sharply while opening his eyes.

“Easy, Kaidan. ‘s just me.”

“C-commander..?”

Even with his vision slightly fussy, having not yet adjusted to the dim lights, he could recognise his Commander’s blurry form.

“That is my rank, yes, last time I checked.” He could hear the amused tone in Shepard’s voice as the cold and wet cloth stroked over his forehead, dabbing away the sweat forming there.

He wanted to protest, but all he could muster out when opening his lips was coughing. Badly at that.

“Steady now, Kaidan. Here, have some water.”

A straw was placed on his lips and Kaidan happily drank, trying to get rid of that itch that seemed to have festered inside his throat.

“There you go, don’t choke now.”

When the straw was removed, Kaidan let out a small cough before his breathing settled back to normal, save from the wheezing that seemed to come from his throat. “I’m sorry, Commander.”

“Don’t be silly, Kaidan.” Shepard smiled as he settled back onto his chair, just watching the biotic. “You didn’t exactly ask to turn sick. It happens to the best of us.”

“It shouldn’t have happened in the first place,” Kaidan rasped out, and then coughed as the itching started up again.   
Shepard merely smiled though and offered Kaidan more water.

“Some things just can’t be controlled, Kaidan. Even though we wish we could control it.”

Kaidan just let out a grunt at that, drinking his fill before settling back down against his pillow.  
“You don’t have to sit here, Commander,” he said after a while, not looking at Shepard because he was feeling so god damned embarrassed. “I won’t run away from the bed. …doubt I would get far anyway.”

“It’s okay, I got an hour to kill before my next shift,” Shepard mused, making Kaidan smirk just a little bit.  
“Though in all honesty, I wanted to make sure that you were okay. Apparently you went down rather fast.”

“I’m very top-heavy,” Kaidan replied, making Shepard chuckle. “Big implants and all that.”

“I’m not surprised. Unlike many Alliance soldiers, your head’s not exactly filled with hot air.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment, sir,” Kaidan rasped, then blinked as Shepard shifted, leaning over to brush a curl away from Kaidan’s sweaty forehead.

“You gave us a scare there, Kaidan. Gave me a scare. I had to make sure that you were okay.”

If Kaidan’s face wasn’t already red from fever, he was sure he would have blushed. “It’s just a cold, Shepard,” he murmured, trying to smile some.

“Yes, but we didn’t know that when you went down. You didn’t tell anyone that you were feeling under the weather. Hell, for all I knew, it could have been your implants acting up. Garrus sends his best too, he feels a bit guilty that he didn’t notice you being sick.”

Kaidan let out a mix between a chuckle and a cough. “Mm… He’s not exactly an expert on the human anatomy or physiology, is he,” he murmured. “But tell him thanks anyway.”

“I’ll make sure to do that,” Shepard mused, giving Kaidan a smile that made the biotics' heart skip a beat. “In a cool fashion of course. We’re men, we’re not supposed to care and all that.”

“Manly men in a manly place,” Kaidan agreed with a cough, though flashed Shepard a tired grin.

“Exactly,” Shepard smirked as he got up from the chair, leaning over Kaidan as he pressed the underside of his arm against Kaidan’s forehead to check his temperature.   
“Try getting some rest, okay? Ashley’s already having some chicken soup whipped up for you. Or… Well. Pinch your nose, close your eyes and pretend its chicken soup, I don’t trust the labels on those damn powder-packs. I’ll drop by later with some cough-syrup from Chakwas as well as something for the fever.”

“You really don’t have to,” Kaidan protested weakly, but Shepard just gave Kaidan that small, warm smile of his. The one he showed all too rarely in Kaidan’s mind.

“I know I don’t have to. But I want to. Just focus on getting better, okay? I suspect we will be dry-docked for a couple of days once we hit the Citadel so you don’t have to worry about missing work. There will be enough waiting for you when you get better.”

“I am already looking forward to it,” Kaidan murmured, trying to smile, but he was feeling his energy rapidly vanishing.

Seeing how tired the lieutenant was, Shepard seemed to not wanting to steal more of his energy as he straightened up. “I’ll let you get some shut-eye. Seem like you need it.”

Kaidan just let out a small grunt as he slowly started to drift off, barely able to keep himself awake enough to know that Shepard was there.

As he closed his eyes, he could have sworn he felt Shepard’s hand on his forehead for a moment before it was stroking against his cheek in an almost tenderly fashion, almost like that time in the Star Observation room.  
It lingered for a second or two before he heard Shepard pull away, his footsteps slowly moving away from his bed and towards what he guessed was the door.

“Rest well, Kaidan.”

Then the door slid open, followed by a few more steps and the sound of the door closing again, leaving Kaidan in the semi-darkness and silence.

“… Thank you, Shepard.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the slow updates all. I'm working on my batchelor degree and school is kind of whipping my ass rather roughly. Add a somewhat difficult time and you get a slow writer. X.x
> 
> I am trying to take my time with my work, not wanting for my mood to reflect on the chapters so hopefully you enjoyed this one as much as you did the others, even if it is a little shorter.  
> Hopefully I will have a long one for you soon!


	15. Warmth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Shepard and Kaidan finally starts acknowledging things.

Kaidan had never been one for parties, especially not when he was still recovering from his cold.

Chakwas had found it downright funny that he’d been that knocked out by a simple cold, describing it as a “man-cold”, which Kaidan didn’t quite get. A cold was a cold, right, no matter who it happened to blossom in.

Still, it was nice to get the offer and he had to admit that the pout on Ashley’s face had been a cute one when he said no.  
“I’ll make it up to you when we are done at Virmire. I promise.”

“I’ll hold you to that, LT,” she had grinned before tugging Tali and Shepard along with her.

The Normandy was surprisingly silent every time the crew got shore-leave, and Kaidan was enjoying it to the max. Rumours had it that their next mission on Virmire would be a big one so this was probably the last chance people would have to blow off some steam.  
Or do like Kaidan and just enjoy the peace and quiet.

Armed with a book, an actually paper-back book and a cup with tea, Kaidan retreated to the star observation-room for some serious R&R rest and relaxation.  
There was nothing more soothing, he found, than sitting in the slightly darkened room, with the stars behind you, watching the ships move past the large window. Maybe not the most exciting thing, but it did miracles on a tired soldier’s mind.

He had no idea how much time had passed when he heard the first noises of people returning from their shore-leave. A quick look at his omnitool told him that it was close to midnight, so he guessed it was the people who had the first shifts that were returning.

However, he didn’t expect Commander John Shepard to enter the Star Observation room, a slight flush on his cheeks and a happy smile on his lips. “Hey, Kaidan. Had a feeling I would find you here.”

“It’s either here or by my work-station,” Kaidan mused while closing the book he had been reading. “I didn’t expect you to come back this early, Shepard.”

Shepard chuckled some as he entered the room and only now could Kaidan see the two bottles of what seemed to be beer, hanging by their necks between Shepard’s fingers. “Yeah, I wasn’t quite feeling it tonight. I was quite the cheap date though. Didn’t take more than two beers before I was feeling rather… Happy.”

Kaidan smirked and nodded his head towards the two bottles in his hands. “Even before you opened them?”

“Ah, no. This-,” Shepard said, taking one of the bottle with his other hand and handed it to Kaidan. “-is for you. I was thinking about you, being sick and all, and thought we could share a beer in peace.”   
The happy smiled turned a bit more insecure as Kaidan just looked at the bottle, then tugged into a wider smile when the biotic reached out to take the bottle.

“That’s nice of you, Shepard. Thank you.”

“Everyone deserves a shore-leave after what we’ve been through. Even if you can’t leave the ship.”

Kaidan just grinned and reached out to snatch Shepard’s bottle. One flick of a wrist later, bottle-cap against bottle-cap, and Kaidan had the beer open, handing Shepard’s bottle back to the commander as he sat down onto the other chair by the small table.

“… Neat.”

“I do know more than filing reports and shooting a gun,” Kaidan mused while placing the opening to his lips, tipping the bottle upwards and letting the bitter, cool liquid fill his mouth before swallowing. 

“I’d say,” Shepard mused as he copied Kaidan’s movements, but his eyes never left Kaidan’s direction. Or rather, Kaidan’s face.  
“So… What were you reading? Another romance-novel?”

“Actually no,” Kaidan chuckled, holding the book up for Shepard to see. “Ever heard of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle?”

“Author of Sherlock Holmes, no,” Shepard asked before his lips tugged into a grin. “And no, I did not read the label, but yes. I am guessing I am right?”

“Spot on,” Kaidan grinned while putting the book onto the table between them. “It’s a classing, despite its age. Timeless. A good mystery, deductions, character studies of the main character… I like it.”

“Might have to read it, when I have the time,” Shepard said, reaching over to open the book onto the first page.   
“I feel like such an uncultured barbarian next to you,” he murmured, smiling some as he closed the book again. “You’ve read and seen so much, done so much. I am amazed over the brain-capacity you have. If it was me, my brain would have exploded.”

Kaidan chuckled and took a small swig from his beer. “I don’t think it has so much to do with capacity as it has to do with… Range of interest, I suppose. Or rather, problems settling on just one or two things. It’s a luxury problem, really. Having too much to do or see or wanting to try.”

“I never had that problem, really,” Shepard confessed. “It’s… Well. Comes with being a street-brat, I guess. I only had basic wants and needs, which was more or less survival.”

“You did well on that though,” Kaidan murmured before holding his bottle out, smiling at Shepard. “Here’s to living another day.”

“And kicking Saren’s ass,” Shepard added as he clinked his bottle against Kaidan’s in a gentle toast.

“All in due time,” Kaidan mused before they both started drinking in a more comfortable silence, just looking through the large window, watching as the ships passed the Normandy, on their way to the docks. 

“I like that about you though.”

Kaidan raised an eyebrow, turning his head to look at Shepard. “Hmm?”

“You. And your hobbies, I mean,” Shepard said, adding the latter quickly. “You’re so… Passionate about it. I can tell that it makes you happy and relaxed. Makes me want to pick up something myself.”

“Well, it’s never too late. Just think about something you like and are interested in, something that will keep your mind focused.”

Shepard nodded his head slowly. “Something I like and am interested in,” he repeated softly, letting the head of his bottle rest against his lips.

“Some take years to find a hobby. As long as you find something you like, then that’s all that matters,” Kaidan said, smiling gently at Shepard. “Can be anything from collecting old stamps to napkin’s from restaurants. My mom used to collect spoons from different countries on Earth for a while.”  
The smile he was given in return as the Commander looked at him was enough to make his body feel warm, and it wasn’t due to the beer. That much he could admit.

“I’ll give it a thought,” Shepard finally said, turning to look through the large window again. “But first, we have to find Saren and make sure he can’t do… Whatever he’s planning to do. Hopefully, once we go to Virmire, it’ll all be over and done with.”

“Would be nice. Our routine-mission has been dragging for quite a while now,” Kaidan mused while finishing his beer, placing the empty bottle into the table.

“Any regrets so far, Kaidan?”

“Nah.” Kaidan let his lips tug into a small, sober smile. “I mean, having Jenkins still with us would have been great. But besides his unfortunate death… I mean, we’ve met some amazing people, seen some amazing things. Things I never dreamed I would actually get a chance to see. Though I probably could have died a happy man if I had never seen the Geth,” he added with a chuckle.

“Well, it’s not over until the fat lady sings,” Shepard reminded him, placing his own bottle next to Kaidan’s. “But once it’s over… I’m taking everyone out. Beer, steak, the whole deal. We’ll celebrate. Make a night out of it.”

“Everyone, huh? Sure your wallet can take that? I eat for two.”

“You’ve earned it. And really, we all deserve a raise and a bonus after this,” Shepard chuckled, giving Kaidan a downright lazy grin. 

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Kaidan murmured, placing his elbow onto the table and held his hand up, fingers curled into a fist.  
Shepard seemed to get the message, copying the biotics’ hand before bumping the side of his fist against Kaidan’s.

“After Virmire. That’s a promise.”

“After Virmire,” Kaidan echoed. 

Shepard nodded and, as Kaidan put his hand down onto the table, he let his own join the biotics’, their fingers touching. Caressing even.

“After the group-fest,” the Commander said in a low voice, not looking at Kaidan as he spoke. “I’d like to do something together. You and me.”

Kaidan swallowed some, not looking at Shepard. He didn’t pull his hand away either though. It felt nice, almost natural. Like it was supposed to be, even if it was a very small gesture.  
“After Virmire,” he repeated and, from the corner of his eyes, he saw Shepard nod his head.

“Yeah. After Virmire.”

After Virmire.


	16. Ashley

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan finally realizes certain things.

Kaidan was feeling sick to his stomach. It felt like a big lump was stuck in his throat and the guilt was tearing at him from the inside. There was a taste of copper in his mouth as he fought to keep the damn protein bars down, just so he had something to run on. He couldn’t afford to break down, not now. 

Especially not now.

But it was hard to keep going, when the guilt and the questions were gnawing at him from the inside until his body was trembling.   
That small voice in his head that kept asking “why?” Why him? Why her? 

It was almost worse to think that Ashley would have berated Kaidan for thinking this way.   
“Chin up, LT, it was the right thing to do. Fight my battle for me and make it a good one. I got no regrets. Live for me, but don’t you dare dying for me.”

That’s what she would say, if she had a voice anymore.

The decision was weighing on everybody, but Kaidan could see that it was weighing the most on Shepard.  
The one that had to make that final command. That final decision. His Gunnery Sergeant or his Staff Lieutenant.  
Kaidan or Ashley.

Kaidan had confronted Shepard once about it. Wondering why him. Wondering if it was because of his rank, because of his abilities and capabilities or if it was because of him. Because of them. While they were still not talking about it, neither of them were denying it either.   
There was something there. Something between them, steadily growing, held back only by rank, rules and the mission.

Shepard had given him a straight answer and Kaidan wasn’t sure if he liked it or not. 

A mix of everything.   
Kaidan halfway wondered if the feelings were the only thing that had saved him from taking Ashley’s fate. He doubted he was better than Ashley in any way save for rank. And what was a rank really, when it came down to things.  
Ashley could outgun him with her eyes closed, but Kaidan could have her pinned to the ground before she could pull the trigger in more than one way.

They were equals, at least in his mind.

The situation, it sent his mind spinning. Sent the entire world spinning. And with it, he could feel that tight control he had, everything he thought he knew, thought he could handle, and thought he could _control_ …  
There were already cracks in his control, had been since the meeting they’d had when they returned from Virmire, and he had no idea how to mend them because nothing in the little soldier’s hand-book had taught him about this situation. This very special situation that Kaidan had thought he would never be forced to experience.

Kaidan wasn’t a fool; he knew there were things, many things, which were beyond his control. He wasn’t God and if he was, he would make a crap one.

So he decided to stop thinking as a human, stop thinking as a man, and simply think as a soldier. Start dealing like a soldier.

He let the sadness and the anxiety turn into rage and in turn, that rage was unleashed on the heavy sparring-bag they had down in the cargo-hold.   
No biotics. No fancy tricks. Just his hands, his fists and his mood against the heavy sack.

It was empty in the cargo-hold when he started his sparring, Wrex and Garrus respecting his need for privacy and leaving him alone.  
It was bittersweet because there was one lacking from the area. One that had given her life so that he could live.  
That just added fuel to the fire and soon the biotic was fighting his own war, his own demon, focusing them onto the bag for only God knew how long.

“Kaidan, take it easy. That bag never did anything to anyone. Save it for Saren and Sovereign instead.”

Kaidan didn’t need to turn in order to know that Shepard was there, looking at him. He could almost guess how he was standing. Leaning against the MAKO, arms crossed over his chest, a tired look on his face.  
He knew Shepard hadn’t rested since they left Virmire, having contacted Ashley’s family in order to give the news himself, handing all the arrangements the best he could. They had no body to offer, but Shepard had wanted to make sure that her belongings were given to them.

“Apologizes, Commander,” Kaidan grunted, swinging a left hook into the bag, making it sway. “But it’s either the bag or the ship’s walls.”

“Cut the Commander-crap, Kaidan. And stop that, your knuckles are already raw. I can see it from here. Don’t make them bleed as well.”

Kaidan gritted his teeth and stopped his swings, turning around to send a glare at Shepard. He wasn’t angry at him, not really, but without the bag to take his rage, Shepard was, unfortunately, the next best target right now.  
“And do what, Commander? Sit up in my room and stew in my own thought? No thanks.”

“I said, cut the crap, Alenko,” Shepard snapped back as he pushed himself away from the MAKO, taking quick, long steps over to the biotic. He grasped Kaidan hard by the shoulder and stuck his own face inches away from his, looking into the stormy brown eyes.   
“You are not yourself right now, I get it. None of us are. But I will not let you fall victim to your own guilt because you don’t have a damn thing to feel guilty about other than the fact that Ashley had to die, a guilt that is shared equally by us all. So don’t you go hogging more than your share.”

“With all due respect, Commander-“

“No.”   
It wasn’t loud, it wasn’t angry, but it was firm and direct, accompanied by the intense stare from two blue eyes.

That was when Kaidan realised how heavy they both were breathing. How much they struggled keeping themselves in check, inches away from either punching each other or starting to make out because of the intense emotions that were going through them both.

Kaidan felt his Adam’s apple bob in his throat, finding it hard to swallow with Shepard looking at him like that.  
The Commander seemed to sense this since he broke the gaze and looked down, inhaling deeply.

“… I am sorry.”

“No, Shepard, no…” Now it was Kaidan’s turn to reach out, placing his hand on Shepard’s shoulder. “… Don’t be, I… You’re right, I’m not myself right now, I…”  
He sighed and looked down, removing the hand from Shepard’s shoulder slowly. “… I just feel… Like I have done something wrong. That we…”

“Don’t, Kaidan,” Shepard murmured, finally releasing that tight grip on Kaidan’s shoulder. “We haven’t done anything wrong. Ash, she… She knew. She knew what she was asking for, what she was doing. It’s Saren that should get the blunt end of our anger. Saren, Sovereign and the damn Reapers.”

“That doesn’t make the guilt feel any less, Shepard,” Kaidan mumbled, rubbing the spot on his shoulder where Shepard had grabbed him with his hand.

“I know, Kaidan. I know. It’s not easy, not for you, not for me and certainly not for her. Because in that moment, I had to look at you as soldiers instead of as my friends. As my…”

Shepard shook his head, pinching the bridge between his eyes. “Nobody wants to die. I don’t want to die, you don’t want to die and Ashley didn’t want to die. But we are all ready to give our lives for the cause, to win this battle. That’s how Ash gave her life and she gave it proudly. But for you and me…”  
The look Shepard gave Kaidan was one of pure pain and Kaidan could finally see just how much the Commander was hurting.

“We go out there and we face death everyday. We know it could be the last battle and we prepare for it. But what happened on Virmire… That wasn’t a normal battle. That was… That was a choice. A shit one. Because I knew that I could not save you both no matter how much I wanted to. And that’s what’s eating on you, on me. Knowing that one -had- to die, in order for us to live… There was no way around it. Nothing we could have done in order to prevent it.”

“John…” 

Shepard shook his head before grasping Kaidan by the chin, making him look into Shepard’s eyes. “… Don’t let that sacrifice be in vain, Kaidan. Don’t let her rage at us from… Wherever she is now. Because she is.”  
The grasp turned tender as the roughened fingers slid over Kaidan’s jaw and cheek. “… I would have made the same choice again. For many reasons. Not because she was worth less in any way. But because I am a selfish human being and, sadly, a very practical one. For this mission… You are my choice. In combat… And to keep me sane.”

That just made Kaidan’s heart skip a beat and he prayed that his cheeks wasn’t as warm as they felt. “John…”

John gave Kaidan a small, pained smile before the hand was removed. “… I am sorry. I’m not quite myself either,” he murmured softly. “This entire thing, ever since the start, it’s… it’s been eating on me. The Prothean beacon, Saren, the geth and now this.”   
The Commander let out a bitter chuckle as he shook his head. “It sounds like a bad Blasto-movie.”

“Shepard. Now you stop it,” Kaidan said, offering Shepard an equally tired and pained smile. “No taking more of your share of the guilt. Right?”  
He reached out his hand to the Commander. A silent offer of support. Of being something to lean against, even if they were both crumbling a little. They could keep each other up.  
“We’ll make them pay. All off them. And we’ll make Ash proud of us. We’re so close now. When we deliver everything, the council will have to mobilize around us. It will be a fitting tribute to Ash if we were able to rally everyone together after the Council.”

Shepard looked at the hand before his eyes met Kaidan’s. He let out a small chuckle before clasping Kaidan firmly around the lower arm, Kaidan’s own hand wrapping itself around the commanders’ and squeezing.  
“It’s been a struggle,” he replied. “But we’ve earned their respect now.”

“And you’ve been in the forefront even back in the Blitz,” Kaidan reminded him, giving their grip a good shake. “You’ll probably get another Star of Terra out of this,” he added with a small grin.

The laugh he got from Shepard was definitely worth it, even if the distraction was a horrible one.  
“Keep that in mind after all of this is over,” he mused before the grin turned almost… seductive. “I will be tracking your shore-leave, mister.”

Kaidan chuckled and he couldn’t help the smirk that tugged on his own lips. “I was kind of hoping that the shore-leave would be joined,” he murmured, raising one eyebrow.

“I bet you say that to all your commanding officers,”  
That’s when Kaidan noticed that their hands were still around each others’ lower arms. Shepard’s fingers were caressing over the skin on the underside of Kaidan’s arm, giving him Goosebumps. It was amazing how that hand, that gun-roughened and battle-worn hand, was capable of such a tender touch.

Kaidan wasn’t backing away though. Not this time.  
“Well-,” he started, still smirking as he took one step closer to Shepard, their arms pressing against their abdomen now. “-ever since I heard the Captain’s mess gets better food.”

Shepard chuckled before that seductive smile turned gentler. “You haven’t had the easiest life,” he spoke in a soft voice, fingers still caressing over Kaidan’s arm. “But I like the man it’s made you.”

“Please, Commander, you’ll make me blush.”  
Kaidan’s eyes flicked downwards for a moment before he decided ‘to hell with it’. If Ash had died because of whatever there was between him and Shepard, then by God. He wasn’t going to let that go to waste.  
“No bull, Shepard,” he said after a few seconds, voice determined. “I want to follow through with this. It’s tough keeping it separated from duty, but when the mission is complete… It will be different.”  
He let a smile grace over his lips, one of hope. “At least I hope so.”

The smile that appeared on Shepard’s lips was answer enough, but hearing the words…

“That sounds wonderful, Lieutenant.”   
Shepard squeezed his arm before nodding his head towards the elevator. “But in the meantime, we save the galaxy. And get some chow. I know you haven’t been eating since… Yeah.”

“Yeah.”

“Come on,” Shepard mused as they started walking together. “Let’s silence that stomach of yours before the entire galaxy hears it.

Kaidan laughed and gave Shepard a nudge, feeling a strange sort of relief just from that.

The guilt wasn’t gone, very far from it. There was still a load on Kaidan’s shoulders, on both their shoulders. Heck, on the entire Normandy’s shoulders, but that’s what the crew was there for. To help shoulder that load together so that it wouldn’t be so heavy.  
The guilt would probably never go away. Ash would always be on Kaidan’s mind and quite frankly, she was supposed to be. She’d give them that determination they sorely needed now so that her death wouldn’t be in vain. Both on the battle-field and after.

With that in mind and with what he and Shepard had just talked about, what they had just shared, Kaidan was ready to do just about everything. 

All they had to do now was to get the council to listen.


	17. Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan and John finally take what they want.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter has a little bit of humping in it! Those who don't like it... Well... 
> 
> Sorry for the long delay in getting this out; life and exams got in the way. Now that I am getting close to finishing them, I have finally gotten time to write something down. It turned a bit long, but I felt that it was a good thing, seeing as it has been close to a month (or has it been over, I honestly cannot remember. X.x I am so sorry) without a written word.
> 
> So... Enjoy this "little" fic! Hopefully more will follow it!

What they had discovered on Virmire was more than big. It was downright terrifying and they had approached the Council with an air of urgency and desperation.  
That’s why it was so damn hard to see Shepard so angry, so defeated when the Council blew them off.

Despite their best efforts, despite the overwhelming amount of evidence, of witnesses, the Council had grounded them.  
They dismissed everything as a very clever lie made up by Saren, a distraction created from his true goal. To attack the Citadel. They no longer needed to find out what this Conduit was or to stop the Geth because of it, which told Kaidan that the Council had taken Saren’s bait including the hook, line and sinker. On dry land.  
Shepard had, of course, called them out on it, but the results were clear. They were forbidden to go anywhere until the Council lifted the restrictions.

So now Kaidan just watched Shepard as the Commander paced by the lockers outside the med-bay, fiddling with the lock on his own locker, then gave up and gave it a hard punch before going right back to fiddling.   
Seeing Shepard like this… Kaidan didn’t like it. And he had no idea what he could do to make it better.  
But he had to do something. Anything.

Kaidan really hated going into situations without a plan, but what could you do when the “situation” was someone you cared deeply for being in distress?   
With a deep breath, he walked over to the lockers as Shepard kneeled down, trying to get the door open. He could see the Commander jump as he came closer, clearly having been in his own world.  
Kaidan really couldn’t blame him. Not when the world, every world and the universe in general was in deep shit if Saren’s plan succeeded.

With a sigh, Shepard turned around so he could sit with his back against the lockers, looking up at Kaidan with a look that made the biotic want to walk straight to the Council and give them a piece of his mind.  
Heck, he would have done just that if it thought it would do them even a little bit of good.

“Commander, are you okay,” he asked instead, then instantly regretted it. It was a terrible thing to say, it was clear that Shepard was not okay.  
“I’m sure there’s a way to appeal,” he added quickly. “We’re under Alliance authority after all, not the Council.”

“The official channels are closed,” Shepard bit out, one hand tightening into a fist as he rested it onto his right knee. “They were -quite- about that.”

Kaidan couldn’t help but wince when he heard the bitterness in Shepard’s voice. The commander didn’t have a black raincloud over his head, he had a full-fledged hurricane, but Kaidan knew that the only person that would be washed away by that hurricane was Shepard himself. That was the kind of man Shepard was.  
“Closed,” he repeated. “And we’re supposed to accept that.” It wasn’t a question, it was a statement. He knew that and Shepard knew that.   
“So where do you think the best view will be when the Reapers roll through? If we have to sit it out we may as well get a good seat,” he added dryly, resisting the urge to roll his eyes at his own words. His mother was right; he really did have a dark sense of humour at the worse possible times. Came with being a BaAT brat, Kaidan guessed.

“We’re out of the game for now,” Shepard muttered, closing his eyes as he pinched the bridge between them. Kaidan was willing to bed that Shepard was fighting off a head-ache of his own, at least by the looks of it. There was a small break, a small hesitation before Shepard spoke again.   
“I need you to be there while I figure things out.”

“You know you can count on me, or any of the crew, Commander.”

Shepard chuckled a little bit before he opened his eyes again and looked up at Kaidan. “Come on, Kaidan,” he murmured, voice warmer now. “I can get a salute from anyone on this ship. Sometimes I need a shoulder.”

It was a simple sentence. One that could easily be said from one friend to another.   
But the way it was said, in addition to who said it and it was enough to send worlds spinning. Or rather, it sent Kaidan’s world spinning.

Shepard… Needed him.

Shepard needed -him-.

Staff Commander John Shepard, the hero of Elysium, N7 graduate, the first human Spectre… Needed him.

In a way, that was completely unbelievable. Men like Shepard didn’t need people like Kaidan. Not like that. Men like Shepard had their shit together. They were tough. Larger than life.  
But when looking at it, thinking about it… Kaidan believed it. Because Shepard knew that wasn’t true. He wasn’t larger than life, he wasn’t superman. He was just a man. One man given an almost impossible task. He was the man who was willing to get his hands dirty for the sake of others, but he also knew he couldn’t do it alone. If he could have done it, Kaidan was sure that Shepard would have done this on his own, but not because he didn’t trust people.  
It was because he didn’t want to risk more lives.   
But Shepard was no fool either. The Commander knew that the entire mission rested on the joined forces of the crew.   
That didn’t mean that he didn’t need something, or someone, to hold him up while he did this mission.

And Kaidan wanted to be that person, if he could.  
After Ash’s death, he had sworn to himself that he wasn’t going to waste whatever it was that was happening between him and Shepard, but it was hard. Releasing the control he had on himself… 

“Yeah, I always leave a way out, you know that,” Kaidan said instead, realising just seconds later how true his words were. Even now, he tried to leave a way out.  
Not for himself, but for Shepard.   
“I’m here for you,” he added quickly, not wanting for Shepard to catch his blunder. “But we are in a rough spot, and the last thing I wanna do is muddy things.”  
Kaidan sighed, shaking his head some. “Like it was all that clear to start with. Are we the pride of the fleet or not. Are we valued agents or just peons.”

Shepard gave Kaidan a look, his lips tugged in a tired smile. “Can’t just pull out a good, old fashioned ‘It will be alright,’ can you?”

Kaidan gave a small chuckle of his own. “It’s that easy, huh?” he asked before shrugging his shoulders. “Okay then. ‘Everything will be fine, Shepard. You’ll figure it out,’” he added, making his voice as serious as he could. It made the words more unbelievable, but it made Shepards’ smile bigger and warmer. That in itself was a victory for Kaidan.

“That wasn’t so hard now, was it?”

“I could get used to it,” the biotic mused before looking at Shepard with a smaller, more serious smile. “I guess we have some downtime to figure out what we are, huh,” he added in a more soft tone as he reached his hand out to Shepard to help him stand.  
He wasn’t sure what had inspired him to say that, but it felt right. No running. No leaving a way out, but opening up a new path.

Shepard gave him a curious look before taking Kaidan’s hand to pull himself up. Kaidan expected for Shepard to pull along with him so added a bit of force to it, which sent the Commander bumping into him.  
Not that that was a bad thing.   
Not at all.

The first thing that hit him was that Shepard was very close to him. Very close. In his personal space. And he did not mind at all. He looked at him and the Commander looked back, blue eyes meeting brown.   
Shepard’s hand, which he had used to support himself as he bumped into the biotic, had remained on Kaidan’s shoulder and was now used to pull him in closer.  
They were so close, so painfully close to one another. Shepard’s eyes were dragging him in, devouring him whole and Kaidan was all to willing to let himself get lost. Before he could allow himself to think, he leaned in towards Shepard, slowly to let the Commander change his mind. Just in case. Leaving a way out.  
Instead he felt warm air over his lips as he closed his eyes. His lips parted before he could stop himself, he was more than ready to feel that mouth pressed against his own. He had wondered for some time if the Commander’s lips were as hard as the man they belonged to or if they were as soft as they looked, and now he could get that answer.

“Sorry to interrupt, Commander. You got a message from Captain Anderson.”

… He was more than ready to kill Joker by now and if Shepard’s amused face was anything to go by, Kaidan bet that his own face mirrored his thoughts.

‘Later,’ Shepard mouthed as they pulled way before looking up towards the nearest Com-point. “What did he want?”  
Kaidan just bit his tongue to prevent himself from adding to the conversation. Instead he rubbed his hand over his neck, trying his best not to look like a naughty kid. Not that he thought Joker would squeal. He wasn’t that kind of guy.

“Only said to meet him in that club in the Wards. Flux.”

“Well, I guess you better go then,” Kaidan said, unable to keep the annoyance out of his voice. God, he sounded like a five-year old who had been told to go to bed while playing…

“I better,” Shepard confirmed before smiling at Kaidan, touching his arm. “And you are coming with me, Kaidan. Something tells me I’ll want you in on this. Heck, go get Garrus too. As much as I want to make this into a date, we might need him as well.”

“Yes, Commander,” Kaidan said, automatically slipping back into soldier-mode, but the smile on his face mirrored Shepard’s own.   
Neither of them had any plans on letting what had almost happen be forgotten.

For now… That was enough.

***

They were going to be lined up in front of a firing squad.   
For all they had done, they would be lucky if they got a damn blindfold before the trigger was pulled.

Not only had they broken the Council’s word, they had broken the Alliance’s rules and by the sound of it, Anderson had punched Udina.  
It had been a long time since anyone on the Normandy had had a laugh like that when the rumour spread.

Now they were on their way to Ilos, in a stolen ship, ready to face down Saren unless it was too late and Kaidan… Kaidan loved every moment of it.  
Sure, the thought of breaking the rules downright sucked, but they were all in this together and he knew that they were in the right. It was this or watch as the entire universe burned as the Reapers came back.

This was the right thing to do.

Hopefully this would be the last battle; Kaidan didn’t want Ilos to turn into another Virmire. The thought of making Shepard choose again… It downright hurt.  
But for now, everything was set, the wheels were in motion.

Nothing could stop them now.

There was only one more thing for Kaidan to do, before it was possibly too late for both of them. Something that had everything and nothing to do with the mission.  
Something personal.

It was the first time Kaidan had even considered doing something like this, something this selfish, but he reminded himself that there was another person’s feelings at stake here, not only his own.

He walked towards Shepards’ office, taking quick, long steps before he could change his mind and chicken out. He didn’t even buzz the door, he just entered. He wasn’t very surprised that it was unlocked; Shepard was a fan of the open-door policy.  
Again, that was just the kind of man Shepard was. His door was always open for everyone.

“Commander?”  
Wow… Thirty-two years old and his voice was still able to crack at the most awkward of times. Some things never changed.

If Shepard noticed, he had the grace not to comment. Instead he simply turned his head and gave Kaidan a small, tired smile before he rose from his chair. “Don’t you think we’re a little past title,” he murmured as he closed the distance between them. 

Kaidan just swallowed, feeling overwhelmed by the presence of Shepard so close. He couldn’t even stop himself as that tight control slapped into place, pushing him into soldier-mode. “We’re a little past a lot of things,” he said, inhaling deeply as he looked dead into Shepard’s eyes, locking brown with blue.  
“What happens if this doesn’t work out, Shepard,” he blurted out after a brief pause. “We mutinied, stole a proto-type warship. If they wanted to get technical they can throw in kidnapping.” The last was added with a small chuckle as Kaidan’s lips tugged into a small, crocked smile. Leave it to him to look at the dark side of things.  
“We’re one hell of an example of humanities best and brightest, huh?”

Shepard chuckled and glanced away, rolling his eyes some. “I keep reminding myself we’re doing the right thing,” he murmured before glancing back at Kaidan, that tired smile back on his lips. “I don’t believe me yet.”

The biotic let out a small chuckle of his own, shaking his head at the dryness of Shepard’s humour. Some things really didn’t change.  
“Well, if I didn’t think you were doing the right thing, I wouldn’t be here,” he murmured, smirking some before letting his expression sober up some.  
“It will really hit the fan when we get to Ilos.” He inhaled sharply. He had already avoided his true intent from the second he had entered Shepard’s cabin. No more beating around the bush. That wasn’t the way he worked.  
“If things don’t go well, I want you to know… Well.” He looked into Shepard’s eyes as he took a step closer towards Shepard to… He didn’t know what yet. Something. Anything.   
“I’ve enjoyed serving under you.”

“Kaidan, you stopped being a subordinate a long time ago,” Shepard replied as he took a step towards Kaidan, bringing them mere inches away from each other. He lifted a hand and grasped Kaidan’s before looking more directly into the biotics' eyes. If Kaidan didn’t know better he would think that Shepard was challenging him, but there was something else in those blue eyes. A question… A personal request.  
Kaidan nodded and Shepard smiled, tugging Kaidan those final inches towards him before releasing his hand in favour of wrapping his am around Kaidan’s lean waist instead. Their faces were so close to one another, their lips just inches away. Kaidan almost felt drunk of Shepard’s scent; eezo, gun-oil, his own, musky scent. If Shepard’s face was anything to go by, the Commander felt the same way.  
“Don’t you think it’s time to act like it?”

“Battlefield flirting is one thing, Shepard,” Kaidan murmured, bringing his hands to Shepard’s shoulders, squeezing them. Not quite daring to bring them together just yet.  
“There are regs against fraternization.” Then he snorted as he listened to his own words. Again he was leaving a way out, even when he didn’t want it. Making excuses, bringing up possible exits for them both to use. He really, really had to stop that and Shepard seemed to agree as the arm around his waist seemed to tighten.   
No more running away. No way out.  
“Huh. I supposed breech of protocol will be pretty far down on the list of charges at our courts-martial,” he mused before pressing a hand against Shepard’s cheek.  
“You know what,” he whispered, ridding himself of that last wall. That last line of defence. It was just him and Shepard now. To hell with protocol and regs. To hell with that tight control he had on himself. He wanted to do this right or he would regret it for the rest of his life, no matter how long or short that life would be.  
“You’re right. About everything. I think about loosing you and I can’t stand it. The galaxy will just keep going. Everything, even the Reapers will come around again, but you and I. We are important right now. And this is what will never happen again. Us. Shepard, you… You make me feel…”   
Kaidan swallowed. He was just going to leave himself bare, no defences. No control. Shepard already knew his biggest insecurities, his secrets. He knew everything, everything that made Kaidan tick. It scared Kaidan shitless, but as the words slipped from his mouth he felt strangely… Liberated. Free.

“You make me feel human.”

Shepard inhaled sharply, seemingly understanding what a big deal this was for Kaidan. Leaving himself this open for someone, this vulnerable.  
The Commander knew how much like freaks a human biotic felt like, how judged they had been and still was. Unpredictable, scary. Unnatural. Kaidan had told him everything about that, how BaAT had tried to alienate young human biotics from their family, from their friends. Had tried to de-socialise them, make them cold. Unfeeling. How it had almost worked on him, but not quite. Just enough to leave scars. Just enough to make him unable to open up to most.  
He wanted Shepard to see him as he was. Just a human being with scars on his soul, with flaws and a very special talent for lifting things with his mind and manipulating dark matter to suit his needs.

“Bunk here tonight, Kaidan,” Shepard whispered. “With me.”  
The implications were as clear as glass and that was terrifying in its own way.

“Is that an order, Commander,” Kaidan replied, bringing his hands to Shepard’s neck, thumbs caressing over his throat. Shepard lifted his head some, baring it further to Kaidan.

Complete and utter trust.

“Kaidan, you make me feel like I can take on the universe. And right now?” Shepard straightened his head again and looked straight into Kaidan’s eyes. No bull.   
“I kind of have to.”

Kaidan swallowed. “This can’t change anything, Shepard,” he whispered, leaning in so close that he could feel Shepard’s warm breath on his lips. “This is a good crew. The finest I have served with. I don’t want to mess it up.”

Shepard had apparently had enough of Kaidan’s excuses because the next thing that happen was that the Commander’s lips was finally on his as he was dragged into a hot and downright desperate kiss.   
Everything went automatically from there. Hands were roaming, the kisses were hard and deep. He could feel Shepard’s hands around him, all over him and Kaidan was trying his best to give back, wanting to touch and taste Shepard just as badly.

Eager hands undid his belt buckle before sliding up underneath Kaidan’s shirt, gripping at the bare flesh as he was crushed against Shepard’s strong body.  
What did surprise the biotic somewhat was how willing he was to surrender himself to the Commander. It wasn’t even a question in his mind. Shepard needed him and Kaidan was ready, willing and wanting to do whatever it took in order to bring Shepard some joy, some relaxation. Anything he could.  
It wasn’t a question about who took what role, about submitting or dominating. It wasn’t about that.  
It was all about giving. And Kaidan could definitely give Shepard this.

Kaidan wasn’t sure when they had turned around, but he soon found himself on his back on Shepard’s bed, owner of said bed following. Not once had they stopped kissing and he could feel warm puffs of air against his cheek from Shepard’s nose. Kaidan was sure he was being just as “elegant”.

He let out a small whine as Shepard’s lips vanished from his, but the sound was muffled as his shirt was tugged over his head. A new, brief kiss was pressed to his lips before said lips moved over his cheek, down his jaw, his neck, making Kaidan squirm and moan from the pleasure. It felt like Shepard was trying to map every part of his body with his hands and lips, and all Kaidan could do was lay there and try not do pass out from the pleasure.  
Man, it really had been a while since last time. He was already rock-hard, his cock pressing against his breeches, and either Shepard had a gun in his pocket or he was just as happy to see him.

When the first waves of biotics flashed over Kaidan’s skin, Shepard pulled away, hovering over Kaidan with a somewhat owlish look on his face. Kaidan opened his own eyes and stared at Shepard before they both started laughing.  
“Sorry, it’s… It’s been awhile,” Kaidan chuckled while Shepard rubbed his fingers over his own lips.  
“That tickled. My lips feel kinda numb.”  
Kaidan smirked and sat up, placing a hand against Shepard’s neck. “Allow me to remedy that,” he murmured before he claimed Shepard’s lips in a new kiss, pushing him down onto the bed and returning the favour with his own hands.

While it was hardly their first rodeo in the sack, it was the first time with each other, and Kaidan was fairly sure it was Shepard’s first time with a man.  
As for himself, he’d only been with a handful of people in his life, men and women alike. Two he couldn’t remember, one he wanted to forget and three he had genuinely cared about. It didn’t matter to him what the plumbing was, sexuality wasn’t exactly a big deal anymore. Not with the wide spectre of races you could choose from these days.

Kaidan’s “observation” wasn’t based on any lack of technique or skills, but rather the way Shepard touched him; very gently, like he was afraid that Kaidan would break and crumble under his touch.  
Not that Kaidan was complaining. It was special to be caressed in such a way, especially since Kaidan knew what Shepards' hands could do. Shepard wasn’t a biotic like he was, but he was a soldier. An N7. Hands that were roughened from battle and hardship, now sliding over the biotics’ lean body and bringing him to new heights he couldn’t remember having experienced before.

Still, Kaidan knew what he liked, how he liked it and when he liked it. And he’d like some right now.

In the end, Kaidan had to push Shepard down and grind his ass against Shepard’s dick in order to make him realise that no, he wasn’t fragile and no, he wasn’t going to break, before the Commander took the hint. Once the awkwardness was out of the way, there was a strange, almost familiar round of horse-play going around as they kissed, nipped, gripped and grinded against one another, rolling around on the bed and almost falling out at one point.   
It was downright hilarious.

When Shepard finally pressed himself into Kaidan, the biotic was sure he had died and gone to heaven. He hadn’t even thought about it when Shepard had located the lotion from his nightstand (apparently the great Commander Shepard suffered from chafing and cracked elbows), he had merely snatched it from Shepard’s hands. The look Shepard had given him had been one of curiosity, and then of realisation and Kaidan had almost started laughing as he had almost watched as the wheels were turning in Shepard’s head as he slicked the Commanders’ fingers up for him.   
At least Shepard hadn’t needed a point to point explanation on what to do when Kaidan had lay back down onto the bed and spread his legs for him.

Taking the role as bottom just… sounded right. He had been on the receiving end before and if this really was Shepard’s first time with a man, then Kaidan didn’t want to waste precious time on something Shepard might not even enjoy. Kaidan knew he enjoyed it so it was just easier. Easier and it just felt… right.

Once inside him, Shepard stopped up, breathing hard as he looked down at Kaidan. Kaidan looked right back, wrapping his arms around Shepard’s neck, pulling him down for a hot kiss. “You okay,” the Commander asked in a soft voice, breathing against Kaidan’s lips.

“Yeah… Yeah, I’m fine,” he whispered back. “You… You can move, if you want to.”

Kaidan was breathing hard, but slowly through his nose as he let himself adjust. While not the ten inch cock-monster some made Shepard out to be, at least according to the extranet, Shepard had certainly been blessed in that department as well. Some guys really did seem to get it all. Not that Kaidan was complaining…  
Especially not when Shepard finally started moving.

Just like when they first started, Shepard was being very careful. This time Kaidan was grateful for that though. It had been a long time since he’d had sex, even longer since he had been a bottom, and needed the time to adjust.  
Shepard was good at distracting him though; pressing small, playful kisses against his lips, his jaw and against his neck as he slowly rolled his hips. His own half-hard erection was sandwiched between their bellies and as Shepard moved, it hardened again thanks to the caresses from their joined bodies.

Kaidan wrapped his arms under and around Shepard’s shoulders, pressing him close to his own body as they started moving a little firmer. They had abandoned trying to speak anymore a while ago, preferring for their bodies and lips to do the talking for them.  
It didn’t take long before the small, playful kisses turned more desperate. Their breaths were quickening, hands were roaming and at one point Kaidan’s biotics flared up again, caressing over both his and Shepard’s bodies, and adding just one more thing to drive Kaidan wild with desire.  
Shepard’s body was slapping against Kaidan’s, both their bodies’ slick with sweat, making it easier to move with one another. Kaidan’s hands slid down over the strong back, nails scraping over the skin, drawing a long moan from Shepard before Kaidan’s mouth were once again captured by the Commander’s.

It was surreal, feeling Shepard sliding inside him, feeling that hard dick caressing and claiming him on the inside while the owner kissed and caressed him on the inside. Kaidan tried his best to add to the pleasure, not wanting to just lay there and take it, using his hands, biotics and anal-muscles to caress, to squeeze, to locate and tease over every spot he could find that made Shepard reach.  
He knew when he found one because Shepard’s movements would falter for a moment and the man would groan, sounding like a large, satisfied cat when he did so.

All too soon Kaidan could feel his climax approach and with a grunted “c-close!” against Shepard’s lips, he tried to warn him. He wanted to stop them, wanted to draw it out for as long as he could, but he knew he could have attempted to stop the tide and gotten the same result as the waves crashed around him.  
Based on the sounds Shepard was making as well as the firmness to the Commander’s thrusts, he was close as well, but Kaidan couldn’t reason himself to think that. His head was way gone in the pleasure that was building and all he could do was hug Shepard close to himself as he rocked back against him.

A few more thrusts and that was it. With a groan, Kaidan reached his climax, spilling himself between their bodies, smearing it against their bellies as Shepard continued to thrust into the biotic, the movements uneven and hard before stilling completely.   
Kaidan could have sworn that, for a moment, he was floating in space. No gravity with nothing but stars around him. He had no air to breathe, but he wasn’t choking. It was like his biotics had wrapped him in a safe co-coon, keeping him warm, keeping him afloat.  
At least for a little while.

When he regained feeling in his body and had half a mind to put together, he could feel Shepard’s breath against his lips. It took Kaidan a moment before he tilted his head up enough to kiss him, both of them breathing hard against the other.

Then they chuckled hoarsely.

“Oh wow…”

Kaidan chuckled as Shepard lay down on top of him, refusing to let him go just yet. He kept his arms securely around him, head tilted against Shepard’s shaved scalp, arm around his shoulders, hands caressing over his arm and back.  
“You could say that again…”

“Oh wow…”

Kaidan let out a snort and pressed a kiss to Shepard’s head. “Funny.”

“I like to think I am.”

“Just shut up and enjoy this moment, Commander,” Kaidan murmured, closing his eyes and inhaling deeply. He relished the moment, the weight and feeling of Shepard on top of him, still inside of him. Listening too him breathing, feeling his chest rise and the warm puffs of air wash over his chest.

Soon they would reach Ilos and who knew what would happen there.   
What they would face.  
What they could loose.

Before he succumbed to sleep, Kaidan tightened his arms around Shepard, inhaling deeply so he could bring the scent with him as he fell asleep.

He knew when he woke up, everything could and would be different.


	18. Hollow Victory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan and Shepard say good bye to a dear friend and finding comfort with one another.

Kaidan would be lying if he said that Ilos and the battle on the Citadel had been a “piece of cake”. It had not.

It had cost the sweat, tears and blood of every species in the galaxy to fight one Reaper. And there was supposedly more out there.

It had taken everything that humanity and the Citadel had been able to rally on a short notice in order to get down one Reaper.  
Humanity had lost thousands of good men in order to save the Citadel. 

But they had united when it was needed the most, even if it was just by a hair.  
They had worked together, came together as one, and they had been victorious despite the losses.  
They had given it their all. Hell, Shepard had almost given his life, just to get Saren down. It had looked ugly for a while, but when Shepard had emerged from the rubble, grinning when he spotted Kaidan, Garrus and Anderson… It was like the air just left Kaidan’s body. He had never felt such relief in his entire life.

All in all, it gave Kaidan a splitting head-ache just thinking about it, but it was not over yet. Not by a long shot.  
Now came the cleaning up. And who was better to clean up than the people that had discovered the mess first.

Shepard had his priorities straight though. Kaidan couldn’t help but admire his insistence on honouring those who had lost their lives in order to save the council. Hell, in order to save the galaxy.  
Still, there were things left unanswered between them. Something that left Kaidan a little confused, and more than a little frustrated.

That night before Ilos had meant everything to him, it had given him a much needed boost. A sanity-check. It had made him feel alive, like he was human.  
But they hadn’t mentioned it once since and while Kaidan understood it, he wasn’t sure if he wanted to accept it.  
It was strange, but Shepard had managed to worm his way pretty deeply into Kaidan’s heart and that night… well. Kaidan had left himself completely open. He had lost himself into what he wanted and he couldn’t turn away now. Not even if he wanted to.

It was a selfish desire, a selfish wish and Kaidan was fully aware of it. This was also the reason why he was so stubborn to keep it down. The last thing that Shepard needed, that he himself needed, was someone being needy. 

Was Kaidan becoming needy.

For now, he kept telling himself “there’s a time and a place for everything” and not definitely wasn’t it. They would get some much needed shore leave soon enough and while part of it would be used to attending funerals, especially Ash’s, Kaidan hoped that at least some of it, even just a few hours, could be spent with Shepard.

A man could hope at least.

***

Ash’s funeral was beautiful.

Her family had wished for the ceremony to be done in Sirona and while Shepard could not offer her family a body, he could offer them tokens.  
Her uniform.  
Her personal belongings.  
A replica of her dog tags since they had been unable to find the originals.

Small things, but things that had meaning. The best they could offer when thinking of the circumstances.

As tradition would have it, there was a casket, but it was empty. That in itself affected Kaidan more than he thought it would. Knowing that, at the very least, Ashley should be there, honoured. Surrounded by people who loved and cared about her. Not at some planet, some base that had been completely levelled by the bomb they had set off. Kaidan didn’t even want to think about the fact that there probably wasn’t… 

He stopped himself before he could finish that thought. He had thought it many times, knew it was true, but still denied it. It just felt wrong to think of her as… No more. In any aspect of the words.  
She had gone out as a damn hero, but it was still a sad thought. A very bitter pill to swallow.

Shepard’s speech was simple, but beautiful. Truthful.  
It was enough to make even the most battle-hardened marine fight the tears. 

“We didn’t have the honour to have Ashley with us for very long,” he had started, and then looked down for a moment as if choking on his own words. “But she definitely left an impact on us all. When she came on board, it was like she had always been there. She fit right in, like a piece of a puzzle we hadn’t even known was missing until we met her.”  
Shepard looked down at the casket, a small frown visible on his face. “The fact that we are here today is… It’s awful. A tragedy. The fact that the casket is empty is even worse because Ash… Ashley deserved more. So much more. But I know that she wouldn’t have it any other way because that’s the kind of woman she was. She gave everything to keep her friends safe. To keep humanity safe. She is an inspiration to every damn marine out there and I am proud to have known her. Proud that she was part of my crew. And it is thanks to her that we were able to take down Saren once and for all. Many of us owe her our lives because of her sacrifice and I will make sure that her sacrifice, that any sacrifice that was made in this war was not given in vain.  
The price was high, maybe to high, but she was willing to pay it.”

Shepard paused for a moment as he looked over at Ashley’s family.

“I know you are proud of your daughter. And while I am so very, very sorry that we had to meet in such a way… that we honour her together like this… I know that Ash is smiling at us today. She is watching over us and she will always be a part of us.”  
Shepard thumbed his fist over his heart, giving Ashley’s mother a small nod with his head. “Right here. She will never be forgotten and she will always be a part of the Normandy, even in spirit.”

The speech hit right home.  
After the ceremony was over and the casket had been lowered into the ground, Ashley’s parents had approached Shepard to thank him for the words and for the memories.  
Kaidan couldn’t help but feeling a little proud of his lover, smiling some as he watched Shepard speak to them. Even if the pain was still there, Shepard had been able to at least soothe the ache. It was a talent he had.  
When summoned, Kaidan joined Shepard to share his own words with the Williams’, hoping his own condolences and words of comfort could bring them some extra peace.

Time healed all wounds, or so they said, but Kaidan knew very well that things could, and would, take time. He also knew that the Alliance would make sure that the Williams’ would be well taken cared off though.  
It was the least they could do for them.

They were invited to the wake after the funeral, but Kaidan didn’t stay long. While it was very nice to talk to people and share his memories of Ash with them, it felt strange to him.  
Ashley had been a good friend, a damn good friend. They had a bond that was unique, forged in war and blood.  
But the guilt was eating at him; it had since the start of the funeral. That small voice in his head, telling him that he was partly the reason why Ash was dead in the first place. It was all in his head and he knew that, but the feeling was… It was horrible. It would be preferable of Ash’s mom or dad had hit him in the face and screamed at him rather than this… Strange acceptance.

Kaidan just couldn’t shake it off.

He left by the time coffee was served, thanking Ash’s family for the invitation and once again wishing them his deepest condolences before he moseyed off.  
When he stepped outside of the building, Kaidan inhaled deeply through his nose, then exhaled. It was still early in the evening, but there was a cool, pleasant breeze sweeping through the colony, making the evening slightly chilled.

Kaidan found that he preferred it that way. It helped him calm down a little, to wrestle with the guilt that was rolling around in his gut.

“Leaving so soon, Lieutenant?”

Kaidan looked over his shoulder and smiled weakly as he saw Shepard join him outside the building. He looked as tired as Kaidan felt.  
“Yeah. It… I felt a bit… uncomfortable. Being in there.”

“Anyone giving you grief?”

“Nah. Makes me wish they were. I could deal with that, you know?”

Shepard nodded.  
“Yeah, I hear you. It is strange to have the situation completely accepted by the people involved instead of them reacting with rage and blame. I’m sure it’s because of the Williams’ family-line in the military. They know the score. And they knew their daughter.”

“I know,” Kaidan murmured, sighing a little before looking at Shepard, clasping his hands in front of him, resting against his pelvis-area. “… Do you ever feel guilty, Shepard?”

“Every damn day of the week.”

“It’s a big load,” Kaidan agreed, sighing some before gently bumping his shoulder against his Commander’s. “Just remember you got people around you, ready to shoulder that weight with you. Easing the load.”

Shepard smiled and nodded, looking towards Kaidan. “I know. And I am grateful. Damn grateful.”

“You should grab some shore leave while you can, Shepard,” Kaidan said, giving Shepard a smile of his own before looking away. “Get in some proper R and R. Catch a movie or two.”

“Sounds tempting. God knows that the Council is riding my ass hard along with the Alliance brass.”

“Just don’t let them bruise it,” Kaidan mused.

“It can take a beating. Might be a while before I can sit on it though.”

“You know how I felt the night before Ilos then,” Kaidan quipped, then snapped his mouth shut with an auditable click as his teeth clacked together.  
… He did not just say that.

Shepard felt silent as well and Kaidan had to force himself not to look at Shepard. He didn’t want to see what was probably a horrified expression on his face. 

“… Did I hurt you that night, Kaidan?”

Kaidan bit his bottom lip and wondered if his cheeks were as red as they felt. “… You did many things to me that night, Shepard. But hurting me was not one of them.”  
He glanced over towards Shepard, just in time to see him nod slowly. He wasn’t looking at Kaidan.

“… We haven’t had much time to talk. About… Well. Anything really. Since that night.”

“Duty comes first, Shepard. Always has. I did say that, if memory serves.”

“You said a lot of things that night, Kaidan.”

“Of that I have no doubt,” Kaidan replied, chuckling a little as he let his lips crack into a small, twisted smile. “I don’t regret anything though. Never have.”

Shepard looked towards Kaidan and smiled as well before bumping his shoulder against Kaidan’s.  
“Hey… The Normandy won’t be going to Earth until tomorrow morning and… I got the evening off. Want to join an officer and a gentleman for a proper dinner out?”

“I’d love to, but I’d feel bad about the gentleman we’d have to find. He’ll feel like the third wheel.”

“Funny, Kaidan.”

“It happens from time to time,” Kaidan grinned, making John laugh as they started walking towards the more populated area of the colony, away from the building that was used for social gatherings in relation to the church. 

“I know and I am surprised every time a joke comes out of your mouth. It’s such a rare occasion, I almost feel we have to call the news.”

“… Okay, for that one, you are buying me dinner, drinks and desert.”

“Damn, Lieutenant. You are not a cheap date.”

“I’m worth every credit though.”

John just grinned at Kaidan, wrapping his arm around Kaidan’s shoulder for a brief moment, long enough to give him a friendly squeeze before he removed it again. “That you are, LT. That you are.”

Taking everything into consideration, Kaidan wasn’t expecting a date. At least not a normal date. Hell, he wasn’t even sure if he was able to have a normal date anymore.  
This day was a special one as well. Hell, it was Ashley’s funeral for crying out loud. Being on a date with a man he felt strongly for, enjoying himself… It was kind of wrong.

But he couldn’t help it.

The restaurant they found was simple and while a few people recognized the famed Commander John Shepard, most left them alone. The Spectre-status earned them a nice, private table, slightly covered so they could hide from prying eyes. Not because of what they were doing, but because of who they were.  
“I do feel like a jack-ass though,” Shepard admitted as he said down, giving Kaidan a small grin. “Using my Spectre-status to get a perk or two.”

“I wouldn’t say privacy is a perk. Besides, the waiter was the one to suggest the table,” Kaidan replied, making Shepard chuckle.

“Glad to see that he man takes his job seriously, even if his hands trembled when he showed us the table.”

“I guess you just bring out the fan-boy in everyone. Like Conrad.”

Shepard pulled a face. “Don’t speak his name, Kaidan. You may summon him.”

“God forbid,” Kaidan mused, smirking lightly at Shepard before accepting a menu from the waiter, giving him a friendly nod and a soft “Thank you, sir”. “Besides, this is my date, not his,” he added after the waiter left, opening his menu to find something edible.

“Didn’t take you for a possessive man.”

“There are lots of things about me you don’t know, Commander,” Kaidan replied, not even looking up from the menu, but he couldn’t hide the playful smirk that was spreading on his lips. “Got to keep you on your toes.”

“At this rate the only thing you will give me is a heart-attack.”

“… Ouch. You are a cruel man, Shepard.”

Shepard just smiled back at Kaidan before turning his attention to his own menu. “Only with the people I like, Kaidan. Only with the people I like.”

“I’m not sure if I am insulted or flattered by now,” Kaidan mused before focusing on the menu.

He wasn’t sure if this was a date or not, but Kaidan could not deny that he was enjoying himself a lot.  
It was nice, seeing Shepard relax for a change, especially after the months they’d had with Saren and the Reapers. Sure, he could see that the cleaning task ahead was at the back of Shepard’s mind, it always would be until it was done, but the way he was smiling and laughing was enough to tell Kaidan that Shepard was plenty relaxed. There was a playful twinkle in his eyes and his lips were tugged into a very pleasing smile.

The food, consisting of a proper steak for Kaidan and chicken for Shepard, was excellent and the wine they ordered created a pleasant buzz in Kaidan’s skull, leaving him feeling warm and more than a little relaxed.  
They passed on desert and walked towards the hotel the Alliance had provided for them, wanting for their stay to be a bit more comfortable than the bunks on the Normandy, just chatting lightly and enjoying each other’s company.

Kaidan wasn’t sure what the rest of the evening would bring, but when he invited Shepard to his room for more beer he honestly wasn’t planning anything but beer.  
He supposed he had no right to be surprised, but it was surprising to feel a strong arm around his waist when he turned away from Shepard to face the fridge. 

“Shepard?”

Shepard didn’t answer, he just pulled Kaidan closer to him, blue eyes studying Kaidan’s face, looking for something. Looking for an answer to a question that hadn’t been aired by either one of them.

Kaidan decided to answer that question his own way. By placing a hand behind Shepard’s neck and pulling him in for a kiss.  
The sigh of relief that escaped Shepard along with the most enthusiastic kissing back was more than enough to tell Kaidan that he had given his Commander the right answer.

“How about you stay the night and we forget that beer,” Kaidan breathed against Shepard’s lips before he pulled Shepard’s bottom lip between his teeth, giving it a pull and a nip.

“Don’t mind if I do,” Shepard whispered back, his hands roaming over Kaidan’s back, going lower and lower with each swipe. It felt like an eternity before one strong hand found its way down to Kaidan’s rear, giving it a squeeze. The moan that escaped the biotic made Shepard chuckle and grin, and made Kaidan blush because of the way he sounded.  
“Like that, hmm?”

“Oh, shut up,” Kaidan growled as he pulled away from Shepard’s arm. Shepard looked confused for a second, but when the biotic took his hand and guided him to the bed, the grin on his face returned.  
“Or better yet, put that mouth to better use. I know you can do other things with that silver tongue of yours.”

“Don’t mind if I do,” Shepard murmured before leaning in to kiss Kaidan deeply, making his knees go weak from that alone.

The following night was as pleasurable as the night before Ilos had been, though with a bit more time put into it. They weren’t as desperate, as needy, as they had been then. They took their time exploring one another properly with both their hands and their lips, trying to find the best spots on each other’s bodies to get the reaction they wanted.  
The awkwardness from their first time together was gone as well, not that there had been much of it in the first place, replaced completely with a strange sense of comfort, familiarity. Kaidan couldn’t quite place it, not able to remember a time when he had felt this relaxed with a partner before, but the only answer he could come up with was Shepard. It was Shepard. Plain and simple.

It wasn’t long before the mood shifted from playful to more sensual. Kaidan could feel Shepard’s cock pressing against his thigh, hard and pulsing from need. His own responded in kind, sliding against Shepard’s hip, making Shepard groan.  
Kaidan wasn’t sure when Shepard’s hand went between his legs, but the feel of a lubed up finger pressing and teasing over his entrance made his body tremble from the memory of Shepard inside him, expecting and welcoming that feel again.

They were more secure this time, more sure in what they were doing.  
With time on their side, they could enjoy the act even more, so when Shepard finally slid between Kaidan’s legs, the head of his cock pressing against his ass, there was no hesitation. 

“Come on, Commander,” Kaidan moaned, not caring that he was begging. He wanted this, needed this. “Need you bad.”

“Who am I to say no,” Shepard whispered, leaning in to kiss Kaidan at the same time as he pushed into Kaidan’s body.  
The groan that escaped Kaidan was devoured by the hot kiss. It seemed like Shepard was unwilling to let Kaidan catch his breath for long, even as he started to move in a firm pace. Kaidan let his hands run up over Shepard’s back, nails scraping over the tanned skin as he moved them downwards, down towards Shepard’s ass. He gripped the firm globes hard and pushed the man closer towards him, wanting to feel more. Wanting to feel everything Shepard could give him.

Shepard seemed happy to comply, grabbing Kaidan’s ankles and held them firmly as he started picking up speed.  
It felt strange, being completely exposed for John, but he wanted it that way. He wanted John’s eyes on him and him alone.

Not that he had anything to fear.  
Shepard’s eyes were positively hungry as they roamed over Kaidan’s body and it wasn’t long before Shepard released his legs in favour of getting Kaidan up from the bed, pulling him up and onto his lap.  
The shift in position let Shepard slide deeper into Kaidan’s body, which in turn made the biotic more vocal. His biotics were already rippling over his skin from the pleasure, creating a friction between them that sent shivers down Kaidan’s spine.

Wrapping his own arms around Shepard’s shoulders, Kaidan started to ride him, rocking against his lover, feeling his own cock sandwiched between their bodies as they moved. His biotics continued to manifest, washing over Shepard’s own body, pulling them both closer together and earning a deep moan from his Commander.

Kaidan leaned in to kiss Shepard hard before pushing his upper body down onto the bed, keeping him in place with his hands and his biotics as he started riding him harder and faster. He didn’t even make an attempt to cover the hoarse sounds of pleasure escaping from his mouth, tossing his head back as he felt the end build up in his balls.  
Shepards’ hands kept on roaming over his body, sliding over his chest, down over his sides and Kadian wasn’t sure if it was his own blood roaring in his ears, but he could have sworn he heard Shepard whisper a hoarse “Damn, you’re gorgeous, LT.”  
Maybe it was his imagination. He didn’t care. It didn’t matter.

He wasn’t sure how much time passed before their movements turned more frantic, more firm as they neared their climax.  
At one point Shepard put his hands on Kaidan’s hips, slowing him down ever so slightly, just enough to stretch out their session for a little while longer. Kaidan was happy for that fact, wanting for the moment to last as long as possible, but also finding it to be pure torture. 

Shepard wasn’t making it any easier either, looking at Kaidan with that intense look, hands sliding over Kaidan’s thigh, thumb teasing over the sensitive insides, barely brushing over his balls. That downright evil smirk playing on the Commander’s lips.  
Shepard was toying with him. Kaidan just knew it.

But two could play that game.

Smirking back, Kaidan started working his muscles, squeezing and caressing over the hard shaft inside him while moving slowly up and down.  
His biotics washed back over Shepard’s body, teasing over the muscles, finding all the “secret” spots that made Shepard groan with pleasure.

It wasn’t long before Shepard’s hips started moving with more gusto, pressing up against Kaidan’s ass, slowly at first, then adding more force to the movements.  
Kaidan responded in kind, increasing the movements as he started to ride Shepard properly, showing no mercy as he rocked on top of the younger man.  
He gave Shepard a heated look, locking their eyes together. He could feel Shepard’s hands run down his arms until they found Kaidan’s own hands, grasping them and entwining their fingers together.  
The hands shifted after that, coming to a rest above Shepard’s head, making Kaidan bend towards Shepard, just enough for the Commander to lean up with ease to kiss the Lieutenant.

Time seemed to melt away as they rocked together and before long Kaidan could feel the familiar tightness to his balls, alerting him about his up-coming finish.  
Shepard, probably feeling the way Kaidan’s movements became more frantic and irregular, slipped a hand between their bodies, grasping and rubbing at Kaidan’s dick, providing that extra stimulus. The other hand was brought to Kaidan’s neck, keeping him down, making their foreheads pressing together, giving him frantic, but brief kisses as the Commander’s own movements picked up in strength.  
Kaidan gripped hard at the bed sheets as he tried to draw out the moment as long as he could, but in the end it was a battle he couldn’t, and wouldn’t want to win.

Feeling his breath hitch at the back of his throat, Kaidan thrust back against Shepard a couple of more times before coming with a hoarse, throaty groan, spilling himself over Shepard’s hand and belly as the Commander kept jerking him off. His body was shuddering from the pleasure, his entire being feeling more sensitive as Shepard kept pushing into him. Almost as if on autopilot, Kaidan pushed back, wanting Shepard to reach his own finish.

It didn’t take long before Shepard too reached his finish, slamming his hips hard up against Kaidan before spilling himself deeply into the biotics body with a silent gasp.  
With a satisfied smile, Kaidan lowered himself down onto Shepard’s body, just laying there listening to his heartbeat, feeling the way he breathed from the movement of his chest as well as the warm breath washing against his sweaty forehead.  
Strong arms shifted, wrapping themselves around Kaidan’s body, squeezing him firmly, keeping him in place.

“Wow…”

Kaidan chuckled and kissed Shepard’s chest tenderly, giving the softening dick inside him a light squeeze with his anal-muscles.  
“You sound surprised.”

“Just… Amazed,” Shepard murmured, pressing a kiss back at Kaidan’s forehead. “Makes me wonder why I’m not doing this more often.”

“Because you’re married to your job,” Kaidan replied as he tilted his head up to kiss Shepard briefly, then slowly pushing himself up and off his lover with a small grunt.  
Shepard would have none of that though, keeping his arms around Kaidan and tugging him back.

“The pot calling the kettle black. Besides… Where do you think you’re going, LT?”

“To clean up your mess,” Kaidan smirked, swatting Shepard’s hand away. “I’ll be back, I promise.”

“I’ll be waiting,” Shepard murmured, smirking as he finally pulled his arms away.

True to his word, Kaidan returned after a few minutes, walking a bit stiffly and carrying a towel with him.  
Shepard was still lying on his back, one arm behind his head. When seeing Kaidan, he smiled and held his free hand out. “C’mere, you.”

“Coming,” Kaidan mused, sitting down onto the bed and carefully wiped Shepard’s belly and dick clean.  
“There,” he murmured, tossing the towel away and leaned in to give Shepard a kiss. 

One kiss turned into two, then Shepard dragged Kaidan into his arms, covering them both with the discarded blanket.  
“This has been a good night,” he murmured while Kaidan settled his head on Shepard’s shoulder, one arm wrapped across Shepard’s chest.

“It has,” Kaidan agreed, though now that the passion had settled, a small sense of guilt was washing over him.  
They really were a piece of work, having sex on the day of Ashley’s funeral.

As if knowing what Kaidan was thinking, Shepard gave his waist a squeeze.  
“Hey. Don’t feel bad. Today has been a day of remembrance and honour. And what better way is it to honour those who gave their lives for us, than living our lives to the max?”

Kaidan snorted some and rolled onto his back, keeping himself within Shepard’s grasp, but removing his own hand from around Shepard. “Do you know how terrible it sounds when we actually have to justify having sex?”

“We’re already breaking the rules on fraternization,” Shepard mused, trying to bring Kaidan in closer again. “Might as well go all the way.”

“You, Commander, truly are terrible,” Kaidan murmured, finally giving in and rolling back against Shepard so he could give him a kiss.

“You’re the one serving under me,” Shepard replied before inhaling deeply, closing his eyes as the day finally started catching up to him.  
Kaidan couldn’t blame him. He was feeling plenty drained himself.

“Keep that up, Shepard, and we’ll see how long I will continue to serve under you,” Kaidan quipped back, leaving it to Shepard to interpret that as he pleased. In Kaidan’s mind, it was something they had to discuss together, sooner rather than later, but he wanted to know Shepard’s view on it.

“You’re not going anywhere,” Shepard simply said, tightening his arm around Kaidan. “In any way.”

“Let’s talk about that later,” Kaidan murmured, leaning up to give Shepard one last kiss before nuzzling his face against Shepard’s neck. “When we’re both awake and a tad more sober.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Shepard yawned, turning his head and burying his nose into Kaidan’s now more unruly hair. Seemed like no amount of hair gel and static charges from his biotics were a match for a proper round of fucking.  
Not that Kaidan cared a lick about his hair right now.

For now, he was enjoying the closeness between him and Shepard, allowing himself to relax which in turn made him turn dozy.  
Life, he had to admit, was feeling pretty darn good about now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since I've been so slow and busy lately, I made this chapter extra long! Hope you enjoy. :)


	19. Missing Limb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan looses a part of himself...

It was supposed to be a routine-mission.

That’s what the brass had told them since they started the damn mission in the Terminus System, looking for lost ships and Geth.  
For four days they had been scanning the area, finding nothing.

Then they had arrived.

Everything had happened to fast, too fast for Kaidan to really register what the hell was going on. He was going on autopilot. He supposed all those years of training for emergencies were finally paying off, but he would have preferred that he would never have to use them in the first place.  
Still, as set as he was on getting people to safety, there was still one clear thought left in his head as he rushed down the halls of the Normandy, dodging fire and sparks from the ruined electronics, bumping past people fleeing.   
He had to be crazy, going towards the danger instead of running away with the others.

When he found Shepard, the man was as cool and collected as always. He was suited up and was already trying to get the fire in the back under control, buying his crew time to escape. Buying the Normandy time.   
Kaidan informed him about the situation on the other side, about Joker refusing to leave. Telling Shepard that he wouldn’t leave him.   
The only thing he could remember clearly after that was Shepard telling him to get people into the escape-pods while he was getting Joker. 

No, that was wrong. Shepard ordered him, knowing that Kaidan wouldn’t refuse a direct order.

Kaidan should have disobeyed. He should have been the one to do get Joker.  
He had known Joker didn’t want to abandon ship, he should have skipped the chain of command and just gone for him.  
He should have ignored Shepard when he had told him to get out.

Now he was sitting in an empty escape-shuttle, having fallen back there in order to think. In order to digest what the hell had happened.  
His hands were shaking, his mouth felt dry, he was nauseas and he had the migraine of a life-time crawling up into his skull, leaving it pounding.  
He didn’t really feel any of it.

All he could think about was had happened just ten minutes ago.

As soon as the escape-pods had landed, Kaidan had done a check-up on the remaining crew, trying to confirm who was where, who were still alive and if there was anyone who needed urgent medical help.  
In retrospect, those who had escaped had been lucky. Whoever had targeted the Normandy had been completely uninterested in the pods.

He had been damn lucky.

This was also the reason why the message from Joker had almost overwhelmed him. He had felt physically ill, nauseas. He knew he had frozen on the spot, eyes staring at Joker in disbelief. There were so many things he had wanted to ask, he had wanted to scream and shout. He wanted to blame Joker, but he also wanted to blame himself.

“Lieutenant Alenko… Kaidan… I… Shit. Shepard… Shepard didn’t make it to the damn pod. It… He got spaced.” Joker had gritted his teeth, his head so low that his cap was completely hiding his eyes. “Shit, it’s my fault...”

The croaked out “Thank you, Lieutenant. Then… Then we know that,” that escaped him had surprised Kaidan. Even if his voice had been hoarse, it had been clear and unwavering.  
He was surprised he had managed to get out anything even if it had sounded completely neutral.  
Sometimes autopilot was a good thing, he supposed.

It didn’t last long though.

As soon as he had gotten the emergency pylon up and running, and divided the staff into groups, he had retreated back to one of the escape-pods. He just needed a moment for… He wasn’t really sure.  
He was still feeling downright numb, like he wasn’t sure how the hell he was supposed to react. He expected anger, sorrow, anything, but instead he just felt… Nothing. Empty.

So Kaidan ended up just sitting there, staring out into the air, feeling his body tremble ever so slightly, his breathing slightly faster than normal.  
If he didn’t know better, Kaidan would have sworn he was going into shock.

Kaidan couldn’t really remember clearly what went down after he went into the pod.  
Seemed like the destruction of the Normandy was investigated rather quickly; Kaidan guessed that was the work of the pylons as well as the loss of signal since the Alliance liked to keep a tag of the ship after all the shit that had happened over the last year.  
How much time had passed, Kaidan wasn’t sure, but he guessed it hadn’t been more than forty-eight hours.   
He barely remembered briefing the captain in charge of their rescue about the situation, then talking to Admiral Hackett over a private com-link once he and the crew had been safely brought into the ship. Unlike what had happened at the Normandy, Kaidan had not left the area until every single person who had survived had been brought safely to the ship first.

It was almost as if a small part of him wanted for –something- to happen so he could make up for what had happened at the Normandy, even if he knew so very well that he probably couldn’t have done anything different.  
For now, he could only try to do what Shepard would have done and that was getting the crew home.

Hackett took the news of Shepard’s death as well as one could expect. Not that Kaidan was surprised. Hackett was a soldier: tough. Used to hard missions and hard news. But even an idiot could see the grief in the older man’s eyes, even if his composure and expression was as professional as always.  
Kaidan was sure his own posture mirrored Hackett’s: professional on the outside, grieving on the inside.

Of course, there was that tiny difference between him and Hackett.  
While Hackett had been a close friend of Shepard’s: a teacher as well as his superior, Kaidan had been that little extra. 

Now he understood why fraternization was so frowned upon. It wasn’t only the risk of distraction or a weakness.  
It was the grief and the pain the other was left when the loved one died.   
The anger and the desire to simple throw everything out the window and hunt down the sons of bitches that had killed their other half, not caring about the risks and the danger.

The trip back to the Citadel had been quiet and, thankfully, uneventful.  
It had been the logical choice to go there. Anderson, having been made Councillor by Shepard’s suggestion, wanted to talk to Kaidan personally and it was the closest station compared to Earth.  
During the trip, Kaidan had mostly been left alone and while he tried to make himself useful on the ship, he could feel himself drift in and out of focus, not really registering what the hell was going on around him.  
He was numb and he was guessing that the shock was finally overriding the autopilot he had been on. He was not looking forward to when the numbness finally passed so he could taste that grief.

Neither Anderson nor Hackett, appearing by holo-call, kept him for long when he was called into Anderson’s office to give his report. He didn’t even protest when they told him that they would pull him out of active duty for a while in order to recover from the ordeal.   
Oh, he had wanted to. But that part of him that would always be a soldier, that responsible part of him that he wanted to go to hell, understood. Like this, the risk of him doing something wrong was way too big. A soldier in shock risked not only his own life but the life of others.  
It was just common sense.  
But he also wanted a distraction so he could put off that grief for as long as he could. Thinking about other things helped prevent the thoughts of straying to Shepard for too long.

When the call finished and Kaidan got up to leave, Anderson placed a hand on his shoulder, preventing him from leaving.  
“Son, I want to talk to you some more. In private.”

“Sir?”

Anderson held his hand up. “No sir here, Alenko. Please. Have a seat.”

Kaidan took a seat on the chair Anderson was gesturing towards, looking up at the older man with a wary look.   
Anderson moved to sit on his desk, facing Kaidan with a somewhat tired look on his face. The man had probably slept as little as Kaidan had. The Council was riding him something fierce and in-between the hushing up of the Reapers, the cover-ups and in general politics, the death of the first human Spectre was ill-timed.  
Not only that, but Anderson and Shepard had been close, closer than Hackett and Shepard had been.   
Heck, maybe closer than Kaidan and Shepard had been.

“I’d like for you to do a few things for me, Alenko,” Anderson started, snapping Kaidan out of his small chain of thoughts.  
“Two things, to be precise.”

“Anything, sir.”

“First things first. While you are off active duty, I want you to talk to someone.”  
Anderson held his hands up, silencing the lieutenant before he could even speak.  
“I have lost people as well, Alenko. And I know you and Shepard were good friends. Close. You bonded, which I am happy you did. He spoke highly off you, said you had been an asset he couldn’t have been without during this conflict.”

If Anderson noticed how Kaidan’s cheeks seemed to burn, he had the good grace not to comment on it.  
“I… I didn’t know that, sir. He… He was a good friend to me as well.”

Anderson nodded. “Loosing a fellow soldier is one thing. Loosing a brother in arm is another. You worked closely together during a difficult mission. That does something, Alenko. It brings a close friendship unlike any other. It was easy to see, in both your and Shepard’s reports, that you two were able to work with a trust and level of comfort as if you were brothers.”  
He shook his head a little bit, looking away from Kaidan for just a moment. “And the way that things went down, according to you and flight lieutenant Moreau, was especially rough. I can see the signs, Alenko. And I want you to take a few sessions with an alliance psychologist. Just to air your thoughts out. Can you do that for me?”

“I…” Kaidan bit his bottom lip. He wasn’t really comfortable around shrinks. It wasn’t exactly a secret that he kept things to himself. He had better control that way.  
But he also knew that Anderson was right. Airing things out… It could help, even just a little bit.  
“Yes, sir. I can do that.”

“Good man. Before you do that though, take a week or so off. Go visit your parents. They are in Vancouver, are you not?”

Kaidan nodded. “Yes sir.”

“Then go see them. Take some time off and relax. You will be off duty for about a month, paid of course. I want you to see the physiatrist twice a week for that month, then I'll ask for an evaluation so I can see if you can be put back on active duty. That understood?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Good. The second thing I want you to do for me, Alenko, is a bit… More personal.”

Kaidan swallowed heavily. He did not like the sound of that. “Sir?”

Anderson sighed some and ran a hand over the short hair on his head. “Shepard’s funeral here is in three days. What he did for the Council and the Citadel, let alone the galaxy, was more than enough for the Council and they want to erect a grave here. Since Shepard had no family or next in kin, I couldn’t protest it.”  
He elder man looked at Kaidan, locking their gaze together and holding it. “But he had you. You were the one who got to know him the best over the last months. You worked with him, fought with him, spoke to him.”

“What do you want me to do,” Kaidan asked, his voice cracking a little bit.

“I want you to say a few words at his ceremony. All of the old Normandy crew will, of course, be welcome and invited. I will be handling the arrangements and I will call you and a few others in a couple of days, if that is okay.”

Kaidan just stared at Anderson, opening and closing his mouth a couple of times. “You… You want me to..?”

“Say a few words, yes. If you think you are up for it, Alenko. I know it’s a hard job and I know you are grieving,” Anderson started, then fell silent as Kaidan lifted his hand and shook his head.

“No, don’t… Don’t say anything, please. I…” He swallowed before giving Anderson a firm nod.   
“I’d be honoured to speak at Shepard’s funeral, sir, but I don’t know if I can do it justice…”

“I cannot think of anyone better than you to speak, Alenko,” Anderson murmured, shifting off the desk and walked over to the biotic, placing a warm, friendly hand on his shoulder.  
“You are a good man. I didn’t need Shepard to tell me that, I saw it the first time I saw you. You are honest, fair. Kind. If anyone can make Shepard justice, it’s you.”

“No pressure, huh?” Kaidan said, trying to force up a smile.  
To Anderson’s credit, the older man managed better than he did.

“None at all.”

He patted Kaidan one last time on the shoulder before releasing him, returning to his desk. “That would be it for now though, Alenko. You should get yourself a proper meal and some rest. You’ve had a tough few days.”

“Yes, sir. Thank you, sir,” Kaidan replied, standing up somewhat stiffly, his mind was already spinning. A speech in Shepard’s honour… What the hell was he even going to say? There was so much he –wanted- to say, but unless he wanted to piss on Shepard’s honour, he couldn’t utter a word of it.  
This was both an honour and so damn painful at the same time.  
He didn’t blame Anderson, of course. He didn’t know what he and Shepard had become, if there was even a word for it. More than fuck-buddies, but not quite lovers…

He walked out of Anderson’s office, almost running into Udina on the way. He mumbled a quick “My apologizes, sir,” as he stepped away from him, not noticing the sour look on the man’s face.  
He was way too wrapped up in his own thoughts by now.

Kaidan didn’t have an apartment at the Citadel, but the Alliance did have a base with rooms for their personnel. It would do for now, especially since he couldn’t go anywhere until after the funeral.

Still, there was one thing he could do…

As soon as he had been handed the key card to the room he would be using, Kaidan sat down onto the bed to make a quick phone call. There was no need to unpack, everything he had had been destroyed when the Normandy went down.   
It didn’t even take ten seconds before his call went through and the sound of the warm, female voice that answered made him feel a little bit better.

“Hey, mom. Say, how would you like to have a visitor in about four days..?”


	20. Good-Bye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan says good-bye...

While Ashley’s funeral had been small, intimate and beautiful, Shepard’s funeral was almost blown out of proportions.  
If Shepard had seen it, he would have been rolling around in his own grave. Of course, the casket was empty so there was always that…  
And like then, Kaidan was there, dressed in his official Alliance uniform, said uniform pressed to perfection, medals hanging from his chest, cleanly shaved and hair slicked back into its usual style.

That Anderson was there was no surprise, seeing as he had taken on arranging the funeral himself. He had tried his very best to keep it simple, but the Council proved to be as difficult as ever. In the end, they had managed to compromise somewhat, but it was still turned into a huge thing.

Since Shepard hadn’t belonged to any specific faiths, nor had any personal documents that had stated any specific wishes, they wouldn’t enlist the services of a priest or anything like that.  
Instead the honour landed on the human Councillor, namely Anderson, to perform the burial, which he did with both pleasure and a heavy heart.

Like they had with Ashley, the casket that was carried was empty, which felt equally wrong. They both had deserved so much better…  
Despite this, Kaidan grabbed a hold of the top-right handle with his hand and hoisted it up to his shoulder. For some reason though, it felt a lot heavier to carry compared to Ashley’s. Maybe because Shepard had been carrying it right along with him and now… Now Kaidan was carrying it alone.

Well... Not entirely alone.  
It was no surprise that all the people they’d met, all the people they’d helped and made a difference for were there.

Alongside Kaidan were Garrus, Wrex and Joker, all helping in carrying the burden that weighted more on their minds and hearts than actually carrying the chest itself did.  
Garrus was on the top-left side of the casket, carrying it along side with Kaidan. It turned out that Turian burial traditions weren’t as different from humans, their dead ones carried to their final resting places in a similar fashion.  
Wrex was carrying it too, standing on the same side as Garrus and for a Krogan, he was oddly quiet, holding his given side with a surprising gentleness that Kaidan had never seen in the Krogan. Kaidan knew that Krogan usually burned their dead on a pyre, but Wrex had asked little to no questions about the human traditions. Death was a serious business, even for a trigger-happy race as the Krogans.   
Because of his size, he had been given the back of the casket to hold, something Wrex took with an almost deadly pride as he held the handle the best he could with one hand, his right arm going underneath the chest to help support it.  
The position also helped make up for Joker who couldn’t carry the casket. Instead he was following in his hover chair on the caskets’ right side. He wasn’t left out though. There had been a white, silken ribbon tied to his handle and he was holding the end off it tightly, as if he could channel his willpower into it and help carry it that way.

They didn’t really need any others to carry it, they were more than strong enough for it, but two other soldiers were there to help out. One had been in Shepard’s N7 program, but had dropped out when he reached N5.  
The last one was Chief Engineer Adams, who looked like he felt out of place. Still, Shepard had talked to the man as much as any other of the Normandy’s crewmembers and Kaidan felt he belonged just as much as the rest of them.

As they walked, Kaidan could see the others, standing amongst the crowd. Personal friends had been sorted from the general public thanks to those who knew Shepard the best, giving them proper spots so they could mourn.  
Liara was easy to spot, dressed in a whole black outfit, her expression more openly grieving now. It was a little strange, since when her mother had died, she had hardly showed any sorrow at all. Then again, Kaidan wouldn’t be surprised if everything came to her at once now. He didn’t know if she had had any ceremonies for her mother, but Liara had been there when Ashley had been buried, in the back with the rest of the non-human friends they had made. While they all had been on good terms with Ash, they had chosen to linger a little behind in respect for Ashley’s family.  
They had even left before Kaidan and Shepard had because they didn’t know about the tradition of a human wake.

Next to Liara was Tali, standing a little out in her purple and yellow suit, but she had tied a black band around her arm in respect.  
Because of the mask, it was hard to understand if the Quarian was sad or not, but Kaidan could tell by the way Tali was gripping at Liara’s arm, her thin form slightly shrunken. The way her shoulders slightly trembled indicated that she was also crying.

Chakwas was standing next to them, looking like she was fighting back tears. Kaidan had to admire the woman for her restrains. After all, the woman had known Shepard, inside out, both figuratively and literally.

It was a heavy day for all of them, but they were in it together.  
Even if their non-human friends had left the Normandy once the business with Saren had been dealt with, they had all kept in touch.   
Saving the galaxy seemed to have created a special bond between them, one that wasn’t easily severed.

The casket was placed on the metal supports over the dug-up grave, small mass-effect fields helping in holding it up, preventing it from falling into the hole.

After stepping away from the casket and taking their place with the rest of the crowd, Anderson stepped up to it, head held high and dressed in his own official Alliance uniform. It suited him better, Kaidan thought, than the Councillor outfit. It honoured not only Shepard, but everything Shepard believed in. What Shepard had given his life for.

The crowd remained silent as Anderson merely looked at Shepard’s casket, and then straightened up.  
“I have attended many a soldier’s funeral,” he said, placing his hands behind his back. “Every man and woman that has died under my command, I remember. They have all died doing their duty, died for what they believed in. Given their lives so that others could see another day.”  
He inhaled deeply. “Shepard… Went beyond that. Went beyond his duty, gave everything he could in order to save as many people as he could. Species didn’t matter to him, neither did gender nor age. Life had worth to him and he gladly gave his so others could live. That was the kind of man he was and always had been. Putting others before himself. Doing whatever he could to make sure that life was preserved and peace was restored.”  
Anderson smiled a little as he gazed into the air, but the gesture was one of sadness, brought out by fond memories.  
“I remember when I first met Shepard. He was nothing more than a bony, stubborn boy from the streets. Even then he had a look in his eyes; a look of sheer determination. And the boy worked hard as well and he never once complained. The Alliance was sceptical to him at first, thinking he would be trouble because of his background, but Shepard is a perfect example of not judging a book by its cover. And because he got that chance with the Alliance, he grabbed it with both hands and he made the very best out of it. And he got results. He left a mark that will never be forgotten, never be removed, as a soldier, as a man. As a human being. He made us proud. He made us all proud.”

Anderson glanced towards Kaidan before nodding at him. “But as much as I knew him as a soldier, others knew him as a friend. A companion. Knew the man under the uniform. And it is only right that the one who worked the closest with the Commander gets to say a few words.”  
He gestured towards Kaidan. “Staff Lieutenant Alenko, if you could..?”

Kaidan nodded as he walked up to Anderson. The Councillor gave his shoulder a quick pat before he stepped to the side, letting all of the attention land on the biotic.  
For the briefest of moments he almost wished that he had been the one in the casket. Public speeches weren’t exactly his strong-point…  
But then he thought about Shepard and steeled himself. He could do this for him.

“I didn’t know Shepard for long,” Kaidan started, inhaling deeply. “But time has a different meaning when you’re in space, serving together on a ship. You are so close together for so many hours of the day that many of us became as good friends in days as others would become in weeks. And Shepard… Shepard was everybody’s friend. Because he cared about people. He knew his own weaknesses, his strengths, and he knew the value of team-work. He was our boss when he had to be and our friend when we needed one.”  
Kaidan swallowed heavily, trying his best to keep himself composed. There was so much he wanted to say, but couldn’t… He didn’t want to dirty Shepard’s memory by spilling those beans.  
But he could speak of the man with as much fondness as he could.

“When I first met Shepard, I expected a… Legend. A God amongst men, so to speak. We had all heard of him, what he had done. His accomplishments, despite his young age. And while Shepard was all that and so much more, he was something far more important. He was human. He was a normal guy with all the flaws and insecurities as any other person.”  
He allowed himself to smile a little. “He couldn’t dance if his life depended on it. He needed two cups of coffee when he woke up or he’d be cranky all day. His sense of humour was as dry as the surface on Mars. But he also had a heart the size of the universe. You could depend on him, you could talk to him. No matter how big or small your problem was, he would make time for you if you needed it.   
“All that and more shaped Shepard, gave him character. He didn’t want to be seen as some sort of superhero, he never did. What you saw was what he was. Because Shepard was the most selfless person I’ve ever had the pleasure of serving beneath and I am damn proud to have called him my Commander and my friend.”

Kaidan let out a small, sad chuckle as he shook his head, lowering his gaze back onto the casket. “When the Councillor asked me to say a few today… I sat up the entire night, trying to come up with something good. Something worthy of Shepard’s memory. But I couldn’t. None of the right words would appear so… I’m winging it. In a way, I think I am honouring Shepard the best way by doing it like this. Speaking directly from the heart. He once said that… If I had any flaws, then it was beating around the bush. Being unable to speak directly in certain situation.”  
His lips tugged into a sad, curvy smile as he gave the empty casket a salute. “Well, Shepard… This one’s for you.”

He took a step back, back towards the rest of the group. He felt Garrus’ hand on his shoulder, giving it a squeeze before the Turian murmured, “Damn fine speech” in a low voice.  
Joker cleared his throat hard and looked straight ahead, his pilot-cap pulled down far enough to hide his eyes. Even in the shadows though, Kaidan could see they were misty.

The Council stepped forward and said a few words of their own, but Kaidan barely listened to them. They words were so flourished, so overdone that he couldn’t help but feel that they rang hollow.  
They didn’t know Shepard. Didn’t know the man they had made the first human Spectre.

Time became fleeting and before Kaidan could gather his thoughts, it was all over.   
Anderson said a few last words and, because it was tradition, sprinkled some dirt over the casket as the mass effect fields slowly lowered the casket into the hole. 

People came up to the hole, gazing down into it as they gave their final respects. Sobs and small words of praise and gratitude were murmured, but the Normandy crew lingered behind. Only when the last of the crowd was gone did they step up together, just gazing at the grave without speaking a word.

“He was too young,” Liara said in a low voice, breaking the silence after a few minutes.   
“He wasn’t supposed to go out like this…”

“If I’ve been there,” Wrex growled, but he didn’t finish the sentence. He probably knew that there was probably nothing he could have done, except maybe tossing Joker head-first into an escape pod.

“There’s nothing we could have done differently,” Garrus said, his mandibles lying firmly against his face.   
“You know how Shepard was. He would have done the exact same thing as… Well. As he did then. He probably would have carried you into a pod himself.”

Wrex let out a small snort. “He could have tried at least,” he grunted before he tossed one last look at the casket, then turned away, leaving the rest behind. What he was planning now was anyone’s guess, but Kaidan was willing to bet that the Krogan was going to grieve in his own way, which probably involved crushing something to bits.  
The small group slowly broke up as they left one by one. Handshakes and hugs were exchanged, as well as promises to stay in touch.   
Soon only Kaidan and Joker were standing by Shepard’s grave, just staring at the stone-slap that carried Shepard’s name.

“So what now,” Joker finally said, not looking up at Kaidan. “What will happen to us now…?”

Kaidan shrugged. “I don’t know,” he murmured.  
“I’ve been given some leave to recover as well as direct orders to see a psychiatrist for a few weeks. Then we’ll see.”

Joker snorted. “You too, huh?”

“It was a… Horrible experience,” Kaidan said slowly. “They have to make sure that we are still… Capable before we can return to active duty.”

“I won’t.”

Kaidan raised an eyebrow at Joker. “Pardon?”

“I won’t return to active duty. Not as a fighter-pilot anyway. I only got to pilot the Normandy because of Captain Anderson anyway and even then I was lucky. Doesn’t matter that I am one of the best pilots out there, with my brittle china bones and with what happened now with the Normandy, I’ll be lucky if the Alliance will let me pilot a fucking transport-shuttle. Which I won’t do anyway.”

“What are you saying, Joker..?”

“I’m saying that… I’m leaving, I guess,” Joker said, sighing some. “I… I need to do some thinking, you know..? If I can’t fly a frigate or a cruiser then… Well. Then I got nothing, Kaidan. Flying is my life, I feel like I can do anything when I make even the toughest ship dance under my fingers. Flying shuttles, it’s… I just can’t. Call me bigheaded if you want, but it’s what I am trained for. It’s what I do. It’ll be like… They took you and put you behind a desk and made you a damn secretary.”

Kaidan nodded some, taking in Joker’s words. He understood, he really did. If he got the message that he was unfit for active duty and stuck him behind a desk… Sure, he had the Intel-gathering under his belt as well as some general training as a medic as well as an engineer, but the latter two were combat oriented. Field medic and combat engineer. If he had to start from scratch, then he could might as well find something else to do.  
Then again, Joker was also taking the bad news ahead of time. It wasn’t certain that the Alliance would prevent him from flying combat-ships again, but he could understand the concern.   
“Yeah. Yeah, I hear you,” he finally said, just looking down at the grave.   
“Just… Promise me that you will think about it, okay? Chew on it for a bit and just… Talk to the Alliance. Okay?”

“I’m done thinking about it, but okay. For you, I’ll think about it,” Joker said, trying to crack a smile, but even Kaidan could see that it was empty.

“Thank you,” he said instead, giving the pilot a nod with his head before continuing to gaze at the name carved into the headstone.  
No fancy digital headstone here. It was a good old rock carved with good old craftsmanship. Simple, just Shepard’s name and assumed date of birth as well as his date of passing. Underneath the date was a final salute, but it gave Kaidan a distaste in his mouth.  
‘War hero and first human Spectre.’  
So cold and impersonal.  
He’d have to see if he couldn’t do something else when he went to earth. Just put up a little something in the cemetery in Vancouver. Just so people could remember Shepard for more than just his merits, even if they were big ones.

“So when do you think they will name the first frigate after him?” Joker asked, making Kaidan chuckle some.

“I dunno… SSV Shepard..? Not sure if I love or hate the idea.”

“Definitely hate it. Shepard would too, which is probably why the Council will do it,” Joker mused, fiddling with the electric panel on his hover chair.   
“Sometimes it felt like they lived to make Shepard pissed off.”

“I’m sure they had their reasons,” Kaidan said with a soft sigh. “Shitty ones, but reasons none the less.”

“Yeah. And they do owe Shepard their lives. In more ways than one, but hell if they acknowledge that,” Joker mumbled, a hint of disgust in his voice.  
Kaidan couldn’t blame him. He was plenty disgusted with the attempted cover-up as well. He could understand that the Council didn’t want to scare the universe, but covering up the threat in the way they were doing, basically denying the existence of a very real threat…

“So where are you going after this? You going to the wake?”

Kaidan snapped out of his thoughts, even shaking his head a little. “No, I… I don’t think so, actually. Maybe for a little while, but… I dunno, this entire thing has given me a bad taste in my mouth.”

Joker nodded. “Agreed. Was thinking about hitting Choras Den or Flux, gonna ask if the others want to join in. I want to honour Shepard properly instead of hanging out with that crowd.”

“You know… I think I will join in on that.” Kaidan’s lips tugged into a small smile. 

“Yeah? Staff Lieutenant ‘By-the-Books’ is willing to join us crazy people on one last drink for our Commander?”

“Hey, I’m by the books, not a bloody idiot.”

Joker grinned. “Never took you for one!”

***

It was rowdy, it was loud, horrible techno-music was playing and scarcely clothed Asari dancers were performing on platforms over the bar and on the table. The people there, even those who had been at the funeral, were having a good time. That was the good thing about a bar such as Chora’s Den. It never changed and right now, it was exactly what the crew needed in order to relax some.  
It was exactly the send-off Shepard would have preferred.

Kaidan hadn’t planned on more than a drink or two, but halfway down into his fifth whiskey he realised that, hell. He didn’t want to go home alone. He didn’t want to go to his room and sleep there on his own.  
He wasn’t after someone to get laid with, but he wasn’t ready to tackle the night just yet.

Joker looked more than ready to check out, laying halfway slumped over the table, ranting on about how much he missed Shepard and the Normandy and what a “fucking a-hole of a decent human being” Shepard had been.  
Tali had passed out a long time ago and, with the help of a less than steady Liara, had been brought to the closest, and cleanest, hotel they could find.  
Garrus and Wrex had their arm around each others shoulders, singing an old Krogan war song horribly off-key, swinging their drink around, spilling the blue liquid from the glass onto the table.  
Kaidan himself was pleasantly buzzed, feeling the warmth from his whiskey spread in his body, making his mind just float around in whichever way it wanted.  
Mostly it floated to thoughts of Shepard, but thankfully, at least for the moment, the thoughts were good. He could handle it. If he started crying into his drink, he would consider going back.

When Wrex bellowed out “HE HAD BIGGER QUADS THAN MOST OF US!” at the top of his lungs and slammed his glass onto the table, shattering the glass and almost denting the metal surface of the table, Kaidan figured it was time to go. Especially when C-Sec came to arrest the Krogan, which led to a good old bar fight between Wrex and whoever were stupid enough to fight him.  
Garrus made a half-hearted attempt at stopping C-Sec from joining the fight, hinting for them to use the stun-gun right away, but when they ignored him, he paid for his drinks and turned to Kaidan. “What say you we get out of here?”

Kaidan was more than happy to leave and as the pair walked to the exit, Wrex yelled out a “See you pups later!” making them both grin ever so slightly.

“Some things never change and thank the spirits for that,” Garrus mused as they wandered past the taxi-stop and headed towards the upper sections of the area.

“It just wouldn’t be the same without a least one Krogan wrecking the bar,” Kaidan replied with a small smile, looking over at Garrus.  
“Think he will be okay though?”

“Wrex? I’m sure he will. I’m more worried about the C-Sec officers in all honesty,” Garrus mused before looking at Kaidan, his mandibles twitching a little.  
“So how are you doing, Kaidan? I know loud bars like that isn’t your favourite.”

“I’m okay. I took a couple of painkillers before we went there,” Kaidan reassured the Turian.  
“Between those and the whiskey, I’ll be good. At least until I wake up tomorrow.”

“I hear you,” Garrus mused.  
“So are you staying long at the Citadel? I heard you were planning on going to earth for a while.”

“Yeah. Going to visit my parents and get some rest. Orders from the Alliance, actually.”  
Kaidan looked over at Garrus. “What about you? Heard you returned to C-Sec.”

Garrus nodded slowly. “Yeah, I… I have. But I think I will quit. Or at least take some vacation time. My time with you guys made me realise a few things and… Well. Let’s just say that I have a few things I need to think about when it comes to what I want.”

“Any ideas on what you will do?”

“I don’t know. Maybe travel a little. Again, being with you guys, travelling around the galaxy, doing good… It felt good. Made me want more, so to speak. Maybe I can do something good out there. There is a lot of shit to clean up after all.”

Kaidan chuckled and looked up at the artificial skyline that covered the Citadel. “Garrus Vakarian. Vigilante. Sounds good.”

“You can connect anything to my name and it will sound good,” Garrus replied, chuckling a little. 

“I’ll take your word for it. I’m too drunk to come up with anything to test that theory.”

Garrus laughed and gave Kaidan a good-natured bump with his shoulder.  
“You’re a good guy, Kaidan. I like you.”

“I like you too, Garrus.”

“Is this the part were we express our feelings through hugging and crying? Because I don’t think I am quite drunk enough for that yet.”

Another chuckle escaped the biotic before he flashed Garrus a crooked grin. “Don’t worry. We can always save that for later.”

Silence soon fell between the two of them and Kaidan relished in the Turian’s company, glad that they didn’t have to continue chitchatting at all times. He liked Garrus, understood him. That sense of honour he had, though it was a little different from Kaidan’s own believes, was something the biotic could understand and relate to.  
All too soon they were back by the human embassy, where Kaidan had been given a room for the duration of his stay at the Citadel.

“I guess this is it,” he said, looking over at Garrus.  
“Thank you for tonight. It’s… I needed it.”

“We all did,” Garrus said before placing his hand on Kaidan’s shoulder, giving it a squeeze.  
“Keep in touch, eh? And take care of yourself.”

“Will do if you do the same.”

“Always.”  
Garrus gave Kaidan the Turian equivalent of a grin and a wink, giving the biotics shoulder one last squeeze before he pulled his hand away.  
“And if you feel like travelling with me, drop me a mail, eh? I could always do with a side-kick.”

“I’ll think about it,” Kaidan mused before offering Garrus his hand.  
“I’ll see you around, Garrus.”

Garrus took the hand and gave it a firm shake and a squeeze.  
“See you, Kaidan.”

Then the two of them parted ways, Kaidan looking after Garrus as the Turian passed through the door leading out of the human embassy area and vanished down the stairs.  
With a heavy exhale, Kaidan turned and unlocked his room, walking inside and locked the door behind him.

The room was nice enough, with a comfortable bed, a desk and a private bathroom, but it was sterile and impersonal.  
Kaidan still hadn’t replaced most of the items he had lost when the Normandy went down, not feeling a need to do it just yet. It was just things.  
The one thing he wanted to replace, he couldn’t. Or rather, he didn’t want to replace it. He wanted the original back.

Shepard…

Almost like a tidal wave was washing over him, all the emotions that Kaidan had locked down to get through the day came back. Now that he was alone, he couldn’t hold it in anymore.  
Swallowing heavily, he stripped out of his uniform, simply leaving the clothes in a pile on the floor before falling down onto the bed. He buried his face against his pillow before letting out a choked sob.  
Despite the alcohol still running around his body, he was slowly starting to sober up. The entire day was just flooding over him now, making him want to scream, cry, beat something or someone up.

The torrent of emotions was overwhelming and he bit hard into the pillow, squeezing his eyes shut as he tried to find something in his mind to hold onto, anything that could give him some sort of mental leverage.

It didn’t make sense to him.  
While loosing Ashley had hurt, had made Kaidan feel terrible because he had lived instead of her, it felt a hundred times worse now.  
Before exhaustion finally claimed him, a thought buzzed through his head, one he had had several times over the years.

‘Why me?’  
Why was he the one that always got away and thus, got left behind..?


	21. Coming Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan gets some motherly love.

Seeing his mom and dad again was a blessing.  
Feeling his mother’s arms around him, hugging him tightly, and whispering words of reassurance and love into his ear from relief.  
Feeling his father’s firm hand in his own hand, shaking it before giving him a strong, one-armed hug.

It had been way to long since Kaidan had been home last.  
It was good seeing them in real life instead of on a com-channel.

Nothing beat the feeling of being with your family, letting your mother spoil you ever so slightly.  
It had been a long, long time since Kaidan had allowed himself such simple pleasures. Just letting himself relax and enjoy life, even if he was still grieving.

His parents wasted no time in getting him back to the house. Back to the home were he had grew up.  
An odd sense of nostalgia washed over him as he entered the house, stepping over the threshold and entering the hallway.

While the Alenko house had all the comforts that were normal for this time, his family also valued a more simple style to go along with all the modern equipment.  
Instead of stone, steel or plastic, most of the outer walls of the house were actually made out of good, old wood. Of course, the supporting beams as well as some of the more vital connective points and the doors had metal around it. There was also a good five inches with foam-based insulation in the walls so the house would keep its heat, especially during the Vancouver winters.

Kaidan inhaled deeply and just relished in the feeling of being home.  
It had been almost two years since he had been home the last time, thought it almost felt like a lifetime. It was soothing, helping that ache that had refused to leave his insides since the death of John Shepard.

“How about you go and take yourself a bath or a proper shower,” his mother said as she came up behind him, gently touching his arm. “And maybe catch some shut-eye. Knowing you, you probably haven’t slept well in a little while and if you keep going like this, you’ll get a head-ache. Or worse.”

Kaidan smiled some. Just having his mother being all… mothering just made him feel happy right now.  
“Sounds like a good idea, mom. I think I’ll do that.”

Mrs. Alenko nodded and gave her son a warm, loving smile. “Good boy. You know where your room is. I’ll let you know when dinner is and after dinner… Well. You can update us about everything. If you have the energy for it, of course.”

Kaidan nodded and grabbed his duffel bag. It didn’t contain much, just his dress blues and a set of causal army clothes as well as some pairs of underwear, socks and some toiletries. Things he had been provided with as well as picking up himself while he was at the Citadel.  
“Sounds good, mom. Just give my door a good knock if I don’t answer.”

Then he walked down the hall and turned into the living-room. He took a moment to just take in the room before he moved on, walking towards, then up the stairs before turning left as he approached the first door on that side.  
His room.

He palmed the electronic panel next to the door and watched it slide open. He took a moment just to take it all in before finally stepping inside, placing his bag next to him on the floor.  
Nothing had changed here; it was exactly the way he had left it.

The bed, a king-sized one, was neatly made up, fresh linens already put on the duvet, pillows and mattress.  
A simple lamp was on the nightstand along with an alarm-clock and a com-pad. Probably a book he had been reading during his last stay.  
His desk was tidy, his old computer still standing there. He wasn’t even sure if he could remember the password anymore.  
Over the desk was two bookshelf’s, one with com-pads and the other with actual paper books. A model of a frigate was used as support, preventing them from toppling over. He smiled some when he read over the titles.  
‘The Moon in Your Eyes’. ‘The Ends of the Universe’. ‘Space Heart’. All those books he had read while under rehabilitation; cheesy stories about a marine going to space to prove himself to the woman he loved, dreaming of someday doing the same for himself.

Shepard had been right. He had been a bleeding romantic. He’d just accepted a healthy dose of reality and duty to go along with it.  
He really hadn’t expected to find someone that he was willing to fight so hard for, even die for.

He was a soldier, he knew that sometimes you had to make sacrifices, even if that sacrifice meant yourself. Die for your planet and your people.  
He just hadn’t expected to be on the other end of that sacrifice. He had been ready to give his live for the cause and for others. He just hadn’t been mentally or emotionally prepared to have someone do the same thing for him. Ashley had been the first lesson for him, but the hardest blow had been Shepard.

“Dammit,” Kaidan mumbled as he felt his eyes sting, quickly reaching up and rubbing his fingers just underneath his eyes.  
He was going there again. Not good.

Quickly squashing that feeling, Kaidan picked his bag back up and tossed onto the bed as he approached it. He opened the zipper and while separating the colours from his white in his make-shift “laundry-bag”, he biotically lifted out a change of underwear, socks and his toilet-bag.  
He didn’t have to do it that way, but it gave him something to do with his mind, helping him from going down that road again. At least for now.

As soon as that was done, Kaidan brought his change of clothes as well as his dirty clothes to the bathroom, placing said dirty clothes into the laundry-hamper.   
He was more than capable of doing his own laundry, but knowing his mother, she wouldn’t let him. He had done that mistake once before and had all but gotten his fingers smacked. Only his mother could make him feel like he was five years old instead of a man that had passed into his early thirties.

The shower was divine and as soon as he stepped underneath the running water after stripping out of his clothes, Kaidan knew that he would be staying there for a good, long time. Maybe he’d allow himself a whole ten minutes.  
Steam showers had nothing on feeling warm water hitting your face, running down over your skin, washing away more than just the dirt that seemed to be a part of Kaidan’s skin at times. He turned his head up to meet the falling droplets, closing his eyes and slicking his hair back over his head when his fringes tickled over his eyelids.

He stood like that for what felt like a small eternity, just letting that warm water run over his naked body before he reached for the shampoo.   
As nice as it was, he couldn’t stay in there forever and it felt like his energy was going down the drain along with the water.  
Army-training kicked in as he shampooed his hair, leaving it in while he scrubbed his own body before rinsing off everything. After turning off the water, Kaidan grabbed a towel and quickly dried off his hair to get the worse of the water out of it before drying himself off and slipped into his fatigues.

When he exited out from the bathroom, he could hear music coming from downstairs. Classical music, a piano-piece.  
His mother loved concert music and Kaidan had to admit, he had inherited some of that love himself. Right now it made him smile, helping that feeling of being home grow even more.

Smiling some to himself, Kaidan returned back to his bedroom, letting himself fall down onto his bed and stretched out.  
Nice and soft unlike the sleeper-pods on the Normandy, or the rock-hard excuse of a mattress. He honestly wasn’t sure if he would be able to sleep in such a soft bed, being used to less than pleasant sleeping arrangements.

… Heck, he’d take the floor if it turned out too bad. Or ask his dad for the old field-bed in the garage, unless he had already tossed it out.

Closing his eyes, Kaidan inhaled deeply as he let himself relax, letting the soft bed and the feeling of being home wrap around him like a warm blanket.  
If it was those feelings or just pure exhaustion that won in the end, Kaidan didn’t know. Not that it really mattered, the result probably would have been the same as drowsyness overcame his senses and he fell asleep.

***

His mother woke him up a few hours later, knocking on his door before calling out that it was dinner.  
Even if he had been tired, Kaidan woke up from the sounds, calling out a sleepy “Coming” as he sat up on the bed.

He lifted his hands and rubbed at his face, trying to blink the sleepiness out from his eyes before standing up from the bed.  
A quick glance at the clock on his nightstand told him he’d slept for roughly two hours. It certainly didn’t feel that way, his head still feeling a bit foggy from the involuntary nap. His stomach was more awake, letting out a loud grumble that made Kaidan raise an eyebrow.  
“… Yeah, yeah, I hear you,” he mumbled, getting up and leaving his bedroom.

The scent of sweet potatoes and fried chicken almost instantly assaulted his sense of smell, making his mouth water and stomach groan louder.  
When he entered the kitchen, the sight that welcomed him was as much a feast for the eyes and the heart as it had been for his nose.  
His mother and father were already in the kitchen, his father putting bottles of beer onto the table while his mother served enough food to feed the entire Normandy crew.

“Don’t just stand there,” Mrs. Alenko mused as Kaidan seemed to be frozen by the kitchen door, placing a porcelain form with golden-fried chicken on the table.  
“Have a seat and help yourself. I hope I’ve made enough.”

“I think you’ve made enough to feed the Alliance and then some,” Kaidan replied, hurrying over to the table.   
“Ah… Can I help with anything,” he asked, stopping himself from being a complete barbarian and sitting down. He wasn’t very surprised that his mother waved him off.

“No, we have this under control, Kaidan. Sit, sit.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Kaidan mused, earning a slap from his mother and a chuckle from his father.

“Keep that up and you won’t be getting any of my apple pie,” Mrs. Alenko said with a strict voice, making Kaidan snap his lips shut.

“Duly noted. Shutting up.”

Mrs. Alenko just dropped a kiss onto Kaidan’s head before adding a huge piece of chicken onto his plate. “That’s my boy.”

The dinner was wonderful and Kaidan ate like he had never seen food before, much to his mother’s delight. She was only too happy to add more food onto his plate until he was almost begging her to remove the plate from his hands.   
‘Death by chicken dinner’ just wouldn’t sound good on his obituary, he had joked, making his mother roll with her eyes.  
Besides, he needed room for that pie.

Once the pie had been devoured along with another bottle of beer each, the family had moved to the living room to “recuperate” after the dinner.  
Kaidan swore that he had never felt as exhausted as he did right now, with his belly full of chicken, pie and beer.  
“I’m gonna need at least a month with intensive training in order to get back in shape,” he groaned, one hand on his belly, trying his best to soothe the ache.

“Make that two,” Mrs. Alenko had said, pouring some coffee into cups.   
“I do believe you mentioned that you would stay here for a couple of weeks and I intend to feed you properly while you are here.”

Kaidan just grinned and accepted the cup handed to him by his father. Black, with three sugars. Just the way he liked it.  
“I think I can handle that.”

Of course, they all knew he couldn’t, that he would be seeking out the gym and the Alliance base as soon as he could.  
Both for training and to keep himself updated.  
The fact that he had to go to the base for his evaluations and meetings with a psychologist was something Kaidan was trying not to think about.

The evening passed with quiet conversations about everything and nothing.  
The Holo-TV was on in the background, but most of the noise came from Kaidan and his parents talking. To Kaidan’s relief, his parents seemed happy with doing most of the talking for now, updating him about small things that had happened since his last stay.  
Just gossip and fun rumours; like their neighbour having bought a new car and that the eighteen year old girl next door had two boyfriends and a girlfriend at the same time.   
Silly little things that weren’t a threat to the galaxy, only to ones reputation and Kaidan really couldn’t give less of a damn about someone’s reputation. 

He wasn’t sure when it happened, but eventually Kaidan dosed off. The heavy meal and the feeling of comfort had been more than enough to render him useless. When he woke up again, the TV was off, the lights dimmed and someone had wrapped a black and blue woollen blanket around him.  
He grunted a little as he sat up, running a hand through his hair as his eyes got adjusted to the darkness.

He halfway considered going to bed, but he wasn’t feeling tired just yet. Exhausted yes, but not tired.  
Instead he switched off the light and walked upstairs, past his room and the bathroom, towards the upstairs living-room. He tried to be quiet as he walked bare-feet over the wooden panels; his parents’ room was downstairs.

The balcony door slid open without a sound and Kaidan stepped outside, inhaling the cool night air. The view was as beautiful as always and it never failed to bring a sense of peace as he gazed over the bay-area. There were lights scattered across the area, both on land and on the water, but the biggest light of them all was the light from the full moon hanging in the middle of the black sky, surrounded by thousands, millions of stars.  
He wondered, for a brief moment, just how many of those stars he himself had been near and how many stars were still unexplored.  
Even after so many years and so many travels, having seen so many nebulas and planets, they had still only explored a fraction of the universe as a whole.

It was enough to make Kaidan feel very, very small.

“I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that you are still up, Kaidan, even if you did sleep like a baby when we left you. Couldn’t sleep anymore?”

Kaidan looked over his shoulder as he heard the voice, smiling some when he saw who it was.  
“I guess I wasn’t that tired, dad… Exhausted yes, but tired..? Not really. Have some trouble relaxing, I suppose.”

Mr. Alenko chuckled softly before walking onto the balcony, into the chilly night air. “I can’t blame you, son. You’ve been through a heck of a lot.”

Kaidan managed a small grin. “I blame the bed, actually.”

“Want me to get the field-bed?”

“Nah. I’m good.”

Mr. Alenko chuckled again before handing Kaidan a bottle with lager, dew gathering on the cool glass.  
“Maybe this will help instead.”

“Beer in the middle of the night?”

“If you don’t tell your mother, I won’t either.”

Kaidan smirked while taking the bottle, opening it before taking a good swig from it. “Thank you,” he murmured after swallowing a mouthful of the beer, licking his lips to remove the drops of beer from them.

Mr. Alenko nodded his head slightly before taking a gulp from his own beer.  
“It’s a nice night tonight,” he murmured, glancing up at the stars.  
“Had a week-long period with nothing but black clouds and rain before you came here.”

“Nice to know that even Vancouver wished me welcome home.”

Mr. Alenko chuckled, smirking a little at his son. “You are always welcome here, Kaidan. Always.”

Kaidan looked at his dad and smiled some. “Thank you, dad. That means a lot.”

Mr. Alenko nodded and gave his son a firm pat on the back before they went back to drinking their beer in silence, just watching the stars.  
“I know I tell you this every time I see you, Kaidan, but… I am proud of you. Damn proud of you. I know I protested when you enlisted, that I told you it was a mistake, but…”

“I know, dad. I know.”

“Good. I want you to know.”

Kaidan nudged his shoulder lightly against his father’s. “I know. Thank you though. It means a lot to hear you say it.”

“It’s just that you are my only son and I’ve almost lost you more times than I care to know about.”  
He didn’t elaborate and Kaidan was grateful that he didn’t.  
His father had been an Alliance soldier as well, he knew the risks. And he knew how raw a wound could be and how fragile the psyche could be, even if you pretended to be strong.   
Especially after what the Normandy crew had been through. One month of easy missions were not enough to heal the wounds left by Saren and Sovereign, nor was a week enough to heal the traumas left by the destruction of the Normandy and the loss of friends and loved ones.  
His father knew those things so he wouldn’t press the issues. Not yet.

“I’m not gone, dad. I’m still here.”  
Still here… He was the lucky one it seemed.   
Kaidan had survived BaAT, he survived Virmire, he had survived the attack on the Citadel and he had survived the destruction of the Normandy.  
There was that guilt again…  
“I’m still here,” he repeated, more weakly this time. “I’m still here…”

“You okay though, son? Truly?”

“No,” Kaidan replied honestly, taking a deep gulp from his beer. “But I will be. Just need some r and r, that’s all.”

“You know, Kaidan… It’s not a weakness to show that you are tired.”

Kaidan turned to look at his father, taking in the man’s face. The dark, slightly mussed hair with a hint of salt in it. The wrinkles under bright, blue eyes. The straight, thin nose.  
A face Kaidan recognized every time he looked in the mirror, but at the same time, the face he saw in the mirror was older than the face he was staring at now.  
He wasn’t sure what to make of that.  
Instead he let his lips curl up into a weak smile. “I know, dad. I know.”

He seemed to know a lot of things that night.  
But in truth, he knew nothing.  
For a moment he wondered if he had ever known anything at all.

“I don’t think you do, Kaidan,” Mr. Alenko murmured, placing his hand on Kaidan’s shoulder and giving it a squeeze.  
“You were forced to grow up fast because of who you are. Take on responsibility well beyond what you had to. Not being in control… You didn’t like it as a child and I know you don’t like it as an adult. So when things that is beyond your control happens…”

“Dad… Please. Don’t go there. Not now.”

Mr. Alenko nodded and released Kaidan’s shoulder. “As you wish, son. But not speaking about what’s bothering you aren’t going to make the problem go away.”

“I know it won’t, dad. But I want to deal with it when I am ready for it.” He couldn’t keep the slightly annoyed tone out of his voice, instantly feeling bad that he was about to snap at his father.

His father nodded his head and, taking a last gulp from his beer, turned and walked back to the balcony door.  
“As long as you do talk about it at some point, Kaidan. Just know you can always talk to me or your mother.”  
Before Kaidan could respond to it, he opened the door and went inside, closing the door behind him and leaving the biotic outside with his thoughts.

Kaidan sighed and leaned heavily against the wooden railing, dangling the bottle of beer over the railing as he gazed over the bay-area.  
His father was right and he knew it. He had an appointment with an Alliance psychologist in three days, but the problem was that he wasn’t sure if he was ready to talk about it that soon. He supposed that was half the point though. Nipping it in the bud before you had the chance to bury it.

Closing his eyes, Kaidan brought the bottle to his lips and finished off the remains of the beer inside before he too pushed himself away from the view and headed back inside. The air was feeling a bit colder now, giving him goose bumps.  
At least that’s what he told himself.

After closing and locking the door behind him, Kaidan returned to his room, leaving the empty bottle on his desk before he crawled into the bed. He tugged the blanket tightly around himself and tried to relax; focusing his breathing into long and slow exhales and inhales through his nose.  
Still, as he tried to focus on sleeping, there were certain thoughts and feelings that just refused to leave him. In a way, being there, all comfortable and safe made him feel a horrible sense of guilt that just refused to leave him.

Groaning some, Kaidan tugged the blanket over his head and buried his face into his pillow. He seemed to go around himself a lot today, returning to certain thoughts as quickly as he escaped them.

Maybe that was his punishment for surviving.  
Carrying the load and memory of people who deserved to live so much more than he himself did. 

As depressing as that thought was, it made him feel just a little bit better.  
At least then there was a reason why he was still alive when others had died.

So he could remember those who had died before their time.


	22. Mental Control

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan gets his brain probed.

“So why would you say you are here, Lieutenant Alenko?”

Kaidan raised an eyebrow at the woman in front of him, wondering if this was a standard question that every shrink asked.  
He was just surprised that it had taken her a month to ask it.

As ordered, he had spent two full weeks on earth, resting and trying to relax. He had spoken to his mother and father, he had spoken to a shrink as a means to “introduce him to psychological counselling and prepare himself for a proper mental evaluation”, all taking place back at the Vancouver Alliance base. When he wasn’t having his thoughts probed, he had spent time working out and trying to keep himself somewhat updated.  
Once the time was up, he had gone back to the Citadel and had been introduced to another therapist, a woman named Amanda Simmons. His new head-prober, so to speak, that he would have the pleasure of talking to three times a week until they deemed him fit for duty or a nervous wreck.   
Whichever came first.

The first thing he could say about Amanda was that she scared the ever living shit out of him. She was fiercely intelligent, that much was obvious, but she seemed so completely cold when speaking that Kaidan wondered if she distanced herself for a reason or if she gave a damn at all.  
The woman herself, a tall, blond woman who, despite a slightly crocked nose and lips that looked like she had just sucked on a lemon, was quite attractive to look at. However the way she was looking back at Kaidan, patiently waiting for his answer, made him feel uneasy.  
Her hands were folded on top of a compad on her lap, one leg crossed over the other, and a long black skirt following the length of her leg and ending just below her knee.

“Do you want the professional answer or my honest answer?”

“I always want your honest answer, Lieutenant Alenko.”

“Then I am here to see if I am fit for duty. If I have gotten over the… trauma of loosing close friends and fellow soldiers during the… Geth wars and when the Normandy went down.”  
Saying “Geth wars” gave Kaidan a bitter taste in his mouth. He was damn aware of the cover-up and he knew that he did not have the energy or strength for that battle just yet. Besides, both Anderson and Hackett wanted for him to lay low about it for now and let them handle it from their ends. The last thing they needed was to have fingers pointed towards the Alliance and claims of insanity waved in their faces.  
He didn’t want to give Miss Simmons any more ammo against him than he had to either.

“And yet you are so very reluctant to answer me in a straight fashion.”

“I answer the questions, but I don’t feel the need to go into details,” Kaidan replied in a neutral tone.

“You know that anything you say here is confidential, unless it is a risk to your own health or someone else’s health.”

“I know. But I also feel that certain things are my business alone. Things that should be of no importance to your final evaluation of my psyche.”

“Perhaps I should be the judge of that, Lieutenant.”

Kaidan resisted the urge to shoot her a small glare.  
“I really doubt that the quite obvious friendship that I had to many of the people who died needs elaborating, doctor,” he said instead, keeping his voice calm.  
“We were at war, we became close friends due to the circumstances. It is hard to avoid and not something easily thrown away.”

“You have a history of being a bit of a loner, Lieutenant. Are the friendships you created on the Normandy bothering you? That when you finally let someone in, they were taken away from you?”

Kaidan felt himself tighten, resisting the urge to tighten his fists. That was too obvious of a sign that the words had hit straight on target. He couldn’t prevent himself from tightening his jaw though.  
“I am a soldier,” he said, still keeping his voice neutral. “I knew of the risks. Yes, it… hurt, when my comrades died, but I do not regret the friendships I started. Like I said, it is hard not to become close to people when on a warship in space. There are very few places you can go for privacy.”

“Do you ask yourself if it was worth it?”

“No.”  
It was the honest truth. Kaidan had never doubted if it had been worth it.   
What he wondered was something completely different.  
“What I gained from those people is something I will always treasure. Their deaths will not change that. If anything, I will spend time honouring their memory.”

“Is that the truth or is that what you tell yourself?”

Kaidan raised an eyebrow. “Just what are you insinuating, doctor?”

“Nothing, Lieutenant. I am merely trying to understand the way you think and feel by asking questions.”

“So why are you trying to imply that I regret the friendships I made?”

Doctor Simmons looked up from her compad and eyed Kaidan before smiling some. It brought shivers down Kaidan’s spine.  
“If I have implied such, Lieutenant Alenko, then I am sorry. I am merely trying to cover as much ground as I can. It is part of my duty to ask questions that may imply unpleasant feelings and reveal unexpected revelations for the patient.”

“Uhu.” Kaidan didn’t buy it for a moment, but he didn’t elaborate.  
“To answer your question then, doctor; it’s the truth. I do not regret a single moment I spent with my friends.”

Doctor Simmons nodded and looked down onto her compad again, making a quick note on it with a com-pen.  
“Then tell me, Lieutenant. What do you miss, now that they are gone?”

Kaidan hesitated some before looking down at his hands.  
“I… I miss the company. The close friendship. How… Well we worked together. We were more than just friends, more than companions, we…” He stopped speaking for a moment before letting a small, sad smile grace his lips.  
“We were… Family.”

The doctor raised an eyebrow as she eyed Kaidan before making another quick note.  
“Do you think the closeness limited you in any way?”

“They empowered me,” Kaidan replied, no hesitation in his voice. “They made me a better soldier, a better human.”

“Despite all the hardship?”

“Especially because of all the hardship.”

“Do you feel lonely?”

Kaidan hesitated for a moment before looking down, frowning some as he looked down at his own hands. He tightened them for a moment before folding them between his legs, eyes never leaving them.  
Was he lonely..?  
He hadn’t been the most social even when Shepard and Ashley had been around, but he realised that he had never been alone either.  
Someone had always been with him at the Normandy, just chatting as they took a cup of coffee or working on reports and debriefing.

He had never been alone. And even though he had spent time by himself, he had never been lonely because he knew that just around the corner, someone was there, ready to talk to him.

Now…  
Now they had fallen apart.

Joker was under evaluation just like he was, but his case looked more grim. Refusing to abandon his post even under certain death, even if it had been his own life that was at risk, was making the Alliance frown, no matter how Joker tried to explain his situation.  
Chances were that he would never fly again, at least not a frigate.

Liara had vanished, having become obsessed with the wreckage of the Normandy, trying her best to find it. At least that’s what Kaidan had heard.  
The last time Kaidan had spoken to her had been two weeks ago and all she had said was that she was going to Omega. After that, everything went silent from her end, despite Kaidan’s best efforts.

Wrex was easier to keep track off. He had a planet and a people to take care off on Tuchanka. There still was talk of battling the genophage and based on Kaidan’s knowledge of the situation, that was one huge battle.  
One Kaidan wasn’t sure the Krogan could win without some help.

Garrus had turned silent as well after trying to go back to work at the Citadel. As far as Kaidan knew, he had barely lasted a week after Shepard’s funeral before he had gotten so angry at the system that he’d quit.  
Kaidan remembered that Garrus had mentioned Omega, that he wanted to do good there, but if he had actually made good of his words, he didn’t know.

Tali had been easier to keep track on, but no easier to actually talk to.  
She had returned to the Flotilla, having completed her pilgrimage and was now doing good work for her own people.  
She sent him mail from time to time, but they were few and far between. Kaidan didn’t blame her, she was an important woman now and he was happy that she was doing well.

“Lieutenant Alenko?”

Kaidan blinked his eyes and looked up from his hands. “… Yes?”

“You did not answer my question, Lieutenant.”

Kaidan shook his head some, bringing a hand up to the bridge of his nose, giving it a squeeze as he started feeling the familiar tell-tale signs if an incoming headache.  
“I am sorry, Doctor… Could you repeat the question?”

“I asked if you feel lonely.”

The biotic swallowed as he allowed himself to chew on the question for a few seconds.   
Then, with a slight uncertainty in his voice, he answered.  
“… Yes. Yes, I do.”

“Would you like to make new friends?”

“In time,” Kaidan replied honestly. “It is not like this situation has scared me from ever making another friend, but… I don’t want them to be replaced. Not that anyone can, they were all… special to me. Dear.”  
He shrugged his shoulders weakly. “I just have to deal with this in my own time, doctor. And I think that’s only fair, no?”

“Nobody’s said otherwise, Lieutenant Alenko.”

Doctor Simmons lifted her wrist and looked at a nice, silvery watch that was around her wrist, noting down the time.  
“I will that that is it for now, Lieutenant. And I would say that we have been making some progress today.”

Kaidan raised an eyebrow, but he didn’t say anything. Instead he just nodded and got up from the soft couch.  
“I am glad to hear it, Doctor.”  
He offered her his hand to shake as she got up from her own chair.

She eyed it before accepting and shaking it firmly.  
“I will see you in three days then, Lieutenant Alenko. And I will be telling Admiral Hackett to contact you as I think you are ready for some lighter assignments. Nothing off the Citadel, of course, but I think that slowly returning to work will do you good. Not actual active duty, but something to stimulate yourself with.”

“… R-really?” Kaidan looked stunned, just staring at the doctor who, for the first time since Kaidan had met her, actually offered him a smile.  
A small smile, but a smile none the less.

“Yes, I think you are ready to start some light work again. I will not recommend you for active duty, it is too soon for that, but I’d like to see how you handle going back. I don’t think it should be much of a problem for you in all honesty, but there is a difference between a desk-job and being back in the field.”

A desk-job wasn’t exactly what Kaidan wanted, but heck, he would take it. Anything was better than just sitting around, doing nothing.  
“Thank you, doctor, I… That means a lot to me.”

“Don’t thank me yet, Lieutenant,” doctor Simmons warned, walking towards her office door.  
“We still have a long way to go and I am not quite done with my evaluation of you yet. This will just be another step in that progress. But I will, as said, give my recommendations for you to return to work so I will expect for you superior to contact you in the next few days.”

“Of course, doctor,” Kaidan replied, nodding his head slightly as doctor Simmons opened the door for him.  
“Thank you for today.”

“Thank you, Lieutenant. See you on Thursday.”

Kaidan waved his hand at her as he passed her on his way out of her office. When he heard the door close behind him, he let out a deep breath, letting some of the tension escape his body.  
That… Had not gone as he thought it would.

He had halfway expected for her to keep him off duty for another month at least, so for her to approve him returning to active duty…  
Sure, it was just a desk-job but it was a heck of a lot better than sitting back in his small apartment, twirling thumbs.

That alone was reason enough to celebrate and, in all honesty, Kaidan felt he could really do with a beer.

***

One beer, not unexpectedly, turned into more as Kaidan leaned against the bar in Flux, just watching the people dance, trying to enjoy himself.  
The music wasn’t quite to his taste, but the mood was contagious and he hadn’t been out in a while, at least not properly.  
Sure, he’d sometimes dropped by Flux for a whiskey from time to time since his return to the Citadel, just to help him relax enough to sleep, so it was nice to go out just to go out to have fun.

He had been a little afraid to feel alone while out, but luck would have it that a few familiar faces from his time before the Normandy were at the bar as well, enjoying some shore-leave. They seemed happy enough to include them in their group, but as they left to join the dance-floor, Kaidan had stayed behind. He wasn’t drunk enough to bust out his own moves just yet.  
Besides, he had no trouble just watching the people dance, finding entertainment in watching the many interesting ways of dancing that happened.

Of course, nothing would ever beat Shepard’s downright famous dance floor shuffling.

Thinking of Shepard brought out an all-to-familiar sting in his chest, making Kaidan loose some of his good mood.  
Over a month had passed and he still had this insane longing for Shepard, missing him more than he ever thought was possible.  
It made him wonder if it would ever get better, but also how strongly he had felt for Shepard in the first place. When they had first started their relationship, Kaidan had known that he had fallen good and hard for the Commander, but for him to feel this down, this devastated..?

Kaidan sighed and finished up his whiskey, deciding that it was time for him to call it a night. He hadn’t really expected any other outcome for this evening; he usually did feel emotionally drained after every session with doctor Simmons.

Still, it had been a small break from his usual evening-routine and it had been more than welcome.  
He also knew that time would heal a broken heart and soothe the longing. He would never forget the people he had lost, but his memories would make for the good times and store the bad memories away.   
He had loved and lost before and he would love again, when the time was right for him.

And as much as it hurt him to think about it, he had time.


	23. Love and Loss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan returns to active duty.

_“While the patient suffers from survivors guilt due to surviving not only Virmire and the destruction of the Normandy, there are some lingering scars from his time at Biotic Acclimation and Temperance Training, were many children came out worse than he did, as well as the landing on Eden Prime where Jenkins lost his life, he has gone through his grieving progress and while there is still some work left to be done, the Lieutenant will be more than able to handle himself normally in combat and situations of stress._

_“We have gone through intensive combat simulations in order to see how the Lieutenant reacts under pressure and he has improved vastly from the first attempt three months ago, where he was hesitant and reluctant under the mission. The Lieutenant is now responding as he did prior to the destruction of the Normandy._

_“Thus, it is in my professional opinion that, after four months of intensive psychological evaluations as well as intimate conversations regarding the Lieutenants past, that whatever mental scares and traumas he got is under control.  
“I will recommend that the Lieutenant can return to active field-duty and will schedule him for follow-up session one a week when possible in order to continue my evaluation of his trauma for as long as necessary.”_

That had been one month ago and Kaidan had never felt better.  
Or rather, he felt better than he’d had for a long, long time.

While he hadn’t been on any hard missions yet, mostly stake-outs missions and so-called “clean-up” when drifting ships containing Geth were found.  
Then again, after what he had been through with the Normandy, no mission could really be classified as “hard” in comparison…

After calling his parents to relay the good news, Kaidan went to the other person that he updated on his life, even if it was silly as hell.

He went to Shepard’s grave.

Ever since he had come back to the Citadel, Kaidan had visited Shepard’s grave at least once a week, unless on the rare occasion that he was off-world for business or to visit his family.  
He would tend to the grave, made sure that the area was clean before sitting down and just talking to it, updating the man that wasn’t there about life, the universe and anything else that came to mind.

It maybe looked silly, but it gave him some peace of mind to do it.

He never stayed very long though, at most he was there for twenty minutes, but he always finished the visit by touching the grave and promising that he would continue his work.

Now that he was back in duty, for the first time since he started his weekly ritual, Kaidan felt that he could actually do it.  
He had a long way to go and he knew that the way was mostly uphill, but he had solid people backing him up. He just needed some solid evidence now.

Sometimes he just wished he could print out the images he had in his brain and show that to the Council.  
Would have made a lot of things a heck of a lot easier.

But Kaidan wasn’t afraid of hard work, very far from it.  
He wasn’t giving himself any breaks, not mentally or physically and after a long period of downtime, Kaidan was now working full-time in getting himself back into shape. 

This was how Councillor Anderson found the human biotic, training with weights in the Alliance Military area on the Citadel, though instead of his arms, Kaidan was laying on the bench, lifting the heavy weights up and down with his biotics.  
While he was more comfortable with his biotics now, thanks to Shepard and Liara, he still wanted to keep himself in good physical shape as well as training his biotics, honing both his mental and physical skills the best he could.

“Very impressive, Lieutenant. I can see that your skills are as good as ever.”

Kaidan reached up and grasped at the bar with both hands, carefully guiding the weights to the metal holders above his head before sitting up, drying some sweat away from his brow.  
“Councillor. I am sorry, if I had known that you were coming,” he started as he got up, feeling a little awkward.

Anderson merely chuckled though and held his hands up.  
“Don’t think about it, Alenko. I wanted to surprise you, to see how you were doing.”

“Well, you managed,” Kaidan replied, clearing his throat some.  
“What can I do for you, Councillor?”

“Actually, I was wondering if there was anything I could do for you.”

Kaidan raised an eyebrow before shaking his head, placing his hands behind his back. “I don’t think so, sir. Thanks for asking though.”

Anderson nodded before gesturing for Kaidan to walk with him.  
“There is one thing I wish to discuss with you, Alenko. Something that has been way over-due because of the accident.” 

“Yes sir,” Kaidan replied, following Anderson as they walked out of the gym-area.

“This is not my decision since I am not an… Official Captain of the System Alliance anymore, but I do have some say in certain matters,” Anderson started, looking ahead of himself as they walked.  
“And there is something that I have wanted to ask you for a while now.”

“Anything, sir.”

“How do you feel about your progress in the army, Lieutenant?”

“I feel it’s been pretty steadfast, sir.”

“And do you wish to progress further?”

Kaidan raised an eyebrow, not quite understanding the question.  
“I wish to continue to serve, if that’s what you mean, sir,” he replied after a moment, looking at Anderson as they continued to walk.

Anderson chuckled softly and glanced over at Kaidan for a moment. “Glad to hear it, though I didn’t expect anything else.”  
He guided Kaidan to his office and opened the door, gesturing for Kaidan to enter.

Once inside, Kaidan could see that Hackett was already in there, standing by a screen and talking to a fellow admiral in a hushed tone. When he noticed that the two of them entered, Hackett lifted his hand to the man on the screen and, with a nod of his head, cut the connection.  
“Councillor,” he murmured, bowing his head to Anderson before turning to face Kaidan.  
“Lieutenant. Glad to see you here. It has been a while.”

“It has, sir,” Kaidan replied, saluting Hackett while speaking.

“I am very glad that you got the clearance to return to active duty as fast as you did. I have a task for you,” Hackett said, having never been one to beat around the bush.

“Sir.”

Anderson walked over to his desk and sat down while Hackett started tapping at the large screen, bringing up a map of one of the systems around the Citadel. It took a moment for Kaidan to recognise it as the Rosetta Nebula.  
“You know the planet Joab, do you not?”

Kaidan took a moment to think before nodding. “Yes, it’s one of the planets that humans have recently inhabited, isn’t it?”

“Correct. Establishing colonies on the planets has been going just fine, but there have been reports of illegal trade of weapons and resources. The rumours have been inconclusive, but they are severe enough for the Alliance that we want to send a team to the planet and investigate the claims.”  
Hackett turned and looked at Kaidan.  
“And I want you to lead that team, Alenko.”

“… I beg your pardon, Sir?”

“You heard me, Alenko,” Hackett said, completely ignoring the surprised look on the Lieutenants face.  
“You showed yourself from a new, positive light under Commander Shepard’s command. I believe you grew further as a soldier, as a leader and a teacher. And I want you to prove me right by doing this assignment.”

Kaidan was sure he looked like an idiot as he just continued to stare at Hackett, mouth slightly open and his voice completely inactive. Eventually, after what felt like hours to Kaidan himself, he nodded and saluted Hackett.  
“Yes, Sir. I understand, Sir. I am ready to take command.”

Which was complete and utter bullshit, but he couldn’t let such an opportunity go to waste either.  
While he could never be Shepard, and quite frankly, he didn’t want to either, he could find inspiration in the way Shepard used to dive into new situations, head first and take it from there. After all, he was an Alliance Soldier, a Marine. He had worked hard to get to where he was and he would continue to do so.

“I know you are, Alenko. You got eighteen hours to arrange for equipment and brief yourself on the situation. I’ve already mailed you the intel you need.”  
Hackett gave Kaidan’s hand a nod as the familiar beep from the omnitool suddenly appeared. “You are a smart man, I am sure you will figure out the best way of approach. You will meet your team at Dock 32 B tomorrow at five-hundred hours.”

“Yes, Sir!”

“Then you are dismissed, Lieutenant. Go get ready,” Hackett said, giving Kaidan a quick salute.  
Kaidan returned it quickly before turning and leaving the room, his head already spinning.

It wasn’t a hard mission, but it was an important one and Kaidan could already feel his nerves starting to kick in.  
He had actually never been in charge of a strike team before, having always been a “follower” so to speak. Sure, he had the experience and in theory he knew what to do, his head already working on formulating possible plans and solutions, but theory was always vastly different from practice…  
He returned to his small apartment on the Presidium, having already opened his messages on his omnitool and reading over the intel from Hackett.  
It was pretty straight-forward stuff, listing possible suspect and names that Kaidan copied to a list of it’s own as soon as he booted up his computer.

This would be a long night.  
And he was kind of looking forward to it.

***

The mission had been an absolute success.

It was just what Kaidan had needed to get back in the proper rhythm of things, just difficult enough to solve and just the right amount of dangerous to handle.

He hadn’t been very surprised to discover the corruption that ran amongst many of the more wealthy contributors on the planet, knowing very well that with money came power. And a lot of money had been passed around between private investors,  
Of course, the investors were quite protective of their business and their money, and they guarded both things with a rather large amount of bought help that were about as loyal to their masters as a dead dog.

Kaidan and his strike-team suffered no casualties and only minor injuries when one of his men, a sergeant with a big mouth and a big gun decided to try his luck with a handful of mercenaries on his own.  
It had taken a lot of Kaidan’s biotic strength as well as a lot of skill to keep the mercenaries at bay when they were joined by another group of mercenaries, while Kaidan’s own men slowly picked them off one by one.  
As soon as their leader was down, most of the mercenaries just gave up, making the rest of the job easy.

Hackett had been pleased with the result, congratulating the team with a job well done.

With one recent success behind him, Kaidan soon got more missions to handle; many of them high risk and even leading a few of them.

And along with the missions came a bigger surprise.

A promotion to Lieutenant Commander.

“It was long over-due,” Hackett had said when he had offered Kaidan the promotion.  
“You were supposed to have it after the attack on the Citadel, along with Shepard’s own promotion to Major. But after the destruction of the Normandy and you going into therapy, it was left in limbo. We wanted to see how you were doing and what you would choose to do. Of course, we hope you will accept the promotion now. You have more than earned it.”

Kaidan had just stared at the Admiral, uncertain what to say or do.  
A promotion had been the last thing on his mind, he was just happy to be back in duty.

Naturally enough, he had accepted, as soon as he had woken up from his daze.  
A promotion was good for his career as well as his self-esteem after all this time.  
He wasn’t going to bullshit himself, it had been hard work getting back to status quo, but it also felt good to have done it, showing both himself and the system that he was strong, capable.

The ceremony took place in Vancouver and had been a big one, with a lot of people that Kaidan had no idea who was.  
More importantly for him though was that his parents were amongst the audience, and the pride on their face as they saw Kaidan sit on the stage with other soldiers were enough to make Kaidan himself swell a little with pride.

Unsurprisingly, Anderson and Udina were there as well, with Anderson opening the ceremony and speaking fondly of the Alliance as well as humanity before letting Hackett take over.  
The Admiral took his time, speaking of the Alliance as well, honouring people who had died and speaking with pride about those who served. It was enough to bring a tear to even the most battle-hardened marine and when Hackett and Anderson both saluted the memory of those who had died, every soldier in the crowd and on stage stood up and saluted with him.  
That’s what Kaidan liked about the men. No matter how much they honoured the living, praising their accomplishments, they never forgot to honour those who had given their lives for the cause.

It was a sight to see though, as Kaidan sat back down on the chair and took a look around, taking in the crowd. He was so used to seeing the alliance fatigues or armour these days that seeing such a big amount of blue and gold in the sea of people was quite the sight.  
He himself was dressed in his finest alliance blues, his appearance fixed to perfection with his hair slicked back and his face cleanly shaven.  
Because of it, Kaidan’s friends and fellow soldiers had teased him about being the very image of being the “Alliance’s Finest”, but Kaidan had just snorted it away. He knew he was as far as you could get from being one of them.  
He was nervous though, sitting and listening to the Admiral speak, not really recognising himself in any of the words, but he could definitely link it to people he knew.

Still, he couldn’t help but feel a sense of pride and accomplishment as the medal was pinned on his chest for his services as well as the words of acknowledgement spoken by Hackett during the ceremony.  
He wasn’t the only one being promoted of course and as the others were listed and spoken about, he applauded and smiled along with the others. All the men and women that were here deserved that acknowledgement and it just Kaidan swell with a little more pride as two from his first strike-team got a well-deserved promotion.

After the ceremony the Alliance and the invited guests went to a rented restaurant that was big enough to house all the guests. Dinner was served along with a nice dessert and the bar was open for soldiers of the Alliance, which the restaurant would probably regret later.  
Soft music was playing and after the dinner, people were gathering for pleasant chatter or dancing for those who preferred that.

During the after party Kaidan allowed himself some time to be social, talking and even laughing with others, feeling the pleasant buzz from the Champaign being served. He still wasn’t the life of the party, he probably never would be, but he was taking what he had learned from his time on the Normandy and he was trying.

At some point though, Kaidan retreated from the worse of the crowd and stepped out of the restaurant and onto a balcony, a bottle of lager in hand and using a finger to loosen up his collar some.  
He needed a break from the noise and the people before one of his famous migraines decided to appear. He had tried to take some precautions, taking some pills before dinner to dull the small head-ache that had appeared during the ceremony, but he was never quite safe from it.

The night was pleasant though, the sky clear and thousands upon thousands of stars winking down at him as he looked up.  
He leaned against the balcony railing, letting the pleasant evening breeze cool him down, blowing away from of the nerves and tension from the day.  
It was exactly what he needed.

Placing the head of the bottle against his lips, Kaidan tipped it upwards until the bigger liquid started filling his mouth, slowly swallowing it as it savoured the taste before he removed the bottle again.

It was strange to think about, just how far he had gotten despite all the shit he had gone through over the last years.  
He was luckier than most, that was something he was painfully aware of and not willing to forget. 

In a way, that made this situation, his promotion bittersweet.  
How many people had died while he had managed to crawl his way upwards? Yes, he had worked for his rank, worked hard to earn his reputation, his skills, but did he deserve it?

Not in his mind, but no amount of wishful thinking could get those he felt deserve it come back.  
The best thing he could do, he figured, was to accept it on their behalf. To stand proud, work hard and continue to honour their memories the best he could.

Kaidan smiled some and looked up at the moon, raising his bottle towards it.  
“Here’s to everyone at BaAT,” he murmured softly.  
“All of you who weren’t allowed to make it because of Conatix Industries and their damn quest for answers and money.  
“Here’s to you, Jenkins, for being the braver man and jumping out first at Eden Prime.  
“Here’s to you, Ash, for being a damn good soldier and sacrificing yourself because you didn’t want anyone else to do it.  
“Here’s to you, Pressly, Chrosby, Tanaka, Lowe and all you others who died when the Normandy went down. You went far beyond the line of duty.”

He swallowed some as he took a deep drink from the bottle, feeling his eyes water slightly as he thought about his fallen comrades.  
Then he lifted his bottle again as he thought about the last one to give his life.

“And here’s to you, John Shepard… You who were to stubborn to let anyone go down with the ship… You who saved an entire galaxy from a threat that nobody wants to believe in… You who completely stole my heart and made me a better man…  
“I’ll never forget you… Any of you.”

He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply.

Now that he was Commander, he could actually start working on what Shepard had left behind. The man had died so others could live and Kaidan would be damned if he was going to let that work be in vain.

He was going to continue finding evidence for the Reaper-threat, even if it would kill him.

All those who had died deserved at least that much.

It had been a long year with trials and error, therapy and slowly gathering himself from the loss of his friends and his lover.  
It had taken time, yes, but he was getting there. Slowly but steadily.

He was a survivor after all and that’s what survivors did.

Surviving.


	24. Rumours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan gets a new mission.

“You are joking with me.”  
Kaidan looked up from the reports, one eyebrow raised as he looked at the human Councillor, a look of scepticism on his face.  
“People are actually reporting sights now? This is ridiculous.”

It wasn’t the first time he had heard the rumours. Heck, some people still claimed that Elvis was still alive, but as far as Kaidan knew, no known species in the galaxy had the ability to bring dead people back to life.  
Especially not when said people fell through the atmosphere of a planet at great speed and catching fire before hitting the surface, if there was anything left that could hit the surface.

It was the year 2185, two years after the Normandy went down and Staff Commander Kaidan Alenko was getting more than a little tired about hearing rumours that Lieutenant Commander John Shepard, first human spectre, saviour of the Citadel and a lover that Kaidan had spent well over a year getting over, was running around.  
He felt it was more than a little disrespecting of the man’s memory, both because they over glorified him in a way that was not flattering in his opinion, but also mocking the sacrifice he had done.

“It is, Alenko, but it doesn’t make the reports less true,” Anderson said, standing up from his desk and walking towards the balcony in his office, taking in the view.  
“Or rather, what the reports can mean since they also mention Cerberus. If there is someone out there, using Shepard’s name in the name of Cerberus, it will undermine everything he, and now you, have worked so hard for.”

“A copycat,” Kaidan mumbled, wrinkling his nose some.  
“Doing supposed good deeds in Shepard’s name, but at the same time spreading rumours.”

The rumours that Shepard was back came hand in hand with another set of more worrying rumours that had started to surface.  
It was no secret that over the last two years, human colonies had been attacked and obliterated by an unknown foe that the Alliance had recently started speculating were the work of Cerberus.  
The reasoning was that during the last two months, after the last attack on a human colony, Cerberus had been spotted.  
That was also when the first rumours about Shepard working with Cerberus had started to appear and with it, the birth of a new threat.

The Collectors.

Kaidan knew very little about the Collectors; only that they were a very secretive race that, as far as he knew, lived beyond the Omega 4 relay.  
Rumours had it that they sometimes came to trade technology for living organic life, usually humanoid, but nobody could back up or prove those claims.

All in all, the rumours were possibly rooted in something more dangerous and if there were human lives and colonies at risk, then the Alliance simply couldn’t ignore it.

“So what is the Alliance doing with it?”

“Nothing.”

Kaidan raised both eyebrows now.  
“… What?”

Anderson sighed and shook his head some.  
“The Alliance isn’t doing anything. There are not enough leads and there isn’t an obvious pattern that the Alliance can follow in their investigation except that the colonies that are targeted are somewhat remote. Problem is that the Alliance doesn’t have enough resources to cover every remote human colony in the galaxy so without solid leads, nothing can be done.”

Kaidan gritted his teeth and shook his head, hand clenching a little harder at the compad he was holding.  
“So we’re just going to let this happen, Councillor?”

“That’s the thing, Alenko.” Anderson turned around and looked at the younger man with a determined look.  
“We are not.”

“I don’t follow, Sir.”

“Listen to me, Alenko,” Anderson murmured, gesturing for Kaidan to come closer.  
“There is a reason why I asked you to come see me about this. Because you are one of the few people that know the truth about what happened on the Citadel and are still fighting to have that story come up into the light. You are fighting for all those people who died on the Citadel, fighting for Shepard.”

Kaidan eyed Anderson before holding the compad up. “I am not sure how the Reaper attack is linked with the rumours of Cerberus, Collectors and Shepard, sir.”

“There may not be a link, but I am going on a hunch.”  
He lowered his voice slightly. “It is not very known, but I have been investigating a case with a woman named Kahlee Sanders. Mostly it was about the attacks that happened on the Grissom Academy, you may remember that.”

Kaidan nodded.  
The attack on the school and home of several human biotic children and young adults weren’t exactly something one could ignore, even if had been the work of one man. In fact, that made it all the scarier.   
Kaidan felt that it hit a bit too close to home since the Grissom Academy was the complete solar opposite of what BaAT had been. The kids there deserved the best help and education they could give them.  
As far had been told to the Alliance, Sanders had travelled with a fellow teacher as well as a young girl and her father to the Quarians, were more attacks had happened. Everything had been very hushed down, the reason for the attacks both on the Academy and the Quarian fleet were top secret.

“Cerberus was involved with the attacks, as were they responsible for the attack on the school because of Sander’s knowledge and research, especially about Saren and his connection to Sovereign and his ability to control the Geth. It was a mess.”  
Anderson shook his head some.  
“I can’t and will not go into details on it, it is a bit too sensitive and I do not hold all the pieces to the puzzle yet, but Cerberus is definitely interested in what happened two years ago. But that is not all.”

Kaidan blinked his eyes. “There’s more?”

Anderson nodded before taking the compad from Kaidan, locating a different file on it before handing it back.  
“Just a month ago, the colony Fehl Prime was attacked again. There was a squad down there known as the Delta Squad, lead by Lieutenant James Vega, who was able to report some very… Interesting findings. An unknown flagship with a design unlike anything seen before and an alien-species that, according to Vega, was completely unknown to him.”  
Anderson looked at Kaidan as he read through the reports. “Sadly, a lot of people died during the attack and no records have been found that can confirm what Vega is saying, but it is a strong lead that something fishy is going on.”

“You think that these… Supposed Collectors are working with Cerberus? Or that they are using the myth of the Collectors to attack?” Kaidan asked, though he did frown a little.  
“There is something there that doesn’t quite add up though. Yes, I saw Cerberus do a lot of terrible things, to both humans and aliens, but what possibly could they gain on wiping out human colonies..? They describe themselves as pro-human and this isn’t exactly productive.”

“Depends on what they want,” Anderson said.   
“If they are successful in blaming the attacks on an unknown species such as the Collectors, what better way to front humanity and humanities interest by suddenly swooping in and saving the day? They can get a heck of a lot more support than they currently have.”

“White-washing their dirty reputation,” Kaidan grunted, shaking his head.  
“Of course.”

“Their reputation is mixed on Earth. Some approve of their actions, others condone them. But because they are not very known to the general public, they have the chance to influence a lot of people, especially the older population who remembered the war between the humans and the Turians.”

Kaidan nodded in agreement.  
“I understand, sir. But I have to admit that I am at a bit of a loss as to what you want me to do.”

“I want you to go to Horizon.”

“… I don’t follow, sir.”

Anderson chuckled softly, giving Kaidan a warm smile.  
“Of course, forgive me. No, the reason I called you in here is because I have a special assignment I want you to undertake. A solo-mission.”

Now that was unusual. Kaidan looked at Anderson while following the older man to his desk, sitting down on the chair when Anderson gestured towards it.  
“You know Horizon, yes?”

Kaidan nodded. “I do, yes. It is a rather remove colony, isn’t it?”

“It is,” Anderson replied, nodding his head slightly in confirmation.   
“We got an anonymous tip that Horizon might be the next target of the human abductions and destruction as their com-system has recently become faulty. I want you to go there and investigate the possibility and, if possible up the security the best you can. We have already been on the colony to install defence towers and I will give you clearance for installation and calibration of the software. We cannot have the Alliance there twenty-four seven, but at least we can give them means to defend themselves.”

Kaidan simply nodded again, his mind already working on possible questions and ways of investigating the case.  
“Is there something special I should take note off?”

“Try not to spread what you are doing around, to anyone. This will be somewhat of an undercover mission as I do not want Cerberus to know that I am sending people to the colony. This is already the reason why I am only sending one person.”  
Anderson rubbed a hand over his face for a moment.  
“I also want you to… Take note about this Shepard-copycat, should the opportunity arise. After all, we don’t know if Cerberus is behind this, but if we can find out more while you are there…”

“It will be done, sir,” Kaidan replied.  
“If there’s someone out there, pretending to be Shepard, then I will find them.”

“Good man.”

“How long should I take on this mission, sir?”

“I imagine a few weeks should be enough. Just enough time to install and, if needed, test the weapons. Also, do what you can to check their com-system so they can contact the Alliance for help.” 

“Go to Horizon, install defence towers while investigating the possible Cerberus threat and, as a side-mission, see what I can do about their means of communication. Got it.”  
Kaidan nodded while recapping what Anderson had said to him, already noting it down on his omnitool.

“I will send you everything you need,” Anderson said while walking to the door.  
“Please get ready to travel as soon as possible; I want to get this mission underway before it is too late.”

“Give me twenty-four hours and I should be ready, sir,” Kaidan said, getting up from his seat and walking towards the door.

“Then twenty-four hours it is. Go to docking bay 63 C at four pm tomorrow. I will have arranged for transportation for you as well as everything you would need for the installation for the defence towers.”

“Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.”  
Kaidan gave the man a sharp salute before turning and leaving the room, hurrying down the hallway as he walked out of the human embassy.

This was no small mission, very hard for just one man, but Kaidan was more than ready to take it on.  
Heck, all Anderson had to do was mention Shepard really, that was more than enough motivation for Kaidan to take on the task.

Ever since his promotion to Lieutenant Commander, Kaidan had just about turned himself into a work-aholic, taking on every mission he could get.   
At first it had been a distraction, preventing himself from trying to fill Shepard’s shoes.   
These days, it was habit; he was simply used to the workload because he had nothing else to fill the time with.

At least until his colleagues and friends had told him that he was working himself to an early grave and that he needed to relax, and go out to have some fun.  
That’s when he had met Michael.

Or rather, that’s when he’d met Michael again.

After the first missions when Kaidan had returned to active duty, Kaidan had felt very sore at the back of his neck, as if his amp was overloading so he had opted to see a Doctor to have his amp and implants examined.  
It was something that he usually did once a year, but after he’d started using his biotics a bit more, Kaidan tried to have himself checked up a bit more often.

That’s when he’d met doctor Michael Dunnes for the first time.

Michael was a good guy; passionate about his work, kind, a good sense of humour and, as Kaidan’s mother would have said, knew which fork to eat with at fine restaurants.  
During his checkups, they had started chatting about general things, mostly to distract Kaidan as he didn’t want any sedatives as the needle was stuck into his neck.  
They had a good tone, something Kaidan’s colleagues had noticed so when Kaidan had seen Michael at the bar during one of his few trips out, they had convinced him to ask him out.

To his surprise, Michael had actually said yes and so far they had been out a couple of times for drinks and dinner, just chatting and getting to know one another.  
Kaidan found that he liked Michael, he did, but at the same time he kept the man at a distance, not sure if he quite felt ready for something serious.  
Michael, thankfully, seemed to understand and gave Kaidan the space he needed, which made Kaidan like him all the more.

It was nothing serious, but as Kaidan walked into his small apartment, he felt it was serious enough to give Michael a call that he would be off-world for a little while.

As he waited for Michael to answer, Kaidan put his holophone on speaker and started wandering around in his apartment, getting things ready.  
When he heard Michael’s “Hello?”, he popped his head out from the bedroom and waved towards the holo.

“Hey, sorry. I wasn’t sure if you were home.”

“Hey, Kaidan. What’s up?” Michael asked, smiling as he saw Kaidan enter the camera’s view, even if it was only just.  
“You seem busy.”

“Yeah, sorry. I’m packing some, going of world in twenty-four hours,” Kaidan replied, carrying a stack of clothes in his arms and dumping it onto the kitchen table.

“Ah. Another mission?”

Kaidan nodded while biting onto the sleeve of one of his t-shirts, trying to fold it neatly while holding it in the air.

“How long will you be gone?”

“I dogh knoh wyet,” Kaidan grunted out before releasing the sleeve from between his teeth, successfully folding the shirt before putting it on the kitchen-table.  
“Sorry. I don’t know yet, but it could be a while. A couple of weeks at least.”

Michael nodded, sliding a hand through his hair.  
“Mmm. Thanks for letting me know. I was gonna ask if you were busy this week-end, but I guess I have my answer there.”

Kaidan gave Michael an apologetic look.  
“I am sorry. I know I am off world and such a lot, it’s just-“

“Michael held his hands up and smiled.  
“Hey, hey, don’t make excuses, eh? I know what you are and I respect that, Kaidan,” he murmured.  
“Yes, it bites that you work a lot, but… What can you do? It’s why we are keeping it nice and loose, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Kaidan replied, nodding his head some. He thought for a moment before turning to look at Michael properly.  
“Hey, um… When I come back from my mission… What say you that we go for dinner?”

“I’ll try to keep my schedule clear,” Michael chuckled, giving Kaidan a warm smile.  
“But I would like that.”

“Then it’s a date,” Kaidan replied, smiling at Michael.

“It’s a date.”  
Michael looked at his omnitool started beeping and wrinkled his nose.  
“Sorry for cutting the talk short, but I have to go. There’s an emergency with an implant.”   
He looked back up at Kaidan before smiling some.  
“Just stay safe okay? And I’ll see you when you come home.”

“Good luck with that, Michael. See you in a couple of weeks.”

The call ended, leaving Kaidan’s kitchen a little darker now that the holo didn’t light up the area anymore.  
Kaidan left it as it was, just confusing on folding the rest of the clothes before bringing it back to the bedroom and put it into his duffle-bag, finishing up what he could when it came to packing.  
As soon as he was done, he returned to the kitchen and flicked the lights on so he could start working on the mission plan, wanting to learn as much as he could about the colony as well as the existing com-system and just what he could do for them.

“Horizon, huh,” he murmured, carefully pouring himself a glass of water biotically from a pitcher that was on the table, then reached for the glass.  
“Well… Let’s see if there’s any truth to the rumours… Maybe we’ll meet Elvis while were there as well.”


	25. Horizon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan gets the surprise of his life...

The shuttle-ride was rather uneventful, but Kaidan would soon learn that his time on Horizon was not going to be an easy one.  
As soon as the shuttle touched down and he sat a foot on the ground, he was met with looks of distrust and anger. His first attempt of communication went down the drain as well, with the man telling him to “get back where he came from”, though not in quite as nice terms.

He guessed he looked more than a little confused as a woman finally approached him, looking a bit friendlier than the first people Kaidan had met.

“I am sorry,” she said, taking Kaidan’s hand and giving it a firm shake.  
“We were told that someone from the Alliance was coming just recently and, well… Not everyone here is fond of them and in light of everything that’s happened with other colonies…”  
She gestured a little towards the people that still remained, giving Kaidan dirty looks as he and the woman started walking.  
“But we will co-operate with you, sir, don’t worry about that.”

“I am glad to hear it and… Please. Call me Kaidan,” Kaidan replied, smiling some at the woman, who returned it.

“And I am Lilith. A pleasure to meet you, Kaidan.”

“The pleasure is all mine.”

Lilith was kind enough to take Kaidan away from the worse of the crowd that had started appearing around the shuttle-area and towards the sleeping area, showing Kaidan to the room he would be staying it.  
It wasn’t so much a room as it was a small apartment for himself, though it was a few minutes away from the more populated areas of the colony. Kaidan guessed that the colonist didn’t even want him sleeping near them.

After he had put his belongings there, Lilith started showing him around the colony, showing him where the main computers were, the different junction-points of the electronics and the back-up generators. She also showed Kaidan where the Alliance had put up the defence towers before his arrival, giving him enough time to write down the codes of each one so he could start calibrating them.  
As far as Kaidan could see, the colony was well stocked and well provided with whatever they needed, though he could understand Anderson’s concern about defence. He could not see a single defence-system except from the weapon-storage area and the so-far useless defence towers. He would have to get them up and running as soon as possible.

After finishing the tour, Lilith introduced Kaidan to the man in charge of the mechanics on the colony; a man that Kaidan figured had decided to hate him on sight.  
The man, named Delan, seemed very unwilling to give Kaidan even a sliver of help, but he reluctantly gave Kaidan access to the main computers so he could start preparing the automated program for the defence towers as well as running different scans of the com-system.  
It gave him a much needed break from the somewhat hostile mood that had seemed to settle over the area, halfway wishing that he had someone else from the Alliance that he could lean on.

Still, he wasn’t about to let this get him down.  
He had a job to do here and by God, he was going to do it, even if it killed him.

***

“Lilith, we have a problem.”

Kaidan quickly walked over to the woman as she hurried towards him, trying his best to keep the annoyance out of his voice.

“Still can’t calibrate the targeting matrix,” she asked while Kaidan carefully shifted a little to the side as they walked, trying not to bump into one of the colonists.

“Those defence towers are useless if we don’t figure it out.”

“Sorry, Commander,” Lilith said apologetically as Kaidan bumped into another colonist who seemed to be in a hurry.  
“Getting our com-systems back online takes priority.”

Kaidan stopped and let out a small sigh, letting some of the annoyance bleed out of him. “Yeah,” he murmured. “Okay.”  
Then he let out a small chuckle, making Lilith stop in her own tracks.   
“Surprised people haven’t tried to blame that on me too,” he mused, shaking his head a little.

The two weeks Kaidan had been on Horizon had been far tougher than Kaidan had ever expected.

He learned very early that his presence was not welcome at the colony.  
Because of the attacks on remote human colonies, the colonist on Horizon seemed to think that the presence of the Alliance would just draw unwanted attention to them, leaving them as an even bigger target.  
Kaidan could understand that logic, but no matter what he did to try and soothe the colonist, they weren’t too eager to listen.

He could deal with the somewhat hostile behaviour though. It was when something went wrong that he started getting a little tired as he seemed to get the blame for it.  
It didn’t really help that calibrating the defence towers had taken a lot longer than Kaidan had expected and just two days ago the com-system had shut down completely, leaving the colony unable to contact anyone anywhere.

“People out here don’t trust the Alliance,” Lilith replied, giving Kaidan another look of apology.   
“It’s nothing personal.”

Kaidan was about to tell her not to apologize when a strange humming sound appeared over the area, making him look up towards the sound.  
He couldn’t recognise it and as far as the last information he had gotten, no inbound vessels were heading towards the colony, even if they had been without communications for a few days.  
Frowning, he watched as something big and dark slowly started appearing through the clouds, taking a step towards it, carefully nudging the gathering people to the side.  
The sound was attracting attention, which could very well be a bad thing.

Kaidan had a very bad feeling about this…

“What is that?”

Kaidan didn’t answer as he removed his weapon from his back, quickly bringing up the scope so he could see through it.  
He did not like what he saw.

A massive ship, looking very much like the ship that had attacked the Normandy two years ago, was slowly coming through the clouds, lightning crackling around the ship as it came through the atmosphere.  
He could never forget that damn ship, not for as long as he lived and seeing it again here sent shivers down his spine.

“Get everyone to the safe-house,” he said calmly to Lilith as he tried to shake the surprise off his mind, surprised at how calm he sounded.  
He still had a good grip on his gun, even as he nodded his head towards the inner areas of the colony. He had no idea what to expect, but he had to start preparing.

Especially since he wasn’t sure if this ship would let them evacuate.

That’s when the swarm appeared.

Kaidan stopped thinking and started acting by then, already firing at the swarm.  
“I’ll cover you. Run,” he ordered as he tried to distract the swarm away from the colonist, glad to see that they obeyed him for once.  
It did little good though as the swarm seemed to break into several small groups, going for the fleeing people.  
“Run!”

He continued to fire at the strange insect-like creatures before he heard someone fall behind him.  
He quickly turned around and saw that someone had bumped into Lilith, making her fall over. Without taking his eyes off the swarm, he continued his assault as he walked backwards towards her, only stopping long enough to turn and help her up.

That was probably his biggest mistake.

As something sharp pierced his neck, just above his amp, Kaidan let out a moan of pain before grasping behind him, yanking loose whatever had stung him.  
He took a moment to look at the squirming bug in his hand, sneering a little at it in disgust before giving it a squeeze and tossed it away, his mind already back on defending the colonist.  
He was about to prepare his biotics when he felt himself freeze up.  
It was quick, painless and very surprising as Kaidan felt himself move in one moment, only to just stop.  
Nothing wanted to move, no muscle seemed to function. He couldn’t blink, he could barely breathe and he could not move his body.  
He could move his eyes though, but what he saw happen made him wish he couldn’t.

The big ship was landing and out of it came tall, strange creatures carrying weapons Kaidan had never seen before.  
The aliens themselves were very insect-like, having four, yellow-covered eyeballs in the large head. They were surrounded by the small, insect-like creatures that had stung Kaidan and they were walking very slowly towards him.

He wanted to close his eyes, wanted to brace himself for something to happen, but nothing did.

In hindsight, as he watched the strange, almost insect-like aliens walk past him without even caring that he was there, Kaidan knew he probably could have done something different. He wasn’t sure if he would have gotten a different result, but maybe he could have halted them long enough for the people to get away…  
‘I should have used my biotics,’ he thought, fighting whatever toxic that was running through his system, trying desperately to move his limbs, but to no avail.

It was the most helpless he had ever felt in his life.  
Seeing everything happen and being unable to do anything to stop it. And worse, he was completely ignored to boot. Either that or they were saving him for last as he saw the aliens started bringing the frozen colonies onto their ship.  
They didn’t seem to be in a hurry, bringing out strange, cocoon-like hibernating chambers that they put the colonist into, sealing them in before bringing them onto the ship.

He breathed hard through his nose as he continued to fight, feeling his heart pound in his chest along with the blood rushing through his ears as he attempted the slightest of movements, but to no avail.   
Why couldn’t he move?!

Kaidan didn’t get a lot of time to dwell on it as the sound of gunfire started in the distance, seemingly distracting the aliens.  
They seemed surprised based on the way they suddenly started moving a lot faster, arming themselves with the strange weapons from the ship.  
Maybe some of the colonists had managed to escape after all and were retaliating?

As it turned out, the truth was a heck of a lot more amazing than what he thought.  
Time went a little in a blur as he listened to the sound of increased fighting, the aliens quite obviously stressed about it, maybe even panicking.  
By the time the toxins finally left Kaidan’s system, they were retreating back to the ship in a hurry and not even a poor, biotic attempt from Kaidan managed to stop the last straggler as it squirmed onboard the ship.

When he finally got full movement back, Kaidan answered it by obeying the law of gravity, falling over as his legs suddenly had to carry his weight again.  
He quickly scrambled up again and hurried towards the centre of the colony, wanting to see who had been brave enough to fight the creatures.

What he saw made his heart stop in his chest.

Three very familiar faces were gathered by one of the defence-towers, accompanied by a man that Kaidan hadn’t seen, but he didn’t care. It was the man that Delan, the mechanic was yelling at that had caught Kaidan’s attention.

“Half the colony’s in there! They took Egan and Sam and… And Lilith! Do something!”

“I didn’t want it to end this way. I did what I could.”

“More than most, Shepard.”

“Shepard? Wait. I know that name,” Delan grunted, turning around to glare at the trio in front of him, clearly not caring who he was speaking to.  
“Sure, I remember you,” he added, waving his hand a little towards the man. “You’re some type of big Alliance hero.”

Kaidan couldn’t help himself any longer as his legs seemed to carry him forward out of their own will, moving towards the group.  
“Commander Shepard,” he started as he walked towards them, eyes fixed on the very familiar man.  
“Captain of the Normandy. The first human Spectre. Saviour of the Citadel.”  
He looked towards Delan, gesturing towards Shepard as he did so. “You’re in the presence of a legend, Delan.”  
Then he shifted his eyes towards -him-.

Shepard.

John Shepard.

Commander Shepard.

John.

“And a ghost.”

Shepard looked as stunned to see Kaidan as Kaidan was to see him, remaining silent as Kaidan spoke.

“All the good people we lost and you get left behind. Figures,” Delan grunted before throwing his hand up into the air, having clearly had enough as he turned to leave. Kaidan couldn’t blame him.  
“Screw this. I’m done with you Alliance types,”

Kaidan really couldn’t have cared less that Delan left as he slowly approached Shepard, just taking in the sight.

He looked just like he remembered him.

His hair was still shaved down, revealing that small thin scar at the left side, just above his temple.  
Those clear, almost impossibly blue eyes.  
That strong jaw and straight nose.  
That very soft looking mouth that Kaidan already felt a longing to taste again.

But there were subtle changes too to the man he thought he had known so well.

There were new scars on his face, breaking the almost perfect appearance.  
There was also tiredness in Shepard’s eyes, though it was accompanied with something else as the blue eyes met Kaidan’s own brown ones.  
He wasn’t sure if he dared to let himself believe it was happiness.

Before he could stop himself, he wrapped his arms around Shepard’s body, hugging himself close to him. When Shepard returned the gesture, wrapping his arms around Kaidan’s own armour-clad body, Kaidan inhaled sharply, closing his eyes as he just allowed himself to lean against the man, feeling him against himself even if the armour prevented him from feeling the warmth of his body.  
At least he could feel the warm breath against his neck as Shepard leaned his head against Kaidan’s.

Shepard was alive. 

“I thought you were dead, Shepard… We all did.”

Shepard didn’t say anything. He just tightened his grip around Kaidan, holding him as if he was a life-line for the longest time before he finally released him.  
“It’s been too long, Kaidan,” he murmured, though he seemed to keep his voice neutral, like he’d just seen Kaidan last Tuesday. For some reason, that made Kaidan feel more than a little ticked off.   
“How’ve you been?”

“Is that all you have to say,” Kaidan replied, unable to keep the hurt out of his voice.  
“You show up after two years and just act like nothing happened?”

He could see Shepard flinch ever so slightly, but other than that, he just looked at Kaidan, not saying a word, and the lack of response seemed to pull something out of Kaidan.  
Something he had spent a good amount of time bottling up until it was ready to burst. And now the carefully put-on layers were cracking up.  
“I would have followed you anywhere, Commander,” he suddenly snapped before desperately trying to reel himself in again, taking a step away as soon as he realised that he had actually taken a step towards Shepard, Shepard himself taking a step away from him because of it.

“Thinking you were gone,” Kaidan continued, lowering his voice as he fought to regain control of his emotions, shaking his head some. “-was like loosing a limb…” he finished as he felt himself loosing the battle.  
“Why didn’t you try and contact me, why didn’t you let me know you were alive?!”

Shepard flinched again, but there was also a glimmer of something else in his eyes.  
Annoyance.  
“I was out for two years,” he replied, keeping his voice calm despite the tightness in the man’s jaw. “You had moved on with both your career and your life. Why reopen old wounds?”

Hearing those words from Shepard’s mouth hurt more than watching him die had.  
Whatever little control Kaidan had had over his emotions were now gone as he just decided ‘to hell with it’.  
Apparently he was being dropped like a hot potato.  
“I did move on,” he replied, his voice just as calm as Shepard’s. “At least I thought I did. But now we’ve got reports on you and Cerberus.”

“Reports,” Garrus asked, having stayed out of the moment for the time being. “You mean you already knew?”

Kaidan had almost forgotten that both Garrus and Tali where right behind Shepard, having been so focused on his old Commander.  
What in the hell was the two of them doing here anyway? When and how had Shepard managed to contact them? He couldn’t even feel happy or relieved to see that they were both doing okay. Instead seeing them again made Kaidan wonder just how many others of the old crew Shepard had contacted before he had even attempted to see Kaidan. If he had attempted to see him.   
In theory, Shepard had just accidentally bumped into him and never actually tried to contact him as far as Kaidan knew.  
Was whatever relationship he and Shepard had that insignificant in comparison?  
Had he meant that little to Shepard..?

“Alliance Intel though Cerberus might be behind the missing human colonies,” Kaidan replied, his voice hoarse and low now.   
The only thing he could do was desperately cling on to whatever his mind could wrap itself around and right now, that was work.  
“I got a tip that this colony might be the next one to get hit. Anderson stonewalled me, but there were rumours that you weren’t dead,” he finished, staring right at Shepard, letting the hurt be plain in his eyes, even as his face remained perfectly neutral.  
“That you were working for the enemy.”

“Building the defence towers was just a cover-story,” Shepard replied and Kaidan could hear the slight annoyance in his tone.  
Great, now he was apparently the bad guy.  
“The Alliance sent you here to investigate me, didn’t they?”

“I was here for Cerberus,” Kaidan replied, walking closer towards Shepard, glaring a little at his ex-lover. “You were just a rumour. I wanted to believe that you were alive, but I never expected anything like this.”

He lifted a hand and pointed at Shepard, not bothering to keep the anger out of his voice anymore. It clearly didn’t matter anyway.  
“You’ve turned you back on everything we stood for!”

“Kaidan, you know me. You know I’d only do this for the right reason,” Shepard replied, reaching out to touch Kaidan’s shoulder, but the biotic swatted the hand away. He did not want to be touched right now, even if Shepard gave him a somewhat hurt look.  
“You saw it yourself. The Collectors are targeting human colonies,” Shepard continued instead, taking a step closer towards Kaidan. They were only inches apart now. “-and they are working with the Reapers.”

So it was true.  
The Collectors were targeting human colonies.  
Or were they?   
Kaidan wasn’t sure if he believed Shepard, but he also wasn’t sure if the reason why he didn’t believe him was emotionally or logically. He feared it was a mixture of both.

“I want to believe you, Shepard,” he ended up responding, not willing to back down that easily. As much as he wanted to believe Shepard, loud warning-bells were going off in his head.  
“But I don’t trust Cerberus. They could be using the threat of a Reaper to manipulate you. What if they’re behind it? What if they’re working with the Collectors?”

There. He’d said it.  
He’d basically gone out and said that he didn’t trust Shepard.

“Dammit, Kaidan! You’re so focused on Cerberus that you’re ignoring the real threat!” Garrus barked at Kaidan, clearly annoyed, but Kaidan wasn’t willing to back down that easily.  
He respected Garrus, he really did, but the Turian didn’t have the cleanest track-record when it came to responsibility or going by his own emotions. The Turian had left C-Sec after all, because he didn’t like how things were run.

“You’re letting how you feel about their history get in the way of facts,” Shepard replied in a more calming tone, still staring intensely at Kaidan.

Kaidan didn’t break the gaze. “Maybe,” he responded. “Or maybe you feel like you owe Cerberus because they saved you. Maybe you’re the one who’s not thinking straight.”

He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t look at the man that he’d once held in such high regards, the man he had felt so strongly for… The man who he would have followed to hell and back, but who didn’t seem willing to even contact Kaidan to let him know he was alive.  
“You’ve changed,” he whispered. “But I still know where my loyalties lie. I’m an Alliance soldier, always will be.”  
He shook his head and finally broke the gaze, slowly taking a step away from Shepard. He was afraid that he would do something he would regret. Like hit him in the face, or kiss him. Both were equally tempting. He completely missed the look of hurt and sorrow that appeared in Shepard’s own eyes.  
“I’ve got to report back to the Citadel,” he managed to choke out. “They can decide if they believe your story or not.”  
Then he turned around and started walking to the shuttle-area.

“I could use someone like you in my crew, Kaidan. It’ll be just like old times,” Shepard called out, his voice still so calm.  
Those words pissed Kaidan off beyond belief and it got rooted in his mind that Shepard simply didn’t care. Not like Kaidan did. Especially with the words “someone like you”.  
So anyone would do as long as they had something Kaidan could offer, be it biotics or logistics.

“No, it won’t,” Kaidan finally responded after a few seconds, stopping and turning to give the group one last look.

To give Shepard one last look.

“I’ll never work for Cerberus.” He swallowed hard before he turned his head away.  
“Good bye, Shepard. And be careful.”

Then he continued walking, without looking back.  
He just couldn’t.  
His mind was spinning with too many thoughts, with too many questions, not having an answer to either one of them and not even completely sure what he was thinking or feeling, or what he had even said.  
He felt like he had just blurted out with incoherent blabber, feeling angry and yet so desperate to believe in what was right in front of him.  
He wanted to believe in what Shepard had said, but his mind or feelings wouldn’t let him.  
Heck, he wasn’t even sure if he believed his own eyes.

Shepard was alive.  
Shepard was with Cerberus.  
Cerberus was bad, but Shepard was a good man.  
The collectors were working with the Reapers.  
But what if Cerberus was using Shepard and they were working with the Collectors?  
Shepard didn’t care…

Shepard… Did he care..?

Kaidan shook his head hard as he got into the shuttle-area, though he wasn’t surprised that there were no shuttles there.  
Of course the colony had abandoned the place, he had told them to get to safety.  
At least they had listened. At least some had managed to get away.

Instead he sat down against the wall and pulled his knees up to his chest, burying his face against them.  
He didn’t feel like a Commander right now. He didn’t feel like a thirty-four year old Alliance soldier.

He felt just as lost, scared and alone as he had the day he was shipped home from BaAT, not knowing what to do or who to turn to.  
He felt just as heartbroken too.

In the distance he could hear the sound of a shuttle taking off and he guessed it was Shepard leaving Horizon.  
It was a final nail in the coffin as far as Kaidan was concerned. If Shepard had cared, if Shepard had wanted to talk, he could have followed him. He hadn’t run away, he had walked.

Was he being unfair?  
Maybe. But right now he couldn’t care less about what he was or wasn’t. All he knew was that he was confused as all hell and that he was hurting.  
Maybe it was selfish of him, thinking about himself and not about how Shepard felt in all this, but as far as he was concerned right now, Shepard seemed to be doing just fine. He had his friends, apparently a new crew and a new purpose, even if that purpose had been given to him by Cerberus.

Kaidan tightened his grip around his knees, inhaling hard through his nose before exhaling, repeating it several times until he felt he could think again.  
He had no idea how long he sat there; it could have been minutes or hours for all he knew. He finally got back up onto his feet and walked over to the distress beacon, grateful that it was still functioning. 

As he switched it on, he glanced up onto the sky, just staring while the beacon did its job.

Shepard was alive and he was out there somewhere, while Kaidan was right here, just as alive, but at the same time he wasn’t.  
Two years of healing, of gathering himself and just five minutes with Shepard had ruined everything he had worked for.

That’s what Shepard did to him it seemed.  
He broke Kaidan down, only to rebuild him.  
He had done it on the Normandy, where he had carefully chiselled away the carefully constructed walls Kaidan had had around his emotion, but back then, he had been right there to help Kaidan gather the pieces before aiding in rebuilding him, making him stronger.  
This time, Kaidan had to pick up his own pieces and attempt to put them together on his own.

Because Shepard wasn’t there.  
Not anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was, by far, the hardest chapter for me to write as of yet.  
> Trying my best to put myself into Kaidan's mind, trying to piece together what must have gone through the man as he saw the person he trusted, maybe even loved, stand infront of him.
> 
> Hopefully I did this justice.


	26. The Message

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan sends a message.

“You knew. You knew that Shepard would come to Horizon to investigate and you sent him. You… You encouraged him to go there. Why didn’t you contact me and warn me so I could at the very least have prepared myself?!”

Kaidan wasn’t a man that snapped easily, but when Anderson told him that only a week after Kaidan had left for Horizon, Shepard had appeared in his office, something inside his mind just broke.  
And when Kaidan snapped, he seemed to do put as much effort into that as he did with everything else.

‘No point in doing something unless you are going to do it properly,’ his mother had used to say, but he didn’t think she’d had Kaidan’s temper in mind when she had said that.

Anderson seemed to take it in stride though, letting Kaidan vent out in whatever way he needed, almost as if expecting it.  
“Because it would serve no purpose. You would maybe have judged the situation differently because of it. Because the facts still stand that Shepard is with Cerberus now. Why and how I don’t know, but he is. And he might be doing something good with it since the Alliance is not doing a thing to protect the colonies. At least Shepard is doing something.”

“Or Shepard is dancing after their tune, doing exactly what they want for whatever megalomania plan they might have going on,” Kaidan retorted, tossing his hands into the air.  
“Or he’s just become a new Saren. What do I know.”

“You know more then you allow yourself to remember right now,” Anderson replied.  
“You know, probably better than anyone, what kind of man Shepard is.”

“Was. What kind of man Shepard was. The Shepard I met on Horizon… I am not sure I know him.”

“Be fair, Commander. I know it was an emotionally heavy meeting for you since I know you two were good friends, but you are not thinking logically right now. I am not sure you are seeing the entire picture.”

“Why are you defending him,” Kaidan snapped, giving the Councillor a glare.  
He would have to praise himself lucky later, for being on such good terms and knowing Anderson as well as he did. If it had been anyone else he had been talking to like this, he would probably been tossed headfirst out of the office.  
“You said it yourself that you are not thrilled about Shepard being with Cerberus and yet you helped him. You sent him to Horizon, you… You restored his Spectre-status!”

“I am not thrilled about the situation, Alenko, but we had a good talk, while he was here. I am not supporting it, but I think I understand him.”

“And that makes it all okay that Shepard is with a group that slaughters all other species that are not human -and- conducts experiments on humans in order to enhance our abilities.”

“Alenko,” Anderson warned, giving Kaidan a look.

Kaidan inhaled sharply and set his jaw, just focusing on breathing for a few moments. Allowing himself to cool down.  
“… Forgive me, Councillor, but this is a pretty big deal. Shepard alive, a pro-human terrorist group such as Cerberus suddenly turning into good guys, the Collectors working with the Reapers by stealing humans, it’s… It’s all a huge mess.”

Kaidan had, naturally, given the Council a very detailed report about what had happened on Horizon, noting down everything he had seen, what had happened and conversations relevant to his report.  
He just wished he had pictures, but just like in every other case with attacked human colonies, every surveillance-camera had been non-functioning. He could already see the members of the Council, save from Anderson, look at the report before dismissing it.  
Just like they had dismissed Shepard and the Reapers.

But as long as one member believed it, they couldn’t try to sweep it under the rug. In return though, Anderson had one heck of a battle in front of him in order to explain his reasoning.  
Kaidan was just glad it wasn’t him. He had his own battles to fight right now within the Alliance.

“I know it is, Alenko. But I do trust Shepard and I think you should do the same. He is with good people.”

Kaidan raised an eyebrow. “Yeah, I saw that. Garrus and Tali were on Horizon too.”

“Not only them, but Joker are with him as well as doctor Chakwas.”

“What..?”

“He is recruiting quite the crew. A lot of… colourful people are with him, as far as I understand it. He couldn’t tell me much, but while on the Citadel, he was looking for a Drell amongst other things.”

“… And he is recruiting them for what?”

“He didn’t go into details, but as far as I understood it, he is planning a direct strike towards the Collectors. He just has to find their base first.”

Kaidan just nodded, feeling his heart sink further down into his stomach.  
So even Joker and Chakwas was with Shepard and not only that. He was recruiting people to help him.  
Did he trust Kaidan that little to accept the help of strangers before contacting him..?

“I told him to forget it.”

Kaidan looked towards Anderson. “Pardon?”

“He asked about your whereabouts. I told him to forget it.”

“Forget what..?”

“Forget recruiting you. He was quite interested in knowing where you were and how you had been, but I told him to not push the issue. To leave you alone, for the time being. He did not know you were on Horizon when he said he was going there, nor did I tell him before he left. Meeting you there was as just as much as surprise for him as it was for you.”

“So he didn’t know I was there.”

“I couldn’t risk jeopardizing your mission. I understand your concerns about Cerberus and I share them whole-heartedly. But what Shepard told me matches your report and I do not think Shepard is lying. I think, thanks to him, that Cerberus is actually trying to do something good. For what end-goal, I do not know, but if they are plotting something, you can be damn sure that Shepard will be there to pull the plug on it.”

“You sound so sure.”

“I know the man, Alenko. I trained him and put him through hell during his N7 days.”

“And yet you claim that I know him the best.”

“You know the man behind the soldier. I just know what makes him tick.”

Kaidan didn’t quite buy that one, but it also made him wonder just how much Anderson knew about his and Shepard’s relationship. If he didn’t know better he would have sworn that the man knew everything and then some.  
“I think you give me too much credit. Spending little under a year together doesn’t make me know him better than the man who trained him. I am not exactly a people-person.”

For some reason, that made Anderson chuckle softly.  
“True, but you are not a man who judges on appearance alone. You take everything you can, impressions, conversations, thoughts and facts, and you put it together in order to see the bigger picture. That’s what you did with Shepard on the Normandy and that is what I am asking you to do now. Take what you know about the man and put it together with what you have learned now. If anything, aim your distrust towards the man known as the Illusive man.”

Kaidan frowned some, but it did set him thinking.

Nobody knew a lot about the Illusive man, only that he was the apparent founder and leader of Cerberus. Nobody knew who the man was or what had made him into who he was now, only that he seemed to have an endless supply of funds and men at his disposal and was known to be a master of manipulation.  
It wasn’t unlikely that this was all part of an intricate plan, like Kaidan and Anderson had first suspected during their conversation before Horizon.

But then there was Shepard…

Shepard was a strong man, a smart man, but he was also a good man. One that could be forced into something against his will, given the right circumstances. But just the fact that he saw Garrus and Tali with him told him that Shepard was doing this because he believed it was the right thing to do. He would not risk the lives of two good friends by letting them be with an organization such as Cerberus.  
It could still be manipulation, yes, but Kaidan had no way of telling if it was.  
All he knew was what his eyes could tell him and Kaidan knew that eyes could lie just as much as anything else.

“I am not sure what you are asking of me,” he finally said after a long stretch of silence.  
“But if you are asking me to believe in Shepard… Well. I can try. I can believe in him, but I am not sure if I can trust him.”

“Whatever you need to do,” Anderson concluded before moving to his desk to sit down.  
“For now though, consider yourself dismissed. You can report back to the Alliance HQ on the Citadel. I suspect that Hackett will be in touch with you shortly for a new assignment.”

Kaidan just nodded before saluting Anderson, responding with a sharp “Sir,” before he turned to leave.  
He wasn’t sure if he had gotten anything out of the meeting with the Councillor, save from a throbbing headache, but at least he had gotten to vent ever so slightly.

He was amazed that Anderson still put so much stock in Shepard and it made Kaidan feel a little insecure.  
Anderson was a smart man and if he trusted Shepard, shouldn’t Kaidan be able to ask well?  
Or was the hurt from seeing the man again so big that it was preventing Kaidan from thinking about this in a logical way.

Because Kaidan could still feel that ache inside his chest and it was little he could do right now to properly soothe it.

But there was one thing he had done that he was still wondering if had been the right thing to do.

When Kaidan had returned to the Citadel, he had contacted Michael and cancelled the date, saying he needed some time for himself.  
Michael had, at the start, taken it well, but when Kaidan continued to just about stonewall the man, not able to give any proper answers or explanation, Michael had, understandably enough, had enough.  
Kaidan didn’t blame him, he had wanted to explain why to him, but how the heck did you explain that your lover had come back from the dead and while you didn’t want to be with him anymore, you also didn’t want to be with anyone?  
In the end, Kaidan had just tried to explain that he needed some space to himself, that had he hadn’t been as ready to date as he thought he had been. While Michael hadn’t been happy about it, he had also understood it. Kaidan wasn’t sure if he could call him a friend anymore, but at least they had decided to end their… Whatever it was, on good terms.  
Michael definitely deserved someone better.

He would probably need to find someone else to check his amps and implants though.

When he finally returned to his small apartment, Kaidan immediately went to his bedroom and let himself fall onto the bed, feeling tense all over.

It had been a whole four days since he had seen Shepard on Horizon, but his body was still feeling the shock.  
His heart was pounding from the surprise, his mind was still reeling, trying to process what had happened. Even after trying to think about this in a more logical way, his emotions seemed to have no problems butting into the thought progress and messing everything up.

He wouldn’t be surprised if he would take another two years to get over this. That seemed to be the norm when it came to Shepard.

Though as much as his head hurt from all the thinking, there was also something inside him that hurt almost worse than his head.  
His heart and stomach.

As much as he did not trust Cerberus and would never go with them, part of him had wanted for Shepard to ask him. To beg him.  
Not in the casual “I need someone like you” that he had thrown out on Horizon, but actually come to him and say “I need -you-, Kaidan.”. 

He had felt like such a child after lashing out at Shepard, only to receive the casual, almost cryptic answers in return. Maybe it was Anderson’s doing, but if Shepard had wanted to have anything to do with Kaidan, he would have done it anyway.  
In a way, it had just made Kaidan angrier to know that and he hated that fact. He knew he had somewhat of a temper, especially when his emotions were on such as high as then, but he hadn’t lashed out like that on anyone since his day at BaAT…  
He had almost forgotten how it felt to just snap like he had then and it made him feel somewhat vulnerable.

He was supposed to know better by now.

Sighing, Kaidan turned to lie on his side, wrapping an arm around his pillow and burying his face against it.

There were too many “maybes” floating around in the air and Kaidan really didn’t feel like dealing with them right now. He knew he wouldn’t get anything useful out of all the questions right now anyway and he knew better than to dwell on the “maybe’s”; nothing good ever came out of that.

What was done was done.  
All that mattered now was what Kaidan chose to do about it.

He would figure that one out as it came.

***

Kaidan was allowed another two days off in order to recuperate properly from the events on Horizon. The two day shuttle-trip from the colony to the Citadel wasn’t exactly comfortable, and Kaidan had spent most of that time fretting and working on his reports.  
The conversation with Anderson hadn’t exactly helped much on his mind either, not to mention that he still felt bad about the deal with Michael.

Now the time was used on more reports and to have himself checked for toxins from the strange insect that had paralyzed him, just in case there were any side-effects that could be harmful.  
Kaidan wasn’t really surprised that the tests came up clean, but he was also disappointed. It would have made good evidence in the case he was working on building.

The rumours about Shepard’s return were also growing in numbers; everything from “personal experiences” to wild stories about heroic rescues was spreading like fire on the Citadel. Not only that, but reports were starting to stream in from different Alliance groups and human-based colonies, solidifying what Kaidan already knew, but also creating a whole new mood within the Alliance and the Citadel. Stories were flying and while it annoyed Kaidan to listen to them, it also reassured him to know that Shepard was still out there and still, seemingly, doing good.  
He just couldn’t help waiting for that bombshell to drop. Waiting for that one report to show that Cerberus had now done something terrible and that Shepard was the man behind it.

He hoped he would wait for it forever.

More time passed and with it, more reports on Cerberus and Shepard started appearing, having a more serious and factual light on them now that it was very much confirmed that Shepard was alive and well.  
Cerberus seemed to be doing very good work as well, downright putting the Alliance to shame and in turn, making Kaidan feel very embarrassed.

Kaidan himself had started working more on the Collector reports, pushing on the Alliance to take action as well as attempting to make the Council listen to him and Anderson, but it was long and hard work without the evidence.

He hadn’t travelled off the Citadel since that last mission either, but it wasn’t because they thought he had had a relapse. No mention of him needing more therapy had been aired to him at least.  
Instead, Anderson had offered him a role as a teacher for a new Spec-Ops Division for biotics, with the focus on covert and high-risk missions. Kaidan had turned him down, not quite seeming himself as a teacher. It would mean he would be transferred back to Earth and while that in itself was appealing, it would mean that he wouldn’t serve in the same way. He preferred getting his hands dirty, to be out there and doing good, not sitting on his ass, safely while others risked their lives. It just wasn’t appealing to him.  
Anderson had understood and respected Kaidan’s no, but he hadn’t accepted it either. He had told him to “think about it”, which Kaidan said alright to.

Anderson was a hard man to say no to.

For now though, Kaidan found that he found that he enjoyed the work he was doing on the reports; it gave him a much needed break from thinking about Shepard as he tried his very best to squish the many confusing thoughts and emotions he was having about the man.

He had a lot of them.

He hadn’t heard from Shepard since their meeting on Horizon and that was eating on him, making him feel a mix of guilty and angry with the man, even if he didn’t want to admit it.  
It was obvious that he owed the man an apology, he wasn’t stupid, but at the same time he felt that there was something wrong with the entire picture.  
Or maybe it was his own feelings about Cerberus that made him feel that way, but until he could be sure that Cerberus truly had turned over a new leaf, with or without Shepard, he chose to be careful.  
Andersons’ words about Cerberus and the Illusive man was still ringing in his head, and based on their history, using caution was the right thing to do. At least for him.

That didn’t mean he couldn’t try to apologize to Shepard though.  
He had crossed a line and been a bit unfair to him, not knowing the entire story. He still didn’t, but he wanted to learn it… If Shepard wanted to share it.  
The lack of contact was bothering Kaidan some, but at the same time, he understood it. He had basically shut the door on Shepard, even if he had meant to leave a gap for the man to exploit if he wanted to.

He hadn’t heard anything from the others either, though to his surprise, Liara had left him a brief e-mail saying that she had met Shepard not long ago.  
Apparently she was currently on Illium, doing work she didn’t want to elaborate on, when Shepard had come to her office.  
She had, like him, declined his offer to join in on the crew, but based on the way she wrote, it was like she knew something that Kaidan didn’t. Like Shepard dropping in was a mild surprise because he hadn’t called first.

He had responded in kind that he too had seen Shepard, but left it at that.  
He didn’t feel like elaborating on what had gone down on Horizon and he was sure that Liara knew anyway. Shepard had probably told her; Kaidan knew that the two of them had bonded thanks to the strange melding ability she had used on Shepard to “read” his mind.  
He didn’t want to admit it, but a small part of him was a little envious because of it, especially after the deal on Horizon.

But it was also because of the e-mail from Liara that Kaidan found himself in front of his computer, reading over the last report on Shepard and feeling his own guilt gnaw in the pit of his stomach along with all the other emotions he was feeling: anger, distrust, sorrow, longing.

Maybe he had shut the door too hard for Shepard to even dare attempt to open again.  
Maybe he had overreacted.  
Maybe he was right, but that didn’t mean that Shepard didn’t deserve a chance to prove himself and his intentions.

He had started several e-mails, trying to word himself the best he could, and deleted just as many. He had never been big on writing messages like this, preferring to take it face to face so he could speak his mind. He had played with the thought of just calling Shepard, but found he lacked the courage for that as well.  
It hadn’t been easy, but he had managed to get a hold of Shepard’s Omni-number through a few selected contacts, but so far he had just stared at it, wondering what the hell to do with it.

He had gotten the idea of maybe just recording a message for Shepard, even if that in itself was a little impersonal in his own opinion, but so far it seemed like the best option.  
It was the many messages he had heard from the Citadel that made him decide on it in the end, after hearing Shepard’s voice one time to many as he said “I’m Commander Shepard and this is my favourite store on the Citadel”. He honestly had been tempted to face-palm there and then, carrying an armload of groceries.  
Even after dying once, Shepard clearly had no shame, despite being very professional when he was working. Kaidan guessed that some things couldn’t even be changed in death.

So now Kaidan was staring at his computer-screen, a glass half-full of whiskey standing next to it, watching the program as it waited for him to speak.  
He hadn’t rehearsed, had barely decided what to say and had no idea how to say it.

So he just said it.

“Shepard,” he started, closing his eyes as he tried to figure out what to say.  
“I’m sorry for what I said back on Horizon.”

It was a start, he figured as he decided to try and explain himself right away. No point in beating around the bush. No leaving himself a way out of this one.

“I spent two years pulling myself back together after you went down with the Normandy. It took me a long time to get over my guilt for surviving and move on.”  
He hesitated for a moment before deciding to just spill everything.  
“I’d finally let my friends talk me into going out for drinks with a doctor on the Citadel. Nothing serious, but trying to let myself have a life again, you know?”

‘There,’ he thought to himself. ‘There is your opening, Shepard.’  
He hesitated again before inhaling deeply, letting himself continue.

“And then I saw you, and,” he murmured, already feeling his voice become thick with emotion. “,- and everything pulled hard to port. I mean, you were standing in front of me, but… you were with Cerberus.”

Kaidan hesitated for a moment before deciding to just speak. He didn’t want to think first, that was usually bad. Thinking made him hesitate and he didn’t want to hesitate now. He couldn’t hesitate now.  
Instead he let out a small, bitter chuckle as he continued speaking. “I guess I really don’t know who either of us is anymore.” 

Another hesitation before opening up the biggest wound.  
“Do you even remember that night before Ilos?” he whispered, swallowing thickly. “That night… meant everything to me… Maybe it meant as much to you, but… A lot has changed in the last two years, and… I can’t just put that aside.”

He reached out and took his glass of whiskey, taking a quick drink from it before continuing. He focused on the burn in his throat instead of the throb in his heart as he tried not to make this about that night.  
This was bigger than that.

“But please be careful,” he said after a moments break, trying his best to choose his words without thinking too much about them.  
“I’ve watched too many people close to me die… on Eden Prime, on Virmire, on Horizon… On the Normandy.”

Jenkins.  
Ashley.  
Lilith.  
Pressly.  
There were so many names and Kaidan couldn’t, or wouldn’t, let himself forget even one of them.

“I couldn’t bear it if I lost you again. If you’re still the man I remember, I know you’ll find a way to stop these Collector attacks.”

He believed him. That had to mean something, right?

“But Cerberus is,” he started, shaking his head some as he felt his voice hitch for a moment. “But Cerberus is too dangerous to be trusted,” he continued, almost pleading at Shepard to just listen to him.

Another pause. Another sip of whiskey.

“Watch yourself,” he said after a second or two, letting himself swallow the burning liquid.  
“Look… When things settle down a little… maybe… I don’t know.”

Another opening. An invitation.

He hesitated again before sighing and deciding to just wrap it up.  
“Just take care.”

Kaidan closed the recording before he started going completely off track and saved it, considering deleting the entire thing and trying again before deciding against it.  
Instead he turned it on and listened to it, finishing his whiskey as he tried to make sense of his own words, not even recognising the hoarse voice on the recording.  
The hesitations and stuttering, yes, but not the downright incoherent jumble of words that made up the message.  
He was usually better than that, or so he liked to think.

Maybe Shepard would understand it.  
If he even cared.

That small ache in his chest blossomed up again as Kaidan thought about Shepard again, biting his bottom lip before he slowly brought his hand to the keyboard, and just as slowly typed in Shepard’s contact-details before attaching the recording to the message.  
Then he just stared at it, eyes on Shepard’s name and the recording, for the longest time. Trying to build courage to either send the message or let himself chicken out and the delete the damn thing.

Shaking his head, Kaidan reached out and grasped the glass from beside the computer, then frowned as he remembered that he’d finished the whiskey earlier.  
He was halfway considering getting up and getting some more, but at the same time, he was reluctant. He didn’t want to be the guy that got drunk to dull his own pain.

Throwing one more look at his computer, Kaidan mumbled “to hell with it,” to himself before reaching out and pressed send before he could change his mind.  
He held his breath while watching the small icon in the left corner of his screen spin around, showing that the message was sending. Before Kaidan could change his mind, the speakers let out a soft ping and the message was sent.

It was with Shepard now.


	27. Waiting for News

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan waits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a bit shorter than the others, but I feel it's serving as a link to the events happening right before the end of Mass Effect 2.

Time had a strange way of flowing when you were trying to pass it at the same time as you were waiting for something.  
It felt like Kaidan had sent the message just last week and was now waiting, hoping for an answer at the same time as the days went slowly by. In truth, two weeks had actually passed since Kaidan had sent that message, but it certainly didn't feel like it.  
At least not until the reports started dropping in, one after the other.

Shepard had just sacrificed an entire colony of Batarians for the sake of destroying a mass relay.

Shepard had infiltrated a Collector ship.

Shepard had destroyed several Cerberus bases because of a rogue VI.  
Kaidan was still trying to figure out that one amongst all the other things he had heard.

And those were just the big things that had spread like wild-fire, but Kaidan sat on a lot of information that had been gathered and sent to him.  
Exactly when he got responsible for what was now nick-named “the Shepard files”, he didn’t know and he honestly didn’t know what to think about it as reports, old and new, seemed to be sent his way. Either someone had decided that, since he was one of the few officers who had worked up close with Shepard, he should be in charge of judging the reports, or everything Shepard had done was only now starting to surface. And he couldn't deny that Shepard had been very busy since Horizon.  
What did bother him though was that he just got the general reports, not the actual reports that had been sent to either Hackett or Anderson. They were always marked as classified and after Hackett had given him cryptic answers and Anderson simply saying “I cannot comment on it”, Kaidan had given up on asking.   
Even with the rank of “Commander”, there was certain things he couldn’t get access too.

He wasn’t sure if he wanted to know though, especially as he tried to wrap his head around the deal with the Batarians when he first got that report.  
The Batarians were, understandably, after blood for that one, but there was a note in the files that made Kaidan stop and think as he read it.  
Shepard was willing to let himself be arrested and put to trial for it, as long as he got to finish his mission first.

Just that alone made Kaidan realise that something about the general report was off and he requested to see the original report written by Shepard himself. There was clearly more to it than just the destruction of a mass relay and an entire colony because some woman went mad.  
By the time he got that wish granted, Shepard had already infiltrated the Collector ship and gotten away with it with his life and crew still intact, but in return, Kaidan was slowly getting a sense of calm.  
The general reports and the rumours had said nothing about why Shepard had done what he had done. Upon reading the truth, or at least the truth as Shepard had written it, Kaidan had felt a little better. But only a little.  
It wasn’t the first time Shepard has sacrificed a lot of people for the “good of the mission”, but Kaidan had been there when Shepard had made that particular choice and he knew how much it had weighed down on the man. He suspected that there was a similar reason as to why Shepard had let this happen, but without being there himself…  
It was a harder pill to swallow.

He didn’t get much time to reflect on it as the next report came in, describing the details of when Shepard had infiltrating what had supposedly been an abandoned Collector ship.

The Alliance had, by then, almost stopped sending people out on mission, only where they were requested by Hackett as the Admiral tried his best to keep things under control.  
It was almost like he was trying to keep people out of Shepard’s way, but exactly why was unclear and nobody was asking by now.  
Something big was going on and what infuriated Kaidan the most was that people seemed to blatantly ignore it, even as it more or less stared people in the face.

So he continued to watch, continued to wait and he continued to work on whatever he could, and there was one thing that he couldn't deny, even if he wanted to.  
Shepard had been busy. And efficient.

The collector attacks weren’t stopping, though they were less frequent than before. He had all but taken over that duty as well, sending people to locations were Collectors were spotted to investigate, though it rarely bore fruit.  
But at least he was doing something and he took comfort in that fact.

He had also started to think more seriously about Anderson’s suggestion, even dropping in on the Spec-Ops training by holo-cam to watch the instructors and listening to exactly what they were doing. Just to get a taste of what was asked of him.  
While the instructors did good work and it was an honour to even be considered for such a role, he still wasn’t sure if he was cut out for it.  
It was serious work, dangerous work. It wasn’t exactly the N7 program, but the classes were tough. Only the best continued. 

Kaidan did not feel good enough to become their teacher.

Anderson was nothing but persistent though, claiming that it had to be him, that he was the most logical choice, but Kaidan still wasn’t sure.  
Especially not what Anderson revealed that he didn’t only want him to become a teacher for the Spec-Ops Biotic Division. He wanted Kaidan to take over the program for him.  
He wanted Kaidan to take part and lead the first Special Operations Division that specialised on individuals with biotic abilities.

And there was a huge difference between taking part of a program and taking over the program.

“Just what does it mean,” Kaidan asked just a couple of weeks after Shepard’s miraculous escape from the Collector ship. He had just gotten the briefing from Anderson, having asked to be kept up to date as much as Anderson could allow, when the thought had hit him.  
“When you say that you want me to take over the program.”

“It means exactly what I say,” Anderson had replied, running a hand over his chin as he read over a report on his computer screen.  
Kaidan merely watched, leaning against the wall next to the door, arms crossed over his chest.  
“While biotics in the Alliance is no longer something new, we’ve never has proper specialised training for them. At least not to this extend. Human biotics have only been training properly for the last twenty or so years and we want to give them a chance to reach further, to further enhance their abilities. The Spec-Ops program has enough people to expand, and creating a Spec-Ops division that specialises in biotics is something that is, in my opinion, long overdue. And you, Alenko, are amongst the first, and best human biotics.”

“There is a big difference between being a biotic and teaching biotics, sir,” Kaidan replied, one eyebrow raised, hoping that his ears weren’t as red as they felt.  
“Just because I am a biotic doesn’t mean I am qualified to teach people how to use their skills, especially not someone who’s a part of the Spec-Ops team.”

“And why not,” Anderson had asked, looking up from his screen and towards Kaidan.  
“You have something many human biotics don’t have, namely hands on experience. You have seen both the ugly and the good. You have seen the results from using your biotics and not using them. Of enhancing them. You were one of the many unfortunate who got to taste the first training and you grew from it.”

“That’s certainly one way of putting it,” Kaidan mumbled, but quickly shut up when Anderson gave him a look.  
“I see where you are getting at, sir,” he corrected himself, straightening himself up a little, unfolding his arms from over his chest and placing them behind his back instead.  
“But… I am still not sure if I am what you are looking for. I mean, me and teaching..?”

“And I stand by what I say, Alenko,” Anderson said.  
“I think you will be, in my opinion, the perfect choice.”

When Kaidan failed to respond, Anderson merely gave him a small smile. “Just continue to think about it for a couple of more weeks. In the meantime, I am sure you have enough to do with the continuing stream of Shepard rumours.”

“I am still wondering why I am responsible for them,” Kaidan replied, pushing himself away from the wall.

“Because you are just about the only one who is still able to keep a neutral eye on what is going on, even with your distaste for Cerberus. Either people are throwing shit after Shepard, or they are glorifying him. Neither are things that Shepard currently need.”  
Anderson hesitated for a moment before looking at Kaidan. “In fact… There is something I have been meaning to ask you.”

Kaidan stopped his pacing. He wasn’t even sure when he had started.  
“Sir?”

Anderson didn’t continue speaking right away. Instead he straightened up in his chair before slowly standing up.  
“I want you to defend Shepard once he finishes his mission, should he survive.”

Kaidan flinched. “… Sir?”

Anderson held his hand up, though he didn’t look at Kaidan.  
“I know this is asking a lot of you, Commander. I know I have asked a lot of you in the last months, but I am asking you for a reason.”  
He finally turned his head to look at the biotic, bringing his hand back down. “I am asking you because I know you can be trusted with this. All of it. And the reason I am asking you to defend Shepard in the time to come, should it come, is simply because of your relationship with him.”

Kaidan tried not to grimace. “Sir, I think that-“  
He shut up as Anderson lifted his hand again, inhaling slowly and deeply.

“Listen, Alenko. I know Horizon was tough on you. I am not going to ask why you reacted the way you did,” he started, making Kaidan bite his lip hard, remaining silent as Anderson continued to talk.   
“But out of everyone in the galaxy, you are the one that sit on the exact same experience as Shepard does when it comes to the Reapers. You were a part of his crew, you saw yourself what had to be done when it came to stopping just one of them. The Batarians are after blood; Shepard’s blood, and Shepard is willing to give himself up to them as soon as he is done.”

Kaidan nodded. He had read the reports and, as Anderson said, he knew the man.

“But I am not going to give him to them without a fight. I know Shepard didn’t sacrifice that colony for no reason.”

“Sir, even if that is true, why do you want me to defend him?” Kaidan protested, gesturing to himself with both hands.   
“I was not there, I don’t know his reasons or the situation. All I know is the general reports and the parts of the official reports that I was allowed to read.”

“But you know Shepard,” Anderson said, making Kaidan deflate ever so slightly.

It was the same “argument” he had used right after Horizon and it left the biotic with a odd sense of bitterness as well as sorrow, with pride hidden well underneath the layers of hurt.

Anderson was a lot of things and one of them was smart, and he could see the look that appeared in Kaidan’s eyes when he had spoken.  
“Alenko,” he said as he walked up to him, placing his hands on the biotics' shoulders before giving them a squeeze.  
“Think about it,” he murmured, nodding his head a little. “Not just what we have spoken about now, but all of it. From the start.”

“You are asking a lot of me,” Kaidan whispered, but there was something raw and honest in his voice.  
“I know you are aware, Sir, but…”

He hesitated, but Anderson nodded at him, encouraging him to continue. “Talk to me, Alenko. Off the record. This will be between you and me.”

Kaidan looked to the side for a moment, once again feeling like a child rather than a grown man. He just didn’t know what to say or how to say the few things he was able to conjure up in his mind.  
“It’s… Complicated, Sir.”

“It usually is,” Anderson replied.  
“For what it is worth, Alenko, I am not doing this to punish you or make you feel uncomfortable. The reason why I am asking you to do this is because I know how much Shepard means to you. It is obvious that he still does mean something or you wouldn’t react in the way you are. And I know you mean a lot to Shepard. He wouldn’t have asked the questions he did if he didn’t still have your best interest in mind. Maybe you will never be as close as you used to be, but tell me this. Would you be able to live with yourself if you didn’t do all that you could for something you know is right?”

Kaidan licked over his lips as he thought about what Anderson was saying.  
It wasn’t hard to understand what Anderson meant, but there was a dual-message hidden in the words.  
It wasn’t just about what Shepard had done, but also about him and Shepard.

He made it sound so damn easy.  
Kaidan wished it was that damn easy.

“What do you want me to do,” he finally said after a minute had passed in silence, finally looking into Anderson’s eyes as he turned his head back.

“I want you to do what you do best,” Anderson said, squeezing Kaidan’s shoulders again before releasing him.  
“I want you to do what’s right.”

“That’s… Not a lot to go by, Sir.”

“It’s enough,” Anderson said, giving Kaidan a warm smile as he moved back to his desk.  
“You will know what to do when the time for it comes. For now, we have more pressing matters to handle.”

How Anderson could switch between subject with such ease, Kaidan would never understand, while all he himself could do was nod and cough out a quick “Yes, Sir,” as he approached the desk again.  
Still, he was grateful for the shift in subject. It seemed like every time he thought about Shepard these days, it just sent his head spinning. The fact that Shepard still hadn't answered the e-mail he had sent him didn't really help either. It was either the a clear answer to what Shepard's feelings were, or he didn't want Kaidan to get involved.

They continued their work without further discussion on the matter of Shepard, at least not Shepard alone. They had a case to build for the Council about the Collectors and Kaidan wanted to do all he could to help Anderson when he took it up with the Councillors again. The evidence was right there, it just wasn't very strong...  
The fact that, as Kaidan still loathed to think about, Shepard was with Cerberus did nothing to help in the cause either.

Neither did Udina as he came marching into Anderson's office, looking a tad red in the face.  
"Councillor, I must speak with you."

Anderson sighed and nodded. "Very well, I suppose I can spare some time."

Kaidan remained hunched over the computer until he heard Udina clear his throat in a not-so-discreet manner. "Alone, Councillor."

Anderson raised an eyebrow before looking at Kaidan, nodding his head once. "We will wrap this up later, Commander Alenko. I'll send you the reports so you can continue to look at them until next time."

"Yes, Councillor," Kaidan said, snapping a salute at Anderson (old habits really died hard) before turning and leaving, giving Udina a respectful nod with his head as he passed him.  
He didn't dislike the guy, but Udina was definitely... Passionate about his job.

He didn't even wait for Kaidan to leave the room before he started talking.  
Or as Kaidan called it, ranting.

"Councillor, you must stop aiding the Alliance constantly about Shepard, you have to think about what is best for hu-," was the last thing Kaidan heard as the doors slid shut behind him. He already felt sorry for Anderson, but if there was anyone who could handle Udina and his rants, it was Anderson.

As for him...   
Well, there was very little for him to do, now that the Alliance seemed to stay out of everybody's business. Or rather, seemed to keep him out of business, preferring to have him somewhat stationed. As if they were afraid he would change his mind and run after Shepard after all...   
All he could do was wait for Anderson to send him the reports they had been writing together so he could add to it, if he felt the need to.

With that in mind he returned back to the Alliance base, hoping that he could at least get something done that was of use, be it for the Alliance, for Anderson or, if that was even possible, for Shepard.

As he entered the Alliance base, flashing his ID so he could get clearance, Kaidan only made a brief pit-stop by the coffee-maker before returning to his desk, not even bothering to check his mail because his omnitool hadn't given him any notifications.  
When he reached his desk though, there was something else waiting for him.

There, laying next to his computer screen and the empty wrappings of a protein-bar was a compad, it's top-light flashing insistently.  
Frowning, Kaidan picked it up with his free hand and opened the blinking message with his other hand, using his pinkie-finger. He wasn't expecting anything and the fact that it had just been left on his desk made him more than a little curious.   
What he found out though was enough to make him sit down heavily onto his chair, almost dropping his coffee over his lap. He was sure he made for an amusing sight, with his eyes wide and mouth slightly open, but at the moment he couldn't have cared less.

The message was from Hackett and was in itself small, but informative.

Shepard was now on his way to the Omega 4 relay and there was nothing that could be done to stop him, even if the Alliance wanted to.


	28. Welcome Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan takes on a new role.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for this late update! I've been a bit busy with real life, trying to find a new job, moving and just getting used to a new place in general. Hopefully I will be back now with more frequent updates!

When the ball started rolling, it certainly rolled fast and Kaidan cursed himself for not being able to keep up as well as he wanted to.

He had two com-pads under his arm, a third he was holding and attempting to read as he quickly walked down the hallway, only barely managing to give a light nod in greeting to people who saluted him or greeted him at the same time as he was trying to jam another protein bar into his mouth without looking like a complete barbarian.

For someone who had been sitting passively on the sideline while Shepard had been out, risking his life, the Alliance certainly moved quickly when the right people were pointing their fingers at them.  
Shepard had been returned to Earth thanks to Anderson a mere two week ago, almost two weeks since the message that Shepard has gone to the Omega 4 Relay had been delivered to Kaidan. 

The so-called suicide mission had been pulled off without a hitch and, ironically enough, the few who had died had been Cerberus personnel. Shepard's own crew had escaped with nothing but cuts and bruises.  
Not only that, Shepard had personally contacted the Alliance for pick-up as soon as they were back from their mission, giving who-ever felt like it the chance to leave since they were not part of the Alliance, before letting himself be taken in and flown back to the Citadel.

Things had continued to spin from there.

With Shepard's arrest, the Batarians were hungry to get him to trial, but Anderson wouldn't budge on it, saying that it was first and foremost in the hands of the Alliance since Shepard was, first and foremost, an Alliance soldier.  
To add to his defence, Anderson also stepped down as Councillor, passing the torch to Udina so he could go back to the Alliance.  
Kaidan suspected that Shepard's arrest had something to do with that, even if the Captain didn't come out and say it.

What did surprise Kaidan was that the Council allowed Shepard to be returned to earth so the trial could be handled there, but he had his suspicions as to why.  
After everything that Shepard had done for them, they were probably trying their best to offer what little they could in return, though they were quick to pull out the fact that "since Batarians did not have a seat on the Council, it was not a matter for the Council to handle. This was between the Batarians and the humans, and the humans wanted to settle it on their terms."   
And since Anderson had been the human Councillor at the time, his wish won.

Now things were cooking and Kaidan was barely able to wrap his head around half the things that were going on.  
He himself was honouring Anderson's wish to defend Shepard the best he could when it came to the Reapers and Collectors, and while he hadn't been called up for that just yet, Kaidan knew it was only a matter of time before the matter would be brought up.

He had enough to do, that was for certain, but he did like it that way.  
Which was why he had also finally caved in and accepted Anderson's offer to start as a teacher for the Spec-Ops Biotics Division, sending in an informal application for the Alliance records about one week ago.

There was only one problem with his "application" and that was Kaidan's current rank.  
He could not be a teacher or leader for an entire Division with the rank of Commander.

That was a problem that was easily resolved because, no matter how much the Alliance liked to enforce their rules, they had no other option.  
As far as Kaidan knew, any leader of any Division had to be a qualified O-7, or General, but there was no human biotic that had reached that far yet. 

Heck, Kaidan was the only biotic that had reached the rank of Commander so far.

Anderson had found a solution for it and soon enough, with the Alliance top-brass agreeing on the decision, Kaidan had been offered the rank of Major. With his records and achievements, they felt that was more than good enough to take on the part as a teacher, even if it was minimum requirements they were going for.  
It felt a bit odd and left Kaidan with a slightly bitter taste in his mouth, knowing that he was only offered the rank because of necessity and not because of his accomplishments, but Anderson assured him that with his service records, it was only a matter of time before the offer had gone for those exact reasons. They had merely "sped the process up".

Kaidan wasn't sure if he bought that, but he had accepted it. 

Nodding his head to the guard outside the hearing-room, Kaidan managed to locate and show his ID before stepping inside, disposing of the empty wrapper into the trashcan beside the door before quietly sitting down with the rest of the audience, waiting for the latest hearings about the case and hoping he didn't have crumbs around his mouth.

There were informal hearings for now, the jury wanting to decide just -what- to do with Shepard before they would tackle the real deal, knowing that there were a lot of eyes watching them when it came to this.  
For now, Shepard was in high-security jail and while Kaidan hadn't visited him, he knew where he was being held. He didn't think it was because they were afraid that the man would break out, but rather for his own safety.  
There were a lot of pissed of people out there.

As the defence laid down their case to the Alliance council, Kaidan quietly made notes on his compad, wanting to be as prepared as he could be for anything. He wanted to know exactly how Shepard stood when it came to the Reapers and the Collectors, and what he could do for him in that regards.  
In that aspect, he was very glad that Anderson had only wanted for him to defend him when it came to the Reapers and the Collectors, weighing in the dangers and situation the best he could compared to their battle with Sovereign.

The meeting went on for over two hours before the first break was set, and Kaidan wasn't the least bit surprised that the Reapers had hardly been mentioned. The defence and council seemed more concerned about humanities reputation than they were for anything else and Kaidan had been tempted to speak up on more than one occasion.

He was glad to be out of the court-room though, the air in there quickly becoming heavy as the room heated up. Some fresh air would do his head good.

Deciding that some coffee and some food would help as well, Kaidan headed over to the designated "snack-room", which was a meeting-room that had been made into a cafeteria for the trial-meetings, hoping that there was something left that hadn't been laying out for hours already.  
After a internal battle of hunger versus being polite in front of the buffet table, Kaidan nicked himself two of the sandwiches and a cup of coffee before walking to one of the windows, putting the items down and opening one of them.

He had barely taken a bite from his sandwich when his omnitool started buzzing, letting out a frustrated groan that he almost choked on when he saw what the message was about, not even noticing the glances he got from other people in the room.

The date of his official promotion had been set along with the date for his new start as a teacher.  
He only had three days to get himself ready for his new rank and a week before he would start tutoring.

"... Shit."

***

Seeing the new tags attached to his official army-clothes was hard to get used to and Kaidan almost flinched each time he saw them in a mirror.  
He had only had three days to get used to his new rank before he was called in to his very first meeting with other instructors of different divisions within the Alliance.

In a way, he felt like he was sneaking into a meeting he didn't belong to, even if he had been had the official ceremony to prove his new rank.  
Partly because of the way it had gone down compared to his promotion to Commander.

The ceremony had been a simple one; it had just been him, an Alliance official General and two officers serving as witnesses in a very private ceremony.  
In a way, he was glad for it and he suspected that Anderson had a finger in handling that as well. The man really did take care of everything, almost acting like a father to many of his soldiers. 

In fact, Anderson seemed to be getting most of the heat.  
After he retired from the Citadel Council and returned to the Alliance, he had been promoted to Admiral. Along with that and the defence of Shepard, Anderson certainly had enough on his plate and he seemed eager to add more to it.  
It was like he was trying to catch up for the two-and-a-half years he had been out of service all at once.

Kaidan really didn't understand how Anderson was able to get that many balls up into the air and keeping them up, while he himself seemed to have trouble even getting started.

At least that's how he felt.

He also felt a small twinge of guilt for not having been able to devote time to Shepard's defence, which in turn made him feel a bit angry and confused with himself.

He couldn't lie to himself, even if he wanted to: He was still angry with Shepard for everything that had gone down since Horizon. The lack of a response to Kaidan's message. No attempts to even contact Kaidan after Shepard was put in jail on earth.  
Absolutely nothing but silence.

It wasn't unexpected, not entirely. Kaidan hadn't exactly left Shepard with much to go on, but he had had this small hope that maybe, just maybe, something could be salvaged from the wreck.  
Apparently he had been wrong.

Shaking the dark thoughts out of his head after splashing his face with water, Kaidan just stared at his own reflection, taking in the face that stared back at him.  
Just when had he turned so... Old?

There were some rather noticeable white streaks hidden between the dark hair by his temples and he had more wrinkles under his eyes. His face was still looking young, and hell, he was barely thirty-five so he was still young, but there was something old with his eyes.   
Grabbing a nearby towel, Kaidan wiped his face with it and turned away from the mirror, not wanting to dwell too much on those thoughts. He'd just get more gray hairs from it by the looks of things.

After making sure his uniform was nice and straight, carefully adjusting his bars, Kaidan figured he was as ready as he could be for the meeting.  
He grabbed his key card and headed out the door, making sure the door to his tiny apartment was locked before hurrying downstairs and out onto the compound. It had its perks, living on an army-base. Everything was within walking-distance.

It took Kaidan a good ten minutes to walk to the main building in the middle of the Alliance base, nodding his head lightly to the outside guard as he stepped inside and headed towards the elevator.  
After pressing the button to the fifty-fourth floor, Kaidan closed his eyes and inhaled as the elevator started shooting up, stopping occasionally to let people on or off on the different floors. And with each stop, Kaidan's heart just started pounding harder and harder until he was sure that it would just explode out from his chest and take off.

When the elevator finally stopped on his floor, a ride that had taken more time in his head than it had in reality, Kaidan took a deep breath and stepped out.  
Carrying himself with the proper air of an officer and a marine, he walked down the long corridor, towards the heavy set of doors at the end of it.

The soldier waiting outside gave him a quick salute, which Kaidan returned, before opening the door for him. "They are waiting for you, Sir."

Kaidan murmured a soft "thank you", before stepping inside, giving the officers a salute. "I hope you didn't wait for me, Sirs."

"Not at all," one of the men, a man that Kaidan recognised as an Admiral and a teacher for one of the Spec-Ops groups that handled planetary explorations.  
Admiral Bennings was everything a good Admiral was supposed to be; from the tall, muscled frame, the slightly greying brown and thick hair to his thick moustache.  
"In fact, we didn't expect you for another ten minutes. You are early, Major, but we hear that is your habit."

"Better too early than too late in certain things, Sir," Kaidan replied, then mentally scolded himself for the comment. That could be taken the wrong way in so many ways.  
When Bennings and the other officers started chuckling instead, he visibly relaxed.

Bennings gave Kaidan a smile before gesturing for him to come closer. "First of all, I would like to congratulate you with your promotion. Well deserved as far as I am concerned."

"Thank you, Sir," Kaidan replied, walking over to the table.

"No need to thank me, Major. It is your own doing, your own hard work that has made you come this far."  
Bennings gestured for Kaidan to sit down, who automatically did so. Like he dared doing anything else in the presence of officers like this.

The two other officers joined Bennings on the other side of the table and sat down.  
"I am sure you are eager to hear more about the program," Bennings started while offering Kaidan a compad.  
"Though according to Admiral Hackett and Anderson, you have been briefed about just about everything."

"Yes, Sir," Kaidan said while quickly scrolling through the document on the pad. He had read everything he had been given multiple times and felt prepared.

"Then this will just be a formality, Major. You will start tomorrow officially, but we have scheduled for you to meet with your Division after this meeting. Of course, since you have not been formally educated to be a tutor, you will be given help to set up plans for exercises and missions."

"Much appreciated, Sir."

"Have you thought about what you would like to focus on?"

"Well, I was told that this would be a Spec-Ops Division with focus on high risk and covert missions. I believe it was implied that I was to teach them different ways to use biotics in such situations."  
Which was just a fancier way of saying "we want you to teach our soldiers how to mess things up for the enemy with their biotics" in Kaidan's opinion, but he wasn't about to argue with the logic of it.  
Using biotics during infiltration and during high-risk missions would be more than helpful and he had first-hand experience with it.  
That and he wasn't teaching people who had just started mastering their abilities, these were seasoned soldiers.

All he had to do was transfer his experience to them.

Which was probably easier said than done.

"That is what the Alliance is looking for, yes, but since you are the Alliance top biotic user, we put our faith in your skills and expertise. We trust that you will know how to best train the soldiers."

"Will I be given their dossiers and levels," Kaidan asked, not sure if the Alliance would provide them or not. He assumed so since he was a teacher now.

"Of course, but you can also do your own evaluation based on what you see. The soldiers in the Division are amongst the best biotics in the Alliance military, but they are very different in how skilled they are and what they can do."  
Bennings chuckled softly. "I am sure you will have your hands full."

"Well, I like getting my hands dirty," Kaidan mused, cracking a small, curly smile of his own.

"Then I see no point in delaying this any further. Lets go meet your students," Bennings replied, getting up from the table along with the others.  
Kaidan was quick to follow, feeling his heart as it started pounding in his chest again.

The four officers took the elevator back downstairs, then walked outside where a shuttle was waiting for them.   
When it had been contacted, Kaidan didn't know, but he silently climbed into it and sat down, quickly buckling up.

The trip was a quick one as the shuttle took them to the large training-area and when the doors opened, Kaidan could see the amount of soldiers that were training there on different posts, the flashes of biotics and firing guns slightly irritating his eyes.

As he took the first step down, a young woman stepped up to him and have him a sharp salute. He could see that she was a lieutenant by the bars on her sleeves and the neckline of her shirt.

"Welcome to Training ground 14 B, Sirs," she said.  
"I have been told I am to escort you."

"That really isn't necessary," Kaidan said, but Bennings merely nodded at her.

"Very good, Lieutenant Person."

Guess he had no choice in the matter.

As they entered into the training grounds, Bennings walked over to the main-computer that operated the combat simulations and swiftly shut the running programs off.   
The area felt silent almost instantly as the soldiers all turned their attention to the officers by the entrance. When they realised just who was there, they quickly scurried to form a line, snapping their hands to their heads almost simultaneously.  
"Sirs!"

"At ease," Bennings said, nodding at the soldiers.  
"Marines, we have a special guest with us today. Your new teachers. Wish him welcome."

As the soldiers yelled out "Welcome, Sir!" and saluted him, Kaidan had to resist the urge to smile, giving the soldiers a nod and a salute back.  
He glanced over to Bennings, who nodded and took a step back, letting Kaidan take over the "spotlight."

That's when Kaidan's nerves really started to act up, but he squished them down the best he could.   
Instead he took a moment to just study the students, taking in what he was seeing.

Then he started talking.

"My name is Major Kaidan Alenko. Some of you may have heard of me. Some of you may not have a clue who I am. But I promise you, you will all know who I am and what I am capable of as we work together."  
He fell silent and just let the words sink in for a few seconds, watching the soldiers.

They weren't newcomers. These weren't people who had just been shipped out from boot camp.  
These people were experienced soldiers.

"You are here," he continued, watching as the soldiers immediately snapped to attention. "Because you are the best humanity as to offer when it comes to this. You are all human biotics. Skilled when it comes to your gift, experienced. And you have been selected to further hone your skills."  
Kaidan inhaled deeply, letting the breath escape through his nose.  
"You are all strong in different ways and I will help you become stronger. Better. This is not boot camp and I know that you know that this will be ten times harder than anything you have experienced before. And I am going to be with you all the way. I'm going to be sweating right next to you, inspire you to reach further. To become even more talented with your biotics. To help you use your abilities in covert and infiltration missions."

He slowly walked down the line in front of the soldiers, making sure that he kept his eyes on his future students.  
"You are the very first group that has joined this division. You are the very first Spec-Ops Biotic Division and I think we are going to make sure that the bar is set damn high for future biotic soldiers to come. We are the first human biotics and we're damn proud of that fact."

He stopped and gestured his hands towards the soldiers. "Think about it. We are not only the first division that specialises in this, but we are also among the first human biotics. We are first. Are you going to show me that you are also number one?" he called out, eyeing the students expectantly.

The rising "BO-YAA! SIR, YES SIR!" that escaped the soldiers as several glowing fists was pumped into the air brought the biggest grin to Kaidan's face and he could already feel his chest swelling with pride.

Maybe this wouldn't be as bad after all.


	29. To Arms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which everything is about to change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I am so sorry for this late update! I've just started a new job, in a new country and it's been a lot of work with relocating, getting a new place to stay and getting everything in order. X.x It's been a challenge in itself and has left me quite drained.
> 
> Hopefully this chapter will do the waiting-time justice!

Sliding into the role as a teacher was easier than Kaidan had expected, even if he didn't have much experience in it.  
He just did what he remembered that his instructors and teachers had done for him; keeping a close eye on the different teams progress, trying to make sure he got some individual training and evaluation with everyone, and keeping an open-door policy for anyone who had questions or wanted to talk.  
He took criticism and compliments in stride and he was damn honest with his Division as well, giving them criticism and compliments when he saw fit. If something was particularly bad, he took them to the side for private conversations, but he expected for everyone to manage some public yelling. He wasn't after embarrassing them, just make them aware of what they were doing wrong.

He was proud to say that he barely had to yell out criticism though, which was one of the perks of tutoring well-educated soldiers he supposed.

He didn't limit himself just to teaching though.  
He had promised Anderson that he would defend Shepard the best he could when the time came, and Kaidan was paying close attention to what was going on trial-wise while working on his own reports and defence.

Anderson was doing the best he could from his end, but the newly-promoted Admiral had enough with his own affairs, especially after the biotic mess that had gone down on Omega.  
Kaidan had only heard very brief details, but apparently there had been some close calls and a mess so big that even Aria T'Loak herself had become involved.

Shepard's defence was still the Marines' priority though and only a few weeks after Kaidan had started tutoring, Anderson had enlisted some "special" help when it came to Shepard's safety.  
A big, burly Marine that went by the name James Vega.

The man wasn't unknown to Kaidan, he had heard Anderson speak of him before. That he was the survivor of a brutal Collector attack, and just having someone with first-hand experience of the Collectors was enough to soothe Kaidan a little.   
At least it wouldn't be someone who thought Shepard was full of shit and would treat him as such.

For the time being, Kaidan had more than enough to do with his students, training them the best he could, arranging for missions so their skills to be tested and evaluated, and he always, -always- made damn sure that he was right there in the mud with them.  
Like hell that he was going to be standing on the sidelines and let his men do all the dirty work. It just didn't feel like a good day's work if he didn't clean his armour after it was over.

The most interesting mission he had managed to snag to his squads had been on a remote colony not far from Eden Prime, were several humans had been taken hostage by Batarians who demanded Shepard's head on a plate in return for the humans.  
It had been an intense one; infiltrating a bunker was never easy since there was usually only one entrance into it. It didn't get better when the Batarians informed that they had explosives and were not afraid of using them if anything went sour for them. That's when a couple of his students; a young Sergeant named Melissa and a Lieutenant named Roger, had proven that they could use their biotics for defence as well as offence, which probably saved the lives of the fifteen trapped colonists. It had been a risky move, barging into the room where the Batarians had been holed up, but Kaidan had counted on his students, believed in them. 

His faith had more than paid off.  
He was particularly impressed with a young woman named Cindy, a recently promoted Gunnery Sergeant, who had managed to conceal a sudden explosion that probably would have triggered the many bombs that had been placed around the area, with her biotics.  
It wasn't easy, concealing something with your biotics instead of using them to shield your surroundings, but she had managed. After all, calculating the strength of an unknown blast was a lot more difficult than feeling pressure and adapting your biotics to it.

Of course, having her faint from exhausting had been a small bump in the road, but the team managed to protect her and the hostages until they could subdue the leader of the Batarian group.  
As soon as they were homebound after wrapping up the mission, Kaidan gave them a quick talk in the cargo-hold of the ship taking them back, complimenting them on a job well done before stressing the importance of always making sure that you let your team-mates know your status instead of just fighting on, then falling over, and why bringing some protein-bars for quick snacks were a good idea before he sent them to the shower.  
He himself unwrapped one of his own bars and stuffed half of it into his mouth before reporting back to Earth as soon as he had managed swallowing the damn thing. It wouldn't look good on his resume if he managed to choke himself on food, even if it was only bearable passable as such.

"Major," Admiral Bennings greeted as the holo crackled into life.  
"Good to see you still in one piece. We were wondering if tossing you into this mission was still a bit too much for just a squad of five, even with you at the helm."

Admiral Bennings had been paying close attention to Kaidan and his Biotic Division since day one, which, even Kaidan didn't mind the follow-ups, lead him to suspect that Bennings was watching him on behalf of someone else.  
He wouldn't be surprised if it was for Admiral Anderson, since the man couldn't watch over him himself.

"Admiral," Kaidan greeted as he saluted the hologram, then placed his hands behind his back.   
"We're all in one piece, but I would like a reading of the team's biotic levels as soon as we reach Earth. I think at least three of the team-members have proced to a higher level than before."

"That many, huh? Impressive."

"Very, but I am not surprised, Sir. There are an surprising amount of people in the Division that are unfamiliar with their own level of skills despite being top-soldiers. Being a human Biotic still have a rather nasty stigma to it."

"One we hope can be removed as we continue to learn, but I have confidence in that. With teachers such as you guiding the men, it will be better."

"Yes, Sir. Thank you, Sir."

"ETA on the reports from the mission, Major? Your ETA on Earth should be thirty-six hours unless there are any electric storms on the way."

"You should have it in five hours. Six if I can get some sleep first, Sir."

Admiral Bennings chuckled some and waved his hand at Kaidan. "Sleep, Major. You've all earned a good rest before you're being tossed into the next mission. I will send you the reports from the three other teams as soon as we get them."

"Thank you, Sir," Kaidan replied, glad that he didn't have to ask for them himself.

The Biotics Division, while one of the smaller ones within the Alliance, still were too big for Kaidan to efficiently watch over and train all on his own, and only a fool would believe otherwise.  
So after a month of hard, intensive training to see their levels, Kaidan had created different squads with their own squad leaders that would report directly to him. All the leaders already had experience in leading their own squads in the past so he knew they could handle the responsibility and he tried his best to "mix and match" the teams around until he found what worked and what didn't, trying to compliment the team's strengths' and weaknesses by the levels of the different people's skills and specialities. Putting together a pure team of what were nick-named "Vanguards" only resulted in a lot of concussions and bruises, just like a team of "Sentinels" were just about impossible to break through, but they didn't exactly progress forward either.  
The results so far had been positive.

"Then get to it, soldier," Bennings ordered, giving Kaidan a sharp salute which Kaidan returned before the link was cut.  
Kaidan rubbed at the back of his neck, trying to work out the slight soreness from it before trotting back to the cargo-bay area so he could strip out of his armour.

As he unbuckled and pulled off the various parts of the armour, he couldn't help but look at it, running his fingers over the blue metal.

The Alliance had decided that his armoury had needed a little upgrading and that he needed a new armour-set to go along with his new rank.

Not just any armour though.

Kaidan had been used to half-heavy armour, where the metal had been light, giving him more mobility on the field. 

This armour though was a whole different league.

The Alliance had spared no expense when they had designed and built his armour, that much he could see.  
The metal was solid, heavy, added in layers so he had as much mobility as the armour could allow. Rubber and padding was added underneath the metal to dampen any blows directed at it as well as making it a little more comfortable to wear.   
The armour itself looked quite stylish as well with the blue paintwork decorated with white stripes over his chest, arm- and leg-pieces.

It also had one small drawback that Kaidan hadn't dared to protest on, not when the Alliance had spent all that money on it.

It felt damn uncomfortable to wear.

The entire armour, though especially the chest-piece was a little too heavy for his liking and he couldn't move his arms as he liked when he used his biotics, but he supposed it was all about getting used to it.  
Another thing was the colour. While it looked nice, especially on the rare occasion when he did official business for the Alliance, he felt the blue colour stood out, making him a somewhat easy target. A very minor disadvantage, he felt, as he was sure that he was more visible when he turned himself into a biotic beacon.  
His last name on the lower-arm piece of the armour was a nice touch though, one that made him feel more than a little proud. It wasn't like Shepard's N7 armour, but dammit, this one was his.

After stripping out of the tight undersuit, Kaidan quickly pulled on his basic army fatigues and a t-shirt before he headed back towards the cabin he had been given.  
Another perk with being high in rank, he assumed. You actually got your own, private room, which Kaidan appreciated. Any privacy you could get while on small frigates', or any frigate for that matter, was valuable.  
The fact that he also had his own bathroom, now that was just luxury. Sure, it was the size of a armoury and it was just a timed steam-shower, but it was private and he could allow himself a whole five minutes longer in the hot steam.

He was not about to let that opportunity pass him by.

Fifteen minutes later, Kaidan emerged clean from the small bathroom, one towel around his neck and one around his neck, his normally slicked-back hair now messy and curly.  
He was halfway tempted to just fall onto the bed and sleep right away, but there was the report he had to write. If he focused, he could have it done, send it and take a well-deserved rest after... 

"Lets just get it over with," Kaidan mumbled as he took the towel around his neck and attempted to quickly get his hair as dry as he could before pulling on a pair of boxer-briefs. Black standard Alliance underwear. Kaidan was almost surprised it didn't have the Alliance logo on the front.  
After putting on his army-fatigues, Kaidan sat down by the small work-desk and booted up the computer so he could get to work.  
"There's no rest for the wicked," he murmured to himself as his fingers flew over the keyboard, completely focusing on the report.

If only he'd known how true that was.

***

Kaidan wasn't used to being greeted by officers the second he got off the ship, so to see Anderson coming towards him in a rather quick pace already made him worried. He just hoped he didn't look too much of a mess.

"Major," Anderson greeted him as he reached him, not even stopping to give him a salute. "I am glad the ETA was accurate, we have no time to waste. You there, get the Major's things unloaded now," he barked at the soldier coming down the ramp behind Kaidan before he gestured for Kaidan to follow him, quickly turning and heading down the pathway and away from the docking area before Kaidan could even register what the hell was going on.

He added a quick confirmation to the poor, confused soldier behind him before hurrying after Anderson. "What's going on," he asked, eyebrow raised as he followed Anderson, increasing his stride to catch up with the older man.

"A new damn mess," Anderson grunted, shaking his head some. "Despite all our warnings, despite your defence and reports, the committee is only now realising what the hell is going on."

"Sir?"

"You remember the dead-time after the Batarians accepted Earth's terms along with the Council's final verdict,? That it took another month after that before Shepard was even allowed to state his claims and defend his reports. Now it's six months later and we've only recently managed to dent the damn wall they've put up and it's not even our efforts that's done it. Even now they are resisting it and I need you to bang a hole through that damn wall before Shepard comes."

"Whoa whoa," Kaidan said, actually stopping and grabbing Anderson's arm to prevent him from walking.  
"Sir, with all due respect, what the hell is going on?"

"So you didn't get the message. Damn," Anderson cursed, not even saying anything about the hand on his arm.  
Kaidan quickly removed it though, now that he had Anderson's attention.

"I don't have time to explain everything, but we need to hurry." Anderson started walking again and Kaidan quickly followed.  
"Over the last week days, we've had a couple of colonies black out at the very end of the galaxy. It was only brought to light yesterday because they were small, remote colonies, many of them with just a couple of hundred people living on them. We dispatched any troops we had in the area to investigate as soon as we realised that they had blacked out. We haven't heard back from them, save from distorted message. After we sent out our troops though, we lost contact and communications with more and more colonies. One by one, they have turned silent."

"What is the reason?" Kaidan asked, giving Anderson a curious look. "What did the message say? Did the Batarians breech the agreement?"

"Worse," Anderson said, his voice low and hard, but it was not aimed at Kaidan.  
Instead, he stopped up, like he didn't believe what he was about to tell the Major.

"All of our fears have come true, Major. All of them. Everything we have worked to warn about has come to bite us in the ass."

Kaidan felt his breath get caught in his throat. "... you mean..?"

"Yes. The Reapers are on their way."


	30. Shepard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan and Shepard are leaving earth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter turned out way longer than planned, but I wanted to get this chapter out before I go to Belfast this weekend!  
> Hope you all enjoy! :D

After Anderson had dropped the bomb, Kaidan had barely gotten time to gather himself before he was sent off to create the desired hole in the committees wall, at least figuratively, though a part of him wanted to do it literally as well.  
Heck, part of him was glad that he had gotten off the ship wearing his army fatigues and not his armour.

Unsurprisingly, Anderson had everything ready for Kaidan as well because as soon as the biotic got out of the main building for aircrafts, he was met by a fellow soldier who gave him a compad. A compad Kaidan recognized as his own.  
The Admiral himself had left him because of an incoming call from Hackett, but before he had left Kaidan to his own defences, he had informed him that he would fetch Shepard when he could.  
He also told Kaidan to wait for new orders as soon as he was done with the meeting.

For now, Kaidan was very much standing on his own two feet, but strangely enough, he wasn't nervous or worried.   
To be precise, he wasn't nervous or worried about the meeting.  
If anything, he was annoyed. 

Angry.

About what could come in the future... Now that terrified him. 

And the worse part was that he had no idea how long they had. According to Anderson, they would have days at most. They had no idea how fast the Reaper-threat were moving or even where they were going, but all in all, it didn't matter. No matter where they went, it would not be good.  
Of course, there was a chance that it was not the Reapers, but the chance was, surprisingly enough, very slim. The amount of colonies that had gone black were simply too many and had vanished too quickly to dismiss as a power black-out or even an elaborate attack. The troops that had been sent out had vanished too quickly as well, and while they had yet to see just what the heck had happened, it was clear that it was something extremely powerful that were behind it.

Kaidan didn't even have the time to properly digest what was going on around him because he all to soon found himself in front of the committee, armed only with his own knowledge, his trust in Anderson and his intel as well as his stubborn faith and trust in Shepard that seemingly refused to die no matter how much he wanted it to. For now, he was taking in their worried faces and just waited, hoping that his words would penetrate those lairs of denial and cosy comfort, and set root into their brain.  
He'd already been trying for twenty minutes. 

It felt like much longer.

"You've known about this for three years," Kaidan continued, slowly pacing back and forward in front of the committee, trying his best not to gesture too much with his hands.  
"We've had countless meetings, countless discussions, countless reports about what is going on, but, to be frank, the people who has been involved in this case has been overlooked. Their pleas has been ignored. Commander Shepard has been ignored. I find it very unfair that you expect him to wave a... A magic wand and come up with a solution out of thin air now that an unknown threat is heading our way."

"As you know, Major Alenko, it is hard for us to take the claims that Commander Shepard has made seriously as very few people have actually seen what he claims, if any at all. The events that happened were all to easy to misunderstand-" the committee started, but Kaidan lifted his hand up.

"I know and I understand your position. It's bold claims. But -I- am one of your so-called unknown, mysterious witnesses and -I- have seen what the Commander has seen, with my own eyes. I have seen what the Reapers can do. What happened on the Citadel three years ago, I saw it. I saw it before it happened, I saw it as it happened and I saw what happened after. And that was the work of one Reaper," Kaidan said as he lowered the fingers on the lifted hand, save for his index finger, empathising what he was saying.   
"One. Imagine what would happen if an entire army of them comes. And we don't know how many they are. There could be one Reaper coming for us, it could be ten. It could be thousands. But we know that the work of one Reaper managed to indoctrinate one of the most powerful Spectre's the Council had and a well-respected Asari Matriarch. It managed to enslave an entire synthetic being. And based on information gathered on Noveria three years ago, we know that the Reapers were the reason why the Rachni went to war. Imagine the damage an entire army of Reapers could do when the work of one Reaper not only managed to almost take down the entire Citadel on it's own, but also took down thousands of lives with it."

Kaidan held his breath as he let the words sink into the committee's brain. He could almost see the wheels rotating in their brains, but they were still trying to grasp for anything that could explain what was going on. Anything that weren't big-ass machines that were far more advanced than the entire galaxy combined were.

"Right now-," he continued as he allowed the committee an entire minute of thinking.   
"-Shepard is the biggest expert on Reapers we have. He has seen them up close, he has communicated with the one called Sovereign and a Reaper that went by the name Harbinger. He has seen what they have done to the Geth, to the Rachni and to the Collectors. He has seen and spoken to Saren and to Matriarch Benezia. He has seen the result of other people, intelligent and strong people, indoctrinated and under the influence of a being more powerful that we can imagine. The entire crew of the Normandy has seen what the Reapers can do and the crew has warned the Citadel and the Alliance several times, and as part of the Normandy crew, I have always stood ready to back up and testify on what has gone done, as I have done in the past and will continue to do so in the future. And we thought the Alliance were behind us when we laid our claims down, only to be rejected by the Citadel, despite the hard facts."

Kaidan inhaled deeply as he once again took a small break, giving the committee a chance to digest his words.  
They were mumbling to one another, keeping their heads close together, as if telling each other a secret they didn't want Kaidan to know about.

"If-," one of the members of the committee, an aging man with receding and greying hair, finally said as they pulled away from one another. "-what you say is true and there is such a big threat coming towards us... What do you suggest we do?"

Kaidan resisted the urge to plant his hand over his face and instead looked directly at them. "Prepare," he said instead, taking a more at-ease position in front of them.   
"Act. And talk to Commander Shepard. Like you should have done all along."

He knew he was supposed to regret those last words, but right now he couldn't bring himself to care, even as the committee seemed surprised by the sudden attitude.   
He didn't let them get the time to react though.

"There is a threat coming," he continued.   
"Be it the Reapers or something else, but something is coming. Something big. So preparing and responding is the best bet no matter what it is."

He had halfway expected to be to be discharged and stripped of his rank, but he could tell that the Committee was finally accepting what he was saying.  
If they believed it, or rather, wanted to believe it, was another matter, but somehow Kaidan had managed to get through that damn wall.

As a result, they merely dismissed him and, with a salute, Kaidan had left the room.  
When he got outside, he let out a small breath of air, rubbing his forehead to ward of the start of a head-ache.   
He had done everything he could now.  
The rest was up to the committee, Anderson and, hopefully, Shepard.

Pushing himself away from the door, Kaidan walked down the hallway to locate Anderson, not quite knowing what to do with himself.  
He had done what Anderson had asked of him and all he could do now was twirl his thumbs, something that didn't quite sit right with him.

Luck would have it that Kaidan spotted Anderson walking down the hallway towards the room where the committee held it's meeting, a look of determination on his face.  
"Anderson," he greeted as he walked up towards him, giving the Admiral a nod with his head. Then, with a glance to the side, he saw him.

Shepard.

Commander John Shepard, the first human spectre.

He hadn't seen him in almost a year, not since Horizon and his stomach still did cartwheels just from seeing his back.  
And the only thing he could say was "Shepard". Acknowledging his presence.  
Letting Shepard know that he was there.

He hadn't expected the soft "Kaidan" that escaped Shepard as he turned around, nor the look of surprise on his face. He almost sounded... Happy?  
Kaidan hoped that the look of surprise on -his- was wasn't as obvious as he thought it was.

"How did it go in there, Major?"

Kaidan had never been so glad to have been given a way out before as he returned his attention to Anderson and his question.  
He honestly had no idea what to say to Shepard and the way Shepard was looking at him... He felt like he was on display.  
After Horizon, he had almost expected Shepard to ignore him completely.  
"Okay, I think," he sighed instead, shrugging his shoulders some. "Hard to know. I'm just waiting for orders now."

"Major?"

And there it was again. Shepard's voice. Another surprised question.

"You hadn't heard," Anderson asked, sounding as surprised as Shepard did.

"No," Shepard replied, almost sounding... Hurt? No, that couldn't be it. Not after the way Shepard had all but ignored Kaidan's attempt at communication.  
He knew Shepard had gotten the mail, he had double-checked the address with Anderson twice. Discreetly of course. He didn't want to seem desperate.  
"I hadn't."

"Sorry, Shepard," Kaidan replied, actually lowering his head and feeling bad about it. Which didn't make sense and he knew it didn't.  
"It's been... Well."  
He was barely able to lift his head so he could look at Shepard.  
Why was he feeling like a child, getting ready to be scolded? It didn't make sense to him! He didn't owe Shepard anything.  
... Did he?

"That's okay," Shepard replied instead, giving Kaidan a small smile. That small smile. The one he usually shared with Kaidan when they had spent time together.  
"Just glad I bumped into you, Kaidan."

"Yeah," Kaidan replied, offering a small smile back. "Me too."  
And he was. In a strange way he couldn't explain, or understand, amongst the confusion, the feeling of self-loathing and the small spark of anger that still existed inside him... He was still glad to have bumped into Shepard. To talk to him.

Then the illusion was broken as a fellow soldier, a woman with short, red hair approached them and addressed Anderson.  
Anderson nodded at her before looking at Shepard. "C'mon," he said before he followed the woman, Shepard right behind him like an obedient dog.

As the Commander passed the biotic, Kaidan took a small step to the side and looked at him, even smiled and nodded a little, wishing him a silent "Good Luck".  
He knew where the man was going and he knew he would have his work cut for him.

Shepard returned the glance and the smile before vanishing into the room along with the woman and Anderson, leaving Kaidan alone with the Lieutenant that had been responsible for guarding Shepard.

Lieutenant James Vega.

The larger man stepped up to him, his gaze following Kaidan's as they both stared at the door as it closed behind Anderson and Shepard.  
"You know the Commander?"

Kaidan glanced at Vega for a moment before sighing and looking back at the closed door.   
"... I used to."

Vega merely nodded and, seemingly understanding that it was a touchy subject, didn't push on it further.  
"I'm heading towards the docking area," he said instead. "The Normandy's been dry-docked for a while, but the Admiral gave me orders to load her up."

"Load her up," Kaidan asked, looking at Vega with a raised eyebrow.  
"What for? I thought she was permanently dry-docked."

"You didn't hear it from me," Vega replied, getting a small grin on his face as the two men started walking.  
"But the Admiral has plans. And if he gets his way, the Normandy won't be stranded for much longer."

"Does she even have a crew?"

"Not yet, but the man has a plan."

"I wouldn't be surprised."   
Anderson did have a knack of having a plan for almost every situation and Kaidan really wouldn't be surprised if the man had something up his sleeve when it came to the Normandy and a crew.  
"So what are your orders, Lieutenant?"

"Like I said, I'm going to load her up."

Kaidan nodded.  
It wasn't his orders, but he could might as well help out.  
It wasn't like he had much better things to do right now while waiting for new orders.

 

***

It wasn't supposed to happen like that.  
It really -wasn't- supposed to happen like that.

They hadn't even reached the damn docking area when it happen and after that, all hell broke loose.  
It hadn't even been ten minutes since the two of them had left Anderson and Shepard with the committee.

How the hell had this even happened?  
They had known and yet they had been caught completely by surprise!

Kaidan swallowed hard as he held onto his gun, covered by a collapsed wall as those... things were shooting at him and Vega.  
While they had no armour, they weren't completely defenceless. They both had guns and Kaidan was able to give them protection with his biotics, but they needed an opening and fast, or they would be swarmed.

"What the hell are those things," Vega grunted as he popped up long enough to shoot two reapers through the head, then ducking back down.

"Reapers," Kaidan stated flatly, shifting long enough out of cover from the side to take down a group of husk that came their way with a well-placed singularity-attack before going back into cover.  
His biotics were floating over his skin, making the hair on his arms and neck stand up ever so slightly, but it made him feel better. Made him feel safe and in control.  
Like hell that he was going to let these... Creatures come for them without a fight.

"Shit, is that what they look like," Vega grimaced as he quickly switched out the clips in his gun.  
"Uglier than I expected."

"You haven't seen their main-force yet," Kaidan replied as he provided Vega with a biotic shield, covering him long enough for the larger Marine to stand up, take out a few more of what Kaidan assumed would be the Reaper-equivalent of "grunts" since there were so many of them, then escaping back down.

"Not sure I want to see them," Vega replied, carefully peering over the edge.  
"... Eww, they are eating their own dead. Gross."

Kaidan was about to tell Vega to get back under cover when his ear-com crackled to life, making him wince in pain as a loud squeal sounded in his ear, echoing in his skull before Anderson's voice appeared.   
"This is Admiral Anderson, report in anyone."

Kaidan brought his fingers to his left ear at the same time as he peered around the corner.  
"Sir?"

"Major Alenko, is that you?"

"Affirmative," Kaidan grunted as he quickly ducked back into cover as the creatures shot towards him, apparently finished with their meal.

"What's your status?"

"Currently holed down with Lieutenant Vega by the docking area," Kaidan replied, ducking out from cover again, his biotics crackling as he sent a reave-attack towards the cannibals, if he could call them that, trying to earn them some footing.  
"But nothing we can't handle. What's going on?"

"I can't raise the Normandy," Anderson's voice crackled as Kaidan shot at two more husks, then used his biotics to lift up two more that Vega quickly shot down.  
"You'll have to contact them. We'll meet you at the Landing Zone. Anderson out."

'We'.

That meant Shepard was okay, right?

Kaidan didn't really have time to dwell on it as another cannibal shot after him, though the shots were absorbed by his biotic shields.

"No time for daydreaming, Major," Vega yelled, shooting the offending cannibal through the head.  
"What's the update?"

"We have to get to the Normandy now, Anderson's orders," Kaidan replied, gritting his teeth as he tried to concentrate his biotics.

"Major, what are you-?"

Whatever Vega had tried to say was drowned out by the surge from Kaidan's attack as the Major shot forward and, with a yell, let his biotics explode outwards, sending both rubble and reapers flying as he created an opening.

"... Whoa."

"You can be impressed later," Kaidan yelled, breathing hard as he quickly reloaded his gun.   
"This opening won't last us and I doubt I can do that again anytime soon."  
In all honesty, he hadn't been sure that he could do it in the first place. He just kind of... Did it anyway. 

At least Vega listened to him and together they made their way down to the Normandy, fighting off whatever stray husks and cannibals that happened to cross their way.

By the time they finally reached the familiar-looking ship, Kaidan was exhausted. He still kept his biotics up from sheer will, but he knew he would pay for it later.

Still, the Normandy was a beautiful sight when he saw her and it was made better by the fact that she looked ready to take off. The engines were already on.  
What wasn't as beautiful was the amount of husks and cannibals that were crawling around it, only held back by the ship's protective shields.  
The air was already thick with smoke and the smell of death, and Kaidan could feel himself having trouble swallowing.

"Merda," Vega cussed, gritting his teeth some as another wave of reapers headed their way, forcing them to once again take cover behind whatever they could find.  
Once again, rubble and debris would have to do.  
"Major, do you think you can do that trick of yours again?"

"Doubtful," Kaidan grunted before his earpiece crackled to life at the same time as the cannibals started shooting at them.

"Major? Do you read me?"

"Anderson?"

"I'm patching in Shepard."

"Affirmative," Kaidan grunted before updating the both of them.  
"We're almost at the Normandy. I've got Lieutenant Vega with me, but we're taking heavy fire."

The lack of an answer made Kaidan more than a little nervous before a sudden, loud explosion sounded, echoing through the docking area.  
"What the-?"

Vega peered up and let out a small laugh. "Whoa. For a man with bones like twigs, he's tough!"

Kaidan didn't answer. Instead he ducked out of cover, Vega right behind him and took off towards the Normandy. They had to use the opportunities while they had them.

A few well-placed shots and well-aimed biotic throws, and they had reached the bridge that lead straight up to the cargo-hole entrance, which was already open.  
And on the inside was Joker, holding a machine gun and standing next to a now empty crate that had once contained what Kaidan assumed were grenades. "Come on, we're gonna be swarmed at any minute here, we got to take off," he yelled at them, gesturing for them to hurry.

"We're getting Anderson and Shepard," Kaidan yelled back as he and Vega got inside, Joker shifting to get out of their way.   
"We're meeting them at the landing zone!"

"Yeah, yeah, already on it. EDI, take us out of here before we pick up unwanted passengers!"

Kaidan couldn't help but raise an eyebrow at the female-sounding "affirmative" that appeared from the intercom, but Joker was already retreating.  
The ship was already moving, Kaidan could feel the slight vibrations in the floor, not to mention that the cargo-hull was still open, showing that they were taking off before the door slid back up into place.

"Your gear's already loaded on, Anderson's orders," he said, pushing the button to the elevator.  
"Get ready to defend my girl, I suspect it's nasty out there!"

Both Kaidan and Vega just kind of stared after Joker before snapping out of the initial surprise.  
It was clear that their guns wouldn't do them much good and now was as good a time as any to rearm oneself. Kaidan knew that he couldn't do much more with his biotics so he would answer with firepower instead.  
"Joker, do you need me up there with you?"

"Negative, Major, I got EDI here to shoot for me! No offence!"

"None taken."

"You stay here with me, buddy," Vega replied, quickly loading and arming a massive shotgun.  
"We got some killing to do."

Then the entire ship shook and jerked to the side as something massive hit them in the side.  
Kaidan was barely able to hear Anderson's voice in his ear as he ran over to the computers by the elevators, bringing up the ship's external cameras to get an overview while Vega brought up the ship's overlay to monitor the damage.

"Major Alenko, we're in sight of the spaceport. ETA, three minutes."

"We've made it to the Normandy. Taking heavy fire- Oh god!"  
The entire ship shook as another shot hit them, this time from behind.  
"They're going to take down that dreadnought!" he yelled as he switched on the comsystem, linking Anderson and Shepard to the Normandy through his own signal.  
"Evasive manoeuvres!"

Then there was nothing but static as the signal dropped, making Kaidan curse.  
"Shit!"  
He could hear Anderson's voice amongst the static, but it was impossible for him to hear him.  
"Admiral Anderson, do you read? Shepard? Can you hear me?!"

"What's going on down there," Joker asked over the com.   
"I heard Anderson, but he instantly dropped again."

"I lost the signal, they may be in trouble."

"Shit. Did they say where they were?"

"No, but Anderson said they were close to the Spaceport, ETA three minutes," Kaidan said as he hurried over to the communicator. As they came closer, maybe they could pick up the signal again...

"Then we have something to go by."

Switching on the scanners, Kaidan started searching for whatever signals he could find, hoping to pick up someone.  
Anyone.

He was not disappointed as Anderson's crackling voice appeared through the speakers.  
"Normandy, this is Anderson... do you read?"

Kaidan couldn't keep the sound of relief out of his voice. "Admiral. What is your location?"

"By a downed gunship in the harbour. I'm activating its distress beacon."

Kaidan was barely able to lock the signal before the signal started dropping again, Anderson's voice once again turning into static.  
"Admiral, we have your location. Admiral, do you read me?"

Then the signal was lost again, but now they had something they didn't have earlier.  
They had their location.

"Joker, I am sending you the coordinates for a distress beacon, Shepard and Anderson are holed down there by a gunned down gunship," Kaidan said, sending the coordinates to their pilot.

"Roger that, Major, we'll be there in no time, guns blazing."

Joker probably had no idea just how true those words would ring.

Less than two minutes later, the Normandy had reached her target, but it was clear that there was nowhere for her to safely land.  
Then again, that had never stopped Joker before.

"Cavalry's here, gentlemen!" he yelled as the comlink once again sparked into life, transmitting their signals.  
Kaidan could hear the explosions from the Normandy's firearms in his ears, which didn't help on his head-ache, but there was no time to focus on it.

Quickly grabbing their firearms, Kaidan and Vega ran over to the cargo-bay door and started lowering the ramp so that their comrades could come onboard.  
It was a downright beautiful sight to see Shepard standing there, ready at a large piece of what had once been part of the spaceport, ready to be picked up.  
The man started running, getting some speed and power before making the leap towards the ramp, where Kaidan stood ready to catch him.

And just then, it was like old times.  
Shepard's arm reached out, his hand clasping onto Kaidan's bicep at the same time as Kaidan took a hold of Shepard's arm, pulling him into a standing position.  
They were in sync, just like they had been three years ago.

And just as quickly, they let go of one another, leaving Kaidan to get a grip on his machine gun instead.  
"Welcome aboard, Shepard."

Shepard gave a quick nod. "Thanks."

Then the focus was on Anderson as the man came up the make-shift ramp that Shepard had been standing on.  
"Shepard."

For a moment, Shepard looked confused. "Come on!" he urged, gesturing his hand towards Anderson.

As another shuttle came flying in behind Anderson, the Admiral shook his head at Shepard's plea.  
"I'm not going."

A silence fell over the group as everyone was just... Staring. The three on the Normandy, staring at Anderson, while Anderson stared back.  
Then the Admiral pointed towards the shuttle that had appeared, now landed behind him to pick up two injured men.  
"You saw those men back there. There's a million more like them, and they need a leader."

"We're in this fight together, Anderson," Shepard protested, looking all but ready to just jump ship.

"It's a fight we can't win," Anderson replied, a sombre tone in his voice. "Not without help. We need every species and all their ships to even have a chance at defeating the Reapers."  
The Admiral took a few step towards the Normandy, giving Shepard a small nod with his head.  
"Talk to the Council. Convince them to help us."

And with that, Kaidan could see the load that was resting on Shepard's shoulders yet again.  
All the hope. All the responsibility.  
Everything was handed to this one ship. To this one man.

"What if they won't listen," Shepard answered, his voice tired.  
Heck, his entire stance looked tired.

"Then make them listen," Anderson barked, clearly not ready to let Shepard give up.  
"Now go! That's an order."

"I don't take orders from you anymore, remember?" Shepard snapped back.

As soon as Shepard had said that, Anderson's hand went into his pocket, fishing out a set of familiar-looking dog-tags.  
"Consider yourself reinstated... Commander."

With a sift movement, he tossed them to Shepard, who automatically caught them with one hand.  
The man looked at them, the steel of the metal gleaming through his fingers.

"You know what you have to do."

Shepard nodded as he slowly put the dog tags back around his neck, his fingers gently caressing the beaded necklace before looking up at Anderson.  
"I'll be back for you, and I'll bring every fleet that I can."

And with that, a familiar look of determination crossing over his face, Shepard turned around, heading up the ramp towards the cargo-hull, but not before stopping to look at Anderson over his shoulder one more time.  
"Good luck."

"You too, Shepard."

Shepard nodded before stepping up to Kaidan, who had discreetly pulled a little away from the conversation, wanting to give the two of them some privacy at the same time as he covered them.  
The Commander gave him a small nod and for a moment, their eyes locked as Shepard stopped next to the biotic. Then both their gazes trailed back to the scenery, to Anderson, as the Normandy was once again taking off, watching as their Admiral was growing smaller and smaller.

They stood there together, not speaking, and for the first time Kaidan got a good look at what was going on.  
The sight made him sick to his stomach.

He could tell that Shepard shared the sentiment, especially as the shuttles that came flying, carrying innocent people, civilians, were shot down by the massive machines.  
It was painful to watch. 

Heck, Shepard visibly flinched and looked away as one shuttle close to them suddenly explosion, steel and debris flying around.

It was a massacre.  
There was simply no other word for it.

As the ship continued to climb in height, the two of them were forced to step away from the view, letting Vega close the opening to the cargo-hull.  
They didn't say anything.

What could they say, after witnessing all of that?

All they could do now was leaving earth before they were taken down with the rest.


	31. Mars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the group goes to Mars.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to cover the entire Mars experience, but the chapter would turn insanely long then.  
> So I decided to just split it in two so it wouldn't be a drag to read. :3  
> Hopefully the next part will be out in not too long!
> 
> ***
> 
> Author update!   
> ReiRei-Chan was kind enough to point out a very obvious (and embarassing) error on my part, which has been taken care of as, a mistake such as that, could not remain. >_>  
> Thank you for pointing it out to me! :D <3 Much appriciated!

"What the hell's going on? Where's Anderson? Where we going?"

Kaidan slowly looked up from his gun, towards the large, irritated lieutenant, trying not to let the man's loud speaking inflict further pain to his already aching head.

James was walking fast with Shepard, who looked just as irritated, which Kaidan could understand.  
The man had just watched the destruction of Vancouver, possibly the entire earth, and there wasn't a damn thing they could do except flee like frightened mice with their tails between their legs, forced to beg the Council for help.  
It was embarrassing as well as annoying, considering everything they had done for the Council while getting very little in return except a nod and a slap on the back.

Shepard didn't answer James as he continued to head towards Kaidan, which made James stop with an all the more annoyed look on his face.  
"Hey!"

Shepard glanced over his shoulder, giving James a hard look before marching on.  
"We're leaving."

"Leaving?" James disbelieving words were almost amusing if one didn't think of what was currently happening on earth.

Kaidan raised an eyebrow as Shepard immediately headed to the computers and started plotting a course for Joker.  
"What's going on," he asked, hoping he didn't sound as tired as he felt.  
He assumed that it had something to do with what Anderson and Shepard had talked about, but since he had pulled away, letting them talk in peace, he hadn't heard any of it.

Shepard paused for a moment before turning to face Kaidan.  
"Anderson wants us to go to the Citadel, get help for the fight," he said, his voice having lost some of the hard edge to it.

"Bullshit. He wouldn't order us to leave," James barked, having walked up to Shepard while the Commander's focus was on Kaidan.

Said Commander wasn't about to take the Lieutenants attitude though, and immediately turned his focus on him, eyes hard. He was silent for a few seconds, just staring James down before leaning in slightly closer.  
"We don't have a choice," he replied. "Without help, this war's already over." 

"Forget it," James huffed, shaking his head slightly as he looked at Shepard with an angry glare.  
"Drop me off someplace, 'cause I'm not leaving."

Kaidan really had to resist the urge to sigh and shake his head at the attitude James was showing. It was reminding him off a big, stubborn kid, but at the same time, he could understand the man's frustrating. They were leaving the fight and while it was to get help, it still felt wrong to just leave.  
They were leaving their planet, their home behind and the thought of that made something inside Kaidan downright nauseas.  
That or it was the killer head-ache that was throbbing at the back of his skull.

The chain of thought was broken though as Shepard interrupted James' stubborn protests, poking the Lieutenant hard on the chest.  
"Enough!" he barked, having clearly had enough of the protests. "Don't you think I'd rather stay and fight?"

He gestured his head towards the cargo-hulls exit, but his eyes never left James'.  
"We're going to the Citadel... you want out, you can catch a ride back from there."  
And with that, Shepard turned his attention back to the computers, ending the discussion. It was simply not up for debate.

James didn't look happy with it, brushing Shepard's command off with a wave of his hand as he turned away from him, but he didn't say anything.  
Neither did Kaidan, who had watched the brief confrontation in silence.

The silence was soon broken by Joker's voice sounding through the intercoms.  
"Commander."

"Joker... that you?" Shepard asked, the hard look vanishing as it was replaced by a look of surprise.

"Alive and kicking," Joker mused, the grin on his face practically visible over the audio. "Got an emergency transmission from Admiral Hackett for you."

Kaidan came a little closer to the computers when he heard that. It was even enough to make James stop and turn around with a look of interest.

"Patch it through," Shepard ordered, already reaching out to accept the transferred call.

The image was, as expected, unstable and twitchy, the audio barely making it through, but the sound and sight of Admiral Hackett was enough to make Kaidan feel just a little better.

"Shepard... sustained heavy losses."

The crackly words that escaped the speakers instantly removed that grain of "better" as the message continued, making Shepard's weary face turn even more pale and tired.

"... force was overwhelming... There's no way we can defeat them conventionally..."

Something inside Kaidan was slowly breaking as he watched Shepard, watched that tired face as he so desperately tried to sound... Certain.  
"Anderson's already ordered me to the Citadel, to talk to the Council."

"First I need you... iance outpost on Mars... ore we loose control of the system."

The hand shot up to Shepard's head automatically as the Commander saluted the grainy picture of Hackett. "Yes, sir."

The message wasn't over though as Hackett dropped his own little surprise at them.  
"...been researching the Prothean Archives with Doctor T'Soni."

Doctor T'Soni. 

Liara. 

So she had left Illium then.

Time had gone by so fast lately that, if Liara had even told him, Kaidan probably wouldn't have even remembered. He'd been so busy with other things...  
Now there was a risk of them never being able to remember, or forget, again.

"...found a way to stop the Reapers... only way to stop them... in contact soon. Hackett out."

Then the line was cut, leaving the room in silence for a moment before Shepard seemed to snap out of his weary trance.  
He reached for the com-button. "Joker. Set a course for the Mars Archives," he ordered.

"Mars?"  
Kaidan could practically hear the rise of Joker's eyebrow in that simple word.  
"Roger that."

If Joker had decided to protest, it was clear that Shepard would have none of it as he simply left the console, turning and heading towards the gun-table  
He passed both Kaidan and James, not giving either one of them a glance, and in a way, that hurt.

Kaidan knew he had no right to feel hurt, this was war, this was serious, but in the past... In the past they had been able to talk things through.  
They had been able to share the load, share the pain, but now... Now it seemed like Shepard was set on carrying the entire load on his own and Kaidan could do nothing but accept that.  
It was clear that they had both had made sure that whatever they had had... It was not an easy fix.  
Maybe it never could be fixed, especially since Kaidan still had no idea what he was feeling about... Anything.  
The hurt, the anger, the feeling of just being tired as well as the intense feelings of... caring that was still bubbling inside him.  
It was no damn wonder that he kept waking up with more frequent head-aches these days.

"This is loco," James grunted as the larger man came up to Kaidan, making the older man turn his head to face him for a moment.

Kaidan merely shook his head slightly as a response. "Why Mars," he asked instead as he looked away, shifting a little as his eyes searched and located Shepard again.  
"What does he think we will find there?"

It wasn't Shepard he was questioning, he was merely following orders, it was Hackett. Even if Liara, a Prothean expert, had been doing research and had even found a way, would it be enough?  
Still, he trusted Hackett. The man wouldn't send Shepard off on a while goose hunt unless he was absolutely sure.  
... or if he was desperate for any sort of clue.

Both options were equally valid when considering the situation they were in.

"I don't know, yet," Shepard responded honestly, picking up a hand-gun and reloaded it. One of his few, nervous ticks that Kaidan recognised from their time together.  
Every time Shepard was nervous, he would reload his guns, making sure the clips were not jammed.  
"-but if it helps us win this war..."

He didn't finish that sentence. He didn't need to.  
Both Kaidan and James were professional enough to know that every little bit counted.

Instead Kaidan just continued to watch Shepard move, catching a glance of a very familiar black-coloured chest piece as Shepard reached over and lifted it up.  
"Grab your gear."

It was not a request. It was an order.  
One Kaidan was only too happy to follow right now. 

It would give him something else to think about.  
At least for a little while.

***

The trip to Mars was short, only half an hour long, and by the time they were there, Kaidan had had the time to look over, prepare and put on his gear, he had checked and loaded his guns before fastening them to his back and hip, and he had stocked up on ammo.  
The only thing he hadn't had time to was get rid of his head-ache.

He had already taken two of the painkillers he always carried with him to ward of migraines, but with everything that was going on, with the stress and adrenaline still pumping around inside him, the painkillers had not yet taken effect.  
Kaidan doubted that they would have the chance to by now. He wasn't able to relax enough for the medication to take effect.  
Maybe in a way, he wasn't letting himself. In a way, it was a suiting punishment for leaving his home behind.

The Normandy was silent and the quick check-up had revealed only a handful of people onboard excluding Kaidan, James, Shepard and Joker.  
Those who had been fortunate enough to be on board when the Reapers had attacked and had probably escaped an almost certain death at the space-port.

Amongst the survivors that Kaidan recognised was Lieutenant Gregory Adams, their chief engineer on the first Normandy, which was a blessed discovery.  
The man was capable of doing the work of many, which was a good thing since he was the only engineer on board. Kaidan had, along with Shepard, some basic engineering knowledge, but not as much as needed when it came to a ship such as the Normandy.

Other than that, they only had what could be called a "skeleton crew", the bare minimum of what was needed in order to keep the ship going.  
Still, it would have to do, they were not exactly in a position to be picky and as long as the Normandy was running, Kaidan wasn't about to complain.

One man that Kaidan did know, though only a little, was a man that helped them get their gear ready as well as prepping their shuttle by the name of Steve Cortez.

Kaidan didn't know him well, they had talked on a few occasions when Kaidan's curiosity had driven him to see the Normandy, but he knew that the man was a more than capable shuttle-pilot and a decent man in general.  
He had also learned that Steve had lost his husband, Robert, during a collector attack on the Ferris Fields, which the man was still morning.

Kaidan couldn't blame him.  
Steve had lost his husband that day and Kaidan could easily relate to the pain and feeling of being lost from his final day on Horizon.  
He hadn't lost his husband, but Kaidan had lost someone equally precious to him.

Now they were all working together in silence, getting ready for their trip to Mars.

As soon as Joker gave them the clear, they got into the shuttle together and within minutes they were heading down towards the planets red surface.  
Heading towards only God knew what.

Vega was controlling the shuttle, needing something to do with his hands as he was feeling way to restless.  
Shepard had let him, knowing that if he didn't give the man something to do with himself, they would just agitate one another.

As for Kaidan... Kaidan kept himself in the back of the shuttle, sitting down and his head hanging a little forward, eyes closed in concentration as he tried to calm down the raging monster that was tearing apart his brain.  
He was listening with half a ear as Joker spoke over the com, alerting them that he had been trying to reach the base through secure channels, but getting no response.

"Any signs of Reaper activity," Shepard asked, holding onto one of the many handles on the roof so he wouldn't loose his balance.  
Seemed like there was some harsh winds on the planet's surface, making the small shuttle rock slightly back and forward, but nothing they couldn't handle.

"Negative."

"EDI?"

"The base appears to be online. It's possible the inhabitants were evacuated."

"We'll know soon enough," Shepard said, turning around and returning to the back of the shuttle. "Be ready, Joker... just in case."

"Roger that. Normandy out."

As soon as Kaidan sensed Shepard near him, he lifted his head and looked at the man.  
Shepard looked back and for a moment, the tension was back.

Kaidan desperately wanted to say something and John... well, John seemed to wait for something.  
Anything.

Instead there was silence. A heavy silence, as Kaidan got up from his seat and, together with Shepard, put his helmet on over his head.  
He had nothing to say. Or rather, he had plenty to say, but no way of speaking them. The time... It just wasn't right.  
They would just have to deal when they went to the Citadel instead.

"We're almost there," Vega said as he heard the two of them move around behind them, steering the shuttle towards the landing pad by the base.

Another minute passed as the shuttle touched down onto the planet's surface, giving the small team another moment to prepare.  
That's when James broke the next set of "good news". "Still no contact from the base, but we've got a massive storm heading our way."

Great, just what they needed.

"How long until it hits," Shepard asked as James picked up his own guns after securing the shuttle's control-panel.

"Half an hour tops," James responded. "After that, we're gonna have difficulty keeping up comms with the Normandy."

"Understood," Shepard replied as he opened up the shuttle door, his voice sounding almost like he was a robot.  
It was the same, detached voice Kaidan had grown familiar with when he first met Shepard on the Normandy three years ago.  
That was, until the crew had grown together and opened up.

Shepard was in full focus now. He couldn't afford any failures.  
None of them could.

As soon as they jumped out of the shuttle, Kaidan could feel the strength of the wind tearing at his body.  
He'd hate to be caught in the middle of the storm as the storms on Mars were vicious.

Even James seemed impressed as they glanced behind him, taking in the threatening red clouds as lightning rolled over it, slowly heading their way.  
"Damn... that's a huge storm. Looks a lot bigger in person."

"Pretty average for Mars, actually," Kaidan replied, having seen those storms before.  
It still didn't mean he wanted to get caught in the middle of it.

"I'm glad you're so optimistic," Vega replied dryly, making Kaidan grit his teeth some.

"We've got Reapers invading Earth, the station here is offline... a little dust storm seems like the least of our worries," he replied, trying to keep the sharpness out of his tone, but only halfway succeeding.

"Fair enough," Vega replied before falling silent, which Kaidan was glad for.  
He didn't like loosing his temper, but with everything that was going on and with the head-ache that kept hammering on the inside of his skull...  
He had to get it together, he had to keep his cool. This was serious business.

That's when they stumbled over the first bodies.

"What's that," James asked as Shepard kneeled down next to the body, carefully rolling it over enough for them to see.

"He's Alliance," Kaidan replied as he leaned over Shepard to get a look. "... Sergeant Reeves. Didn't put up a fight before he died," he murmured, already feeling his heart beating in his chest.

"Something's not right, here," James added, voicing Kaidan's worries as they all started looking around, trying to see any signs of suspicious activities.  
Other than the two bodies laying on the ground next to them.

"Keep a low profile till we know what's going on," Shepard ordered quietly as he continued to press forward towards the base in a slower pace than before, his weapon already out.  
Kaidan copied his idea, grabbing a hold of his machine-gun and keeping it ready. He wasn't sure if he wanted to rely on his biotics just now, not with the way his head-ache kept acting up.

"Roger that," James answered, keeping his own heavy gun up and ready as he followed the two veterans.

As they came closer to the facility, the faint sounds of explosions echoed over the area.  
Shepard held his hand up as he quickly moved towards a stack of crates and ducked down behind them. He gestured for the two others to follow before carefully leaning around the side to catch a peak on what was going on down the slope ahead of them.

The sight ahead was enough to send a new wave of worry and anger through Kaidan as he caught a good look at the group of people down the slope.

Cerberus.

He wanted to say something, but Shepard had already moved forward, his weapon already firing towards the group ahead of them as they executed what seemed to be another Alliance soldier.

"They know we're here now," James said, sounding almost amused as Kaidan let out a silent curse and started attacking along with Shepard.

The group was small and easily taken care off as they had managed to catch them by surprise, but they still put up enough of a fight.  
Still, with the element of surprise on their side they were able to defeat them, but Shepard hadn't left anyone alive so they could question them.

They probably didn't have time for it, but Kaidan wanted answers.

What the hell was going on?! Why was Cerberus here?!

"Those guys were Cerberus, weren't they," James asked, and for once Kaidan was glad that James were willing to ask all the questions as he wasn't sure that he himself would be able to form proper sentences without sounding too accusatory.

"Sure looked like it," Shepard replied, nudging one of them with his boot, as to assure himself that he or she was dead.

"Cerberus," Kaidan stated, his voice sounding hard and tense. "What are they doing here on Mars?"

"Good question," Shepard murmured as he continued to slowly head forward, only to stop as Kaidan asked his next "good question".

"You don't know?"

"I'm not with them anymore, Kaidan, if that's what you were asking," the Commander replied with a slightly annoyed tone before he continued to move ahead.

"It wasn't," Kaidan replied as he followed, trying not to look too hard at Shepard's back. "...but we've got a shadowy terrorist organization infiltrating one of our top research facilities. I think that warrants a bit of suspicion."  
 _'Way to go, Alenko,'_ Kaidan thought to himself. _'Defend yourself like the scardy-cat you are.'_

At least Shepard didn't have time to answer as more bullets headed their way, their conversation disturbed as Vega yelled "Look out" just in time for Kaidan's shield to absorb a bullet that probably would have broken his helmet and coloured the inside of his helmet red.  
Not exactly a thought he wanted to linger on.

Again it seemed to be a small group, probably a team to keep the grounds secure while whatever was going on inside was being handled and by the group's somewhat panicked chatter it was clear that they had not expected for anyone to be here.  
It was made especially clear when one of they yelled out "I thought we had dealt with security," only to have a sour "They look like Alliance regulars to you?" shot back at him.  
In a way, it was comforting to know that Cerberus were as surprised to see them as they were to see Cerberus.

No more than a couple of minutes passed before the Cerberus group had been dealt with and the path up to the research facility was clear.

"It doesn't look like they came here in force," James commented as they walked up towards the large building, carefully scanning the area for any sort of hint for trouble.

"Yeah, just a few vehicles," Shepard murmured, though there was something about his voice... Like he was expecting something.

"Must've had help from the inside," Kaidan replied, frowning some as he looked up at the facility. It really looked dead and for Cerberus to efficiently shut down this place... It had to have been an inside job.

"You could be right," Shepard agreed as he walked up the ramp to the open entrance, gun still up.

"No way they could take this facility with anything less than a full battalion." 

Shepard didn't answer the Major as he walked over to the elevator, waiting until Kaidan and James were on the platform before pressing the button.  
The platform jerked to life as they were lifted upwards, the door to the facility sliding shut.  
The familiar hum of the airshaft system filled the shaft as they travelled upwards, but they kept their helmets on as there wasn't enough air yet to breathe without them.

It was probably just as good as Kaidan was getting tired of Shepard's silence.

"Shepard," he said as he secured his rifle to his back while approaching the Commander. "I need a straight answer."

"Kaidan," Shepard started, but Kaidan didn't let him finish, stopping and pointing a finger at him.

"Don't "Kaidan" me, this is business," he said, voice hard as he stared Shepard down.  
"Do you have any idea why Cerberus is here?"

"What makes you think I know what they're up to?" Shepard merely said, even shrugging his shoulders some as he continued to stare right back at Kaidan, un-phased by the glare from the biotic.  
It was enough to make Kaidan rethink his sudden outburst and reel himself in.

"You worked for them, for god's sake," he instead sighed, turning away from the man. "How am I not supposed to think that?"

"We joined forces to take down the collectors," Shepard said as Kaidan leaned against the railing, gripping hard at the steel.  
"That's it."

"There's more to it," Kaidan said, shaking his head as he desperately tried to gather his thought so that maybe, just maybe Shepard would understand where he was coming from.  
"They rebuild you from the ground up, they gave you a ship, resources..."

"Let me be clear," Shepard said as he joined the biotic by the railings, disrupting him.  
"I've had no contact with Cerberus since I destroyed the collector base. And I have no idea why they are here now, or what they want."

"Commander Shepard has been under constant surveillance since coming back to Earth. No way they've communicated since," James offered, standing a little away from them.  
Kaidan didn't blame him as the Lieutenant was probably feeling more than a little awkward. They weren't exactly hiding the fact that they had a history, even if Vega didn't know exactly how deep and intimate that history went.

The biotic looked towards the Lieutenant before giving a small nod, pushing himself away from the railing.  
"Sorry, Shepard. It's just that-" he started before another hiss of air interrupted his apology, alerting them that it was now safe to breathe before continuing upwards.

Shepard didn't answer until they had removed their helmets, but once he did... The look he gave Kaidan was one of emotion. Hurt, sadness...  
"You of all people should know what I'm about, Kaidan," he murmured, his voice thick before turning away, leaving Kaidan with his head hanging.

It wouldn't be the first time that he was questioning himself and his thoughts, and until the two of them could actually sit down and talk, it wouldn't be the last.  
But at least Shepard had been clear with him now instead of talking around the subject, which made Kaidan feel a little bit better about what was going on.

He could live with being wrong, he had always been able to do that.  
It was when he wasn't -told- what he was wrong about, or even that he was wrong, but still worked against that he didn't like.

He hated secrets.  
He hated being confused.

Clarity. Structure. Integrity. That's what he had built his life on and what had kept him going in hard times.  
He couldn't afford loosing it now.

The sound of the ceiling sliding open above them made him look up, alerting him of their arrival.  
They had reached their destination.


	32. Questions and Answers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Shepard and Kaidan finally get a chance to air out a couple of concerns.  
> But only a couple.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was planning on writing this in one sitting since it all takes place over the spawn of a few hours, but there is so much going on and I felt that I couldn't really skip as much as I originally had planned.  
> So... I am splitting this into two before the chapter turns even longer and thus, boring.
> 
> Hope you will enjoy anyway!

You knew you have experienced a lot of things you really weren't surprised when Asari started "raining from the sky".  
Or rather, when friends suddenly fell out of air ducts, chased by Cerberus soldiers and managed to dispose of them faster than you were able to whip your gun out.

At one moment, Shepard was asking him to trust him, the next moment there were bodies on the floor.

Just when had Liara become so... Fierce..?  
Kaidan really had missed a little too much time.

Still, he couldn't help but admiring the way she had handled the situation, and for a moment, the tension between him and Shepard was gone as they were focused on Liara and the current situation.  
Shepard seemed happy to see Liara as well, which helped to further ease the tension between them.

As it turned out, Hackett had been right to send them there as Liara had made a rather interesting discovery.  
Prothean plans for a device that could wipe out the Reapers.

The problem now was getting to them before Cerberus did.

James was sent back to the shuttle to cover their exits, should Cerberus manage to beat them to it, while Kaidan, Liara and Shepard headed deeper into the archives to find the plans.  
The was a loss too the firepower as Liara only had a small hand-gun, but her biotic powers were a blessing. She was able to levitate the Cerberus soldiers up, preventing them from efficiently shooting as well as making them an easy target to take down.  
Kaidan did his best to add in his own biotics, but he could feel the strain every time he tried, his head throbbing painfully every time he used them.

Still, he didn't say anything and pushed himself the best he could.

Getting into the archive would prove to be a challenge as Cerberus had locked down the pedway as well as tampered with the security system, but Liara seemed to know the system as she immediately started working on it along with Shepard.  
Kaidan kept his eyes on the back in case more Cerberus soldiers decided to pay them a visit, but instead something else caught his eye.  
Something on the live feeds screen.

"Did you see that?" he asked, turning his attention to the vid. "Who's that woman in the vid?"

"That's Doctor Eva Core," Liara said, getting up from her chair so she could have a closer look.  
"She came here about a week ago."

Kaidan frowned some as he nodded, looking at the vid as Liara turned her attention to Shepard and the locked down pedway.

Unfortunately, luck wasn't on their side and the pedway remained locked down. Normally Shepard would have tried to hack his way through, but they didn't have the time to try it. The clock was ticking and the more time they wasted on what could be many failed attempts, the closer Cerberus would get to the labs.

That's when Liara pointed out that they could get out over the roof, through a constructive site outside.  
It wasn't optimal, but it was the best, and currently the only option they had.

While there were no troopers outside, the storm was picking up, even disrupting the communication between them and James, even though the latter was still on the planet.  
Still, getting into the other side of the facility was easy, though the reason was a horrific one.

Someone had opened the air-vents in the building.  
While there were still people inside.

As they entered the darkened building, which seemed to be the facilities cantina-area, they could see the bodies scattered around them, the lights from the lights on their weapons revealing looks of panic and desperation on their faces.  
They had died trying to get out.

It was a horrible sight to see and, as guilty as it made him feel, Kaidan was glad he couldn't see them all.  
He just knew that the "someone" who had done this was Cerberus and it seemed like Liara agreed with him as she commented that "this was brutal, even by Cerberus standards." 

Shepard didn't say anything, but Kaidan could see, even in the faint light from his rifle, the way his fingers tightened around a discarded compad he had found and picked up.

"We'll make them pay," he offered softly, looking towards Shepard.

The Commander didn't look back at him. Instead he merely put the compad back down where he found it.  
The tight grip returned around the handle of his rifle and, with determined steps, Shepard started walking again.  
"Yeah. We will."

Shepard's voice was hard. Determined.   
Kaidan knew that the second Shepard found the bastards that were responsible for the scene they had found, they would wish they had never been born.

Even if Kaidan knew that all the people in here were dead, he couldn't help but kneel down to a body near the stairs, using one hand to turn him over to lay on his back.  
He immediately turned away and closed his eyes, taking a moment to adjust himself to the look of pain and sheer terror that was on the man's face.  
He wanted to say something, make a comment on how they should notify these people's families before he remembered. These people... There might not be a family to notify.  
Not anymore.

"We'll find a list," Shepard said as he descended down the stairs, towards a closed door at the bottom of the cantina.  
"And we'll make sure that nobody is forgotten."

"Yeah," Kaidan agreed while reaching out, gently closing the man's eyes before straightening back up so he could follow Liara and Shepard down.  
"I know we won't."

Being in a completely dark area was never an ideal situation, especially not when the three of them were clearly showing their position thanks to the beams of light coming from the flashlights on their weapons.  
Shepard made himself busy by looking around the lower areas, scoping the darkest shadows when he had noticed the sudden, quick flash that appeared through the windows at the bottom of the cantina.  
"Flashlights."  
The Commander immediately took cover behind a large table as the room on the other side of the glass suddenly lit up, revealing a small group of Cerberus soldiers on the other side.

Kaidan and Liara took cover behind the railings, using the darkness of the room as well as the vending machines to shield themselves the best they could.  
Not wanting to draw unwanted attention to themselves, Kaidan quickly turned off the flashlight on his rifle, cloaking them even further with darkness.

So far, they seemed to have been unnoticed.  
The speakers between the room seemed to be still functioning because the group's voices were auditable in the otherwise silent room.

"Roger that. Delta Team out."

The group seemed restless, on the edge as they looked around themselves, a seemingly tight grip on their weapons.  
Kaidan figured that the trios presence on Mars wasn't exactly going unnoticed, but he hoped they still maintained some sort of element of surprise. After all, they could be anywhere.

"What's our orders," one of the troopers grunted out, shifting his position as he peered out through the glass, into the empty darkness on the other side.

"There's an Alliance force in here somewhere," the first soldier grunted out. "We need to keep them away from the core."

Well, then... That was useful information.  
Of course, they already knew that they had to get to the centre of the base, but knowing that the Intel they needed was still there was good to know.

Now they just had to figure out just how to get to the core.

"Check the next room," one of the other soldiers ordered, pointing towards the glass and the dark room.

"It's dark in there," the second soldier said and Kaidan could have sworn that it sounded like he was whining.  
"Want me to shoot out the windows?"

"No!" the soldier said quickly, snapping his head towards the soldier who had asked the question.  
"Not unless you want to decompress this room, too."

That seemed to have given Shepard an idea because the Commander suddenly peered up from behind the counter and, before the soldiers on the other side of the glass spotted him, took his shot.  
The window shattered into a thousand tiny pieces as the bullet slammed through it, straight into the soldier who had spoken the last's head. The shield and helmet had offered little resistance as blood came out from the tiny opening before the soldier sagged to the ground.  
That was enough to send the remaining troopers into action as they opened fire into the room and while the light from their room now seeped into previously dark room, Kaidan and Liara still had the cover of darkness on their side.  
They would use that to their full advantages.

One well-placed singularity from Liara and a few well-aimed shots from both Kaidan and Shepard had the remaining three of the soldiers down, their bodies falling onto the ground with a "thud" as soon as Liara's attack dissolved.  
"Well, that was easy," she said in a relieved voice.

"We're not out of the woods yes," Shepard said as he jumped through the broken window after making sure there were no survivors.  
"We still need to reach the labs."

"You're right," she murmured, following after Kaidan when he jumped over the ledge to the other room.

Shepard had already located the control panel in the room, mumbling out a "At least we took care of the bastards that decompressed this area" to himself as he checked the corpse of a soldier slumped over in a chair.  
He'd been executed at point blank judging by the mess on the walls and the screens.

Liara said nothing as she joined him by the control panel, merely stating that "We need to pressurize the room first" as she started pressing the buttons.

There was a familiar hiss coming from the ducts as the airshafts started working as intended, pressurizing the room before filling it with oxygen.  
It would take a couple of minutes, but Kaidan could already see the levels climbing to normal when checking his omnitool. As soon as it was safe, he would removed his helmed to catch a whiff of fresh air. Being inside the suit quickly turned stuffy and it was always an idea to save their own oxygen for later.  
They never knew when they had to rely on only their own private tanks.  
He and Shepard were well off thanks to their suits, but Liara had only a small tank fastened to her oxygen mask.   
It wouldn't last her more than half an hour at best, even if her mask was able to recycle it a couple of times.

"There we go," Liara said while looking over the levels, nodding when it gave a beep to show that it was once again safe to breathe in there.  
"We have access to the labs. They'll take us right to the tram station."

Kaidan joined the two of them over by the controls when he noticed a seemingly paused video-fed on the screen, showing what Kaidan assumed was the executed man they had found.  
"Hey," he said while removing his helmet, glad to feel the slightly cooler air on his cheeks.  
"There's a recording of what happened here."

Shepard raised an eyebrow before turning his attention to the screen, pressing the button to get the vid started.

What was revealed on the tape really shouldn't have surprised Kaidan, he had seen too much by now, but it still was a shock.  
The woman from the first vid Kaidan saw, Doctor Eva Core, had done it. Done it all.  
She had shot the soldiers on their post here, flushed the air out of the cantina area, locked the base down and invited Cerberus in.  
All of this, just go get their hands on some prothean schematics that weren't even guarantied to do anything?

Liara and Shepard looked as shocked as Kaidan felt, and when Shepard reached out to turn the vid off, Kaidan was glad.  
"Well," he mumbled, shaking his head some. "I guess we know how Cerberus got in."

"I should've realised it when I met her," Liara said, turning her back to the vid with a look of sorrow on her face.  
"I was just so focused on finding a way to stop the Reapers."  
The situation was upsetting her and Kaidan could relate.  
The person that had been responsible for all of this had been straight under her nose and she hadn't suspected a thing.

Shepard saw that the Asari needed a moment as well, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder.  
Kaidan just swallowed and looked away, allowing them their moment. He could play guard while Shepard offered words of wisdom to her, or whatever he did in order to make her feel better.  
It's what Shepard did best, other than fighting and bringing people together.

While Kaidan and Liara had been close friends thanks to their mutual abilities and similar interests, Shepard and Liara had always shared something else.  
Shepard seemed to understand Liara in a different way and while Kaidan knew that he had no interest in her other than as friends, Kaidan also knew that, when they first started serving together, Liara had had somewhat of a crush on Shepard.  
Whether it was because of the "mind-melting" as Shepard had called it, or something else, Kaidan wasn't willing to guess, but it had been there and more than a little obvious.  
He had often wondered why Shepard hadn't ended up with her, why he had chosen to lay his attention with Kaidan, at least during the time they had served together, but there was an almost three year gap where Kaidan had not been in Shepard's life.  
While Liara hadn't been either, the few times Kaidan had talked to her, she had apparently done more for Shepard, even if she didn't come straight out and say it, than Kaidan had.  
He wouldn't be surprised if Shepard and Liara had found something more during that time...  
Liara was a beautiful woman, smart and funny, and the last years had helped in maturing her from a insecure woman to something stronger.

Snapping his head from the sudden, rather negative chain of thoughts, Kaidan realised that whatever soft talking he had registered in the background had ceased.  
When he turned his head to glance over his shoulder, he found both Shepard and Liara looking at him.  
He quickly looked away again, but he could have sworn that he saw something in Liara's eyes... like she knew something that Kaidan didn't.  
He wasn't sure what to make of it.

"That's a terrible burden," Liara said behind him, making Shepard chuckle softly.

"We'll stop them, Liara. Together."

In one way, Kaidan wished he hadn't started "listening in" now.  
Together... Now that was a loaded word with many meanings. Kaidan didn't want to think about what that could mean.

'Stop it, Alenko,' he mentally cursed himself, returning his focus to his "guard-duties".  
This was so very typical him when he had stressed himself up, especially if he was already suffering the effects of a "head-ache-turning-to-migraine".  
Toss him in a room with a gang of smugglers and he wouldn't even break a sweat.  
Toss him in a room with Shepard, whom he wanted to kiss and hit at the same time, and his mentality and security was shot to pieces.  
He guessed he could blame the fact that Earth was being attacked as a good reason to be frazzled, but at the same time it sounded like such a shit excuse to being insecure. This, he figured, was the worse time to start feeling jealous and insecure over something that had been over for over two years.

Catching movement at the cover of his eyes, Kaidan turned his head in time to see Shepard and Liara pass him as they headed towards the doors ahead of them.  
Seemed like they had managed to open the doors then.  
That was good news.

"You coming, Kaidan," Shepard asked, turning and looking at Kaidan with what seemed to be a look of concern.  
"... You okay?"

"Yeah, yeah," Kaidan said, nodding his head as he quickly headed up to Shepard.  
"Sorry, just... trying to sort my head."

"You and me both, but we have to push forward. We have to remain focused."

"I'm with you, Shepard," Kaidan murmured, which earned him a smile back from his Commander.

When the doors slid open, Kaidan halfway expected there to be a flood of Cerberus troopers coming towards them, guns blazing.  
The only sound there was, however, was the sound of someone talking. That was almost more unnerving, especially since they knew that Cerberus knew that they were here.  
The question was, did Cerberus know that they knew that.

Knowing that it was risk they had to take, the trio continued to push forward, with Shepard in the lead and Kaidan watching their rear.   
No words or commands were needed for them to take this formation.  
It was what they had always done.

"Echo Squad, I want a perimeter set up around the tram station. No one gets in or out. Do you read me?"

"Nice of them to speak so loudly," Kaidan whispered, earning a small chuckle from both Liara and Shepard as they move around the corner, up a small flight of stairs and towards a new, closed door.

"Why we pulling back," someone asked as Shepard crept up to the door and carefully palmed the door's opening pad, letting it slide open.

"Sounds like the Alliance has sent reinforcements. The doctor wants the Archives protected at all costs."

They immediately took cover as the door opened up, afraid that the soft hiss from the door's movements would alert the soldiers, but when Kaidan carefully peered around the corner, the two soldiers that were standing on the other side hadn't even noticed that the door was now open.

They could use that to their advantages. Cerberus was apparently very comfortable with the situation, probably believing they had everything under control.

Not wanting to alert them more than they had to, Shepard looked to Kaidan and gave a small nod with his head.  
Kaidan nodded back before letting his biotics flare up. His head throbbed with the effort, but he always had the strength to toss out a singularity or two...  
The surprised sounds of scream was downright music to Kaidan's ears as the two soldiers started floating helplessly around the room they had been in, though their panicked cries had alerted a third trooper that came rushing out from around the corner.  
He probably wished he hadn't done that as Shepard took him out with a couple of shots while Liara and Kaidan took care of those who had been trapped by Kaidan's biotics.  
However, the noise had attracted the attention of more soldiers and the "flood" Kaidan had feared just minutes earlier was not threatening to show up.

"Keep pressure on them, don't let them come any closer," Shepard ordered as he took cover behind a crate while Kaidan found himself creeping closer towards a second set of open doors, using the wall there was cover.

"On it," he called out, nodding at Liara as he watched her toss out a singularity of her own.  
He had only briefly tested this with his squad and it wasn't always that it worked, but he had found that sometimes, certain biotic attacks responded to one another in interesting ways...  
Inhaling sharply, Kaidan let his biotics surge up before lashing out with an attack he had spent months working on.  
The devastating effects that the attack called Reave had on enemies, shielded or not, had proved to be useful time and time again, but it was a downright draining attack to use so he tried to use it smartly.  
The echoing boom from the other room told him that this had been one of those times, the reave having responded with Liara's singularity in a rather devastating way. As far as Kaidan could see when peering around the door's corner, four soldiers had been efficiently dealt with. A fifth was laying on his back, a large protective shield laying next to him, which had probably saved him from the same fate his comrades had faced.  
A quick bullet to his head kept him from being a problem later.

Together they picked off the two remaining soldiers who had managed to avoid the blast before silence once again fell over the area.

Shepard nodded at Kaidan and offered him an impressed smile. "Nice work, Major."

Kaidan gave Shepard a sheepish smile back. "Thanks. It was a gamble, so I am glad it worked."

"Me too," Shepard replied before nodding his head towards the now cleared area.  
"Come on, lets get out of here before more troopers come. That blast might have alerted someone."

Kaidan nodded and the trio quickly pressed forward.

The blast from the biotics had, unfortunately, seemingly alerted the soldiers that seemed to be in the area and as they pushed forward, they found more and more troopers that tried stalling them.  
While they didn't have optimal fighting conditions, they at least had the advantages of covers. Still, the tight quarters made it hard to press forward in a timely matter and Kaidan knew that time wasn't exactly on their side.  
They had to hurry and they knew it. Knowing he would suffer for it later, Kaidan pushed himself on, using more biotics than he was supposed to. He knew he would probably be down with a migraine from hell as soon as the adrenaline-rush stopped, but as long as his nose didn't start bleeding, Kaidan considered himself to be in the clear.

The first proof that they were gaining ground was when one of the troopers yelled out for them to fall back to the trams, only to be silenced by a precise shot from Shepard's rifle.  
A door behind the remaining troopers slid open, giving the troopers enough time to escape before Shepard and Kaidan could reach them.   
"Shit," Shepard cursed as he tried to connect to the door's controllers, attempting to hack it.

That's when the smell hit Kaidan.  
"God. What's that stench?"  
The second he said it, he knew what it was and he closed his eyes when Liara only confirmed his thoughts

"They just activated the decontamination protocols," the Asari said, her voice thick as her eyes fell to a room just below the slightly elevated platform they were standing on.

"With the staff still inside," Kaidan whispered hoarsely back as he looked through the windows to the room.  
The people inside... he just hoped they didn't have time to feel a thing.

Shepard slowly walked down to the room and peered in through the window, only to inhale deeply and slowly.  
He didn't say anything, only closed his eyes for a moment before turning his head away from the scene and walked over to the control panel next to the door so he could deactivate the protocol that was going on.  
It took a few seconds to map the way the shields were moving in the room, but as soon as they lined up the way Shepard wanted them, he shut them off, leaving them with a clear path to the door on the inside of the room.  
Hopefully it would be open.

When he opened the door, the stench from the inside just became more potent and Kaidan had to focus on breathing through his mouth as they walked inside.  
With the other set of doors shut down, Kaidan hoped that they could go through this room instead without having to spend too much time in there.

"This is where they studied the various relics unearthed here," Liara whispered in an attempt to distract them, or possibly only herself from the bodies that were laying on the floor, already looking mummified thanks to the decontamination protocols.

"What did they find," Shepard asked as he quickly scanned the room the door-controls or anything else that could be of use.

"More than I could describe in a short conversation," Liara replied while kneeling down to pick up a discarded compad, giving it a quick look-over.

Kaidan let her continue talking as he quickly activated his omnitool, trying to pick up any signals from the fleeing troopers.  
He was glad for the distraction, in all honesty. It kept him from thinking about their current location and the poor people that had died there.  
"And they'd only scratched the surface," Liara continued while walking over to Shepard, showing him the compad she had picked up.   
"There are vaults filled with Prothean data troves that have never been studied."

Shepard glanced up from the door's lock, looking at the compad for a moment as he read over the information.  
"Interesting, but not what we need right now," he murmured as he made quick work of the closed door, overriding the locks on it.  
"Come on, lets get out of here before Cerberus comes back and decides we belong in there with the rest of the relics."

Liara nodded and the compad down before leaving the room, Shepard and Kaidan quickly following her.  
Getting out of what now resembled a tomb more than a lab was a relief, but when seeing the tramlines, Kaidan let out a small sigh of relief.

They were getting closer.

"That's the tram-line," Liara said, the relief obvious in her voice as well. "Takes us right to the Archives. No doubt Cerberus has it locked down. Hopefully we can override it at the security station."  
She pointed down the hallway, to the left of where they had come out.  
"It's just through here."

"Hopefully this will be quick and painless," Shepard said as he hurried down the hallway, approaching the door to the security station.  
He took a moment to listen for any sign of life on the other side before lifting his hand to the door's lock, palming it.

As the door slid open though, Kaidan got a good look on the massive twin gun barrels that were facing them.  
"Head's up!" he yelled before quickly pushing Shepard out of the door's opening as bullets suddenly peppered the ground before taking cover on the other side of the opening, opposite of Shepard and Liara.

Shepard looked a bit surprised for a moment before peering around the corner.   
"That's an understatement," he grunted as he took in the Gatling gun on the other side, shooting the Cerberus soldiers that were controlling it a dirty look at the same time.  
Still, he looked back at Kaidan with a look of gratitude, which Kaidan responded to with a nod of his head.

"I take it that's the only way in," Kaidan asked as he glanced around the corner, trying to get a quick overview of the situation.  
The troopers were placed well behind the massive turret, controlling it from what Kaidan would guess were the security room. He also guessed that the glass shielding them would be bulletproof.

"That's the only way I know of," Liara confirmed.

"We'll skirt around it. Stay out of its sights," Shepard said, but they all knew that it was risky.  
Their regular shields would be no match of the gun that were currently aiming in their general direction, but Kaidan did have an ace up his sleeve.

It would take a lot of focus and he couldn't really do anything else but run, but in theory he would be able to summon up enough biotics to shield himself enough to at least get the attention of the person aiming at them.  
"I'll move up first," he said, already moving before Shepard could protest on it. If he would protest on it.  
Kaidan had already activated his shields and while he was planning on not getting hit, at least he could shrug off a bullet or two, giving him enough time to possibly find cover.  
In theory.  
Hopefully he wouldn't have the chance to test his theory.

The turret immediately responded to Kaidan's movements, though there was a slight delay as it started shooting and moving, missing Kaidan by inches. It was all the biotic needed in order to get into cover and by the time he stopped moving, Shepard and Liara had followed behind him, taking cover where they could.  
"Don't let it target you," he called out as he took a second to catch his breath, his biotics glowing strongly as he concentrated on keeping the shield up.

"Keep it up," Shepard yelled in response as Kaidan took a deep breath and dove back in, quickly pushing himself forward and crossing the hallway again as he moved forward, once again taking cover before the turret could lock itself on him.

"Up ahead!" he called out, nodding his head towards the crates that were scattered along a set of railings. He was trying to get a good look at any possible routes and as far as he could see, they could only go one way.  
"Try getting to the left side, the door to the right seems to be jammed! I couldn't see any working lock on it!"

"Roger that," Shepard confirmed from somewhere behind Kaidan.  
"Can you get closer?"

"Yeah," Kaidan confirmed, even if he wasn't a hundred percent if he actually could.  
Heck, he would give it his best attempt or die trying.  
The fact that the latter was more than plausible... Well. Kaidan choose not to think about that.

As he dashed forward, Kaidan could hear the bullets as they flew past him, knowing that the closer he got, the bigger a target he made; at least until he could make it to the turret's blind spots.  
Still, he made it to the crates by the railings, quickly sitting down so he could have cover.  
The hardest sprint would come now, as there was fewer spots to properly hide down the hallway.

A sudden thud next to him made Kaidan snap his head to the side, only to see Shepard crouched down next to him, breathing hard.  
"Together," the Commander said as he caught his breath, nodding his head towards the open pathway.

Kaidan merely nodded, peering around the corner, waiting for an opening.

As the giant turret slowly turned to pin down on their location, Shepard barked out a loud "Now!" before getting up and heading down towards the door, keeping to the left of the path.  
Kaidan was right behind him, keeping to the right, knowing that the turret couldn't get them both at the same time.  
A flicker of blue told him that Liara was covering them with an extra biotic shield, which would buy them a few more seconds as they reached the door.

Halfway down the path Kaidan realised that the turret stopped moving all together.  
"Shepard, we've reached it's blind spot," he yelled.

"Great," Shepard yelled back as he reached the door, taking a moment to listen.  
"They're gathering on the other side. Get ready for a fight," he added before opening the door, quickly shifting and getting himself into cover as the troopers on the inside started shooting.

Kaidan quickly joined the fight along with Liara, the two biotics once again combining their biotic talents to create some havoc.  
While Liara focused on levitating the troopers, Kaidan tried his best to disable their shields, making them more of an easy target for Shepard as a couple of them floated around helplessly in the room. It was at times like this he missed the extra charges in his omnitool, but it was better with precision rather than rapid charges.  
That just made your omnitool overheat anyway.

The battle was over quickly; there had only been a handful of troopers in the room and they were taken care of.  
Either they had overestimated their own troops or underestimated just what a couple of highly trained Alliance marines and a Asari biotic could do.  
Maybe it was a mix of both.

As they walked towards the security panels, the vids on the four working monitors kept shifting from camera to camera until a couple of Cerberus troopers came onto the screen.   
Liara quickly paused the rotation so they could focus on the troopers.

"Set up a perimeter," a woman barked at the soldiers off-screen, making them halt for a moment.   
"No one else comes across."

"We still have teams on the other side..." one of the soldiers said hesitantly, earning him a harsh look from the woman as she entered the cameras view, revealing herself to be Doctor Eva.

"No one," she said harshly before looking up towards the camera. She frowned as she lifted her gun towards it.  
"And shut down those cameras!"

"Looks like they've made it to the Archives," Liara said as their live-fed was reduced to static, pushing herself away from the control panel.

"And I doubt they'll just send us a tram," Kaidan replied dryly as he ejected the half-empty clip from his rifle and replacing it with a new one.  
Better safe than sorry.

Shepard just shook his head some before glancing over at Liara. "Can you override it?"

Liara reached towards the controls and started working before letting out a sigh. "The Archives are on a separate network," she said, giving Shepard an apologetic look.  
"We're completely locked out."

That's when an idea went off in Kaidan's head.  
And idea he had actually used on a couple of missions in the past as part of his student's training.  
"Not if we can find a short-range communicator, helmet to helmet," he said, immediately heading towards the dead troopers, hoping to find someone who seemed to be "higher ranked" than the others.

"And," Shepard asked, eyebrow raised as he seemed to wonder what the heck Kaidan was thinking.

"And we convince them that we're on their side, tell them the Alliance forces have been taken care of," Kaidan continued, giving Shepard a look back before going back to his search.  
When Shepard said "Good idea. See what you can find," behind him, Kaidan felt a mix of pride and smug joy.  
He hadn't earned the rank of Commander or Major by sitting on his ass for two years.

It didn't take him long to find what he was after thanks to tracking the radio signals with his omnitool, and he quickly called Shepard over to show him his find.

"What've you got," Shepard asked as he quickly joined Kaidan in the room next to the security room, finding the biotic kneeling down by the corpse of what seemed to be a high ranking Cerberus trooper.   
He seemed to have better equipment than the rest anyway, Cerberus didn't' exactly go by rank as far as Kaidan knew.

"He's got a transmitter in his helmet," Kaidan said as he fiddled with the locks to the helmet, trying to get either the mask or the helmet itself off, but Cerberus didn't seem to care much for being practical as much as they did on looks.  
At least that's what he thought until he actually got the mask off.  
"If I can-," he started before pulling away as he took in the horrible sight that had been waiting underneath the protective mask.

"My god," he croaked out, unable to rip his eyes away from the almost corpselike face, the blue, glowing eyes and the blue, glowing lines that ran down over the man's face.  
He had seen them one too many times when fighting the Geth and he would never get over that horrible appearance.  
"He looks like a husk."

"Yeah, not quite," Shepard said, sounding like he was a mix of disgusted and fascinated as he walked over to the dead man to look him over.  
"But they've definitely done something to him."

"And by they, you mean Cerberus? They did this to their own guy?" Kaidan asked, unable to mask the surprise in his voice.  
Then, before he could stop himself, one of the many thoughts and questions that popped up in his mind slipped out. "Is this what they did to you?"

The expression on Shepard's face as well as the disgust in the man's voice was more than enough to tell Kaidan that he could have might as well slapped Shepard across the face.  
"How can you compare me to him?"

Kaidan sighed and, after a moment of hesitation, decided to just... Be clear.   
No beating around the bush. He had been acting suspicious to Shepard every since they had gotten to Mars and he realised that he was being unfair.  
Maybe it was the headache that was getting to him, or the stress, but this moment... having a few minutes alone with his ex-lover, even if this was possibly the worse possible timing in the history of timing... it was needed.  
"Shepard, I don't know what you are," he said plainly as he looked away, not sure if he wanted to look at Shepard while speaking.  
"Or who... not since Cerberus rebuilt you."

Rebuilt... That word just left a bad taste in Kaidan's mouth, like he was talking about Shepard as if he was a machine.  
Then again, wasn't that what he was suspecting Shepard of being? Part machine, part human, possibly under Cerberus' control?  
Heck, he was already spilling his mind, he could might as well come clear about that too.  
"For all I know, you could be their puppet, controlled by the Illusive Man himself," he confessed, his hands fidgeting a little while turning around to face Shepard again, hoping that he wasn't sounding too accusative. He was just asking now.

"That's not fair, Kaidan..." Shepard said, and Kaidan knew that he wasn't being fair.  
He knew that he was asking questions that were probably hard to swallow.

"Don't try to explain it," Kaidan murmured in the end, rubbing his arm over his forehead in an attempt to soothe the pounding against his skull.  
"I don't think I'd understand anyway," he added as the air slowly went out of him. 

It was the truth and he knew it.  
Shepard could explain everything from A to Z until he was blue in the face and Kaidan would probably be at the same place, being just as confused.  
And that wasn't Shepard's fault. That was his own fault.

"I just want to know," he continued as he turned around completely to face Shepard, letting his ex-lover, his ex-friend, his ex... -everything, see just how... vulnerable he was feeling right there and then.  
-is the person I followed to hell and back still in there... somewhere?" 

"They didn't change me, Kaidan," Shepard replied and, with a moment of hesitation, placed his hand on Kaidan's shoulder. The man swallowed some as he looked into the biotic's eyes and for a moment, Kaidan could feel it.  
Shepard was just as scared and insecure as he was.  
"But words won't convince you, will they?" 

"Probably not," Kaidan admitted, earning a chuckle from Shepard.

"I didn't think so," the commander mused, the lips tugging up into a small smile as he squeezed Kaidan's shoulder, then released his grip with a small nudge.  
"You were always stubborn."

That just made Kaidan laugh as he turned around, watching as the Commander reached down to the body behind him and fished out the communicator. "Me?" he asked with a small grin, earning another grin from Shepard.

"Come on," the Commander mused, holding up the communicator for Kaidan to see. "Lets see what Cerberus is up to. Maybe we'll both get some answers."


	33. Black-Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan is out of the picture.

Kaidan wasn't really surprised about the fact that Cerberus had put little to no stock in his and Shepard's trickery.  
Either that or they were just extremely paranoid about the situation, which Kaidan could also understand.  
They had just lost a great number of men to a significantly smaller force.

Either way, they had come to the security station via the tram and had almost immediately opened fire.  
Probably because of the lack of troopers waiting for their arrival, but they had gotten the result they wanted.  
The tram was here, ready for them to hit the Archives.

The trip over would prove just as difficult, but Kaidan wasn't really surprised with that either.  
Not only was the storm picking up even more, but Cerberus had placed a bomb on the tracks, which efficiently hindered their journey as well as sending another tram with more troopers towards them.   
In retrospect, that had been a mistake on Cerberus' part. If Cerberus had stuck to the bomb, the trio would have been stuck out there, wasting valuable time on getting to one side or the other. With the troopers coming in on another tram, Cerberus had served the three of them another chance.

The group of troopers had been easily dealt with and as soon as Shepard shot down the last man standing, the three of them boarded the new tram.  
"They will probably be expecting us," Kaidan said while quickly counting how many clips he had left.  
Only two... He would have to play the rest smartly.

"Well, lets not disappoint," Shepard replied, quickly reloading his own rifle. "Since we seem to be the guests of honour."

"I could do without that honour," Liara murmured wearily, but Kaidan could tell that she was not about to give this up.  
That girl had never been a quitter, that was for damn sure.

The remainder of the trip took seconds at most and soon they were safely docked onto the other platform. That was, the tram stopped without a hitch.  
But just like Kaidan had suspected, there was an entire group of Cerberus troopers waiting for them, giving them a warm welcome as they immediately started firing upon them.

"Just how many are they," Kaidan grunted, trying his best to conserve ammo as he worked on aiming more precisely on the troopers.

"Do you really want to know," Shepard asked, quickly disabling one of the troopers shield with his omnitool.

"Not really," Kaidan confirmed while ignoring the voice of reason at the back of his head, activating his biotics and flinging out a singularity for good measures.  
He supposed he should be grateful for the fact that his amp had a slight cool down on it to prevent him from just unleashing everything he had, but it was never going to actually shut his biotics down.  
That was one of the many perks of having been to BaAT and being a L2. No restrains.  
He had to create those himself.

Again, it was no hard challenge to actually get rid of the troopers, but it cost them valuable minutes.  
Minutes that Cerberus were using to their advantage.

Kaidan had realised early that the troopers weren't necessarily meant to kill them, even if that was Doctor Eva had commanded, but to hinder them.  
Buy them enough time to break into the vault and get the plans for the weapon.

After quickly snatching up a few clips from the downed troopers, the trio headed through the security post and towards a closed door up front.

"It's just in there," Liara murmured, shifting her grip on her gun as she looked at Shepard.

Shepard just nodded and quickly hurried to the side of the door, crouching down.  
Kaidan and Liara followed his example, pressing themselves towards the door so they had cover.  
Shepard looked at them, not saying a word, but the gesture spoke volumes to Kaidan, who nodded back at his Commander.

He was ready.

Shepard nodded back before shifting enough to open the door, letting the large metal panels slide open.  
As soon as they were up, the three of them appeared in the opening, guns lifted and ready.

What they found was what seemingly an empty Archive.  
Empty and silent.

It made the hair at the back of Kaidan's neck stand up.

Without lowering their guns, they slowly moved further into the archive while looking around.  
As they came closer to the middle, Shepard looked towards the Major. "Kaidan."

Kaidan just nodded, knowing what Shepard wanted him to do. Secure the perimeters, see if there was anything, or anyone, hiding.  
Liara was needed by the consoles to get the data and Shepard needed to cover her back, just in case.

They had barely reached the console and gotten their helmets off before a hologram flickered to life behind Shepard, taking the shape of a man that Kaidan had never seen before.  
The look on Shepard's face though showed that the Commander had, and he was not happy to see the person again.

"Shepard."

"Illusive man?" Liara asked after whirling around, her gun lifted towards the hologram.  
"Now we know why Cerberus is here."

"You don't know the half of it," the man in the hologram said in a calm voice, lifting a cigarette to his lips. "The Protheans left us these archives, a wealth of information, and it's been squandered."

"What do you want," Shepard said, having an impatient look on his face.  
The last time Kaidan had seen that look on the Commander's face was the last time they had seen the council together.

The Illusive Man didn't answer. Instead, he looked up towards the large beacon that was standing behind them, illuminated in the middle of the room.  
"What I've always wanted," he finally said, as if the answer was obvious.  
Maybe it was to Shepard, Kaidan honestly didn't know.

"The data in these artifacts holds the key to solving the Reaper threat."

"I've seen your solution," Shepard barked, taking a step towards the hologram. "Your people are turned into monsters."

"Hardly," the hologram answered, as if they were talking about a cake-recipe that he had ruined. "They're being improved."

"Improved?"

"That's what separates us, Shepard," the Illusive Man replied, gesturing towards Shepard. "Were you see a means to destroy, I see a way to control, to dominate and harness the Reaper's powers."  
The cigarette was brought to the man's lips again before a holographic cloud of smoke was blown out from between the man's lips.  
"Imagine how strong humanity would be if we controlled them."

"You've gone too far," Shepard interrupted, gesturing towards the hologram. "The Reapers will kill us all if we don't stop fighting one another!"

"I don't expect you to understand, Shepard," the Illusive Man replied in a calm voice, looking directly onto Shepard. Challenging him.  
"And I am certainly not looking for your approval."  
A holographic hand pointed towards the Commander, the smoking cigarette still locked securely between two fingers.  
"I needed your help once, just as you needed mine."

Kaidan frowned a little as the Illusive Man seemed to look behind himself for a moment, then inhaled sharply at the man's next words.  
"But just like the rest of the relics in this place, your time is over."

"Enough talk. Liara," Shepard said, looking towards the Asari.

Liara just nodded and hurried back towards the console, quickly working the keyboard as she searched for the plans.

"Don't interfere with my plans, Shepard," the Illusive Man warned, eyes back on Shepard.  
"I won't warn you again."

"Duly noted," Shepard said dryly, giving the Illusive Man a look that clearly said that the conversation was over.

"Shepard," Liara called out as she stared at the computer-screen in disbelief, lips slightly parted.

"What?" Shepard quickly turned around, missing the smirk that played on the Illusive Man's lips moments before the hologram turned itself off as the man on the other side broke the connection.

"The data. It's not here."

Shepard hurried over to the panel and together with Liara he watched the destruction of the one spark of hope they had.

"It's being erased," Liara cried out as she frantically started typing, trying to stop the progress before it was too late.

"Damn it," Shepard growled, starting to work the keyboard along side with Liara as he tried to find a way to block the progress as well.  
"How's he doing it?"

"It's local," Liara said, eyes on the keyboard as she worked.  
"Someone is uploading the information."

Kaidan was barely within hearing range of both Liara and Shepard as he continued to scout out the area, having been taken a bit aback by the sudden appearance of the Illusive Man to really do anything.  
That's when he heard it.

The faint sound of typing.

Frowning, he silently moved towards one of the three information-boots, rifle lifted up.  
That's when he saw her.  
The woman from the vids.

The inside man, or woman, as it were.

"Hey," he barked, pointing the rifle directly at her. "Step away from the console."

The woman stopped the typing and straightened up slightly, but she didn't move away.

"Now," Kaidan warned, eyes locked on her as he tried to evaluate her moves.  
The woman had been ruthless, clever, as far as Kaidan could tell by her actions so far so he didn't want to risk being thrown over by her.

When the woman still didn't move, Kaidan took a step towards her, reaching out to grab her by the arm.  
That's when the trap was sprung on him.

While he was more than aware of just how strong a woman could be, Ashley had wiped the floor with him more than once in close combat when they were training together on the Normandy, this woman hit and kicked like a truck.  
When her foot connected with his chest, Kaidan could feel how his armour vibrated from the impact before he was sent almost flying onto his back, landing with a grunt.

"She's got the data," he called out as he quickly got himself back onto his feet and set off after her, the culprit having taken full advantages of Kaidan flailing around so she could escape.  
Shit, the woman was fast!

Shepard and Liara was instantly after her as well, with Shepard taking the lead out of the two.  
"Stay close," he yelled as he ran, trying to shoot a couple of times after the woman, but soon he gave that up. The woman was simply too fast, too irregular with her movements.  
"We can't lose her!"

That was easier said than done, as Doctor Eva would prove.  
Not only was she fast, but she seemingly had some very interesting equipment as well, boosting not only her speed, but her ability to jump as well.

Kaidan and Liara feebly tried to slow her down with the use of their biotics, but for some reason, she seemed to be able to avoid their attacks.  
Heck, by the sound of it, she even had the time to turn around and shoot at Shepard, since he was the one closest to her.

When the case lead them towards one of the many exits towards the outside, Kaidan let out a small curse.  
Chasing her in the middle of a storm could be bad, not to mention that she would have more places to hide or get away.

Shepard was nothing if not persistent though, giving her little to no real opportunity to slip away, even with her attacking them from time to time.  
Still, the storm ruined every bit of communication between them and the ship as well as them and James, something that was more than clear from Shepard's feeble attempts at making contact.  
The fact that there also was a shuttle flying around outside, providing more firepower to aid Doctor Eva just made the chase all the more harder. The storm was a positive thing in that regards though, preventing them from actually landing and picking the woman up.

At least that's what Kaidan thought before he climbed up yet another flight of stairs, only to watch as the shuttle came flying around them and land in front of Doctor Eva, said doctor leaping through the opening before looking at the trio as they gathered with a downright cold look.

"Damn it," Shepard cursed as he looked around. "James? Normandy? Anybody?"

Kaidan quickly ran up to Shepard, not really sure what to say, when he saw something in between the red clouds.  
Something small that was quickly becoming bigger and bigger as it came towards them.  
Something fast.

"... Shepard," he started before the shuttle they had left in James' care rammed itself into the shuttle Eva had escaped in, sending it spiralling out of control.

"Move," Shepard yelled as the shuttle quickly crashed down towards the platform they were on, jumping to get out of the way.

Kaidan didn't need to be told twice, quickly jumping out of the way, turning to land on his back just in time to see as the shuttle swooped over him and crashed a few feet away from him. He rolled out of the way as debris came flying in all direction when the shuttle scraped over the hard, metal surface before it came to a complete stop.  
It had already caught fire from the impact.

Turning back to his stomach, Kaidan slowly pushed himself up, feeling the adrenaline pumping through his body from the initial shock.  
He could see Shepard approach him from the corner of his eye, hand reached out to help, but he lifted his own hand and shook his head. He was okay.  
His head was hurting and he felt ready to throw up, but he was okay.

Liara seemed a little worse off, having been closer to the crash-site, so as soon as Kaidan was on his feet, he moved towards her, picking up his gun at the same time. You just never knew what could happen...

"You okay," he croaked out, hoping he didn't sound as pathetic as he felt as he reached his hand towards Liara.

Liara just nodded as she took the helping hand, dragging her self onto her feet.  
"Thank you," she whispered while Kaidan wrapped his arm around her waist, carefully easing her own arm over and around his shoulder so he could properly support her.

"Don't mention it," he murmured before looking up as James landed the shuttle firmly onto the platform.  
Seemed like the Alliance shuttle was more or less fine, except from a few dents and scrapes in the paintjob.  
Then again, the Alliance shuttles were built to take a beating, which probably beat the shuttle Cerberus had flown around with by a mile.

"Normandy's en route," James said as the larger man came jumping out of the shuttle, the pride auditable in his voice.  
"They'll be here soon."

"We need the data," Liara managed to grunt out, still a little out of it from the experience.

"It's not going anywhere after that," Kaidan replied as he continued to guide Liara towards their own shuttle, only stop when he heard a strange banging noise.

Coming from behind them.

Frowning, Kaidan turned around and glanced towards the shuttle.   
Surely nobody had survived that impact, especially not Doctor Eva. She hadn't worn any protective gear and a shield could only do so much.

At least that's what he thought before the door to the shuttle suddenly flew off its hinges and a downright terrifying image appeared in front of him.  
It was Doctor Eva except... It was not. It was a robot. A robot blackened by the flames and heat, standing in the midst of the wreck, surrounded by smoke and flames.

"Move," Kaidan whispered as he nudged Liara away, quickly whipping out his gun as he placed himself in front of her.  
He had no idea what he could do against her, but he had to do something and if they could get that data, then they needed Liara to survive to translate it.

Besides, Liara was Kaidan's friend, even if they hadn't talked properly for a long, long time.  
He would not let that robot get her.

The robot didn't seemed to care either way as she suddenly charged towards Kaidan, leaving him no option but to fire at her.  
He tried to activate his biotics, but his head or amp, possibly both, had decided to call it a night. Just trying to will anything up made his head pound so hard that Kaidan was surprised that he was still standing.  
As he fired at her, he realised a little too late that he was simply no match. He was too tired. The metallic sound of the bullets hitting "her" metal body made his ear ring and he could do nothing else but flail as the robot grabbed him by the damn helmet and lifted him off the ground like he was nothing more but a sack of potatoes.  
Everything was happening so damn fast, leaving him with little to no time to think. Gritting his teeth, he grabbed at her arm, trying to feel around for a weak-spot. That damn crash had to have done something to her!  
He tried to kick out, he tried to wiggle out of the grasp, he even tried to use the armours shield to his advantage, but nothing seemed to phase her. 

"Kaidan!"

He couldn't see anything, thanks to the damn robot holding him like he was a doll, but he could hear Shepard behind him.

Shepard was coming for him.

"Let him go," the Commander said firmly, but the robot seemed more... Curious, than anything else.

The blue visor over her eyes flickered for a moment as she brought a hand to her ear.  
"Orders?"

Whatever the answer to that question was became evident a little too soon as the visor turned a harsh shade of orange and she turned them both around.  
Kaidan made one last attempt to summon up enough energy to create a biotic discharge as he was lifted up further, but whatever concentration he had was quickly broken as she slammed him hard into the side of the shuttle, head first.

One time.

Two times.

When his head banged against the back of his helmet a third time, Kaidan let out a whimper as his eyes rolled back into his skull.  
Black dots danced in front of his eyes before he finally surrendered to unconsciousness, his last thoughts being _'Shepard... I'm so sorry...'_ before the world turned black around him.


	34. A New Beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan wakes up and meets an old friend of Shepard's.  
> And scary nurses.

The light was stinging his eyes as Kaidan tried to open his eyes, still feeling pretty much out of it from the heavy doses of pain medication and sleeping pills.  
He had no real awareness of just how much time had passed, not what had been going on. He could faintly remember brief, very brief, periods of consciousness, but if they had happened a minute ago, an hour or even a day ago, he did not know.

All he knew that he was in a bed, facing a set of large panorama windows, giving him a beautiful view of the Citadel and the green areas below.  
"... Good God, I have died and gone to heaven," he croaked out, then winced slightly as his head started throbbing ever so slightly.  
Everything hurt, even breathing.

He was halfway aware of some sort of... Insistent beeping coming from somewhere in the room, but he really did not have the energy to find out exactly what it was.  
That and he was... Cold. Not unpleasantly so because he also felt warm, but it was strange. How could he feel cold..?

"Ah, Major Alenko. You are awake."

Kaidan jerked slightly at the sound of the unfamiliar voice, even turning his head around fast to see who the intruder was.  
Too fast as he was suddenly overcome with nausea, his body heaving.

The person, a man Kaidan had noted, was quick to reach and hurried over to the bedside, holding out a bedpan for Kaidan to throw up in.

"Easy does it, Major," the man said as Kaidan slumped back into the bed after finishing with his disposal of whatever had been in his stomach. It hadn't felt like much, but that didn't make it any less unpleasant.  
"You have a pretty nasty concussion. Should lay off the quick movements." The man smiled gently before offering Kaidan a glass of water, complete with a straw for easy consumption.

"Duly noted," Kaidan croaked out before accepting the straw, slowly drinking some of the water.

The doctor let him drink in silence, only murmuring soft words to "take it easy, there is more where that came from" before removing the cup once the water was gone.  
"How do you feel, Major?"

"Like I've been run over by a ship," Kaidan responded honestly, wanting to place a hand on his forehead, but lacking the strength to even make his fingers move properly.  
"... I... I am not sure... What happened."

"It will come back to you," the doctor said as he started reading off the monitors in the room, noting down the numbers onto a compad.  
"As I said, you have a concussion and you are only now waking up properly for the first time since you got here. I'll be happy to inform you of the events, but I would recommend that you rest properly first."

"I want to know," Kaidan said hoarsely, but still managed to have a level of... insisting in the tone of his voice.  
"Please."

"Later," the doctor promised as he turned his attention to the Major, giving him an apologetic smile.  
"The more rest you get right now, the better it is for you. I will alert the Commander that you are awake in the meantime."

"Wait," Kaidan said quickly, sitting up on his bed before falling back onto his pillow with a groan as a wave of nausea suddenly washed over him.  
That hadn't been the best idea he'd had today...  
"The... The C-commander..." he started saying before swallowing heavily, trying to settle the nausea the best he could. At least until the doctor could return with the bedpan.

The doctor seemed to have noticed Kaidan's predicament and quickly came back to the bed, bedpan at hand.  
"Yes, the Commander of the Normandy. He has been a frequent visitor of you while you have been unconscious. Made sure that you got the best treatment that we could provide in this time of difficulty. While she was still stationed here, Doctor Chakwas was also frequently tending to you as she seemed to know you and your medical history quite well. I believe you have served with them both?"

Kaidan nodded slowly before quickly turning his head and heaving, tasting the bile in his mouth as nothing was brought up. He had already disposed of everything earlier.

"That's what they both had said. The Commander was quite insistent on getting updates on your status so the fact that he is awake will make him pleased."

The major looked more dazed than anything else at the revelation of these news.  
Shepard... Had visited him? Despite everything that was going on?  
Heck, the world was about to end and Shepard still took his time to check on his well-being? Was he crazy?  
He didn't even protest as the doctor nudged him up ever so slightly so he could adjust his pillow.

"I will have someone come in to clean you up, Major. It's only fair that you are warned now that you are conscious," the doctor mused, trying to lighten the mood some, but it only resulted in Kaidan finally noticing that it was a little... Cold in the room.  
He looked downwards as slowly, and carefully as he could, only to be greeted by an eyeful of bruised flesh.

"... Why am I not wearing a hospital-gown..?"

"In all honesty," the doctor started and he actually looked rather sheepish while saying it.  
"... We ran out. We are having a lot of people here and it was decided that the gowns would be used more sparingly. Women, children, the sorts. Your body only had scrapes and bruises so there was no risk in leaving any wounds unprotected."

"... I see."

"If you want one, of course, we can see if we can find one for you, Major," the doctor said quickly, but Kaidan shook his head.

"No, no, don't think about it. You are right, I don't really need one. Modesty isn't exactly something I need to worry about since I seem to have my own room."

"Yes, another thing that the Commander insisted on."

"... He did that too?"

"Yes, he did," the doctor said while bringing the second bed-pan to the first one so he could bring them both out to be emptied and cleaned.  
"As said, he has been quite active in your treatment, making sure that you got the best we could offer."

"I... I see..."  
Kaidan scratched his belly absentmindedly before looking towards the doctor.  
"... Doctor, if it is okay, I... I would like to notify the Commander myself. If I can borrow a compad that is."

The doctor hesitated before nodding his head.  
"Yes, I think that would be fine, but only long enough to send a message or two. We don't want to stress your eyes or head."

"That is fine."

"I will bring you one later this evening then, after you have rested some more," the doctor promised.  
"A nurse will come in with more water and painkillers for you in an hour or so. Try to get as much rest as you can, okay?"

"I can do that," Kaidan said, giving the doctor a small, grateful smile.  
"Thank you, doctor..?"

"Sebastian. Sebastian Dowell."

"Thank you, doctor Dowell. It is much appreciated."

The doctor merely smiled and nodded his head.  
"The pleasure was all mine," he replied before leaving the room, letting Kaidan have some privacy to actually get his thoughts in order.

Shifting some on the hard bed, Kaidan made himself comfortable without making himself nauseas in the process before turning his head so he could take in the view.  
So Shepard was the one that had taken care of his stay here... He wondered if a "room with a view" was standard at the hospital, but then again... He wasn't even sure which clinic he was in.  
He hadn't seen any badges on the doctor's jacket that revealed exactly where he was, and while the window gave him a beautiful view of the Citadel's greener areas as well as the many structures, that really didn't tell him anything.

Still, he was comfortable and he was alive. 

Closing his eyes, Kaidan tried to calm down the raging beast that was currently creating havoc in his head enough for him to actually remember what the heck had happened.   
The very last clear memory he had was Mars... Him and Shepard talking. That woman... Eva... He had chased her. They all had. Then a shuttle had crashed into her shuttle. There had been a crash. Fire.  
Kaidan wrinkled his nose some as his head started throbbing slightly. It turned a bit fuzzy after that, but he trusted what the doctor had said that rest and relaxation would help on that. He just had to try not to push himself.  
Which was easer said that done, and he knew it damn well, but hey. He owed it to the doctors to try.  
He owed it to Shepard to try.

Just like the doctor had said, the nurse came to his room about two hours later and Kaidan had no chance to even start protesting before the nurse "attacked".  
He could only lay there as the nurse fussed over him, looking over the small bruises and cuts as well as very gently nudging Kaidan's head up enough for her to check his amps.

"I trust that you were told to lay of your biotics for a while," she asked in a strict voice while pouring Kaidan a glass with water, in which Kaidan just nodded his head weakly.  
Like hell that he was going to protest on what she was saying.

"Good, good. Doctor Dowell will come back in a few hours to discuss a treatment plan for you, and there is a doctor here, doctor Lavic T'olv, who wishes to discuss a plan for you when it comes to your implants and medical history in relation to your biotics."

"I suppose I have no say in this matter?"

"None what so ever, Major. You may be an expert in your field, but while you are at the Huerta Memorial Hospital, your rank means little to me."

"... Duly noted," Kaidan said, clearing his throat some.  
Still, he found that he liked this nurse. She had spunk.  
"Do I get a say in my treatments? I know I am concussed and have a biotic overload in relation to my implants, but I am sure something can be discussed when thinking about what is currently going on in the galaxy."

"You might have some medical practice, Major, but you can try to be cute with Dowell or T'olv on their watch. Your medical situation is more important to me than your medical prowess and history."

"You cannot blame a man for trying."

"At least you admit it, Major. For that, I will try to spare you the unpleasant feeling of having to urinate into a bedpan."

"... That would be appreciated, nurse..?"

"Harrison. Catherine Harrison."

"Nurse Harrison. Thank you."

Nurse Harrison merely smiled before offering Kaidan the straw from the glass, letting him drink.  
"Just let me know if you need to use the facilities now, or ring the buzzer by your bed if you need assistance later. For now, until you are able to move without throwing up, assistance will be needed to bring you from A to B."

"Will do."

"I think if we can learn to co-operate with one another, Major, then we will get along just famously."

"I've been in the hospital my fair share of times, nurse Harrison. I know when to be a good soldier."

"I am glad to hear it."

She took another ten minutes to check Kaidan over, reading off his vital-signs, taking his temperature and finally helping him to use the bathroom for the first time since he woke up. She even helped him clean up some, but she could do little to actually cover the bruises that were covering Kaidan's face.  
When he asked where they had come from, the nurse said that the helmet had been squeezed so hard that the metal had cracked and bent, scraping and pressing against his skin and skull so hard that it had left the bruises. Upon hearing that, Kaidan was glad that he had been unconscious for the duration of the ordeal.

When she had done what she could for him, nurse Harrison helped Kaidan back into the bed, making sure he was comfortable before letting him rest in peace, promising that she would send doctor Dowell a book for him to read.

Kaidan hadn't been awake for long, but he was already feeling drained by the time he was alone, feeling the small amount of remaining energy quickly leaving his body.  
The "light" on the Citadel was starting to dim, creating a false sense of dusk, but it was enough to make Kaidan feel drowsy, and despite his best efforts he was soon back to sleep, his mind spinning from forgotten thoughts and hazy memories.

***

When Kaidan started waking up after god knew how long a nap, he proceeded to almost fall out of the bed by the sight of a unfamiliar character by his bed.  
The reaction hadn't been pleasant, the sudden jerk and shift making his head throb along with his body, making him groan.

"My apologies," a unfamiliar and raspy voice said, putting down a compad down onto the floor, getting up to help Kaidan get comfortable again.  
"I did not mean to frighten you. The doctor said that they expected you to wake up soon and I wanted to see how you were doing."

"Who are you," Kaidan groaned, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment, trying to calm his head down before finally opening them, taking in the stranger that was tending to him.  
The man's skin was a mix of shades of green and slight silver and black scales, with surprisingly warm, black eyes. He was dressed in a long green and black coat, and when his hands touched Kaidan's shoulder by accident, he could feel the cold, scaly skin against his own warm one.  
A drell. He had actually never spoken to one before.

"My name is Thane," the drell said, offering him a slight smile. "Thane Krios. I am a friend of Commander John Shepard."

"You are?"

Thane nodded and sat down onto the small chair next to Kaidan's bed.  
"Yes. We fought the collectors together," he said, gesturing to the glass of water next to Kaidan's bed. Kaidan shook his head some.  
"I suppose he didn't have the chance to tell you much about his exploits while doing so. He was kept quite busy by the Collectors and Cerberus alike, trying to keep both sides in check, so to speak. But when we had the chance to speak, he spoke of you. Quite fondly."

"He did?"

"Oh yes. Especially after what happened at Horizon. He was angry, but mostly at himself and Cerberus. A feeling I could somewhat relate to."  
Thane offered Kaidan another small smile.  
"Though if he hasn't already spoken to you about this, then I suppose it is not really my place to speak on his behalf."

"No, it's... It's fine," Kaidan said, offering Thane a small smile back.  
"We... We have spoken a little, but not much. Definitely not much about... That time."

"Then I apologize, I should not have been so free about what to say and what not to say. But the Commander was quite worried about you when visiting you and when we spoke, I made a promise to him to keep an eye on you as well."

"That so?"

Thane nodded. "Yes. A friend of the Commander is a friend of mine, and I have been curious about the man who could bring out so many feelings from a man that seemed larger than life."

"Seems like Shepard's reputation just continues to grow, I suppose," Kaidan said with a slight smile.

"A reputation he has earned," Thane replied with a small smile back.

"Yeah, he has," Kaidan agreed silently.  
"So... Shepard asked you to keep your eyes on me?"

"Yes," Thane replied, like it was obvious that Shepard had done that.  
"I contacted him when I knew he was on the Citadel, he is a hard man to get a hold off, and we spoke when he had come to meet you. He knew that his work would likely bring him off the Citadel for longer periods of time, but during the time he was here, he was in the memorial centre every day."  
Thane's lips tugged into a small smile. "It was bordering on embarrassing at one point, when the doctors had to remove him almost by force. Spectre-status does not mean a lot to them."

That revelation made Kaidan chuckle. "I... Somehow can see Shepard do that. He was always stubborn."

"Indeed," Thane agreed.  
"The day before he had to leave for his mission, he asked me to keep an eye on you and let him know that you have awakened, should you awaken before he returned to the Citadel. But I also know you wished to do it yourself."

"... You do?"

"Yes." The drell gestured to the compad resting on Kaidan's nightstand.  
"Your doctor came into your room while you slept. I was already sitting here, reading. He asked me to let you know that you had free access to the compad for the day. I put two and two together."

"You are a smart man, Thane."

"I had to be, in my previous line of work."

"What were you? A C-Sec officer?"

"I was an assassin."

... Oh."

Thane's lips tugged into that same, small smile. "An unusual profession, I know, but for Drell it is quite common."

"I heard rumours about that," Kaidan replied, reaching for the water-glass as his mouth started to feel a bit dry.  
"But I have never really trusted rumours because you never know what they are worth."

"A wise decision," Thane agreed, nodding his head a little before looking at the watch on his omnitool.  
"You will have to forgive me, Major Alenko. I have already been here a few hours, and while I have enjoyed our conversations, I must be going. I have my own doctor's appointment to get to."  
The drell looked towards the Major. "Is there anything else I can do for you before I go?"

"I think I am good," Kaidan said, giving Thane a friendly smile of his own.  
"And you are welcome to stop by anytime you want. I've enjoyed this and I will admit, I have a few questions of my own that I would like to ask."

"I will be honoured to answer them if I am able to." Thane reached towards the compad on the nightstand and offered it to Kaidan, who took it with a grateful nod of his head.  
"Then have a good day, Major. I will stop by again as soon as I can."

"I will look forward to it."

"As will I. It has been a while since I was able to have a proper conversation that didn't involve something medical."

"I hear you. You have a good day now, Thane."

"Same to you, Major."  
With that, the drell collected his things and left Kaidan's room, giving the biotic one last nod with his head before slipping outside.  
Kaidan fingered a little with the compad while digesting what had just happened.  
He had never expected to be approached by any of the people that Shepard had spent time with after his resurrection, let alone that Shepard had talked about him to them.  
Still, it felt nice to know that Shepard, despite their spat on Horizon, had been speaking fondly of him. It certainly left him with things to think about and by the sounds of it, he would have nothing but time to think about things.  
He'd just have to use it wisely.

For now though, he had something more important to do.  
He had to let Shepard know that he was alive, awake and well. After that... Well. He would just have to take it from there.

He had already started typing on the compad when the door to his room slid open again, making him look up mid-sentence.  
"... Councillor Udina?"

Udina nodded, looking ever as tight and serious as Kaidan remembered him.  
He guessed some things just didn't change.

"What can I do for you?"

"It is more a question of what I can do for you, Major," Udina said, stepping into the room and over to Kaidan's bed.  
"I am glad to see that you are doing well. The doctors are telling me that since you woke up, you are already showing signs of improvement, despite having only been awake for a day."

"I am just eager to get back to the action," Kaidan said with a small smile, putting the compad down next to his hip on the bed.  
"And I can't get much done being in bed."

"Very true, Major," Udina said and Kaidan could have sworn that there was an attempt of a smile on his lips.  
"In fact, that is one of the things I wish to talk to you about?"

"Yes, sir?"

"Major, how do you feel about becoming the second human spectre?"


	35. Squaring Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the very, very late update of this fic, I've just been having a somewhat rough time as of late.  
> I am slowly getting back into the thick of things and I hope that this chapter will make up for my absence!

If there was anything Udina was good at, it was leaving you feel dazed and with a feeling of "what the hell just happened now?" whirling around in your head.  
He was ever the perfect politician, leaving you just interested and curious enough to want more without actually saying or promising anything.

Or in this instance, promising you everything.  
It wasn't everyday you were offered the position of the second human Spectre after all.

Kaidan wasn't entirely sure just why he had gotten the offer in the first place.  
He hadn't done anything remarkable except actually surviving the attack in Vancouver, but if that is all it took, then everyone deserved that title.  
In Kaidan's mind, they did anyway. Far braver men and women than him were still on earth, fighting a battle for their lives while he was still on the Citadel, stuck to the bed because the doctors insisted on him staying.  
He was well aware of what he had done in the past and while he had good records, he wasn't about to toot his own horn. His merits' were the merits of an alliance marine. Nothing special. Just him doing his duty.

Still, he had written Shepard about it. How could he not?  
Shepard knew better than anyone what being a Spectre entailed and while Kaidan had followed him around and watched what he could do with such a title, he was still an onlooker.  
He wanted the advice of someone who knew the score and of someone who knew him and how he was on the battlefield. While they hadn't been on the greatest of terms, he liked to believe that their brief conversation on Mars had done something to open the window of actually healing between them, and if what Thane had said was true...

It hadn't been an easy message to write.   
It had taken a lot of false starts and deleting of half-written sentences, consideration, formulating... It was like writing a sensitive report, wanting to share everything and yet not wanting to jump to conclusions.

In the end he had ended up with a message that Kaidan hoped sounded somewhat neutral, yet welcoming. Telling that he was awake and ready for visitors, indicating that he wanted to see Shepard, sharing the latest news and expressing that he would like his advice on the matter.

That had been a week ago.

He hadn't received an answer yet, but this time he wasn't worried about the lack of a response. He knew Shepard was busy, that communication was difficult thanks to the Reapers.

Still, Kaidan would have loved to know just where Shepard was so he could try to keep track on what was going on at his end of the universe, but the hospital made that difficult. He wasn't allowed much use of a compad in fear that he would actually have the gall to -work- and talking to his higher ups was downright impossible as the hospital couldn't offer a secure line.

It was weird though, when Kaidan thought about his situation when it came to Shepard.   
Just a week or so ago, he had been so angry and hurt. Unable to really trust his old friend and lover, but now...  
While at the hospital, chained to the bed, Kaidan had had a lot of time to think. Probably too much, but it had been needed. Things had been so crazy lately, so out of control and as he was laying there, he realised that he hadn't really taken a moment to truly breathe or think in over two years.  
When Shepard had died, he had drowned himself in work so he didn't have to think about Shepard's death or feel the hole he had left behind.  
Then Horizon had happened, then the Collectors, then the trial and now this... Things had been, for a lack of a better word; crazy.

Now Kaidan was at the hospital and thanks to the doctors who were overseeing him, he had nothing else to do but read, watch TV or think.  
Think and digest what had really happened. And the more he was thinking, the more he realised just how little he had actually thought about things. He had soaked up information, yes, but he had never had the chance to actually sit down and reflect upon things. He had merely stewed it into the back of his mind to deal with it later, but then he never had. So it had remained there, growing, festering and almost growing into one another until he couldn't really tear the information apart from his own thoughts and feelings.   
Information bound with feelings of hurt, longing and anger.  
Thanks to Thane as well as the memories of that all too brief conversation with John at Mars, he was slowly picking the cluster apart and he realised very quickly just how much of an ass he had really been.  
Sure, he felt that some of his reactions and feelings were justified, but Kaidan wasn't an idiot. He knew he had over-reacted, been unwilling to listen. The fault was split, but Kaidan was ready to take a good chunk of that blame onto his plate. He knew he had been at fault and had turned a deaf ear. If he had given Shepard a chance at Horizon, things could have been different.  
And after that... It was clear that they had both been too stubborn, possibly too hurt to try something resembling communication before it was too late.

He wanted to clear that up now. Both he and Shepard deserved that peace of mind.  
He wasn't sure if they would go back to what they had had, if that was even possible, but if they could at least become friends again... Kaidan could live with that.  
He certainly hoped he could at least.

Rubbing the stiffness out of his neck, Kaidan shifted on the bed so he could get a better angle of the holo-TV, wanting to catch the latest of news about the situation that was going on.  
It was more than a little annoying, being stuck in bed the way he was. He knew it was for his own good, but damn it, he was feeling better. He felt fit for duty, ready to take on the situation.  
The latest news he knew with clarity was that Palaven was being overrun by the Reapers as well, but that the Turians were giving them hell.   
Still, it was a loosing battle as they simply did not have the numbers or strength to actually drive the Reapers back, but they were giving them pause.

A small knock on his door made him turn his head, smiling some when he saw that the Drell was standing on the outside.  
"Hey there, Thane. Come on in."

"Thank you," Thane replied, giving Kaidan a small nod with his head.  
"I see that the fight on Palaven is still going strong?"

"They are managing to hold their ground, but they cannot keep the battle up for long," Kaidan replied, shifting on his bed as he looked up on the screen.  
"I hear there's negotiations going on in relation to this, but there's panic going on everywhere." He sighed softly and rubbed his forehead.  
"I wish I was out there."

"Right now, your spot is here," Thane replied, walking over to the bed, but not sitting down.  
"You need rest in order to get better. Everyone is needed at their full strength. Currently, you are not."

"So the doctors tell me," Kaidan replied with a small smile.

"And they are right," Thane said before offering the Major a small smile.  
"How are you feeling otherwise?"

"Good, all things considered," Kaidan murmured, shifting a little.  
"Though I do wish they would at least let me get out of bed from time to time. I don't need my biotics to walk."

"I think they are more worried about the concussion that came with the rest of your wounds, but I see your point. If you want, I can try to speak to the doctors," Thane offered.   
"I have free access to the training rooms here so I could accompany you and make sure that nothing happened."

"Nice of you, Thane, but you don't need to be concerned about me," Kaidan chuckled, though he honestly was touched by Thane's consideration, even if a part of him was aware that Thane was probably doing this for Shepard.  
That too made him feel a bit giddy on the inside. Giddy and embarrassed.

"I will try not to," Thane mused as he sat down at the chair next to Kaidan's bed.  
"Have you heard anything from Shepard?" he asked as his eyes returned to the screen, probably to save Kaidan the embarrassment of seeing the Major blush.

"Not since I let him know I was awake and alive," Kaidan replied, placing a hand behind his head as he tried to get comfortable.

"Communication is hard these days," Thane murmured before bringing his hand to his mouth as he let out a couple of raspy coughs. "With so many satellites and signals disrupted, it is almost amazing that anything gets through."

"Everything goes as long as you don't mind waiting for an answer," Kaidan added, smiling some.  
"And if you know the right channels, of course."

Thane let out a chuckle, offering the Major a smile. "Of course. There is that. So far my own attempts at communication has been fruitless and I have tried three different channels."

"Three?"

"Yes," Thane nodded. "There was the channel Cerberus gave him, which I used out of habit, but I should have expected that it was down. It wasn't like Shepard used it much to begin with when he discovered that Cerberus was tapping into his private communications. I have also tried his private channel as well as his Alliance channel, but I've had no luck there."

"Then we have tried the same channels, I think," Kaidan murmured.  
"Though the Alliance channel might be down as well, considering Shepard was thought dead and I am not sure they brought it up with all rights and connections before all this happened."

"Very true, but it was worth a try," Thane agreed.

"It was. As far as I know, his private channel should be up, but unless you have tried the Normandy channel," Kaidan offered, searching Thane's face for an answer.  
The small chuckle from the Drell told the biotic that Thane had not considered that option.

"You know, that should have been an obvious attempt, but after the Alliance took over the Normandy, I believed it to be dry-docked. Though I assume the channels belonging to the ship while under Cerberus colours have been removed and replaced."

"You'd be correct," Kaidan confirmed. "I only knew the links because I used them before I ended up here. You can have them if you want."

"That would be appreciated. While I am not fit to fight myself, I would like to offer whatever support I can while here. Which might not be much," Thane murmured, trailing off as he looked down at his hands.  
"Black metal gleaming under the soot and dirt. A last silent plea to the crew to get away while the chance was there. Blue eyes steeling themselves for facing the inevitable, he had know. He had always know it would come to this. But he is willing to go so others wouldn't. One last good bye before the door slides shut and the ship continues to it's final destination. The Collectors are dealt with, now he has to face the consequences."  
Thane touched his forehead gently as he seemed to snap out of his flashback, but Kaidan didn't comment. He had seen Thane do it once before, during one of their first, proper conversations and now that he knew that this was a Drell thing, it didn't freak him out as much.  
Still, it was a pretty special event to see.

"I am sorry, Major," Thane apologizes softly, giving Kaidan a small smile.

"Don't be. I take it that was the last time you saw Shepard?" Kaidan concluded, looking up at the Drell.

"Yes. That was when he let us all of at Omega, so we would not get into trouble. He was not willing to let us all get punished for what he had done. I watched as he waited for the Alliance there. It was-."   
Thane trailed off as he struggled with finding the proper words. -"sad to watch," he finally concluded. "To see a man who had given so much, taken away in cuffs. But it was inevitable."

Kaidan nodded, not sure what he could say to that.   
He knew the story, that the Batarians had wanted Shepard's head on a plate for what he had done. The Alliance had to do something to avoid a full-out battle between humanity and Batarians, even if it meant that Shepard had to be locked away.

"You seem thoughtful," Thane commented, studying Kaidan with an intense look.  
"Is everything okay?"

Kaidan's lip tugged up into a small smile. "Yeah, I am good," he murmured. "I'm sorry, I just-." He shrugged some. "I got a lot of things to think about, I suppose."

"At least you have the time to think about it," Thane said, offering Kaidan a friendly smile before looking over his shoulder as the door slid open, watching as councillor Udina stepped into the room.

"My apologizes," the councillor stated as he saw the Drell, but he hardly looked like he meant it.  
"I did not know you had company, Alenko."

"You did not disturb us," Thane said quickly before Kaidan had the chance to say anything. "I was about to leave the Major to his thoughts." The Drell glanced at the human councillor before nodding at Kaidan, raising up from his chair.  
"I will see you later, Major. Rest well."

"Thank you, Thane," Kaidan replied, offering Thane a grateful smile as the Drell turned to leave the room, not offering any further comments to the human councillor.  
He could hardly blame Thane from downright fleeing from the room, Udina wasn't exactly a ray of sunshine.

Udina merely glanced after the Drell himself before turning all of his attention to Kaidan.  
"You look well, Major. I see that the hospital is using it's resources well."

"I suppose, Councillor," Kaidan remarked, biting back a remark about wasting resources on someone who didn't need it. After all, it was only medical red tape that was holding him back.

"It is good," Udina continued as he walked over to Kaidan's bed, hands behind his back. "We need every soldier that we can get back onto the field, especially soldiers such as you. Tough, strong, with a good head on their shoulders. Someone who knows the right things to do."  
The councillor lifted an eyebrow as he saw Kaidan squirm a little on the bed.  
"Do you need anything, Major? Are you comfortable?"

"Everything is fine, Sir," Kaidan said, glad that Udina had mistook his discomfort for physical discomfort, not mental embarrassment.  
"Just an itch."

Udina nodded, seemingly satisfied with the answer as he glanced towards the TV-screen.  
"It is terrible," he commented. "How quickly everything turned into chaos."

"It is," Kaidan agreed, placing his hands on top of his stomach, trying to make himself as comfortable as he could get.

"It is clear that we need men like you, now more than ever. With people such as Shepard running about, with the danger of going rogue." Udina trailed off, shaking his head some.  
"Such a disappointment, but to be expected."

Kaidan didn't answer, frowning a little as he turned his head to look out the window. He wanted to argue, but he knew he was in no position to do so. Besides, the only thing he would gain from it was a head-ache and very little satisfaction. Heck, he didn't even fear that Udina would retract the Spectre-offer. It was a decision made by the entirety of the Council after all, not a single Council-member.

"-with men such as you, we have a chance to bring some order to the galaxy. We can make some proper changes, save lives."  
Kaidan glanced over at Udina, having completely spaced out as the human councillor had continued to talk, but it seemed like Udina hadn't noticed.  
That man was simply too fond of his own, damn voice.

"I think you are selling me a bit too much now, Sir," the biotic said quietly.  
"There is not much a Spectre can do right now, save from cutting a few corners in dealing with this threat."

"Maybe so, but you will cut the right corners, take the right decisions," Udina commented, letting his eyes land on Kaidan, studying him intensely.

"If in the situation, Sir, I hope I will," Kaidan evaded, not quite ready to give Udina the answer he was clearly fishing for.

Udina did notice the evasion, giving Kaidan a somewhat disgruntled look before returning his attention back to the screen.  
"It has been a week, Major," he stated firmly. "We were hoping to have your answer a bit-" he gave a vague gesture with his hand. "-sooner than this," he finally finished after a few seconds of silence.

"It is just a lot to consider for me," Kaidan replied, keeping his gaze on the TV-screen. "And not a decision I wish to take lightly. Also, considering the circumstances, I want to know how my status is when it comes to my biotics."  
He knew he was capable of more than just his biotics, but after accepting his role as teacher for human biotic soldiers... Well. He couldn't just dismissed them, like he had when he was a bit younger.

"I do hope you know that the longer it takes," Udina started, not even finishing the sentence, letting it hang in the air for Kaidan to nibble on.

"If I say yes today, tomorrow or a week from now will not bring me any closer to active duty, Councillor. With all due respect," Kaidan replied, adding the last part quickly so he wouldn't accidentally pick a fight with Udina.  
"But you will have it before I am released from the hospital, that much I can promise."

"I understand, Major," Udina sighed as he finally glanced back at Kaidan. "We don't want you to make this decision lightly, we merely want you to know that-"

"-that the galaxy will not wait while I decide," Kaidan finished, nodding his head some. "I know, Sir. I am not expecting it to. But please, give me time to consider."

"I will give you as long as I can," the councillor finally said. "As long as the Council and the galaxy can give you. But know that I'd like an answer, Major," Udina said firmly, looking directly at Kaidan with a gaze that made Kaidan feel extremely exposed.  
"The galaxy has need of exceptional soldiers like you. Now more than ever."

"You'll have it soon, Councillor. I promise," Kaidan repeated, hoping his own look wasn't too challenging as he looked up at the councillor. 

"I'll look forward to it," Udina replied before jumping slightly as the door to Kaidan's room slid up, having clearly not expected for anyone to come in.   
He quickly regained his composure though, making the jump a part of a swift turn as he started heading out of the room, greeting the visitor with a more chilly attitude than Kaidan would when he saw who the visitor was.

"Shepard."

Shepard didn't seem to impressed with Udina either, merely raising an eyebrow and giving the councillor a small nod with his head. "Udina."  
The human councillor didn't hold the Commander's attention for long and the second Shepard turned his head to look at Kaidan, the man's face lit up. "Hey."

"Shepard, hey," Kaidan smiled back, shifting slightly on the bed as John came closer to the bed.  
"Y-you've just missed snack-time," he winced as the shift pulled at the sore muscled in his back before covering it up with a small laugh. "Actually that's probably a good thing."

The laugh he got from Shepard made Kaidan instantly feel better about everything and he couldn't help but keep his eyes on Shepard as the man stopped by his bed. It had been too long since he had seen Shepard without the anger and hurt clouding his mind and eyes.  
"Thanks for coming."

"No problem," Shepard mused, giving Kaidan one of those half-smiles as he moved to the chair by Kaidan's bed, sitting down onto it.   
"What did Udina want?" he asked while making himself more comfortable on the chair, leaning his elbow against Kaidan's mattress. "Still thinking about the Spectre position?"

"It's a big honour," Kaidan murmured, shifting so he could place a hand under his head, giving it a little support so he could look at Shepard more comfortably.  
"A huge responsibility. Just need to be sure."

Shepard just gave Kaidan what Kaidan could have sworn was a look of bemusement and... something else. Adoration, perhaps? He wasn't sure.  
"I got you this," the Commander said instead, carefully fishing something out of the huge front-pockets of his hoodie, revealing a bottle of what seemed to be alcohol. "Maybe it will help make the decision for you."

"Wow," Kaidan chuckled, the surprise clear in his voice as he accepted the bottle. "Thanks, Shepard. That's really great. Can't really drink it while on meds, but I'm sure it won't go bad."

"Just a little pick-me-up," Shepard replied with a grin, shifting on the chair so he could lean both elbows on the edge of Kaidan's mattress.

"Maybe when I'm out, we can crack it open and celebrate," Kaidan suggested while carefully placing the bottle on the small table next to his bed, mindful not to knock anything else off.  
"I'm so ready to get out of here, Shepard," he sighed as he let himself slump back down onto the bed. "You can't tell, but I'm tied to this bed by medical red tape. I mean, Doc... Doc says I am good to go, but then she always finds "just one more test" to run."

"You doing okay, though," Shepard asked, looking over Kaidan's face, eyes studying him before trailing downwards.  
"... Hospital so stripped of equipment they couldn't even give you a hospital-gown or wash your face?"

"That bad, huh? I haven't seen myself in the mirror so I suppose I don't know the full damage," Kaidan mused, touching a tender spot underneath his right eye. "As for the gown, I declined it. It's not like I need it."

"I'd say," Shepard just grinned, eyeing Kaidan more intensely, which in turn made Kaidan let out a snort through his nose.  
"But you doing okay otherwise?"

"My implants got a little... rattled, so Doc wants me to keep the biotics offline for a bit," Kaidan admitted, moving his hand back to his neck, running his fingers gently over the implant under his skin.  
"It's really no big deal."

"Need me to break you out," Shepard offered with a small smile, making Kaidan smile right back.  
Shepard always had that contagious smile.

"I'll let you know," the biotic answered instead, trying not to act too much of a giddy schoolgirl just because Shepard smiled at him. "I'd hate to bring the wrath of the Doc on me. I still remember Chakwas and her monthly checkups. She'd hunt you down with a tracking-device in one hand and a syringe in the other, just in case you wouldn't come voluntarily."

Now it was Shepard's turn to laugh, shaking his head ever so slightly. "Yeah, she was a piece of work. Wonderful woman. Which is why I insisted on her joining the Normandy again when I saw her here at Huerta."

Kaidan raised an eyebrow. "She was here? No fair, Shepard, you stole my doctor."

"Borrowed," Shepard corrected, giving Kaidan a small smile. "Just getting the ship ready for your grand return."

That statement made Kaidan blush a little, but he couldn't help but feel good when hearing it.   
Shepard wanted him back on the Normandy, back with the crew. If he would be allowed by the higher ups was a different matter, but it just felt good hearing it.   
It made him feel... Wanted.

"I'm glad you asked me to come," Shepard continued, letting that small smile continue to rest on his lips. "It's good to see you are going to be okay. I'm sorry I didn't respond to your message, I didn't get it until two days ago. Communications are difficult at best and every time I was going to sit down and drop you a word, something came up."

"I can imagine that you are being tugged in all directions again," Kaidan murmured, giving Shepard an understanding smile.  
"But thanks. For coming, I mean."

"You almost died on my watch," Shepard murmured, looking away from Kaidan, down onto his own hands. "It was horrible to see."

"I want you to be straight with me then," Kaidan replied, sitting up slightly on the bed, using his left elbow as support as he looked at Shepard.  
Shepard had given him an opening. It may not have been intentional, but damn it, Kaidan had been sitting with these thoughts for well over a week now and he wanted to air them. So he took it.  
"So. I want to make sure--" he started, hesitating as he searched his mind for a good follow-up. It always sounded so good in his mind, but when he tried to speak them...  
"-after Mars, after Horizon. You and me, we're good?"

"We've been through hell together, had each other's backs. That kind of bond is hard to break," Shepard replied, looking up at Kaidan.

"But no. Not just that," Kaidan said, shaking his head a little. "You were my commander, sure. But you listened, too. We went through Ash's death together," he started, then trailed off as the memory of Ash, her funeral, that night... It call came rushing back, leaving him with mixed feelings.

"Yeah," Shepard murmured softly, letting his eyes meet with Kaidan's for a moment. "We did."

"So what do you say," Kaidan said softly, inhaling deeply. "Are we good?"

"We're good," the Commander said without hesitation. "It was great to have you back on the Normandy."

Kaidan's lips tugged into a small smile and he felt himself relax a little. "Thanks." Then, as a small spark of courage flared up in him, he decided to give the moment a small nudge. Just to see. "I'm really glad you came by," he murmured, looking up into Shepard's eyes. "Talking like this just reminds me... how much I like you." He hesitated for a moment before speaking again. "We're good together."

His gaze softened a little as he saw the surprise on Shepard's face, but when searching Shepard's face, he could see the surprise had been a pleasant one, if not unexpected.

There was a moment as they just looked at one another before the Commander cleared his throat. "Feel like we've cleared the air," he asked, tilting his head as he gave Kaidan a small, questioning look.

"Yeah," Kaidan nodded before looking down, wanting to come as clean as he could about everything.  
"You know, I'm not sure that I've been wrong about Cerberus... but I've been wrong about you."

"Then give me the updates, Major," Shepard said, grinning a little as the title made Kaidan laugh.

"Heh... Major, yeah," the biotic started, shaking his head a little.

"Congrats," Shepard smirked, gesturing a little to a uniform that was laying on a nearby chair, just waiting for Kaidan to put it back on again. "There's obviously been a lot going on."

"Anderson asked me to take over a spec ops program. First Special Operation, Biotics Division," Kaidan replied, knowing that Shepard would understand why his rank had gone from Commander to Major in just a year or so.  
"We're recruiting the most talented human biotics from around the galaxy."

"What's the focus?"

"Covert, high-risk missions. Turned it down at first. I mean, teaching?" Kaidan let out a small chuckle. "I prefer to get my hands dirty."

"Anderson can be pretty persuasive," Shepard mused, giving Kaidan a small, knowing smile.

"Yeah, bit of a hard-ass," Kaidan replied with a small smirk of his own. "But you can't argue with his kind of experience. Wouldn't take no. Said it had to be me."

"With your history, you're the perfect choice. And having been part of that history, I can see why he wanted you," Shepard replied. 

"True," Kaidan admitted, looking away from Shepard for a moment. "Human biotics are-... We're different, freaks even. Most people in the galaxy still see us that way. But accepting it, embracing it, can be the difference between success and sitting at home in your PJs taking red sand."  
He knew Shepard knew his history, his record. Even if it had been almost twenty years since he had looked at the stuff, let alone taken it, Kaidan was damn aware of just how close he had been to being one of the poor idiots who sat at home because of it.  
It hadn't been his choice, BAaT had all but forced it upon him, upon them all, but it had still been a close call... At least in his head.  
"But I don't have to tell you that," he added softly, cementing his words as he glanced back up at Shepard.  
He halfway expected to see rejection, disgust, any or either, but all he saw was acceptance and understanding. Just like before.

Shepard just nodded some before speaking up.   
"Where's your family," he asked, as if realising that Kaidan's room was pretty much void of any personal effects, not anything revealing that others knew that he was hospitalized. "Are they safe?"

"My family," Kaidan started before sighing hard. "My parents live in Vancouver. But dad's family owns an orchard in the BC interior. They were headed out there on a shuttle the day of the attack."

"Heard from them," Shepard asked quietly, as if fearing the answer.

"No, not yet," Kaidan replied just as quietly. "But I hope... I'm hoping dad's Alliance training has kept them safe." He shook his head some while carefully brushing some of his hair away from his forehead. "Must be killing them, not knowing where I am."

"They know you are a soldier, that you are strong," Shepard said confidently. "I am sure they know you are alright."

"Well, I am barely alright though," Kaidan pointed out, gesturing to his bed.  
"But I am safe so there is that."

"True," Shepard murmured before looking up at Kaidan, frowning a little as if thinking about something he didn't like.   
"You've been injured," he finally murmured after a few seconds of silence, his voice still a little concerned. "Sure you want right back in the thick of it?"  
It was a poor shift from the more painful conversation they had moments earlier, but Kaidan was grateful from the opening and latched onto it. It was a good excuse as any to drop the sad thoughts and latch onto other emotions, at least for now.

"Are you kidding? I want to kick the Reapers straight to hell. Cerberus, too."

Kaidan reeled himself in when he saw Shepard's eyebrow raise, realising that he might have let himself get too heated.  
"Sorry, I just... People near death say their lives flash before their eyes," he explained as he shifted, laying himself down properly onto the bed. "The future flashed for me. The anguish, the families, the children... It made me determined to live. I need to do something, Shepard. To save at least a few lives."

"Understandable," Shepard murmured. "And a feeling I share whole-heartedly."

"Glad you understand," Kaidan replied. "And sorry if I... spoke up there. I'm just frustrated, laying here in bed, unable to do anything while so many people are out there."

"Don't think about it," Shepard said, waving his hand in dismissal. "Again, I can understand. I think I would go crazy if it was me."

"I suppose the painkillers they have me doped up with helps keeping me calm. Or... Calmer."

Shepard let out a small chuckle. "You said your implants got rattled. Everything good?" 

"Ah, the medical gibberish was a bit more impressive, but that's what I took away. Rattled," he explained before chuckling. "Found a great doc at HQ that's fascinated by the L2 implants. I'm kind of her pet project."

"I take it she is the one that has you taped to the bed," Shepard asked with a small grin, which Kaidan gave a confirming nod to.

"Yeah," he chuckled. "I mean, the headaches are as bad as ever, but she's got me on a regiment of acupuncture, meds... and some nasty-tasting concoction. Won't tell me what it is. But my biotics... are stronger than ever."  
Kaidan shifted his look at Shepard. "Maybe some things get better with age."

"Or maybe you have," Shepard murmured, making Kaidan's heart skip a beat.

"Are you flirting with me, Commander," Kaidan chuckled, not quite willing to let the hope rise just yet.  
"Wait, wait! Don't tell me," he added quickly, adding a small grin. "Let me live in the illusion."

Shepard chuckled a little before his face turned a little more serious, quickly glancing around the room before letting his eyes meet with Kaidan's.  
"Kaidan," he said quietly. "Are we going to be able to get past what happened on Horizon?"

"I'd like to, Shepard," Kaidan murmured. "I'd like to move past the harsh words and be... friends, at least."   
_'Or more than friends,'_ his brain added helpfully, but that was too much to ask for too soon. "I dunno, I just... I like having you in my life."

"So how do we fix it," Shepard asked, his voice still so calm, so quiet.

"I'll admit, I own a lot of that. You were standing right in front of me, and I was... I shut you down," Kaidan replied, feeling that rush of relief that came with -finally- being able to say what he had wanted to say for so long. "There were so many emotions and thoughts going through me and when I saw you, and then saw them and the rumours and what I knew about Cerberus... It all crashed in my mind, making me-" he trailed off, grimacing a little as he tried to find the words. "It made me just go on auto-drive. It made what I thought I knew speak over what I knew I knew. And I'm sorry."

"Okay," Shepard replied, a little hesitantly.

"Okay," Kaidan echoed as he sat up a little on the bed again, once again using his elbow as support. "So, let's just put it behind us and get on with what's important right now."

"You mean bury it," Shepard asked softly.

"Bury it. Forgive it," Kaidan added. "I don't want to make light of it, there is a bridge that needs mending, probably on both our sides, but." He trailed of, not sure if it was right to say it, but Shepard was here with him. And the walls were open, they were both here, ready to listen. To heal and forgive.   
He probably would never get a better chance to voice his wants, even if it would never happen. "There's a war on and... maybe you and I will never happen again, but I just want you to know that... I still care. And that I am not seeing anyone. And I need for you to know that and I think -that-s how we get past Horizon."

Shepard didn't answer, not right away, but he did reach out and gently grasped at Kaidan's hand, giving it a good squeeze, holding it for a few seconds before releasing it again.  
"Then that's what we'll do," he murmured after.

The moment was interrupted by a rather insistent beeping coming from Shepard's omnitool, making the man curse as he reached for the flashing button. 

"I should let you get back to the Normandy," Kaidan said, smiling some at Shepard. "Wish I could come with you."

"Me too," Shepard murmured as he got up, reaching out to give Kaidan's hand another squeeze. "Sorry that I have to head off again already, seems like there's always something and I can't avoid them forever." 

Kaidan chuckled as he saw the face Shepard was pulling. "Don't think about it, Shepard. Duty comes first. I'm just grateful you found a little time for me."

"Always," Shepard murmured, smiling some. "Take care of yourself, Kaidan. We need you at a hundred percent."

"Will do," Kaidan promised. "Thanks for coming."

"Anytime," Shepard said before walking out the door, the door opening and closing with a soft hiss.  
Kaidan sighed some as he was once again left alone with his thoughts, but this time... It wasn't as bad.  
They had managed to talk, get a few things out into the open. Kaidan had managed to air out at least a few of the things that was on his mind and while a lot of things were still left blank, he felt that they had put down the first bricks of the foundation between them. Now they could start building up the trust again.  
Kaidan knew that while they could speak the words and say that they trusted one another, a breach had happened and it needed to be mended.

That's what they had started to today.  
Now the breach could start healing.


	36. Delayed Return

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan is released from the hospital and has one more heart-to-heart with Shepard.  
> Phew, been busy at work lately, but trying my best to keep myself in the swing of things! Hope this is enough to make up for my slowness!

Kaidan's recovery was fast and by the time he was allowed to be up and running, both figuratively and literally, Shepard had already taken off for another mission.  
It was to be expected. The fact that Shepard had gotten a whole two days on the Citadel was a surprise in itself, but it was slightly infuriating that the day after Shepard had left, Kaidan had been allowed "movement".  
Movement was not the same as being released though. No, the doctors were still keeping tabs on him, checking and measuring his biotics to make sure everything was okay so while Kaidan was allowed to wear his own pants (so to speak), he was not allowed to leave just yet.

He had also been allowed his omnitool and compads back so Shepard was free to send him messages, which he did was frequently as he could. Never long messages, most of them seemed to have been typed on the fly, but it was still enough to keep Kaidan updated and satisfied.

He was also free to spend more time with Thane, who was only too happy to train with him, be it simple body-training to regain the Major's strength or to sneakily practice some lighter biotic tricks.  
Kaidan knew that his doctor would have a cow if she discovered him, but he just couldn't help himself. He felt like he was seven again, levitating the family cat a few inches over the floor, feeling the thrill rush through him because he wasn't supposed to, but it was so much fun to just let it go. Of course, he never harmed the cat and when his mother caught him doing it and gave him a proper scolding because _what if_ he had harmed the poor animal in some what and after that, it just wasn't fun anymore.

"So when are you released, Major," Thane asked, his voice a little hoarser than normal, but the Drell had reassured him that he was feeling fine.

"With some luck, tomorrow actually," Kaidan replied, casually summoning up a small, biotic ball, swinging it over to Thane as if he was tossing him a ball.  
Thane caught it without much effort, sending it back to the human biotic within seconds.  
"The doctor just wants to make sure that my biotics would cause me any trouble. Or rather, my implants. Apparently they are build to last, which is a good thing. Quality, I suppose."

"Have you gotten your amps checked," Thane asked, reaching his hand up as Kaidan sent the ball back to him.

"Will have a full check of them tomorrow. They replaced the ones that malfunctioned during my beating while I was in surgery so they are curious if they will respond well once the implant is turned back on. If everything is okay, I will be ready to ship out."

"How does it feel, using your biotics without the help of the implants?" Thane asked, giving Kaidan a curious look, the ball passing between them without much effort from either party.

"It... Is strange," Kaidan said slowly, carefully rubbing his neck with his free hand, his fingertips pressing against the implant under his skin. "It's weaker, in a way, because I can't focus it properly, but the flow inside me is still spread because of the amps. I haven't really felt like this since I was a kid, except now I know what it is."

"It feels good at times," Thane murmured, "catching" the biotic ball in the air before letting it hover just a few inches over the palm of his hand.  
"It has a freedom that is unmatched. It is raw. A part of you, almost uncontrollable."

"When do Drell get their implants?" Kaidan asked, shifting on his chair so he could cross one leg over the other. "I suspect it's the same as everyone else?"

"During puberty, yes," Thane confirmed while letting go of the biotic ball, watching it slowly vanish when Kaidan waved his hand at it.  
"Have you ever considered replacing the implant you have with something better?"

Kaidan chuckled a little and smiled a little.  
"You are not the first one who's asked me that. But no, it's... I have never wanted to. The L2 implants are better than most, at least for me and because of the way they are implanted into my neck, it is a risky surgery."  
The smile turned a little more sad as he looked down onto his hands, watching as he folded them onto his lap. "... But it's not the risk that stops me. It is more what L2 means to me. So many people died because of them and I feel I am doing them a disservice by just removing them. I can deal with the migraines, I have never really had an issue with them during battle. It the time comes when I am actually crippled by them and become a hassle rather than an asset, then I might reconsider."

Thane nodded. "Shepard told me about that determination. It was one of the many things that he admired about you," he murmured, then let his lips tug up into a small smile. "And one of the things that drove him crazy."

Kaidan let out a barking laugh, shaking his head some. "Drove him crazy, huh? Well, that is pretty much the pot calling the kettle black. Shepard was stupidly determined and stubborn."

"So I saw, several times. It was one of the many things I found very amusing," Thane mused, the small smile still in place. "While I have not seen you in battle, it seems like the two of you are very similar, yet very different. In good ways, I would say. I can imagine you worked well together in battle as well as outside of it."

Kaidan nodded and let a small smile tug on his own lips. "Yeah, we did," he murmured. "And I hope we can do again."

"I am sure he has a seat ready for you on the shuttle already."

"Heh, a man can dream," the Major chuckled before glancing at his omnitool. "I should head out though. My check-up is in an hour and they wanted for me to eat before they did the test. Eat and drink that... thing again." He couldn't help but pull a face when he thought about the "medication" his doctor kept feeding him. At least he could pinch his nose to remove most of the taste.

"Then I wish you good luck," Thane said, getting up and offering Kaidan his hand to help him up from his chair.  
"And in case I don't see you before you leave, give all my best to Shepard and the others."

"Will do," Kaidan replied, taking the hand and using it to pull himself up.  
"I'll drop by if I can," he added, giving a small smile to Thane. "I'd hate to leave before saying goodbye."

"That would be nice. But you have my number so we can communicate. I'd like to be updated," Thane said before grinning faintly.  
"About everything."

"I will do my best," Kaidan said, ignoring the slight heat he suddenly felt on his cheeks.  
"I don't know exactly when I will return to the Normandy as I have a few things to do on the Citadel first, but I am hoping soon."

"I wish you luck either way, Major," Thane replied, giving Kaidan's hand a firm shake before releasing it, putting it on Kaidan's shoulder instead.  
"Amonkira, Lord of Hunters. Grant that this ones hands are steady and his aim is true. Should the worse come to pass, grant him forgiveness. But watch over him, Amonkira. Because it is not his time."

Brown eyes met with Thane's own dark ones, a moment of silent passing between them.  
Kaidan wasn't a religious man, he never had been, but he knew better than to brush away a blessing from someone he now saw as a friend.  
"Thank you," he murmured, reaching out and placing a hand of his own on Thane's shoulder, giving it a squeeze. "Take care of yourself, okay?"

"I will," Thane said as he released Kaidan's shoulder.

As they said their good-byes in the training room before going their separate ways, Kaidan had no idea that it would be one of the last time he would speak to Thane again.

***

Packing his bags was a quick affair, seeing as he didn't have much to pack, so on the day of his release, Kaidan spent most of his time pacing.  
Technically, he could just leave whenever he wanted. He had the papers, showing his clearance and permitting him return to active duty, but the Council had given him "orders" that someone would come pick him up.  
Once they had found out that Kaidan had been cleared from the hospital, the ball had started rolling fast. They wanted to make him a Spectre as soon as possible, though Kaidan had a feeling that it wasn't for his benefit, but rather the galaxy. A ceremony had been mentioned and Kaidan remembered very well that Shepard's own ceremony had been an official, though simple affair. His would likely be more overdone, to give the galaxy something else to focus on, which made him feel uncomfortable just thinking about it.  
Still, he understood it. The galaxy was in disarray, people were afraid so if something like this could give them something else to think about for a little while, then he would accept it.

Personally, he wanted nothing more than to return to the Normandy again so he could help Shepard and the rest of the crew. He wasn't sure how much he could do, but after his stay in the hospital, he just felt the need to do... Something. Anything.

Running his fingers through his hair, Kaidan leaned slightly against the glass, just watching the area below him.  
It was amazing, just how calm the people were despite the danger that was out there. He supposed that that was one of the things all the species had in common; using denial as a defensive mechanism so they didn't have to worry themselves to death. It was just -easier- to be a little bit in denial and go about their daily lives.

"Enjoying the view?"

Kaidan turned his head towards the voice and let his lips tug into a smile as he saw the owner of the voice come into the room.  
"Hey, Shepard," he greeted, a small chuckle in his voice as the first human Spectre came closer, hands stuck into the pockets of his N7-hoodie.  
"If you came to spring me, you're late. I'm getting out soon."

"Damn, should have asked the taxi to step on it," Shepard chuckled before smiling at Kaidan. "But that's good to hear. Can imagine you were about to go crazy in here."

"You have no idea," Kaidan mused before his expression turned a little more serious. "Maybe you already saw the vid, but I accepted Udina's offer," he said, bringing a hand up to his neck, rubbing it gently.

"Yeah?" Shepard raised an eyebrow, but the smile remained on his lips. "When?"

"Three days ago. Couldn't really put it off much longer, he was visiting me just about everyday, wanting an answer. Never coming outright with it, of course, but you know how he is."

"Tell me about it." John pulled a slight face before his attention was returned to Kaidan, the expression now one of pride.  
"Spectre Kaidan Alenko. That's a big deal."

Kaidan let out a nervous chuckle, looking down for a moment. "Only the second human Spectre," he murmured, his lips tugging into a smaller, more humble smile. "It is humbling."

"Got the best man for the job if you ask me," John smiled, reaching out and giving Kaidan's shoulder a small nudge.

"I dunno about that," the biotic grimaced. "Udina thinks they might have a pretty big ceremony, even with the war. He says a celebration will give folks something hopeful to latch onto."

"He's not wrong," Shepard replied, walking a little closer to Kaidan, still smiling at him.  
"You ready to take on that responsibility?"

"Which one of them? The responsibility of a Spectre or that of entertaining at a ceremony," Kaidan smirked, earning an eye-roll from Shepard.  
"Just kidding," he mused before shrugging his shoulders. "I don't know though. You set the bar pretty high, but I'll do my best. Not much more I can do."

Shepard merely smiled at Kaidan before giving him a friendly nudge with his shoulder. "That's why you're perfect for the job, Kaidan. You're humble. Honest. Hard-working. The perfect spectre-material."

"I don't know about that," the biotic replied. "I think I have some issues that a Spectre shouldn't have. Like bending the rules."

"You can do that, then it calls for it."

"Yeah, and spend ten minutes debating whether I should or not first," Kaidan added before shaking his head some. "It's strange though," he murmured, letting his gaze roam over the Citadel, taking in the sight. "On Mars, I should have died. The promotion from Anderson, Spectre status... These are terrible days, but I've been lucky."

Too lucky. He still wasn't sure if he deserved this. Any of it.  
It was just so... Typical him. Being the survivor and getting something out of it. It was becoming somewhat of a streak by now, but he tried not to think about it.  
If he did, the survival-guilt would drive him insane.

"You're perfect for the job," Shepard repeated, though he added a little more pressure to the words as well as giving Kaidan a firm look.  
"On Eden Prime, when we first met, I could see there was something special about you. You're a good man and an even better soldier."

Even if Kaidan had tried, he couldn't have prevented the smile that appeared on his lips. "That means a lot," he murmured softly. "And... It makes me happy. I am happy. I want to serve and this will give me the chance to do even more. More for humanity, for earth, for my students. More for the Normandy, should I get the chance."

"You mentioned that," John replied. "That you wanted to join the Normandy again. Before, I mean."

"Yeah, I've thought about that," Kaidan replied. "Thought about it a lot. I just need to get out of here first, though. Take care of some things."

"Anything special?"

"I've been trying to locate my old spec ops squads, my students, from Biotics Division," Kaidan replied, glancing over at Shepard.

"Any luck?"

"No," Kaidan murmured, shaking his head at the same time as he spoke. "Probably went underground, but they'll turn up." He let the soft smile turn more into a smirk as he winked at Shepard. "If they were easy to find, they wouldn't be doing their jobs."

Shepard let out a small laugh and grinned at Kaidan. "With you training them? I'll be surprised if they as much as a shred of evidence, wherever they are and have been."

"Flatterer."

Shepard just smirked. "Well, let me know if you need any help with that. And when you get out from both here and Udina's clutches. Also, expect an invitation to the ceremony."

"I'll try to get you front-row seats," Kaidan teased. "Though don't bring a date, I cannot promise I can get you two tickets."

"I'll let Garrus down gently," Shepard chuckled before giving Kaidan a heart-warming smile.  
"It's good to see you up and walking, Kaidan," he murmured before reaching his hand out. He seemed to hesitate for a moment, his hand hovering mid-air before it finally landed on Kaidan's shoulder, giving it a warm squeeze. "I didn't like seeing you chained to a bed like that."

"Thanks, Shepard," Kaidan murmured, smiling at his ex-lover. "For everything. For visiting me, the advice, the talks, the messages. Especially the chocolates. It really helped making it a bit more bearable being stuck here."

"No problem, Kaidan," Shepard replied, giving Kaidan's shoulder another squeeze before releasing him.  
"Just don't let the Normandy wait for too long, eh? You've been missed."

"I'll try my best."

Shepard nodded before glancing over to the door as a timid knock was heard against the metal planes of the door.

"Excuse me, I am here to pick up a Kaidan Alenko?" a young Alliance woman said, looking between Shepard and Kaidan.

"That would be my ride," Kaidan smiled as he reached over to the chair to grab his bag.  
"I'd better get going. Want me to give you a ride somewhere? I'm sure they won't mind a stop."

"No, that's okay," Shepard said, shaking his head. "I'm going to drop by Thane, have a few words with him before heading off. I just wanted to see you first."

"I'm honoured," Kaidan mused, letting his lips turn warmer. "I'll see you around then, Shepard. Expect a call before the ceremony."

"I'll be waiting for it."

Kaidan reached out his hand and let Shepard grasp it with his own, giving it a firm shake before releasing it.  
"Take care, Shepard."

With a soft "you too" from his previous Commander, Kaidan headed towards the woman, trying to ignore the way his heart was beating in his chest.  
It certainly felt like things were starting to look up now, at least from his point of view. 

Sure, there was still a war on, but maybe some things could become better, just in case things went horribly wrong.  
Knowing his luck, he'd be the last man standing, carrying all the guilt and regret, but this time.

This time he didn't want any of that. No regrets. No guilt.

And unless Kaidan had read the signals completely wrong, it felt like Shepard agreed with him on that.  
So maybe, just maybe...  
Maybe he didn't have to stand alone, should the time come.

Kaidan certainly hoped so.


	37. Under Siege

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the Citadel is under siege.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew, sorry for the delay with the updates when it comes to this bad boy! I've been in the mids of quitting my job and getting rid of my appartment, but I think I should have some more time to dedicate to my writing now. At least for a little while. >_> Going to try and get as much done as possible as I know I will be facing a busy time in the future.  
> This chapter was hard to finish and because it was so damn long, I decided to cut it in two so you won't be bored to death from it. >_> I mean, it's still long, but not -as-long, I suppose.  
> Either way, hope you will enjoy!

Kaidan had forgotten just how awful it was, having your body measured, especially when it came to having your armour adjusted to fit you just perfectly.

Seemed like he was not escaping that dark-blue armour he had gotten when he was made Major.

The Council had decided that he needed to look his best for the ceremony and so they had sent Kaidan off to have it armour prepped and ready.  
It had taken quite a beating during the encounter on Mars and Kaidan couldn't help but wince when he saw the rather obvious dent at the back of his helmet. It was hard to imagine that his head had been in there and that he had survived the encounter at all.

He didn't exactly hate the armour, it -did- look nice, but he still didn't feel it was very practical. That and he got mixed feelings when looking at it. It made him think about the beating, about Mars and he honestly wasn't sure how he felt about it.

Kaidan himself didn't have to do much, thankfully, when it came to actually getting the measurements done.  
A quick scan of his body to get the measurements for the armour, seeing as it had been dented a little here and there, as well as a new under-suit as the doctors had to cut him out of his previous one, and Kaidan was free to go.  
Not that he had anywhere he needed to be, but there were things Kaidan wanted to do.

The attempted treaty between the Krogans and the rest of the council were the hottest debate currently going on and Kaidan was eagerly following the discussions that had, unsurprisingly, been dumped into Shepard's lap.  
The discussions were a secret though, the Alliance trying their best to keep things as private as they could until Shepard felt comfortable releasing something. News was hard to come by, but Hackett was doing his best to keep Kaidan up to speed.  
Outside of that, Kaidan kept himself busy the best he could and with his new rank, he had access to new things.

Officially, Kaidan was not a Spectre yet, but the Council had decided to grant him the accesses needed so he could familiarize himself with the Spectre system, the requisitions he could make and the training simulator.  
Since Kaidan couldn't actually -go- anywhere until the ceremony had been completed, not to mention that it wasn't guarantied where Kaidan would even go once he had been officially granted Spectre-status, he had to keep himself occupied via other means, which is were the simulator came into play.

He hadn't spend long in the hospital and thanks to the regular sparring with Thane, Kaidan didn't feel like a complete wreck when it came to his general strength physique, but he still enjoyed the burn, the challenge that came with the simulator.  
It was simply good to know that he still knew what to do, that he wasn't afraid of combat. It seemed like with each near-death experience he had, he just became more determined.  
That and it was a nice way to pass the time, in-between Kaidan's attempts to keep up with the news and the Council.

As a Spectre, even an unofficial one, he was kept up to date with the news, especially news that was about Shepard, which Kaidan saw as a perk.  
He hadn't been able to visit Thane at the hospital since he had left himself, but he had sent Kaidan a message, congratulating him on his new position, which made the biotic smile.  
Seemed like nothing escaped Thane's attention either, though considering what he had done as a profession, Kaidan wasn't very surprised.

Of course, after the third day had passed with nothing really happening and the Council seemingly being more interested in bickering with one another, Kaidan was feeling a strain on his normally big patience.  
The news of Shepard curing the genophage and securing the help of the Krogans and the Turians alike was the hottest topic within the Alliance, C-Sec and the Council, but in return the members of the Council seemed to disagree with what to do with their newfound assets.

Udina, naturally, wanted everyone to drop everything to help Earth while Councillor Sparatus wanted for the Krogans to help the Turians first, as was the original agreement as far as Kaidan knew, before help could be given to Earth. Councillor Tevos seemed to lean more towards Udina, but she did not openly voice her opinion while Councillor Valern seemed completely disinterested in both the Turians and Krogans.  
In Kaidan's opinion, he felt like he was more or less watching a group of children fighting on the playground over a box with toy-soldiers.  
He was having half a mind to just demand for them to get their fingers out of their asses and do something, but something else would beat him to it.

In hindsight, he was rather glad that he was required to be near the Council these days or things could really have turned ugly...

It had started out very subtle at first and it had almost been a coincidence that Kaidan had even noticed it.

Udina had happened to call upon him while he was training in the simulator, wanting for him to be an unofficial witness for a discussion between the Councillor members by Councillor Valern.  
It wasn't a rare occurrence that they called for someone of rank to be a witness so Kaidan didn't question it. Valern had also told Kaidan that Shepard had been notified and was heading back to Citadel space, but exactly what was going on remained unspoken.  
All Kaidan had been told to do for now was to pick Udina up and escort him to the meeting.

As he headed over to the human Councillor’s office, he noticed several members of C-Sec looking concerned, talking quietly between themselves. One of them, a Turian, was frantically typing on his omnitool, his mandibles twitching with each rejecting beep the omnitool created.  
When he finally reached Udina's office, he gave the human Councillor a quick salute.  
"Councillor Udina, I am ready to escort you."

Udina nodded, barely glancing up from his paperwork. "Yes, Major, thank you. Give me a moment; I just need to locate some reports here. Damn the others for calling in meetings on such short notice. Surely talking about the Krogans and Turians can wait."

"Of course," Kaidan responded before glancing behind him, trying to catch a glimpse of the C-Sec officers before the door slid shut behind him.  
"Is there an issue going on the Citadel," he asked casually, letting his gaze drift back to Udina.

"None that I have heard," Udina said absentmindedly, not even looking up at Kaidan as he spoke.  
"Why do you ask, Major?"

"Nothing of importance, Councillor," Kaidan replied politely, placing his hands behind his back. "Just saw a few members of C-Sec on my way here. They seemed concerned about something."

"Probably some petty squabble somewhere," Udina replied with a sigh, looking over one of his compads before rubbing his forehead. "With all the refugees on the lower floors, minor conflicts are breaking out all the time and there are not enough people to properly handle them all. But it shouldn't be a big concern, especially not for you," he continued, waving his hand dismissively before looking up as the lights in his office started flickering, frowning some. "Oh, for the love of-! What now?"

Kaidan looked up as well before hurrying over to the window to take a look outside. He could see several lights flickering from numerous windows and street-lights below before returning to normal, which made him worry ever so slightly. The last thing they needed was a power-outage, even if it was just lights.  
"Probably a power-surge," he suggested, though it was a rarity for the Citadel to experience power-surges without some sort of warning. Of course, no system was perfect and it was possible that errors could happen, especially now.  
He tossed one more glance onto the street before pushing himself away, returning his attention back to the Councillor. He was about to ask if he was ready for the meeting before his eyes trailed upwards again as he heard a faint sound from above them, slowly coming closer.  
A Keeper? It could be, especially if there was a surge going on and Kaidan knew that the Keepers used the vents to travel around the Citadel.

The lights flickered again, which made Udina let out a disgruntled noise, slamming his compad down hard onto his desk. "Oh, what is going on? How can I work with the lights going out?"

Kaidan didn't even get a chance to respond to the question as the sound above them turned louder.  
That's when the shooting outside started.  
Despite the very distracting noise coming from outside Udina's office, Kaidan was more interested in the boot that suddenly bashed through the vents, kicking through the metal cover. The biotic would not give him a chance to do much more than that as he yelled for Udina to get to cover, snatching his gun from the belt and firing into the vent.

The assaulter went down with a gurgle, foot hanging loosely from the opening it had created while blood started dripping from the holes Kaidan's gun had created in the ceiling.  
Kaidan didn't stop to exanimate the body; there was no time for it. There was still shooting going out on the outside and Kaidan needed to get Udina and the other Councillors to safety.  
"Udina, to me!" he ordered, glad that the man didn't protest as he scrambled out from under the desk. At least the man had the good sense to hide when Kaidan had told him to.

"Shit, what is going on?!"

"I don't know," Kaidan said, frowning as he peered out the window in Udina's office. Despite the shooting, it seemed like the battle had not come up to the Councillor’s level, probably thanks to the high-level security. That also meant that the other Councillor-members were hopefully still safe.  
"Come on, we have to move."

Udina nodded, seemingly happy to let Kaidan take charge as the biotic palmed the door-lock, letting it slide open with a silent hiss.  
The sound of shooting and yelling became louder as they stepped outside, though what worried Kaidan the most was the fact that there was seemingly nobody up there with them and the doors to the different offices were open. At least there were no signs of struggle or blood, and there were several panic-rooms for the Councillor members to take shelter inn.  
"Udina, where is the closest panic-room?"

"Right this way," Udina breathed, looking around the empty area before pointing a surprisingly steady hand towards a closed off door, leading towards a private elevator for the Councillors. 

"Let’s go," Kaidan ordered, walking quickly towards the door, though making sure that Udina was close to him. He didn't say anything further to the man, especially since he had no idea what was going on.

The path was clear as the two of them hurried down the hallway, though the fact that there was nobody there made Kaidan more than a little concerned.  
He quickly palmed the elevator as soon as they reached, gun at the ready in case of any nasty surprised. "Can you contact C-Sec, Councillor," he asked Udina while they waited, tossing him a quick glance.

"I'm already trying, but my messages are not going through," Udina frowned, his fingers already tapping at his omnitool. "None of the channels are working, not even the private one."

"Great, just what we need," Kaidan grunted, snuffing out the ideas to call for help. All he could do now was actually find a safe location and, preferably, the other Councillors. But without backup, he would have to play it safe and take it one step at a time.  
His trains of thoughts were broken by the soft hiss from the elevator stopping, but he was taken aback by the sight inside it when the door slid open.

"Oh God," Udina gasped as he took in the sight of a very dead C-Sec officer, shot in the head. Blood was splattering the walls and covered the floor, but despite the mess, the dead Turian male had a look of surprise on his face.  
Kaidan wrinkled his nose some before nodding his head at Udina. "Let’s go. He won't get up anytime soon."

Udina clearly looked unhappy by the thought, but eventually nodded and stepped into the elevator, quickly followed by Kaidan.  
"Get ready. We don't know what's waiting for us," Kaidan warned. "Which floor?"

"Down, but it takes a code," Udina replied, reaching out towards the elevator's small wall-console and punched in a series of codes. Moments later, the elevator jerked into life and went downwards.

"Do you know how to fire a gun," Kaidan asked, glancing at Udina.

"I am a politician, not a soldier," Udina replied with a huff, making Kaidan frown some.

"Fair enough, but I want to give you a means to protect yourself, should it be needed."

"Then I would suggest to not bring me a gun," Udina replied. "I would shoot myself on accident, I am sure."

"Fair enough," Kaidan replied, not willing to fight the Councillor on this. Besides, the man was probably right. While he was aggressive and probably a good "fighter" in political debates, Kaidan had no idea if the man had even seen a gun up close, let alone held one in his hands.  
"Just remain as close as you can to me so I can protect you."

"You don't have to tell me twice," Udina muttered, shying as far away from the dead Turian as he could.

They continued the trip down in silence, though Kaidan remained on alert in case something happened. The fact that it was so eerily quiet was more unsettling than the gunshots near the embassies and it just made him feel jumpy.  
As the elevator came to a half on the floor Udina had punched the code for, Kaidan readied his gun, holding his breath as the door slid open.

At first, he couldn't hear anything, but as Kaidan stepped out of the elevator, making sure to cover Udina the best he could, he could hear the faint sounds of fighting in the distance.  
"Shit," he cursed, glancing around quickly to see if there was anywhere Udina could hide, but all he could see was four wide open hallways, going in different direction from the circular platform they were standing on.  
"I take it the panic-room is in the direction of the noise?"

Kaidan didn't even need to look at Udina to know the answer and merely let out a deep breath of air through his nose instead.  
"Stay close, but get ready to leg it I say so," he finally said, looking over at Udina who merely nodded.

Together they walked down the hallway, towards the sounds of fighting. As they walked, Kaidan could see more dead bodies, mostly C-Sec personnel, but as they neared a curve in the hallway, Kaidan saw the first remains of whoever they had been fighting.

He would recognise the damn uniform and logo anywhere by now.

"Cerberus. I should have known," he mumbled to himself as he walked over to one of the bodies, giving it a nudge with his boot to check if the soldier would get back up. Judging by the fact that it seemed like the soldier's head seemed to have been snapped, he doubted it, but he didn't want to risk it.

The sound of fighting was louder now and after checking the hallway behind them, Kaidan looked at Udina. "Stay here."

"What?!" 

"There's gunfire around this corner, I don't want you to get hurt," Kaidan hissed, placing a finger over his lips to signal for Udina to keep his voice down. "Keep your eyes behind us, yell if you see anything."

"R-right."

Kaidan nodded at Udina before rounding the corner. He was immediately greeted to what he could only describe as a bloodbath.

There were dead C-sec members and Cerberus soldiers spread across the floor, though it seemed like whoever had been fighting them had done a bang-up job so far.  
Only two Cerberus soldiers were up and their attention was completely focused on an open door ahead of them. Either they had pinned whoever it was down, or had already killed them, but for now they had their back to Kaidan, something the biotic took quick advantage off. Before he could alert them of his presence, the biotic took aim and planted two bullets in one of the soldiers head, then shooting the other in the neck as the gunfire alerted him. Neither of they had the chance to react.  
As the soldiers slumped over onto the ground, Kaidan kept his eyes and gun directed in the direction the soldiers had fired, not willing to risk a trap. "Come out."

To his surprise, only one person came out from the open door and when Kaidan saw who it was, his mouth dropped open.

"Thane!"


	38. "Trust Me"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan most make the most important decision of his life.

"Thane!"

Out of all the people to find lurking in the secret tunnels of the Citadel, the Drell had been the very last person Kaidan had expected, save from Shepard.

… Then again, Kaidan would not have been surprised in the slightest to see Shepard down here, considering the man’s habit of showing up when one least expected it.

"Major Alenko," Thane replied, looking rather relieved to see Kaidan as he hurried over to him. "I am glad to see you. I ran out of ammo before I could dispose of the remaining soldiers and they had me pinned down. You seem to have come just in time," he mused before smiling. "It is good to see that you are alright as well. I tried getting a hold of you over the coms, but all open channels are down so I have been sending out emergency messages. I haven't been able to get a response yet."

"Do you know what is going on?"

"Not entirely, except that the Citadel is crawling with Cerberus soldiers. They seem to come out of nowhere."

"Cerberus? Here?" Udina gasped, visibly paling when he heard the information, having rounded the corner when he heard the two men talking. "How is that even possible, how did they breech the security?"

"Unknown, but we do not have time to find out," Thane replied before looking at Kaidan.  
"We need to get help."

"I can't leave the Councillor alone," Kaidan replied, looking over at Udina for a moment before his eyes returned to Thane. "Have you seen the other members?"

"I believe they are in the panic-room," Thane responded, turning to point down the hallway.  
"C-Sec bought them time to get in, but Cerberus was at their tails. I just happened to follow Cerberus from the hospital to here when I got mixed up in this."

"You probably saved their lives," Kaidan said, smiling some at Thane. 

Thane gave a half smile back. "Merely doing what I can. And now you can protect them while I go for help," he murmured, giving the Major a firm nod.  
"I can move quickly thanks to my... Previous occupation. I can reach the C-Sec Headquarters and see if I can be of assistance or get help from there. You are more than a match for Cerberus and if you stay in the panic-room, you should be able to keep the Council safe."  
He quickly tapped his fingers over his omnitool before linking it with Kaidan's.  
"I cannot make any promises as to when you will hear from me, I don't want Cerberus to find our locations and there is no time to set up secure routes, but I will try to keep you updated on my findings."

"Sounds like a plan, Thane," Kaidan agreed before picking up one of the guns from the dead Cerberus trooper, tossing it over to the Drell.  
"Just don't go unprotected."

Thane caught the gun with ease, giving Kaidan a small grin. "I never am. But thank you for the sentiment," he murmured before heading in the direction Kaidan and Udina had come from.

Kaidan just gave a small smirk back before looking at Udina. "Okay, come on. We need to check if the others are inside."

Udina nodded and jogged down the hallway, Kaidan keeping himself right behind him, until they reached a set of large, fortified titanium-doors, complete with shields and powered locks. It certainly looked like a safe place to be, at least from the inside.  
"They must be in there for the shields to be up," Udina commented as he hurried over to the door, pressing it at a glass-panel next to it. After a quick scan, a keypad appeared over the panel, allowing Udina to press in another, longer code.  
Moments after the code was entered, the shields powered down and Kaidan could hear the locks as they opened before the door slid up. Knowing that if the Council were in there, they would probably be worried by the fact that the doors were opening.  
He also knew that, for all he knew, they could be hostages in there so he quickly grabbed Udina's arm and tugged him out of view of the slowly opening door.  
"Councillors! It is Major Kaidan Alenko and Councillor Udina! Don't panic!"

"Major?" Councillor Sparatus called out, sounding surprised, but not panicked.

Kaidan let his biotic shield flicker over his body, signalling for Udina to remain where he was before stepping into view, gun at the ready.  
Sparatus and Tevos immediately took a step back, looking slightly panicked they saw the biotic. Upon seeing no others in the room save from the two councillor members, Kaidan lowered the gun. "Thank god you are okay. But where is Councillor Valern?"

"He was never with us," Sparatus replied, stepping up towards Kaidan.  
"We were ushered here by C-Sec since we were already gathered for the meeting in the Council Chamber, waiting for Udina and Valern to join us."

"What is going on, Major Alenko," Tevos asked, her voice hard as she looked around.  
"We were attacked by Cerberus soldiers and barely managed to lock ourselves in here while C-Sec held them off."

"I am not a hundred percent sure, but it seems like Cerberus is trying to take over the Citadel. That or they have just made an attempt on your lives. Or both."

"Meaning we shouldn't remain in the open," Udina replied, walking into the room and immediately worked on closing the doors.  
"We will be safe in here, until C-Sec gets everything in order."

"Is there a safe channel here," Kaidan asked while letting Udina handling the door-locks since he didn't know the codes for the panic-rooms.

"There is supposed to be one," Tevos said, turning on her own omnitool while frowning.  
"But we haven't been able to connect to it. It seems like the all channels have been blocked, which is... worrisome. Our omnitools are all linked to the C-Sec network via private channels and we have tried to raise the alarm through that as well. If the signal has gone through…"

Kaidan frowned some as he turned his own omnitool on, trying to connect to the same channel. "Static," he mumbled.  
“How does the channel to C-Sec work?”

“It’s like a silent-alarm or tracking, so C-Sec can find us in an emergency-situation,” Tevos explained, holding out her arm so Kaidan could see the flashing light coming from her omnitool, indicating that the tracking was activated. “We are supposed to activate it, which we have, but since we haven’t heard anything…”

“C-Sec might have their hands full and if they can see that you are in here, they might assume that you are safe for the time being. That and they might rely on the officers and guards that were already accompanying you,” Kaidan replied.  
“And if the communications are down, they would not know that the guards have already been taken out, or if an alarm has been raised further.” 

“Then we are trapped here,” Sparatus grunted. “But at least we are safe.”

“Better than nothing,” Kaidan replied before he turned his attention to Udina as the human councillor suddenly let out a rather colourful stream of curses.

"The doors have jammed themselves! I cannot close them!"

Councillor Sparatus hurried over to Udina and started pressing the buttons, his mandibles pressed firmly against his jaw. "The doors have lost connection. Or power."

"Meaning this place is no longer safe," Kaidan said with a frown.  
"I can hold it with my biotics, but I wouldn't be able to keep a shield up for forever. And without any ways to get help, we'd be cornered."

"There are secret escape routes," Tevos suggested. "For the members of the Council. We could use them and go to one of the other panic-rooms."

"And what if the result is the same there," Udina said, arms crossed over his chest.  
"What if all the panic-rooms are malfunctioning?"

"It is better than staying here unprotected," Kaidan replied while trying to bring up a map of the Citadel via the Spectre channels so he could study their surroundings.  
"Thane said he followed several soldiers here from Huerta, meaning they know how to get here. We cannot risk more of them coming for you. But if we move and throw them off our trail, we'll have a better chance to get to a better location where you three can be protected."

"What about Councillor Valern," Tevos asked, frowning a little as he looked at Kaidan.  
"We cannot just leave him on his own."

"Right now, my priority is to get you three to safety," Kaidan replied while bringing up the escape routes Tevos had mentioned.  
"When I have done that, I can contact a friend of mine, get a status update."

"It's the best plan we have," Sparatus replied, fixing his eyes on Kaidan.  
"We will follow your lead."

Kaidan nodded while making the map a little bigger. "There is an exit-route just outside this panic-room. It seems to lead around and away from the Council Chamber from beneath and to this open area," he stated, pointing his finger to the location.

"That's another emergency escape route through the Presidium," Udina explained as he approached Kaidan to see the map.  
"It will take us to a small private dock with an armed and reinforced skycar for the Council, in case of evacuations."

"And where is the nearest panic-room from there?"

"The Wards," Sparatus replied, rubbing a clawed hand against his mandibles. "Or further down the Presidium, I do not think there is much of a difference distance –wise, but the Wards might be the safest option, depending on where and what Cerberus is after."

"Either way is better than here then," Udina grunted as he started heading out of the panic-room. "We can decide on which one we like better once we are on that car."

"Udina is right," Kaidan replied while shutting the map down, having memorized as much of it as he could before he ushered the two other Councillor-members along.  
It would be hard, defending three members of the Council on his own. He couldn't keep them in front of him in case of a frontal attack, but he couldn't keep them behind himself either in case of an ambush from behind.

Right now he just really wished he had eyes at the back of his head.  
"We can't stay here for much longer and like I said, I'd rather have us on the move than sitting out in the open here."  
He inhaled deeply as they moved together, hand already gripping tightly around the handle of his gun.  
"Please, keep your eyes with you and stay close so I can protect you. We have to move as swiftly, but carefully as we can."

The group moved swiftly back down the hallway, back towards the elevator Kaidan and Udina had taken down, but instead of entering it, they moved around it, heading the complete opposite direction than before. 

"There should be an elevator down this hallway, but it will take us up to the Presidium," Udina said, frowning some as they quickly walked down the hallway, looking around somewhat nervously.  
"We need to take another elevator to get to the skycar, but it won't be a far walk."

"I will take your word for it," Kaidan replied as they reached the elevator, holding his hand up to halt them. "Does this elevator need a code?" he asked while glancing at Udina.

"No. Only specific floors need them to be reached."

"Understood," Kaidan replied, pressing the button to call the elevator down before taking a step back, gun at the ready in case it brought any surprises with it.  
When the elevator came to a stop at their floor and the door opened, Kaidan almost expected a wave of Cerberus soldiers to come flooding out of it, but it was completely empty.  
"Okay, get inside," he ushered, letting the Councillor members enter first, covering them before entering the elevator as well.  
As soon as the human biotic was inside, Councillor Sparatus pressed the elevator button, watching as the doors slid shut before the elevator jerked into motion.

"I want you all to prepare yourself," Kaidan said, looking at the three of them.  
"I don't know what is out there, we are flying blind. We have to be fast, but we have to be careful too. We seemed to be safe down there for the time being, but now we will be more open and we won't know if there will be Cerberus soldiers in the area we're going to."

"The path isn't far, we should be able to get there fairly fast," Tevos replied, though the normally confident Councillor was looking a little shaken; her left arm was crossed over her chest, holding onto the elbow of her other arm while the hand on that arm was touching her face, finger tapping against her jaw.

"We will count on that, but I can't stress this enough," Kaidan responded, looking towards her.  
"Be careful. No stunts, no risks. Look twice instead of just looking once."

The three Councillors nodded slowly, inhaling deeply and slowly as the elevator took them up to their destination.  
When the elevator jerked to a halt, Kaidan immediately brought his gun up, aiming it at the door while standing in front of the Councillors, waiting for the door to slide open as he prepared himself for an attack. Time seemed to move slowly, the door taking ages before they finally opened, revealing nothing but the empty sidewalk on the other side.

Kaidan didn't take any chances though, quickly peering to both sides as he stepped out of the elevator, assessing the area as quickly as he dared to before nodding to the Councillor, deeming it safe. "Okay, come on. Be quick."

Thankfully the Councillors seemed to be more than ready to listen to him as they quickly scurried out of the elevator, jogging down the pathway, but being mindful not to stray too quickly from Kaidan.  
"Straight to the elevator," he called out to them while covering their backs, knowing he could toss a shield on them easier if he saw something from the front while covering the back than the other way around.

The quick jog to the elevator couldn’t have possibly been more than a few seconds long, a minute at the most, but every step, every movement from the Councillors seemed to take ages in Kaidan’s mind. They were wasting precious seconds outside of cover, being vulnerable.  
He knew it was all in his mind; the situation was far from ideal and he was protecting the most important people in the galaxy on his own.

Udina reached the elevator first and quickly slammed his hand against the button, looking around the area nervously. Tevor and Sparatus were right behind him, breathing hard from the quick sprint while Kaidan covered them.  
The elevator door slid open mere moments later and Kaidan ushered them inside before backing into it as well. “Okay, which floor?”

“Eighty-second,” Sparatus said, but he pressed the button before Kaidan could, which the biotic didn’t mind. He needed both hands at the ready, just in case something happened.

“The sky-car shouldn’t be far, just a few feet from the elevator,” Udina said, pacing a little behind Kaidan’s back, hands clasped together behind his own back.  
“We should be safe; the odds of Cerberus having disabled all cars are minimal.”

“Don’t jinx us now, Councillor,” Kaidan said, eyes fixed on the door before his attention was brought elsewhere as the first sounds of gunfire reached him.  
“… Shit.”

“Major?” Udina stopped his movements and instead looked at the human biotic.

“Quiet,” Kaidan whispered while walking to the wall of the still-moving elevator, trying to discover just where the gunfire was coming from.  
When he heard the gunfire coming closer, he let out another curse.  
There was people fighting in the damn elevator-shaft and they were quickly coming their way.

“Maybe they don’t know we are here,” Tevos whispered, looking at the spot Kaidan was standing.

“There’s a chance it is a battle between C-Sec and Cerberus,” Kaidan confirmed, frowning some as he backed away from the wall.  
“But I want us to be ready, just in case they do know you are in here. There is a very real possibility that C-Sec has responded to your signal and has unintentionally brought the battle here.”

“By the Goddess,” Tevos breathed out while Sparatus put his hand on her shoulder, giving her a silent nod.

The four of them continued their journey upwards in silence, listening to the sound of battle echoing around them. Kaidan was having trouble locating just exactly where it was coming from, it sounded like it was coming from all directions, making him wonder exactly what the hell was going on.

“We are almost there,” Udina murmured, watching as the numbers changed on the small screen before jumping as a rather loud thud sounded above them.

“What’s that noise,” Tevos whispered while Kaidan carefully nudged them all towards the wall so he could cover them.

“Gunmen,” he warned while drawing his own gun, aiming it towards the roof.  
C-Sec wouldn’t come for them through the roof, they would stop the elevator and force the doors open to make a rescue or something similar more smoothly and safely. After all, C-Sec didn’t know what was going on and knew that if the Council was under Cerberus control, jumping them through the roof could possibly get them killed.  
“Get down,” he said sharply before firing a few warning-shots of his own through the roof. He wasn’t aiming to kill, just to disturb whoever was on the roof long enough for them to get out of the elevator. By the sound of it, it was working as there were sounds of movement going away from their little corner.

The elevator came to a halt as Udina slammed his fist against the button and a quick glance at the screen told Kaidan that they had not arrived where they were supposed to be, but they would have to work with it.  
“Go,” he ordered as the door slid open, keeping his eyes and the gun on the roof as the Council quickly scurried out of the confined room before following them.

“There should be a shuttle here too,” Sparatus yelled as they ran, Kaidan quickly following them. “This entire section is full of shuttle-platforms for C-Sec.”

“Let’s hope we get lucky,” Kaidan replied as he ushered the members forward. The door ahead of them slid open as the motion-sensors detected them, but the sight on the other side was not what Kaidan wanted to see.  
There was a shuttle there, but it was already engulfed in flames. Kaidan was almost willing to bet that if this shuttle was destroyed, then most, if not all, shuttles in this area was.  
If they stayed here, they would be trapped, but Kaidan had no idea just what as following them from the elevator. Then again, there were other elevators in the area and Kaidan could buy the Council time to escape in a different one.

He had to make a decision.

“Cerberus took out the shuttle,” he ordered after a few seconds of thinking and gestured for the Council to pull back. “Everyone back to the elevator! Move!”  
They were dead if they stayed out there. At least in the hallway, they had a fighting chance.  
After a quick scan to make sure there was no nasty surprises coming from the shuttle or the open area around them, Kaidan returned his attention back to the hallway, only to stop dead in his tracks.

Coming in and locking the door behind them was Shepard, accompanied by Garrus and Lieutenant Vega.  
Judging by the look on their face, they had not expected to see Kaidan there either and their guns were immediately lowered, at least for a second.  
Then Shepard’s eyes shifted away from Kaidan and instead landed on Udina, who immediately backed away.

“Shepard? What’s going on,” the biotic asked, quickly lifting his own gun as he stepped between Shepard and Udina. This… this wasn’t right and he was sure that there was a look of confusion on his face.

“Shepard’s blocking our escape,” Udina spat and Kaidan could hear the anger in the Councillors’ voice. “He’s with Cerberus!”

“Just hang on,” Kaidan replied firmly, inhaling deeply as he kept himself between Shepard and Udina, hoping he didn’t look as insecure as he felt. “I got this. Everyone calm down.”  
He wasn’t sure who the last bit was directed to, himself or the people around him, but he had an inkling that he was trying to calm himself down.

Shepard gave Kaidan a somewhat pained look before lowering his gun, but Garrus and James kept theirs up. “I can explain this, Kaidan,” the Commander said, looking directly at Kaidan.

“Come on, Shepard,” Kaidan said, his own expression pulled into a look that mirrored Shepard’s own pained expression. “Gun drawn on a councillor… Kinda looks bad.”

Shepard took a quick look behind himself before holding his hand out, gesturing for both Garrus and James to lower their weapons. Garrus gave Shepard a small look, but did as told while James looked over his shoulder, watching the closed door behind them.  
Kaidan could tell that they completely trusted Shepard and while Garrus had been involved with the mess with Cerberus half a year ago, James… James had not. He had no reason as far as Kaidan knew to play nice with them.  
“We don’t have time to negotiate,” Shepard said firmly, straightening up as he took a step towards Shepard. “You’ve been fooled, all of you.”  
He pointed a finger towards Udina while frowning. “Udina’s behind this attack. The Salarian councillor confirmed it.”

“Please,” Udina snorted, shaking his head slightly in denial as he came a little closer towards Kaidan, obviously ready to challenge whatever Shepard had to say. “You have no proof. You never do.”

“There are Cerberus soldiers in the elevator shaft behind us. If you open that door, they’ll kill you all,” Shepard continued, obviously not in the mood to take Udina’s bait, settling for an angry gesture towards the door to make his point.

“We’ve mistrusted Shepard before,” Councillor Tevos said slowly, shifting nervously from one leg to the other as she tried to assess the situation. “-and it did not help us.”

“We don’t have time to debate this,” Udina protested, quickly turning and heading towards a panel by the shuttle, logging himself onto it. “We’re dead if we stay out here. I am overriding the lock.”

As the human councillor moved, Shepard whipped his gun back up again, aiming it at the man, only to once again be blocked by Kaidan.  
The human biotic merely stared at Shepard, trying to find some sort of fault in the very simple story, but as the Commander’s blue eyes met his, letting him see the sincerity…

“I better not regret this.”

Shepard gave Kaidan a downright warm and adoring smile as the human biotic turned away from him. “You won’t.”

Kaidan knew that if he was wrong, not only would he get a bullet or three in the back, but he would be responsible for the lives of three members of the council.  
Both Anderson and Shepard had told him to trust his heart and head as well as his gut and now… He just had to give it a try.

“Udina, step away from the console,” he warned as he lifted his gun, aiming it at Udina as he slowly walked towards him.

Udina looked alarmed for a moment before returning his attention to the console. “To hell with this,” he snarled as he continued to angrily punch at the buttons.  
Shepard snapped his head towards the door-lock, seeing as the lock was being overridden by the Councillor. “Kaidan, the door,” he warned as he continued to aim the gun at Udina.

Before Kaidan could react, Tevos ducked around him, walking over to Udina. “Don’t do this, Udina,” she whispered.  
“Whatever Cerberus has offered you, it is worth the lives of the people on the Citadel?”

Udina seemed to hesitate for a moment before giving Tevos a glare, angrily shoving her away from him. “You have no idea,” he hissed as he watched the woman land onto her back with a pained gasp, pulling a gun from a holster hidden underneath his back, aiming it at the Asari.  
“It is worth everything.”

“He’s got a gun,” Kaidan warned, his biotics flaring up in an attempt to disarm the human councillor, but he would be too slow. As the human councillor’s finger pressed against the trigger, Kaidan’s own finger pressed down hard on his gun, firing one single shot into the Councillor’s chest while his biotics created a small protective bubble around Tevos.  
Udina let out a gurgle as blood started pumping out of the open wound on his chest and with one last look at Kaidan, the human councillor slumped over, dropping the gun onto the floor as he landed face-first onto the steel-floor.  
Kaidan quickly rushed over to help Tevos up from the floor, but as he helped her, he heard the last whispered words from the dying man.

“It wasn’t supposed to be like this,” Udina gurgled, blood splattering against the floor as he coughed. “N-nobody was supposed to g-get hurt…”

Kaidan just looked at him, breathing hard as the Asari got onto her feet, releasing her so she could get behind him.

“Kaidan..?”

Snapping out of the trance, Kaidan glanced over at Shepard, having not noticed the man come closer to them. “Yeah, I’m good,” he merely said, tossing one more look at the dead councillor.  
“I’m good.”

Shepard opened his mouth to say something, but his attention was quickly snatched away by Sparatus as the Turian suddenly yelled out “the door!”, pointing towards the sparks coming from it.  
The four soldiers quickly rushed over to the door, guns drawn and at the ready as the doors were forcefully wielded through from the other side.

Kaidan was sure they were quite the sight as the door slid open, only to reveal C-Sec members and officers on the other side, one of the men even raising his hands up at the sight of two human spectres, a Turian sniper and the human equivalent of a Krogan aiming their weapons at them.

It wouldn’t last long as Shepard clearly knew the man leading the party, quickly lowering his own gun down. “Bailey?”

“Made it as fast as we could, Shepard,” the man referred to as Bailey answered, putting his own gun away.  
“Looks like you, uh… took care of things,” he added and Kaidan could swear that the man sounded a bit amused.

“Well, you know Shepard,” Garrus mused as he put his own rifle down, giving the man the Turian equivalent of a grin. “If you ever need some Spring-cleaning down, he’s the man to call.”

“Something’s not right,” the Asari Councillor said quickly, looking nervously down the hallway, clearly expecting more. “You said Cerberus was targeting us. Where did their soldiers go?”

“Cerberus was right here,” Bailey said as he stepped towards Tevos, giving her a reassuring smile. “But they beat feet into the Keeper tunnels when they figured out we were coming.”  
He then turned and gestured towards Shepard. “Sorry, Councillor, I’ll say it plain. Shepard just saved the lot of you.”

“Then you have saved my life twice now,” Councillor Sparatus said, walking over to Shepard and offering his hand. “I owe you both a personal debt and one on behalf of Palaven.”

“You don’t owe me anything, Councillor,” Shepard said, taking the offered hand and giving it a shake. “Times like this, we all stand together.”

Sparatus nodded before glancing over towards the body of Udina, his mandibles twitching slightly. “Commander. Do you have any idea why the Illusive Man would do this?”

“No. I don’t,” Shepard sighed, shaking his head some.  
“But I plan to find out.”

Sparatus merely looked at Shepard, studying him before nodding, releasing the hand from his own.

“All right, people,” Bailey called out, looking over at his own C-Sec soldiers. “Principals are evacuated, we got a tunnel and a million more places to secure. Move it!”

The C-Sec officers snapped to attention, quickly scattering into the hallway to continue with securing the area.  
“Councillors, if you will come with us,” he asked, gesturing for the two remaining councillors to follow him. “We will take you to Councillor Valern”

“We’ll help securing the area,” Shepard offered, following Bailey along with Garrus and James. When Kaidan didn’t immediately follow, the Commander stopped, giving him a small look. “Kaidan?”

Kaidan tore his eyes from the sight of the dead human councillor, pulling a slight face before nodding.  
“Yeah, sorry. I’m coming.”

As he followed Shepard down the hallway, every part of Kaidan’s mind was arguing with one another over what had gone down just now, but the only thing he could really get from it all was a slight bitter taste in his mouth and a very firm thought trying to reassure him that “he had done the right thing”.


	39. Together Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan is right back where he belongs.

Thanks to the combined efforts of C-Sec, the Normandy and any available Alliance soldier on the Citadel, the Citadel and the Council was declared secure before 24 hours had passed.  
Cerberus, C-Sec said, seemed to have just abandoned ship the second Shepard had helped C-Sec and Bailey get control of the C-Sec headquarters again, which had turned the battle in their favour again.

Every nook and cranny had been scanned and searched, every witness that had seen something or heard something had been interrogated and after Kaidan had given his own official statement and report on the event, he was free to go.

The ceremony, he had been informed off, was not going to happen, something Kaidan was glad for in retrospect and the only reason he knew that was because Councillor Tevos send him a message saying that all and every Spectre-ranked accesses and channels were now open to him along with the “sad news” of the ceremony being cancelled.

He had also received a second message, from Thane’s son, Kolyat, that his father had passed away while Kaidan had been interrogated about the situation.  
He hadn’t known Thane that well and he only knew Thane’s son from stories that had been told to him by Thane, but he still considered the Drell a good friend. As soon as he was allowed to, he came to the hospital to offer his condolences and pay his last respects the best he could.   
Kolyat was still there when Kaidan came by and they spoke briefly with one another after Kaidan left Thane’s bedside. The Drell was almost the splitting image of his father, save from his skin having a whiter, more silvery tinge to it, but knowing how awkward it was to be compared to ones father, Kaidan didn’t mention it. The Drell, however, mentioned that Thane had spoken highly of Kaidan during the time he had been at the hospital and that he was glad that Kaidan had found the time to come see him, even if he had come after Thane had passed, which surprised Kaidan a little. He had not expected for Thane to have even mentioned him, let alone spoken about him to his son, but he couldn’t help but feel a little flattered and humbled by it.  
While there, Kaidan also notified the young Drell that if he ever needed anything or if there was something he could do, to let him know, which Kolyat said he appreciated.

Not long after his visit had been concluded there, Hackett had called him up, wishing to congratulate him on a job well done on the Citadel.  
The news had, of course, spread like wildfire as soon as all the channels to the Citadel were open again and it had only been a matter of time before someone had found out about Kaidan’s role in it all, no matter how big or small it might have been.  
With the call came an offer for a new position; leading troops and assaults on strategic locations on Earth. A tempting offer in one way, but there was another part of Kaidan that did not want to take it. The part that remembered Shepard’s own statement.

_“I thought you might want to join the Normandy.”_

There was a big part of Kaidan that wanted that, for so many reasons. He had friends there, people he trusted and could count on, or at least hoped he could. He honestly did not know just how well off he was with them by now, but he was willing to work on it.  
After all, he only had himself and his temper to blame for any fall-outs that may or may not have happened.  
According to Shepard, while Kaidan was still in the hospital, the crew was sending him their best, hoping he would recover soon, but he could have been prettying it over for all the biotic knew.  
It wasn’t that big of a leap from “Get well soon” to “I have a bullet with your name on it” when it came to their inner circle, even if the latter had usually been spoken in jest.

By the time Hackett “let him go”, so to speak, Kaidan’s head was once again buzzing with way too much information and he honestly did not know where to even begin with sorting all the crap that was on his mind.  
Not only did he have to process the death of a friend, he also had to consider a new position as well as the moral issue he had with how he had dealt with Udina.   
Even after all the talks he had had with C-Sec and the Council, he still felt he had done something wrong, thinking that if he had just been a little faster with his biotics or if he had just seen it a little sooner…

In the end, he did the only thing his mind would let him do in this situation, hoping that the decision would help kill several birds with one stone.  
He decided to seek out Shepard.

Problem was, he had no idea exactly where Shepard was.  
Unsurprisingly, Shepard had immediately been tugged off as soon as the search had been completed and the two of them had been separated during the search, which was probably just as good.  
Kaidan could go and ask C-Sec since that’s where they both had started, but in the end, he let his feet decide where to go, moving on a hunch.

When he found himself standing outside the Normandy, Kaidan could feel himself hesitate. A part of him wanted to go in there, say hello to everyone, but there was another part of him that was afraid.  
He had no idea on how he would be welcomed or treated. He knew that almost all of the old gang had been gathered again; Joker, Liara, Garrus and Tali. Heck, even Doctor Chakwas was on board along with Engineer Adams. People he had tried to keep in touch with after Shepard’s supposed death before life butted in and they had drifted apart.   
There were other people on board as well now as far as Kaidan knew, like James Vega and Steve Cortez. People Kaidan didn’t know well, but based on what Shepard had told him during the hospital visits, they had seemed like decent people.

Instead of going to the dry-docked ship, Kaidan opted to remain outside until he could actually talk to Shepard and find out exactly what would happen.  
Going on board, saying he would join them was one thing, but going on board saying his good byes…? Now that was an entirely different matter.  
He just hoped that Shepard wasn’t already onboard the Normandy or standing around outside would just be awkward and probably look a little bit creepy.

Luckily Kaidan didn’t have to stand around for long, watching the sleek shape of the Normandy from the dock by himself.   
After about half an hour had passed, which Kaidan had spent most of the time debating with himself, the door to the Normandy’s docking-tunnel slid open, revealing Shepard on the other side.

“Hey,” Shepard greeted, giving Kaidan a warm smile. “I wondered where you went. What’s up?”

“I’m trying to wrap around what just happened,” Kaidan replied, not meaning the edge he had in his voice, but unable to stop it.  
When Shepard presented him what could only be described as a “kicked-puppy” expression, Kaidan grimaced some.

“You sound angry.”

“No,” Kaidan said while unfolding his arms from over his chest, not even sure exactly when he had crossed them. Probably at some point while thinking, it seemed to be a habit.  
“No, I am sorry,” he repeated before letting out a small sigh.  
“Just not used to staring down the gun go someone I’ve worked with so closely. Someone…Someone who once had my back. It… Rattled me.” He shook his head some and started pacing lightly, trying to sort his thoughts before saying something stupid again. Something that would put cracks in the foundation they had created.  
“How it all went down,” he started, gesturing lightly with his hands as he paced. “It’s got me… I don’t know.”

“Okay,” Shepard started, giving Kaidan a look as he brought his hand out, grasping at Kaidan’s shoulder to stop him from pacing. “You’re going to pace through the floor at this rate. Talk to me. Let’s have it.”

Kaidan sighed some before looking at Shepard, letting him see the raw vulnerability that was in Kaidan’s eyes. “If I hadn’t backed down first, I feel like you would have taken me down,” he said plainly, just letting his thoughts spill out from his mouth.

“Never,” Shepard simply said, shaking his head at the same time. “I trusted you and I knew you’d come around. That you’d trust your gut to what was right. And that’s all that matters.” Then he let his lips tug into a small grin. “I mean, at worse, I would have shot you in the let and let you whop my ass later. Main thing is we stopped the coup and Cerberus is off the Citadel.”

“Sometimes the way a thing goes down does matter, Shepard,” Kaidan sighed, ignoring Shepard’s light attempt at making him smile. Instead he moved away from the Commander, letting his hand fall from the shoulder as he walked towards the dock-window, looking towards the Normandy. “Later, when you have to live with yourself.”

“Something tells me this is more than just you and me aiming a gun at one another.”

Kaidan nodded slowly. “That was bad enough and it was the first thing that came out of my mouth. It was… I don’t want to do that again,” he murmured, reaching up to rub at his forehead.  
“I mean, I get it. You had Intel I didn’t, I was going on gut-feeling and my gut told me to stop being a shit and trust you. Like I should have done back then and what I do now.”

“Like I said, I knew you would come around. I would have done the same thing in your shoes, if you had come running towards Udina and not knowing that he was the one behind all this,” Shepard added.  
“And like you, I would have trusted you to give me the reason when the situation was under control. Like I said I would.”

“Yeah, I know,” Kaidan sighed, keeping his gaze fixed out the window. “But it’s not just that, you know. It’s the whole damn thing. It’s-“ He trailed off, gesturing weakly with his hand. “It’s knowing that you acted with integrity. When it matters.”

“You’re talking about Udina,” Shepard stated, tilting his head some as Kaidan glanced at him, silently confirming the Commander’s statement.  
“You think he would have come in quietly,” Shepard continued, walking over to Kaidan, but didn’t touch him. Merely standing next to him, looking out through the same window. “Kaidan, he gave you no choice,” he murmured. “You had to take the shot or he would have taken out the Asari councillor. You acted with integrity. I saw the whole thing. We all did and you can ask any one of us to testify if it comes to that, even if it is just to your own conscious.”

Kaidan let out a small snort and nodded his head some, letting his lips tug into a small smile. “All right,” he murmured softly. “Thanks.”  
They stood together for a moment, just allowing one another a small breathed before Kaidan finally turned to look at Shepard again.  
“Look, Shepard,” he said, giving his ex-lover an insecure look. “There’s…there’s another reason why I am here.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Kaidan licked over his lips before deciding to just be frank. “Hackett offered me a position, but I’d turn it down in a second if there was a chance to join you on the Normandy again.”  
 _‘If you’ll have me,’_ was added quietly in his own head, deciding _not_ to be that guy when it came to this.

“About time,” Shepard said, his lips tugging into a wide smile. “Couldn’t imagine facing the Reapers without you. I’ve got a bunk with your name on it and everything.”

That made Kaidan let out a louder laugh, his own lips tugging into a smile to mirror the one on Shepard’s face.  
“Yeah? Well, that’s great. I’ll bring my own blanket and everything.”

“Good, not sure we have a spare. Reserving the bunk-bed was hard enough,” Shepard mused.

Kaidan just grinned before offering Shepard his hand. “Thank you, Commander,” he said, underlining something that would be a quiet understanding between the two of them.  
Kaidan wasn’t here to take over Shepard’s role on the Normandy. While he outranked him, yes, he acknowledged that Shepard was the leader, the one in Command and he wasn’t about to disrupt that chain for anything.  
While he had no doubt that Shepard wouldn’t treat him any worse or better because of their history or the rank, there was always an off-chance that the crew could get confused or worse, it would cause an embarrassment.  
This was Kaidan’s choice, not an order or reassignment. Kaidan was coming back to the Normandy because he wanted to, not because he was ordered to, and for as long as he was serving on the Normandy, he would follow Shepard’s lead.  
As Shepard took his hand and gave it a firm shake and a squeeze, Kaidan returned it before adding something as an afterthought. Something he had to clear up.  
“And Shepard,” he started, giving Shepard a small, awkward smile. “I need you to know that I’ll never doubt you again. I’ve got your back.”

“Good to know,” Shepard responded with a small smirk, giving Kaidan’s hand an extra squeeze before releasing it. “Welcome aboard, Major.”

“Aye, aye, Sir,” Kaidan replied and, just because it was a habit, straightened up and saluted Shepard. Might as well make it proper and if Shepard happened to let out a snort from suppressing his laugher, well… That was just a bonus in Kaidan’s eyes.  
“I’ll just go get my stuff then,” he added with a small smirk as Shepard cleared his throat, the man seemingly trying his best to wipe his own smile off his face. “I’ll see you onboard later.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Shepard grinned. “I’ll arrange to have your equipment here, if you want. And if you need anything, give me a list and I’ll put in an order.”

“Will do, Shepard,” Kaidan agreed before turning around so he could get to work.

It was almost like the first time when he boarded the Normandy over three years ago, he was having the same giddy, almost bubbly feelings in his stomach, as if he was boarding the shop for the very first time.  
In a way, it was a new beginning for both of them. Just more slate for them to start anew on, for more than one reason.

Kaidan just couldn’t wait to be back onboard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew, been quick with these lastest chapters, but it was at a place where I just couldn't stop writing!   
> I cannot promise as often or frequent updates in the near future, but I will try my best! Hopefully you are still enjoying this fic. :D


	40. Onwards

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan is trying to get himself settled back on the Normandy.

The biggest surprise when Kaidan onboard was not the small changes in the Normandy’s interior; he had caught most, if not all of those changes when he was on the Normandy before Mars. He just hadn’t thought about because of all the stress that was going on.  
Heck, it wasn’t even finding Doctor Eva’s body greeting him when he stepped into the elevator to get to the crews floor, which had actually made him scream in surprise before blasting her away from himself with his biotics as a reflex.  
Eva, or rather EDI, as he later learned she was now called, took it well, saying that her robotic body was more than a little durable, even from the knock-around she had gotten. Joker almost took it worse, but between the two of them, they took the time to explain exactly who and what EDI was, what had happened to Eva and why the hell they had taken her onboard in the first place.  
Kaidan was sure that the way he was clutching his coffee and just staring at her with his mouth slightly open in disbelief was amusement enough for both of them.

And that is where the biggest surprise for him really was.

Everyone was treating him as if he had never been gone.

Sure, Joker did throw a couple of teasing comments about the fact that he got knocked around and for “bitching out the Commander at Horizon, that really hurt his feelings, you know,” and when he met Garrus, the Turian had merely stated that the ship was free of every and any Cerberus tech and symbol so he didn’t have to see it, but other than that it seemed like everyone was happy to see him.

Liara had given him a warmer welcome, hugging him and telling him that it was good to see him and that she had missed their time together on the Normandy.

Garrus, after making the comment about Cerberus, had grasped Kaidan’s hand firmly and shaken it along with giving him a pat on the should with the other hand, saying that it was good to have someone level-headed amongst the crazies. “Liara is great,” he had said, giving Kaidan a wink. “But it just isn’t the same when you what she is. She is just as crazy as the rest of us. I mean so are you, but you hide it better.”

Joker had taken his re-introduction when he had presented EDI for Kaidan, giving him a few light-hearted pokes before updating him on what had been going on and how Joker himself had found himself back on the Normandy.  
“It was just dumb luck,” he had grinned. “I was under house-arrest, though unofficially since I surrendered. And it wasn’t like I could run off, even with what Cerberus did for me and my china-bones. But me and EDI, that was the Cerberus AI I told you about, we came up with this plan that she was a VI that was programmed to only respond to me. For her own protection, we didn’t want to dismantle her since she was such a great help. I just happened to be there for one of the thousand retro-fits they did to her along with Adams when the Reapers attacked.”

“Sometimes,” Kaidan had responded, giving Joker a small grin of his own. “Dumb luck is all it takes.”

In addition to the familiar faces of the old inner crew, Kaidan had also dropped by Adams and Chakwas, who both seemed rather happy to see him.  
He had also gotten the chance to greet the new faces of the Normandy, James Vega and Steve Cortez being among them.  
He also bumped into a woman he had never heard of, namely Diana Allers, who immediately started bombarding him with questions and asking for an interview about his view on the war. His rescue would come in the form of Samantha Traynor, another face Kaidan hadn’t seen, but Shepard had mentioned her during his visits at the hospital, and with her help he was guided safely to the new crew quarters where he was to sleep.

Once he was done unpacking in the crews’ quarters, which was a task that took him less than ten minutes since he only had the very basics of personal belongings, Kaidan continued his exploration of the Normandy.  
He’d met Shepard briefly as Kaidan explored the star-observation room, who’d asked if he was getting settled. He’d loved the chuckle that escaped the Commander as he told him that he didn’t have much to settle with, but that he kind of liked it.

“Just make sure you have what you need. If you don’t, just come and ask me.”

“Will do, Shepard. I promise.”

With that, Shepard had smiled and hurried off to yet another meeting while Kaidan continued his exploration.

There had been some changes, yes, but all in all it was just like Kaidan remembered it. 

For the first time in a long, long time, despite everything that was going on, Kaidan felt as if he was home again.

As he explored, Kaidan had stopped by something that he guessed was a recent addition to the ship: a memorial wall.  
And by god if he didn’t get a lump in his throat as he read over the many familiar names that decorated that damn wall.

Jenkins.  
Presley.  
Williams.

… Ashley.

Despite all the time that had passed since her passing, the wound felt just as raw as when it happened, the memory he had of her so vivid in his head that he could tell that it was just –wrong- not to have her on board, greeting him and giving him a hard time for what he had done.

“Shepard had that wall erected, while on the Citadel.”

Kaidan just smiled some, not even turning around as the familiar voice of Liara spoke up as the Asari walked up to him.  
“It was one of the first things he did, after making sure you got the best treatment and arguing with the Council. All the people whose lives were lost on the Normandy… He didn’t want to forget any of them.”

She smiled sadly and looked at Kaidan. “He wrote a letter to each and every family, you know. Sent them off. When he was with Cerberus, they helped him locate the wreck of the original Normandy and he erected a monument there. Spent days looking through the wreck, gathering all the dog-tags he could find so he could send them to the owners family.”

“That sounds like Shepard,” Kaidan murmured, his voice thick with emotion.

Liara nodded some before looking at Kaidan. “After you got injured on Mars, he would just… Stare at the wall. Every morning since the wall was erected he has been standing here, looking at it.”

“Why?” Kaidan asked, wondering if Shepard was doing it for a special reason. Was it to remember? To punish himself?

“He hasn’t explained it, but when I asked, he said it was to motivate himself. He doesn’t want to put another name on the wall.”  
She kept her eyes on Kaidan, hesitating for a moment before continuing. “He was terrified that he had to put your name on that wall.”

“He didn’t have to,” Kaidan murmured, looking up at the wall, his hand reaching up so he could touch Ashley’s name.  
“I’m right here.”

“And we are glad you are, Kaidan,” Liara murmured, reaching up to touch the outstretched arm, giving it a squeeze.  
“Not having you here... It was like a part of the family was missing. It feels more complete now.”

“I’m glad to be back here,” Kaidan murmured, shifting to wrap his arm around Liara in a firm, one-armed hug. “Really, really glad.”  
The warm, slender hands and the head resting next to his on his shoulders told him that the feeling was very much mutual.

***

It took another two days for the Normandy to be cleared thanks to the mess that had happened on the Citadel, but as soon as the final preparations had been made, the Normandy took off towards its next mission.

Exactly where, Kaidan didn’t know, but he figured he would be notified when it was time.

All he had to do now was figure out what he could do on the Normandy to help out.

The easiest part of it all was being integrated to the crew and what his position was.  
It was clear that the attitude was a little relaxed compared to the regular military standard, but everyone respected Shepard and his authority on the Normandy.  
It was very similar to what had been going on three years ago, when Kaidan had first served with the man.  
They didn’t even need to say anything about Kaidan’s presence on the ship as everyone seemed to understand that Kaidan’s rank and presence did not mean that he was here to take over the ship. Shepard did make a brief mention that Kaidan would be his next in command should Shepard himself be unconscious, dead, busy or asleep, which was a little surprising to Kaidan, but understandable since he did outrank anyone else on the ship. That, and his history with the Reapers and Shepard made that natural.  
He was also treated with respect and if people couldn’t find Shepard, they actually came to him to ask for advice or help, which was appreciated.

He was also updated on what had been going on, giving a full report on all the work that had been done and what had happened at Palaven, on Tuchanka, with the genophage and the Salarians.  
“There’s still a ton to do and I’ve a list over every damn distress-signal I need to check, but we can get to that later,” Shepard had said with a sigh and Kaidan hoped he could help with unloading the Commander with some of the responsibility.  
So far, what Shepard had done contra what Kaidan had been told and pieced together on his own was nothing short of amazing, making the respect he had for the man just grow even more along with the guilt that he had actually doubted him in the past.

No more, that much he promised himself.

That in turn, however, lead Kaidan to the most difficult thing he had to do since coming back on the Normandy: finding his place on the work-list.

Shepard and his crew had wasted no time in getting to work and it was quite obvious that everyone had specific things they were focusing on.  
In fact, Kaidan wasn’t even sure if there was anything for him to do that didn’t require him specifically asking if anyone needed his help.  
Not that people were shy about asking for it. In the two short days on board before they took off, Liara had summoned him to her room three times to help out with sorting intel while Adams had asked for his help down in the engineering room. Not for any technical issues, but being a biotic helped a lot with lifting small, unreachable things in hard-to-get-to places.

Steve had taken him under his wing as well, stating that he definitely needed help with the status-reports on the Normandy, filling out requisitions for equipment and parts.  
“James is a great help,” he had said while flashing James a small smirk. “But he is more concerned about his own guns rather than ours.”

“It’s a full time job to keep you entertained, Esteban,” Vega had quipped back while grinning.

Steve had just rolled his eyes and smiled at Kaidan. “See what I have to work with down here? But any help you can provide, Major, would be great.”

Kaidan had nodded and together they had started working, checking the loaded crates and making sure everything they had requested was there before they left.

“Remind me to get you a coffee, the good kind,” Steve had smiled as soon as he signed off the final confirmation form. “Thanks to you, we got this done in half the time, Major.”

Kaidan had merely smiled. “It’s not my first rodeo, Lieutenant,” he’d mused. “I’m only sad that I don’t get to co-pilot the Normandy anymore.”

“Yeah, good luck getting EDI out of that chair,” Steve chuckled as they walked over to the elevator together.  
“Or rather, good luck getting Joker to say yes to that, he adores EDI to little pieces.”

“You know, when you put it like that, it sounds a bit… Creepy.”

“You get used to it,” Steve promised, giving Kaidan a warm, though tired smile.

“I bet,” Kaidan murmured before returning the smile. “At ease, Lieutenant. And do get some rest when you can.”

“I make no promises, Sir,” Steve had merely said, still smiling as they stepped into the elevator and took it up to the crews’ floor, where Kaidan stepped out.

There wasn’t much for him to do on the Normandy, but that didn’t mean he didn’t have things he could do on his own.  
He was still responsible for his students and while he had started searching for them during the downtime on he’d been forced to take on the Citadel, he hadn’t gotten much of a result yet. This both pleased him and made him worried because it could mean only one of two things: either they were doing their job really well or they were dead.

There was also the question about his parents, which was something that was always at the back of his mind, but he had gotten some news about that just the other day. He had mixed feelings about it, not sure if he wanted to laugh or cry, so he did the only thing he knew what to do.  
He had made himself busy so he wouldn’t think about it too much, didn’t want to make himself a liability, but now he had a chance to breathe so it was natural for his thoughts to finally start processing things.

Inhaling softly, Kaidan wandered down the hallway and entered the star-observation room, walking over to the large window before leaning his arm against it, staring out into the darkness outside.  
He found that he rather liked the observation room: it was quiet, the light was dimmed to better see the stars outside and there were plenty of comfortable seats to choose from if one needed privacy and time for oneself.

Perfect for someone like himself who tended to over-think everything and needed time for himself from time to time.

He had no idea how long he’d been standing there, watching the stars slowly float by while his brain was trying to sort out his thoughts, but the sound of the door opening and shutting didn’t escape him. He didn’t say anything though, waiting to see if it was someone seeking company or silence.

As the person came closer, Kaidan could see the reflection in the window, smiling a little bit as he recognised his companion.  
He inhaled again, breathing out hard and slowly through his nose before finally speaking up.

“All seems so calm from here,” he murmured, keeping his gaze out the window. “There are people going through hell in a million different ways… out there. And I want to be fighting alongside them, but… I want to be here. You know?”

“Sure,” Shepard murmured as he stopped next to Kaidan. He didn’t need to say anything else. Kaidan knew that Shepard understood how he felt.

“Thinking of anyone specific,” Shepard asked softly after a few seconds of comfortable silence, glancing over at Kaidan.

Kaidan bit his bottom lip, keeping his eyes on the stars for a moment before finally turning his head slightly to look at Shepard.  
“I heard from my mom, Shepard,” he finally said, confirming what he already knew to himself. “My dad is, um…” He hesitated for just a moment before swallowing hard, barely able to keep his voice steady. “He’s MIA. He’s presumed…” He trailed off, not willing to finish the sentence. If he did, it would turn even more real.  
His mom was safe, or as safe as she could be, but his dad…

The man he had looked up to when he grew up, the man that had done nothing but love and support him, even after everything Kaidan had done and gone through.  
The man that had been angry when Kaidan had first enlisted, only to hug him and confirm to him just how _proud_ he was of his son. Not because he had been angry at Kaidan’s choices, but because he had been afraid that the Alliance would just become another BaAT.

“Tell me what happened,” Shepard merely said as he took a step closer to Kaidan, letting his shoulder brush against the biotics. ”You said they got out of Vancouver.”

“I said they were on their way out,” Kaidan murmured, giving Shepard a small, apologetic smile. “But yeah, I… Mom confirmed it that they made it to the orchard. He-“ Kaidan stopped his sentence and breathed in deeply. “He left mom at the orchard and reported for active duty. It’s all we know, but it’s, uh…” He trailed off before forcing up a pained smile. “-it’s enough.”  
He turned to gaze out the window again, swallowing hard as a lump started forming in his throat.  
“She’s alone in this now. In all… this.”

“I feel for you, Kaidan,” Shepard murmured softly, lifting his arm and placing it over Kaidan’s back, letting his hand rest on the biotics shoulder. Not quite putting his arm around him, but it was close enough.  
“And I am glad you told me,” he added softly after a few seconds, giving the shoulder a squeeze before gently tugged Kaidan closer to him so that the biotics arm was touching the area between Shepard’s shoulder and arm. “There’s strength in camaraderie, in empathy. There’s no weakness in showing grief when it’s there, nor is it in talking about it, even if it’s just a little.”

“Thanks,” Kaidan whispered, unable to keep the slight quiver away from his voice. “You’re right.” He lifted his head up, forced up a smile as he looked into Shepard’s eyes.  
“I don’t know how you do it, Shepard,” he murmured. “Keeping it all together like you do. I feel ready to just… I don’t know. Do something, I guess. Punch someone, or something. Scream. Cry. Earth is always in the back of my mind, haunting me.”

“I get that. I do,” Shepard replied, letting the hand on Kaidan’s shoulder squeeze again before rubbing it slowly up and down Kaidan’s shoulder and upper arm in a comforting motion.  
“Sometimes I want to do the same. Punch someone, or something. Scream. Cry. But I can’t. Too many people depend on us to clean up this mess and I want to do everything I can to do just that.”

“Yeah, exactly,” Kaidan agreed, removing his gaze from Shepard in favour of the starry view on the other side of the window.  
“Maybe I think too much, but... It’s Earth. It’s mom. And my students...” He trailed off as his mind drifted back to the students again.

“Have you heard from them?”

“No, nothing,” Kaidan replied. “But they are the best and… Well, wherever they are, I know they’re kicking ass on Earth or… somewhere.” He let his lips tug into another smile. “They better or I will kick their ass when I see them again.”

Shepard let out a snort and gave Kaidan another one-armed squeeze before releasing him, taking a step to the side to give the Major some space. “Go easy on them, Major. We need all the able bodies we can get our hands on in order to finish this.”

“I make no promises,” Kaidan smirked as he let a comfortable silence fill the room.

It was just the two of them, there and now. It would be so easy to just… Turn his head. Open himself up, let Shepard see the raw emotion and need that was still inside him.  
But he didn’t. It was too fast, too soon and despite the very positive hints he had gotten from his Commander, he honestly did not know if Shepard was interested anymore. It could have been friendly, forgiving.  
It was clear that Shepard cared, but that was all Kaidan knew as well. The rest was pretty much grey still.

“You know,” Kaidan said instead, not trusting himself to look at Shepard just yet. Not when his mind was spinning like it was. “-when this war is over, there’s going to be one hell of a reunion party.”

“Hell, yeah,” Shepard said, the grin audible in his voice as well as visible on his lips as he turned to look at Kaidan.  
“It’s going to be the party of the century, at the very least.”

“Dancing in the streets. Hugging and crying,” Kaidan mused as he looked at Shepard. “And you know people are going to do everything they never got the chance to do. Or dared to do.”

“That in itself might be an event to see,” Shepard chuckled.

“Probably,” Kaidan agreed with a chuckle before a more wistful smile played on his lips. “My mom’s always wanted to travel off-planet,” he murmured, looking away from Shepard almost shyly before returning his gaze to the Commander. “I think I’ll take her.”

“Anywhere specific?” Shepard asked, sticking his hands in the pockets of his black hoodie.

“Dunno. Maybe to the Citadel, depending on the state of it. Or a colony somewhere. Anywhere she wants to go,” Kaidan said before the smile on his face faltered as his thoughts once again went to his mother. The lump that had been in his throat started threatening to reform and he cleared his throat loudly, trying his best to get rid of it. “I-“ He started, trying his best to stop the damn shaking from his voice. “I should start my own work. Reports to write, I need to contact Hackett again and I need to-“ He trailed off, gesturing weakly into the air as he tried to find the words. “You know,” he finished lamely before giving Shepard a weak smile. “Thanks for coming by.”

Shepard just looked at Kaidan, seemingly studying him for a moment before nodding. Instead of merely leaving though, the Commander stepped closer to Kaidan, eyes locked with the biotics. A hand was lifted, reaching out towards Kaidan, but stopping mid-air, as if had hit an invisible shield. Kaidan didn’t know what the original target had been, but the hand seemed to abort mission and went for his shoulder instead, giving it a firm squeeze.  
“Good to have you back, Kaidan,” Shepard murmured, the gaze faltering for just a second as Shepard looked away, then back before smiling. “I mean it.”

“I know you do,” Kaidan murmured, giving a smile of his own. “Thanks for letting me back.”

“Anytime,” Shepard murmured before pulling away from Kaidan and heading back out from the observation-room.  
Kaidan kept his eyes on him, watching until the Commander left and the door slid shut behind him before returning his gaze to the stars outside.

There was a strange sort of energy between them, something Kaidan couldn’t quite place his finger on.  
If he was to be optimistic, he would say that it was the spark that had been created all those years ago, but Kaidan was more a realist than he was an optimist. If there was a spark there, it was not the same as it had been. Maybe it never would be.

Either way, it was good to be back with the Normandy and with Shepard.  
It was like coming home and Kaidan had no intention of leaving anytime soon.

Not if he could help it.


	41. A Personal Letter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan relives Eden Prime and decides that it's time for a talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so very sorry for the delay in updates this last month. I have just moved to a new city and apartment and have tried to get myself in order, which has been somewhat of a damper on the creative juices.  
> Hopefully this chapter will make up for the waiting time! :D <3

“You know, I have almost forgotten just how much… Crazy happens when working with you,” Kaidan had said while looking over at the very sour and confused looking Prothean that was currently exploring the lower regions of the Normandy.

When Shepard had asked if he wanted to join him on a mission to Eden Prime, Kaidan had immediately said yes. Getting the chance to whoop some Cerberus ass and explore yet another Prothean artifact? It was like the old times all over again, something Shepard had commented on when they had headed over there.  
Eden Prime was were everything had started and it just felt right to go there again. Almost like they were starting all over again in so many ways.  
Of course, the absence of Ashley was very much noticed and Kaidan halfway expected for her to come tumbling out from behind a rock, just like she had done the first time they met. 

The fact that there was Cerberus activity and that they had to dispose of more than one group of them came as no surprise and the fact that there was a Prothean artefact on the planet was a given.   
It was the reason why Cerberus was there after all and since they had found a beacon there three years ago it came as no surprise that there had been more under the surface.

They had not, however, expected to find a stasis-pod with an actual Prothean.

A Prothean that was possibly still alive, at least for the time being.  
They just had to get rid of Cerberus first before anything could happen to the pod.

Dispatching Cerberus had been an easy enough mission: while their numbers were higher than Shepard's own ground-team, they were unorganized, clearly spending all their focus on whatever they had found on the colony.  
Thanks to the Prothean chip that was still very much part of Shepard's brain, they were unable to unearth that secret a lot quicker, hoping that whoever it was inside the pod, he or she would help them with the construction of the Crucible.

The only thing they found, however, was a Prothean with a god damned attitude.

“Well, you know me. If I find it, I will bring it on board,” Shepard had mused while Liara looked like every childhood belief she had had about Protheans had been crushed with just a few words from the alien who called himself Javik.

“Your responsibility to feed and clean up after it then,” Kaidan had deadpanned, ignoring the very unimpressed look from the alien.

It wasn’t that Javik was an unwelcome addition to their crew; if anything, the alien fit right in with the rest of them.   
It was just the sheer insanity of it all. Shepard really, really had a talent of impressing and surprising Kaidan, even when the biotic had thought he had seen it all.

Javik was, however, very hard to approach.   
Shepard had spent the better part of a day with the alien after they had boarded the Normandy, and while Javik had told them of his people's own battle with the Reapers as well as shedding light on the Protheans mysterious legacy, the conversation was tinted with snide remarks and insults. Liara had definitely gotten herself a wake-up call, having insisted on being there with Shepard when he spoke to Javik, and Kaidan could all but see the broken childhood fantasies as the Asari left the Prothean's room with a huff. Shepard had emerged a minute or so later, a bit wiser, but also having the head-ache of a millennium.   
The alien was... Proud. Proud and a bit elitist, if Kaidan was to be painfully honest. He hadn't spent a lot of time with the alien, wanting to give him space to adjust, but after a quick introduction and offer that Javik was welcome to come train with himself or Liara, being fellow biotics, Kaidan was left a little insulted and unimpressed.  
He tried not to blame the poor man though: Javik had just woken up from one nightmare to a new one. He was alone in a very distant future, facing the same enemy that had wiped out his own people and, in Javik’s own words, relying on the species that had barely discovered fire in his cycle.  
If it had been Kaidan in his shoes, the biotic was sure that he would be more than a little grumpy too, especially considering how he was before he’d gotten coffee into his system. Fifty-thousand years was one hell of a nap after all.

Besides from trying to get Javik somewhat comfortable on the Normandy, the crew didn't have much time to stand still.  
After they were done on Eden Prime, extracting information and a Prothean from stasis, the ship headed off to Bennings to help a colony that was being terrorized by Cerberus. An easy mission in its own rights and one that was pulled off without much difficulties as they waited for their next orders, but it was still a long, messy fight.

Kaidan had to admit though, it felt damn good being busy again, especially after this time on the Citadel; sitting on his ass while just waiting: waiting to be released, waiting for a ceremony, waiting to be allowed back on the Normandy.  
As things were right now, nobody was waiting for anyone.

The intel they got from Bennings was enough to keep Kaidan occupied, happily digging into the information and trying to fish out any leads or useful bits that they could use in their battle. It was bad enough that they had the Reapers on their ass, they really did not need Cerberus nipping after them as well, so any information that could give them an edge, even if it was just a small one, was good information.  
As Kaidan continued to work, he was also provided a proper oversight over all the things Shepard had done, but had not been properly mentioned by Udina, covered by the little news he had seen or brought up by Shepard.  
Not only did Shepard have the support from the Krogans and the Turians thanks to his work with the genophage, but thanks to what they had done on Virmire, helping the Salarian STG force three years ago, the STG was throwing in their help with the warfare despite the Salarian dalatrass' protests.  
He also found reports on a bomb that had been disabled, which had earned them more respect with both the Krogans and the Turians, which in turn had earned them more help.  
What was more surprising was the mentions of Aria T'Loak, the Eclipse and the Blood Pack in a report Kaidan had happened to stumble over, which just showed just how busy Shepard had been while Kaidan had been stuck in the hospital. Not only had he secured an alliance with Aria, someone Kaidan only knew by reputation, but he had gotten proper help from her as well. While the report was surprising, the actual help wasn't that surprising: Aria was, as far as Kaidan knew, an incredibly smart woman. She had to be, considering she was running Omega, and she knew that the destruction of the galaxy would be bad.

It was at times like this, working and getting an overview, that Kaidan was glad he had somewhat of his own personal space in the star-observation chamber. Nobody minded the dozens of compads that were spread around, or his own make-shift holo-screen where he "pinned" all his reports for a better view of things.

"I got to get another screen up," he mumbled to himself as he tried to separate everything, wanting to keep it as tidy as possible.  
Cerberus reports went on one side, the alliance intel in the middle and status-reports on the other, where the status-reports were getting so many that they were blending in with the intel.

"We can fix that," Shepard said as the door slid shut behind him, making Kaidan jump slightly in surprise.

"Jesus, Shepard, don't do that."

"Do what? Come into the observation-chamber on my own ship?" Shepard mused as he walked over to Kaidan, giving him a smirk. "I wasn't even that quiet."

"Well, you know how I get, when I am in the zone," Kaidan grunted, resisting the urge to roll his eyes at his Commander, but he couldn't keep the small smile off his lips.

"Boy, do I," Shepard teased before looking over Kaidan's work-screen.  
"Good job on the intel, by the way. Hackett sends his regards and thanks you for the work. Not much he can do with it, but our people on the Citadel can sure use it against the Cerberus propaganda."

"It wasn't much, but every bit helps," Kaidan replied as he touched one of his reports, enlargening it slightly.  
"I got some other intel though, from one of the reports we found at Eden Prime. I am not sure if it is relevant yet, but there is a lot of mentions of different Prothean technology. I was thinking about approaching Javik about it." He trailed off after that, not wanting to say that "but" at the end.

"Still miffed about what he said about human biotics?"

"Touched a sore-spot, but shaking it off. I'm not going to hold it against him, its not like I haven't heard it before from people that are supposed to be in our cycle, not in a cycle that has been dead and gone for several thousand years."

"Well, let me know if he turns into an asshole," Shepard said while nudging one of Kaidan's compad away with his foot. "I'll have a talk with him about manners."

"Don't worry about it," Kaidan replied, giving Shepard a half-smile. "You have more than enough to worry about as it is. You don't have to take my dignity on as well. It'll survive a couple of dents."

"That I know," Shepard murmured while bending over to pick up the compad he had nudged away.  
"You said something about needing another screen?"

"Heard that did you?"

"I have ears everywhere."

"I bet you do," Kaidan mused before looking up towards the nearest speaker. "And no, EDI, I actually don't mean you."

"I am merely observing the Normandy as per requirement, Major Alenko," EDI's voice responded through the speaker, making Kaidan chuckle.  
"I would also like to remind you that the coffee you poured yourself half an hour ago has reduced significantly in temperature."

"Thank you, EDI," Kaidan replied while Shepard shook his head.

"Well, glad to hear that you two are getting along."

"Yeah, well, it wasn't EDI who smacked me senseless after all. Just her body," the biotic replied while plucking the compad from Shepard's hand, giving it a quick look-over before placing it back between Shepard's fingers.

"True," Shepard mused, clearly amused by Kaidan's focus.  
"So, about the screen... Any specs you've thought about?"

"No," Kaidan said slowly, hands hovering over the holo-screen as he contemplated one of the reports he had from Bennings.  
"I just need one similar to this one. Doesn't have to be big." He hesitated some, brows coming down into a frown as he thought about it. "... No. No, I need one a little bigger. This one is good for like, one mission at a time. Or one report. Investigation. Whatever you want to call it, but I need a war-map, so to speak."

"So at least twice the size of the one you have now."

"Yeah, at least. Doesn't have to be fancy, just needs to be able to do the job. I'll measure the wall by the door, see if I can't fit something there-"

"I'll take care of it," Shepard said, giving Kaidan a small smile as he interrupted him mid-sentence.   
"We're heading back to the Citadel and I have an entire shopping-list to take care of. I'm sure I can get you another screen though, I'll just use some of my contacts. That or wave my spectre-status in someone's face"

Kaidan chuckled and smiled at Shepard. "Thanks, Shepard, but you don't have to wave anything in anyone's face. I'm a spectre too, remember? I can handle it."

"... Right," Shepard said slowly, letting out a small snort through his nose. "... You know, I keep forgetting, even though I am still aware of it. I am just so used to-"

"Handling everything on your own," Kaidan offered, grinning at Shepard's sheepish look. 

"Yeah. You know how it is."

"I do, and while you are my commander here on the Normandy, I am also here to help you," Kaidan reminded the Commander, crossing his arms over his chest as he turned to look at him. "Use me, Shepard."

Shepard opened his mouth while lifting his hand up, then shook his head, as if dismissing his original reply before it could escape him. "I am going to refrain from answering that and instead let you know that your offer is appreciated."

"Shepard," Kaidan laughed, leaning his upper body a little closer, one eyebrow raised.  
"I am not going to force you to take advantage of my offer to -assist- you, I am pretty sure I already know where your mind went. However, you are way over your head with work. Let me help you. I bet that you already have your shopping-list ready, yeah? Let me have a look so I can see if there is anything I can do."

"You really don't have to," Shepard said while tapping on his omnitool, bringing up a crudely written list before showing it to Kaidan.  
"It is a bit messy. I just note down what I have to remember, then I... Do it later."

"Hey, I have taken your lists before when we first met," Kaidan replied, looking over at the list. "How bad can it be?"  
After a good minute of just staring at the list, Kaidan raised an eyebrow before glancing at Shepard. "Okay, I take that back. Or do you really need an... GX12 thermal pipe for a hamster-wheel?"

"Two unrelated things," Shepard said quickly, reaching out and removing the hamster-wheel from the list. 

"Do I want to know what the hamster-wheel is about? Some sort of back-up system in case the Normandy's Eezo-core goes down?"

"Drop by my cabin at some point and I will get you two introduced."

"Right. Very informative," Kaidan replied with a small chuckle, shaking his head some while Shepard transferred his list to Kaidan's omnitool.  
"I will have a look at the list, Shepard. See if there is anything I can get there."

Shepard nodded before giving Kaidan a small smile. "... Thanks, Kaidan," he said softly. "I am so used to just... Doing everything my own way after working with Cerberus that I have forgotten how it is to have someone to lean on."

"Hopefully we can get you used to that feeling again," Kaidan said, smiling gently at Shepard as he looked up from the list, trying his best to ignore the way his heart skipped a beat when his eyes met with Shepard's own eyes.  
"Because I am here to stay now."

"Good. I wouldn't have it any other way," Shepard murmured before a silence appeared between of them, deafening and soothing at the same time as they just looked at one another.  
Kaidan could feel the way his heart pounded in his chest, could feel the heat radiating from Shepard's body. 

It was weird. Even after so long, even after their talks, Kaidan still felt like a giddy school-boy when around Shepard, wanting so badly to go back to what they had, but knowing that it just wasn't that easy.

While Shepard hadn't pushed him away or treated him any differently, he had also not really responded or acted on Kaidan's offers on talks.  
Not that Kaidan could blame him on that: Shepard had more than enough on his plate and knowing him, he had probably not even had time to think about what Kaidan had told him.

Still, it would be nice to know if the fire was still there or if it was just the dying embers Kaidan felt every time he was near Shepard.  
Like the warmth he felt right that moment as he looked into Shepard's eyes.

He was so close now, so painfully close...

Shepard.  
Commander John Shepard.

He had been scarred, bruised, when they had seen each other on Horizon; a tell-tale sign of what he had gone through after his resurrection, but now... Shepard looked exactly has he had when they had seen each other before the accident.  
The same hair-cut. The same scars. The same blue eyes.  
The only thing Kaidan did not know was if that skin felt the same against his skin. If those lips felt the same way as they had back then.

It would be so easy to just lean forward and see for himself...

"Bridge to Commander Shepard."

Shepard shook his head some, seemingly awakening from some sort of trancelike state before glancing towards the speaker. "What is it, EDI?"

"I am sorry for disturbing, but there is an urgent call from Hackett. He wishes to speak to you."

Shepard let out a groan, pinching the bridge between his eyes before nodding. "Okay. Tell him I'm there in two minutes. If I am to spend another half-hour on the holo, I'm going to need some coffee."

"Of course, Commander."

Kaidan gave Shepard a small, apologetic smile. "The Commander's work is never done, huh?"

"Doesn't seem like it," Shepard sighed, running his hand over his head. "I guess I'll get that coffee. I bet you the second Hackett's off the holo, someone else is going to call me."

"I am not willing to take that bed," Kaidan mused, smirking some before nodding his head towards Shepard's omnitool. "Leave that list with me, okay? I'll start on the applications, get them sent off so we can pick them up when we hit the Citadel. When was the ETA?"

"Two days," Shepard said, quickly sending over the remainder of the list to Kaidan.  
"And thank you again, Kaidan. If you can do this, it'll be a lot of help."

"If it means you getting five minutes to yourself, then I am more than happy to do this for you, Shepard."

"You are too kind," Shepard smiled as he headed back towards the door.  
"And if you get any trouble when it comes to the screen, let me know, okay?"

"Will do, Shepard. Just take five when you can."

"I intend to."

"Why don't I believe you?"

Shepard merely chuckled and vanished out the door, leaving Kaidan with the lists and his thoughts.  
The biotic looked over them, quickly making notes on where he could get what. At least his down-time on the Citadel had given him a somewhat decent overview over where everything was located, especially after the number Sovereign had done on the place three years ago.

Three years...

It was strange to think about: all that time apart because of something that was so much bigger than themselves. Something bigger than the entire galaxy and yet everything was put on the shoulders of one man.  
One very special man, but still just a man.

One very special man that Kaidan so desperately wanted to help.

"Baby-steps, Alenko," he murmured to himself, sighing some as he looked over the lists again, sitting down onto one of the chairs to start his work. He had letters to send and reports to complete, and since he was the second human spectre, he had also taken it upon himself to be the one reporting progresses and findings to the Councillors.

"Baby-steps."

He started filling out the needed requisition-forms, specifying what he needed and why as well as making a proper "shopping-list" over things he could just order without too much fuzz. He also opened up another form he had worked on, requesting new and proper armour for when they were doing ground-missions. The blue armour was nice, but it had nothing extra going for it and Kaidan needed something lighter and more practical to fight in.  
Still, as he worked, there was a part of him working on something else entirely. Something that he felt was long overdue.

Something, he felt, both he and Shepard needed.

Looking at the half-filled out requisition letter, Kaidan bit his bottom lip before deciding "to heck with it" and opened up a new e-mail.  
His fingers hovered over the keyboard of his compad before he started typing a rather personal letter to his one and only Commander.

_"Subject: Dinner_

_Hey Shepard,_

_I don't know about you, but I could sure use a little breather. Next time we're on the Citadel, let me buy you dinner. We should try Apollo's. It's that little restaurant in the courtyard overlooking the Presidium._

_Kaidan"_


	42. Sanity-Check

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Shepard and Kaidan decide that a sanity-check is in order.
> 
> Finally, the long awaited reunion of the two of them! I know this has been a long-time coming and I just wanted it just perfect.  
> In the end, I decided to split it into two because I wanted to add in a little bonus. Hopefully that part will be out in not too long! ;D
> 
> For now, enjoy!

One could say many things about the Citadel and its Keepers, but nobody could deny that they were quick and efficient.  
It was hard to see that just a couple of weeks ago there had been a battle going on, but as Kaidan wandered down the Presidium, he could hardly see a dent in the white-coloured walls. If he didn't know better, he would say there hadn't been a battle there at all.

Despite the Keepers best efforts though, Kaidan could see the telltale signs here and there. A blackened building that had once been a shop, still closed down.  
Certain areas that were still under construction, but that had been put far down on the list of priorities.  
At least they had managed to scrub the blood off the pristine white and silver surfaces.

Of course, the biggest sign was the fact that the humans no longer had a human councillor and as far as Kaidan knew, the Council was half-tempted to ask for Admiral Anderson to take up that post again.   
Nothing was definite though, Anderson was more than a little busy on Earth and appointing a new human councillor was not even a blip on humanity's radar. After all, if humanity was wiped away, there was little to no point to appoint a new human councillor.

For now though, time seemed to have once again slowed to an almost snail's pace at the Citadel, with made Kaidan feel a bit sad.  
He knew there were so many refugees at the camps by the docking stations all over the Citadel, many with nowhere to go, all with different level of losses. He wanted to go down there and do something, but he also knew he couldn't do anything. He had tried when he was trying to occupy himself at the Citadel while waiting for the ceremony, but C-Sec had told him that there wasn't much he could do besides making donations, something Kaidan had gladly done. It was the least he could do after all.   
For now, the best thing he could do was focus all his efforts on the Reaper threat so that the people would have a planet to go home to.   
At least that was the plan and common goal for all those affected.

Checking the time on his omnitool, Kaidan saw that he still had some time to kill before his meeting with Shepard at Apollo's, trying his best to ignore the flutter in his chest from the thought of having a hopefully relaxing meeting with his ex-lover.  
Shepard had been very fast at responding to his e-mail, sending a clear, but simple message:

_"Sure. Just say when."_

Ever since then, Kaidan had gone through what he wanted to say over and over again in his mind, wanting to be clear on how he felt, where he stood and what he wanted. He wanted all the cards on the table so that the two of them could see if there was anything to salvage or if Kaidan had been seeing things that weren't there anymore.

This was the reason why he was currently pacing up the avenue of the Presidium, glancing at the stores, but not really looking at anything.

Their "date" was still an hour or so away, but Kaidan had been feeling restless, waiting for the minutes to slowly tick by as he -tried- to get some work done on the Normandy. In the end, he had given up and opted to get some errands done on the Citadel, since he had been so nice and offered Shepard to do the work.

That had taken a lot less time than he had expected (he still had to get used to just how much weight the title "Spectre" had in the different shops) and now he was back to killing time.  
He had even taken the time to go to the armoury to place an order on a new set of armour for himself, not content with the one he had. They still had his measurements and the only thing Kaidan had to do was pick out the one he wanted, which he had already done when he was playing guard for the Council.  
This in turn had brought him back to square one, so to speak. Plenty of errands done, though feeling like he was nowhere close to his meeting with Shepard.

"How pathetic would I be if I just... Walk over there now and wait," he mumbled to himself, carefully running his fingers through his hair in frustration.  
"... And how pathetic am I for standing here, talking to myself about this?"

"Depends on how loudly you speak to yourself. I find just loud enough to make it sound like you are just thinking works out the best."

Kaidan jumped slightly before turning around, breathing out a sight of relief when he saw Liara's own amused face behind him.

"Jesus, Liara. You scared the shit out of me."

"I'm sorry, Kaidan," Liara mused, walking over to the human biotic, giving him a pat on the shoulder. "You just looked so lost in thought that I couldn't resist."

"I was that bad, huh?"

"Pretty much."

Kaidan let his lips tug into a small smile, a gesture Liara returned before she gestured down the Presidium pathway with her hand. "Perhaps you want to accompany me for a walk? Or do you have somewhere to be?"

"I do, but not yet. As long as I'm by Apollo's in about an hour, I'm game."

"Wonderful," Liara replied, gesturing for Kaidan to follow her.  
"I could do with some company."

"Yeah? Anything on your mind?" Kaidan asked as they started walking together, keeping a slow, comfortable pace.

"A lot of things, actually," Liara admitted, smiling some at Kaidan.  
"Thinking about the old days, mostly, when my mother was still alive. I need some time to process it."

"What brought that on?"

"I was watching the park from the Presidium and it reminded me of where I grew up," Liara murmured softly, placing her hands behind her back as they walked.  
"Shepard bumped into me there. I'd watched him talk to Joker and EDI earlier, and when he saw me, he stopped by. We talked some. About my mother, about my childhood. It was... Nice. A nice distraction."

"Yeah?" Kaidan smiled some, trying not to start looking around to see if Shepard was still about.  
"Sounds like it was nice."

"It was. Shepard is a dear friend, one of the few I have," Liara replied, then flashed Kaidan a warm smile. "He is one of the few people that understand me, except you. I count you both as family, Kaidan."

"The feeling is mutual, Liara," Kaidan murmured, smiling some as he gently bumped his shoulder against her, a chuckle escaping him when he heard a laugh escape from Liara as well.  
"You're like the little sister I never had."

"Don't you mean big sister," Liara mused, winking at Kaidan, who just chuckled in return.

"Yeah, okay. Big sister."

"I consider both you and Shepard like my brothers. At least when I got over my crushes."

"Crushes, huh? You had more than one?"

Liara's light-blue cheeks took on a more dark hue as she looked down, a shy smile on her lips. "Well... Shepard was my first crush. I know I was... Painfully obvious about it. I just hadn't met a man quite like him, but once it faded... I saw a brother in him. Family. A friend."

"Sure, I get that," Kaidan said, not wanting to pry into Liara's personal bubble. God knew he wasn't sure if he wanted anyone to pry into his own crushes.

"My second crush was you, actually."

Kaidan blinked his eyes in surprise, one eyebrow rising up far enough to almost meet his hairline. "Me?"

Liara nodded. "Yes, I... I had never met another human biotic and your grasp on something that is not natural for humans, your intellect, your-"  
She trailed off, lifting her shoulders slowly up as she thought about what to say before slowly shrugging. "-your integrity. You never left it. Never violated it, but you also never let it control you. You were always able to see the right in things and that is something I greatly respected and tried to copy, even after Shepard's death. Or... Sort-off death. For a while, I think my crushed on you two merged a little bit. It was... Awkward."

"Oh, I... I see," Kaidan replied, feeling his own cheeks burning ever so slightly. "I... I am flattered, Liara. I never knew."

"You weren't supposed to. I think Shepard knew though. About both of the crushes I had. I think he found it a bit amusing. Not in a cruel way, of course," Liara added quickly, looking towards Kaidan.  
"I... Hope I haven't made this awkward now."

"No, no, of course not. Crushes happen, it's hardly something that can be controlled." Kaidan smiled some at Liara, trying to make her feel better.  
"I mean, I am flattered, I really am."

"Well, I am glad. I have grown now and I know that there's more to it than just admiration, of course. I suppose I was just inexperienced when it came to emotions like that, having been so focused on my research. Now that I know a little more, I am not sure if it was real crushes or just strong admiration."

"It doesn't matter," Kaidan reassured her. "I am flattered either way and I am sure Shepard is too. Besides, there's nothing wrong with having a crush. I've had plenty and I am still standing."

Liara gave him a timid, but grateful smile back. "I am glad to hear you say that, Kaidan. And while I know it is normal, a part of life, it is still a little embarrassing. You hear so many things after all. People misunderstanding and such. And I know I was not exactly... Subtle, when it came to Shepard. I am sure everyone knew, so I was a little worried that I was just as-," Liara started to trail off, pulling a slight face before finding a suitable word. "-enthusiastic about my interest in you."

Kaidan let out a chuckle and grinned at Liara. "I can assure you that I didn't notice at least. But friends have told me that I wouldn't recognise anyone being interested in me unless they hit me in the face with a brick. ... Or something like that."

That earned a chuckle from Liara, which in turn made Kaidan feel happy as well. He liked making Liara smile.

"That makes two of us," she mused before glancing at her omnitool when a series of beeps emitted from it.  
"I hate to cut our walk short, but it seems like Glyph has found some information from me."

"Its fine, I should head back to Apollo," Kaidan said before reaching out, placing a hand on Liara's shoulder before squeezing it.  
"You know, taking five minutes to yourself won't hurt anyone. Even if it feels like it these days."

Liara gave Kaidan a faint smile. "I know, Kaidan. That goes for you as well, just in case you happen to forget."

"Hey, I am taking my five minutes right now," Kaidan grinned, making Liara laugh again.

"Then you are better than me, Kaidan."

"Let's just say I am motivated to take a break right now," Kaidan mused, hoping his cheeks weren't as red as they felt like.

Liara just eyed him for a moment before smiling. "I hope everything works out for the two of you again," she murmured softly before turning to leave, no further explanation to what she had just said.

"W-what," was the only thing Kaidan managed to stutter out, but Liara did nothing except turning her head towards Kaidan for a moment, flashing him what could only be described as an encouraging smile before continuing down towards the main shopping area of the Presidium, leaving a very confused Kaidan behind.

He stood there for a while, just trying to pull himself together before managing to snap out of it.  
It wasn't entirely unsurprising that she knew, considering that she was the new Shadowbroker (which was a surprise in itself, but that had been one hell of a story), but they had been together before that had happened.  
There had been no e-mails, no real messages that indicated that they had had something else but a professional relationship.

Then again, maybe she was just better at reading people than she thought she was.  
That or they had just been a heck of a lot more obvious than first believed.

Letting out a small chuckle, Kaidan shook his head as he turned around to head back to Apollo's. In a way, it was nice that someone knew what had been and that seemingly supported them, even wanting them back together again.

He just hoped Shepard wanted the same.

The walk back to Apollo's didn't take long, but the second Kaidan sat down by an available table, it felt like time stopped completely.  
He didn't want to seem desperate by looking around or checking the time too often, but he also didn't want to look stupid by sitting alone even though he knew that nobody would notice it or give a damn. Looking for something he could do to make the time pass, Kaidan picked up the menu on the table, immediately making himself busy by studying it, wondering if they had anything else that would go nicely with steak.

"See anything good?"

"I see plenty, but I don't know if they actually serve all they have listen here," Kaidan replied, looking up from the menu and flashing Shepard a smile as the Commander came walking up towards the table, dressed casually. At least as casually as a soldier could, though the black N7 hoodie Shepard was wearing over his t-shirt Normandy was a nice touch. Made him a little envious because it looked damned comfy.  
"Surprised this place can still get supplies for a menu like this or if they just haven't updated their charts."

"Could be," Shepard replied while taking a seat next to Kaidan, giving him a grin of his own. "But maybe it's better if we don't ask how... or where."

"And now I am not that hungry anymore. Thanks," Kaidan laughed while offering Shepard the menu, who took it.  
"Though I'm glad we are taking the time to do this. I could use a sanity check."

"Things have been pretty crazy," Shepard agreed while slowly scrolling down the menu with the tip of his finger.

"Yeah, no shit," Kaidan replied, already feeling more at ease from just having Shepard there, but also feeling his nerves coiling around in his belly because of what he was planning to do.  
"I don't think I've had the time to really think since I was released from the hospital and I am not sure if that is a good thing since I had way too much time to think when I was there."

"Well, that is kinda your thing, isn't it. Over-thinking?" Shepard teased, making Kaidan roll his eyes. 

"Okay, maybe from time to time, but I've gotten better at it."

"You've gotten better at many things, Kaidan," Shepard replied, giving Kaidan a downright soft, tender smile.

Kaidan let out a small chuckle, feeling his cheeks burning with heat from the unexpected compliment.  
"Yeah, you... you said so at the hospital too," he murmured softly before clearing his throat. "Practice makes perfect and all that jazz."

"So they keep telling me," Shepard chuckled.

"I am glad you said yes to meeting me though," Kaidan repeated, giving Shepard a small smile. "You know, my life flashed in front of my eyes on Mars and-," he trailed off as he gestured to the two of them. "-and there weren't enough moments like this, with people I care about."

Shepard tilted his head some and put the menu down, crossing his arms over the metal table as he leaned a little forward. "How are you feeling these days," he murmured, his voice warm. "Is it too much, being back in active duty like this? You tired? I know you were pulled back in a bit fast, a couple of weeks couldn't have been enough -"

"Easy, Shepard," Kaidan said, holding his hand up to still the torrent of words coming from his commander. "I'm fine, I promise. I'm feeling up to whatever the Reapers may throw at me. And grateful that I convinced you to sit down for half a second and relax," he added, giving Shepard a teasing smile.

"The pot calling the kettle black," Shepard smirked back before the smirk turned back into a softer smile. "But I'm glad you sent me that mail, Kaidan. I think this is a good time for us to have a heart-to-heart. A proper heart-to-heart."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." Shepard lifted a hand and rubbed at the back of his neck, shrugging his shoulders a little. "I don't know about you, but... I felt a lot was left unsaid at the hospital. We managed to clear the air, but..."

"But there's still something missing?"

"Exactly."

"Glad I am not the only one who thinks that," Kaidan replied, the left corner of his mouth tugging upwards into a nervous half-smile.

"Then lets rectify that," Shepard murmured before nodding his head towards the menu as he picked it back up. "What are you drinking?"

"If you're trying to butter me up, it might take a nice steak sandwich, too," Kaidan murmured, making Shepard snort through his nose.

"So... Give it to me. I got deep pockets."

"And I got a bottom-less stomach," Kaidan replied as he sat back onto his chair. "Shot of whiskey and a good old Canadian lager. Think they have it?"

"More likely to have Batarian shard wine," Shepard replied with a raised eyebrow as he glanced over at Kaidan. "And you didn't tell me you'd be an expensive date."

"Canadian lager is not expensive," Kaidan protested, though the smile didn't leave his lips.  
"I mean, at my parents place in Vancouver, it was the drink of choice. Drank more than a few beers on their balcony, looking over English bay," he added softly as his eyes trailed towards the balcony-area at Apollo's, taking in the view of the lower Presidium. "... Yeah, beautiful view."

"I'd like to see it someday," Shepard murmured softly as Kaidan turned his head back to look at his commander, making the human biotic smile.

"Maybe you will," he murmured. "Because you know what though? I feel good about our chances."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Lets me sleep better at night."

"You not sleeping, Kaidan?" Shepard immediately asked, the concern so evident in his voice that Kaidan immediately regretted even joking about it.

"Maybe a little restless," he admitted, then wincing as he felt the tip of Shepard's boot nudge him in the leg. "Okay, so a little restless, but who isn't? There's a pretty big enemy out there, creating havoc so I think all of us are a bit sleepless. If not, you are a heart-less bastard or possibly on Valium."

"Or become best friends with a bottle of something strong that will possibly burn off the paintjob on the Normandy."

"Like Batarian shard-wine?"

"That or Ryncol."

"... You've had Ryncol, Shepard?"

"... Once. Can't remember much when I had it, though Garrus seemed to be extremely entertained by whatever shit I did."

"I think I need to hear that story," Kaidan replied with a small smile. "I take it this was during your... Well. Those days?"

"Yeah," Shepard admitted his smile weak. "It... Was one of my less-than-thought-out decisions. Just something in my head that said it was a good idea at the time."

"Probably the same voice that tells you you can fly when you're at the top of very tall buildings."

"Probably. That voice is such an asshole."

Kaidan let out a chuckle and shook his head. "Yeah... Yeah, it is, but sometimes the voice is helping as well."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. It makes you do things that you normally would be too scared of doing."

"Like?" Shepard asked softly, leaning his elbows on the table again, hand still holding onto the menu.

Kaidan hesitated for a moment before deciding to actually listening to the voice, hoping it wasn't being an asshole this time.  
"Like... Going for what you want. Everything you want," he said quietly, looking down at the table while trying to actually remember the things he had practiced in his head, but finding that he had forgotten just about everything.  
"It's just-," he started, grimacing some as he struggled with finding the words. "-you plan a career, you focus, then suddenly the world is ending and it's too late to... find someone."

"Someone?"

Kaidan swallowed as he looked towards Shepard, willing himself to be the brave one, but the complete neutral look on Shepard face was enough to make his heart beat hard against his chest until he was certain that the entire restaurant could hear it.  
"Yeah, someone," he murmured softly. "I've got my taste and I've always looked for someone... Strong and confident. Someone I admire, respect and enjoy being with. Someone handsome." He gave a weak smile as he allowed himself to meet Shepard's eyes for just a moment, then immediately looked away. "Tall order, I know. But I don't really have to look far," he finished as he studied his hands.

"Kaidan..."

"I know, I know," Kaidan quickly said, holding his hands up. "... I messed up. Things... Won't be like they were, back then. We've been friends a long time, Shepard and... Have you ever known me to be with anyone, except you? I mean, I tried, when I thought you were gone and... I couldn't. The second I knew you were alive, I just... Couldn't. Maybe I'm just choosy or patient or... I don't know. But maybe what I never found, what I want is something deeper with someone that I already... Care about," he finished as he allowed himself to finally meet Shepard's eyes properly.  
"And I care about you, Shepard. I never stopped. I don't think I could stop. And that's what I want."  
He swallowed, trying to read his commander's face. "... What do you want?"

"You and me," Shepard asked softly, tilting his head a little. "Is that what you are saying, Kaidan?"

"It felt right then," Kaidan murmured while slowly scooting his hand towards Shepard's on the table, but not close enough to actually touch him. "And it feels right now. Doesn't it?"

"Be nice to have someone to turn to when things get grim," Shepard murmured as he looked away, seemingly deep in thought. "Someone to live for. Maybe love."

"Someone?" Kaidan asked carefully, the insecurity he felt auditable in his voice. 

"You, Kaidan," Shepard finally said as he looked back at the biotic, a warm, tender look on his face. "Because you are right. It does. It does feel right. It felt right then and it still feels right now. After all this time."  
He let out a chuckle before reaching out with his own hand, covering Kaidan's hand with it gently before giving it a squeeze. "You and me. I like that. A lot."

Kaidan couldn't help but let out a chuckle of relief and he was willing to bet every credit he had in the bank that his smile was threatening to split his face in two. "And that... makes me so happy," he whispered before letting the smile turn more cheeky. "And there are benefits to that happiness."

"Really?" Shepard asked, his own, warm look turning on a more playful appearance.

"Yes, really," Kaidan mused, turning his hand so that their palms were resting against one another, fingers entwining together.  
"Regulations be damned on that, I say."

"We have damned them before, I can't say I mind damning them again," Shepard mused as he squeezed Kaidan's hand again. "What did you call it? A sanity check?"

"Mhmm," Kaidan hummed. "Sanity check."


	43. You and Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Shepard and Kaidan takes their talk somewhere more private, only to discover that sometimes, actions speaks louder than words.  
> For those who are not interested in smut, feel free to skip this chapter as it is just me further cementing their reunion. :)

The conversation seemed to flow more easily after they had finally put all the cards on the table, the mood having gone to easy and relaxed as they selected a more or less safe dish to eat.  
Shepard was more than happy to provide Kaidan with a steak sandwich, selecting something that Kaidan would only barely call a burrito for himself to eat. It didn't stop the Commander from nicking several of Kaidan's French fries from his plate until the Major hit his hand with the flat of his knife. All the while, they just couldn't keep their eyes from each other and while they occupied their hands with their food, their feet bumped together by "accident" on more occasions than one.  
It was like being fifteen years old again, except they were highly trained marines in their early- and late thirties, and if Kaidan wasn't feeling so ridiculously happy about it, he might have worried every so slightly about how silly they probably seemed. 

Maybe.

What was even better was the fact that so far, nothing seemed awkward. The teasing came easily from both of them and while they were both refrained from flirting, Kaidan had no qualms with staring into Shepard's eyes and giving him what he suspected was a dreamy smile.

All too soon the food was gone and after Kaidan finished up the less-than-stellar whiskey, Shepard nodded his head in the direction of the docking-bay. "Want to head back to the Normandy," he smiled. "Or do you want to take a stroll on the Presidium?"

"I've had enough strolls on the Presidium to last me a life-time," Kaidan replied while fishing up his credit-chit, only to have Shepard shake his head and getting up.

"It's on me."

"I believe I asked you out first," Kaidan protested, but Shepard only grinned and headed to the counter before Kaidan could physically stop him.  
As soon as the bill was taken care of, they walked together out of the restaurant, shoulders bumping and brushing lightly against one another. They walked slowly, taking their time and just talking about whatever came to their minds.

"So," Shepard said after a moment of just walking in silence, glancing towards Kaidan.   
"How long have you wanted to do this?"

"Confessing, asking you out or just relaxing?" Kaidan asked, smiling at Shepard.

"All of the above?"

"A while," Kaidan said, feeling his cheeks redden slightly. "Probably too long, but I wasn't sure if it was... Appropriate. It had been a long time and we had things to air out. So I just kept it to myself."

"That made two of us then," Shepard murmured, smiling some at Kaidan.  
"I wanted to talk to you about... Things so much sooner, but I was-" He turned silent, wrinkling his nose some as he thought about his next words before finally continuing. "In all honesty, I was scared. You reacted pretty hard on Mars and I was honestly scared of loosing you completely. When I saw you again after the trials, I knew you would always be professional enough to work with me now, especially in this, but I wanted you -with- me, one way or the other. As friends or... More than friends. Not just a detached team-member."

Kaidan let out a small chuckle. "Well, glad that I wasn't the only one who was afraid. This feels a bit stupid now because it was so easy to solve when thinking about it."

"Yeah," Shepard murmured. "But getting the words out is hard because there's that 'what if' lingering in the background."

"That 'what if' is seriously scary, huh?"

"Scary as hell," Shepard agreed before looking over at Kaidan. His face was warm, the smile soft and the eyes seemed to almost glow with something that Kaidan couldn't quite put his finger on.  
He could feel his heart skip a beat as he felt Shepard's arm ghost around his shoulder, then placing it more firmly down, squeezing Kaidan closer to him for a moment before releasing him again.   
"But now that the words are out... I feel better. Loads better."

"Yeah. Me too," Kaidan replied softly, leaning a little against his new-found lover, letting their shoulders bump together.

The trip was over all to fast and soon they were wandering down the docks, watching as the Normandy grew larger and larger as they walked towards her.  
Kaidan wasn't sure how to act around Shepard once on-board, not really sure just how "out" they were going to be with everything.  
They had to keep it professional, certainly, and he didn't want to rub his new-found relationship in anyone's face, but at the same time, he didn't want to hide it either. Fraternization wasn't exactly something he was worried about, not at time like this and if the Alliance honestly wanted to court-martial them for that, then he would gladly take it.

"Think you have time for another quick drink," Shepard asked, smiling at Kaidan as they reached the pathway up to the Normandy, stopping outside the door that would take them inside the frigate.  
"Or is it getting past your bedtime?"

"I think I can handle another drink," Kaidan smirked. "The evening is still young and I do believe you promised to show me your hamster."

"That I did," Shepard murmured before pressing the button to the decompression room. As soon as the door slid open, he gestured for Kaidan to enter first.  
"After you?"

"Pulling your whole "officer and a gentleman" act again?" Kaidan asked with a smirk as he stepped inside the decompression room, quickly followed by Shepard.

"Well, it somewhat worked before, if memory serves me correct."

"Didn't I say something about the poor gentleman being left out?"

"Ouch. Stings just as much now as it did then," Shepard mused, making Kaidan laughed after the scanner finished the body-scan and the door to the ship itself slid open.

"I'll try my best to ease the sting," Kaidan murmured, giving Shepard a small grin as he saw the faint tint of red that appeared on the tips of Shepard's ears.

"I am sure you will," the Commander said quietly instead before walking them over to the elevator, letting Kaidan step inside first before joining him, pressing the button to his room.  
"EDI," he called out as he looked up towards the elevator speaker. "The Major and I will be preoccupied for a few hours. Hold any messages unless it is of high importance."

"Yes, Commander," EDI's robotic voice answered while Kaidan just chuckled.

"A few hours, huh?"

"Well, even if you don't stay that long, I can use the excuse to grab a nap," Shepard responded with a grin.

"Oh, is that how it's going to be? I am your excuse now?" Kaidan teased, making Shepard nudge him semi-hard in the side.  
"Hey, hey, I don't mind. I can be an excuse."

"You know, it's only now I remember how your sense of humour is," Shepard smirked, stepping into his cabin as the door to the elevator slid open.  
"You spent entirely too much time with Ash."

"Not as much as I would have liked," Kaidan murmured quietly, then immediately regretted it as he saw the slight grimace on Shepard's face.

"Yeah," the Commander murmured after a moment while walking over to a small cabinet, opening it and fetching a bottle and two glasses from it before shutting it again with his elbow.  
"That goes for the both of us."

"Sorry, Shepard, I didn't mean to dra-"

"Don't," Shepard said quickly, giving Kaidan a small, but warm smile as he put the glasses on the table, then opened the bottle.  
"Apologize, I mean. It's nice, talking about her. With you. Remembering the things we did together."

Kaidan nodded slowly, crossing his arms over his chest as he slowly walked into the room, mindful of the small set of stairs.  
"Yeah. It's been a while since we did that last."

"Yeah." Shepard tipped the bottle slightly, filling up the first glass with the amber liquid before picking it up and offering it to Kaidan, who took it with a smile and a soft "thanks". While he filled up the second glass, Kaidan started looking around, only now seeing what was actually inside Shepard's cabin.

"... You have a fish-tank."

"Nothing wrong with your eyes," Shepard chuckled, watching as Kaidan turned around to look at it. "Bit slow on the uptake though."

"Sorry, I was focusing on other things," Kaidan replied with a small smirk, taking a sip from the whiskey as he admired the fishes that swam around.  
"Besides, I thought you had a hamster?"

"I do," Shepard chuckled, passing Kaidan as he walked up the few steps to the upper platform, heading towards the small office-area. He put his drink down by a framed picture that was resting on his desk before reaching up towards the small hamster-cage. "I'd take him out, but he's sleeping and tends to be a bit grouchy if I start fuzzing with him."

"Sounds like someone else I know," Kaidan smirked as he followed Shepard, watching as his Commander lured the small hamster out of its "house" with a small treat.  
"Huh... Well, I'd be damned."

"You doubted me?" Shepard smirked as the hamster grabbed the treat from his fingers, pulling the hand back and securing the cage so the hamster couldn't escape.

"I had some difficulties picturing you with a hamster. The fishes, I can get behind those, but a hamster was... Well."

Shepard chuckled softly and reached over to his drink, picking it up and taking a sip from it. "I bought him on a whim, when I was on Omega," he murmured after swallowing. "Being with Cerberus, with nobody I could really turn to, I just... I needed distractions. I started with model-ships, but it wasn't the same."

As Shepard gestured to the glass-wall, Kaidan let out a small chuckle as he saw the collection of model-ships and shuttles on the inside. "Wow, that's... That's one hell of a collection."

"I needed a hobby," Shepard said while leaning slightly against the desk, but Kaidan could see the pride on Shepard's face as the Commander looked at his collection.  
"I remembered that you told me that having a hobby was good. I started reading a lot, but getting books were hard and I had a tendency to start working instead of reading if I got them on my compad. But with the models, it was different. It was challenging and I could see the progress I made while building and painting them."

"And the hamster and fish?"

"The fish was more for... Decoration, for lack of a better word. It was soothing, watching the tank when I was up here, working. The hamster was company."

Kaidan looked over to Shepard, tilting his head some as he studied the Commander. "You were lonely, huh..?"

"Yeah," Shepard murmured, his voice tugging into a small, but wishful smile. "I mean, I got to know the crew after a while, and having Joker, Chakwas, Tali and Garrus with me helped. But it was a bit-." Shepard stopped, nipping at his whiskey as he thought about what he was saying.   
"-it was bittersweet," he concluded after a few seconds of silence. "Because I knew that there was a huge chance that we wouldn't come back alive."

Kaidan just nodded, listening to Shepard in silence as the Commander spoke.

"It was a suicide mission," Shepard continued as he pushed himself away from the desk, heading past Kaidan and back down to the couch-area.  
"It was just about the first thing they told me. That they needed me for a mission that would probably cost me my life and the life of my crew. And that was the worse part. They picked people I had never met that were ready to give up their lives for me as well as people they knew I cared about. And they were all ready to die for me."

"They knew how to get your focus. Your attention and loyalty," Kaidan murmured, slowly following Shepard over to the couch.  
"They knew that you wouldn't slack when there were important people at stake. That you wouldn't dare to be reckless."

"Yeah," Shepard murmured, looking at Kaidan. "It was easy to understand that, but by then, I just... Went with it. Nobody else was doing anything and because I was dead, I couldn't get help. Anderson and Hackett tried, but by the time my status changed, my tie with Cerberus was getting known, which ruined even more."  
He shook his head some. "I hated every second of it. I never trusted them. Never trusted -him-."

"The Illusive Man?"

"Yeah. I knew he had an agenda the second he spoke to me, but I had no proof. No reason to say no."  
Shepard let out a small snort before looking at the remaining whiskey in his glass, moving his hand so the amber liquid moved around in the glass.  
"You were right, on Horizon. I felt somewhat grateful for the fact that they had given me life again, so I could continue to fight."

"You were also right though," Kaidan said, moving closer to Shepard so he could place his hand on his shoulder.  
"I was short-sighted. I knew about what was going on after Horizon and while I tried to do my part, I... I was unnecessarily harsh. Yes, Cerberus was and still is scum, but at least they were doing something at the time."

Shepard chuckled softly. "Maybe if we had knocked our heads together, we would have both seen the light, huh?"

"Maybe," Kaidan mused, smiling some at Shepard. "Probably wouldn't have harmed."

"Probably not." Shepard brought the glass to his lips again, taking another drink before looking into Kaidan's eyes. "... I asked about you, you know. Both Anderson and Cerberus, but they all stonewalled me. Cerberus because I think they knew that... You would have been my liability. There was no way in hell I could have let you die, not on my watch, and that could have jeopardized the mission. And Anderson didn't want me to drag you with me, just in case I would end up causing your death, one way or the other. I am grateful for that now, in a way."

"You... Wanted me with you?"

"Hell yeah," Shepard said, smiling some at Kaidan. "I asked you on Horizon, but the second I asked, I regretted it, in a way. Because I knew that if you were not with me, then maybe, just maybe, you would be safe. That and your anger kind of motivated me."

Kaidan let out a laugh. "Motivated you?"

"Yeah." The Commander lifted his hand and gently stroked his fingers over Kaidan's arm. "Because I knew I couldn't die with you being mad at me. So I had to make sure I survived so I could start working on you forgiving me."

"Could have fooled me. I mean, you didn't even answer my message."

"Oh, I wanted to," Shepard murmured as he leaned his head a little closer, letting his forehead gently touch Kaidan's. "I had so much I wanted to say. I recorded at least five messages, but... I couldn't send them because they all felt like me saying "good-bye". In the end, I decided to just... Tell you everything in person. Which didn't happen either because of all the shit that happened with the Batarians."

"Things certainly didn't go our way, did they," Kaidan murmured, his body already shivering slightly, just from having Shepard close to him like this, their foreheads touching.

"I dunno," Shepard murmured. "Seems like things are going pretty good now."

"Yeah... They are, aren't they?"

Kaidan didn't know who leaned in first; him or Shepard, but the end result was all that mattered. It was soft, slightly hesitant, just their lips pressing against one another as they shared their first kiss since their reunion, and it was just as Kaidan remembered.   
Shepard's lips were just as soft, his kisses just as firm as they had been two years ago.  
"Shepard," he whispered, but Shepard didn't answer, at least not with words.  
Instead he broke the kiss long enough to put his whiskey-glass away onto the table so he could put both of his hands on Kaidan's hips. He looked into Kaidan's eyes, his own eyes questioning, silently asking of this was okay and the only thing Kaidan could do was nod his head.

Yes.   
Yes, this was okay.  
More than okay.

He disposed of his own glass onto the table so he could bring both hands up to Shepard's shoulders, letting them slide over the soft fabric of the hoodie and up to his neck, letting his fingertips caress over warm, soft skin.  
They eyes met again, locking and as Kaidan took a deep breath in, it was like a dam broke between them.   
The hands on his hips slid around his waist as Shepard tugged him flush against his body, his mouth pressing hard against Kaidan's, who in turn responded by wrapping his arms firmly around Shepard's shoulders, one hand gripping at the hoodie, the other going for the back of Shepard's head so he couldn't break the kiss.

It was like the night before Ilos all over again; the desperation to feel one another, to feel the warmth of another human being, to express all the things they wanted and needed to say, but couldn't find the words...  
Just like then, there was a chance that this was all they could have. They could die tomorrow because of the Reapers and the thought of that just made Kaidan all the more desperate.

They had lost two years because of the Collectors, another eight months thanks to Cerberus and their own stubbornness, and Kaidan wasn't about to waste another second.  
Shepard was here, with him, right now.   
They were together again and while there were still thing they needed to do, things they needed to say, it was just like the last time they had been together.

Hands tugged at each other's clothing, Shepard cursing as his hands caught on the sleeves of his hoodie when the biotic tried to tug it off, making Kaidan laugh as he helped Shepard free from the offending garment.  
Shepard in turn merely smirked, immediately attacking the belt around Kaidan's waist, eager to get the biotic out of the alliance uniform. As soon as the buckle came undone, Shepard threw it to the side, hands moving back around Kaidan's waist. He tugged at the biotics shirt, just enough to get the ends up from inside Kaidan's pants so he could get his hands underneath the fabric. They both let out a sigh as Shepard's warm hands trailed up over Kaidan's equally warm skin, just a hint of what was to come.

"I've missed you," Shepard whispered in-between hard kisses, breath coming out hard against Kaidan's lips. "Having you around me was driving me crazy because all I wanted to do was reaching out and touch you."

"You can touch me all you want now," Kaidan whispered back, nipping gently at Shepard's bottom lip, just to see if Shepard would reach like he used to. When a soft half-moan, half-growl escaped his lover, Kaidan couldn't help but grin.  
"In fact, I insist that you do."

"Oh, don't worry," Shepard growled, though there was a playful tone to his voice that went straight to Kaidan's groin, making him shiver slightly.  
"I plan to."

Kaidan already knew from experience that when Shepard had a plan, he would do anything to ensure its completion.  
It was one of the many things he adored about the man.

Before long, Shepard had managed to undo the buckle over Kaidan's chest before unzipping the shirt itself and getting it off the human biotic. Shepard's own t-shirt and belt got the same treatment before they both started working on getting each other's pants off. It was almost a miracle in itself that they didn't mess up more than they did as hands fumbled around one another, eager to get the other naked, but also wanted to help in getting themselves naked.   
Kaidan "won" the battle, managing to undo the front of Shepard's pants first, which earned him a push towards the bed.   
Smirking, Kaidan grabbed a hold of Shepard's arms and tugged him with him, earning a grunt from both of them as they landed onto the bed.

"So that's how it's going to be, huh?" Shepard murmured, smirking as he pushed his upper body slightly up from Kaidan's.

"What do you think," Kaidan replied with a grin of his own as he buckled his hips slightly, letting Shepard feel just what he thought about it all.

"I can get behind that," Shepard moaned before leaning down to capture Kaidan's lips with his own.  
Hands went back to wandering over firm muscles and warm skin, and Kaidan could already feel the first tingles from his biotics as Shepard broke the kiss, only to press his lips against Kaidan's neck, alternating between kissing, nipping and licking over the skin as he worked his way down over his neck and to his shoulder.

"John..."  
Shepard's name rolled of Kaidan's tongue like a prayer, and despite the fact that they were both wearing their pants and boots still, he hooked his leg around Shepard's to pull him close. He needed him close, wanted him close, and based on the almost desperate sound that came from Shepard, Kaidan was willing to bet that Shepard felt the same way.

"Major, I think I will have to request permission to get you out of those damn pants and boots," the Commander growled as he pulled his face away from Kaidan's neck, looking at the biotic with lustful eyes.  
"Or I will have to take matters into my own hands and I cannot guarantee the results if I do that."

Kaidan let out a laugh before smirking up at Shepard, lifting his hand to cup his cheek. "I'm not about to risk that so permission granted, soldier. And add your own clothes to that request."

"... That's hot," was the only thing Shepard said before he set to work, eagerly tugging off Kaidan's boots after undoing them, pants and boxers quickly following after.

"If I didn't know better, Shepard, I'd say you like it when someone commands you around," Kaidan mused, propping himself up by his elbows as Shepard pulled away from him, watching as Shepard ridded himself of his own boots.

"I like it when you do it," Shepard replied with a smirk, standing up long enough to get his pants off and while he did so, giving Kaidan a good look at his naked body as his pants and boxers slid down his legs.

The view was just as good as Kaidan remembered it.  
Shepard's body had been impressive three years ago, but the man had seemingly filled out even more now, but with the muscles, new scars had been added.  
He eyed him before reaching his hand out, his biotics flaring as he "encouraged" Shepard to come back to the bed, which made Shepard chuckle. 

"See something you like, Major?"

"Oh hell yes," Kaidan murmured as Shepard climbed back on top of him, giving the biotic a firm kiss before he rolled onto his side, bringing Kaidan with him.  
Their legs tangled together as they let their bodies press against one another, moulding together like two pieces of a puzzle.  
Hands continued to wander over each other's bodies as they focused on remapping old territory, exploring and rediscovering the good spots as well as discovering new, unfamiliar scars.  
Lips melted against one another as Shepard's hips slowly started to rotate, grinding slightly against Kaidan as their groins pressed together, making them both groan from the feeling of pleasure that came surging with the movement and before long they were both desperately rutting against one another, hands gripping, touching and feeling.

Kaidan could feel his breath quickening as he pressed his hard cock against Shepard's, could hear his own moans as the felt the hard flesh slide against his own, sandwiched and caressed by their abdomens as they moved.  
He knew they wouldn't get further than this, not today, but it was okay. The desperation to feel one another was just too great and Kaidan could already feel the pressure building in his balls. It had been too long and Shepard knew all the spots that made him pop.

"Shepard-!"

Shepard only groaned in response, hands moving to Kaidan's ass and gripping, helping in pushing him firmer against Shepard's own body, if that was even possible.  
As the pressure continued to build, Kaidan's breathing came faster and harder, small whimpers of pleasure escaping him with each rotation from their hips.   
"K," Shepard himself whispered, the letter coming out along with a needy grunt before Kaidan leaned in, mashing their lips together in a hard kiss.

Another rotation, another muffled groan.  
Almost desperately, Kaidan pushed himself hard against Shepard before feeling himself fall over the edge as if he had been pushed. With a muffled cry of Shepard's name, he felt himself come between their bodies, hips still moving as he started riding with his climax.  
Shepard's own hips started to almost frantically grind against Kaidan's before the Commander stiffened, only to have a shiver go through his body as he joined Kaidan over the edge.  
Their lips were still pressed against one another, their sounds of pleasure muffled before they broke apart, breathing hard as they slumped down onto the bed in a tangled mess.

For a while, all that could be heard in the room was their heavy breathing, which was slowly turning calmer as they came down from their high.

Then they started laughing.

It was slow at first and Kaidan was fairly sure that he was the one that started it, but he couldn't help it. As he came down from the clouds, a chuckle escaped him, then another. When Shepard himself let out a chuckle it had just spiralled from there until they were both laughing.

It was wonderful.

Opening his eyes, Kaidan was met with the downright gorgeous sight of Shepard smiling as he in turn looked at the biotic, his face relaxed and just looking so happy.

"... We just humped ourselves to completion."

"Yeah. Yeah, we did, Shepard."

"That was great."

"Yeah. Yeah, it was."

Shepard let out a chuckle as Kaidan pulled away, letting himself fall onto his back instead, one arm resting over his forehead as he tried to get the grin off his face. He could feel the bed shift as Shepard sat up, then slid off it completely.

"Just getting a washcloth," he reassured Kaidan before the biotic even asked, which in turn made Kaidan smile.

"I'm that predictable?"

"No, I just remember what you like," Shepard replied as he vanished into his washroom. Soon the sound of running water could be heard before the Commander returned to the bed with a damp cloth.   
"Let me," he murmured as Kaidan reached for it, smiling as he sat back down onto the bed and started washing the semen off Kaidan's body.

"Thanks," Kaidan murmured as he watched Shepard clean him up, then chuckling as Shepard rolled the cloth up and aimed it towards the washroom before throwing it. It landed against the closed door with a wet splat before sliding down the metal surface.  
"Good shot. Would have been more impressive if the door was actually open though."

Shepard just smirked before laying down next to Kaidan, wrapping his arm around his waist and tugging him in close.  
"I'll just have to try again later," he murmured, pressing a kiss to the biotics shoulder.

"I'll have to make sure that I am here then, to witness your victory," Kaidan murmured while shifting, lying back against his side before resting his head against Shepard's shoulder.

"I'll make room for you for the occasion."

"Sounds good to me."

Turning his head, Kaidan pressed a kiss to Shepard's still sweat-slicked shoulder before closing his eyes, breathing in deep as he let himself relax in Shepard's arms.

Maybe it was stupid, falling back into bed with his Commander after finally coming clean about what they wanted, but it felt good. It felt right.  
Sure, they had just grinded against one another like two horny teenage-boys, but it was still good. It was perfect.

It had been exactly what the both of them had needed and for the rest...  
They would figure it out as they went along.

They always did.


	44. Forward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan and Shepard move along, one step at a time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the delay when it comes to the fic. I've been having some RL things to deal with and I've been working on other things so I won't burn myself out when it comes to this fic. I do want to give you all the story you deserve since you have been so fantastic when it comes to supporting me.
> 
> Hopefully this chapter is enjoyable for you all!

When Kaidan slowly stirred as he woke up, he was convinced that what had happened was just a dream.  
Reunions like the one he and Shepard had had were things that happened in stupid romance movies and books, it certainly not in real life.   
Though there was the fact that the bed was too soft to be the bunk-bed he had down with the rest of the crew, not to mention that it was way bigger as well.

He wrinkled his nose some as he opened his eyes, only to be greeted by a darkened room and the available space next to him vacant.  
As he sat up slightly, he became aware of the soft typing coming from somewhere in the room along with the soft creaks of a chair.

"Shepard?"

The typing stopped and Kaidan's eyes landed on Shepard as his lover got up from his chair, only illuminated by the glow from the computer and the fish-tank.   
"Sorry, Kaidan. Didn't mean to wake you up," he murmured softly as he made his way back towards the bed. "I just had to go badly and when I came out, I saw I had an e-mail waiting and I just..." he trailed off as he gestured awkwardly with his hand, making Kaidan chuckle.

"Don't excuse yourself," he murmured softly while tugging the blankets to the side. "Just come join me here again? Please?"

"Now that I can do," Shepard grinned, shrugging out of the hoodie and letting it fall onto the ground, revealing to Kaidan that he had been working in the buff, something the biotic could appreciate.  
As soon as Shepard reached the bed, he leaned in to give Kaidan a kiss, one knee and both hands resting on the mattress before getting completely into the bed. One kiss turned into another, then a third until he simply wrapped his arms firmly around Kaidan and tugged him halfway on top of him, initiating a fourth, deeper and longer kiss.

"I could get used to this," Shepard whispered when the kiss broke, the two men's faces separated by a mere inch.  
In the light from the fish tank and the clock on Shepard's nightstand, Kaidan could see his lover's face, able to take in the softness in the eyes, the warm smile and just how relaxed Shepard seemed to be.  
It felt good, knowing that he was part of the reason for that.

"You and me both," Kaidan murmured softly, leaning down for another, quick kiss before laying his head down onto Shepard's shoulder.  
"Been a long time since I've done this with anyone."

"What? Had sex?" 

"That too," Kaidan mused, squeezing Shepard gently.   
"But I meant relaxing. With someone. Like this."

"Been a while for me too," Shepard murmured, letting the hand around Kaidan's waist slowly move up and down. "Just glad I got the chance to do it again. With you."

"Me too," Kaidan murmured, turning his head slightly so he could kiss Shepard's bare shoulder.  
"... Though that's got me thinking."

"Oh boy."

Kaidan slapped Shepard's chest lightly, making the other man chuckle. "Come on now, I am not -that- bad."

"I know, I know. You're just that easy."

Kaidan rolled his eyes some before placing his chin on Shepard's shoulder, allowing him to look up at his Commander. "To be serious for a moment, I was just thinking," he started again, eyes flickering down for a moment. "... What do we do about this?"

Shepard raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

"I mean... How do we handle ourselves?"

"Like normal?"

"Well, that's obvious," Kaidan deadpanned, not quite seeing if Shepard was pulling his leg or if he truly didn't understand what the biotic meant.  
"I meant how do we handle our relationship?"

Shepard let out a small chuckle and dipped his head towards Kaidan's, pressing a kiss to the biotics lips. "I actually stand by what I said. Like normal."  
When Kaidan raised an eyebrow, Shepard just grinned. "I don't mean that I am going to bend you over the breakfast-table or kiss you during meetings, but... I don't know. If you don't object to it, I'd like to kiss you in front of our friends or take your hand or hold you or just... I don't know. Be with you."  
Before Kaidan could answer, Shepard lifted his hand and stroked it through Kaidan's hair. "I think I know what you are thinking though. You do mean how do we handle ourselves professionally, yeah?"

"Yeah."

"We'll be professional. Do what we've been doing so far. I am not going to say "take my left side, handsome" if that's what you are worried about. Well... Unless you want me to," Shepard smirked, making Kaidan laughed.

"I'll pass on that one."

"Figured," Shepard chuckled. "So, we will be professional when we have to be and just be us when we can. Sound reasonable?"

"More than reasonable," Kaidan murmured, smiling as he leaned in to kiss Shepard.  
"Just wanted to make sure that we were on the same page, yeah? I suspected we would be, but it's just nice to have it out in the open. I've had enough misunderstandings."

"Then we agree," Shepard replied before a downright impish smirk came over his features, eyes roaming over Kaidan.  
"Now, at the mention of bending you over a table... Not sure I have it in me to leave the bed, but with that said. Bed. And you are in it. Naked."

Kaidan was sure that the laugher that escaped him as Shepard flipped them over was probably audible all the way down to the cargo-bay.  
If it was, he would hear it in the morning.

He couldn't say he minded all that much.

***

"You okay there, Kaidan? You're limping a bit."

Hoping his cheeks wasn't as red as they felt, Kaidan just cleared his throat and tried to will the coffee-machine to fill his cup faster.  
"Yeah. Yeah, I'm good, Garrus. Just... Just stretched something. Or pulled. Maybe both."

"Yeah? The council kept you on your ass for too long, eh. Already getting tired with us?" Garrus mused while taking his own dextro-based coffee. 

Kaidan let out a chuckle as his lips tugged into a small smirk. "Hardly. Just unlucky, I guess. It happens."

"Should tell Shepard to be nicer with you in your old age. To not push yourself too hard."

"Push who too hard," Shepard asked as he came around from the elevator, running a hand over his scalp.

"You're pushing Kaidan too hard. Remember, he's been on his ass for a while, you need to be kind to him," Garrus replied, giving Kaidan a nudge as the biotic focused on drinking his coffee.

"I am very kind to his ass," Shepard simple replied with a smirk, making Kaidan choke on his coffee. "And I don't push."

"You sure about that? I remember you back on the Normandy in the old days and while we were working with Cerberus, you hard-ass."

"Can't say I heard anyone complain," Shepard replied as he walked over to the coffee machine and pushed the button, watching as black liquid filled the Styrofoam cup. "Or hearing it for that matter."

"No complains here, just as long as you all leave my ass out of it," Kaidan replied while holding up a small container with sugar, which Shepard took without even looking at his lover.

"Are we talking asses," James asked as he came out from the men's bathroom and joined the rest, a wide grin already on his face.  
"Because I have some asses we can talk about."

"You know, I will never understand the fascination you humans have with asses," Garrus mused, even tilting his head as he tried to get a better look at the assets of the three human Alliance soldiers.  
"Isn't it just tissue, fat and muscle to help stabilise you as well as protect you should you fall on it?

"Pretty much," Kaidan replied as he shifted slightly, trying to remove some of the pressure from his somewhat tender ass.   
Shepard really didn't hold back and Kaidan hadn't wanted him to.  
"It's also because the muscles in the ass are part of the thigh-muscles. The muscles are split in two, because, logic, two legs, and it's attached to our spine at the lower base of our back."

"You know, you really took the sexy out of asses with that," James deadpanned while John just chuckled into his coffee.

"Garrus asked a question and as a field-medic, I will answer them," Kaidan replied with a smirk.  
"And just because I told you the reason for the shape of the ass doesn't make it any less sexy. By the same logic, the way a pair of breasts really works would kill the fun for all the breast-loving people out there. Function doesn't make things less sexy."

"... Ass."

"No, we were talking breasts now," John grinned while Kaidan chuckled, shaking his head some.

"What's this I hear about breasts," Traynor asked as she peered out from around the corner, seemingly on her way to the elevator.

"Now, she gets it," James exclaimed while Traynor just waved her hand at him.

"That enthusiasm? Creepy," she said before looking at Shepard. "Though I am glad I found you, Commander. I have some news I need to talk to you about."

"Just as long as it's not about asses or breasts. It's too early in the morning for that," Shepard merely said, making Traynor chuckle as she headed back towards the elevator, John following closely behind him.

"I promise, it is not about asses or breasts, but now I am curious."

"Don't be. It was all very clinical. ... Mostly."

"Oh. Bummer."

"Exactly."

Kaidan just let out a small snicker before looking over at Garrus.  
"... What?"

"No, nothing. Just you humans, asses and breasts. I don't get it."

"It's just part of being human, amigo," James grinned as he filled his mug with what Kaidan could only describe as black sludge. It somewhat smelled like it as well.  
"We are physical beings and we enjoy getting... physical."

Garrus just blinked his eyes while Kaidan pushed himself away from the counter. "And that is my cue to get out of this conversation," he said while waving at the two of them, moving towards his usual spot in the observation room.   
"Vega, please be nice with Garrus. Garrus, please don't laugh too much of Vega."

"I make no promises," Garrus mused. "It all depends on what comes out of his mouth next."

"Hey, everything that comes out of my mouth is pure wisdom," Vega protested, waving his cup in Garrus' direction. "You should soak it up while you can!"

The sound of Garrus' laugher echoed down the hallway as Kaidan palmed the lock to the observation room, stretching a little as he stepped inside it as soon as the door was open.  
For the most part, everything had remained where he had left it, but Kaidan could see that someone had cleaned up his compads and placed them neatly on a table by the observation-window, which he appreciated. He didn't have dibs on the room after all.  
Picking up a couple of the compads, Kaidan went back to his work-wall and turned on the screen, wincing when he saw the mess and mentally praying that his new screen would arrive before long.  
He allowed himself to be absorbed in his work, knowing that before long, they would be on their way again and Kaidan wanted to be prepared for everything.

Kaidan had no idea just how much time had passed before he decided that a break was in order, his eyes sore from staring at the screens, comparing notes, trying to find some new leads for them to follow.  
After squeezing his eyes shut, pinching the bridge of his nose in an attempt to stave up the slight head-ache that was building, Kaidan turned towards the window, only to be met with the sight of moving stars.  
Just when had they started moving..?

"EDI, what is our destination," he called while glancing towards one of the ship's many speakers.

"Unknown, Major," EDI's voice responded. "The Commander is currently discussing the Normandy's next moves with Specialist Traynor. I believe he will make his announcements as soon as they are finalised."

"Alright, thank you, EDI," Kaidan said, smiling some. "Was just wondering if I was so far gone that I had missed a message."

"Negative, Major. If that was the case, I would have taken special care to alert you. Perhaps with a loud explosion or by deleting your notes."

Kaidan just raised an eyebrow as he stared at the speaker, mouth slightly open.

"That was a joke."

"I swear you're going to give me a heart-attack one day. Another one," Kaidan breathed out while running his fingers through his hair.

"You get used to it, Major," Joker's merry voice sounded over the speaker-system. "Her sense of humour is awesome, but she needs some fine-tuning when it comes to her punch-lines."

"If she's getting it from you, that might take a while," Kaidan replied while deciding that coffee was in order if he was going to continue his work.

"Low blow, Major. Low blow."

"You know what they say, Joker," Kaidan continued while smiling some. "Hit them were it hurts or something like that."

"And here I thought you were the good one out of the lot of us. You know, mister straight and narrow? By the book?"

"Just because I like doing the right thing doesn't mean I won't hit people were it hurts, Joker. Especially when they deserve it."

"Like when you head-butted that Geth on Noveria?"

"Exactly. That and my hands were preoccupied and the thing came right up into my face. It was a reflex. Though I really did want to punch that Salarian in the face. Anoleis or whatever his name was."

"Yeah, I think that guy went on everybody's nerves," Joker snickered. "I'm surprised that Shepard didn't deck him. I mean, he's had no problems punching that reporter-lady a couple of times now."

"You mean Al-Jilani," Kaidan asked. "... What do you mean a couple of times?"

"Shepard didn't tell you? He totally decked her when he ran into her on the Citadel when we were still working with Cerberus. She started dragging up the battle with Sovereign, coming up with all these crazy comments and trying to paint Shepard in a bad light. Hell, not just him, but all of us. In the end Shepard just snapped and punched her lights out. Again."

Kaidan just snorted and shook his head. "I need to talk to him about that. When she tried that stunt on me after I thought that Shepard was... Well. You know. Anyway, I just told her "no comment" and left. Guess I wasn't exciting enough for her and thank God for that."

"She's had it in for him ever since he punched her the first time."

"Wonder why."

"Instead of questioning my action with that woman, Joker, how about you take us to the Arrae system, towards Gellix," Shepard's voice sounded over the speaker and by the tone he was using, he had already slipped into his Commander-role.

"Gellix?" Joker let out a small whine. "There's nothing but mountains and ice there, why do you want to go there?"

"Because we might find some decent help there. I'll brief you in a sec, just focus on getting us there, Joker."  
There was a pause before Shepard continued. "Major, do you have a minute to come to the conference room? I'd like a meeting with you."

"Of course, Commander," Kaidan replied, his curiosity already peaked as he put his work down so he could meet Shepard. It took him a minute to get up to Deck 2 and when he stepped out of the elevator, Traynor gave him a nod and a smile, which Kaidan returned.  
One quick scan by the ladies at the junction point and Kaidan was outside the conference room, giving the open door a knock with his hand.  
"Commander?"

Shepard had been standing with his back to him, hands on the table and seemingly deep in thought. When Kaidan knocked, he looked up and nodded. "Kaidan. Good. Come on in and get the door, will you?"

"Of course," Kaidan said, palming the door-lock so the door slid shut behind him. "What's up?"

Shepard inhaled some, rubbing a hand over his face before looking at his lover. "Okay. I am doing this outside of rank, Kaidan. Outside official Alliance business, blah blah blah. Not like it matters, but I don't want to be Commander Shepard when doing this."

"Okay," Kaidan said slowly, one eyebrow raised as he tried to figure out just what Shepard was on about.

"... Kaidan, I know about your feelings on Cerberus," Shepard continued, then winced some when he saw the slight face Kaidan pulled. "That came out wrong. Sorry, I just got these news ten minutes ago and I just wanted to talk to you before I start announcing things, especially since I want you to come with me."

"How about you start with the beginning, eh?" Kaidan said slowly, crossing his arms over his chest as he looked at his lover.

"Yeah. Good idea." Shepard let out a breath of air before looking at Kaidan.  
"Traynor picked up on a good lead today. A bunch of Cerberus scientists that has broken away from Cerberus and are now trying to hold out against them. Both me and Traynor think that they will be valuable assets when it comes to the Crucible."

"... And?"

"And we'll go save them."

"Well. Okay. Good."

They stood in silence for a moment, just looking at one another before something slid into place in Kaidan's mind. "... Wait. Were you afraid that I would freak out?" 

"No," Shepard said quickly and for a moment, Kaidan could actually see the worry in Shepard's eyes.  
"I didn't think you would freak out, but I didn't want to throw you in the middle of Cerberus scientist without some intel," Shepard said, reaching his hand out to place on Kaidan's shoulder, then stopping, hesitating, as if his hand had hit a barrier before letting it drop back down to hang limply by his side.

Kaidan inhaled deeply and closed his eyes, just letting his mind work for a few seconds before opening his eyes again.   
"I appreciate that, Shepard. I do. And you are probably right," he added slowly. "I-," he started before grimacing slightly. "-would like to say that I wouldn't have said or done something, but I might have done something stupid. Not outright attack them, but maybe attacked them by accident. I dunno if they would wear the uniform, but if there were anything like me and just left with whatever clothes they had, then I am guessing they do."  
He let a small smile tug on his lips. "But I hope that you trust my judgement, Shepard. I did say I would never doubt you again and if you say that these Cerberus guys are worth saving then I will believe it. Hell, if any of them are the ones that helped with getting you back on your feet, I owe them a thanks."

Shepard just smiled before nodding. "Okay. Good," he murmured before letting out a small chuckle. "Well, now I just feel like an ass."

"Don't. I get your reasoning, I do. And now that we've aired things out properly, I'm better prepared to understand and accept," Kaidan said, reaching out and gently brushing his hand over Shepard's hoodie-covered arm.   
"And I mean what I said. I trust you, John. I trust you and your judgement. That and if I was being difficult, you could have ordered me to shut up and take it, and I would have."

"I know you would, Kaidan. You are professional like that, which is one of your many, many good traits, but I didn't want to order you to listen. Not when I had the means to actually talk about it first," Shepard replied, looking and sounding a lot more at ease about it all.

"I would probably have asked you about it later, but in private," Kaidan mused as he squeezed Shepard's arm, then released his lover's arm.  
"So, what is the ETA?"

"About two hours," Shepard replied. "You have plenty of time to get ready."

"I'll get right to it, Commander," Kaidan replied, slipping back to the official role of Major.  
"Let me know if you need anything else from me."

"Just your eyes and ears open, your biotics sharp and your guns loaded," Shepard replied as he turned around, quickly typing something into his omnitool.  
"I'll see you down at the bay, Major."

"Yes, Commander."  
They left one another with a nod each before Kaidan headed back to the Crew's Deck to get ready.   
He appreciated that Shepard wanted to take the talk in private first and while Kaidan would have listened to his lover's orders, he also knew he would have had some issues with fighting with them without knowing anything, no matter how much he trusted Shepard and his judgement. It just showed that Shepard knew that the bridges between them, while forged, were still sensitive and it was clear that Shepard was afraid of wrecking them.  
It was only fair that Kaidan met him halfway.

As his omnitool let out a small beep, Kaidan couldn't help but smile when he saw the message and who it was from.

_"Kaidan,_

_Giving you the intel from Traynor because you are just as good as her when it comes to using it, just in different ways. Give it a look and tell me what you think when you can._

_Also, thanks for last night. You gave me more than I dared hoped for. I hope I did something for you as well (besides the obvious).  
Looking forward for next time. Hope it's soon._

_John"_

They were doing good.  
Just great.

Kaidan couldn't ask for more.


	45. Good People

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan gets to meet one of the people from Shepard's time with Cerberus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is an extra long chapter because you've been so nice and pacient with me! That and I just couldn't cut this chapter in a way that made sense to me so...  
> Enjoy this long baby!

Even though Kaidan knew that Shepard had been working with Cerberus and had probably gotten to know a lot of them, he was still surprised that out of all the scientists that Shepard had worked with, they happened to find the ones that Shepard had actually been friends with. He wasn't sure what to feel when it came to the familiarity and almost warm welcome his lover received when they landed by the scientists hide-out, only to find someone Shepard apparently knew; a man named Jacob Taylor, badly injured, but still greeting Shepard like a long-lost brother upon seeing him as soon as the last of the Cerberus soldiers were disposed of.

Jacob was at least a name Kaidan had heard of, a previous Alliance soldier that had dropped out of the military. He knew that the man was a biotic and Kaidan figured that they might have met very briefly at some point during the training, given the rarity of human biotics in the military, but he couldn't be certain.  
The little basic biotic training he had picked up after his basic training had been many years ago.  
He had no idea that Jacob had also been part of Cerberus, however, and he wasn't quite sure how he felt about that. As far as he had heard, Jacob had been a good man while still with the Alliance.  
However, it was more than clear that Jacob not only knew Shepard, but had seemingly been friends with him based on the easy talk between the two of them. 

"We should get him inside," Kaidan pointed out while scanning the sky's for further attacks. "Before Cerberus decides that they are not quite done."

"On it," Shepard merely replied, retrieving a com from the steel-covered ground. "Base?"

"Is... Is anyone there," a woman hesitantly answered, her voice somewhat distorted by the static.

"This is Commander Shepard of the Alliance," Shepard responded while heading back to Jacob, kneeling down by him. "The enemy is clear for now. Open the door."

"What, no please," Garrus mused, giving Shepard the turian equivalent of a grin while Shepard just gave him a look back.

"Is... Is Jacob there," the woman asked instead, making Jacob chuckle weakly.

"It's alright, Brynn," he murmured. "It's good. Open the door."

The woman fell silent and seconds later, the giant steel doors started to slide open.  
"Lets get you inside," Shepard grunted while carefully helping Jacob stand, using his arm to support him around the waist.

"Good plan," Jacob merely grunted as they made their way towards the opening door, Kaidan and Garrus having their backs as they moved.  
As soon as they got inside, they were greeted by a woman that wasted no time running up to Jacob, taking him from Shepard and gently easing him down onto the floor.  
His wife or girlfriend then, Kaidan was willing to guess, based on the obvious and very intimate concern between the two of them. He opted to stay a little behind along with Garrus as Shepard handled the two people, wondering if he knew the woman named Brynn as well or if it was just Jacob.

"Jacob," she whispered, hand hovering over the wound on his side. "Oh, my god..."

"I'm all right," Jacob grunted, reaching up to gently cup Brynn's cheek, eyes fixed on her. "I'm good thanks to Shepard here. The others though... They didn't make it."

Brynn lowered her head for a moment, eyes closing before nodding. "... We'll notify the families," she whispered, her voice thick with emotions.

Shepard stood back for the moment, letting Brynn fuzz over Jacob before finally speaking up. "Give me the update, Jacob. What is going on? What are you doing here?"

"Jacob, you shouldn't speak," Brynn said, her expression still concerned as she helped apply more medigel to the wound.

Jacob however only gave her a smile and reached up to grasp her shoulder.  
"Its fine, Brynn," he murmured softly, looking into her eyes with a tender look before his eyes moved to Shepard's. "I'm supposed to be protecting these people from the Illusive Man and his attack dogs!" The last words came out as a pained snarl and Kaidan could see that Jacob was obviously taking this very personal.

"Are they gone," Brynn asked, looking up at Shepard as she slowly straightened back up, satisfied that Jacob was doing okay for the time being.

"For now," Shepard confirmed. "But they'll be back."  
Jacob merely grunted when Shepard said that, but Kaidan honestly couldn't tell if it was from any pain or just the thought of Cerberus returning while he was down. He couldn't really blame the other man either way, the thought of Cerberus was enough to make Kaidan groan as well.

"Sure you're okay," Shepard asked, eyeing Jacob when hearing the groan.

"Yeah," Jacob replied. "I'll walk it off. Save my life one more time and I'll start owing you," he added with a slight grin, making Shepard chuckle.

"This one's on the house."

Jacob chuckled as well before letting his lips tug into another grin as he looked at Garrus. "Hey, good to see you too."

"Staying out of trouble I see," Garrus mused while returning the friendly nod.

"Don't I always," Jacob chuckled before his attention landed on Kaidan. "This one is somewhat new though."

"Sorry, I seem to forget my manners when I am on duty. That and we're a bit pressed for time when it comes to instructions so I'll make it quick," Shepard mused as he gestured to Kaidan after his brief chat with Jacob, seemingly remembering that he wasn't there on his own.  
"Jacob Taylor, meet Major Kaidan Alenko. One of the finest biotics and finest soldiers the Alliance can offer. Kaidan, this is Jacob Taylor. Previously with the Alliance and, by the looks of things, previously with Cerberus." 

"The pleasure is all mine, Major," Jacob said, flashing Kaidan a grin as he offered him a hand from his spot on the ground. "I'd get up, but it hurts a bit. Hope you'll give me a break."

"Don't worry about it," Kaidan said with a slight smile back as he walked over to the injured man, accepting the offered hand and giving it a firm shake. "Let me know if you need some medigel for that," he added while gesturing to the gun-wound. "Or rather, more medigel."

"Don't think about it, I gave myself a good dose before you guys grabbed me and Brynn seemed to be trigger-happy with the dosage as well. Any more and I'll start seeing pink elephants in the room," Jacob said.  
"Though I am still mighty happy to see you here."

"I bet," Garrus mused.

Jacob just grinned before looking back at Shepard. "Since we are doing some proper introductions; Shepard, this is Doctor Brynn Cole. She's in charge here."

Brynn gave Shepard a timid smile before offering her hand to the Commander. "It is an honour to meet you, Commander."

Shepard gave a small, almost timid smile back as he shook the offered hand. "Tell me what's going on," he said as he steered the mission back to its original path. "Intel says you're Cerberus."

Brynn let that small smile remain on her lips as she looked down at Jacob. "We are all ex-Cerberus," she replied. "Scientists mostly."

"Civilians?"

"Call us refugees," Brynn mused, gesturing up to what seemed to be a larger area behind her. "If we hadn't run, we'd be dead."

That little bit of information made both Kaidan and Shepard frown. "Why does the Illusive Man want to kill you," Shepard asked, trying to keep the slight anger out of his voice.

"Our stories are different, but the themes are the same," Brynn sighed, looking quite saddened by this.  
"We were each using information from the Collector Base to work on the different components of a larger tech. After someone completed their component, they disappeared." She got up from Jacob's side after giving him one last look, moving over towards what Kaidan guessed where their evacuation shuttled. They were already somewhat ready; they just needed a chance to get out of here by the looks of things.  
"No bodies," she continued while gripping the railings separating them from the floor and the open flight-area. "Just... gone. As we progressed, we started feeling like we were signing each other's death warrants." She frowned and shook her head, pushing herself away from the railing and turned to look at Shepard. "It became obvious what we had to do."

"The Illusive Man doesn't mess around," Shepard commented, frowning as he placed his hands behind his back. "If he can't control it, he'll destroy it."

Brynn just nodded before a groan from Jacob lured her back to his side.  
"You okay?" she whispered, earning a nod from Jacob.

"I'm fine," he whispered back, giving her a small smile before he looked up at Shepard. "The brain trust here has to be a significant loss for him. I dare say some of the smartest heads Cerberus had is hiding out here."

"You had to know they were going to find you," Shepard commented, gesturing with one hand towards Brynn. "All of you."

"As Jacob said, it's a pretty smart bunch. We covered our bases," Brynn replied, a small, proud smile on her lips.

"But the Illusive Man is one tenacious bastard," Jacob grunted, his face pulled into an angry expression.

As if on queue, the entire based shook as an explosion sounded from outside, a few bits small rocks and dust falling from the ceiling.

"Time to evacuate," Shepard merely said after glancing up towards the stairs, adjusting the one-sided visor on the left side of his face.

"Agreed," Jacob said, getting himself back onto his feet from the floor with Brynn's help. "Just need to get the AA guns on the roof back online. Cerberus is jamming them somehow. With those guns down, Cerberus will just blow our escape shuttles out of the sky."

"It might be the network link," Brynn suggested, making Jacob think for a moment before nodding.

"I'll check and meet you upstairs," he grunted as he carefully eased himself out of Brynn's arms and started limping over towards one of the consoles by the shuttles.

"Jacob, you should get that wound looked at," Shepard said, concern clear in his voice as he watched his former comrade limp his way over, hand clenched over his side.

"I'm good," Jacob repeated before sighing and stopping so he could look at Shepard. "I mean, I will. But I got to help these guys first." He managed to crack a small smile before he continued on, gripping hard at the railings to the stairs leading to the upper floor before vanishing out of sight.

"He's been that way for as long as I've known him," Brynn sighed before looking at Shepard, who just smiled weakly back.

"Likewise."

Brynn gently smiled back before her attention snapped towards the upper area of the base as another explosion sounded outside.  
"Commander, I should see to my people. Join me upstairs when you can," she said quickly, only waiting for the answering nod from Shepard before hurrying upstairs.

"Right, so that was interesting," Kaidan replied, storing away the mental notes for later as he looked at Shepard.  
"So where do we start, Commander?"

"We secure the door here for now," Shepard said before nodding towards Jacob. "Then we see to those guns. Jacob made a good point, if we try to get them out, the shuttles will be shut down from the sky."

"We need someone to keep an eye on the door-locks unless those science-guys have eyes on the outside to warn us about hackers," Garrus commented, eyeing the doors with distrust. "Might be safer to jam them."

"Bad idea," Kaidan replied. "If we managed to give them cover, we need those doors functioning for a clean get-away. We can't wait for someone to reactivate them as we might only have seconds to react."

"The Major has a point," Shepard agreed. "But let's find out what these guys actually have here. We might find something useful. That and we have Joker on standby along with Steve."

"Let's go talk to Jacob then," Kaidan suggested, earning a nod from Shepard before the trio followed the path Brynn and Jacob had taken upstairs in order to find Jacob.

As soon as they got up though, Shepard stopped up and Kaidan could see the tension in his lover's jaw as he stared ahead of himself. Curious about what could make Shepard instantly tense up, Kaidan followed his gaze until it landed on a man by a consol.  
At first glance, Kaidan couldn't see anything special about him. He was dressed in the same Cerberus uniform that Brynn was wearing, his hair was dark and short, his face tired and somewhat sunken in from what could only be stress.  
"Commander," Kaidan asked, giving Shepard a small nudge, only to pull his hand back as Shepard seemed to regain his ability to move.

"Excuse me," he mumbled, and again Kaidan could hear the tension in his voice.

"Oh boy, not that asshole," Garrus grunted, shaking his head some, but as Kaidan opened his mouth to talk, he lifted his hand, silencing the biotic.  
"Long story, Kaidan. I'll tell it to you later, but for now we have to make sure that Shepard doesn't kill that guy."

If the man sensed the hostility coming from Shepard as the Commander approached him, he didn't show it.  
Instead he slowly turned around and offered Shepard a tired smile as well as his hand. "Commander Shepard. Doctor Gavin Archer. We... Met on project Overlord."

"That's one way of putting it," Shepard growled, ignoring the hand so he could cross his own hands over his chest, eyes hard as he stared at Archer.

Archer just winced and pulled his hand away, looking a bit more awkward. "Yes, well, after you took my brother to the Grissom Academy, I tried putting all that behind me."  
He hesitated before working up the courage to actually look Shepard in the eyes. "I... I don't suppose you have any news from there? I've heard rumours that the Academy is in trouble."

Shepard pulled a slight face before sighing, shaking his head slightly. "... I was at Grissom Academy," he said, his voice having lost some of that harsh tone. "Cerberus tried abducting the students, but David's okay."

"Oh, thank god," Archer breathed out, bringing a hand to his chest as he seemed to breathe a little easier. "Commander, you... You have no idea what that means."

"It's a little late to start worrying about his safety now," Shepard barked out, taking a step towards Archer, who automatically stepped back in what was probably a mix of surprise and even fear.  
The tension eased right back into Shepard's body and Kaidan could see that he was struggling to keep his emotions in check. He wanted to reach out, but refrained from it. This... This seemed to be personal, but Kaidan decided he wouldn't interfere unless Shepard stepped out of line.

So far, he hadn't. Not really.

"I never stopped," Archer protested, but there was a sad, tired tone to his voice, as if he had repeated those words many times without anyone believing him. Maybe he had told them to himself.  
"I know you think I am a monster. And you're right. Not a day goes by where my dreams aren't haunted by what I did to David. All I can do now is hope that one day he forgives me."  
With a sigh, he turned away from Shepard and returned his attention to the console he was working at.

Shepard continued to frown, but he didn't approach the man. Instead he took a couple of deep breaths before looking at the console.  
"What happened to Project Overlord," he asked. "I got to know."

"After your intervention, the Illusive Man insisted I find another test subject. Someone who shared my brother David's... 'abilities'," Archer responded the disgust clear in his voice as he all but choked out the last word.  
"I couldn't bear the thought of reliving the nightmare. So I destroyed all of my research. Project Overlord is no more."

Garrus let out a whistle. "The Illusive Man couldn't have been happy about that."

"He wasn't," Archer replied. "One of the many reasons I am here, but hardly the main one."

There was a flicker of surprise on Shepard's face, but almost as quickly as it appeared, it was gone, replaced by the frown that seemed to permanently be stuck on his face.  
"I got to ask," he said slowly. "What are you doing here?"

"Surprised that anyone would take me in at all, Commander?" Archer asked without looking at Shepard. "If you must know, I strayed too far from the path. This was my only refuge."  
He chuckled and a sad smile played on his lips. "As a boy, I wanted to be a scientist remembered for doing right by the world; curing a disease, or discovering a new element. Not a monster who tortured his own brother."

"I am not sure I want to hear this story anymore," Kaidan mumbled, not sure if he was to feel sorry for the man or get angry like Shepard was.

Shepard seemed to be struggling with the same thoughts, but he managed to keep his emotions in check. "What did you say to the Illusive Man?" he asked instead, eyes fixated on Archer.

"I told him if his intention was to work with the devil, he only had to look in the mirror. I wanted out of his nightmare."

"He just let you go?" Shepard asked, one eyebrow raised, which earned a bitter chuckle from Archer.

"If it had been that easy, I wouldn't be hiding here. No, no. Every Cerberus soldier in the galaxy has orders to shoot me on sight."

"Be glad I have better control of my own trigger-finger," Shepard merely grunted before turning his back on the scientist and headed back to Kaidan and Garrus.  
"I have to go, and I'm not even going to pretend it was good to see you again."

"I understand," Archer replied, apparently not taking any offence by Shepard's words. "But Commander-"  
Archer hesitated for a moment before continuing to speak."-Thank you for saving David. Both times."

"I didn't do it for you. Neither of the times," Shepard merely responded before jerking his head towards a second set of stairs.  
"Come on, guys."

"... Wow, Shepard. That was harsh," Kaidan whispered as soon as they had left the platform Archer was on.

"If you had been there, you would have torn him to shreds," Shepard merely said.

"That bad, huh?"

"Worse."

"Ouch."  
Still, it was a little bit interesting to see Shepard interact with the different people and Kaidan could tell from the interaction alone that if Shepard ever had had loyalty within Cerberus, it was with the people, not with the organisation itself.  
Not that Kaidan didn't already know that, but it was still somewhat comforting to just see it for himself.

They had only met three and so far Shepard had treated one as a friend, one with respect and one with absolute disgust.

As soon as the trio entered what seemed to the main centre of the base, it was always buzzing with life.  
People were running back and forward, carrying crates, compads, stopping to speak to someone before continuing on their path.  
They were preparing to get out of there.

Shepard quickly located Brynn again to get an update of the situation while Kaidan tried not to be in the way of the scientists that were scurrying about.  
"What's the status of the guns?"

"Still waiting," Brynn replied, gesturing for the three men to follow her. "But I have my best people on it."

"How many scientists are here?"

"Forty-three, plus research assistants."

"You ran with over forty people," Garrus asked in disbelief.

"When you fear for your life, there's a lot you can do," Brynn merely replied before she was stopped by a slightly frantic-looking man.

"Brynn, I can't possibly dismantle the genetic amplification component in time!"

"I'm sorry Doctor Baynar," Brynn replied, reaching out to squeeze the man's shoulder, giving him a reassuring smile. "It's important work, but right now you need to tend to your family."

"Wait," Shepard interrupted. "There are families here? Children?"

"You got to be kidding," Kaidan groaned, reaching up to pinch the bridge between his eyes. That was the last thing they needed. Endangering innocent people.

"So these refugees brought everyone with them," Shepard stated, his voice sounding slightly more stressed than it had been.  
Kaidan couldn't blame him: they were in a highly risky situation now with casualties being less of a risk and more of a reality the longer they remained there. On top of that, these people weren't soldiers, they were scientists, desperate people trying to get away from a dangerous situation, only to jump from the embers and directly into the fire instead of getting out.  
Working and handling the lives of innocent bystanders, especially children, were never fun. Especially not when the stakes were already sky-high.

Brynn actually looked embarrassed at Shepard's statement, fidgeting with her hands. "Yes," she replied slowly. "We have about seventeen kids here. Partners, spouses, parents. I promised these people refuge, a new life free from Cerberus."

"Think you bit off a little more than you can chew there, Doctor," Garrus replied dryly, shaking his head some.

"Clearly," Brynn sighed, shaking her head some. "I just never imagined that the Illusive Man would..." She trailed off, her eyes lowered to the floor.

"That's what evil counts on," Shepard stated. "-that it's hard for good people to imagine."  
Inhaling deeply, Shepard closed his eyes and gave himself a few seconds before opening them, giving Brynn a firm nod.  
"Okay. Everyone left gets out of here alive. This escape will have to be carefully executed."

"I'd hoped,-" Brynn started, hesitating as she tried to find the words to match her thoughts. "-we tried so hard to make sure it wouldn't come to this."

"We won't let it come to this," Jacob grunted, making his way over to the group as Shepard turned around to see him.

"Jacob. What's the news?"

"Can't tell," Jacob replied, the strain audible in his voice when speaking. "I only know I can't fix it from here. I'm going to the roof. Cerberus landed a shuttle there a few minutes ago, probably to make sure those guns don't come back online." Despite the pain he was in, Jacob still managed to muster up a grin. "You in?"

"I'm in," Shepard said, but he placed a hand on Jacob's shoulder. "But you're out."

"Shepard-"

"Jacob, you're injured," Shepard interrupted, giving his friend a look. "I'll fix the guns." He squeezed Jacob's shoulder before releasing him, heading towards the stairs heading towards the roof.

"No way," Jacob protested, already turning to follow Shepard. "These are my people. I'm going."

Shepard immediately stopped up, turning around as he started heading back towards Jacob. "Just because you survive one suicide mission-," he started firmly, blue eyes locked on the dark-skinned man. "-doesn't mean you get two. You're sitting this one out."

Jacob looked like he wanted to protest, but in the end he let out a defeated groan. "Fine," he growled. "But I'm going to talk you through it from here. My guess is that Cerberus is probably jamming the satellite link. Radio me when you've found the controls and I'll give you the override code."

"Will do," Shepard replied before jerking his head towards the door. "Come on, guys. We got guns to fix."

***

As it turned out, fixing the AA guns was the easiest part of the entire mission.  
Just as Jacob said, a Cerberus shuttle had set camp on top of the roof, but between Kaidan's biotics, Garrus' rifle and Shepard's handy combat-drones, they were easy enough to take care off.  
Getting the guns back online was just as easy thanks to Jacob's instructions and Kaidan had to admit that he took some satisfaction in watching it come to life, the powerful barrels rising up before unloading a powerful blast at a nearby Cerberus shuttle.

The people here actually stood a chance now.

They quickly made their way back down and if Kaidan had thought the scientist had been busy then, they were running all over the place now.

"Major, Garrus, can you two help them with loading the shuttles? Make sure that the shuttles aren't too packed."

"You got it, Commander," Kaidan said, giving Shepard a nod before he hurried downstairs to help with the loading and distribution, quickly followed by Garrus.

"You take the left one, I take the right?"

"I got no preference on the shuttle so that works," Kaidan replied as they reached the ground-level, splitting up to go to their respective sides.  
There were already a line forming outside the shuttle, but Kaidan could see that they were loading the shuttles with equipment.  
"How much is in there now?"

"About ten crates," a woman with her black hair in a tight bun answered, holding a compad with a checklist on it.

"And what is the general plan?"

"We are loading the shuttle up front with children so they can escape first. We have done the calculations and we should be able to fit everyone in the first three shuttles and the most important equipment in this last one."

"You only have four shuttle?"

"Yes, it is what we had when we came here. We haven't been able to get more shuttles since coming here."

"Gotcha," Kaidan replied before gesturing to the list. "May I see it?"

"Certainly," the woman answered with a small smile, holding the list out so Kaidan could scan over it.  
It was mostly research-equipment: hard-drives, tools, an entire box with compads and a box with parts of different projects that Kaidan could only guess what was. At least the scientists were very structured, but that didn't really surprise him.

"Okay," he said after scanning over the list, mentally noting down what had already been loaded up. "Keep it even, don't stack everything in the back. Heaviest boxes on the bottom," he added as he started helping with the loading.  
He crawled into the shuttle to help shift some of the boxes around as they had been poorly stacked as it was. He couldn't really blame them though. They were scared and they were trying to get ready as quickly as they could.

The loading went quickly and as soon as the shuttle was ready, Kaidan hurried back to the upper levels, looking for Shepard. He found him in what Kaidan assumed was the medical-room, talking to a half-naked Jacob. "Sorry for interrupting, Commander," he said as he gave the open door a knock, just to alert them of his presence. "They have loaded the equipment into the shuttle and they are ready to board the others."

"Great," Shepard said, giving Kaidan a nod. "Brynn's ready and the gun's have already punched a good hole into Cerberus' defences here. I'd say we are ready then."

"Great," Jacob said, slipping the holed-up one-piece under-suit back over his arms and shoulders before zipping it up. "Just in time for me to join the action."

"Just don't puncture yourself again," Shepard smirked, giving Jacob's shoulder a light punch before he turned his attention to Kaidan.  
"Get Garrus and I'll alert Brynn."

"Yes, Commander," Kaidan said, quickly hurrying back towards the shuttle-area to get Garrus. The Turian was already on his way across lower floor and the only thing Kaidan had to do was jerk his head to the upper floor to get his message across.  
They had just entered the upper floor again as the evacuation message sounded across the base, alerting everyone to get ready.

"Have the guns punch a hole in the perimeter, then launch shuttle one," Shepard ordered one of the scientists, who merely nodded and did as he was told.

"We only get one chance to do this, huh?" Kaidan murmured, crossing his arms over his chest as he watched the horizon outside the window, biting his bottom lip gently.

"Yup. But we only need one," Garrus hummed.

"I hope you are right, Garrus."

As the first shuttle took off, there was a moment of celebration between the scientists, their hopes and spirits now sky-high. 

It would be very short-lived.

Kaidan would never get used to how victory could so quickly be turned into complete and utter chaos, especially as the Cerberus shot took out the right-side windows and efficiently killing the poor scientist controlling the guns.

"Shit," Shepard cursed, already having his rifle out as he launched his combat-drone near the now-open window.  
They could already see Cerberus troopers jet-packing their way towards them. They only had seconds.  
"Jacob, get those people out of here! We'll buy you time!"

Jacob merely nodded before he started guiding people out the room, just in time before a Cerberus-trooper came sailing into the room from the outside, rifle drawn and ready to fire.

"Oh, no you don't," Garrus growled, his sniper-rifled cocked and ready before pulling the trigger.  
The trooped slumped onto the ground before he had even landed.

"Nice shot," Kaidan complimented before he grabbed onto the next trooper with his biotics, efficiently ruining his smooth sailing with a well-placed levitate. One biotic push later and the man were outside, and by the time the levitate ran out...  
Well, it would be a long way down for him.

As soon as the room was empty save from Shepard and his crew as well as a handful of Cerberus troopers, Shepard started backing them away.  
"Kaidan, any chance you can hack those turrets and control them so we can keep giving the people here an opening?"

"Don't even need to hack them, I still have Jacob's override codes," Kaidan replied as he crouched behind a crate for cover, not even reacting as a bullet sizzled through the air above him.  
"Just keep them off me."

"I won't let them get near you," Shepard merely said and Kaidan couldn't help the smile forming on his lips from the almost possessive way Shepard had said that.

"Appreciated," Kaidan replied before focusing on getting control of the remaining guns. There were still plenty of Cerberus drones and shuttles outside that they needed to take care of after all.  
Thanks to Jacob's codes Kaidan was able to get that control just half a minute later, bringing up the AA guns programs up on his omnitool.  
"Okay, Shepard, I got control of the guns, but I got no visuals."

""I'll take care of that," Shepard replied as he ducked behind a crate, fingers pressed against the communicator in his ear. "Cortez, can you read me?"

"Loud and clear, Commander," Steve replied on the joined Alliance com-link.

"Great. I need you to confirm hits for Kaidan, he has control of the AA Guns."

"You got it, Commander.

"Excellent," Shepard replied. "Jacob, how is it looking down there?"

"We are loading them into the shuttles, Shepard," Jacob replied over the joined com-channel. "Shuttle two is ready to go, we just need the signal to send it off. I can open the doors from here if you can give me the go-ahead to do it."

"I'll give them a clearing," Kaidan replied, hoping that the satellite-program for the auto-lock function was still functioning since he didn't have a clear visual of what was going on outside.  
Over the sound of gunshots and Cerberus yelling, Kaidan could hear the satisfying sound of the gun firing followed by an explosion outside mere seconds later. 

"Confirmed hit, Kaidan. There's an opening."

"Jacob, did you catch that," Shepard yelled as he ducked back up from behind his crate, quickly sniping down two more Cerberus troopers as they tried to make their way closer towards them.

"I got it," Jacob replied back, the line crackling ever so slightly.

"We got to watch it, Cerberus is probably trying to disrupt our signals," Garrus warned, pressing the button down on one of his grenades before tossing it towards the Cerberus troopers.

"We don't have the time to do anything about that," Shepard grunted as he chucked one of his turrets over by the window. It would disrupt any further Cerberus troopers from landing properly, at least for a few seconds.

No more than twenty seconds after Steve had confirmed the hit, the second shuttle had shot out from the base, heading towards orbit.  
"The shuttle is safe," Steve confirmed a few seconds after that. "But Cerberus is still swarming outside."

"We'll just have to continue puncturing their defences then," Kaidan replied, quickly aiming the guns for another shot.

"We have to move," Garrus warned as more soldiers came in through the window, making Shepard curse.

"Kaidan, how quickly can you fire the guns?"

"I can fire them quickly, but the guns' reload system can't," Kaidan replied as he fired off another shot, then stood up to help his comrades. His biotics surged as he sent off a proper biotic blast towards one of the troopers carrying a shield, yanking the shield away from him so Garrus could snipe him down.

"You have another hit in," Steve confirmed over the com.

"Good," Shepard said while lobbing another turret in amongst the soldiers while Garrus tossed in another grenade.  
As the grenade exploded, the room filled up with smoke, giving them enough cover to slip out the door. While Shepard hacked the door shut, buying them a few more precious seconds, Brynn had already launched the third shuttle while Jacob covered her, his rifle raised towards the upper platform.

"Just one more shuttle left," the dark-skinned man yelled. "We need to get on board now."

"Negative," Shepard yelled, quickly getting down the stairs while keeping the sniper-rifle aimed at the door. He could already hear the beeps from the lock as the troopers on the other side tried to get through.  
"We have to make sure the shuttle is sent off safely. You join them, make sure they are protected."

"And what about you?" Jacob protested while Kaidan took a moment to align the guns again.

"We have someone picking us up, don't worry," Shepard replied with a small smile. "We need to get the scientists off first."

"So typical you," Jacob said while shaking his head slightly while grinning.  
"So you can forget that. I'm with you here, Shepard. Brynn, you get on board."

"I am not leaving you," Brynn protested, hands gripping at the console.

"Can you two have your moment a bit later," Garrus called out while tossing another grenade up to the upper platform of the upper floor. "Cerberus is about to break through."  
As if on cue, the door to the main room opened up just in time for the grenade to explode in front of them.

"A moment is always shared in the heat of battle," Jacob laughed as he fired up his own biotics, joining in on the battle.

"Keep your moment to yourself, I am not willing to fight Brynn for you," Shepard replied with a smirk before fully turning his attention to the battle in front of them.

"We can fight for each other's attention after we're out of here, please," Kaidan shot in, trying to resist rolling his eyes as he let the guns fire off another shot.

"Three for three, Major."

"Great, get that last shuttle out of here," Shepard ordered, quickly ducking behind cover as a grenade was tossed in their direction.

"On it," Brynn called out, her fingers flying over the console as she punched in the commands. She then drummed his fingers against the metal as she watched the door jerked back to life, slowly creeping open the first few inches before sliding up completely.  
The shuttle was already fired up and as soon as the door was open, it took off, shooting up into the distance.

"Okay, all clear here. Now it's our turn," Shepard confirmed as the group gathered up by the console. "The landing zone outside won't be clear forever. Cortez, how fast can you get here?"

"I am already on my way, Commander. ETA, thirty seconds."

"Cortez, I am buying you a beer later."

"Hell, I'm buying you all one," Jacob quipped while biotically disarming one of the heavily armed troopers before shooting him, sending him falling down the stairs and knocking down another soldier.

"Let's get out of here then," Garrus called out as they started their full retreat. "I am all out of grenades and my ammo's looking a bit low."

"I've got clips if you need them," Shepard replied, his sniper-rifle jerking with each carefully aimed shot he took.

"I'm still good, don't you worry," Garrus mused as he quickly reloaded his sniper-rifle. "Just covering all my bases.

Together they headed out to the open area outside the base and as Kaidan looked up into the horizon, he could see the familiar Alliance shuttle heading their way.  
"Cortez is almost here, we got to move!"

"Get Brynn and Jacob to safety, I got you covered," Shepard called out, quickly sending out another of his combat-drones to aid him. 

"Don't play the hero, Shepard," Jacob warned, but he still obeyed as he joined Brynn and Kaidan, quickly heading towards the shuttle.  
Just seconds before they reached the shuttle landing spot, Steve had gotten the shuttle down, the engines still running as he prepared it for a quick escape. With some help from Kaidan, Jacob got himself on board before holding out his hand to Brynn. "Come on, get in."

Kaidan boarded the shuttle last before he turned to look for his lover, only to feel his heart leap in his chest as he saw a massive Atlas land with a hard, metallic thud onto the platform, making the ground shake slightly.  
"Shepard! Atlas!"

"I see it," Shepard yelled back as he fired off one last shot, then turned to run before the Atlas could start moving.

"Shepard, don't," Kaidan yelled, his biotics flaring as he cast a barrier over Shepard, eyes widening as he saw the lumbering Atlas straighten up and fire a shot towards his lover. The blast hit Shepard in the back, sending him reeling forward until he landed in front of the shuttle with a thud. The biotic shield had absorbed most of the explosion, but Kaidan could see from the flickers that the shield underneath had done its job as well.  
Without both shields, Shepard could have gotten it far worse.

"Shepard," both Kaidan and Jacob called out, already on their way out of the shuttle, but Brynn was faster. She quickly jumped out of the shuttle and ran over to Shepard.  
"Shit. Cover us," Jacob yelled as he jumped outside as well, his rifle already up and firing as he covered Brynn and Shepard.

To her credit, Brynn didn't seem phased by the bullets flying around them as she reached Shepard, kneeling down and helping the slightly dazed Commander back up. "Commander! You must get up," she called out while easing her arm around Shepard's waist.

"You got to hurry," Kaidan called out as he tried to shield the trio the best he could, having his hands full with controlling his biotics. At least Garrus was more than happy to add a bit more firepower to what was rapidly becoming an uneven battle.  
Cerberus was already swarming over the field like ants and they didn't have much time. The Atlas was already warming up for another shot and Kaidan knew he didn't want to get caught in it. 

Thankfully, Shepard seemed more dazed than anything and as soon as he was back on his feet, he was able to move quickly back towards the shuttle along with Brynn and Jacob, with Jacob focusing on covering their backs.

"Shit, that Atlas is aiming up for another shot," Garrus cursed, his slugs doing nothing more than creating dents in the Atlas' solid armour.

"Like hell it will," Jacob growled as he quickly aimed his rifle towards a generator that was located next to the Atlas.  
As the Atlas lifted its giant arm, rifle cocked and aimed towards the shuttle, Jacob punctured the generator's sensitive plating, making it explode with enough force to send the shot wide as the Atlas was caught in the explosion along with a handful of troopers.  
With a satisfied grin, Jacob turned and headed to the shuttle, managing to jump back onboard without help. "Okay. Let's go!"

Shepard merely nodded. "Steve, move!"

"Roger, Commander," Steve called out, the shuttle shaking slightly as it started lifting further off the ground. "Get yourself buckled up, ASAP," he warned as he turned the shuttle slowly, giving Garrus a few last seconds to cover them before the shuttle took off, leaving nothing but dust behind.

"Out by the skin of our teeth again, hey Shepard," Jacob breathed out, slumping down into one of the shuttle-seat while Kaidan and Garrus focused on closing the doors on either side, sealing the shuttle so they could access orbit.

"A bit too close," Kaidan bit out, giving Shepard a slight look. 

"We managed," Shepard bit out, rolling his shoulder some as he tried to work out the slight ache from the impact out of his muscle.  
"It was nice to see you back in action though."

"Yeah. Felt good," Jacob grinned while Brynn took a seat next to him, reaching out to take his hand.

"I was afraid we wouldn't get anyone out alive," she murmured, looking up at Shepard with an admiring look. "-but because of you, we got almost everyone. Thank you."

"You can thank me by considering this offer, Dr. Cole. Or rather, a request. One you can't afford to turn down," Shepard replied while grabbing a hold of one of the handles inside the shuttle, steadying himself as the shuttle shook slightly from entering orbit.  
"I need your help against the Reapers."

"Without a doubt," Brynn replied without hesitation. "I'm at your service. And I'm sure you can count on the others as well."

Shepard nodded before looking at Jacob. "You too, Jacob," he said as he walked over to him, easing himself down into the available seat next to him. "I need you."

"Of course," Jacob replied. "But I wouldn't mind staying with these folks."

"You don't want to join the team on the Normandy," Shepard asked, sounding a little disappointed.

"I'm torn, Shepard," Jacob sighed before squeezing Brynn's hand tenderly, looking towards her. "But looking out for these families are important to me. It's where I'm at right now. I hope you can see that."

"Keep them safe, then," Shepard said with a slight nod. "The Alliance needs that Crucible."

"You got it," Jacob said with a firm nod of his own.

"Alright. Report to Admiral Hackett for your assignments when we land. You guys are off course welcome to have a day on the Normandy to rest and get yourself checked out by the medics before you head off.

"Appreciated," Jacob replied with a smile.

"You know, Commander," Brynn murmured softly. "I've never met anyone like you. Just feel better knowing you are on our side."

"Yeah, Shepard has that effect on people," Garrus mused, making Jacob chuckle.

"He does," he agreed with a grin. "So when this mess is over, drinks are on me."

"Just hope someone's keeping an eye on all the drinks and beers that are owed by now," Shepard mused. "I know I've lost track."

The chatter continued, but Kaidan opted to ease himself away from the group, not feeling very comfortable standing there like a silent idiot. Instead he went into the cockpit to sit with Steve, closing his eyes as he slid into the seat next to him.

"Head-ache, Major?"

"A bit, but its fine. Just the amps cooling down," Kaidan murmured, keeping his eyes closed.

"Seems like a tight-knitted bunch in there, huh?" Steve commented, making Kaidan wince ever so slightly.

"Yeah. I guess a suicide mission will do that, huh?"

"I bet," Steve murmured before looking over at Kaidan. "You sure you are okay?"

"I'm fine," Kaidan repeated. "Just letting them have their moment. I wasn't part of that mission so..." he trailed off slowly, fighting off that small tight feeling that was blossoming in his chest.  
He wasn't even sure that it was that created it, if he was to be honest with himself. He was a little annoyed at Shepard for putting himself at risk at the base, he felt off because he hadn't been there at a critical and dangerous moment in Shepard's life and he was feeling a little left out.

"Don't worry," Steve said with a warm tone to his voice. "Even if that Jacob fellow is hogging the attention now, we all know who Shepard's favourite biotic is," he mused.

Kaidan didn't say anything to that and just hoped his cheeks didn't look as red as they felt.

"Hey, your secret is safe with me. But I was married once, I know that look," Steve mused. "And I am happy for you. Both of you. It's good to see that love can still find soil to grow in when it's looking like this."

"I'm not sure we're there yet," Kaidan murmured quietly, though he knew that was a lie. He, at least, was plenty there and had been there for a while, and while he wasn't sure just how deep Shepard's feelings went, he knew that the Commander cared deeply for him as well.  
He knew he was being silly, that there were still a few things left between them that needed mending. Small things that they would manage to mend with time, but still important things that they couldn't ignore.

He didn't know if his lover was able to read his mind or his expressions, but as both he and Steve turned silent, there was a noise coming from his omnitool, indicating a private message.  
When Kaidan opened it, he couldn't help but smile as he read the message.

_"Don't be mad at me.  
Join me in my cabin later? I'll give you full access to my shower._

_\- John"_

"Good news?"

Kaidan chuckled some and nodded. "Yeah. Just confirmation that I am still the favourite."


	46. Intermission

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan and Shepard take a minute inbetween missions to talk things through.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just a bridging chapter so I am sorry about it being so short. As the game is propelling forward, I will admit it is getting a little harder to write it without just retelling the game, so forgive me if I grow a little slower with the updates!   
> I hope this is enjoyable none the less!

"So you're not mad at me?" Shepard asked for the fifth time, chin perched on Kaidan's shoulder while he pressed himself up against Kaidan from behind.

The biotic rolled his eyes and smirked as he eyed themselves in the mirror, still wet from their joined shower.  
"No, Shepard, I am not mad at you. I was annoyed at you for leaving your back open like that, but I was never mad at you."

"You were just so quiet at the end... Made me worried," Shepard murmured, pressing his lips to Kaidan's shoulder and letting them linger there.

"I was just thinking," Kaidan murmured while combing his fingers through his hair, trying to ease out the worst of the curls and snags.  
"You and Jacob... You seemed pretty close."

"He was a good friend," Shepard murmured, closing his eyes and inhaling deeply before letting out a pleased hum from the back of his throat.  
"One of the few I could relate to since he had been part of the Alliance once. He understood my frustrations when I was stonewalled during that time and he never tried to actually make me see Cerberus in a better light like some of the others did. I could actually talk to the man."

"About what?" Kaidan asked, leaning his head against Shepard while placing his hands tenderly over the arms around his waist.

"Everything. Nothing. Whatever we needed. It was a tough mission and... We weren't sure if we could get out of it alive. I listened and helped him when he needed closure and he tried helping me."

"Tried?"

Shepard smiled some, dragging his lips up over Kaidan's shoulder until his chin came resting on top of Kaidan's shoulder again. "You were my closure, Kaidan," he murmured softly. "And I couldn't "close you" so to speak. I didn't want to. I needed you there so I could come back to you."

Kaidan just let out another soft chuckle and closed his eyes, just enjoying the feel of Shepard's warm, firm body against his own. Flesh against flesh. Nothing separating them.

They had had a talk before Kaidan had actually joined Shepard upstairs for a shower that had been long overdue. In between getting the scientists on board the Normandy, the entire crew had assisted in getting them fed and checked for any injuries after the attack. Most of the scientists had actually headed off after a good meal and a quick nap, eager to start with their new assignment, but Brynn and Jacob had lingered.  
While they were there, Kaidan had had his own chance to talk to Jacob and after an awkward first minute where the best they could do was compliment each other's biotic abilities and aim, they had found some common ground in Shepard.  
The conversation wasn't long; Jacob was tired and injured after all, but the little talk they did get to have was a good one, giving Kaidan a new perspective on both Cerberus and the people that had worked for them. He had also learned about Shepard and how he had been during his time with them.  
Kaidan hoped he could get the chance to talk to him again, especially after Jacob departed with a grin and a "Good to see the man Shepard was going crazy over. You're just what he needs, Alenko.".

Over thirty-six hours passed before Kaidan actually had a moment to himself, having overviewed the departure of the last scientists as well as Brynn and Jacob.  
He was hungry, he was tired, he felt dirty and he was probably more than a little over-worked, but he kept trucking on.

When Shepard had come searching for him, the worry clear in his eyes that he had done something wrong, Kaidan felt the need to do something to ease his worries, especially since they had barely been able to talk to one another in between all the work.  
In fact, the desire to show that he was glad to see Shepard had somewhat overwhelmed his tired brain, completely overriding any filter he had. He had probably come on a bit "too strong", having awkwardly attempted to flirt with his lover, but it had set the path right, breaking any worry the other might have.  
They had talked then, about the scientists, Cerberus and the Illusive Man. Kaidan had admitted that he was been trying to think about things in a different way, especially after meeting and talking with the scientists.  
It felt good, airing out some of the thoughts he had on the subject, especially when it came to the Illusive Man. Part of him made him wonder what kind of a man the Illusive Man must have been, what must have happened in order to make him do what he was doing now.

After talking for a little while, they had been forced to separate again; Shepard still having a few reports he needed to iron out for Hackett, which Kaidan could relate to.  
He himself had plenty of work he needed to finish, especially when it came to the Council. After the mess on the Citadel, he tried to keep them respectfully up to date so they would back the hell away from Shepard. He had enough work on his hands with the ambassadors if he wasn't going to have the Council breathing down his neck as well.  
He was also getting his first reports back from his students, having finally managed to catch a hold of them on earth. They were all alive, thankfully, and were planning on joining up with Anderson as soon as they could.

For now though, almost two days after they had returned to the Normandy, Kaidan had gotten the chance to join Shepard up at his cabin to share a proper shower.   
It hadn't been a playful or even sexy shower, but rather one of comfort and just being near one another. John had held one arm around him at all times and helped in washing his body with tender care, something Kaidan had returned with earnest. While Shepard didn't have much hair to wash, Kaidan had let his lover help with his, loving the feel of Shepard's hands through it.  
It had been tender, loving, comforting. Something they had both needed after a tough mission that had left them both a little rattled, but in different ways.

"What are you thinking about," Shepard murmured, kissing Kaidan's shoulder again before reaching around him to grab a towel.

"Just how crazy these last two days have been," Kaidan replied truthfully, grabbing a towel of his own so he could dry himself.  
"It's not every day you get to screw Cerberus over by taking their own people from them. And the intel that Jacob and Doctor Brynn gave me should be valuable in my research."

"If anyone can put that data to good use, it's you," Shepard said with a smile, quickly drying his body off before wrapping the towel around his waist.  
"Hackett has already confirmed that the first scientists have arrived at the Crucible and are more than eager to start working."

"That quick, huh? They must have kept it going from the second we sent them off."

"Pretty much. They were quite eager to throw off their Cerberus colours and do something more useful. Their words, not mine," Shepard mused as he opened the door to the cabin, letting out some of the remaining steam.

Kaidan just smirked and started finger-combing his hair. If he was to stay up in Shepard's cabin on a regular basis, he really needed to remember bringing a comb.  
"Can't say I blame them. I am guessing they are carrying a bit of guilt with them, even if they weren't directly responsible for the things the Illusive Man did."

"I can relate," Shepard murmured, making Kaidan stop his task and instead going to find his lover.  
Shepard was staring at the model of the citadel, his right hand rubbing the left side of his neck slowly.

"Shepard?"

"Hmm?" Shepard turned his head and smiled some. "Sorry, Kaidan. Just... Thinking."

"About things you shouldn't think about," Kaidan said, walking over and pressing a soft kiss to Shepard's lips.  
"I know we have talked about this before and I kind of feel like I'm the pot calling the kettle black by saying this, but... It's time you forgive yourself. Yes, you were with Cerberus, but you did something good with them. You saved more people than the Alliance could by dealing with the Collectors and you got more answers. Hell, without the things you did, we might now be here right now."

"I know," Shepard said, moving his arm around Kaidan's waist, leaning in to bury his face against his lover's neck.  
"And you are right. I just wish I had seen more. It just... It seemed to come straight out of nowhere and it bothers me that I was in the middle of it and I couldn't see it. Makes me wonder if I had pretended to be more loyal, I could have found out more information."

"If you're going to think like that, you're going to drive yourself crazy," Kaidan said, tilting his head against Shepard's, content to merely hold him.  
"And I know you are already doing that with other things, John. Current things."

"You know me so well," Shepard chuckled, though Kaidan could hear the slightly sad tone in the chuckle.  
"... Thank you, Kaidan."

"What for?"

"For... Just being here tonight. You are right, I am thinking about things. Everything."

Kaidan turned his head to kiss John's head, smiling some against the slight fuzz that covered his scalp. "Anytime, John," he murmured. "Anytime you need me, I'll be here."

Shepard smiled tenderly, pressing his lips to Kaidan's neck, letting them linger there. "I know, Kaidan... You have always been someone I could talk to, from the very start."

"Even when I had my little black rain-cloud above my head?" Kaidan asked with a small chuckle, earning a low chuckle from his lover.

"Even then. I told you back then, you have a good head on your shoulder. You're smart and you know what to do and when to do it. And you've only gotten better with age."

Kaidan let out a snort, giving Shepard's side a poke which in turn made Shepard yelp and squirm a live, but the Commander never released his hold on his lover, like he was afraid that Kaidan would take on running.

"What, it's true? I knew what kind of man you were, the first time I saw you. I knew that you would be a man I could count on."

"Now you are turning sappy," Kaidan teased, pressing a kiss to Shepard's head. "And I think you need a distraction before you start working on things again, and I have the perfect thing in mind."

"Oh, really?" Shepard asked, turning his head enough for one eye to be able to peer up at Kaidan's face, the Commander's lips already tugged into a teasing smile. "And what do you have in mind, Major?"

"Chess. I am seeing a board on your table and I think you could do with thinking about something else."

"... Oh."

Kaidan grinned as he reached down to grasp at John's hand, squeezing it as he started tugging him down towards the cabin's lower floor. "And the winner gets to top. How about that? And no cheating or underplaying, we are doing this seriously."

Shepard merely laughed and squeezed the hand back, a more relaxed glimmer in his eyes. "Oh, you know I always play to win. Always."

"Then show me your stuff, soldier. I have high expectations of you."

"When it comes to you, Kaidan, I always give it a hundred and ten percent."

"I know you do, Shepard. I know you do."


	47. Horror

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan finds out which Reaper is his least favorite.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because I've been neglecting my baby lately, I made an extra long chapter for you all to enjoy! Hope you like! :D

Despite of all of Shepard's warnings, his stories, his presentation, Kaidan was still left with a definite impression that Shepard had the ability to attract the weirdest crew known in the galaxy.

Meeting the tank-bred Krogan Grunt on Utukku while investigating a case of missing Krogans for Wrex, was an adventure in itself and Kaidan had a lot of questions after Garrus had affectionately called Grunt Shepard's "son".  
While the mission itself had not lead for much explanation, the entire focus being on dealing with a rather surprising up-rise in Rachni-activity; or rather an up-rise in modified Rachnies.

Kaidan had honestly thought that seeing humans twisted by the Reapers were scary. Hell, seeing the Turians as twisted monstrous versions of themselves were scary. Seeing the Krogans as the hulking, scary brutes was downright terrifying.  
They held nothing compared to seeing the Rachni, a race that already was unnerving, as part machine, part spider.  
The fact that when they damaged the fragile-looking, pulsing "pouches" on their front was a mistake as they were filled with several, small reaper-rachni.

The fact that they were there and that they had obviously been indoctrinated and transformed by the Reapers were worrisome and somewhat surprising; surprising considering the deal the Rachni-queen had promised to lay low.  
What was not as surprising was finding out the reason -why- the Rachni's had started attacking and while they did not find the missing scouts alive (making Garrus comment that at least they had found them), they managed to get Grunt come out of it alive as well as saving the Rachni-queen all over again, but sadly at the cost of the Aralakh company.

Kaidan had been a little sceptical when Shepard and the Rachni-queen had come to an agreement to release her so they could assist in the war against the Reapers, especially if it was going to cost Grunt and his company their lives, but he also knew that Shepard was right. The Rachni were an incredible race, advanced and if they were willing to help, then they had to take advantage of it.  
So even if Shepard had to order him, Kaidan had no real problems with following the order, quickly assisting Garrus in releasing the queen so she could escape from her prison.  
For a while, it had been close. Uncomfortably close, but even as they feared the worse, Grunt, who had broken from the rest of his team to help buy Shepard and his team time, had come out of it alive.  
Kaidan had also gotten a rather interesting story out of Shepard, describing the origin of Grunt and how the previous Normandy crew had started teasing him about Grunt being his tank-bred son.  
"Does that mean I am the step-dad," he had asked teasingly, clearly joking, but the look of pure bliss and happiness that flashed over Shepard's face, even for just a moment, had Kaidan a little curious. And a little concerned.

After Grunt was deemed well enough to fight again, he happily tossed his lot in with the rest of the Krogan that Shepard had recruited, providing support in the war-effort against the Reapers.  
Shepard also showed Kaidan the e-mail the Krogan had sent him to let him know that he had made it there in one piece.   
"I'm so proud," he had said with a wide smile. "He was still learning to use a keyboard without breaking it last time I spoke to him."  
Kaidan had only chuckled, calling Shepard sweet before returning to his mission-reports.

The business with the Rachni had been tough enough, but little did Kaidan know about the nightmare they would face when Hackett came to Shepard with a piece of interesting information and enquiry.  
The call had been unexpected, but Shepard had accepted it without questions. They were still waiting for reports to be sent in from the different races, and both Kaidan and Shepard were waiting, and hoping for a response from the Quarians, who had remained silent so far.   
The message had seemed urgent so Shepard took the time getting briefed, leaning about a signal that the Asari wished for him to investigate as it was relevant to their interests: Asari Commandoes hardly went missing without a trace and especially without a fight.  
What had been strange was that the Commandoes had vanished while investigating a signal that had come from an Asari monastery, but further information was unavailable.  
It wasn't exactly on the way to any other mission, but the Asari Councillor had been rather insistent so Shepard had accepted.  
Liara had met Shepard outside the com-room when he was done and given him some more information that she had been able to dig up, but she too was a little confused about what exactly the monastery was, but had already started a search using her channels as the Shadow-Broker. It had to be important if the Asari Councillor asked for Shepard to look into it, all things considered.  
After a brief chat, Shepard had come to Kaidan in the star-observation room to brief his lover before asking if he would come.

"And miss the chance to see the masters of biotics? Not a chance, Shepard," Kaidan had responded with a slight smile. "Of course I'll come."

Shepard had merely smiled and leaned in to kiss him. "Good," he murmured, lifting a hand to cup Kaidan's cheek. "Wouldn't want to go without you."

"Someone has to keep you in line," Kaidan replied with a small grin, which made Shepard roll his eyes at him.

The trip from Utukku and the Ninmah Cluster to the Nimbus Cluster was thankfully not a long one thanks to the Mass Relays, but it still allowed them two days to prepare and gather Intel about the upcoming mission.  
Liara proved valuable when it came to gather Intel as she had access to data that not even Kaidan with his Spectre-codes and skills were able to get a hold off.  
One could only reach so far using honourable methods and Kaidan wasn't exactly in the position where he could sit down and hack secret Asari Intel from the Normandy. With all the interference from the Reapers, it just wasn't doable.  
Thankfully, Liara already had all the openings she needed to get what she wanted. Now she just had to find it.

As they reached the Nimbus cluster, Shepard had already asked for both Liara and Kaidan to get ready for the mission at hand; Liara for her knowledge on the Asari, seeing as they were headed for a Asari Monastery, and Kaidan for his analytic way of thinking.  
Soon enough they reached the Mesana system and Steve prepped the shuttle to take them to the planet Lesuss where Liara had further news for them.

After ensuring that they were on the right track, with Steve following the co-ordinates provided to them by Hackett and the Asari, Shepard looked over to Liara, who was sitting next to Kaidan in the back of the shuttle.  
"You said you have more information. What did you dig up for us, Liara?"

Liara shot Shepard a concerned look. "I did, and I now understand why High Command wanted to hide it," she said, her voice having somewhat of a nervous edge to it.  
"We're headed to an Ardat-Yakshi monastery."

"Ardat-Yakshi," Shepard asked, a look of surprise flashing over his face. "Like Morinth?"

"Morinth chose to be a killer," Liara said with a slight frown. "These Ardat-Yakshi isolated themselves to avoid that."

"Wait, what?" Kaidan interrupted, holding a hand up. "What is an Ardat-Yakshi? And who is Morinth," he asked, frowning some.

"It's a... Um..." Shepard frowned some before looking over at Liara. "Can you take this one? I could barely understand it when Samara explained it to me."

Liara nodded before looking up at Kaidan. "An Ardat-Yakshi is an Asari with a rare, genetic condition that affects their nervous systems. It isn't harmful to them, but during mating, the Ardat-Yakshi's nervous system completely overpowers and dominates their mates, which makes their brain haemorrhage and kills them," she explained, grimacing some.  
"And because they have already linked their brains together, the Ardat-Yakshi takes all of the genetics from their mate, leaving them smarter, stronger and deadlier after each time they do it."

"Wow, that's... Wow," Kaidan merely said, looking a bit stunned. "And nothing can be done for them?"

Liara shook her head. "No. It is impossible as of today to identify the condition until an Asari reaches maturity and by then it is already too late. Those with the condition are then given the choice to live in isolation or be executed."

"That sounds brutal."

"It has to be that way. The Ardat-Yakshi, it is an addictive condition. They feel they must mate and that compulsion grows stronger each time they succeed."

"Like a drug, except this drug kills the victim rather than the user," Kaidan concluded.

"Exactly," Liara said. "And Morinth was an Ardat-Yakshi that was already killing, and she was the daughter of Samara."

"The Justicar," Kaidan asked, looking at Shepard, who nodded in return as an answer to Kaidan's question.  
"What happened to her?"

"We had to kill her," Shepard said with a strained, sad smile. "She had her own personal fight with her mother and she liked her lifestyle a little too much. She even tried to bargain with us; bring her instead of Samara, but I think she knew we'd never accept."

"I am starting to get why you haven't shared more than you have about that time, Shepard."

"It's not because I don't want to. In all honestly, I wonder if half the stuff we did was a dream at times. I think I have blocked out a fair share too," Shepard replied with that same, small smile.

Kaidan merely smiled back before looking back at Liara. "Okay, so we are going to a monastery for Ardat-Yakshi, and considering that they lost contact with a group of Asari Commandoes there... Do you think they have gone rogue?"

"We cannot rule it out. They isolated themselves a long time ago, but with the reaper-threat, they might have grown desperate and wanted to flee. It certainly does not mean that they are harmless and if the Asari Commandoes came there... The urge to feed could have overpowered them. That's why High Command sent in commandoes to investigate the monastery's distress signal."

"Magnified biotics, hey? Great," Kaidan sighed. "What's our strategy?"

"If there was a chance the Ardat-Yakshi could break loose, the commandoes were to purge the monastery," Liara said quietly.

"Purge," Shepard asked, his eyebrows knitting down to a frown. "You mean destroy?"

Liara exhaled deeply before nodding. "They would've brought heavy explosives with them, yes."

"Morinth was dangerous, but are the Ardat-Yakshi's that big of a threat," Shepard asked. "They have lived this long in isolation and Asari have great self-control."

"Morinth was just hitting her stride, as far as I have understood it," Liara replied. "Ardat-Yakshi who kill leave behind astronomical body counts."  
She bit her bottom lip as she looked down at her hands. "It's why they can never be free," she explained. "-and why they're such a great source of shame to the Asari. That's why High Command won't rest until the place is destroyed. They'd never risk a single Ardat-Yakshi getting loose."

"I feel a bit bad for them," Kaidan murmured, a look of pity flickering over his face. "To be punished for something that is beyond their control."

"Which is why we won't assume anything," Shepard said firmly. "Maybe the Ardat-Yakshi sent out the distress call. If the Asari want us to destroy this place, I need to know what happened."

"Agreed," Liara answered, slowly standing up as Steve started preparing the shuttle for landing. "Once we give a report to High Command, they'll stop wasting lives here."

"Then lets get ready," Shepard said, walking over to the shuttle's gun-locket to fetch his weapons, passing Kaidan and Liara their own weapons as he did so.  
As they got off, Kaidan noted down the red shuttle that was already parked there, pointing it out to Shepard and Liara. "The Asari Commandoes?"

"Possibly," Liara had responded with a slight shrug. "I cannot see who else it would belong to."

It made sense so they left the shuttle without examining it further. The design and colour indicated that it was not Cerberus or any of the known gangs, and there were nobody else save from maybe a visitor that would have any business or knowledge of the place. It was safe to assume that whoever the shuttle belonged to, it was not likely anyone who would be hostile to them.

The first thing that became eerily clear as they stepped into the grand monastery was the darkness. The darkness and the silence.  
"Well, this isn't creepy what so ever," Kaidan mumbled while switching on the light on his shot-gun.

"We'll just have to make the best of it," Shepard whispered, coping Kaidan's action and switching on his own lights.  
"Just wish we had an overview of the place. A map or something."

"If you give me a moment, I can see what I can bring up," Kaidan said, stopping by an offline monitor by what seemed to be a visiting-area. Why the place would even have such a place, Kaidan did not know, considering who lived there, but maybe it was to make new-comers feel welcome.  
He could sympathise. Being put in what would be something closer to a prison than a home for something that was beyond their control was eerily similar to what had happened to those who had been sent to BaAT.  
At least they had been sent there in the belief that they would get help.  
These Asari were told to go here or die.

Despite the power-outage, Kaidan had no trouble re-routing some of the power from his shield to the monitor, giving him enough time to download the monastery map onto his omnitool.

"Good man," Shepard complimented him as they hunched together to study it.  
"Best place to start would be at the distress beacon and if the map is accurate, that would be down on a lower floor, near safe-rooms."

"As good as any other place to start," Kaidan said before the trio slowly started moving along, taking it slow and steady in the darkness.  
It was an eerie scene, with every sound sounding ten times as loud as it normally would. Kaidan could swear that he heard something move around them and because of it, he himself tripped over a bottle, making both Shepard and Liara jump, something he awkwardly apologized for.  
They were able to find and follow the path that would take them down to the lower floors, but to nobody's surprise, the elevators weren't working.

"We'll just have to do this the good old way," Shepard said and, along with Kaidan, they managed to tug the doors to the elevator open enough for them to get an overview of the shaft.

"It's stuck way up," Kaidan commented as he shone the light from his shot-gun up over the elevator shaft. "But there's a ladder here that we can use to climb down. Shouldn't be any problem prying the doors open down there. Might be a little awkward though."

"We'll have to try," Shepard said. "After you, Major."

Kaidan couldn't help the slight smirk before swinging himself from the elevator door to the ladder, easily sliding down them until his feet touched the ground below. "It's okay, this elevator shaft doesn't go further than this."  
Shepard and Liara soon joined him at the bottom of the shaft and together with Shepard, he managed to pry the door to the elevator open enough for them to climb back out.   
That's when the first strange sounds really made themselves audible.

"... Did you hear that?" Liara whispered.

"Still hearing it," Kaidan said, grimacing some. The pitch was high and despite it sounding far away, it made his ears hurt.

"Sounds like someone's scream," Shepard replied, keeping a firm grip on his gun.  
"Stay focused. There might be some trouble here after all."

The sight that met then as they headed further down into the large, dark room only confirmed that suspicion; several bodies similar to the Reaperfied bodies of the Rachni they had found on Utukku and the body of a very dead Asari.

"Well then," Kaidan said as Shepard stepped over to the body, kneeling down and gently pressing his fingers to the side of her throat.

"Dead."

"I guess we now know why the Monastery signalled for help," Kaidan murmured while walking over to a discarded compad by the body, picking it up. "But I wonder what happened here."

"Is it working?" Shepard asked as he straightened himself back up, looking around the dark room.

"Yeah, but it's locked. I'll need a minute to open it."

"Do it," Shepard replied before looking to Liara. "Does she look familiar?"

"This was the commando's captain," Liara responded as she kneeled down by the body, looking her over. "It seems they gave their lives fighting the Reapers."

"This monastery's out of the way," Shepard murmured, frowning some as he looked at the dead body. "What do the Reapers want with Ardat-Yakshi?"

"Whatever it is, it's probably nothing good," Kaidan commented while his fingers moved over the small screen, hacking his way into the compad. It didn't take him long. "Bingo."

"Anything useful," Shepard asked as he came walking over to Kaidan.

"A floor plan marked with the NavPoint location of a bomb," Kaidan said while holding the compad out for Shepard to see. "It's inside the Great Hall."

"So the commandoes started the purge after all," Liara murmured and the tone in her voice was one of worry.

"Ardat-Yakshi or not, evacuating this place would've saved a lot of lives," Shepard commented. "This place doesn't look overrun by Reapers, it must have been doable."

"This place is just about void of them," Kaidan replied while copying everything he could from the compad, then put it back down where he found it. He could investigate the data later.  
"The only bodies we've found are that of two Reaper-rachni or whatever they're called and this Asari Captain."

"The fighting could be further down, we did hear screams," Liara added.

"True, but all we hear are screams. If there was fighting, I feel we should be hearing... More," Kaidan commented, frowning some. "I dunno, there's just something creepy about everything."

"Let's see what we can find," Shepard said firmly while heading down towards a large, open doorway in the room, which headed downwards towards what seemed to be the Great Hall if the map was correct.  
"If there's no survivors, lets get to the Great Hall and set off that bomb. That way, we'll ensure that if there are Reapers crawling about, they won't be going anywhere."

"Roger, Commander," Kaidan merely said as they continued deeper into the dark Monastery.

They quietly made their way through a small way and into a larger, open room. Grand windows were bringing light into the otherwise dark building and for a moment, Kaidan felt calmer. Now they could see at least. He just hoped it would last.  
The screams had quieted down as they continued searching, but aside from the first bodies they had found, nothing looked out of place. It was like everyone had just vanished on the spot, leaving everything as it was when it happened; a discarded compad here, an empty cup there.  
Kaidan allowed himself a quick look out the large windows and even the garden outside seemed empty. No indication of anything going on, no burn marks on the green grass from something landing or taking off.

"This is so bizarre," he mumbled while Shepard started working on their next obstacle; a locked door.

"It is unnerving," Liara agreed. "If I didn't know better, I would believe they have already been evacuated, but that is impossible. The Monastery has no form of evacuation-plan because of the Ardat-Yakshi."

"That really sound unnecessary cruel, but I suppose I get it," Kaidan said, but just saying the words left a bad taste in his mouth.  
If they couldn't control the urge to "mate", then they had to be put in a secure place, especially since their mating killed.

"It is the only way until my people can find a cure for it."

"Hey Kaidan," Shepard said, turning his head to give his lover a small grin while his omni-tool worked on the door. "Think it would be the same way for human biotics? Murder with your mind?"

"I probably could," Kaidan merely deadpanned. "But probably not in the same way. I can kill you with my mind, but I can't kill with mind-sex."

"Probably just as good," Shepard mused before the door slid open. "We're through."

"You know, you have the worse timing, Shepard," Kaidan muttered as he followed his lover through the door.

"Just easing the tension."

"Oh, boys," Liara said as she held her gun up, looking tense.

As they fell quiet, the sound of the garbled, metallic noises that Kaidan linked with Reapers could be heard as well as the unmistakable sound of biotics being cast.  
"Someone's fighting," he whispered.

Shepard nodded and slowly crept towards the railings ahead of them.  
They were on a pathway overlooking an open area a floor down, once again illuminated thanks to large window that was across the room from them.  
Shepard gripped harder on his gun as he moved to the railing and carefully peeked down, gun already raised and aimed for defence. Moments later, the sounds of fighting stopped.  
His shoulders slumped down in a more relaxed stance as a female voice spoke and when Kaidan looked at him, he could see the traces of a smile on Shepard's face.

"Very good. I almost didn't hear you."

"Samara?"

The woman came into view and Kaidan was able to get a good look at her. Asari, clad in tight, red leathers and with decorations on her face.  
From that alone, he wouldn't have been able to place her, but Shepard had told him stories about her.   
Samara. The Asari Justicar.

"It has been some time, Shepard," Samara said, looking up at them with an almost warm smile on the otherwise calm, collected face.  
"You are a most welcome sight. The corruption here runs deep."

"I assume you're here on your own, Justicar," Liara said, crossing her arms over her chest.  
If Kaidan didn't know better, he would have said Liara sounded a bit... Cross with her. Or wary.  
"Perhaps for something special."  
It wasn't a question, but a statement. Almost an accusation.

"You are correct," Samara replied, her voice still calm. "Two of my daughters live here, and I have come for them."  
Then the mask broke, for just a second, but it was enough for them to see the pained look on the Justicar's face. "Unfortunately, the Reapers had already infested this place by the time I arrived."

"You met me hunting down your other Ardat-Yakshi daughter," Shepard said carefully. "Are these one just as dangerous?"

"Falere and Rila have followed the monastery's rules ever since they got here," Samara replied calmly. "They've shown no indication towards violence."

"And you're here to save them," Shepard stated, but Kaidan could hear the insecurity in Shepard's voice.  
He did not know much about Samara, only what Shepard had told him, but he had a feeling that there was something... Not something his lover had kept secret from him, that he was sure off, but perhaps just a piece of their story that he had forgotten. 

The way Samara lowered her head, a brief second of sorrow on her face, told Kaidan everything their words wouldn't.  
"They are my responsibility," she said, her voice only showing the tiniest bit of emotion. Sorrow.  
"-,and it's one that cannot be abandoned even as our galaxy crumbles."

"Let's go together," Shepard offered, a slightly sad look on his own face as he looked at Samara. "Maybe your daughters can tell us why the Reapers hit this place."

"I suspect they will have much to tell us," Samara replied as she turned around, walking over to the large windows. "It has been centuries since I last saw them."

"And I thought I had it bad, not seeing my parents for a couple of years when I was at the camp," Kaidan mumbled to himself.  
"I can't imagine not seeing any relatives or friends for centuries."

As a scream tore through the air, everybody's head snapped up, facing in the direction it came from.  
"There it is again," Liara said, her gun already raised, ready to defend herself.

"We're out of time," Samara said before letting her biotics ripple over her, the amount of power coming from her making the hairs at the back of Kaidan's neck stand up.  
"We will meet again," she stated as she walked in their direction, heading towards the sound from below. "I will draw these creatures off."

The words 'Find my daughters' were left unspoken, but were understood by them all, even as Shepard called out for her to wait.  
He frowned, and then shook his head as he looked towards Kaidan, then Liara. "Let's go."

They quickly scoped the platform they were on for any doors, with Kaidan quickly snatching up another discarded compad to probe for information as they found the body of another Asari commando. They took a moment to listen, but it became clear very quickly that this was a very personal message. A last wish from a dead lover.  
Instead of discarding it like he had with the other as soon as he had hacked it, Kaidan kept this one so they could return it to the dead Asari's lover. Maybe they would be able to provide some closure.

Kaidan certainly hoped so.

After the quick search, Shepard quickly guided them to the only visible door there was and when he palmed the controller the doors slid open without any problems, revealing a grand outside area.

"This place is enormous," Kaidan said with slight awe in his voice as he took in the area. "There must have been thousands of people living here."

"I haven't seen any survivors," Shepard replied, his voice slightly darker with emotions.

"Me neither," Kaidan mumbled. "And I bet most of them were civilians."  
It was hard to think positive about the odds of anyone being alive. They had only found two bodies so far, both belonging to the Asari Commando-squad, but with no ways to escape...   
Kaidan's thoughts brought him to Eden Prime, where they had seen the husks of humans for the first times and he shuddered.  
They had seen other species being Reaperfied, the latest being the Rachni, and Kaidan hated thinking about just what the Reapers could create out of a species like the Asari.

It probably wouldn't be good.

As they crept down the long, elegant staircase towards the outside garden, they finally saw signs of life; except it was not the people they were looking for.  
In fact, they heard it before they saw it; the same piercing scream they had heard before except this time, it was closer and the sound pierced through Kaidan's ears like needles, making him groan out in pain. "What is that," he groaned, touching his head as he felt the first signs of a head-ache coming.   
He was sensitive to loud sounds as it was, but the scream went straight through his ears and poked at every sensitive spot in his brain, it felt like.

Shepard was about to open his mouth and say something, but instead his eyes widened for just a moment before he lifted his gun and shot towards the side.   
Kaidan could hear the familiar sounds of biotics, but it was a different kind of energy. It wasn't natural, wasn't normal.

That's when they saw it. 

Teleporting towards them was a twisted, monstrous shape, its body long, the skin over its face stretched into a permanent, terrifying grin, teeth bared and mouth open. Its long arms had equally long, thin fingers, reaching towards them.  
It was slow, walking with long, slow strides, but when Shepard shot at it, it vanished, suddenly reappearing several feet from its previous spot.

"What the hell is that," Kaidan said again, flaring up his own biotics despite the throb. He'd have to endure as long as that damn thing didn't scream again.

"Dead if I have a say in it," Shepard called out, taking aim towards the creature. When he fired, it teleported again, closer towards Shepard.  
Shepard cursed and quickly rolled out its way, leaving behind a turret as a minor distraction as he got back into cover.  
It didn't last long; the creature waved its long fingers and from the hand came a powerful wave of biotics, instantly destroying the turret and missing Shepard with inches.  
"Shit!"

"Shepard, it's not alone," Liara cried out as she started firing her gun down towards a door that was a few feet away from the staircase, but still far away from where they were located.  
"There are more coming!"

"We can't move our focus from... from that thing," Kaidan yelled while tossing a grenade towards the long-limbed creature. "If we do, it might go for us!"

"Liara, can you keep those reapers at bay," Shepard yelled while tossing out another turret.

"I don't know, there are many of them," Liara responded, her biotics flaring as she tried to levitate a couple of them.

"Commander, help Liara," Kaidan called out as he sent a warp in the creature's direction, earning its attention. "I will keep this thing off you for as long as I can!"

Shepard looked like he wanted to protest, but eventually nodded. He knew Kaidan was well equipped to stand off against it; at least Kaidan hoped he was.  
He was shielded by his biotics and the shield that came with his armour, but if that thing screamed again, he could loose his focus.  
Steeling himself, Kaidan fired off a few shots towards the things face, almost instantly regretting it as the last bullet pierced through its shield and hitting it in the eye. It let out another piercing scream, making Kaidan bring both hands to his ears. He swore he could feel it vibrate through his implant, sending small jolts of pain up to his brain.

He couldn't let himself be stopped by it though. Gritting his teeth together, Kaidan let his biotic shield harness more power, the pressure in it increasing until it was light a stretched out rubber-band.   
The creature came closer, the long hand reaching towards him, the nails almost touching his shield. He held his breath, eyeing the thing and the second the long, ugly fingernail touched his shield, he let it go. With a focused yell, Kaidan let it explode from him, the biotic blast ripping away the biotic shield that was covering the creature.  
It got ready to scream again, the large mouth dropping open, but Kaidan wouldn't let it. "Shut up," he yelled as he aimed his gun up towards the ugly face, then pulled the trigger. He could see a large chunk of the creature's throat vanish as the bullet connected, a mix of blood and black matter spraying from the open wound. It efficiently silenced the thing, but it was still up and moving. In fact, it hardly seemed bothered by it. It did try to scream and while Kaidan could hear a choked rasp, bursts of blood spraying out from the open wound, it was unable to do much more.  
Good. Now Kaidan could focus.

Thankfully Shepard and Liara quickly got rid of the other intruders, and together they managed to get the screaming creature down with a last strangled attempt to cry.

"By the Goddess," Liara whispered as she walked over to the remains of the creature. "That... That looks like an Asari, doesn't it?"

"Sure does," Shepard commented as he joined the other two by the corpse. "Guess it was just a question of time before they were hit too."

"Yeah, though I hope they haven't managed to get a hold of a lot of them. Thessia hasn't been struck yet so they don't have a main source yet. ... So to speak. Because that thing there was strong. And loud," Kaidan grunted while rubbing his hand against his forehead. It was starting to throb some, but he knew they couldn't afford stopping.

"You okay there, Major," Shepard asked, giving his lover a concerned look while Kaidan just nodded, quickly popping a pill into his mouth and swallowing it dry. He hadn't though about bringing water with him and he wasn't about to search for it just to get a pill down.   
Still, the taste it left in his mouth was awful and he had to smack his lips a couple of times to get somewhat rid of it.

"I'm good, Commander. Let's move on." 

Together they hurried over to the door and as they stopped to get it open, Kaidan could hear the faint sounds of fighting. "There's someone in there! Think its survivors or that Justicar?"

"Only one way to find out," Shepard said while hacking his way through the door, his omnitool working fast as it picked through the combinations. With a soft "swish", the door opened just in time for them to see an Asari clad in white run past them with a Cannibal trailing behind her.  
She was tired, panting and her feeble biotic attacks did nothing to discourage the Cannibal as it made its way closer to her.

That's when Samara reappeared.

Things went quickly after that.

The girl as it turned out was Falere, one of Samara's daughters and the information she was able to provide was bone chilling.  
The monastery had been specifically been targeted by the Reapers because they wanted to turn the Ardat-Yakshi. It was a downright terrifying thought; a normal Asari was quite deadly on their own, but if they had a small platoon of especially turned Ardat-Yakshi..? The result was bound to be devastating.  
Falere also revealed that the creatures had taken her older sister to the great hall, pleading for them to save her. However, once she found out about the bomb, she became distract, jumping off the platform they were standing off and using her biotics to float down. Samara quickly followed her, asking for Shepard to join them quickly as she landed elegantly on the floor below.

"We will," Shepard had promised before dashing over to the elevator on the side of the platform, only to find it broken. "... Great."

"Well, if it's broken, we'll have to take the long route."

"Can you learn how to float down off a rail like that?"

"Well... Not in the next ten minutes," Kaidan had merely responded, earning a small giggle from Liara. "You're welcome to try though, Liara."

"We're in the same boat there," Liara replied with an apologetic smile. "I focused my biotics on other things."

"Then either we run or we jump off and see how far our luck takes us," Shepard added, but he immediately went for the hallway on the opposite side of the platform.  
Kaidan and Liara didn't even dignify the comment with an answer and merely followed.

The monastery was as dark and silent as before, and while they found another dead Asari Commando on the way, they found no trace of Reapers anywhere.  
They had seemingly been very swift and efficient in their attack, which didn't bode well.  
After a few minutes of careful manoeuvring, they managed to reach the Great Hall and dead in its centre was the bomb. Leaning against it was a seemingly unconscious Asari and hovering over her was Falere and Samara.

"This cant be good," Kaidan whispered, frowning some as they slowly made their way towards the trio in the centre.

It was these instances where Kaidan would have loved to be proven wrong, but everything quickly went south as they approached them.  
The unconscious Asari, Rila, was starting to awake, but as Falere helped her up, she attacked, hands going straight for her younger sisters throat. Falere let out a gasp and pushed her away, sending Rila almost crashing into Kaidan before she landed onto the floor, once again unconscious.

"Why... Why did she do that," Falere asked, her voice sounding hurt and scared.

"Because they have begun to turn her into one of the Reapers creatures," Samara replied, her voice neutral as she watched her daughter despair.

"I'm sorry," Shepard murmured, his expression pained as he looked at the two of them.  
Samara looked at Shepard, her face almost cold before she turned away, looking at her unconscious daughter.  
Shepard didn't push, it was clear that the moment was painful, but they had a job to do.  
He returned his attention to Liara and Kaidan, nodding his head towards the bomb. "Can we set off that bomb?"

"Not without a detonator," Kaidan replied with a slight shake to his head. "I've already looked it over, there's no over-ride on it. This was set up to be blown away from a distance. ... Logically enough. You don't want to be caught in the blast of that thing."

"The Commandoes would have had one," Shepard replied as he started checking in between the equipment and gear that was lying around the platform. It was clear that the Commandoes had probably only just finished setting everything up before the Reapers had found them.  
Kaidan was about to kneel down to help search before his hands flew up to his ears as an all too familiar scream filled the air, his face pulled into a grimace of pain. He managed to shake it off before Shepard saw it, his already lifted hands going for the gun fastened on his back instead.  
"Later," Shepard said as his own hands grabbed his rifle, his face wearing an expression of concentration. "Samara, can you protect the bomb and your daughters?"

"Of course," Samara replied, immediately summoning a biotic shield around herself, the bomb and her daughters as the first Reapers started filling the room.

Kaidan honestly couldn't remember much after that point.

He remembered fighting, the occasional screams of terror from the reaperfied Asari sending waves of pain through his head, but he remembered he kept on fighting through it.  
He somewhat remembered the last reaper falling and the unconscious girl waking up to warn them. Her link with the Reapers was apparently manifesting and she was telling them that more were coming.  
He remembered seeing the detonator in her hand, saying her goodbyes to her mother and sister as she gave her life to save them.  
He remembered having his arms around Falere as she screamed to get free, her hand reaching out from between the elevator door as she watched her sister being surrounded by several of the turned Asari before the elevator doors slid shut, the screams of the creatures echoing through the hallways.  
He remembered hearing the explosion as the bomb went off.

After that... Nothing.


	48. After-Care

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan gets to suffer a migraine, but he knows he is not doing it alone.

The light, as faint was it was, still burned Kaidan's eyes when he opened them, the effect similar as if he was looking directly at the sun, making him wince and grip his head with both hands, the sole of his palms pressing against his eyes.  
He wasn't sure where he was or how he had even gotten there; the last few hours (he at least hoped it was hours...) were a bit of a blur after the explosion in the monastery. The painkiller he had taken while still at the monastery had done nothing to dull the pain from the screaming creatures that had once been Asari and as they had screamed, his senses must have been overwhelmed at some point, causing him to pass out from the sensory overload.

He tried to shift, feeling the bare skin on his legs slide against one another, telling him that he was at least partly naked, covered in a soft blanket before a wave of nausea flowed through him, quickly followed by the sensation of not being able to tell up from down. What he was wearing because less than important as he let out another groan of discomfort, forcing himself to keep as still as possible.

"Hey... How are you feeling," Shepard's low, soothing voice whispered from somewhere in front of him, making Kaidan moaned as even the low sound made his head throb.

"Ssssh..." he managed to shakily whisper out, but even his own voice was enough to create a wave of nausea which he only barely managed to fight down.

Shepard made a small sound of sympathy, but nothing further was said. However, Kaidan did feel something cold and wet press against his forehead, making him sigh out in pleasure as the cold feeling seemed to soothe the throbbing somewhat. Warm, gentle hands gently pried his hands away from his face so the cloth could reach everywhere and while Kaidan automatically made a small, protesting sound, he was more than happy to replace his own, slightly callused hands with the cold, slightly damp cloth.   
It certainly felt much better.  
When the cloth was then removed, he let out a small groan, already missing the cool cloth.

A gentle hand was placed under his head and something cold and firm was pressed against his lips. "Drink," Shepard whispered and Kaidan obeyed, taking a few gulps and swallowing. "Keep some of it in your mouth," was whispered next and again Kaidan obeyed, taking a gulp and holding it in his mouth as Shepard pressed something against his lips. He didn't question it, merely taking whatever was offered to him and swallowing it down.

Warm lips pressed against his forehead tenderly and if Kaidan was in any state to enjoy it, he would have appreciated the gesture.   
For now, he was too far gone to really appreciate anything except the things that soothed the ache, but it was still a sweet gesture.  
"Shepard," he whispered while closing his eyes, trying to focus on breathing slowly and deeply, letting whatever capsule Shepard have given him work its magic.

“I’m here,” Shepard whispered, his voice barely auditable and while the words still made his head throb, Kaidan wanted to hear Shepard’s voice.  
“Sorry that I keep talking, but just let the meds to its job, okay, Kaidan? I’ll be here.”

Kaidan just gave a small, careful nod, the motion being enough to send a new, slighter wave of nausea through him, but he didn’t trust his own voice right now.  
As he felt the numbness spread through his body, he guessed Shepard had either asked Chakwas for Kaidan’s brand of pain meds or he had found Kaidan’s stash in his pouch. He rarely went anywhere without some, after all. Just in case something happened.

After the numbness spread through his body, efficiently numbing all his muscles, Kaidan felt his mind being affected next, slowly, but steadily dampening the insistent thudding of pain in his skulls.  
Based on the shape and size of the capsule he had taken, Kaidan guessed Shepard had given him a whole one, which was fine.  
He usually took only half a pill, enough to make him functional as a whole one usually was enough to knock him out. In this instance, however, he felt that being knocked out was probably for the better. Sometimes it was just better to ride it out while unconscious. It was less of a hassle that way.  
Still, at the same time, he felt as if he was becoming a burden to Shepard. Knowing his lover, he had probably spent all his time, watching over him and Kaidan knew that Shepard had more than enough to do.

As it was, he didn’t have it in him to protest as the pill was working its intended magic, making Kaidan feel extremely tired.   
The last thing he remembered before sleep claimed him was a callused hand gently stroking his cheek before he finally let himself drift off.

***

When his eyes fluttered open, Kaidan once again found himself unsure about just how much time had passed, but this time he didn’t want to curl up and die as the very slight light in the room hit his eyes.  
His head was still hurting, but it was more an insisting throb rather than the full-out drumming that had been in his head earlier, which was a vast improvement. He was still a little nauseas, but he didn’t feel the need to throw up when he moved in the bed.

Using his hands to push his upper body up from the bed, Kaidan managed to get himself into a sitting position, letting out a small grunt as he felt his head spin for a moment.

“Hey there, sleeping beauty,” he heard Shepard chuckle from somewhere in front of him.  
“How are you feeling?”

“I’ve been better,” Kaidan grunted, rubbing his hand over his face before slowly lowering himself back down, letting his head fall back onto the pillow.  
“What time is it?”

“About ten in the evening, earth-time. You’ve been out for about… Sixteen hours.”

“Sixteen?” Kaidan let out a groan as he let the hand remain on his face. “… Shit.”

“Don’t sweat it, Kaidan. You didn’t pass out until you were back on the shuttle,” Shepard said, getting up from behind his desk after finishing up the last of a report he had been writing.  
“Or rather, when you were getting off it. We could tell you were a bit off when you were on the shuttle, like you were going on autopilot, but I didn’t know that… You were feeling this bad.” Shepard paused as he walked over to the bed, gently sitting down so he was looking down at Kaidan, a look of worry on his face.  
“… You more or less passed out into my arms the moment you stepped off the shuttle. Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Didn’t know it was that bad, in all honesty,” Kaidan murmured, giving Shepard an apologetic smile.   
“But apparently those damn screams got to me more than I care to admit. It’s… It’s like they pierced through my brain and echoed in there.”

“And you’re sensitive to high-pitched noises,” Shepard murmured, a flicker of guilt crossing over his face. “… Shit, Kaidan. I am sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Kaidan said, giving Shepard what he hoped was a strict look, but he suspected it was sleepier than anything else.  
“We weren’t prepared for something like that, but now we know and I can prepare accordingly. I hear good things about earplugs.”

Shepard let out a small snort before he smiled at Kaidan again, just looking at him before leaning down and kissing him gently. “Just… Don’t do that again, okay?” he murmured after breaking the kiss, giving Kaidan a small, warm smile.  
“You scared the heck out of me. I’ve already had to carry you off the battlefield once, I… I don’t want to do it again.”

Kaidan just let out a small, soft chuckle, giving Shepard a tired smile. “I’ll try my best, Commander,” he murmured softly.

“That’s all I ask.”  
Shepard shifted some as he gently offered Kaidan another glass of water, helping Kaidan sit up so he could drink it.   
“Think you can stomach some food? I can have something simple brought up. Think we still have some broth we can make.”

“Yeah, I… I can get down some food. Make it salty if you can,” Kaidan replied after drinking, already feeling the water soothe the feeling of nausea further. He knew he was probably dehydrated, especially if he had been more or less knocked out for sixteen hours. The salt wouldn’t help on the dehydration naturally enough, but it would help on the nausea more than the water would.

“You got it,” Shepard said, refilling the glass with water, then offering it to Kaidan before he got up.  
“I got a meeting with the Quarian fleet in about two hours,” he said while walking over to the comsystem. “And I need to grab a quick chat with Hackett before the meeting. Think you will be okay up here on your own?”

Kaidan let out a small chuckle, trying his best not to swallow the water down the wrong pipe. “Shepard, it’s a migraine. I’ve had worse, believe it or not, and survived.”  
The look on Shepard’s face when Kaidan said he had had worse was enough to make Kaidan laugh again before flashing his lover a tired, but sincere smile.  
“I’ll be fine,” he said firmly. “Leave me half of a pill and get me that broth and I will be able to work my way through this, as long as you don’t mind me taking advantages of your bed and possibly shower.”

“Whatever you need to feel better, Kaidan,” Shepard said, his expression softening from the look of surprise to a warmer, loving smile.  
“You know I don’t mind. I’ll get you your compads if you want, for when you can actually look at them again.”

“Yeah, that would be great if you could. I will probably sleep for a while longer, but would be nice for later.”

Shepard nodded, letting out a small breath of air before he looked at Kaidan again. “… Do you need anything?” he asked again. “Anything at all? An extra pillow, blankets? Need me to dim the lights further?”  
When Kaidan gave Shepard a look, one eyebrow raised an a clearly amused smile playing on his lips, Shepard let out a small chuckle of his own. “… Need me to shut up?”

“I need you to relax,” Kaidan mused. “And not to worry about me. It’s a migraine. It hurts, it sucks, but it hasn’t killed me in the past and I doubt it’s going to kill me now.”

“I know,” Shepard sighed, shaking his head some as he reached his hand up, pinching the bridge between his eyes. “I just… I don’t like seeing you like this and know that… I can’t do shit about it. You-,” he started, then stopped, hesitated before looking back at Kaidan.  
“I need you, Kaidan,” he finally said after a few seconds. “To keep me grounded.”

“Shepard…” Despite his body feeling more or less like he was moving through water, Kaidan reached up and cupped Shepard’s cheek tenderly, giving him a small smile.  
“I am here. And now that we know about those… Things, then I can take precautions for my own sake. Just like I’ve done in the past to block out those screeching, metallic noises the Geth made.”

Shepard leaned his head into the hand, closing his eyes for a moment before chuckling. “… I am being an idiot, I know,” he murmured. “Here I am, supposed to take care of you and in the end, you are the one reassuring me. Some kind of caretaker I am, huh?”

“One for one, Commander,” Kaidan murmured before giving Shepard’s cheek a playful pat.   
“Go now. Hackett is waiting for you, as are the Quarians. Please keep me updated on what will happen, hmm?”

“Of course,” Shepard said, leaning over to give Kaidan a small, tender kiss on the lips before he got up from the bed, walking towards the elevator.  
As he walked up the small set of stairs, he stopped, then turned again so he could look at his lover.  
“Are you sure you- “

“Go,” Kaidan said firmly, smirking some as he let himself sink back against Shepard’s semi-soft pillows.  
“I am fine. If I need anything, I’ll let EDI know.”

“You su- “

“Go, Shepard. Or I will throw a pillow at you.”

“Okay, okay, I am going,” Shepard chuckled, smiling at Kaidan. “But I will be back with that soup and the compads, okay? So hold fire on my return, please.”

“Depends on how long you linger,” Kaidan smiled before closing his eyes, inhaling deeply through his nose as he listened to Shepard’s retreating footsteps, then the soft swoosh from the cabin door. When it closed again, the only sound was the sound of the Normandy’s engines and the light hum from the fish-talk.

Despite having not been up at Shepard’s cabin too many times, he still found the sound comforting. It felt good, even right, to be up here instead of being in the soldier’s quarters downstairs. He still had a bed and most of his meagre belongings down there, but he’d feel bad keeping others out of the quarters while he got through his migraine.  
There was always the med bay, but again, he didn’t want to take up space for people with real issues, especially since there was a limited set of beds down there. That and the med bay wasn’t equipped to have lights turn off at just one part of the med bay; turn one light off and you made the entire bay dark.  
No, Shepard’s quarters made sense and he knew Shepard could do the same to any other crewmember if they needed it.  
Still, it felt good to be up there and even better that Shepard had taken the time to tend to him. Kaidan hated feeling weak, hated being a burden, but he also knew that Shepard didn’t view him as either, which made it easier to feel comfortable up there.

Letting out a small grunt, Kaidan brought a hand up to his forehead, carefully rubbing at the skin there in an attempt to ease up the throbbing that was still very much existing at the very front of his head.  
Pills could only do so much, Kaidan knew, especially since he knew it was all the implant’s fault and while the special cocktail his doctor at the Citadel had insisted on him drinking at least a couple of times a week did help somewhat, he really didn’t think he could stomach that concoction right now.

Instead he shifted on the bed, removing his hand from his face and rested it along with the other over his stomach as he decided to try and meditate it away. It had helped stave off head-aches in the past and he was really grateful for the breathing techniques he had learned both from Liara and from his doctor.

Inhaling deeply, Kaidan kept his eyes closed as he focused on levelling out his breathing and lowering his heart-rate as much as he could in an attempt to lure his body to relaxed. In a way, half the job had already been done, with his body feeling like it was made out of led.  
Slowly, but steadily, he felt himself relax further, his breathing growing deeper and slower as he focused on the sound of the fish-tank, letting it be a sort of focus-point for his breathing, trying to match it with the rhythm of the tank.

He wasn’t sure exactly when he started drifting off or how long he had even tried drifting off, but at some point Kaidan felt his eyelids, mind and body grown heavy, leaving him in a state of half-slumber as he breathed slowly and steadily.  
He was halfway aware of careful footsteps in the room, coming closer towards him before stopping by the bed. He could hear something being put down before a warm, callused hand gently touched his forehead, then his cheek before being replaced by a pair of warm, slight chapped lips. When the lips were removed, he heard the steps again before the room was once again quiet.  
Inhaling deeply, Kaidan let his head bury against Shepard’s pillow and with the scent of Shepard filling his nostrils, he allowed himself to fall properly asleep.


	49. Dreadnought

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan meets Tali again as well as meets one of Shepard's old friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not a 100% happy with how this chapter turned out, but it had to be written. Hopefully the fact that it is so long wont make it bad, but I honestly found no good place to cut it. X.x

Kaidan was amazed at just how unorganized the entire galaxy was when it came to the Reaper-threat. They were all in danger and yet everyone was basically saying “Yes, I will help, but only if you do this for me first”. Nobody was willing to do anything unless they got something out of it first and despite how much Kaidan tried to make sense of it, he couldn’t. He just couldn’t see the logic of demanding something when you stood a great chance of losing it if they didn’t get their finger out of their asses.  
He guessed this was why he couldn’t do politics. It was just too nonsensical for him.

He had just managed to pull himself together after a rather nasty forty-eight hours of discomfort, nausea and pain thanks to his migraine, only to step into a situation that seemed likely to give him a new one.  
It certainly seemed like Shepard was nursing one of his expression was anything to go by.

When the meeting was over with, Shepard had updated Kaidan as quickly as he could as he suddenly found himself with another ten things to do in addition to the hundreds of things that were already on the list.  
And now that they were heading towards the Quarian home-system, Kaidan honestly wasn’t entirely sure how to feel. His mind whirling with his own thoughts and opinions as he slowly digested what Shepard had told him: yes, it was admirable that they wanted to reclaim their home-world, but the timing was absolutely disastrous, especially of the Reapers had gotten a hold of the Geth again. It was selfish and while Kaidan held his tongue on the ridiculous demand of “we will scratch your back if you scratch ours first”, he did voice his opinion to Shepard in private. He was not surprised that Shepard agreed, but he also understood that Shepard had little to no choice in the matter; they needed the Quarians and their expertise in the battle against the Reapers.

Everything moved fast from there and when Joker announced the ETA over the com-system, Kaidan had already suited up.  
He hadn’t had a chance to talk to Tali again himself, she had been busy trying to tame the other Admirals and he had been busy running intel on the situation. It had only been a few hours since the Admirals came to the Normandy until they were now in the Quarian home-system so Kaidan hadn’t had much time to digest exactly what was happening.  
He doubted anyone really had.

“Ready,” Shepard called out as he came out from the elevator, Tali right behind him.

“Ready,” Kaidan confirmed as he put on his helmet, securing the locks before grabbing his weapons, making sure they were fastened to his suit’s weapon-slots. He then followed after Shepard and Tali, quickly catching up to them as they headed to the exit of the Normandy.

“Alright, here’s the plan,” Shepard said as he walked, only pausing when they reached the door to the decompression room.  
“Based on the intel we know, there’s something that is broadcasting a Reaper signal, disturbing the Geth and egging them on. EDI and the Quarians has tracked it to the ship we’re about to board. So… Once we’re aboard, we find whatever’s broadcasting the Reaper signal and shut it down.”  
He nodded his head towards Tali as they stopped, glancing at her. “Tali’s our expert on Geth software. She’ll be handling hacking and security.”

“Nice and simple,” Kaidan said with a slight smile. “I can’t see anything go wrong with that plan.”

“It is a Shepard plan,” Tali mused before looking over at Kaidan, the smile visible from the way the glow in her eyes curved slightly.   
“They are always flawless.”

Kaidan chuckled some before smiling back at her, his own eyes curving slightly. “Good to see you again, Tali.”

“You too, Kaidan,” Tali replied before gesturing teasingly at his Omni-tool. He could already see where this was going. “How’s the Omni-tool? Still using the Logic Arrest?”

“It’s still the best model,” Kaidan mused while crossing his arms over his chest. 

“Not for running multiple attack processes simultaneously. You need a Nexus.”

“Nexus shield enhancements are year behind the curve!”

“That’s why you overclock the microframe,” Tali replied with a slight sing-song tone to her voice, making both Shepard and Kaidan laugh slightly.

“We can argue about that later,” Kaidan teased back, genuinely feeling happy to see Tali again. He had missed their tech-talks late at night while on the old Normandy.  
“For now, let’s focus on something slightly more important.”

“Only slightly, huh?” Shepard said with a small smirk before letting himself slip back into Commander-mode as EDI’s voice sounded over the com-system.

“Shepard, there is a problem. All tubes except one are physically secured.”

“I see the free one,” Joker added as his voice came onto the com along with EDI’s. “Pretty torn up, though.”

“Too risky for the whole team,” Shepard mumbled before looking over at Kaidan, eyes meeting with his lover’s.  
“I’ll secure the docking area. Everyone else can follow me over.”

“Roger that, Commander,” Joker replied. “We’ll just stay here, you know… Quietly.”

Kaidan wanted to protest, but he knew that Shepard knew what he was doing. He couldn’t go against the order of his Commander just because he was his lover.   
As if sensing Kaidan’s inner turmoil, Shepard moved a hand to the underside of his helmet, switching the frequency over to a private channel for a moment. “I’ll be fine, Kaidan. I promise.”  
Kaidan merely smiled and nodded, resisting the urge as Shepard gave him a quick wink and turning the main-channel back on.  
“Hang tight. It’ll just be a minute.”

As far as Kaidan was concerned, that was the longest minute in his life.

Both he and Tali listened in as Shepard slowly moved through the torn-up tube, making small comments about the distance, the speed and the status of the tube itself until the distance made the short-distance communication-system fall out.

“I hope he is careful,” Tali murmured, eyes glued to the small window out towards the dreadnought. 

“It’s Shepard,” Kaidan said, swallowing some. “He’ll be okay.”

“True. It is Shepard,” Tali echoed, but somehow she didn’t sound convinced.   
Not that Kaidan blamed her, he didn’t feel convinced either. Shepard had an unnatural ability of attracting trouble, even when he wasn’t looking.

As if to prove them both right, the flimsy tube tore itself free from the Geth dreadnought, making them both yell out Shepard’s name in fear that he was still in it, with Tali’s hands flying up to her mask and Kaidan’s hands slamming against the window.

There was a silence that stretched out for what seemed like minutes, but in reality it was just a few seconds.

“It’s okay, you guys. He made it over safely,” Joker’s voice suddenly sounded over the system.

Kaidan let out a breath of air as he heard the voice, letting his head fall against the glass. “Jesus, Shepard…”

“But it looks like the rest of you will have to find a different way in. Tali, he asked for you to get on the schematics for the dreadnought so you help navigate him to a different tube. You know… One that won’t fall to pieces.”

“Okay, I’ll come up so I can talk to him,” Tali replied before looking at Kaidan. “Will you come with me?”

“Of course,” Kaidan said quickly hurrying after the Quarian as she headed back up towards the cockpit.   
Edi had already pulled up the schematics from hacking into the Geth system, but gracefully moved from her seat so Tali could take over.

“Okay, Shepard, I have the schematics,” she said after connecting to the Normandy’s radio-frequency. “Can you hear me?”

“Loud and clear, Tali. Lead the way.”

“Great,” Tali said as she increased the schematics of the dreadnought up further. “I’m looking for,” she started, fingers moving over the map to find the tube they had used to enter, nodding as Kaidan pointed towards it after a few seconds.   
“Got it. There should be a hull breach not far from your position. The nearest undamaged docking tube is on the other side.”

There were a few seconds of silence before Shepard’s voice sounded over the radio again. “Think I found that hull breach you mentioned. You weren’t kidding when you said it wasn’t far from my position.”

“Admiral Gerrel tried a frontal assault. We lost six frigates. That tiny hole was the only damage we did,” Tali replied, her voice slightly sad-sounding as she spoke.

“… Ouch,” was all Kaidan could think to say, lowering his head some.  
He knew that Geth ships were known for their advanced design and solid structure, but that… That was amazing. And terrifying.

“I wouldn’t call it tiny,” Shepard replied. “Not from where I’m standing at least. But I see your point. I am sorry, Tali.”

“Thank you, Shepard,” Tali muttered quietly.

“Not the way you’d have done it?”

Kaidan recognized the tactic as Shepard continued speaking and he was grateful for it. He was keeping communications up, just in case something happened or if his signal got blocked. By constantly talking, he could reassure them that he was okay as well as reassure himself. It left him at somewhat of a risk, but considering the situation, it didn’t matter. He was at risk anyway.

“No, he was too aggressive,” Tali replied, unable to hold the slight anger out of her voice. “I argued, but as admiral of the Heavy Fleet, it was ultimately his decision.”

“What about the other admirals?”

“Xen backed the invasion, largely as a chance to test her toys. Raan gave provisional support.” Tali sighed and shook her head slightly. “Only Koris opposed the war with me. And he was right. We could lose the whole fleet, Shepard.”

“We’ll get your people out of here safely.”

“Thank you, Shepard. But for now, let’s focus on getting you to safety. Or at least safely with us,” Tali said, inhaling softly as she looked at the screen. “What do you see?”

“I’m with a control-panel, but it’s not functioning. I see a ladder a little behind it though.”

“You want to go up that one, Shepard,” Tali replied while enhancing the schematics a little so they could see roughly where he would be.

“Roger that,” Shepard replied before the channel turned quiet again. Kaidan lifted his head and looked out the cockpit windows, towards the large dreadnought. The size of it was terrifying and Shepard was inside it… Alone.

“Okay, I am up and I’m in front of a door that was to my right. Opening it now.”

“Okay,” Tali replied, gesturing to the map so Kaidan could see.  
“You should enter a small room on the other side with another door. The docking tube should be in the room on the other side of that next door.”

“Gotcha. I’ll check it out,” Shepard replied before the channel went silent again.

Several more seconds passed before the news they were waiting for came.

“I’ve found another airlock. I think we’re good to go.”

“Great. If you override the controls, we’ll be right there,” Tali replied as she got up, nodding at Kaidan in confirmation. “We’ll head back down and get ready.”

“See you on the flip-side,” Shepard replied.

The Normandy slowly flew over to the new destination as Kaidan and Tali hurried back downstairs to meet with their Commander.  
The wait seemed like it was stretching out for hours before Shepard gave them clearance to cross over. Thankfully, thanks to Shepard’s hacking skills and Joker’s flying, the path was easy to cross, bringing both Kaidan and Tali over safely.

While Tali seemed more interested in her surroundings, Kaidan hurried over to Shepard, wanting and needing to see that he was okay as he couldn’t immediately see him.  
When he saw Shepard on the upper platform, he felt more at ease. “You okay, Commander?”

“Better now,” Shepard replied, making Kaidan chuckle ever so slightly.

“Yeah… Me too.”

Shepard nodded his head some before moving over to the ladder to the upper platform, gesturing for the others to come up. “There’s a door here,” he said while watching Kaidan climb up, giving him a hand up as his lover reached the top. “But I don’t know where we’re going. Where to, Tali?”

“Here,” Tali responded, walking over to a closed door as she got up onto the platform. “Let me see if I can get this open.” She then held a gun up, placing it down onto the console before heading over to the door. “In the meantime, take a look at this.”

“What is it,” Kaidan asked while Shepard picked up the gun.

“Looks impressive. Is it Geth technology,” Shepard asked, looking over Tali who’d let out a snort as she started hacking the door.

“No. It’s Quarian, thank you very much. It’s Admiral Xen’s design. It transmits an energy pulse on contact that disrupts shields and synthetics.”

“Perfect for taking out Geth,” Kaidan murmured while Shepard let out a whistle as he looked the gun over. 

“That’ll come in handy. Want it, Major?”

“By all means, keep it,” Kaidan snorted while shaking his head. “I’ve got my own electrical attacks.”

“More toys for me,” Shepard mused, fastening the gun to his hip before looking over to Tali. “How’s the door looking?”

“Just a second,” Tali said moments before the door slid open. “There, it’s open. We’re clear to go.”

“Good job,” Shepard said while prepping his rifle, nodding towards the others to do the same.  
“Get ready. Our arrival here has probably not gone unnoticed.”

“If it has, I’d be very surprised,” Kaidan said as he got his shotgun ready.

“So where are we headed,” Shepard asked as they followed Tali down a small pathway, stopping as she started working on another locked door.

“We’re looking for an operations center,” Tali responded while getting the door open. “I can disable the Reaper command signal from there.”

“Where’s the closest one,” Shepard asked as the door slid open, revealing another large open area on the other side.

“Past their defense network and through a sensor cluster.” Tali let out a small shudder of her own. “Gah, vents. Always the vents.”

“Come now, you did fine at the collector base,” Shepard said reassuringly.

“I got set on fire,” Tali retorted, jabbing a finger at Shepard’s chest.

“Well, at least these vents are somewhat big?” Shepard offered while they slowly started moving towards a console at the far-side of the room.

“This is a vent for the Geth? Oh, brother…”  
Kaidan could already feel his adrenalin rising as he tried to prepare himself from anything.   
Geth… He really hated fighting Geth.

As expected, it didn’t take long for the first Geth to find them and thanks to their joined consensus, their own silent alarm was pretty much sounding all over the Dreadnought by the time they managed to take the first two down.

“This might get slightly hairy,” Shepard grunted as more Geth came flooding into the area, using his new gun for all it was worth to disable the Geth long enough for Tali and Kaidan to take them down.

“You think,” Kaidan called back as he let his biotics flare up, sending two of the machines levitating. He was still wary of the fact that he’d just gotten better from a rather intense case of migraines so he took it easy. Thankfully, sending a couple of Geth’s flying didn’t take much out of him.

“So where do we need to go, Tali,” Shepard called out as a rather large Geth decided to come out of hiding.

“We need to cross the bridge and head in the direction the Geth came from,” Tali called out as she ducked behind a console, barely dodging a bullet. 

“Of course we do,” Shepard replied dryly as he unclipped his turret-drone from his belt, tossing it over.  
“Let’s try and make this as quick and painless as we can!”

“It’s not far,” Tali added, tossing a turret-drone of her own towards the Geth.  
“We cross the platform, down a ladder, down a halfway, through a door and down another hallway!”

“Did you memorize this entire layout,” Kaidan asked while using his shotgun to cripple the Geth, sending a couple of rounds into the joints of their feet.

“Of course! Getting lost on a Geth Dreadnought seemed like a bad idea,” Tali deadpanned while Kaidan just let out a small chuckle.

“I’ve missed you, Tali.”

“I’ve missed you too, Kaidan, but we need to get to the Observation center before they box us in!”

“Roger that!”

The group continued to push on, the Geth groups popping out from every door to halt their process as they pressed towards their goal.  
As Tali has predicted, as soon as they managed to get down to the platform below the one they were on, Kaidan could see the hallway right ahead of them, along with an entire group of Geth.  
“Seems like the welcome party is already here,” Kaidan commented as he immediately cocked his shotgun, taking out one of them.

“Let’s not be rude then,” Shepard said while taking a shot at one of the other ones with his sniper rifle.

The first thing Kaidan noted himself was how the attacks seemed to stop as they took out the group waiting for them.  
“Tali, didn’t you say they shared a consensus? Why aren’t there more here?”

“They might be preparing to box us in or attack us in a different way. They can adapt to how we fight, so if we are aggressive- “

“-then they might get more defensive. That or do something really nasty,” Kaidan finished as they quickly headed down the hallway, letting Tali handle hacking the doors.  
“Gotcha.”

As the door slid open, another hallway was revealed behind it, just as empty as the first one.

“You know, these hallways are a bit too silent for my liking,” Shepard said while walking as quickly towards the door down the hallway.  
“What are the odds that they will all be waiting for us at the Observation Center?”

“About fifty-fifty,” Tali offered. “The Geth may already have realized why we are here and will defend the Observation Center with all their might. Or they may not want to risk harming whatever is in there, meaning that it is already highly protected.”

“Only one way to find out,” Shepard replied as they reached the door at the end of the hallway.  
“Through here?”

Tali nodded. “Yes. The dreadnought’s observation center is just ahead.”

“Good,” Shepard said, turning his back on Tali along with Kaidan so they could keep her safe, just in case they got ambushed from behind.   
“Let’s cut the Reaper signal and get the fleet out of here. If we can.”

Tali nodded before hacking through the door, letting it slide open. Shepard and Kaidan immediately turned around as they wandered into the new area together, only to duck as shots were aimed at them.  
“Seems like they were waiting in here!”

“And they have sent in the Hunters,” Tali said as she saw the flicker of the black armor before the camouflage shield flickered over it.   
“We got to watch out!”

“Is this the observation center, Tali,” Kaidan asked while aiming towards the faint distortions he could see in the air as the hunters moved in closer.

“Yes, but the computer is on the other side of the room,” Tali called out, using her combat drones to disable the shields along with Shepard’s own drone.

“Of course it is,” Shepard grunted. “And they sent in the heavy-shots to stop us.”

“Hardly. The Juggernauts are the heavy-shots of the Geth fleet,” Tali deadpanned while Shepard let out a groan.

“And I just jinxed us. Let’s rectify that by taking out these bastards before big brother decides to show up.”

“Gladly,” Kaidan replied as he continued firing on them.  
They were tougher than the drones they had sent in earlier and it was clear to see that whatever had been sent their way earlier was just to slow them down long enough for the tougher Geth to reach them.  
Because of their camouflage, the group had to be extra alert of their surroundings, but thanks to Tali and Shepard’s drones, the work became a little bit easier. They weren’t as easily fooled as the human eye, able to read the heat-signature that came from the machines and thus attack, interrupting their disguise for a few seconds.  
A few seconds were usually all the trio needed to take their shots, but the combination of though armor and shield made them harder to take down quickly.  
There was one tense moment when one of the Hunters came close enough to get a close shot on Tali, but the Quarian quickly managed to stun it with an electric charge from her omnitool before she scurried away, aiming shots at the Hunter’s legs to slow it down. A powerful shot to the head of the Hunter from Kaidan helped in bringing it down, sending it crashing onto the ground.

“Thanks, Kaidan.”

“Don’t mention it. Just stay sharp, we’ve still got cloaked Geth around here.”

Encourage by the removal of one Hunter, the group turned their attention to remaining Hunters still in the room. Kaidan and Tali did their best to slow down and stun as many of them as they could, with Kaidan’s levitate being particularly effective, giving them enough time to turned a joined focus on one Hunter at a time.  
Despite the good team-work between them, it took them a long time to get all the Hunters down. Kaidan knew that it only took a couple of minutes’ tops, but in the situation they were in, it could have might as well been hours.

When the final Hunter went down, Shepard was quick to jump up from behind his cover along with the others, hurrying over to the other side of the room.  
“Okay, Tali, do your thing,” he said while covering her back along with Kaidan, letting Tali handle the computer.

“I just need a few seconds-,” Tali started, hands flying over the keyboard of the computer before she let out a curse. “Damn it, they’ve locked down the Reaper signal. We can’t shut it down from here in the Observation Center!”

“Not only that,” Kaidan said while looking at the sudden warnings that flashed over the computer-screens. “But it seems like they’re trying to lock us in.”

“Damn,” Shepard cursed. “Then where do we go?”

“Give me a minute,” Tali replied quickly, bringing up a holographic map of the dreadnought. “I can possible find out where the Reaper signal is coming from. I just need a little bit of time.”

“Not to be rude or to rush you, Tali, but we don’t have a lot of it,” Kaidan warned, his senses on hyper-alert.

“I don’t need a lot,” Tali said before pointing to an area of the dreadnought that was colored red. “There! The Reaper signal’s coming from the drive core!”

“So if we get there, we shut it down?” Shepard asked.

“Right, but how do we get there,” Tali said, looking towards the map. “The Geth have sealed emergency bulkheads to block us off.”   
To show the others what she meant, she enhanced the map and gestured to the pathway. “We need a route to the drive core that can’t be blocked, a path that runs the length of the ship.”

Shepard frowned some as he studied the map along with Kaidan, then pointed to the over-side of the ship. “What about the main battery?” he asked as his finger gestured by the path. “It runs right by the drive core.”

“That could work,” Tali said slowly, sounding hesitant enough to make Shepard turn to her.

“But?” 

“The Geth still have us locked in here. We need to get the doors open.”

“You can’t hack them,” Shepard asked while Tali shook her head.

“No. They’ve locked high-level processes.”

“Then what do we do,” Kaidan asked while Tali rubbed her fingers against the bottom of her mask.

“I am thinking… We need something basic,” she said slowly as she started pacing. “A ship-wide emergency, like a fire.”

“Like a fire, eh?” Shepard started, tapping his finger against the barrel of his gun. “How about the heat diffusion system?”

“The diffusion system,” Tali asked before snapping her fingers. “Wait! If I faked a thermal warning, it would open all maintenance tubes for emergency venting!”

“Would that override the lockdown?”

“Yes,” Tali replied while she started working on the computer again. “It will only take me a few seconds to create the warning…” she mumbled while working, her fingers flying over the keyboard.  
Mere seconds later, the computer let out a beep. “Yes! Okay, I have it primed,” she said, looking to Shepard.  
“But be ready. I’m reading hostile Geth on the other side of the doors.”

Shepard nodded before cocking his gun. “Then let’s give them a warm welcome. Everybody, get behind cover. Let’s try to catch them as much by surprise as we can!”

“Yes, Commander,” Kaidan said as he quickly got himself behind cover, shotgun ready.

True to Tali’s warning, the second she set of the fake warning, the entire hologram of the dreadnought flashed up in red, indicating that the warning had gone through.  
It didn’t take more than a few seconds before the doors to the observation deck swung open and a swarm of Geth entered the room in search of them. 

The second battle was no easier than the first one and this time there were more than just a handful of Hunters coming for them and they didn’t settle for just coming through the doors.

“We’ve got Geth dropping in,” Kaidan yelled as he spotted the first Hunter come from the ceiling, quickly using his biotics to halt its movements, only to slam it hard back up against the ceiling before letting it drop down.

“Keep your eyes peeled, don’t let them overrun us,” Shepard yelled as he started shooting.  
“Aim to slow or halt, try to make every shot count!”

Knowing that they couldn’t afford to spend too much time fighting, Kaidan decided to go against his better judgement, letting more of his biotics flare up as he started to actively use it against the Geth. He still held back, not wanting a repeat performance of the other day, but he still pressed himself a little more than what was probably wise.  
Right now they needed the edge.

Despite their best efforts not to drag the battle out, taking down all the Hunters along with the almost constant swarm of Geth soldiers took more time than they could really afford, but in the end they managed to create an opening for themselves.

“Let’s get to the maintenance shaft before more reinforcements arrive,” Tali called out, immediately moving to the door and started hacking it open.

“Roger that,” Kaidan agreed, covering her back along with Shepard as they waited for her to get the door open.  
It only took the Quarian seconds of work before the door slid open with a hiss, giving them the chance to escape the room.

“Can you shut that door, Tali,” Shepard asked as soon as they were on the other side, guns at the ready.

“Of course,” Tali quickly replied, closing the door before hacking back into the locking system, locking the door behind them.  
“There, that should give us some extra time.”

“Good job. Where to now, Tali?”

Tali took the lead in guiding them through the dreadnought, but it was not an easy trip.   
As they moved down the maintenance shaft, Tali got a message from the fleet that the Quarian fleet was struggling, alerting them of a cannon that had taken down Admiral Koris’s ship. The crew managed to get to the ship’s escape pods, but their fleet was falling apart.  
They couldn’t take much more fighting so Shepard had to be quick.

The trip to the main battery was a quick one, but as soon as they reached the massive area, more Geth came to stop them or halt their movements. Not only did that slow them down even further, but the fact that they were inside the main battery, they were at risk to be bit by the massive electrical pulses that went through the large open hallway. They had to time it very precise unless they wanted to be caught in the middle of it.  
Thankfully, the Geth were not immune to the electrical pulses and many of them were caught by the pulses as they moved, which made it easier for them to move towards their goal.  
As they moved, they managed to buy themselves some precious seconds by using a console to temporary put a lock on the main gun, shutting it down, but the Geth quickly put a standstill on the plan. They were barely able to get away from the pulse as the gun started up again, only to be greeted by yet another group of Geth.

“Tali, how much further,” Kaidan yelled as he popped the clip from his gun, then quickly reloading it so he could keep on fighting.

“Not far, we need to get to the end of the hallway and up!”

Once again the pulses worked in their favor, removing several of the Geth that tried to stop them by overloading their platform, making it easier for them to move forward.  
When they finally managed to get out of the main battery, the neck challenge was to get up. They managed to hack a small platform, but the Geth were not done with them. One rocket from them was all it took for the elevator to collapse and Kaidan could feel his heart dropping as he and Tali moved to safety, only to see that Shepard was waiting, covering their backs into they were safe.  
As Kaidan reached out his hand towards his lover, Shepard moved, quickly jumping and grabbing onto the platform just before the elevator collapsed and fell down. Grabbing a hold of Shepard’s arm and on his armor, Kaidan and Tali managed to tug Shepard up onto safety, taking a few seconds to breathe.

“Jesus, Shepard, don’t do that,” Kaidan whispered, making Shepard release a breathless chuckle.

“Sorry, Kaidan.”

“Just… Don’t do that again.”

Shepard nodded and reached out to pat Kaidan’s shoulder reassuringly before looking towards Tali. “How much further?”

“Not much. We just need to get up,” Tali replied, pointing up to the platform above them.

“Let’s not waste any more time,” Shepard replied as he got back up onto his feet.

True to Tali’s words, they only had to get up one more level before they found another door, which Tali promptly hacked.

“Get ready, we don’t know what’s waiting for us in there,” Shepard warned as the door slid open, all three of them aiming their guns towards it.

However, what met them on the inside was not what Kaidan had expected what so ever.

The room was empty save from the massive drive-core, powering up the dreadnought. In front of it was what seemed to be a metallic capsule, connected and powered by the drive-core.  
“That’s definitely Reaper tech,” Shepard commented as he hurried towards it, putting his gun down so he could work on the console by the metallic capsule. “But what’s…”

The capsule released a hum before it started moving, the parts shifting and opening, revealing what was on the inside.

Kaidan could feel a shiver go through him as he saw what seemed to be a Geth on the inside, strapped and connected to several tubes and wires.  
As the contraption opened, the Geth lifted its head and looked straight at Shepard.

“Shepard-Commander. Help us.”

“Legion.”


	50. Downtime

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan comes to terms with Shepard's pet Geth.  
> Sort off.

“That was a Geth.”

“Yes, Kaidan, that was a Geth,” Shepard replied, running his hand over his face as they stepped out of the shuttle, having finally reached the safety of the Normandy again.  
It had been somewhat of a tense trip, with Legion standing almost unmoving in a corner of the shuttle, just observing the trio.  
They hadn’t been able to board the Normandy directly, having been forced to flee as the Quarian Fleet suddenly unleashed all their firepower on the Dreadnought, but Cortez had come for them, picking them up a small distance away from the fighting.

Kaidan had tried to accept everything that had happened in last five minutes, he really had, but a Geth?  
A Geth that was seemingly on friendly terms with not only Shepard, but Tali as well. So when the shuttle had landed, he had taken Shepard aside, probably earning himself a couple of odd looks, and asked him about it.

He had at least tried to ask about it.

“No, Shepard. That was a Geth. A Geth that knew you. A Geth that seemed to have a will of its own. And it knew you.”

Well… He didn’t claim to be very successful at his attempt and the look on Shepard’s face as he tried to explain it to Kaidan was a mix of tired concern and old annoyance.  
Kaidan couldn’t blame him, not really, but how could he not ask about the apparently sentient AI that was walking around among them?  
Or rather, how could Shepard not tell him about it?

“We found him during the issue with the Collectors, he’s – “

Shepard turned quiet as Kaidan held up his hands, fixing his lover a look.  
“You found a Geth,” Kaidan deadpanned. “And when were you going to tell me that you had found a Geth? Before or after I shot it?”

“Kaidan, come on- “

“How much more have you been hiding from that time, huh? Should I expect a pet-Reaper too?”

“Kaidan, now you are being unreasonable,” Shepard said, his voice firm and low as he dragged Kaidan to an even more private corner of the shuttle bay area.   
“I didn’t hide this from you, but there was a lot of shit going on then and a lot of shit is going on now, you can’t expect me to have everything lined up in my head. God knows I am trying to do that, but Jesus Christ…”

Kaidan lowered his hands before sighing, moving them to his helmet instead. His fingers located and undid the clasps underneath before he pulled his helmet off, giving Shepard a tired and apologetic look. “… I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to accuse you like that,” he mumbled.  
“I just… I didn’t expect that and we haven’t exactly had a good experience with the Geth in the past.”

“Hey,” Shepard said quickly, reaching out to gently cup Kaidan’s cheek.  
“It’s okay. I get you, I really do. And I should have told you about Legion, I just didn’t expect him to be there. He vanished after we destroyed the collector base and I honestly thought he was gone for good. But he’s a good guy. … Good Geth. Whatever you want to call it. He did a lot for us when I was with Cerberus and he did a lot for Tali, though… Well. If you want to know, you have to ask her about it. But I’m happy to tell you more about it all later, if you want to hear it.”

“I do,” Kaidan confirmed before he let out a small chuckle, giving Shepard a weak smile. “… You seriously get your hands on the weirdest shit, Shepard.”

Shepard chuckled as well before leaning in to give Kaidan a brief, but still sweet kiss. “I dunno. Sometimes I get my hands on some good shit too.”

“Did you just call me shit,” Kaidan teased, his lips tugged into a small half-smile which made Shepard laugh.

“If I did, you are still my shit. … So to speak.”

“You are many things, Shepard, but a romantic, you are not. At least not in the traditional sense,” Kaidan murmured, smiling some as he leaned forward, letting his forehead rest against Shepard’s.   
“And I wouldn’t want you any other way.”

“Well, you’re romantic enough for both of us,” Shepard teased lightly, his voice soft and warm.

“Mmm. Someone has to be,” Kaidan replied, his lips still curled up into that half-smile.  
“I’m still sorry though. I really didn’t mean to just… Snap like that. I think getting shot at by our allies rattled my brain somewhat.”

“I get you,” Shepard murmured, moving his head enough to give Kaidan’s head a small bump.  
“I’m pretty pissed about that as well and I am planning on letting them hear it. They are not picking their battles right and unless we stop them, they will destroy themselves before the Reapers will even get a chance to. Which does remind me…”  
Shepard pulled a slight face as he pulled away from his lover. “I have to make a call to Hackett before speaking to them. He needs to be updated.”

“Go,” Kaidan said, stealing himself a quick kiss before walking out from the “hiding spot” along with his Shepard.  
“I’m going to grab a shower and then a nap. Maybe. Might look up Tali, see how she’s feeling about all of this. And maybe check out that… What did you call it? Legion?”

“Legion,” Shepard confirmed, giving Kaidan a small smile.

“Legion,” Kaidan echoed before nodding. “Right, I’ll just… I’ll head to the showers. Come get me later, yeah? And good luck with Hackett and the Admirals, I think you’ll need it.”

“I think so too,” Shepard groaned, rubbing his hand over his forehead before quickly heading towards the showers to give himself a quick scrub.  
Kaidan lingered behind, cleaning and putting away his weapons before popping a pill into his mouth, swallowing it down along with some water. His head had started hurting after the explosion, the earplugs could only protect him against so much noise and while he wasn’t suffering from a full-blown migraine, his head still had a half-annoying, half-painful throb going on. Nothing a good shower, some food and perhaps a nap couldn’t take care of.

As soon as Kaidan was done in the bay area, having stripped out of his armor and only wore the under-suit, he retreated to the showers.  
Nobody was there, which he was grateful for: that meant he could have some more time to himself to digest what they had just gone through and the likely scenario that would happen in the future.  
It wasn’t like the actually shower Shepard had in the cabin, but a steam-shower would do the trick just fine for now. Maybe he was a little spoiled, having gotten himself more or less free access to Shepard’s shower thanks to their newfound relationship, but Kaidan wasn’t about to decline either.  
Besides, they usually shared a shower anyway so they didn’t use more water.   
At least in theory.

After quickly scrubbing him body and rinsing out his hair, Kaidan quickly got himself dried off and dressed. He was starting to get shadows on his chin and jaw already, but a shave wasn’t high on the list. It could wait until morning.

He wasn’t very surprised that the Normandy crew was busy getting the ship ready, already figuring that the next goal on the list was Rannoch, especially if what Legion had said about the Reapers and the Geth were true.  
The Quarians were pretty stubborn in their wish to reclaim Rannoch and while Kaidan still thought that it was a poorly timed battle plan, they could do very little except go along with it.

“You look like you are deep in thought.”

Stopping right by the elevator that would take him up to the quarters, Kaidan turned and smiled as he saw Tali coming towards him. “Hey there.”

“Hello, Kaidan,” Tali replied before moving in to give him a warm hug.  
“It is so good to see you. How have you been?”

“I… I’ve been mixed,” Kaidan chuckled, giving Tali an awkward smile as he rubbed the back of his neck.  
“It’s been an interesting last couple of years. For many reasons.”

“I bet. Are you going somewhere? It has been so long since I’ve seen you and I’d love to catch up with you. I am so sorry that we stopped sending each other messages, but I got so busy with the Fleet and… Well. So many things happened at once.”

“Yeah, I hear you, Tali. I was just going to grab a bite. Come join me, we can talk a little over food?”

“Sounds like an excellent idea.”

“Great. I’m sure Garrus won’t mind sharing his food with you,” Kaidan smiled as they walked over to the cantina together.

“If he does, then he can take it up with me,” Tali replied and Kaidan could hear the amused tone in her voice.

“He wouldn’t dare.”

“He knows his place,” Tali chuckled while Kaidan laughed.

“Have a seat, Tali, I’ll see what’s on the menu.”

The menu was, unsurprisingly, not very exciting, but Kaidan still managed to provide Tali with a dextro-based protein-shake while he himself made a couple of sandwiches.

“Sometimes I’m envious about the fact that you can eat a sandwich,” Tali replied while opening the tiny slot in her helmet so she could stick the straw inside to drink.  
“It looks so much better than this.”

“Only sometimes, huh?” Kaidan asked before biting into his sandwich, chewing slowly.

“Yes. You also eat a lot of weird food. And a protein-shake has to go down better than those protein-bars you sometimes eat.”

“… That is probably true. Those damn things are like a stone in your belly. So all in all, I think you win.”

That made Tali laugh, which in turn made Kaidan smile all the more.

It was good to see her again and now that he actually had the chance to look and talk to her without a mission (outside the obvious one) hanging over their heads, it was all the better.  
While Kaidan already knew a lot of what had happened during Shepard’s time with Cerberus, he was only too happy to listen to Tali’s own tales, praising her that she had come as far as she had compared to when they first met.  
“From a young Quarian on her pilgrimage to an Admiral in just under four years. Not bad at all,” he had teased and while he couldn’t see it, the way Tali covered her facemask with her hands, he was willing to bet that she was blushing. It was somewhat relieving to see just how little his friends had changed, despite everything that had been going on.

They spoke about everything for a while, from what they had been up to and to the current situation, where Kaidan accidentally showed a bit more distaste for it than he intended to.

Tali, thankfully, understood him and why he felt the way he did. She saw the error in her people’s way, but Kaidan also understood the position she was in. The galaxy was at war and as an Admiral, she had to show agreement to the council when it came to be public, even if she privately argued against the damn thing.

They could not afford for the Quarians to be divided as that would spell disaster for their entire race, and possibly for the galaxy.

Kaidan also understood the guilt she was feeling. While he didn’t know all the details except the very few things Shepard had shared in the past, he knew enough to understand how it would make her feel.  
If Legion had been as big a part of Tali’s life as he implied, then the fact that she was willing socialize with one Geth while killing others was probably confusing her a great deal.  
He did ask about it though and Tali had told him everything, wanting Kaidan to understand for both their sake. She told him about her father’s work, about how they had found Legion, about what Shepard had done for the Geth and just how –innocent- they were when it came to the greater picture. That knowledge left Kaidan with a newfound understanding and sympathy for the Quarians and the Geth, but it also made him disapprove even more of what was going on.

For now though, they had no choice but to agree and to help out because they were in dire need of the Quarians help.

“You turned quiet, Kaidan,” Tali said softly, tilting her head as she looked at Kaidan.

“Sorry,” Kaidan murmured, offering Tali a small smile. “Just thinking about everything.”

“Yeah… Me too,” Tali sighed, running her fingers over the glass of her mask. “This is just so… Counter-productive. I know that the Quarians wants their home-world back and that we have the number for it now, but what is the point of retaking our home-world if we risk losing it to the Reapers?”

“Maybe to have a home to die on?” Kaidan suggested somewhat darkly, but it earned a chuckle from Tali.

“Maybe. It wouldn’t surprise me, actually. That chain of thoughts. “If we are to die, we are to die on our soil”,” she said in a dark voice, imitating one of the Admirals on the Quarian board of councils. “Bosh’tet.”

“Language, Tali,” Kaidan chuckled, reaching out to gently squeezed her shoulder.  
“The timing was bad, but we will do what we can to resolve this as quickly and painlessly as we can.”

“I know. Shepard is good at that and with you on the team, I know we can get it done,” Tali said, the smile that was on her lips auditable in her tone.  
“I am glad to see you, Kaidan. I really am. I know I said that when we spoke earlier, but… I did miss you a lot. I was sad when you didn’t join us back then, but I was glad too, in a way. Cerberus were obviously up to no good and I only joined because of Shepard. To try and make him stay out of trouble. I didn’t succeed, of course,” she added with a soft chuckle.

“That’s not true,” Kaidan murmured. “He’s still alive and I think that was because he had people he could count on.”

“Maybe,” Tali said softly. “But I think there was more to it.”   
She let out another soft chuckle before lowering her voice, as if afraid that Shepard would pop out of nowhere. “I shouldn’t tell you this,” she whispered. “But when I visited Shepard’s cabin to talk to him, back when we were still with Cerberus… He had your picture on his desk. Next to his medallion from Azure.”

“He did,” Kaidan asked, surprised. He didn’t know Shepard had kept a picture of him.

Tali nodded. “He missed you a lot, but he never said it. Not because he was ashamed or anything, he just… He couldn’t, I think. I think he felt he somewhat deserved it. It was hard to watch because I didn’t know what I could say to make it better.”

“Huh… I… I didn’t know that, Kaidan said quietly, biting his bottom lip ever so slightly.

Tali leaned a little forward, keeping her voice low still. “I know that you two never said anything, but it was obvious. You were professional, yes, but there was always a tenderness to Shepard’s eyes when he spoke to you. It was obvious that he cared and that he knew he could rely on you.”

Kaidan felt himself blush. They weren’t exactly a secret anymore; the fact that he often headed dup to Shepard’s cabin and didn’t come out until the next day was kind of a dead giveaway, but they hadn’t really said anything either. “I, ah…” he started, clearing his throat some.

Tali giggled a little and smiled. “It is so cute, how your skin turns red when you are embarrassed.”

“… You’re evil, Tali.”

“Oh, you love me, Kaidan. I know you do.”

“You’re like the little sister I never had, Tali. With all the perks and disadvantages that comes with it.”

“Now you’re just mean.”

They continued chatting for a few more minutes before one of the soldiers guarding the war-room came for them, requesting for Tali to come with her.  
As she stood, however, she looked at Kaidan before speaking. “You should speak to Legion, Kaidan,” she said softly.  
“I know you were like me, that you disliked the Geth, but after speaking to Legion… My perspective changed. I think you would appreciate them, for what they are.”  
Then she left, leaving Kaidan feeling somewhat flabbergasted at the somewhat unexpected statement. However, he also knew that she was right.  
He should seek out the Geth that called itself, or rather themselves, Legion. It would give him another chance to see them from a new point of view.  
It wouldn’t be the first time, not after discovering that the Geth had been used by the Reapers, but it he had to admit that he had never quite gotten over his dislike for the things.

Perhaps this was the chance he needed to grow out of that dislike.

Knowing that Shepard was likely to be busy for quite some time longer and that Legion probably would be with him, Kaidan decided to call it an evening and prepare himself for the new battle that was likely to come. He could seek out the Geth later, after he had rested a little.  
The Normandy was still buzzing with life so he retreated back to Shepard’s cabin to wait for his lover there. That and he could take advantage of the nice and quiet area to get rid of the last throbbing remains of his head-ache without having to trouble someone with it.

Allowing himself to fall back onto Shepard’s bed, still dressed in his fatigues, Kaidan inhaled deeply as he allowed the muscles in his body to “unclench” from the stress. The breathing exercises he had been shown and practiced at the Citadel while hospitalized really came in handy, especially now when everything seemed to make him somewhat tense.  
Breathing in deeply, Kaidan shifted so that one arm was resting over his eyes and the other over his belly, just focusing on breathing and listening to his own breath as he inhaled, then exhaled, mentally counting to himself while trying to envision the numbers as he counted them.

He felt bad, having the opportunity to do this while his lover was working himself into an early grave, but he knew that he could do very little to stop him, or help him.  
Shepard was the Commander of the Normandy and while Kaidan was happy to be of help and support, Shepard had to handle the meetings unless he requested help.  
Kaidan wished he could go downstairs and fetch Shepard, help give him five minutes to unwind, but he knew he stood a better chance at stopping the moon from circling the earth over stopping Shepard when he was on a roll.

The only thing he could do was be there and help his lover relaxed when he was done with his meetings.  
He just hoped it would be enough.


	51. Legion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan speaks with Legion.  
> And cuddles with Shepard.

Kaidan wasn’t horribly surprised to wake up and find that Shepard hadn’t returned to the cabin, willing to bet that he was still in the war-room, either planning or arguing with the Quarian admirals. A quick peak at the time revealed that Kaidan had only been asleep for a couple of hours, which made him feel guilty enough, but he had apparently needed it. He didn’t usually fall asleep during his breathing exercises.  
Turning over to his stomach, Kaidan stretched out some before checking his compad for messages; nothing. No updates or notifications, which meant that the original plan was still standing.  
They were still heading towards Rannoch.

Sighing, Kaidan pushed himself up from the bed before wandering over to borrow Shepard’s bathroom to do his business. He wouldn’t shower again, that was just a waist, but a quick piss and some cold water splashed in his face, and he was more or less ready for battle.  
At least somewhat.

They were still a couple of hours away from their destination and as he waited, he decided to do something he should have done a long time ago.

Kaidan had to admit, he felt his pulse increase as he entered the elevator and ran it down to the engineering level, trying his best to ignore the voice that said that this was probably a bad idea.  
The Geth… He had never had a good experience with a Geth. And now he was willingly seeking out a supposed friendly one, one that was not under Reaper influence. Supposedly.  
If that was Shepard’s handiwork, which it seemed to be, then Kaidan was impressed by that alone, but he wanted to find out more…

He supposed it was logical for the Geth, for Legion, to move down into the engineering room, but he still felt a little bit awkward when he approached the machine, studying it before actually approaching it.

It looked like every other Geth he had seen, save from the giant hole in its chest and the very familiar armor that seemed to be wielded halfway across its chest and shoulder. Tali hadn’t been joking when she had told him that Legion apparently held Shepard in high regards.

“… Excuse me, Legion?”

The Geth lifted its head and, in a motion Kaidan could only describe as curiosity, tilted its head to the side while raising one of the flaps over its head-light. It was… bizarre.  
“Alenko-Major. Welcome. We have heard much of you.”

“You… Have?”  
Now that was a surprise and Kaidan honestly wasn’t sure how to take it. 

“Affirmative. Your files showed up many times in Cerberus records. You are a biotic, L2, Major with the System Alliance and friend of Shepard-Commander.”

“I… What?”

“Shepard-Commander allowed me full access to the Normandy and the Cerberus network in return for knowledge and my assistance with the Old Machines as well as the Heretics. He did not have to, we were willing to co-operate, but he wanted to help us. We wanted to help him.”

“But why did you want to help him?” Kaidan frowned some, ignoring the fact that Legion knew about him … For now.   
“I thought all Geths were joined in a shared consensus?”

“Correct,” Legion said, the head-flaps tilting slightly, giving the Geth a look that once again closely reminded Kaidan of curiosity.  
“The Geth are apathetic towards organics. We do not wish to fight. But the Heretics became corrupted, following the Old Machines and started creating a virus that was attempted spread to us all. Shepard-Commander stopped it and instead rewrote it. The Heretics joined the consensus again, but the Old Machines have found a way to corrupt again.”

“Then how come you are still… Well. You?”

“They did not upgrade us.”

“Why not?”

“They had another use for us.”

Kaidan frowned some before he understood. “… You weren’t upgraded by the virus because they used you to send the signal. But why you?”

“Because we opposed them.”

“Punishment,” Kaidan murmured softly before looking at the Geth again.   
“… And you helped Shepard. Because you wanted to?”

“Shepard-Commander opposed the Old Machines and we wanted to help. When he helped us with the heretics, we had a duty to assist him.”

“And when we are done?” Kaidan asked, still keeping a small distance between himself and Legion.

“Then we will offer our services to the Creators. Creator Tali’Zora understands us. We will speak to her. We always wanted to serve.”

Kaidan frowned some before moving a little closer, still keeping a small distance between himself and the Geth, but wanting to understand. “We have always believed that you only wanted to cause destruction,” he admitted carefully.   
“Can you tell me about what happened between your kind and the Quarians?”

“Affirmative,” Legion said before he started telling their story to Kaidan.   
And Kaidan had to admit, if what Legion was saying was true… It did not paint the Quarians in a pretty picture.  
In fact, it pretty much changed everything they knew about the big conflict between the Quarians and the Geth, as information had been sparse. Very little had been known except that they had, for one reason or the other, started fighting one another.  
The Quarians themselves had not provided much information and most of it had, very possibly, been lost in time. They had said the Geth had rebelled, but according to Legion, the story was very different. And if there was one thing that Kaidan knew that any race with free will was capable of, it was lying, and the Quarians certainly had good reason to hide the truth behind the Geth.

If it became known that the Quarians had created an intelligent AI instead of a VI, then tried destroying it because they basically panicked and thus starting the war, then the galaxy would not view them in a positive light.  
The Quarians already had a bad and very underserved reputation going for them, but this… This could ruin them.

Of course, that was if Legion wasn’t lying or, by chance, informed with any misinformation.  
He would have to ask Shepard for more details about it.

Legion didn’t seem like it had any reason to lie, however, and after it finished speaking, it remained silent, merely watching Kaidan as the biotic digested this new information.

After thanking Legion for his time, and apologizing for pointing a gun at him by reflex when Legion was first revealed, Kaidan headed back up to Shepard’s cabin, hoping to find him there.  
As luck would have it, Shepard was and, for the first time in what seemed to be decades, Shepard seemed to be dozing. Kaidan couldn’t blame him, he was sure the man was more than a little exhausted so as he entered the cabin, he made sure to be as quiet as he could, even if Shepard’s choice of bed was debatable.

Slumped over his desk, face pressed into the nook of his elbow and with his screen dimmed down from inactivity, it was at times like these that Shepard truly showed how exhausted he really was, even if it was unintentional. The fact that he was a work-aholic was not exactly a well-kept secret, but Kaidan doubted that anyone knew just how bad it was.  
In fact, Shepard’s sleeping habits hadn’t become any better and while Kaidan was at least able to keep his lover in bed for a while, he knew first-hand that Shepard didn’t sleep well even in the few instances he did get to sleep.

He felt bad doing it, but knowing the battle they had ahead of themselves, Kaidan quietly stepped over to Shepard and gave him a small shake. “Hey…”

Shepard let out a sudden breath of air, his entire body giving a surprised jolt before the man relaxed again. “Mm… What time is it?”

“Time for you to find the bed,” Kaidan murmured as he coaxed Shepard to stand up. Almost to his surprise, Shepard complied, slowly getting up while stifling a yawn.

“Mm… Just rested my eyes for a sec, Kaidan… ‘m fine.”

“Of course you are, Shepard. Still, take five on the bed, yeah? That way, your back won’t hate you later.”

“My back already hates me,” Shepard grunted some, letting Kaidan guide him to the bed, even sitting down on it without much fuzz.

“Even more reason to lay down,” Kaidan murmured, giving Shepard a small push in an attempt to actually make him lay down.  
Shepard let out a small, tired chuckle, moving his hand to his face so it was covered.

“… ‘m tired, Kaidan.”

“Then rest,” Kaidan murmured, placing one knee on the bed as he leaned over Shepard to give his hand a kiss.   
“It’ll be our little secret if you do.”

“Don’t be mad at me,” Shepard murmured, removing his hand slowly from his face so that their noses bumped together, their breaths mingling.

“I never was, Shepard. I was just being an ass and I am still sorry about that.”

“Stay?”

“Always,” Kaidan whispered, smiling some as he reached down to cup Shepard’s cheek.  
“For as long as you need.”

“That’ll be a long time,” Shepard replied softly, chuckling as he tried to drag Kaidan down onto the bed with him.  
Kaidan easily complied, shifting so he was laying on his side, draping his arm around Shepard and tugging him close. Shepard turned as well, copying Kaidan’s movements until both his arms was tightly wound around the major.

They didn’t say anything after that. No words were needed.

The Normandy would take them closer and closer towards their newest target and until then, the two of them could remain right where they were.

Together.


	52. Consensus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kaidan has to learn to trust the Geth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PS: I am so sorry for the delay on this chapter! I kind of lost my way a bit and decided I needed to step away from it for a little while to regain my footing!

The mood was somber as the Normandy was closing in on Rannoch and Kaidan felt that personally, he was bittersweet about the entire thing.

After a small nap, Kaidan had told Shepard about his talk with Legion, and Shepard had confirmed it as well as he could. He told Kaidan about what he had seen as well as things he and Tali had discovered during the war with the Collectors, things Tali had already told him about earlier.   
Piecing together everything, even when told by three different point of views, was surprisingly easy after that because the pieces more or less fit together with relative ease. They matched even if it was three different perspectives that spoke.  
Shepard also told Kaidan about his conversations with the Quarians and with Legion, about the current situation and what their next target would be.

While Kaidan understood, it did grate on his nerves ever so slightly. The knowledge, the fact that knowing that what they were heading towards something that could have easily been prevented if the Quarians had taken the time to listen to one another instead of picking the worse time in the history of bad timing to start egging on the Geth, which in turn had picked up the interest of the Reapers again. Now the Geth were back under Reaper control, the Quarians were stuck in their home-system and Shepard had to clean up the mess.

The only bright-spot, if it could even be called that, was that the Quarians had managed to pick up a signal from Zaal’Koris and his crew. They had raced down to find them, but in return, they had only managed to save Zaal’Koris.  
Kaidan could see the decision weighing heavily on Shepard, the pain in his eyes as he decided, it but it had to be done. In the end, they only managed to save Zaal’Koris and Kaidan could only hope that the crew had died quickly and without pain.

Inhaling deeply, Kaidan tried to push that knowledge out of his mind as he finished with his preparations for their next assignment. He stripped out of his fatigues, taking a moment to stretch his body out before sliding on the form-fitting under-suit, then the protective armor. It was getting more roughed up now, the blue coat now scratched and black in certain places, and no amount of polishing could get the almost blackened traces of blood that was staining certain spots.   
Kaidan hadn’t heard anything about the armor he had supposed to get custom made right before the Citadel was under siege, and he wouldn’t be surprised if the order was gone.

He made a mental note to ask about it when they were done with their current objective.

He also made a mental note to reflect about the fact that he was even bothering to think about a new set of armor when heading towards a dangerous mission; he was getting far too used to this and it disturbed him somewhat.  
It was a little bit funny, thinking about a stupid piece of armor in the middle of a war, but it was something… simple. Something so blatantly unimportant that he could focus on and be slightly annoyed by in the middle of the big mess they were currently in. Almost like a reassurance that yes, he was still there, still fighting and still able to get annoyed by a possible lost custom-order of armor.

After finishing up his preparations, Kaidan joined Shepard and Legion in the shuttle-bay area were they were finishing up their own checks and preparations.  
Shepard had called for him rather surprisingly right after the mission with recovering Admiral Zaal’Koris had been wrapped up. Legion apparently had some ideas that could help them battling with the rest of the Geth fleet and Kaidan would be lying if he said he wasn’t curious.  
That and he wasn’t sure if he completely trusted Legion yet, even after his talk with it. Getting a chance to work him personally would help, he figured, for more than one reason.  
Shepard trusted the geth and Kaidan trusted Shepard, but just in case this was a very clever ruse from the AI, then Kaidan could be there to help his lover. And if everything was true, then Kaidan would learn more about the Geth and about himself in the process.

“So… What exactly is this plan,” he asked as he strapped himself in, watching as Legion placed itself in a corner of the shuttle while Tali buckled next to Kaidan.  
“What are we doing instead of helping the Quarians with their liveships and what’s this server?”

“While I know Legion is willing to help, this is risky for my people,” Tali added, her voice slightly shaky from nerves.  
“Many could get killed.”

Shepard had just gotten off the com with Admiral Raan and the situation was not looking good for the Quarians. The Geth had gone for the liveships and unless something drastic happened, many innocent people would lose their lives.  
“Sorry for not updating you properly, Major, Admiral, this happened a bit fast,” Shepard said. “I’ll let Legion explain, they’re a bit more up to speed.” He looked towards Legion and gave the Geth a small nod. “What’s our status?”

“We remain undetected on encrypted Geth channels. Resistance is likely only within the server,” Legion answered, turning its head towards Shepard as it spoke.  
Kaidan had to admit that watching it speak and communicate in the way it did was… weird. He was still used to watching the Geth as high-functioning VI’s, communicating with clicks and buzzes rather than words.  
He let Shepard and Legion speak, mentally noting down exactly what they would face before raising an eyebrow as Legion revealed its plan.

Shepard, by the sound of it, shared his confusion. “You want me to virtually interact with the Geth?”

“That kind of tech isn’t even on the market,” Kaidan protested as he stood up, taking a step towards his lover as he looked at Legion. “This can’t be safe.”

Shepard gave a small nod towards Kaidan, but his eyes was still on Legion. “I’m not a machine. How do I go into a virtual world?”

“Your species has experimented with virtual interfaces. You saw this on Project Overlord.”

“I saw how it almost unleashed a rogue AI-hybrid human on the galaxy,” Shepard replied, straightening up some as he obviously tensed. Legion had clearly hit a nerve and since Kaidan now knew the story behind that mess, he could hardly blame Shepard.  
Kaidan wasn’t sure if he would have been so calm if it had been him in Shepard’s shoes.

“We have refined the interface the created and have equipment from Normandy to facilitate safe contact. We request your trust,” Legion replied, it’s voice calm, unchanging. Unreadable.

Shepard sighed some and shook his head before looking back at the AI. “I have your back, Legion,” he murmured as he calmed down. “, -even if I don’t quite understand why you need it.”

“Shepard, are you sure,” Kaidan asked in a low voice, looking up at his lover. “This sounds highly dangerous.”

Shepard nodded and gave Kaidan a small smile. “I’m sure. Legion hasn’t been wrong yet.”

Kaidan sighed some and nodded. “Okay… I trust you, Shepard,” he murmured, offering a small smile of his own. He then looked to Legion. “But why Shepard?”

“We give him our trust,” Legion replied, it’s head still facing Shepard. “You are an unknown. This is an advantage. Geth security is not adept at targeting organic thought processes.”

“Makes sense,” Shepard nodded while Legion continued.

“While we occupy the system’s intrusion countermeasures, you will disable the squadrons by removing geth from the server.”

“If it saves the liveships, we’ve got to try it,” Shepard agreed.

“Telemetry data predicts this operation has a high chance of success,” Legion replied while walking over to one of the shuttle’s door, pressing the button to open the door.   
“There is little time. We will bypass security while you secure safe landing.”

Shepard blinked his eyes before realizing what Legion was doing. “Wait, you’re not going to- “  
Before he could finish, Legion had already let itself fall out of the shuttle, leaving a stunned-looking trio behind on the shuttle.

“After you,” Kaidan offered after a few seconds of silence, which made both Shepard and Tali let out a somewhat awkward snicker.

“Lets... set the shuttle down by the cliff,” Shepard said instead, closing the door to the shuttle so they wouldn’t get any surprised inside.

“Might be somewhat healthier for us,” Kaidan agreed as Steve started taking them towards the cliff-sides.

No more than thirty seconds passed before Steve had them safely on a platform on the cliff-side, the platform leading wards a large underground cave.  
Shepard let out a small whistle as he looked around with Tali slowly turning all the way around as she walked, not wanting to miss a single part of the clearly man-made cave. “Nicely hidden,” he remarked. “We would have never have seen it with just that tiny platform up.”

“It’s quiet,” Tali said silently as she faced the cave again, slowly pulling the gun up from her side-holster. “Do you think they know we are here?”

“I dunno,” Shepard murmured while walking over to a closed door further inside the cave. “But let’s prepare as if there’s an entire squadron waiting for us in there, shall we?”

“Don’t have to tell me twice,” Kaidan replied, preparing his shotgun while Shepard carefully snuck up to the door. While locked, it wasn’t hard for Shepard to crack the code and the second the door slid open, Shepard pressed himself to the wall while Kaidan and Tali ducked down into cover behind a waist-high wall, expecting gunfire.

Except nothing happened.

Tali looked over the wall in a very slow, careful matter, somewhat remaining Kaidan of a frightened rabbit. Not that he looked any better, carefully peering around the same wall’s corner in the same slow, careful way.

Shepard frowned, peering into the darkened hallway of the now open door. “… Either this is a very clever ambush or the poorest security I’ve encountered in a while.”

“I guess it’s only one way to find out,” Kaidan said as he slowly moved out of cover to join Shepard by the door, slowly followed by Tali.  
Together they walked into the dark hallway, only illuminated by the dim light from the many computers and from the light coming from the now open door.

It didn’t take them long to find the inhabitants, but not quite in the way they had expected.  
As they opened the door to what Kaidan assumed was the inner server-chamber, the first thing they found was a Geth, laying down on the floor, unmoving.  
Kaidan wanted to say it was unconscious, but he had no idea if that was accurate, considering they were dealing with a robot. An intelligent AI, yes, but a robot none the less.

They didn’t linger by the Geth and instead continued further into the camber until the familiar appearance of Legion appeared in what Kaidan assumed was the main sever-room. It was standing by a computer, next to what seemed to be some sort of cryo-chamber of some sort, but when Kaidan looked into it, all he could see was a Geth.  
A very large, red Geth that was, thankfully, not activated.  
At least he hoped it wasn’t.

“This is it?” Shepard asked as he continued down towards Legion, Kaidan and Tali quickly following him.

“Yes,” Legion answered as it turned to face Shepard. “Hostile Geth fighter squadrons are networked to this server.”  
It then turned back to the computer and continued typing on the glowing keyboard. “Due to restricted resources, it is best if you connect alone.”

“Whoa, whoa,” Kaidan said, frowning as he took a step forward. “Alone? You can’t go in there alone.”

“Alenko-Major,” Legion replied, looking towards Kaidan. “It is for the best. If we overwork the resources we have available, the mission might not be a success. The probabilities lowers greatly if many are to enter the consensus.”

“I’ll be fine,” Shepard said in a low voice, giving Kaidan a small smile. “Have a little faith.”

Kaidan just gave Shepard a look before nodding. “Okay. But if you are not fine, I will be severely cross with you,” he murmured.

Shepard just nodded and smiled before turning to look at the pod. It was large, large enough to hold one of the large Geth juggernauts and while the protective doors were closed, he could see the insides through the glass.  
“Alright,” he murmured before placing his hand of the sidewalls, readying himself to enter the pod. “Let’s do this.”

Legion nodded its head before turning its attention back to the computer.  
“Initiating peer-network integration. Proceed to docking port.”  
The door slid upwards with ease, granting Shepard access to the inside off it.

“Be careful,” Kaidan whispered, tightening his grip on the gun as he watched Shepard climb into the pod.  
The door slid shut again and Kaidan was able to see his lover in there, standing still and facing him. Silently trying to reassure him.

“Mapping to consensus,” Legion said as it continued to work by the computer. “Remain still.”  
Despite Legion’s request, Kaidan could see that Shepard was moving about and he could hardly blame him. If it had been him in there, he would probably move around as well, wanting to know what was about to happen.  
“Shepard-Commander,” Legion said, looking towards the pod. “, -excess movement during an upload is discouraged.”

Shepard stilled his movements, but there was a look of concentration on his face as Legion finished his scan. As the final beams crossed over his face, Shepard closed his eyes, slumping a little back into the pod.  
“Do not worry,” Legion said before Kaidan could protest. “Shepard-Commander is in a sleeplike state. He is with us in our consensus.”

“Amazing,” Tali breathed as she looked at Shepard.

“Just make sure he comes back in one piece,” Kaidan replied, frowning some as he watched Shepard through the pod, placing a hand on the glass.

“We give you our word, Alenko-Major,” Legion answered as it turned back to the computer.

Kaidan looked towards Legion before nodding.  
He didn’t know if Legion understood his relationship between him and Shepard, or even if it mattered, but it seemed like it at least had a basic understanding of companionship.

Turning to look at Shepard, Kaidan inhaled deeply and prepared himself for the wait.  
He just hoped it wouldn’t be too long.


	53. Rannoch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Tali gets to see her home for the first time.

The wait hadn’t been the worst part about everything, despite the fact that time felt like it was passing oh, so very slowly.  
No, the worse part had been the feeling of being helpless. Even though they were right there, both Kaidan and Tali could do very little to help Shepard while he was wandering around in the Geth consensus with only Legion as his companion.  
Legion had seemingly powered down just a few seconds after its last words to Kaidan, joining with Shepard inside the Geth consensus. It was weird to think about so Kaidan tried not to think about it too hard considering that what they were doing… It wasn’t supposed to be possible yet.  
Tali didn’t seem to worry about that fact, but Kaidan was still unfamiliar with the Geth, unable to place it. He wanted to trust it, but it was hard.

He wasn’t sure how long they sat there in silence, both of them wanting to break the silence, but too unsettled to do so.  
At some point Admiral Raan contacted them and Tali, thankfully, handled the call. Kaidan wasn’t sure if he could have been as diplomatic as she was as the uncertainty of the situation was leaving him stressed.

“Whatever Shepard and Legion is doing in there, it seems to be working,” Tali informed Kaidan, who did feel better when hearing that.  
“The Geth squadrons are acting strange, a few are falling behind and stopping up.”

“Keep going, Shepard,” Kaidan murmured as he stood up to look at his lover. “You can do it.”

“Of course he can,” Tali said reassuringly, placing her hand on Kaidan’s shoulder. “This is Shepard we’re talking about.”

Kaidan let out a small chuckle, smiling some at Tali. “Yeah. Yeah, you’re right.”  
Still, as he watched his lover inside the pod, wanting so badly to be there for him. 

All they could do, however, was continuing to wait.

***

Things had escalated quickly after the first call coming from Admiral Raan.  
It hadn’t been more than maybe 10 minutes, though in a way, it still felt like a small eternity to Kaidan, before Raan called again.  
Whatever Shepard was doing inside the Geth Consensus, it was certainly effective as Admiral Raan informed them that half the Geth fleet had suddenly stopped up completely, that no active programs were detected on the ships anymore. When she added that the liveships were safe, Kaidan was able to let out a breath he hadn’t even realized he had been holding before looking up at Shepard.

“You did it.”

The minute they had to wait before Shepard opened his eyes was the longest minute in Kaidan’s life. He felt his heart beat hard in his chest, but when the pod finally opened, allowing a somewhat dazed Shepard to come outside, Kaidan couldn’t help it. He quickly crossed the small distance between them and gently cupped Shepard’s cheek. “Are you alright, Commander?”

Shepard nodded, still looking a little dazed before glancing over at the still inactive body of Legion. “Did it work?”

“Geth fighters have been disabled,” EDI confirmed over the shared channel that Tali had left open for them. “Any remaining squadrons attacking the liveships have withdrawn. The server is offline.”

Shepard nodded some before looking up as Legion’s body started moving. The Geth looked back and forward for a moment, looking dazed before it looked directly at the pods that still contained Geth. Geth that were suddenly moving and were coming out.

Without even hesitating, the trio all drew weapons, aiming them towards the large Geth, ready to fire.  
“Are you sure,” Shepard asked, but Kaidan honestly wasn’t sure who he was asking.  
When there was no reply, Shepard aimed his weapon towards the nearest Geth, a hint of anger creeping into his voice. “What’s happening?”

The Geth moved to stand in front of them, but none of them drew weapons. Instead they lined up with Legion standing in front of them.  
“We have transferred Geth programs from the server into these platforms,” it explained, gesturing to the Geth behind it.

“Why,” Shepard asked, clearly not happy about the situation as more Geth came towards them, surrounding them.

“Shepard,” Kaidan whispered, letting his biotics ripple. He was getting bad vibes from this, but it wasn’t like the Geth to just surround someone. Geths didn’t exactly believe in taking someone hostage.

Legion took a step forward towards Shepard, tilting its head. “They wish to join us.”

“They what,” Tali asked, the surprise and aggression in her voice mimicking Kaidan’s own internal reactions.

“While Shepard-Commander removed the Reaper infection, we judged we could persuade hostile Geth programs to reunite with ours,” Legion explained.  
“We were correct. These Geth have renounced the Old Machines, and will oppose the Reapers. They are now us.”

“Why didn’t you tell me any of this,” Shepard asked, his shoulders more relaxed, but still with a good grip on his gun. It was clear that this was not something Shepard had expected from Legion and that being kept in the dark was something he did not approve of.

“We did not doubt you,” Legion replied. “We doubted your allies.”

Both Kaidan and Tali tensed, but it was the next words that put things in a little more perspective for Kaidan. “The creators’ actions have placed their species in danger, but they are unsympathetic to what it has done to ours. The Quarians sanctioned this operation to save their people. They would not have done so if they knew we wished to preserve Geth as well.”

“I understand not wanting to leave anyone behind,” Shepard said and Kaidan could hear the subtle, raw emotion in his voice.  
Ashley… 

It was still such a raw, bleeding memory for them both.

“You accept our actions?” Legion asked and Kaidan could swear that the Geth sounded almost… Surprised. Worried.

“The lifeships are safe, and we have more Geth on our side. We both did what we came to do,” Shepard said as he placed his gun in its holster.

“We judged you would understand. Prime units will be available once the Reaper signal has been located and destroyed.”

Shepard let out a small chuckled. “Remind me to warn Admiral Hackett he’s got some primes coming.” Running his hand over his face, Shepard nodded his head towards the exit. “Let’s get back to the Normandy.”

“I second that,” Kaidan murmured, following Shepard and Tali as they headed outside.

And he had to admit… The way the Geth parted ways for his lover… That was pretty neat.  
It was a sight to see.

***

They didn’t get much of a break once they were back on the Normandy. It felt like the second they set foot back onto the ship, it headed straight towards their intended target before Legion had intervened.

Rannoch.

Despite the intel Shepard had given them, the course was still set. They had come too far to back away now and the fact was, there was a Reaper-threat in the area. They couldn’t just back away and leave.

Kaidan had managed to steal himself a cat-nap, just so he had enough energy to keep himself going, but he strongly suspected that Shepard was living on an unhealthy mix of energy bars and coffee. He couldn’t remember the last time he had actually seen Shepard sleep, not even during the times when he and Shepard shared a bed.  
The worse part was that he couldn’t even ask Shepard to take a break because there simply wasn’t time. He offered, of course, to take over part of the load, but even as Kaidan took some of the assignments from Shepard, writing reports for the Council, sending updates, requests, requisitions, arranging meetings and similar things, Shepard always found something else that needed to be done.  
There were simply too many people asking too many things all at once.

They were all tired, they were carrying a load, but Shepard, without a doubt, carried the biggest part.

As they prepared for landing on Rannoch, Kaidan glanced towards his lover, taking in the dark shadows under his eyes and the tenseness in his shoulders.  
He would have to remedy that as soon as they were done on Rannoch.

They would finish this now.

Shepard had requested for both Kaidan and Tali to join him as part of the ground-team and Kaidan was more than happy to come along. He had to admit, a small part of him was a little bit excited. Rannoch had been off-limits because of the Geth for years and this would be the first time Tali would see her home-world. He wanted to be there when she did.

Legion also joined them, upon its own insistence as they were having one major issue they had to deal with.  
If they were to deal with the Reaper that was on Rannoch, they needed a big gun and the biggest they had was on the Normandy. They had calibrated it to perfection, but they still needed a clear target and as long as the satellites on the ground was disturbed, they didn’t have that.  
They needed a different plan.

One that Legion, apparently, had already prepared by holding back something quite vital from them all: the fact that it was upgraded with Reaper’s code.  
Shepard seemed as taken of guard with the Geth as Kaidan was and Kaidan wasn’t sure if he was to be concerned or relieved that Shepard seemed surprised, even disappointed with Legion’s lack of sharing its plan with the rest of them.   
Yet, he couldn’t fault the Geth for being reluctant with sharing everything. They were organics and organics were emotional, instinctual creatures. Geth dealt with the cold, hard facts.

And it was seemingly the somewhat emotional aspect of the Geth’s desires that had held Legion back from speaking. 

Shame.

It seemed like even artificial intelligent machines weren’t immune from that emotion, even if they didn’t understand it fully.

When the shuttle landed on the planet’s surface, near the base they were heading towards, Legion left them to handle his part of the mission; getting them an escape vehicle while Shepard, Kaidan and Tali headed towards the upper entrance.  
Kaidan watched as Legion as he left before his eyes were drawn to Tali.

The Quarian was slowly walking off the shuttle and that is when Kaidan remembered again.

This was the very first time Tali was walking on the surface of her home world. Her home. Her world.  
A world she had only heard about in stories and songs, a world no Quarian had seen for centuries. Now she was there, the first Quarian to set foot on the rocky ground of Rannoch in three-hundred years.  
Shepard glanced towards him and Kaidan could only smile, giving his lover a nod. He understood and he wanted Shepard to have that moment with their companion. 

Giving Kaidan a smile back, Shepard stepped off the shuttle and walked over to Tali while Kaidan stood back for the moment to let them have their moment. It was private and while they were all friends, Shepard knew more about Tali’s struggle than Kaidan did.  
This was important for them and Kaidan was happy to step back and let them have this together.

This was just the beginning of a long list of things they wanted to do, but just standing there, on Rannoch, it was a victory.

Still, there was an ugly truth that was lurking at the back of Kaidan’s mind, a possibility that he just couldn’t ignore, no matter how much he tried to ignore it.  
This… This could very well be the only chance Tali would ever get to set foot on her home world.

He had no illusions that this was going to be pretty.  
There were Geth down with them, hostile ones and a Reaper.   
Chances of casualties in one way, shape or form were high, almost undeniable.

Still, as Tali turned around to look at Kaidan, waving him over while clenching a rock in her hand, Kaidan couldn’t help but smile, pushing himself away from his spot by the shuttle’s door so he could join his friends.

They would win this.

They just had to.

**Author's Note:**

> More information will be added as the story goes because right now, I have no idea where it is going. I am just writing and having fun as it goes, letting my muse ride Kaidan for as long as he'll let me. ^^


End file.
